What are Narcissists & Sociopaths REALLY thinking? (Part 3/3)

narcissist-abuseVictims of narcissist abuse always want to know what in the hell the narcissist is really thinking – as if knowing the awful truth will bring actual closure to the pain of a discard. Although I can understand this,  I am fairly certain that most of us know all too well exactly what the narcissist is thinking and our quest for truth is actually about us hoping that we’re wrong.  Unfortunately, this article – Part 3 of A Sociopath Exposes a Narcissist – isn’t going to help to that end but it will, in fact, give us some cold hard facts.

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Since I believe that a narcissist is a sociopath and a sociopath is a narcissist, the words that follow might as well have come out of the mouth of the N himself (or herself). If you’ve read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series of articles, then you know that the “answers” I provide are taken directly from the blog of a sociopath. Although the words aren’t pretty and, for the most part, do not tell us anything that we don’t already know in our heart of hearts, I decided to use this information (a.k.a. the thoughts of this sociopath) to my blog because I really do feel that seeing is believing and we all need to see this to believe it.

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It’s amazing to me that, although I discovered this particular blog many years ago, the words are as cutting and hurtful today as they were to me back then. I guess the truth is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts, right? So, for everyone who searches for answers on the web with search phrases like “When will the narcissist return?”, “Does the narcissist miss me?”, “What is a narcissist thinking during a silent treatment?”, “Why do narcissists use silent treatments?”, “Does the narcissist remember me?” and on and on, the answers below come right from a narcissist’s mouth and should answer all of those questions in one sad fell swoop. [Note: The questions that precede the “answers” were created by me according to my take on the answer itself].

Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?

The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Real sociopaths (narcissists), like myself, are happy being a sociopath (narcissist). We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. It’s all we know. So, (if you think) sociopaths really are hurting deep down inside and want to change if given a chance, nonsense! True (narcissists and) sociopaths don’t want to change. Most don’t even believe they have a problem. We love every minute of it. It’s who we are. We feel in total control of our lives using this method. Anything less is unacceptable. 

Why doesn’t the narcissist seem to miss me like I miss him when we break up?

The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath:We don’t need you. You could disappear tomorrow and we could care less. We’re not prone to being controlled in any way, shape or form. We are survivalists. Trust us we would live if the human race disappeared tomorrow. We are far too self serving and self absorbed not to. At the very least? We’d give it a damn good shot! And we don’t need you in some round about way either. You’re mistaking us for someone who gives a shit or has feelings like your own. Trust me we don’t. We simply use you because you’re nearby, you’re convenient or we’re bored and desire something you possess. Otherwise we would go on without you just fine. Because, again, we don’t possess feelings like you do. Getting it now?

How can a narcissist just move on to someone else like it’s no big deal?

The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath:I think sociopaths do a good job of living in the now. They can focus on the task at hand without being influenced by feelings or events from the past, other lessons learned, and they don’t become so anxious about the future. When they do get anxious it’s more like a response to present situations, just like animals do.

Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?

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The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Not being guided by a ‘moral compass’ means that judgments of good vs. bad and rights vs. wrong are determined using a different mechanism. Psychopaths (narcissists and sociopaths) know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. While such a simplistic method of decision-making leaves plenty of room for error, it also explains why they are sometimes unaware of the trouble they cause or outright do not care. If they choose to do what social norms and laws determine to be “good” and someone is unintentionally hurt in the process who assumes the burden of guilt? Their intention was good, indicating morality in that they chose to follow socially acceptable rules, but the behavior violated another person’s moral code and no remorse is being expressed on cue. It is in this space that the mask of sanity begins to slip and people are often shockingly aware that this person possesses very little real emotion. The psychopath/narcissist, however, feels no guilt or empathy by default and can’t understand why the other person is so upset. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’ Why should a psychopath fake emotion just to appease the other person? His behavior is within the framework of the laws but his emotion is not fueling the behavior. They do not see a need for emotion to be involved so pervasively in life and regular people cannot fathom how it is possible to function without emotional connections to other people. Psychopaths seem to intellectually understand that losing a close friend brings about pain which leads to crying as a way to release overwhelming emotion in normal people. But to cry because your feelings were hurt is a foreign concept. Therefore, the psychopath sees no logical reason for either party to display emotion in this situation; rather, his good intentions and avoidance of malice are enough to justify his action. Just because it did not go according to plan does not make him responsible for the other person’s feelings. Furthermore, the slighted person doesn’t deserve an apology because it is they who are handicapped by irrational emotions.

