To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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183 Comments

  • Jamie Holgate

    August 30, 2017 at 2:10 am Reply

    I was seeing a narc for about 4 months, i was totally unaware what a narc, we stared off great, id just come out of an 8th month relationship and was in a vulnerable place. She approached me on Instagram and literally swiped me off my feet. I wasn’t to know this but she was in a 2 year relationship at this point. Me unaware dated her and the first night we ended up back at what i thought was her house….but she cheated on her bf with me, I didn’t know. It was in his house in his bed. Anyway he threatened to kill me when he found texts on her phone off, he ended up kicking her out of the house so she moved back to her parents . She played the sob story to me and stupidly I stood by her and carried on seeing her. When I should of ran a mile!! She did say no relationship from day one to be fair to her but as time went on we Carried on doing all the relationship things…Anyway i carried on seeing her and sleeping with her etc…all good so I booked us to go ibiza for her birthday (4th September) as a surprise, I gave her clues every week for a month so she knew what was coming….soon as I told her the final clue, a few days after she did a complete u turn. Anyway when her bf kicked her out of the house 4 months ago she “lost” a pair of designer shoes so I replaced them £650 for her bday, as she made me feel guilty. Anyway the 6am good morning texts stopped, she didn’t reply to my texts and the phone calls where no longer being answered by her. i was totally confused and it sent me crazy, i gave her 2 weeks space, sleepless nights and totally head mess, she sent me snap chats of her on night out with another lad, so i retaliated and sent her a message saying why do that? she responded calling me crazy/deluded and saying she was single and could do what ever she wanted …. Anyway last Monday I needed answers why she did a complete u turn! I went to her parents house like a weirdo (bad move i know) she just drove me insane! She told me she didn’t want anything to do with me and told me she doesn’t like me like how like her, finally she said I was just a comfort blanket for her when she needed one …So after my visit I called her ex to apologize and he told me she’s been seeing someone else and also sleeping with him again, after she had found out id called her ex she called me all the names under the sun and blocked me on everything. Feel like I’ve been a secret / lie all along. Do you think she will come back around and try this again? she was beautiful looking and this is why she gets away with this? after investing all of my feelings into her i just feel like ive been a number to her and thats what im finding hard to move on from.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 15, 2017 at 6:03 pm Reply

      Hi Jamie,

      Wow…she is the POSTER GIRL for the narcissistic female. Read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face because you will likely feel as if you wrote it. I know it hurts, brother, but this girl is such bad news it’s not even funny. Stay as far away as possible. Don’t feel bad about all of the crazy behavior because who cares about these people anyway? I don’t know if she will return…she may not since you basically “outed” her but you never know. Block her number and run in the direction you should have been running all along. Any girl who brings a guy home to have sex in her boyfriend’s bed is really sickening and without a doubt, she would have done it to you.

      Zari:)

  • Joshua

    August 29, 2017 at 6:29 pm Reply

    Hello Zari,

    I’ve recently been suffering a multitude of emotions while enduring my ex-gf’s (most recent) discard. I won’t tell you in detail about the many many acts of verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse I’ve experienced over the last 10yrs (the worst being infedilty, occuring repeatedly for the last 2yrs). I will tell you that I’ve been reading your studies on NPD, and it comes as somewhat of a relief to identify the direct cause for such malicious and cruel actions.
    I say somewhat only because it is difficult for me to relive these heart-wrenching and devastating moments in my head, as well as facing the reality that someone I’ve felt so close to never truely felt the same for me. I confess, I still want to go back to the way things were. I know from your source material that this is unhealthy and futile to want, but I find it hard to admit and acknowledge that the best moments werw actually fabrications and not genuine.
    It may be the element of another man that keeps me locked, so to speak, in a place of sorrow. Perhaps it is, in fact, a great many things. I really don’t know. I don’t necessarily have a question to ask, I just am struggling immensely to make sense of things, wrap my head around it, distract my thoughts, channel my hurt/pain/anger/rage in a positive direction…..you get the picture, I’m sure.
    Another hindrance is that I’m not in a good place personally or professionally OUTSIDE of relationship issues. I feel that my relationship, however troubled it was, could keep me from depressive thoughts about where I am in my life. Now with all the pain and suffering of being thrown away with nothing but disrespect, ridicule, resentment, rejection, malice, a lack of compassion, etc., each day is much more of a struggle.
    Its just not right to do this to someone for no justifable reason or without being held accountable. Years and years I was on trial for actions far less damaging and that was even after multiple apologies and acknowledgements of guilt on my part, and presumed forgiveness and understanding on hers. To go through all that only to suffer greater by way of a concealed contempt and resentment (possibly even hatred), with absolutely ZERO signs of remorse or sympathy is extremely hard to swallow and walk away from. Please give your thoughts on how to take control of these overwhelming thoughts and feelings, one day at a time……Thank you. I appreciate all you do for those who experience a similar pain.
    Joshua

