Victims of narcissist abuse always want to know what in the hell the narcissist is really thinking – as if knowing the awful truth will bring actual closure to the pain of a discard. Although I can understand this, I am fairly certain that most of us know all too well exactly what the narcissist is thinking and our quest for truth is actually about us hoping that we’re wrong. Unfortunately, this article – Part 3 of A Sociopath Exposes a Narcissist – isn’t going to help to that end but it will, in fact, give us some cold hard facts.
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Since I believe that a narcissist is a sociopath and a sociopath is a narcissist, the words that follow might as well have come out of the mouth of the N himself (or herself). If you’ve read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series of articles, then you know that the “answers” I provide are taken directly from the blog of a sociopath. Although the words aren’t pretty and, for the most part, do not tell us anything that we don’t already know in our heart of hearts, I decided to use this information (a.k.a. the thoughts of this sociopath) to my blog because I really do feel that seeing is believing and we all need to see this to believe it.
It’s amazing to me that, although I discovered this particular blog many years ago, the words are as cutting and hurtful today as they were to me back then. I guess the truth is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts, right? So, for everyone who searches for answers on the web with search phrases like “When will the narcissist return?”, “Does the narcissist miss me?”, “What is a narcissist thinking during a silent treatment?”, “Why do narcissists use silent treatments?”, “Does the narcissist remember me?” and on and on, the answers below come right from a narcissist’s mouth and should answer all of those questions in one sad fell swoop. [Note: The questions that precede the “answers” were created by me according to my take on the answer itself].
Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Real sociopaths (narcissists), like myself, are happy being a sociopath (narcissist). We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. It’s all we know. So, (if you think) sociopaths really are hurting deep down inside and want to change if given a chance, nonsense! True (narcissists and) sociopaths don’t want to change. Most don’t even believe they have a problem. We love every minute of it. It’s who we are. We feel in total control of our lives using this method. Anything less is unacceptable.
Why doesn’t the narcissist seem to miss me like I miss him when we break up?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath:We don’t need you. You could disappear tomorrow and we could care less. We’re not prone to being controlled in any way, shape or form. We are survivalists. Trust us we would live if the human race disappeared tomorrow. We are far too self serving and self absorbed not to. At the very least? We’d give it a damn good shot! And we don’t need you in some round about way either. You’re mistaking us for someone who gives a shit or has feelings like your own. Trust me we don’t. We simply use you because you’re nearby, you’re convenient or we’re bored and desire something you possess. Otherwise we would go on without you just fine. Because, again, we don’t possess feelings like you do. Getting it now?
How can a narcissist just move on to someone else like it’s no big deal?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath:I think sociopaths do a good job of living in the now. They can focus on the task at hand without being influenced by feelings or events from the past, other lessons learned, and they don’t become so anxious about the future. When they do get anxious it’s more like a response to present situations, just like animals do.
Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Not being guided by a ‘moral compass’ means that judgments of good vs. bad and rights vs. wrong are determined using a different mechanism. Psychopaths (narcissists and sociopaths) know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. While such a simplistic method of decision-making leaves plenty of room for error, it also explains why they are sometimes unaware of the trouble they cause or outright do not care. If they choose to do what social norms and laws determine to be “good” and someone is unintentionally hurt in the process who assumes the burden of guilt? Their intention was good, indicating morality in that they chose to follow socially acceptable rules, but the behavior violated another person’s moral code and no remorse is being expressed on cue. It is in this space that the mask of sanity begins to slip and people are often shockingly aware that this person possesses very little real emotion. The psychopath/narcissist, however, feels no guilt or empathy by default and can’t understand why the other person is so upset. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’ Why should a psychopath fake emotion just to appease the other person? His behavior is within the framework of the laws but his emotion is not fueling the behavior. They do not see a need for emotion to be involved so pervasively in life and regular people cannot fathom how it is possible to function without emotional connections to other people. Psychopaths seem to intellectually understand that losing a close friend brings about pain which leads to crying as a way to release overwhelming emotion in normal people. But to cry because your feelings were hurt is a foreign concept. Therefore, the psychopath sees no logical reason for either party to display emotion in this situation; rather, his good intentions and avoidance of malice are enough to justify his action. Just because it did not go according to plan does not make him responsible for the other person’s feelings. Furthermore, the slighted person doesn’t deserve an apology because it is they who are handicapped by irrational emotions.
