Victims of narcissist abuse always want to know what in the hell the narcissist is really thinking – as if knowing the awful truth will bring actual closure to the pain of a discard. Although I can understand this, I am fairly certain that most of us know all too well exactly what the narcissist is thinking and our quest for truth is actually about us hoping that we’re wrong. Unfortunately, this article – Part 3 of A Sociopath Exposes a Narcissist – isn’t going to help to that end but it will, in fact, give us some cold hard facts.
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Since I believe that a narcissist is a sociopath and a sociopath is a narcissist, the words that follow might as well have come out of the mouth of the N himself (or herself). If you’ve read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series of articles, then you know that the “answers” I provide are taken directly from the blog of a sociopath. Although the words aren’t pretty and, for the most part, do not tell us anything that we don’t already know in our heart of hearts, I decided to use this information (a.k.a. the thoughts of this sociopath) to my blog because I really do feel that seeing is believing and we all need to see this to believe it.
It’s amazing to me that, although I discovered this particular blog many years ago, the words are as cutting and hurtful today as they were to me back then. I guess the truth is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts, right? So, for everyone who searches for answers on the web with search phrases like “When will the narcissist return?”, “Does the narcissist miss me?”, “What is a narcissist thinking during a silent treatment?”, “Why do narcissists use silent treatments?”, “Does the narcissist remember me?” and on and on, the answers below come right from a narcissist’s mouth and should answer all of those questions in one sad fell swoop. [Note: The questions that precede the “answers” were created by me according to my take on the answer itself].
Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Real sociopaths (narcissists), like myself, are happy being a sociopath (narcissist). We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. It’s all we know. So, (if you think) sociopaths really are hurting deep down inside and want to change if given a chance, nonsense! True (narcissists and) sociopaths don’t want to change. Most don’t even believe they have a problem. We love every minute of it. It’s who we are. We feel in total control of our lives using this method. Anything less is unacceptable.
Why doesn’t the narcissist seem to miss me like I miss him when we break up?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath:We don’t need you. You could disappear tomorrow and we could care less. We’re not prone to being controlled in any way, shape or form. We are survivalists. Trust us we would live if the human race disappeared tomorrow. We are far too self serving and self absorbed not to. At the very least? We’d give it a damn good shot! And we don’t need you in some round about way either. You’re mistaking us for someone who gives a shit or has feelings like your own. Trust me we don’t. We simply use you because you’re nearby, you’re convenient or we’re bored and desire something you possess. Otherwise we would go on without you just fine. Because, again, we don’t possess feelings like you do. Getting it now?
How can a narcissist just move on to someone else like it’s no big deal?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath:I think sociopaths do a good job of living in the now. They can focus on the task at hand without being influenced by feelings or events from the past, other lessons learned, and they don’t become so anxious about the future. When they do get anxious it’s more like a response to present situations, just like animals do.
Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?
The answer, from the mouth of a narcissist/sociopath: Not being guided by a ‘moral compass’ means that judgments of good vs. bad and rights vs. wrong are determined using a different mechanism. Psychopaths (narcissists and sociopaths) know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. While such a simplistic method of decision-making leaves plenty of room for error, it also explains why they are sometimes unaware of the trouble they cause or outright do not care. If they choose to do what social norms and laws determine to be “good” and someone is unintentionally hurt in the process who assumes the burden of guilt? Their intention was good, indicating morality in that they chose to follow socially acceptable rules, but the behavior violated another person’s moral code and no remorse is being expressed on cue. It is in this space that the mask of sanity begins to slip and people are often shockingly aware that this person possesses very little real emotion. The psychopath/narcissist, however, feels no guilt or empathy by default and can’t understand why the other person is so upset. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’ Why should a psychopath fake emotion just to appease the other person? His behavior is within the framework of the laws but his emotion is not fueling the behavior. They do not see a need for emotion to be involved so pervasively in life and regular people cannot fathom how it is possible to function without emotional connections to other people. Psychopaths seem to intellectually understand that losing a close friend brings about pain which leads to crying as a way to release overwhelming emotion in normal people. But to cry because your feelings were hurt is a foreign concept. Therefore, the psychopath sees no logical reason for either party to display emotion in this situation; rather, his good intentions and avoidance of malice are enough to justify his action. Just because it did not go according to plan does not make him responsible for the other person’s feelings. Furthermore, the slighted person doesn’t deserve an apology because it is they who are handicapped by irrational emotions.
So, if you’ve been wondering how a narcissist really feels and hoping that a truthful answer might warrant some sympathy on your part, this article series should put an end to that once and for all, wouldn’t you say?
Notonarcissists
February 12, 2017 at 7:32 amWow!! I’m glad I’m came across this article. I dated a Narc for 2 years it’s been 5 months since I totally have it up. It was the most difficult and humiliation I ever dealt with. He was cheating with several women throughout the course of the relationship, disappearing, returning, claiming he miss me. I returned for three weeks and nothing ever changed but me. I stop running to his beg and call, I watched his moves and he made the ultimate disappearing again and tried to talk himself out of it. I told him to eff off and I didn’t look back. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not still dealing with the pain because I am, but I’m glad that after this 2 year on and off relationship I finally ended it. Now his next victim in which I’m certain it started before the breakup. Is online posting things he’s buying her and speaking on how perfect he is. My initial reaction was anger but after reading your article and understanding the mindset of an Narc. I’m fine with her praising him until he does the same to her.