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2017 at 2:48 pm Reply

      Hi Joshua,

      I am so so sorry that you are feeling so sad:( Female narcs are the worst of the worst and all the guys that consult with me are devastated just like you. Believe me, you are not alone. No, the narc will not feel remorse or ever have an epiphany about what they have done to the people who love them. All you can do is shift your perspective of the whole thing and find closure in your own mind. You have to know that OUR SUFFERING CHANGES NOTHING and therefore we have the power to not suffer. A narc just goes on about her business no matter whether you suffer or not so we do have a choice. I’m not saying it’s easy but I am telling you without a doubt that it can be done. You deserve to be happy both personally AND professionally and only YOU have the power to make that happen, my friend.

      I just went to my personal gmail account and sent you a PDF copy of my book about the female narc. It will help you make sense of what happened and perhaps give a little boost for the day. The overwhelming thoughts are normal and we can’t always help that. The trick is to not let them linger…to glance at them and watch them float away. Eventually, they get the hint and stay away more and more. One step at a time and put yourself first. Her life will always be the same because she is what she is but YOUR LIFE doesn’t have to be that way.

      Stays strong, my brother….

      Zari xo

  • Joel Rosenblum

    August 7, 2017 at 9:56 pm Reply

    My wife (separated) has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 1, PTSD, social anxiety, and a few other things at different times. It’s a long awful story. She beat up my mom 2 months ago. Tried to kill me a few years ago. Because of all her diagnoses it is a bit hard for me to understand how best to communicate with her (I have to because we share custody of our child). I realize the best thing is to keep communication minimal, tho I have a hard time with that sometimes because it seems like she creates drama when there is not enough attention on her. If there were some way I could escape and never have to talk to her again, without leaving my child to her, I would do it in an instant. But that is not looking realistic so far.
    The worst part is she claims I am the one who has abused her, so she has Women Against Abuse representing her in custody battles, which saves her a ton of money and makes me look like the evil one so that judges automatically take her side, despite the fact that she is the one with the criminal record and the mental health record.
    Oh yeah and did I mention she is a crystal energy healer, a massage therapist, a level 2 or 3 reiki master, among other amazing things? She truly is very talented in many areas. I just think it is ironic that someone so into healing work could be so evil.
    I kind of feel like there is a part of her that is hidden deep inside which is honest, because I’ve communicated with that part of her at times, tho of course I might just be naive to think that, since it could just be another trick. I know that she suffers a lot. I really wish that one day she will just get tired of lying, since to me lying is a stressful thing, but on the other hand I guess she’s managed to convince herself that her lies are true.

    Not sure why I am even posting this. I don’t expect any solutions really, tho I know there are some best practices that I may be not fully implementing. I guess it helps to know I’m not alone here dealing with these lunatics. Of course, nobody knows me from Adam on here so for all you know I am the psychopath and she is not. I met a woman a few years ago while my wife was in jail. We dated for a few weeks. Both of us happened to have sociopathic exes. But by the end of the few weeks each of us began to believe that the other was the actual sociopath rather than how we had framed it to each other.