So, if you’ve been wondering how a narcissist really feels and hoping that a truthful answer might warrant some sympathy on your part, this article series should put an end to that once and for all, wouldn’t you say?
Lisa
August 9, 2016 at 7:51 pmI don’t think I’ve ever had a full-blown narcissistic boyfriend, but I did have a narcissistic father, and I don’t agree that narcissists are happy people who need nobody. On the contrary, they’re miserable people, horrifyingly arrested in development, and can only survive by sucking the very mental health out of their intimates. They aren’t independent—they are, if anything, monstrous parasites, visiting their own self Ioathing on anyone in no position to fight back. Therapy would be a waste of time, because they’d only bullshit the therapist. And laugh about it later.
The best punishment for such deformed folk would simply be to have nothing to do with them. Let them go on their unmerry way, stewing in their mental illness and bile.
And then the rest of us should just concentrate on what makes us happy.
Surviving an encounter with one of those creatures is like surviving an encounter with the Alien. Whew!!!!
Dory
August 1, 2016 at 10:21 amjust dated a guy who was a sociopath. In my gut I knew something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it. He told me he saw a future with us, said he adored me and wanted to spend as much time with me as he could. When I started questioning him, that is when he turned angry and turned it all around on me. Tried to control me, did not work. I found out that he had a girlfriend in a another state for 2 1/2 years. Instead of walking away, which I was told to do. I sent him anonymous texts saying I know about your girlfriend and called him a sociopath. I also told her. I repeated this again. He knew it was me, and I owned my craziness. He called me a PYCHO, told me he was going to get a lawyer that I better save my money. He told me to never contact him again. Which I did. Then he blamed me for the whole thing. It was all on him. He did this. I know my actions were wrong in how I handled it, but I feel like I have been taken for a ride on a crappy old roller coaster. I am so angry that I did those things, and that I did not listen to my gut and leave. He knows where I live, I am scared. I exposed him.
My question is will he come back? He was verbally abusive to me. I am afraid of him.
Matt
June 23, 2016 at 3:40 pmYou only use men as the narcissist but beleave me there are women. I just got divorced after a 34 year marriage only to find out I was gas lighted to the extreme.1st of all she had my phone cloned and was calling and texting all kinds of numbers and accusing me of making the calls.she had taken thousands of dollars out of our account over a period of time she put my profile on dating sites and gay sites.one of my sons who is a fireman took the time to track down numbers and when he called her on it she did what they do best lie.found out she’s been cheating with some alcoholic who doesn’t have 2 buckles to rub together but the last 3 years she’s been a pill head and a alcoholic.shes picked up my phone when I’ve been out made calls then took pics with hers delegated mine then told my sons I made those calls while in the bathroom. She has totally destroyed all the years of hard work for her own personal gain. She has messed me up to the point that I am using a shrink to try and get through this so let’s not just use one gender to describe these p.o.s. They come in female as well. My question is has she always been this way or does it just happen sometimes .I know her whole family has been disfuntional I thought I got the one good egg I would love to read your reply on this. Thanks
Zari Ballard
June 24, 2016 at 7:54 amHi Matt,
Before you assume that I only believe that men are narcs, read this article that I wrote to the guys and, if you can, check out my book that I wrote specifically for the guys as well. Right now, the majority of people who call in to me for consultations on how to get past this shit are MEN so don’t feel alone in any way. I’ve always been the first to say that female narcs have their male counterparts beat hands down in the evil department.
I write from my 13-year experience – hence, the reference to the male gender. To write every article using he/she, his/her, her/him simply sounds awkward and ruins the flow of the content. I’ve got to make things readable. You’re always welcome on this site….as far as I’m concerned, recovery from narc abuse is a team effort.
Stay strong!
Zari:)
Cheryl
June 24, 2016 at 7:59 amJust a note to Matt: Part of the thing is that psychology still believes that most narcissists are men; but that might be changing. Women narcissists can be very very different from male narcissists – I have some of my best chats with men who had to deal with a female narcissist. I am a female who had a relationship with a female narcissist (and I’m sure there are plenty of male-male relationships as well). I agree there isn’t enough information out there to help understand the female narcissist in all her forms, but maybe that doesn’t matter as much as realizing you are with someone who is hurting you and you shouldn’t believe that’s something you should allow. Good luck and stay strong.
Melanie
August 7, 2016 at 9:03 amAgreed Matt!