So, if you’ve been wondering how a narcissist really feels and hoping that a truthful answer might warrant some sympathy on your part, this article series should put an end to that once and for all, wouldn’t you say?

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  • Richard Smith

    August 27, 2017 at 3:32 pm Reply

    This narcissist, if he actually is one, answering the questions in this article, is a blatant liar. And as we know, narcissists are liars by nature.

    He claims they are happy people. Yet consider these traits: Narcissists are ultra thin skinned with extremely fagile egos. Look at them wrong and they are offended and hurt. They fall apart–I’ve seen it myself. Often they are hurt by perceived (imaginary) slights to their character or behavior. That causes them to break down. Then they are driven to retaliation. Sometimes they can achieve that, oftentimes not because often the object of their retaliation, the one who offended them so badly, is a stranger that is just a passing acquaintance that they will never see again. That must burn them up with frustration — the inability to be able to get their petty revenge. But they spend all their time plotting that revenge. It’s never enough. They’re obsessed. That person is on their mind day and night. Night and day.

    Does that sound happy to you?

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2017 at 2:24 pm Reply

      Hi Richard,

      Narcissists are “happy” people because they get to do what they want when they want whenever they want at anyone’s expense. Unfortunately, this is what makes a narcissist “happy”. Of course, to us, we imagine what they are thinking and feeling and can’t imagine that it makes them “happy” at all. But our idea of happiness and the version that a narcissist feels are not the same. To each his own. We can learn about narcissism and attempt to “get it” so we can deal with our hurt feelings but the truth is that we’re never going to wrap our heads around the true mindset of these people.

      So, to answer your question about whether or not this sounds happy to me, no, of course not. But I’m not a narcissist.


  • Megan Manning

    June 23, 2017 at 12:18 pm Reply

    Hi all –

    I’m also struggling to understand the motives and thinking behind my ex narc’s behavior. It just doesn’t make sense to me, at all. I experienced all the same stages.. we started off so quickly, I fell for his fake charm and was in love with him within 2 months, then he started pulling away and started blaming me for the relationship failing. We were dating for about 5 months, and during the last month, I offered to watch his dog while he was in Europe with his family for over two weeks. Not once during those two weeks did he ask how I was doing or how his dog was doing. The only communication I got from him was sexting via snapchat.. So he gets back (after lying about the day he actually got back) and breaks up with me a week later saying I’m too needy and that we “just didn’t click as much as (he) thought we would”. I was at my wit’s end by that point from all the emotional jerking around, so I agreed to it. Before we ended the breakup conversation, I said that the only thing left was for me to get my belongings back from his place. “Well what do you have here” he snapped at me. I should have known then it wouldn’t be easy, and that the person I was dealing with was not who I fell in love with, and is in fact a sociopath. So we broke up April 15th and I have yet to get my stuff back from him. I tried so hard to end things amicably with him and gave him so many opportunities to return my stuff without having to see me, and it’s been non-stop childish games. “Him: What’s the big rush” “Him: If you want it, come get it yourself… Me: Okay, when can I? …. Him: SILENT TREATMENT” “Him: Idk, I just have weird feelings about going to your place… Me: Why? Can’t you just drop it off? Him: SILENT TREATMENT”. Finally I cracked and snapped at him saying I’m the one who was strung along and used for 5 months and that he never cared about us anyways. Cue the narcissistic rage. He unleashed long texts about he had no problem returning my stuff until I started acting like a child and how dare I say I was strung along and used when he gave me every opportunity to stop being so effing immature, etc. It was shocking and finally made me realize it wasn’t my problems that ruined the relationship, it was his. So I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m okay just walking away from what I left at his place. At the end of the day, it’s all material things that can be replaced and I know I’m gaining more by walking away from the situation, but I just don’t understand it. Why couldn’t he just return it and why is he still stalking my social media profiles (I can see when he looks at my snapchat stories and he watches ALL of them). What is the point? I keep reading articles like these and the logic makes sense, but I still can’t process it. And I hate that he’s still taking up so much of my mental space and energy. 🙁