    Sorry if I am mixing up different words here like psychopath and sociopath. I know they mean different things but there seems to be a lot of overlap as well, in my experience.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2017 at 3:27 pm Reply

      Hi Joel,

      Wow…please forgive me for taking so long to respond to you. I doubt very much that any woman who beats up your mother and tries to kill you has an “honest” side. Yes, this woman sounds talented alright but not in the areas that you allude to. She is clearly a sociopath – and I dare say a psychopath – and a very good con artist. But female narcs usually are and, thus, they have a way of gathering up quite a support group on their side. I hope that you have a good lawyer who “gets it”. The “healing” occupation doesn’t surprise me at all…it’s a very good cover. It sounds as if you have your work cut out for you. I, too, wish that you could keep from ever seeing her again without losing access to the kids. Wouldn’t THAT be heaven?

      Look, brother, I just sent you a copy of my book for the guys about the female narc. I sent it to you from my personal gmail account to your “nobodyXXX” email address. I think it will help you wrap your head around what she’s doing. Read it and then consider booking some time with me so that we can talk about it. Sounds like you need a little more detailed help than I can give here in this comment section:). Enjoy the book!

      Zari:)

  • Gregg

    July 28, 2017 at 11:07 am Reply

    Thank you for writing this article and respecting the male perspective. I was raised by a female narc (of who I never refer to as my mother–I was adopted at birth). The physical and mental abuse came at age 3. I had a difficult time remembering this as my brain blocked it out until I actually got help from a book How To Break Your Addiction To A Person. It helped reading and re reading the book. I finally admitted to myself it was not my fault and no one ever told me that or helped. I was also married to a narc for 10 years. It was pure hell. I realized it after we divorced and healed on my own. I am remarried to a wonderful woman who is very good to me. I work with an RN and a PhD (pharmacist), who are both narcs. I did not realize this at first, but then began to pick up little things that they would do and say. There were very good at their deception(s). I had made the mistake of revealing to them my own personal history. They turned on me very fast and furious. The PhD one day began yelling at me waving her hands and using profanity. This went on for about 10 minutes. I have complex PTSD so my reaction was severe. I had to call out 2 days. When I returned the RN I found out the RN (my boss) was friends with the PhD. The RN tried convincing me that the incident was partially my fault. I almost bought off on it. My wife and I were heart broken as we had allowed the PhD free reign on our lives and in our hearts. It took me nearly 2 -3 months to finally get resolve. She compounded the situation by claiming I had hurt her. My heart still hurts, but I am stronger. The RN is transferring to a new job (YAYAYAYAYAY). The PhD is still here and I deal with it on a day to day type basis. The union does not help as both the RN and PhD are very charismatic. My heart goes out to all the men that have suffered. Thank you once again for writing the book and this web site

    • Zari Ballard

      August 23, 2017 at 11:23 pm Reply

      Hi Greg,

      So sorry for the delay in responding and how awful that you had to go through that! There’s nothing worse to me than when those in professional positions such as that RN and PHd use their professions as a cover for their deceitful ways. It truly makes me sick. The unfortunate thing is that I do hear about it regularly. How terribly sad for you and your wife but I am grateful that you have each other. Never allow ANYONE outside of those that you love full access to your life. You continue to get stronger and I wish you nothing but the best for you both. In your case, it sounds as if LOVE has the potential to truly conquer all. Thank you for sharing, my brother….