There are some evil Narcissistic women put there and it can be worse! I am woman and I have dated some really horrifying women with BPD and NPD!
Terri
June 22, 2016 at 1:00 pmHello
I believe with all my heart that my ex is a narcissist. He would break up with me for the stupidest things. We would get in a small argument then he would use the silent treatment to break up which killed me even more. This time we were apart for eight months. He got involved with a very ugly girl. He dumped her because he told his friend he missed me and realized the grass was not greener on the other side. I agreed to talk to him. I went to his apartment where he had a picture of us together in his living room and towels with our initials in his bathroom. He told me the truth about girls he was with when we were broke up and swore he would never do it to me again. He said he would always talk things out and never give me the silent treatment again. For six months he kept his word. Then he gradually started hanging out with friends all week, called less and when we went away I felt like I was a third wheel because one of his friends came with us and he wanted to do more things with him then me. He is 45 years old. We came back from the trip and everything seemed ok for a month besides the fact he was always with the friend working. Right before it ended We spent a nice weekend together. I was getting him a l loan because his credit stinks but then we got in a stupid argument over one of his friends calling me a bad word and him still talking to him. He kicked me out of his house, told me don’t Call me I’ll call yo. he then blocked me from calling him and deleted me off Facebook. The only thing he ever said was to come get your things off my porch. Never would talk about the argument just stop talking to me After her promised he would never do that again. This time we lasted eight months.
He doesn’t talk to his parents because his dad abused him while his mom never did anything about it. He loses friends like water. When he was married he had numerous affairs and I know he cheated on me even though he will never admit it No one likes no one likes him. In fact I was one of his few friends. He has three kids one will not talk to him.
He now will not talk to me and anything I sent to him went unanswered I had to quit because I was making a fool out of myself. Everyone tells me to just move on. He is a jerk. Let him go. We have been on and off for about ten years cause of him breaking up over stupid things. Does he sound like a narcissist?? He swore this time he would not ignore me and he did. He went through all that to get me back just to dump me the same way again. Any help is appreciated. I hurt really bad. We have not talked for a month this time.
Deanna Polzin
December 10, 2015 at 8:31 pmI read this article and all I can say is Wow…and the last paragraph made me actually feel sick. I have been reading about NPD for almost two years, and your books have been spot on with my 5 year experience with a man who clearly is a narcissist and has NPD. However, browsing your site tonight I came upon this article and just had to read it, although I wanted to find otherwise, this has more than cemented my conclusions. I had known after the cycle (about 6 months on and then 6 off) relationship I had been on, and two years ago my (crazy) sister-in-law being diagnosed with BPD, and then reading about her problem I learned about NPD and the lightbulbs didn’t just come on, they all exploded. I would give examples, but obviously, I don’t have to. Everything you have posted, all three of your books, you have fortunately for my sanity hit every nail on the head. After my birthday this past March, where he had reduced me to only his “Sat” night date, and for the first time in a long time had been taking me out (although nowhere local…compartments, of course), and spending money on me, he discarded me with a 3 week ST…from there I went complete NC. After a month, he called…to talk, not let things end this way crap…I let it go to VM. You know the story, and it has been NC by me for just over 7 months,…always a bit longer than than the last time, right? Now, back to calling me my nickname, not my name…via work email. Yes, horrors. We work together, but fortunately he travels and is gone a lot of the time, which has been a blessing. At any rate, calling me D,…instead of Deanna…my first clue. Then, the trying to talk to me, …the work emails, being funny. Going from being out of the office and calling other employees instead of the main number (yes, I answer the phones) to now calling in …talking to me. The same ‘ole same ‘ole. Emails, being funny, ha-ha…not funny on this end when I have to be pleasant and professional at work. He’s in Europe now, made a comment about Xmas, …which is totally future-faking, and as he usually goes every other Holiday Season with me and we were together last year, I know he’s FOS. Then, I read this article…still feel like throwing up. The comment the one writer makes (and yes, they are smooth…unfortunately these bastards are smart and good writers ( Like my sister-in-law, aside from being a lying, cheating, manipulative (EXPLETIVE), also has her Masters). Well, I’m an English major and pretty sharp myself, and the one problem with their statements I have is that they can survive without us. Bullshit. No, they can’t. If were gone, they have no one to feed off of. I’ll agree that they react hlike animals, that they have no emotions, even that they’re survivors, but not that they don’t need us. The writer clearly said USE us, as my ex-BF did me, and if they have no one to use…they’d die. All of them. They certainly don’t look for another NARC to feed off when they look for supply, no. They look for full, caring, emotion-filled humans such as us. So, let us all die then, because afterwards, they will all surely follow. A suitable ending to their reign of lying, conniving, manipulative bile. As to my situation, well, he’s been kicking the tires, but I think he will find that they’re all flat, and with that, he can’t take me for a spin. So, I’ll sit here happily on blocks for awhile, and won’t waste another dime of my gas on him. Thanks for your site, you’re an inspiration to all of us whom no one else understands…Thank you!