    • Zari Ballard

      July 10, 2017 at 1:14 am Reply

      Hi Meagan,

      Narcissists simply like keeping exes and their things in the queue. First, I would block him from being able to look at your social media. If you can do that, it will solve that problem because it doesn’t really matter WHY he looks; you just need not be able to see it. Next, you really should have just picked up your stuff right at the beginning. I would have marched myself right over there…perhaps brought a friend for back-up or the cops if need be. It’s not up to him to return your things and a narc wouldn’t do that anyway. He would rather run you around. If you’re okay with him keeping them, then it’s probably time to block him so he can’t call you or text you. If you still want your things, then just go get them and let that be the end of it. Good luck, sister!

      Zari xo

      • juanita juniper

        November 7, 2017 at 6:52 am Reply

        they do it for ATTENTION, it’s what they live for. If he had brought you your belongings, the contact would be over and he wouldn’t be sucking anymore attention out of you!

  • Nicole

    March 2, 2017 at 2:53 pm Reply

    I know my story is nothing special at all, but I’ve been struggling a lot recently and I feel very stuck. None of my friends get it or understand, and I know the best thing for me is to probably go to therapy, but since my narcissist ex has degraded me to my very core already, I want to try my hardest to find my strength from within and get over this myself without giving my ex narc the even bigger ego boost of knowing he messed me up so badly that I’m putting my time and money aside to get professional help to heal from what he did to me.

    I’m in my third year of college, and my ex narc is a year older (a senior). I met him the very first week of school my freshman year, and we dated on and off for 2 years. Keep in mind I never had a boyfriend before him, so I think that was my initial reason for falling for him so hard when we first started out. Like most victims to narcissists, I was naive and chose to ignore the red flags I saw, giving him the benefit of the doubt when he would be caught in sketchy behavior as he would resort to his clever manipulation tactics to get around it every time. I went through all three phases, idealization, devalue, discard. The little break ups we would have wouldn’t last more than a week, but the first time we officially broke up was after 10 months (he lied telling me there was no girls going to this vacation house for the weekend, and there ended up being many, including his ex-girlfriend at the time, which I wouldn’t have found out about if I didn’t hear girls talking on the other end of our phone call). We didn’t talk for 4 months, and the new school year came around. I was on a branch campus of my university and luckily didn’t have to see him around, since he had moved to the main campus of our university since he was a year older. He texted me out of the blue one day in November and practically begged to drive over to see me. I hesitated and contemplated it for a long while, showing him I wasn’t sure, but eventually I caved and we got back together. At first he was amazing, like a completely new guy, and now I’m realizing that was the idealization phase all over again, this time much shorter, as I now know through research how narcissists operate. We somehow managed, through a rocky road, to stay together for 10 more months. I’m understanding now that the only reason why that most likely happened was because we were on different campuses and it was a lot easier for him to have other supply and keep it hidden from me completely, while still being interested enough to keep me around on weekend visits. AS SOON as junior year came around (this past September), and I was finally moved up to main campus with him, it didn’t even take a week for him to turn into someone I had never met before. I had no idea who he was. Him and his frat brothers were binge drinking all day every day, he never cared to be around me or keep in touch, and whenever I was around him he either seemed irritated by my presence or completely indifferent. I didn’t know who he was… he was acting like a complete stranger who I’ve never met before, and the worst part about it was he was seeing my upsetment, clearly seeing in my face how much I was hurting and how helpless and confused I was feeling at his abrupt change of personality, and he would not care.

    He pushed me to my limits so much to the point where I told him we should take a month break to figure it out. I wanted him to change, to become a better person for me, to stop drinking so much and prove to me that he missed me and wanted to work things out. At the end of the month we met up for lunch and I missed him so much. I wanted him back, I stayed loyal the entire time for him (like we said we’d do, and he would text me ALL THE TIME worried that I was going to find someone else) but in the end… it was him.

    I ended things officially a day or two after we had lunch because he told me he would text me and we should see where things take us, and he never did. I realized I was being played. A week later, he had a new girlfriend. But the worst part about it was, I had no clue he did. I was in the dark for 5 months about it. After he discarded me, I was good about not wanting to hear about his whereabouts or knowing what he was up to. In my head, I figured he was going around having sex with a bunch of girls being the fratboy that he is, getting drunk and adding to his body count of hot girls he’d take home from the bars. I thought they were meaningless hookups he was having, just another number on his list of his crazy party/sex binge he wanted to kick off his senior year with before he graduates. I had absolutely NO IDEA he would immediately go back into another committed relationship, if anything thats the last thing I’d thought he would want.

