A married narcissist, out of all narcissistic predators, causes the most angst to partners simply because he or she is more polished in the art of manipulation. You would think that a married narcissist would be more subdued in his pursuit of a secondary source of supply but he is not. He is gung-ho for the chase and will give his (or her) all during the love bombing stage as if the fact that he is married is nothing more than a minor detail. The pursuit process and the affair itself share no similarities to, say, how a “normal” married guy might go about it as he stumbles upon someone he finds attractive. No, the process of is completely different and it is this difference that sets the stage for the inevitable confusion and anxiety that befalls a target when the narcissist never gets around to leaving his wife.
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So, are there times when a narcissist will actually leave the wife and family to make good on a long-term affair? Sure, but it is a very, very rare occurrence and typically only happens when the wife calls him out and calls it quits. As long as the wife puts up with cheating or chooses to take him or her back, believing that the affair is over (which it never is), the narcissist will stay married until the end of time.
The girlfriend of a married narcissist will hear a myriad of excuses for why he hasn’t gone through with a divorce, all based around plausible deniability. In 95% of the cases, the divorce was never started but the narcissist can keep an affair dragging on for years and years simply by saying that it has and giving periodic bogus updates. So many women that I speak with have been fed ridiculous excuses for ions and it isn’t until they relay each one to me in a consultation and I pick it apart that they begin to see the light. I’ve come to the conclusion that a married narcissist is one of the most ferociously convincing deceivers on the planet.
In Part II, I will discuss more about the emotional fallout of loving a married narcissist but for now, I simply want to stress one all-important point: the married narcissist does not intend to ever leave his wife and family unless the time comes that he is literally kicked out the front door. It’s just not going to happen. And make no mistake – it’s not because he loves and adore his wife and children. He’s not going to leave his wife simply because he does not and has never felt that it was necessary! Where a “normal” guy who has a long term affair knows in his heart of hearts that he is doing something bad and must make a decision, a narcissist see neither as applicable to his situation. A married narcissist will say whatever his wife and lover need to hear in order to keep his charade going and then be damn proud when he gets away with it.
Compartmentalization is Key
Compartmentalization is the key to how a married narcissist handles his situation. Certainly all narcissists compartmentalize but the married narcissist is the King Pin master of how it’s done. To his lover, just as he did during the pursuit, the narcissist can make it appear that his married life is so far down on his totem poll that he can come and go as he pleases without question. If he feels pressure from the mistress, he simply books a luxury vacation somewhere tropical and off they go. The mistress, seeing that the narcissist is stress free, is all the more convinced that the marriage is on its last legs or possibly even over. The truth is that she is living in a compartment custom tailored to meet the narcissist’s extra marital needs. The wife is simply home in her compartment thinking her husband is away on business or away with friends. She, like the mistress, chooses to believe The Lie and the married narcissist gets the best of both worlds.
Like all narcissists, a married narcissist is not plagued by guilt, remorse, and anxiety when he or she does something wrong. A married narcissist does not consider the feelings of the spouse or lover when he subjects them to lies and shenanigans unless he feels he might get caught.
If you are a long-term lover of a married narcissist, you need to realize is that he’s been caught and forgiven 100 times over throughout the affair by his suspicious wife. No matter what he tells you, his wife does not hate him or cheat on him and she’s not a psycho. She does not ignore or neglect him or feel indifferent to the fact that his behaviors are suspicious and that he could possibly have a girlfriend. And, most important of all, she does not sleep in a separate bedroom and yes, he even has sex with her if he feels he needs to and maybe even because he likes it. Just because he is texting you at midnight does not mean he has his own room in the same way that his wife receiving texts and, more likely, phone calls on the weekends does not mean that he’s really away on business.
A married narcissist, when he needs to, always finds a way to make both sides happy so that he can continue his charade…this is part of the thrill of the game. Why on earth would he ever give it up? For all narcissists, let alone a married narc, life isn’t half as much fun if there is no one’s back behind which to do evil things.
Stay tuned for Part II where I will discuss the emotional fallout of a long-term romantic involvement with a married narcissist.
Are you involved with a married narcissist? Please leave your comments below!
candice
April 28, 2021 at 8:00 ammine divorced his wife i did my research and he showed me the papers, bought me a ring, but I said NO!! I can never trust him and things will never be the same!
