To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners

male-victim-narcissismMale victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion:  In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male.  And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.

So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.

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To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:

First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.

Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be!  Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world).  Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be.  Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point.  There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.

I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!

My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.

To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.

Your friend,

Zari

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245 Comments

  • Johnny

    April 11, 2017 at 2:47 am Reply

    After interacting with my gf for 9 months, I kind of thinking her as a narcissist. However, I would like you to confirm my thought. The followings are factual description of her behavior. She married twice & had about 10 bf.
    (1) Even I am highly educated (a Phd in business), she kept on telling me I am only book smart & then perform shortcoming analysis on me almost on daily basis. She kept on telling me she is much smarter than me.
    (2) About 70% of our conversation centered on how good her ex bf are. They are rich, handsome, tall, caring …. and when I compared to them, I am really nothing (Still didn’t understand if I am that bad, why she is with me?)
    (3) She spent long long time look into the mirror everyday and talked to herself how pretty she is (I lived with her)
    (4) She seems not taking my interest into account. About 50% of my income was siphoned to her & she keeps on buying this & that without considering my affordability.
    (5) One horrible thing I found out is she seems not genuinely love me. She can be caring & loving at this moment and cold and emotionless the next moment. I think she can suddenly love a stranger if he can provide her with what she wants especially material benefits
    (6) She did not work since 32 (now 48) and her major income is derived from contributions from her ex and my current income.
    (7) She is very manipulative and basically will disapprove what I chose, my opinions and what I appreciate. I found that when I tell her this is what I am going to do, she will think of something else and force me to follow her.
    (8) She is a very very flirtatious woman & attracted a lot of guys to help her running errands. She is so crave for male attention that if I am working & did not give enough attention to her, she will find a guy to entertain her. Once a fortune teller visit her house and she chatted with him for 8 hours alone and even cooked dinner for him despite she is a total stranger. She jokingly suggest that I should allow her one time infidelity. She has an ex bf in UK and recently he came to visit her and she tried to hide our relationship from him. I kind of suspect she has parallel relationship.
    (9) She has no woman friends & 90% people surrounding her is guy. Even she is not interested in guys approaching her, she took pride of attracting male to pursue her, running errands for her & even buy gift for her.
    (10) I am married and my wife is living overseas (I know I am very immoral). She pressured me constantly to divorce and live permanently with her. However, she seems not interested to marry me after my divorce.

    You may wonder why I did not leave. I really love her & felt pain if I leave her. Now I want to confirm if she is a narcissist so that I have greater courage to leave her.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 25, 2017 at 3:09 pm Reply

      Hi Johnny,

      My thinking is all you have to do is re-read your post and you will see that leaving her is a no-brainer. Giving her a “narcissist” label shouldn’t make a difference. The behaviors aren’t going to go anywhere. If I told you I didn’t think that she was a narcissist, would you then feel MORE compelled to stay with her? Honestly, she certainly has narcissistic behaviors and maybe she is even a gold-digging sociopath. The fact that she surrounds herself with other men and boyfriends…why do you even want that? What about her could be so attractive when she so obviously takes advantage of any guy that throws a smile her way? It will never stop so you should just let her go, my friend.

      Zari:)

    • Grant

      May 5, 2017 at 12:45 pm Reply

      I met my lovely narc at the end of October, and, fortunately, managed to escape from that unhealthy relationship by the middle of February. Since it wasn’t long, there are not significant damages, and I need no recovery whatsoever.

      Moreover, I had no idea of all these sorts of predators till a few days ago, and my “discovery” was simply amazing because I got the key for all the questions that remained unanswered. Everything that seemed to be strange and irrational become crystal clear, and all her illogical outbursts got their logic.

      Although the fact that I had no idea of terminology, I saw who I am dealing with, and there wouldn’t be happy-end whatsoever. That was evident, but I jumped in the abyss, and if the time machine sent me to that day, I would do it again, without an even single doubt.

      I knew that she was far from a “good girl,” and I was ready for that, but since the evil always hiding in details, there is a huge difference between a random bitch and motivated narc. Even if they have some similar behaviors, their motivations are critically different, and that was the trap for me.

      If I knew what she is eager for, I could handle that relationship much easier. But and since there no money or anything else was involved, she easily bought me with the “pure” emotions, which I even now still doubted whether was they real or faked.