    I just found out last weekend that he has had a new girlfriend for 5 months… when we’ve only been broken up for 5 1/2. Clearly now I realize he was cheating on me with her at the end of our relationship, that he already had her and was entertaining her in the bedroom as soon as the school year began, maybe even continuing from last year when we weren’t on the same campus, and he just kept me around in the summer as a bookmark for when he returned to her (we had an amazing summer together too which is why I was so confused and shocked at how it all came crashing down the first week of school).

    I realized I didn’t need to go off on that tangent, but I got so angry and upset and realized so many more redflags that I missed throughout the ending of our relationship that I just made myself angry, sad, and completely humiliated all over again. I feel like an absolute fool, a complete idiot. Which is really upsetting because I do consider myself to be a very smart person, but not with him. I genuinely loved him with every fiber in my being and it is the most painful thing in the world to have to accept that for 2 WHOLE YEARS (thats a lot for me) he never loved or cared about me a single bit. that all the memories we made meant nothing to him, he never felt any connection to me at all. I know narcissists don’t have empathy, but I can not seem to wrap my head around how a human being can’t feel ANYTHING like that at all, especially considering I’m not like most girls, I’m different and unique and he would tel me that all the time… but he never meant it.

    I was doing better for those 5 months of no contact, yes I got sad about him often but not in anyway how I feel right now, after finding out so recently that he has been sleeping next to the same girl every night when he goes to bed. How he’s happy with a new girl, after all the pain and suffering he put me through he goes to bed every night without any regret, and his apartments all but a 10 minute walk away from me. He wants nothing to do with me, he never apologized to me, had any closure, came up to me in person at the end of our relationship to end things peacefully and civilly like adults- none of that. He abandoned me, and now he’s happy with his new supply. How is that fair? I’m crying myself to sleep every night about him, i feel alone and unlovable, while the monster he is gets to forget about me and all I did for him while he’s having sex with his new girlfriend? He doesn’t deserve a girlfriend, he doesn’t deserve all the attention this new girl is giving him and boosting his ego. If anything I should be the one who has a boyfriend who appreciates me like this new girl loves and appreciates him.

    He’s graduating in May, so thankfully I won’t have to see deal with the thought of bumping into him next year at school. But at this rate, I don’t know how I can manage making it till May. I go back and forth between anger, sadness, regret, and self-hate… exactly what he wants me to be like. But I will never, NEVER take him back. I blocked his number and blocked him on every social media account I could. I know exactly the kind of monster he is now and I will never give him the time of day again, that i know for sure. I don’t even think he will ever attempt to reach out to me again because he’s already moved on to his next girl, and after that girl he’ll go on to the next one… he has left me in the dust a long time ago and has no intentions of looking back.

    I just need to know that karma will come back to get him in the future. It disgusts me to think that he is going to break so many girls hearts and be the absolute monster that he is to girls in the future and get away with it scotch free. I read many articles online that say that narcissists are way too intelligent for karma, and that it will not effect them, they will never get a taste of their own medicine or feel any type of pain even remotely similar to the pain they cause their victims…. and that SICKENS me. I need to know that he will be miserable one day, that he will finally realize the destruction he caused others because he will get to feel that exact same way. I need to know that he won’t just go through life feeling so grandiose and full of himself that he never gets what he so desperately deserves, which is a narcissistic injury SO IMMENSE that it is comparable to the suffering he caused me, and is still causing me to this day without even realizing it.

    I know the best thing for me to do is move on and be happy, but it’s easier said than done. I need guidance, reassurance, anything that will help me start to move forward. I want to make it look as though he hasn’t fazed me whenever I’m in public, because I know he would love to hear that I’m still so hung up on him, but just the thought of bumping into him and his new gf on the street makes me want to puke, especially if they look so cute and happy. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve to be happy.