Brenda Lee Wendt
April 25, 2021 at 2:08 pmI’ve been with my narcissist for 13 years and he is married still to this day it’s been one year since we’ve been back and forth and he’s been living with another woman but then leaves her and comes back to me then leaves me goes back to her. He’s lies about working out of town when he’s really not cuz he’s with the other woman and then when he’s with me he probably tells her the same thing I don’t know. I have lost everything from two homes to my children family and friends. But he still sucks me back in where I continuously take him back and believe his lies. He doesn’t treat me with respect at all he downgrades me talks horrible things about me accuses me of cheating when I’ve never cheated. And when I was single from this past year I tried to talk to other people but it never worked because he always came back into my life and sucked me back in. I’ve been trying to get away from him but he just has his words that make me doubt myself and think that I still want to be with him knowing deep down inside I don’t I know it’s wrong I know I don’t deserve this but I just can’t get my brain to accept it I block him then I’m block him it’s just a vicious cycle. He has beaten me broke my tooth almost broke my jaw and like his punching bag when there’s nobody else there to latch out on. He financially does not support me I’ve been supporting both of us this whole 13 years but then when he does have money he never offers to help me. Now he’s living with this other girl he magically has all this money now and works all these crazy hours when he never did that for me. How do I break free from this man that manipulates me so bad and I keep falling for his lies after lies over and over again. We fight constantly cuz no matter what I say it’s always wrong and if I don’t say what he wants me to say then we argue and he’s always right and it’s always about him always about his feelings never about mine he’s hurt me so bad broke my heart so many times left me to pick up the pieces and I did and then he takes it right back again and I wonder how I still have a heart left because it’s been crushed so many times but I seem to be still forgiving him and taking him back how can I do this to myself when I know it’s wrong somebody please tell me what I can do to break this vicious cycle.
Dr Blabby
September 17, 2020 at 6:44 amMy narc husband of 9 yrs cheated on me before we were married, while we were engaged and after we married. Not sure of the number of times. In the early days, I was crushed. But when I learned about narcissism and could put all the puzzle pieces together making sense of his insanity it made things easier for me. I have my reasons for staying – BUT I also live in my own house – have my own money – and am totally independent of this man EXCEPT he provides excellent health benefits, extra social security, – all things I couldn’t afford on my own. SO I guess you could say I play the player. We are not little kids so there are no children involved. The point I wanted to make – I agree. These narcs are consummate liars – unbelievable how convincing they are!! He had two women behind my back and I NEVER suspected it for a second. How did I find out? His phone ( text messages) and he forgot I had the password to his email. ( Found receipts for flowers)… If he got another woman, it might sting for a second – but in reality – I KNOW he wouldn’t treat her any better than he treats me or anyone else who went before me ( 2 ex wives) …. But those of you who can find a way to get out — GO – RUN FAST – IT doesn’t get better. It gets WORSE.. I am a very strong woman – but even this man/boy pushed my last button. IT’s exhausting. Their objective? To destroy you. There is nothing you can do or say – no
counselor’s advice – NOTHING that will change what a narc is. They have to believe they are perfect – and YOU become the garbage can for their abuse – the nastiness that they have to dump on someone else. Hugz to all.
Joan Morris
June 12, 2020 at 8:17 amI dated a married narc for 3 years. I never thought I would date a married man. I am so hurt and ashamed. He lied about being married and then his wife found out. By then I was so in love I couldnt stop. Then he lied more and said he was only there for bills and for his daughter to go to college. After that he said he was leaving. He said his wife was crazy and abusive. He didn’t love her and he loved me. I got dumped 3 times in the 3 years if his wife found out it was still going on. He would call and say he love his wife and he wasn’t going to see me again..I would be so heartbroken. Then weeks later I would get text that he was sorry and he loved me and he really don’t love his wife. Thus last time his wife hired a private investigator and caught us a hotel. 3 days later he called and left the message that he was working on his marriage and he love his wife and its over. The following day his wife called 5 times and left 4 messages putting me down and wanting to talk to me. Also wanting me to talk with her and him. I finally called her so she would stop calling my phone. She put me down and blamed me for everything. Said she not divorcing her husband and that he told her he never loved me. He had told her things I confided only in him. Then he started posting pictures of him and his wife looking happy..less then a week after she caught us. I am so hurt and angry with myself. Oh his wife also said that he is an alcoholic and a narcissist.