      There was zero of rocket science in her lies, calculating, figuring out, etc. , and once I even told her: “Darling, you have two types of your lie only – evident and ridiculous.”. But when it comes to emotions, she wasn’t just great – she was superior, or whatever most perfect form could be in this case.

      We met and proceeded under circumstances that make this alliance barely possible, and I was sure that there should be something that makes her be with me. I was trying to analyze what it could be and didn’t found anything but emotions and sex.

      Unfortunately, I didn’t know that I have to observe the things from the perspective of a psychopath. Now I know what exactly was there and what I was for her – a perfect source of supply.

      I still have the very first chat history and the other one about a month later. I read it again yesterday, and it’s just unbelievable, how different could be seen even some very nice things.

      The entire idealization process can be observed in those two chats. How she collected, and how easy I gave the information that she badly needs. There are a bit of everything – love-bombing, very first try of aggression, faked-future, non-answering my questions, lowering the expectations, etc. But all those things are hard to be seen without the master key – a perspective of psychopath mind.

      One of my friends are also kind of narc, and I knew that what he called “friendship” is something else, which is probably his supply.

      One day he invited me to dinner at his house, and I went there with my lovely narc. Usually, he pays zero interest to my ladies, but that time was entirely different – they attached immediately, and he pays to her that much attention that I have never seen he paid to anyone else. But it wasn’t even flirt, and now I know what it was – two predators and one pray, Discovery Channel at its best. After that dinner, my attitude to friend dramatically changed and now it’s on the “No contact” stage.

      Well, everything has a two side. My lovely narc helped me to get out of another toxic relationship, which was already long and shouldn’t end anytime soon. She was an adamant trigger at that time.

      • Zari Ballard

        May 8, 2017 at 1:22 pm Reply

        Grant wrote…I knew that she was far from a “good girl,” and I was ready for that, but since the evil always hiding in details, there is a huge difference between a random bitch and motivated narc. Even if they have some similar behaviors, their motivations are critically different…excellent analysis (I get it!)

        Thanks for sharing, Grant! I’m grateful that you didn’t have to hang in the narcissistic nightmare for too long although you sure seem to have grasped the dynamic of this very unique situation. The female narc is particularly awful simply because society enables her to behave (and DISTORT) certain “female” ways that are taken for granted. For the motivated narc, this is like a free pass to do some very, very bad things. I love the little side story about the interaction between her and your other narc friend over dinner…how it was not exactly flirtatious but almost like two predators mentally connecting on a very personal level for mutually nefarious unspoken reasons (how’s THAT for a description – haha!). I found that very interesting…

        So, getting out of that relationship allowed you to kill two birds with one stone. Good for you! We don’t usually get a bonus gift with these break-ups so it’s always awesome to see it happen. If you ever get a chance, read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face just for the hell of it. You’ll see your story on every single page.

        Write anytime…love your insight!

        Zari xo

        • Grant

          May 8, 2017 at 9:55 pm Reply

          Thank you, Zari, for reading and understanding. I don’t think the entire story would be interesting, but I will write about most interesting parts.

  • KC

    April 3, 2017 at 1:50 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I thought I’d share my story. I’m in a predicament where the false story created by my narcissist ex wife is much more believable than the truth.

    I am a guy who was married to a monster malignant narcissist for 20 years. I don’t know how I managed to survive that long without blowing my brains out. It was 20 years of absolute torture and mental anguish. She used every manipulative technique in the book against me to isolate me from my family and friends, and to make me feel like a stupid, worthless, insane piece of crap—yet I didn’t think I could live without her.

    The first thing she did not long after we were married was to seize control of our finances. Before long, I had to ask permission to buy a $2 fishing lure, while she could pick up the tab for her entire large extended family if we went out to eat at a fancy restaurant. Before the days of the internet, she would hide bills around the house so that I had no idea where we stood financially, and she refused to include me. After the internet, she withheld passwords so I was always in the dark.

    She was insanely violent and would beat the hell out of me over the most minor disagreement. I would hold her back to keep her from killing me—then she would show the bruises on her wrists from my defending myself to her family and friends and claim that I was beating her. Her entire family believed everything she said as gospel truth and interfered constantly—always taking her side. I had no one who would ever take my side. She played the victim role very well.