    I do 🙁

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2017 at 2:17 pm Reply

      Nicole wrote…. I know narcissists don’t have empathy, but I can not seem to wrap my head around how a human being can’t feel ANYTHING like that at all, especially considering I’m not like most girls, I’m different and unique and he would tel me that all the time… but he never meant it. This is the hardest part…to accept that we weren’t as “special” as we thought we were (and that he told us we were to keep us on the hook)!

      Hi Nicole,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am going to my email right now and send you a PDF version of my first book, When Love Is a Lie. I’ll send to the email that you used to post your story so please look for it.

      Yes, you DO deserve to be happy and you will. He will continue on in his life as he always has but none of it is real and this includes his new relationship. He is what he is and what he is is a frat boy player and this is unlikely to change anytime soon. Narcissists are all about appearances so of course his new relationship is going to APPEAR all happy and wonderful but you know better than that. These guys don’t change over night…it’s not even logical to think that.

      My book will help you, girl. It will explain how I got through the break-up after 13-years of being fooled and then fooled again. And I know all too well how those around you simply do not “get it”…. and they never will. Unless a person has experienced this type of relationship weirdness, they simply can never understand. I would be happy to speak with you…conversations between like-minded individuals work wonders, my sister. You need to turn your MAD to SAD!!

      Look to your email for my book…..I believe it will bring you much comfort:)

      Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2017 at 2:22 pm Reply

      Nicole wrote…. I know narcissists don’t have empathy, but I can not seem to wrap my head around how a human being can’t feel ANYTHING like that at all, especially considering I’m not like most girls, I’m different and unique and he would tel me that all the time… but he never meant it. This is the hardest part…to accept that we weren’t as “special” as we thought we were (and that he told us we were to keep us on the hook)!

      Hi Nicole,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am going to my email right now and send you a PDF version of my first book, When Love Is a Lie. I’ll send to the email that you used to post your story so please look for it.

      Yes, you DO deserve to be happy and you will. He will continue on in his life as he always has but none of it is real and this includes his new relationship. He is what he is and what he is is a frat boy player and this is unlikely to change anytime soon. Narcissists are all about appearances so of course his new relationship is going to APPEAR all happy and wonderful but you know better than that. These guys don’t change over night…it’s not even logical to think that.

      My book will help you, girl. It will explain how I got through the break-up after 13-years of being fooled and then fooled again. And I know all too well how those around you simply do not “get it”…. and they never will. Unless a person has experienced this type of relationship weirdness, they simply can never understand. I would be happy to speak with you…conversations between like-minded individuals work wonders, my sister. You need to turn your MAD to SAD!!

      Look to your email for my book…..I believe it will bring you much comfort:) If you don’t see it, check your SPAM because sometimes Gmail will send a Yahoo email there the first time.


      Zari xo

    • Sick of BS

      August 6, 2017 at 12:35 am Reply

      U may not think so…but, Ur story is very special & the thing I hold out SO much HOPE for U…is U’ve been thru the HORRIBLE experience very YOUNG & I hope U go forward with knowledge. A person lot older than U & NO stupid person either…I wish back in the yrs of my Uni…I was made VERY aware of SOCIOPATHS. NOT a mental illness that can be cured, or maintained – but, a hard-wired brain defect. 4%, they GUESS of the population (1in 25..¾’s male)…many very high IQs….ZERO in the emotional IQ department.

    • Sick of BS

      August 6, 2017 at 12:36 am Reply

      Every emotional PAIN U discuss is very REAL, esp the self-hatred for feeling fooled & duped…U feel violated & U were! But here’s a lil HOPE when U worry who he sleeps with next & WANT to believe he’s HAPPY. He’s NOT…he’s incapable of it & that’s NOT just a remark…it’s a FACT! They CAN’T feel happiness, as much as they can’t feel guilt or sadness…they feel NOTHING…EVERY day of their miserable lives! If U get to read any sociopath blogs [psychogendered.com is a good one]…their MAJOR internal turmoil is a life of perpetual BOREDOM.

    • Sick of BS

      August 6, 2017 at 12:37 am Reply

      If ur exe wakes up next to s/o – the poor person he PRETENDED to make love to, when he can’t (he may as well have just shit in a toilet – it’s all the same to him…yet, he gets CONTROL over s/o with sex)…his 1st thoughts have to be…how can I fuck this person’s life up today? What’s in it for ME! THAT is HIS life…EVERYDAY…he opens his eyes. U CAN’T envy that!
      And, here’s a lil tip…if u’r just NOT sure if ur next partner has feeling or appreciates anything…take them to a beautiful sunset, or a gorgeous view – say nothing…& watch how they NON-react…or try to make it about sex, or otherwise, try to boast of something better. Ding! Ding! Ding! BIG redflags.