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2017 at 6:47 pmHi Notonarcissists,
Now that you are free, stay free. Stop looking at his social media and at her social media. It means absolutely nothing – not a word of it. He is never going to change – ever! Eventually, all his girlfriends will find her way to this website and others like it just like everyone else. It’s inevitable. But to deal with the residual pain, you MUST stop looking. Even though we say it doesn’t bother us, it does and that’s perfectly normal. You need to separate from that. It is the only way.
Zari xo
Josh
January 28, 2017 at 8:53 pmI feel played from the start. Met a lovely girl online, a dr. No less. Hit it off. In a few months span she has a mis carriage, it turns into ovarian cancer, disappeared for 4 months to be cleared and cured, comes back broke scared and afraid. The mask comes off and it’s jekal and Hyde. Breaks up with me on Christmas Day and again in Mexico on New Years. No heart. No soul. No conscience. If I meant anything at all to her it would have been in person or over the phone and air out our grievances with each other like adults. But no. Used and played from the very start to get through her cancer. Once healthy and clear and back to work, done with a sympathetic kind man. The worst kind of ppl in this world. I’ve initiated no contact by deleting an email account blocking on fb and deleting and blocking phone number. My family and friends all say the same thing about her. Just used and played for her own gain. Currently in the recovery process but with so many emotions nobody understands. My head is still spinning how it al happened and changed so fast. It’s who she always was. I just didn’t want to see it. Onward and upward from here with no contact. Hopefully she gets the picture.
Zari Ballard
January 29, 2017 at 4:36 pmHi Josh,
Hopefully, she will leave you alone and you can move on. It sounds as if it was the typical nightmare. To be honest, I doubt very much that she had cancer….in fact, I’d be willing to bet money that she didn’t. Almost every female narc that I’ve heard about or known about has claimed to have cancer. It’s usually a reason to disappear to be with someone else, my friend, and then they return with this big recovery story. Her being scared and broke upon return was to distract you from the fact that she had even been gone at all lest you start to ask questions. I willing to bet that she never had a miscarriage either…the whole thing sounds like a typical female narcissist over-the-top tale told to keep her worlds from colliding. The fact that she is a doctor, I imagine, would make these stories appear to be very true so it is normal for you to believe them. I mean, why on earth would a doctor lie about that? Because she’s a narcissist, that’s why.
Do not spin for too long, brother. Please, if you can, read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face because it is all about the female narc and what she does and how she thinks. Also, I do provide phone consultations and I find that the guys really need that. It’s so helpful to speak with someone who “gets it” and I can keep you on track, lesson the spinning. Unless someone has experienced this madness for themselves first-hand, they simply can’t understand the level of the betrayal. It’s all about changing your perspective and I can help with that.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
kat
January 8, 2017 at 8:26 pmMy story is not dissimilar to any other person who has been involved with a narcissist. I too have gone though debilitating emotions, an overwhelming feeling of betrayal and loss, a haunting sense of grief, and a hurt that cuts through the very core of my being, to the very core of my soul. And I’ve read many articles about narcissistic relationships. Articles which noted that what I felt was not really love, articles that called it “entanglement”, articles that classified me as a victim, articles that called narcissists “manipulative monsters”.
While I am certainly not an expert, I have come to my own conclusion. I am not a victim and he is not a monster. I know that I did feel love, real love, a love that I will always treasure. While it took some time, I have found that the most difficult part of my relationship was not the crushing and crippling pain I experienced. The most difficult part is, understanding that the likelihood of him ever being able to overcome his mental illness is slim. My pain will pass but his will more than likely haunt him throughout his life. How very sad.
Zari Ballard
January 10, 2017 at 5:32 pmHi Kat,
Narcissism is NOT a mental illness, sister, so do not be confused by this. Narcissism is a disorder and this is very different. People who have mental illnesses would give ANYTHING to not have it and are willing to get help. Narcissists like themselves just the way that they are and wouldn’t change even if they could. And they KNOW right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit. He isn’t in any pain, I’m sorry to say, and he doesn’t deserve all you sympathy. He will just continue on doing what he always does.
I don’t know where you read that your love wasn’t real but it surely wasn’t on this website. Your love was absolutely real but the truth is that he didn’t feel anything even close to that. We all feel pain about OUR love because we wanted so much to make a difference in this person’s life. This is the hardest part to get over. You don’t have to feel like a victim at all although the truth is that you were HIS target and he made you his victim in his own mind. It was all very intentional and do not be fooled into thinking otherwise.
I wish for you the best!