    She became enmeshed with our daughter soon after birth, and went on to commit covert emotional incest with her—essentially treating her as her spouse instead of me. She and my daughter were best friends from the time she was a child. She encouraged my daughter to be disrespectful to me and turned her against me and my family. I was powerless to do anything about it. If my daughter was disrespectful to me and needed discipline, my wife would jump between me and my daughter and would not allow me to do anything. She would then (in front of my daughter) ask me what I did to make my daughter act disrespectful to me and tell me to apologize to her. If I came home late from work and she and my daughter were waiting so we could go out to eat, she would tell my daughter, “Daddy doesn’t want you to eat.” She essentially brainwashed my daughter to hate me from the time she was a baby.

    Due to her smear tactics, her entire family and her friends saw my ex as a timid little angel who could do no wrong, and saw me as an abusive monster. I was completely alone and had nobody to take my side. I was so tired of fighting an unwinnable nonsensical battle, that I emotionally withdrew—causing my daughter to hate me even more, feeling emotionally abandoned.

    This monster was a master not only at gaslighting, but at projection. She was insanely jealous of my mom and did everything possible to make my mom feel unwelcome. I became afraid to even talk to my mom out of fear of having to answer to my wife, and at one point went close to a year without even talking to her. On the flip side, my wife couldn’t go to the bathroom without her domineering mother’s approval, and her mom would interfere and even physically attack me if I disagreed with my wife about something. Virtually every time my wife and I got into an argument, she would somehow manage to bring my mom’s name into it and tell me that I was “up my mother’s butt” even though I never saw her nor spoke with her. She projected her insane traits upon me—and my daughter (who is now 25) is completely blind to it and blames me for everything that went wrong with our family. She actually says that I was the narcissist.

    At one point when my daughter was in her early teens, she began cutting herself. I begged my wife to do family-system counseling with all three of us to get to the root of the problem—but she would have no part of it because she didn’t want to address the real issue—she just wanted to blame everything on me. Somehow, she and my daughter ended up seeing a counselor together without me, and were able to convince the counselor that I was dangerous, and that the two of them needed to stay in a safehouse to be protected from me (They never did go to a safehouse). It was SO backwards. I had my back against the wall—was absolutely impotent, powerless, completely dominated, alone, hopeless, and oppressed, yet she was somehow able to paint herself as the victim and me a dangerous violent person.

    Though I remained faithful and never even once considered cheating on her throughout those 20 years of hell, the coping mechanism I fell into was sexual addiction—primarily pornography. I guess it was the only way I could feel some sense of power in a world where I was completely dominated by women.

    After 20 years of marriage, 7 years ago, she cheated on me with her ex boyfriend, secretly introduced my daughter to him, then ran off 1000 miles away (taking my daughter with her) to marry him—somehow acting as if she were on the moral high ground. I guess he probably fed her narcissistic needs with less resistance than me. Next to trusting in Christ as my Savior, that monster getting out of my life is the best thing that ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I felt like an adult and developed self esteem.

    Though I was miserable for those 20 years in hell, I did not understand what was happening to me. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was. It wasn’t until after she left that I put 2 + 2 together and realized what had happened.

    About 2 years after my divorce, I remarried and I now have a son. About 2 years into this second marriage, things started to head south. My second wife was not a narcissist—just a very spoiled and selfish person. She seized control of our finances, leaving me completely broke while she and her 2 spoiled daughters lived high on the hog. When I tried to address the issue with her, she refused to talk—For a moment, I felt like I was trapped—slipping back int the same despair I felt during my first marriage. I honestly believe I became temporarily insane, and one day I snapped. I turned to sexual addiction as a coping mechanism—but this time, I attempted to do something illegal and got caught in the act. This led to my divorce, my having only supervised visitation with my son (though it had nothing to do with him), and my being on deferred adjudication for a felony (though not a registrable sex offense). This was SO completely out of character for me.

    I immediately repented for my actions, did everything possible to make things right with my now new ex-wife, and got help through Christian counseling and several Christ-centered programs. I’ve come a long way in the past few years. I no longer struggle with sexual addiction. I have truly walked a good walk for nearly 3 years now.