    • Sick of BS

      August 6, 2017 at 12:38 am Reply

      Whatever U do, don’t let them know U’r onto them…esp if they know alot about U…they can get QUITE NASTY…just make a feeble excuse for a breakup…like, it’s ur problem, not them. Then BLOCK them completely. Believe me…they’ll move on…they have heaps of poor ‘victims’ lined up anyway.
      And once u’r FREE…get out & breathe & feel HAPPY U got out of the crazy circus that rolled into ur town!
      MOST of all…don’t expect s/o to make ur life…learn to NOT need anyone. If the right person surfaces…then, u’ll know U can take them or leave them. These MONSTERS BELIEVE women are needy & all U have to do, is fuck them & U got them under control. Don’t let any person believe that!

  • Lulu

    February 26, 2017 at 7:18 am Reply

    I am in a high conflict divorce. I have been reading lots of articles about narcissism and mental health issues and still feel no where to put my soon to be my ex husband. I have never experienced this before for 15 years I still have trouble to understand who he is. Outside he is a great guy, happy, chatty , helpful and always tries to please friends and always grabs the bills. He donates substantial amount of money to charities and did not care to leave his name. He seems to feel bad about people who suffer in pain. These traits seem to be very non narcissistic. Not so much at home. He had a drinking problem and always search for some kind of substance that can make him happy. He lies pathologically he knows that I know the truth and still lies. He is a master of gaslighting I have photographic kind of memories yet he managed to shake my confidence and made me wonder : is it possible that I am crazy ? I started to take notes and carefully watch every single detail how he manipulates it and in no time I am thrown in a big pit of guilt and blame and no room even for for to climb out because a mountain of accusations and blame was thrown into the pit I was soon buried. He cheated repeatedly always knees down to beg for another chance and cries his eye balls out for forgiveness but as soon as he feels the crisis is over he is back to be the nasty person again. He makes excuses and blames me for his cheating saying he never feels love from me and he was looking for love. He cheats with prostitues and has anonymous sex so it is very hard for me to figure out when he is cheating again. I caught him red handed 5 times with proof being thrown on my face. I believe he has cheated much more.

    He wakes up unhappy most of the time and snarls at me throughout the day. I have been more and more careful not to piss him off by doing things exactly what he wants but still it seems a never fulfilling job. He complains about one thing I quickly changed it and only to find he complains again. He does sweet talk and praises me but years after years he only praises how I look, how well I cook and how smart and tenanted I am. He never comments about my personality and my heart and who I am, which is the biggest part of me. My friends like who I am by my kind heart to people and my straight forwarded zero game and lies personality but none of these were ever even noticed by my husband in 15 years. Whenever he is angry at me, he uses the most oppposite terms to describe me: bimbo, materialistic , vicious and manipulative and cold. Omg! None of these is even close to who I am. I start to realize he does not know who I am and he does not want to know who I am. He is content to keep me there to look after everything in his life and content to brag about me and eventually I realized he brags about me so he looks great. It has nothing to do with the appreciation of who I am and what I have done for the family. It is all about him: his money, his success. If you stroke his ego by giving him very superficial praises he will do things for you. I have seen people use him by throwing very untrue praises to boost his ego he can be like a child easily be fooled and do things for them. On the other hand, he is so cunning and never seems to trust anybody. I just can never put him together as one person.