Zari Ballard
July 4, 2020 at 11:28 pmHi Joan,
Married narcs are the worst of the worst. I am so sorry that you went through all that…it sounds very painful. He is a liar and a cheat and if his wife chooses to stay, then let it be HER problem. You have no reason to be angry with yourself and what will that do anyway after the fact. Forgive yourself and be grateful you got out when you did. Stop looking at social media because it is the mind-killer…I know it’s hard but you can do it. Book some time with me if you need to chat. I would be happy to help you:)
Deborah
October 9, 2021 at 1:08 amWhy are you single women or married women sleeping with our Husbands?? You deserve to have to your hearts and souls RIPPED OUT more than us Wives have to go through because little immature girls like you spread your legs for these narc psychopaths and the Wives (or husbands) have to go thru the worst betrayal and turmoil of their lives. I love the way everybody just skips over these “Poor Me I’m Committing Adultery Too” baby sad stories.
GET YOUR OWN MAN (OR WOMAN). STOP FN WITH OUR HUSBANDS AND WIVES!! LET US FIGURE OUT TO DO WITH THESE PEOPLE FIRST
Adulterers go to HELL Just remember that when you’re screwing and having affairs with our wives and husbands. YOU ARE COMMITTING ADULTERY WITH THESE SATANS.
Zari Ballard
May 8, 2022 at 2:35 amI didn’t sleep with anyone’s husband, by the way. Never did, never will. But I’m sure many women slept with my narc thinking he was single! I can’t very well blame them for that. Do you think narcs start a conversation by saying their married?? Narcissists present themselves as single sometimes for YEARS, living two lives on two ends of town. Partners don’t know their “satan” is “satan” until it’s typically emotionally too late and THEN it’s hard to believe you’ve been fooled like that for so long. The narc, of course, is busy doing damage control the whole time to both sides, telling MORE lies. You can guarantee that whatever your narc husband or wife narc tells you about the other woman or man is a lie to cover his own ass. So, while you’re trying to “figure” out what to do with “satan”, he or she has been creating a whole other life with someone who believed the lie just like you. A married narcissist is worst predator of them all. I don’t think you quite understand that. Somehow I get the feeling you’re still trying to give the married narc the benefit of the doubt.
Ca
May 27, 2021 at 6:06 amI think it depends on what type of narcisisst. The narcissist I’m married has divorced all of his wives as soon as he realized he was unmasked and the supply dried up. He is a all or nothing, everything must go his way or the highway, and negotiates his own divorce or treats you like the living he’ll if you don’t comply. He makes you suicidal hoping you leave everything behind to maintain your sanity. He’s divorced times and have lots of x girlfriends.
Wish narcissism was more of an everyday discussion. I never knew of livebombing and covert narcissism till it was wayyy too late.
Pauline
February 13, 2020 at 7:03 amI have been married to a narcissist for the last 17 years, and he has cheated on me about 5 times that I know of. he is a pathological liar, I have not met anyone in my entire lifetime that can lie like this man. he is an absolute expert. His latest affair is a married woman who is 22 years younger than him. He has been sleeping with her for about 2 years. I had my suspicions because of all the other affairs but when I confronted him he said to me If I can prove it he will admit it. Anyway he did get caught and then lied to me and the church about all the details about this woman and said he ended the relationship well that isnt true they are still sleeping together to this day, she is married and I dont think it matters. I kicked him out and I am divorcing him. He is Satan himself and I am so so glad that my eyes have been open to this evil monster.
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 12:12 amHi Pauline, I am SO grateful that you KICKED HIM OUT! You go, girl!! Let him be HER problem once and for all. With your back behind which to do evil things, the dynamic of life becomes very different. Eventually, she’ll find her way to my website and others like it as they all do. And so be it. Now you can breathe and do whatever the hell you want! Big hugs, my sister!