    I recently felt the time had come for me to start dating again. I setup an account with an online dating site and found one very special, beautiful girl who shared the same faith and moral values as me. We hit it off really well and everything was very promising—except she had a lot of trust issues from her past and could sense that I was holding something back from her. Trying to be transparent and do the right thing, I dropped the nuke on her and told her the entire story of what I had done and that I was on probation. She said she needed time to process everything and pray about whether or not to proceed with our relationship. She’s been flip-flopping about whether or not to proceed because she likes me, but she’s hung up on why my daughter doesn’t talk to me and why I only have supervised visitation with my son—suspecting sexual abuse.

    There was no sexual abuse. My daughter doesn’t talk to me due to the brainwashing she received from her narcissist mother, and I only have supervised visitation with my son because I committed a criminal offense—which had absolutely nothing to do with him—and my ex had a good lawyer.

    I opened a dialog with my daughter last week, asking her to forgive me for emotionally abandoning her. She can’t seem to separate her feelings from her mom’s, and wants me to apologize to her narcissist mom and ask for her forgiveness for things that I not only did not do—but for things she actually did to me!

    Just imagine trying to explain all of this to this girl I’d been seeing—the most special someone I’ve ever met—someone I may like to spend the rest of my life with— the story of how a monster narcissist pathological liar projected her traits upon me and that my daughter believes her lies. My story sounds like complete BS—especially in light of my screwing up and committing a crime. If someone told this story to me, I would not believe it. The false narrative created by this narcissist monster is much more believable than the truth. The truth sounds like a completely made-up story—like I’m just blaming everything on her.

    I was supposed to have dinner with this girl I’d been seeing and talk one night last week but she cancelled at the last minute. I doubt I’ll ever hear from her again.

    If asked, I believe my daughter would tell her that I never sexually abused her, but she has so much anger toward me—both because of my emotionally abandoning her as well as from the brainwashing she received from my first wife—that she would probably sabotage my relationship with this girl.

    Seven years after this monster left me, she still holds a grip on my life. I’m once again in a no-win situation due to her. To this day, though I’ve blocked her on social media, I still see that at least once a month, she still views my LinkedIn profile snooping on me.

    Now, I feel worthless again. I have a story that nobody on earth will believe—plus I now have a criminal record on top of it. I’m stuck in a crappy job and live with a friend because I can’t pass a background check. I’m a painfully honest, decent, trustworthy guy and know I would be a great husband to a girl who deserves to be treated like a queen—but I don’t even feel like making the effort to reach out to anyone on one of the dating websites because after being shot me down by this special girl, I feel like there is no hope.

    I can only imagine how much different my life would have turned out had I never met this monster.

    I know I’m sane. I know my story is absolutely true. I know absolutely nobody on earth will believe me.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 14, 2017 at 2:26 pm Reply

      Hi KC,

      Well, it is a hell of a story and it reads like a novel…have you ever considered writing a book? I did and it changed my whole life, personally, spiritually, and – especially – financially. You’re an excellent writer…think about it.

      Anyway, I have no reason to NOT believe you and the truth is that your story, for a man who was involved with a narcissist, does not sound atypical. I’m not exactly sure how the second woman was able to take over the finances AGAIN but I imagine it happens and the sexual addiction – while I appreciate your honesty – does detract from the obvious narcissist abuse. Nonetheless, it happened and the truth is that for a long time you WILL have to explain what has happened to (not just anyone) but anyone who you might care about.

      Here’s what I suggest: copy your post and keep it handy in case one day you have to explain. Seriously, if I were a girl who was kinda involved and the guy handed it to me, I would at least read it and all the way through. It reads that good:) Now, whether they stay or not, that’s the hard part and who can say but at least you will have explained it (by them reading it) with clarity. When we try to explain something that complicated by speaking, the words NEVER come out right and the people listening, while having good intention, will always hear selectively. All a person would hear would be “sex addiction” or “felony” and so forth. So, again, I read you story…I “get it”…and I suggest you copy paste the above post, print it out, and keep a copy hidden in a drawer for when the time comes.

      Keep on the right track, brother, even when the journey seems the darkest. In due time, the light catches up with you to guide the way. I promise.

      God Bless!

      Zari xo

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