      Zari xo

  • Anthony O'Brien

    July 19, 2017 at 1:08 am Reply

    Bring male and victim of narristic socialpath ex wife feeling alone confused hurt lost afraid of nothing afraid of no one but afraid of her my ex wife and make things worse my sons mother nothing and no support groups info for men till and so far only you and this page! I appreciate it finially place to go read stories hear positives get advice!!! Thank you forever greatful and soon hope to share my story figure out how to keep it from not becoming book so many horrible things done been thru still going thru and trust being an Iraqi freedom veteran th Ugly been thru it all thought seen done heard felt worst of the worst and this has effected me cost me and messed me up so much more than my everyday times 10 I had in Iraq! Being combat veteran and special ops members training mental strengths needed had and or devolved thru it still no match for this any man feels less for being a VICTIM don’t taken me years to even say those words and see this for what it is there are positives we can get outa our unfortunate luck I’ll post later after my story thanks again thanks for advice wish all of us men and women best of luck and help with our healing !!!!! Anthony

    • Zari Ballard

      July 23, 2017 at 8:25 pm Reply

      Hi Anthony!

      You are not alone, brother:) All of us are here to support you…I am so sorry about what you are going through. I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you a copy of my book about female narcs because it will really help you. I will send it to the email that you used to post your message. Please look for it and feel free anytime to post your story…

      Zari xo

  • Johnny

    April 11, 2017 at 2:47 am Reply

    After interacting with my gf for 9 months, I kind of thinking her as a narcissist. However, I would like you to confirm my thought. The followings are factual description of her behavior. She married twice & had about 10 bf.
    (1) Even I am highly educated (a Phd in business), she kept on telling me I am only book smart & then perform shortcoming analysis on me almost on daily basis. She kept on telling me she is much smarter than me.
    (2) About 70% of our conversation centered on how good her ex bf are. They are rich, handsome, tall, caring …. and when I compared to them, I am really nothing (Still didn’t understand if I am that bad, why she is with me?)
    (3) She spent long long time look into the mirror everyday and talked to herself how pretty she is (I lived with her)
    (4) She seems not taking my interest into account. About 50% of my income was siphoned to her & she keeps on buying this & that without considering my affordability.
    (5) One horrible thing I found out is she seems not genuinely love me. She can be caring & loving at this moment and cold and emotionless the next moment. I think she can suddenly love a stranger if he can provide her with what she wants especially material benefits
    (6) She did not work since 32 (now 48) and her major income is derived from contributions from her ex and my current income.
    (7) She is very manipulative and basically will disapprove what I chose, my opinions and what I appreciate. I found that when I tell her this is what I am going to do, she will think of something else and force me to follow her.
    (8) She is a very very flirtatious woman & attracted a lot of guys to help her running errands. She is so crave for male attention that if I am working & did not give enough attention to her, she will find a guy to entertain her. Once a fortune teller visit her house and she chatted with him for 8 hours alone and even cooked dinner for him despite she is a total stranger. She jokingly suggest that I should allow her one time infidelity. She has an ex bf in UK and recently he came to visit her and she tried to hide our relationship from him. I kind of suspect she has parallel relationship.
    (9) She has no woman friends & 90% people surrounding her is guy. Even she is not interested in guys approaching her, she took pride of attracting male to pursue her, running errands for her & even buy gift for her.
    (10) I am married and my wife is living overseas (I know I am very immoral). She pressured me constantly to divorce and live permanently with her. However, she seems not interested to marry me after my divorce.

    You may wonder why I did not leave. I really love her & felt pain if I leave her. Now I want to confirm if she is a narcissist so that I have greater courage to leave her.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 25, 2017 at 3:09 pm Reply

      Hi Johnny,

      My thinking is all you have to do is re-read your post and you will see that leaving her is a no-brainer. Giving her a “narcissist” label shouldn’t make a difference. The behaviors aren’t going to go anywhere. If I told you I didn’t think that she was a narcissist, would you then feel MORE compelled to stay with her? Honestly, she certainly has narcissistic behaviors and maybe she is even a gold-digging sociopath. The fact that she surrounds herself with other men and boyfriends…why do you even want that? What about her could be so attractive when she so obviously takes advantage of any guy that throws a smile her way? It will never stop so you should just let her go, my friend.

      Zari:)

    • Grant

      May 5, 2017 at 12:45 pm Reply

      I met my lovely narc at the end of October, and, fortunately, managed to escape from that unhealthy relationship by the middle of February. Since it wasn’t long, there are not significant damages, and I need no recovery whatsoever.