    After I moved out he moved in with a philipinono young woman whom he met for just one month and 28 years younger than him, all the neighbors were stunned but he seems calm and happy as if this young woman has been his wife for 20 years and the neighbors are crazy. My son is so upset and refused to see him his daughter from the previous marriage refused to see him. As a father who claims thing is more important than his children I am so surprised that he does not give a damn about this children’s feelings either. His life is full of energy again: taking his young new girlfriend to fancy dinners buying very expensive clothes for her and helping her big poor family of 9 in the Philippines but telling me and his other ex wife has no money to pay for support . None of his friends or his own siblings would believe me if I tell them he did not pay us a penny for a year and freeze all the money we jointly owned maximized the family account credit cards that are under my name. The bank was after me for the money I had no choice to borrow from friends. Same time he created incredible amount of lies vilifying me. Whoever he did or is doing he says I did and I am doing. I was going crazy under this pressure that people suddenly look at me I am the crooked one. Only those close friends of me who truly know who I am are appalled by his conducts and have been loaning us money to support me and my 10 year old son. Everyday I find myself still struggling to understand is he a monster or just human with mental illness? I have been struggling for years and still no answer. One thing I know for sure that the nice guy image he created outside is not what I will get as his wife, what I get is a miserable man who lies , cheats and gives me STD ( yes the last straw was STD he gave me and yet still manage to shift the blame on me ) and blames me for everything, all his suffering is from me and yet he is the one clinging on me terrified that I leave him. He threatens to kill hi,self if I leave I was backed down a few times because of that. This time I pulled the plug just to find out he is happily ever after again in as short as one month with a young cleaning lady he barely knows, btw he is a successful lawyer. Now he acts like his life is perfect and never had a history of 15 years marriage with me.

    Is he a narcissist? Or just BPD ? Or both? I still drift to self blame that what if he is just mentally ill and needs help and treatment?

    • Zari Ballard

      March 4, 2017 at 6:29 pm Reply

      Hi Lulu,

      Well, he is not only a narcissist but a full-blown sociopath as well. Are you in court? He CAN NOT be allowed to get away with the money situation….to pay for his girlfriend but not his family. I would use that in court. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DO THIS. DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY HIS BULLSHIT.

      You did not list one single characteristic about him, his behaviors, or your relationship with him that would cast even an iota of a doubt on what he is. Please re-read your post to see your own words. He is, quite frankly, a monster even worse than your average narcissist. Narcissism, by the way, is NOT a mental illness. To think that is insulting to those that truly have a mental illness. Narcissism is a personality DISORDER that can NEVER be fixed, nor would the narcissist/sociopath care to fix it even if he could. He likes himself just the way that he is and that will never change. The fact is that your husband KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG, HE JUST DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.

      Take him to court, get every penny owed you and then some, make him sell that house and give you your half, FUCK what other people think (who cares!!! Have confidence in what YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE), BE GLAD THAT HE IS NOW THIS STUPID WOMAN’S PROBLEM (because, believe me, it will go downhill and fast when it does)….For the love of God, stop allowing him to intimidate you with lies. HE WILL NOT KILL HIMSELF. DO NOT BACK DOWN. All that clinging and bullshit was obviously a lie – you tested it and found it to be true. Now you are free so get what you have coming (plus more!!!) and go start a new life. Don’t worry about neighbors and friends – again, who cares!!!

      I know it’s hard to let go but your marriage was awful and abusive, sister. He would have done that to you until the day that you die. We only get one life!! Take him for everything he’s got and don’t be afraid. Don’t even speak to him…do everything through a lawyer. He is truly a bastard.

      Stay strong!!!

      Zari xo

  • Notonarcissists

    February 12, 2017 at 7:32 am Reply

    Wow!! I’m glad I’m came across this article. I dated a Narc for 2 years it’s been 5 months since I totally have it up. It was the most difficult and humiliation I ever dealt with. He was cheating with several women throughout the course of the relationship, disappearing, returning, claiming he miss me. I returned for three weeks and nothing ever changed but me. I stop running to his beg and call, I watched his moves and he made the ultimate disappearing again and tried to talk himself out of it. I told him to eff off and I didn’t look back. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not still dealing with the pain because I am, but I’m glad that after this 2 year on and off relationship I finally ended it. Now his next victim in which I’m certain it started before the breakup. Is online posting things he’s buying her and speaking on how perfect he is. My initial reaction was anger but after reading your article and understanding the mindset of an Narc. I’m fine with her praising him until he does the same to her.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 6:47 pm Reply

      Hi Notonarcissists,

      Now that you are free, stay free. Stop looking at his social media and at her social media. It means absolutely nothing – not a word of it. He is never going to change – ever! Eventually, all his girlfriends will find her way to this website and others like it just like everyone else. It’s inevitable. But to deal with the residual pain, you MUST stop looking. Even though we say it doesn’t bother us, it does and that’s perfectly normal. You need to separate from that. It is the only way.

      Zari xo

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