Zari Ballard
December 26, 2015 at 3:42 amHi Deanna,
Sorry that it took me so long to get to your post but I wanted to say thank you for the kind words and, yup, your ex sure seems like a textbook to me. I hope you are doing well and be sure to write back if you need me. I have caught up and any post you send should be right near the top of the new comment list.
Hope you had a great Xmas….
zari xo
Deanna Polzin
January 4, 2016 at 6:18 pmHi Zari & Happy New Year!
Thank you for your kind reply and yes, while quiet, Christmas was very nice, thank you. I hope yours was as well, and I hope not staying up until after three a.m. responding to your huge and appreciative followers…lol! My New Year’s was also quiet, which I decided was actually good for me, as we need to start off this year with knowing that I’m okay, and may I add, better off by myself right now. I ended up talking with my Mom and again, the X factor came up and how I was feeling a bit lonely this Holiday Season, and while she understands, she asks how I’m just not over him and moved onto a better situation by now. The devalue started last January, where I knew he already had his other supply to turn to, but going above and beyond during last years Holiday and playing the perfect guy (with the exception of limiting his time with me and lessening the contact), he did his best to raise my suspicions so the last few months with him found me walking on eggshells, questioning everything he did, and KNOWING what he was doing anyway. My Mom’s reply is that since I knew, how could it be a surprise when he finally discarded me, as I knew it was coming, how can I not be over him? I think this is what bothers me more than anything, that it’s impossible to try and get anyone to understand how this kind of relationship is, and not one you can just walk from and have it be the end. Then, even after they discard you (which he did every time, and as you state, each being worse than the last), where you have all the reason you need to be done, you can’t severe the invisible umbilical they have connected to you. It’s infuriating! Then try to explain how his calling into work on New Year’s Eve day last week, when he didn’t have to and he knew I was there, and pretending were friends…wishing me a happy NY, …put me over the edge. Again. No, I didn’t give him the satisfaction of being anything but indifferent, saying you too and ending the call as soon as possible, I held it together well. However, it got to me that night…and New Year’s Day, where last year we were together. The in and out of my life is what I just can’t handle anymore. Yes, it’s been a year, over and over since 2009 but this is the year when it’s it for me. I’m finally at the place I need to be that while he can still affect me in weak moments, I’m at least able to keep myself from giving him any reaction, so no supply here. I hope that others on your site are also at this place at the start of yet, another fresh year and that they can take some comfort in knowing that there are many of us out there who know exactly where they are, and how they feel. I know that this forum has been a source of information and support that without, I don’t know where I would be, and shudder to think of the alternative. My best to you in this New Year at hand and keep doing what you do, for all of us and know that you have helped provide an avenue to understanding that we otherwise would never have…Thank you!
Deanna
single and happy
May 25, 2016 at 10:03 amPerfectly said. I put a PPO on mine.. LMAO.
Ashmom
December 1, 2015 at 4:40 pmI suppose these bombastic people didn’t have any comment on how they got the way they are. There doesn’t seem to be a consensus on if it’s genetic or generations of caretakers, usually the mother, effing up these people’s brains from infancy to about 2 or 3 yrs old. Possible brain wiring of the utmost sickness. No empathy.
janet
April 15, 2016 at 5:24 pmI suspect a narcissist doesn’t ponder spirituality..the concept of what happens when they pass away and then have their life review seeing everything thru the perspectives of others…?? For them to never ponder positive virtues of empathy, compassion, humility(which wipes out narcissism), forgiveness etc??
Zari Ballard
April 15, 2016 at 6:46 pmHi Janet,
Good question to ask, girl. While I did see my ex narc look to the heavens and exclaim “Why me?” a couple times when the situation – tragic both times – wasn’t about him at all and while he did profess to have become “one with God” after we broke up (despite never having uttered the words God, prayer, church, or anything similar in the 25 years that I knew him), I think the notion of God is used only for convenience with these people.