Nizya Menez
March 9, 2021 at 11:12 pmIt was so awful. I spent 3 years of my life with a married narcissist and I can say is truly HELL. Everything seemed so perfect at the beginning, love bombing at its best. But I should have known better. He declared his love for me after 3 months of texting and told me I was the love of his life. He ran great miles to prove all he was feeling for me and I swallowed all those lies like candy corn. Those individuals are amazing at lying and compartmentalization. No regrets, no fear of getting caught, which made me believe all his stories. His charming ways and narrative, made Everything feel so safe and truthful, not for a minute I thought he was just manipulating me. But after a year and a half, I started to walk on eggshells. Even when he made things wrong, I was the one asking for forgiveness. Gaslighting, even when truths were right on my face, I couldn’t just not believe him. The thought of leaving him was frightening but so were the thoughts of staying in that relationship. They charm you in every way possible, even during sex. You just can’t resist him.
My advice. When your gut feeling tells you, something is not ok, it’s not. Thankfully I got out of it by leaving him, but it just got worse. He treated me like a whore and started the love bombing stage with the wife he swore by the health of his own kids, didn’t love. Took some time so heal, but the peace I gained from the breakup , finally revealed itself. Good luck and RUN Away as fast and far as you can !
Jessica Plancich
October 24, 2021 at 9:01 pmThis sounds about right. I married a narcisist when I was 21. I found literally thousands of sext messages he was exchanging with other women, most of whom were married. He had met with tons of them. He especially targeted married and pregnant women. His reasoning? You can’t get pregnant if you’re already pregnant. Sick mindset if you ask me. He made up A very sad narrative about being a sex addict who loved me and called his infidelity his “struggle”. He went through tons of pastoral counseling, and ran circles around the counselor until he showed his true colors one too many times. that resulted in him being one of only three people in 25 years to be asked to leave our church. I have been fighting for a divorce for over a year now and it has been extremely hard to get rid of him. He convinced a good chunk of our mutual friends that I am the one who cheated on him (never did) and demands I stay single now. They are bad news.
Jon Rhodes
February 4, 2020 at 11:39 amMy ex was trying to play the triangulation game with me. She was having an affair with a guy 19 years younger than her. When I found out, she tried to play it down, as if nothing was happening. Like it was some minor thing. She said she’d forgive me if I did the same.
Luckily I had the sense, and the strength, to leave her straight away. She carried on seeing him, even though she was trying to get back with me. I’m pretty sure she’d have carried on seeing him if I’d have stayed, or got back with her.
I knew life would be hell if I stayed.
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 12:26 amJOn, wow, you did the right thing and you are absolutely CORRECT. Like I always say, the female narc has the male narc beat hands down in the evil department. She is the worst of the worst, brother. NOTHING you could have ever done would have changed the outcome. Whether we stay or go, they simply continue on the same trajectory. So this being true, we need to be confident in the truth that we know…then, choosing to leave is truly a no-brainer. xo
Shannon
January 24, 2020 at 8:38 amIt’s very frustrating, not knowing the truth, but this article does seem accurate. The worst part is when he says he has never lied to me. Each time I try to ask about a date of the divorce being final, he cannot provide a date. It seems strange to me. Each time I try to move on and date, he shames me or throws a really huge emotional fit. Mostly, he is very punishing and mean and I do not know how I got to this place. It has been a year now and I feel so depleted. I have now blocked him on everything, but I still have the gifts, pictures, texts, etc. I just want to heal and stop crying and feeling badly about myself. I broke contact earlier this week to say something rude, but of course, he was 10 times more rude and it hurt, so I blocked him back. Every single person who loves me is so over this situation and they really want me to heal and move forward. Thank you for this important work that you are doing.
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 12:34 amHi Shannon, look…I know that deep down you KNOW that he can not tell you a date because THERE ISN’T ONE. Married narcs will tell you a tale and never back down from it. Of course he has lied to you….narcs can speak words, let the lies roll off their tongue while looking you in the eye and holding your hand. But they are full-on liars. I hope and pray you have still blocked him. YOU CAN DO THIS! Consider booking some time with me, girl. I have helped many a girlfriend of a married narc break free from the bullshit. You don’t have to tackle it alone…narc slaying is what I do best:) Think about it…you deserve to be happy…xxoo