      Moreover, I had no idea of all these sorts of predators till a few days ago, and my “discovery” was simply amazing because I got the key for all the questions that remained unanswered. Everything that seemed to be strange and irrational become crystal clear, and all her illogical outbursts got their logic.

      Although the fact that I had no idea of terminology, I saw who I am dealing with, and there wouldn’t be happy-end whatsoever. That was evident, but I jumped in the abyss, and if the time machine sent me to that day, I would do it again, without an even single doubt.

      I knew that she was far from a “good girl,” and I was ready for that, but since the evil always hiding in details, there is a huge difference between a random bitch and motivated narc. Even if they have some similar behaviors, their motivations are critically different, and that was the trap for me.

      If I knew what she is eager for, I could handle that relationship much easier. But and since there no money or anything else was involved, she easily bought me with the “pure” emotions, which I even now still doubted whether was they real or faked.

      There was zero of rocket science in her lies, calculating, figuring out, etc. , and once I even told her: “Darling, you have two types of your lie only – evident and ridiculous.”. But when it comes to emotions, she wasn’t just great – she was superior, or whatever most perfect form could be in this case.

      We met and proceeded under circumstances that make this alliance barely possible, and I was sure that there should be something that makes her be with me. I was trying to analyze what it could be and didn’t found anything but emotions and sex.

      Unfortunately, I didn’t know that I have to observe the things from the perspective of a psychopath. Now I know what exactly was there and what I was for her – a perfect source of supply.

      I still have the very first chat history and the other one about a month later. I read it again yesterday, and it’s just unbelievable, how different could be seen even some very nice things.

      The entire idealization process can be observed in those two chats. How she collected, and how easy I gave the information that she badly needs. There are a bit of everything – love-bombing, very first try of aggression, faked-future, non-answering my questions, lowering the expectations, etc. But all those things are hard to be seen without the master key – a perspective of psychopath mind.

      One of my friends are also kind of narc, and I knew that what he called “friendship” is something else, which is probably his supply.

      One day he invited me to dinner at his house, and I went there with my lovely narc. Usually, he pays zero interest to my ladies, but that time was entirely different – they attached immediately, and he pays to her that much attention that I have never seen he paid to anyone else. But it wasn’t even flirt, and now I know what it was – two predators and one pray, Discovery Channel at its best. After that dinner, my attitude to friend dramatically changed and now it’s on the “No contact” stage.

      Well, everything has a two side. My lovely narc helped me to get out of another toxic relationship, which was already long and shouldn’t end anytime soon. She was an adamant trigger at that time.

      • Zari Ballard

        May 8, 2017 at 1:22 pm Reply

        Grant wrote…I knew that she was far from a “good girl,” and I was ready for that, but since the evil always hiding in details, there is a huge difference between a random bitch and motivated narc. Even if they have some similar behaviors, their motivations are critically different…excellent analysis (I get it!)

        Thanks for sharing, Grant! I’m grateful that you didn’t have to hang in the narcissistic nightmare for too long although you sure seem to have grasped the dynamic of this very unique situation. The female narc is particularly awful simply because society enables her to behave (and DISTORT) certain “female” ways that are taken for granted. For the motivated narc, this is like a free pass to do some very, very bad things. I love the little side story about the interaction between her and your other narc friend over dinner…how it was not exactly flirtatious but almost like two predators mentally connecting on a very personal level for mutually nefarious unspoken reasons (how’s THAT for a description – haha!). I found that very interesting…

        So, getting out of that relationship allowed you to kill two birds with one stone. Good for you! We don’t usually get a bonus gift with these break-ups so it’s always awesome to see it happen. If you ever get a chance, read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face just for the hell of it. You’ll see your story on every single page.

        Write anytime…love your insight!

        Zari xo

        • Grant

          May 8, 2017 at 9:55 pm Reply

          Thank you, Zari, for reading and understanding. I don’t think the entire story would be interesting, but I will write about most interesting parts.

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