My son and I have pondered the Life Review relevant to Wayne (my ex N) and also my son’s dad who abandoned him years ago. The way that I understand the LR is that the deceased, in the blink of an eye, is shown his/her life from birth to death like a movie and at all the points where he/she hurt someone else either physically and/or emotionally, they will FEEL it in the same way that the victim did….all the hurt and anguish and anxiety and desperation, etc. If there is an afterlife, this LR is logical to me and poetic justice for all. As people of conscience, the possibility of this LR might make us rethink behaviors as we move along or at least be regretful after the fact. A narcissist doesn’t worry about it because, don’t forget, he/she FEELS ENTITLED to do as they please, whenever they please, to or with whomever, and at anyone’s expense. This false sense of entitlement assures that they breeze through life unfettered. In other words, they know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit. The Life Review, to a narcissist, will surely be favorable!!
Assuming that the LR really truly does occur, MUHWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH……..surprise…surprise!!!!!!
Zari xo
janet
April 16, 2016 at 9:06 amI have used a channeller for assistance as well as therapy…the chaneller has assured me my ex will feel the force of the pain he caused both myself and my daughter…we parted ways 7 years ago and the divorce is now final…the learning goes on…knowledge is power I discovered…I would love to have the channeller channel a N who has passed on to see if info can be gleaned that way as well…when my ex’s mother passed away a few months ago I had her channelled…she said she took full responsibility for how he turned out by how she raised him…I had so much anger with her…my channeller chuckled saying ‘now you are trying to fix the dead’….lol….i feel this should be taught in the schools so that people living in the environment have tools to know how to handle it….the whole defense of compartmentalization is a fascinating one and one my chaneller brought up years ago to explain his behaviour…but it does help me as I would ask often ‘how can he not think about me/miss me….but it’s these masks that they wear…near the end he said ‘it was all a facade’…these people are nasty when they are in a rage…he lives in Australia now and when he first went there he emailed saying if our daughter and I wanted to visit that would be great…to think about it…I remember banging the computer screen thinking ‘what’…he said he had wanted to be alone so I told him to be alone….i studied ‘passive aggressive’ behaviour for a few years online as they ignore/avoid/withdraw/isolate/make excuses…it’s the lack of emotional intimacy that makes you spin…it’s like there is no one home…that there is a loose wire…they will never understand the gift of true love because that wire was severed…as you said we all just serve purposes for them…they don”‘t love themselves so they can’t love others…they refuse to take responsibility for themselves…they turn everything around to make it your fault…shame and blame are their weapons when cornered…it would be a death to their psyche to see things differently…they measure themselves based on accomplishments not relationships because they don’t have the capacity to love…so that is our ace in the hole…not that they care but knowing the purpose of life is wrapped up with relationships/love this is why on some level even if they deny it is their lives have no meaning or purpose….they can’t connect…only manipulate…they have no conscious…so knowing that they are drawn to empathetic people helps us to protect ourselves now…police our empathy…don’t share that card too soon…watch out for red flags….
Zari Ballard
April 18, 2016 at 5:08 pmHi Janet,
Okay, I just answered your other post (which seemed to say something entirely different) and then saw this one! LOL…THIS is the way I think about these barbarians as well. This post tells me you DO get it and that you know deep down there is no excuse for it. You explain it so well right here…I can’t even add a single thing to it:)
Zari xo
janet
April 17, 2016 at 6:36 amThe only way I feel one can make peace with a narcissist is realizing they are living in hell…meaning and purpose is found via connection and they don’t value that whether it’s due to genetics or their mothers not loving them…they do have needs and only know how to meet them by manipulation/control…they simply have no idea how to truly love…when they are hurt they harden their hearts…an early childhood survival tip…they meet their needs in twisted ways but overall they don’t value human life…they try to belittle those who are emotionally wired as this piece is missing…as hard as it is we do have to forgive as they aren’t capable of that either…keep loving others as they aren’t capable of that either…they don’t truly know to interact…they are observers…in some ways perhaps they have elements of an asperger/autism syndrome…we take away their power by having no contact…and by educating ourselves and others…we learn that our empathy comes with compassion…on some level they are sub-human….on a different level their smugness comes from low self esteem/self loathing…their nightmare…all their internal switches for behaviour that we deem human have been turned off…as they study people to determine how to control them we too can play their game by educating ourselves…
Zari Ballard
April 18, 2016 at 5:01 pmHi Janet,
Thank you for writing and sharing such a compassionate viewpoint – you are a much better woman than I!! I simply don’t have the energy to think about all that…to try to figure out the “why’s” of it all and then to “forgive” despicable behaviors as a result. Granted, my anger/sadness has all passed but that happened naturally with time as it should after any relationship break-up but now I’m done with feeling anything for him at all let alone compassion. I’m sure narcissism comes from something but I long stopped wondering about that or caring. I spent thirteen years being compassionate about my ex’s supposed “childhood traumas” (which 95% will inevitably say they have, of course) and saw nothing for it. I came to realize that it’s just a calculated and convenient excuse for their behavior when all else fails. Narcissists know what to say and how to act when they need to justify their awful actions….they are very good at what they do. The truth, as I see it, is that they absolutely know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit. A bad seed is a bad seed. These are grown-ups we’re talking about and I’ve knoadults throughout my life who have suffered far worse traumas growing up than most narcissists ever have and yet they never chose to treat others with such disrespect. There’s just no excuse for it. Narcissists are deceivers who care for nobody but themselves. Given all the stories here on this blog and across the internet, it is obvious that narcissists, despite all their “suffering”, are awarded loyal loving partners in life who love them unconditionally yet the N STILL feels entitled to hurt them. No remorse, no guilt, no sympathy, or empathy does not a human make. You can’t help someone who doesn’t think they need to be helped and never will.
One thing that I do have to be adamant about is that narcissism is NOT a mental illness. It is a disorder and there’s a big difference. You mention aspergers/autism and I’m here to tell you it has NOTHING to do with either. My son has a mental illness, diagnosed at the age of ten, and I have spent decades around children and adults with these illnesses and conditions and the term narcissism shouldn’t even be used in the same sentence.
I have never met a narcissist who lacks self-confidence, self-esteem, or who appears to hate himself. If you have, then I’m fairly certain this person isn’t a narcissist. Given the fact that narcissists and sociopaths appear to like themselves very much and actually believe that how they treat people is okay, who am I or you or anyone else to decide that the opposite is true….that the reason they are what they are and do what they do is actually because they are self-loathing, low self-esteem, meek individuals and not because they are simply evil in nature. I know that my ex narcissist would have laughed me right out of the room if I told him that. However, when I called him out as a narcissist, he found that oddly fascinating (as most of them do). Amazing! LOL
Anyway, that’s my take on it. It’s okay to forgive and forget as long as we don’t make excuses for the un-excusable. With enough time, the bad feelings we have after the break-up (about what happened) passes anyway even without trying to figure out why they acted so horribly. Given the fact that we spent so much mental energy DURING the relationship being compassionate and caring and solving nothing, I think our mental energies after the fact should be given a nice long rest.
You’re an awesome person, sister, I can tell…I wish you nothing but happiness always:)
Zari xo
Kriste Walton
August 30, 2016 at 2:49 pmMy first time here & as I was reading through the comments it dawned on me that I share a common bond with people I’ve never even met before. We share the same stories & the same pains. The same “why’s” the same questions that WE don’t like the answers to. People from opposite ends of the planet…strangers..and yet I feel closer to them than I do my own family members. We are all connected by these spawns of Satan who conned their way into our unsuspecting heart’s & who poisoned our spirits with THEIR issues THEIR selfhatred THEIR shortcomings THEIR weaknesses THEIR faults! Its almost as if they switched our our personalities…They somewhat “adopted” all of our good traits & cloned OUR personalities only to give us all of the things that they hate which is basically everything. Including themselves. They implanted us with their hideousness while they took on the role of being human. Since my ex threw me away 3 years ago I didn’t know WHAT was going on. So of course I got to googling. I had not even finished typing “Why does my fiance blame me for everything ” when a million NPD sites popped up. I’ve researched so much on NPD that I could be teacher on the subject & I now know the why’s & what to do’s & don’t do’s but I could never get a definitive answer on WHY I could NOT let go. WHY was this sadistic imposter of a man still ruling my every waking thought?? And WHY couldn’t I let go of someone who had abused me in the most hideous ways both physically AND mentally??!? Damn near on a daily basis?!? I mean yes I know everyone deals & heals differently & in their own time but this was just not right! I seriously thought that I was cursed with feeling this way for the rest of my life. One night I just dropped to my knees & began SCREAMING to God to PLEASE make it stop PLEASE take away this pain! I just want my life back.( I must’ve said those words a million times in the past 3 year’s) well God must’ve heard me because the following day I was sitting down looking at a show on t.v. where a person was on life support & was in no way ever going to come back so the family had 2 make a decision on what needed to be done. Ding!????????????numerous lightbulbs went off above my chaotic mind…& there it was! So I came up with this analogy & I’m hoping it will help others who get consumed or “stuck” while trying to let go. As you can tell I’m not a writer so please bear with me. Okay if a loved one was on life support & u were told that they’ll never snap out of it. Of course your going to go into denial you’re human..so you try to keep em hanging on & hooked up because you fear that as soon as you DO pull that plug your loved one will try to wake up but it’ll be too late. Same with a narcissist. When the narc shows his/her true colors we panic & start hanging on to the person they were in the beginning of the relationship. The person we THOUGHT they were and We just KNOW that they are still in there we’ve just got to somehow get em back..so We hang on & KEEP hanging out of fear that if we DO let go the original person will re-emerge & it’ll be 2 late…So NOW they’re back and some other person gets to be with the “good” one. So ya see it DOES resemble that of pulling the plug. WE hang on to our last & only little bit of hope only to be tortured by an outcome that we know is enevidable. Y’all I played that analogy over & over in my mind til it hit me. I’m hanging on to something Thats never going to happen because I’m hanging onto something that really never even existed…so I pulled the plug & let go. Its been almost 3 years now & I’ve not seen nor heard from my ex. I apologize for going off subject. And for going on & on but my spirit led me to y’all today & for some reason my words just started flowing so I let em flow.???? Thank you for this site & for being here for us. You just dont know how much it means to me.
Zari Ballard
September 3, 2016 at 12:03 amHi Kriste,
Anytime, girl, and I’m glad you’re here. Thank you so much for sharing – I appreciate you, I really do. Recovery is a team effort and we have to stick together:)
Zari xoxo
janet
April 17, 2016 at 6:48 amAnother thought I have about these people is that they are emotionally numb the way a person is on anti-depressent….j
Paul E.
June 20, 2016 at 12:48 pmInterestingly enough mine is also by her own definition a spirit filled believer in Jesus Christ, but apparently the only one who doesn’t have to, scratch that live to go by His book.
She was teaching Sunday school, the morning after she’d have me tie her up and commit the filthiest sex acts you can imagine, simply because she loves the illusion of being controlled, and in her words, “It’s just sex.”
This woman organized giveaways during Christmas and Backpack giveaways for back to school. She maintains very superficial relationships with very few women, all of which she is placed on a pedestal, and in talking to her pastor, or attempting to at one time, he is clearly completely gaslighted.
Paul E.
June 20, 2016 at 12:43 pmIMPORTANT POST!! PLEASE READ….THX, ZARI
Actually there is an answer to that question. Narcissists and especially those who also have a sociopath designation attached to their disorder, in my case she just happens to also be diagnosed bipolar schizophrenic, so I hit the jackpot lemme tell ya.
Narcissists are created by severe abuse usually emotional and physical, but easily either or I’m sure, now this alone does not create the narc, however those families who demand “secrets” remain secrets and shame the children into fear of being ostracized for revealing anything, go without validation, or even being heard, learning to simply not feel anymore, except for the emotions being displayed in their home life, be it rage, jealousy, and all the other negatives.
So now emotions “were” a thing at one point, but because this all happens beginning at as young as 2 or 3 years old, and for my narc, she was brutally abused by her dad, while her mom would stand right there and watch, and basically tell the child what was happening was her fault, and I’ll never forget how stoic she was as she graphically recalled her dad punching her in her soft 5 year old face, while her mother was reiterating, “You’re going to kill her Richard, you need to stop” over and over again, she remembered. The story itself made me weep, but to the narc, it simply was, and according to the narc, don’t worry about it, as you can tell, I’m fine.
Next up for the narc being gestated is the need for more abuse, and so as this has become what they know, they attract the same in a mate, but it would seem only the first time, and beyond that, though they can make the most gentle altar boy appear to be an ax murderer hell bent on their destruction, however from this point each and every relationship regardless the depth or shallowness of it, is completely agenda driven, and in more cases than not, though it could end up costing monetarily, the focus, the end game the agenda is simply to drain you of you…
Zari Ballard
June 20, 2016 at 1:26 pmHi Paul,
Given the fact that I never agree with anything I ever read about the “why” of narcissism, this is amazing. Your post offering a description/explanation for how narcissism evolves is spot-on with me. Thank you for framing your thoughts so eloquently. It’s an excuse for the behaviors that does not excuse the behaviors…and it makes perfect sense. I appreciate you….
Zari xo
Leslie A
October 17, 2015 at 8:16 amHello Zari I have read just about every article that you have posted about the narcissist and i am just dumbfounded that every single one of them rings true to my situation. I am so sorry to hear that there are so many women who have been through this and its amazing to me that I have never heard of this until I experienced it myself. My N kicked me out of his house in one night , and basically moved another woman in. And that woman is or was my neice by my first marriage . Incidentally my first husband died in a car accident 25 years ago and my N and he were good friends. So I knew this man , but really didnt know him at all. But unlike most N’s , mine targets women that are vulnerable. We are all smart educated women, but in my case , things in my life when he just “showed up” were not great. A mutual friend had died, my job was not the greatest and my son had ben sick. So he swooped in saving the day , saying all the right things, how beautiful I was, how he had always thought I was so hot, how I could get any man I wanted. Wow, I was in heaven. Shortly after he disappeared for 2 weeks. And this happened several times. One day, after he reappeared I just told him that I was done and wasn’t going to put up with his crap , and he just moved in, little by little. It didn’t dawn on me to question this. I just thought that he realized he loved me. Big mistake. He had numerous affairs, lied all the time about stupid things that no one cared about. Promised me a future that he never intended to follow through with. 2 years of this and I know that isn’t a long time, but to me it was. I loved him with every ounce of my being. And he said he was in love with me. I was49 at the time and he was 54 so Inever thought to question his intentions. The signs were all there and I always knew in the back of my mind that something was terribly wrong. I knew it and didn’t follow my instincts. He brought me up took me down , pushed my buttons to get a reaction in front of his “friends”, told everyone that I was crazy and that he couldnt’ take me out in public. And the damned lies, I hated them. And he hated me because I knew him so well and I guess he just got tired of not being able to control all of me. He did a good job for the most part, but most of the time when he was treating me like crap I would hurl an insult that would rock his world. I finally saw what he was doing, but I played his game and lost. I still have been hurt in a way that no one should ever have to endure. And I have to figure out how to go no contact. I live in the same small town as him and his new woman. I see when he goes to work and gets off every day, and Im amazed that I always thought he worked late every day but in fact he never works past pm. Every day I see all the things that I didn’t see. I am trying to come to terms with what has happened to me. My health isn’t that great because of the stress, I lost my job while with him which gave him something to taunt me with. I really don’t know who I am any more, but Im going to work at finding the strong , confident woman I used to be. Thank you for sharing this column and helping so many women.
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2015 at 6:48 pmHi Leslie A,
Good God, it took me a long time to get to your post. My apologies, girl, and I am grateful that my articles have been helpful. Yes, it is amazing how many things we finally figure out after the fact…when things have calmed down and the smoke starts to clear. I know it’s painful but you deserve to be happy and he would have never done that for you. His “bad” was as good as it was ever going to get. The push/pull is enough to kill us, I swear, but we endure it because we think that we can fix it or that, for once, he is telling us the truth. But neither is possible.
I hope you are doing well and continuing to read at this site and others because knowledge is power! If you ever need to talk one-on-one, I do provide phone consultations and I would be happy to brainstorm a speedy path to recovery for you.
Stay strong, sister, and update me. I promise it won’t be so long for my response. With the holidays, it is a very crazy time and I am furiously trying to catch up. I’m here to support you so write anytime!
Zari xo
Anonymous
April 5, 2016 at 9:08 pmHow long were you with him, Leslie. I’m sure most of my health problems are a result of the stress I live under. Thank you for this verbal outlet, Zari. It’s so refreshing to know that others understand what I’m feeling. I usually feel like I’m going in circles. I think maybe I’m the one who is crazy. No one understands if they haven’t experienced this nonsense.
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2016 at 5:17 pmHi Anonymous,
Thank you for reaching out to others here…it helps me a great deal! I appreciate you:)
Zari xo
Kriste Walton
August 31, 2016 at 2:27 pmWow. Idamnedentical!