Zari:)
Michaela
November 22, 2016 at 8:51 amHello Zari,
I just realized my boyfriend/potential ex is a narcissist. He’s not speaking to me for almost a month now, I tried to contact him several times. I read that contacting him might make him even angry and might cause him to break it off officially, or should I stick to the no contact rule?
It is really hard I feel like I need a last conversation (he agreed to one before, just telling me he can;t say yes or no to the relationship right now because of several things I did and I apologized in tears not assuming, that it’s a tactic as my since were absolutely normal behavior) but I really would like to speak to him to end it in a clean way and find out his motives for treating me that way.
Thank you!
Zari Ballard
November 25, 2016 at 1:18 amHi Michaela,
Unfortunately, there never is a clean ending with a narc simply because he will never tell you the truth. It may appear that he is being truthful or sincere but inevitably we find out that this is not the case. The best thing – although it’s not the easiest or what would immediately ease you of your anxiety – is to stay NO CONTACT. In fact, BLOCK him so that he just can’t pop in and out whenever he feels like it.
The only “motive” a narcissist has for doing what he does is to see if he can get away with it. That’s it. If you take him back, he got away with it. If he can tell you a lie and you believe him, he got away with it. Even if he knows you don’t believe him or are suspicious of his story, the fact that you give him a benefit of the doubt is a win for him. This can go on for years and years….
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Marilyn
September 28, 2016 at 4:36 amZari am I such a worthless person that I fell in love with a narcissist? What can have happened to these men to turn them into such monsters? All I ever did was to love him and all I got back was sarcasm, put downs, and crying myself to sleep each night. The silent treatment was the most unbearable torture.
When he gets in touch I inevitably go back. Not this time though I have got to stay strong for my own peace of mind. I haven’t got the appetite he has for playing silly games with my feelings. He will never change I know that now he is mentally ill. I sometimes think I can feel his pain then I remember all the horrible things he done and feel sad for him because he will live with this burden till his dying day. Still missing him but trying hard to stay strong. God bless everyone dealing with the same rubbish as myself there has to be an ending.xxxxx
Zari Ballard
September 30, 2016 at 7:02 pmHi Marilyn,
I don’t consider myself a worthless person because I fell in love with a narcissist and either should you. No one should feel worthless because of it. “Worthless” is a strong and very negative word. I don’t understand how ANYBODY could feel worthless when the culprit is a complete asshole. It’s the complete asshole who is worthless!
And, no, he is NOT mentally ill. Narcissism is not a mental ILLNESS, it is a personality DISORDER. There is a huge difference. Ask any person who truly has a mental illness and they will tell you that they would give anything to NOT be that way. In addition, for the most part, there are medications and treatments available that help to manage a mental illness. Narcissists can’t be managed and they actually like themselves just the way they are. They know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit.
Go no contact and mean it. There is no more time to waste.
Zari xo
Raven
September 16, 2016 at 2:20 pmA narcissist is not even close to the same as a sociopath – sociopaths usually would hate or highly dislike all narcissists, for one thing – and also, if it is a covert narcissist, then it is possible to be cured.
Zari Ballard
September 16, 2016 at 4:18 pmHi Raven,
First of all, who said that sociopaths LIKE narcissists? In fact, my article says the exact opposite – did you read it? Secondly, narcissism – and ESPECIALLY covert narcissism which is the most pathological of them all – can never be fixed, not with love, not with therapy, and not with any pill under the sun. Whoever tells you differently is either lying or delusional.
Zari:)
staygold
August 11, 2016 at 1:22 amthank you for this blog, its very helpful!
i had a 3 years distant affair with what i now think is a sociopath, as so many “victims” say it is indeed amazing how identical their agendas are, particularly when it comes to love matters.
it is almost 4 months ago i finally found the strength to cut him off after he, once again, disrespected my feelings and related requirements so harshly that i could not take it anymore. funny enough (as this was before i started reading about personality disorders) in my last text i told him that there is no room in my life for someone like him: a shit talking parasite and as such a huge embarassment to everybody connected to him officially (daughters most of all).
i knew from the very beginning that something was wrong. he once asked me why it was as easy for me to read him like an open book and that he gets frustrated that his manipulation tactics do not work well with me (eg triangulation: i was aware of the non-exclusivity of my status, accepted it and sometimes even made a fool out of him regarding it). despite that and the fact that i never considered to get into a real relationship with him (which he knew) he was very keen, or maybe even more keen to add a highly emotional dimension to our relation: telling me that he loves me and cannot live without me, wanting to introduce me to his adult daughter and last but not least he wanted to get me pregnant (he is 60 by now and has 2 daughters with different mothers, one 35 and the other about 7 or 8). he did also kind of “warn” me several times by saying that he is quite cold, having difficulties to display emotions, for example when talking about his mother’s decease.
as mentioned there were indications that not just something, but a lot was wrong with our relation from the beginning and i did ask him many times why he feels the need to play childish psycho games (eg trying to trigger jealousy instead of keeping me uninformed) constantly. he would consistently say that he thinks he does that to protect himself, that he does not like himself a lot etc, which kind of shuts down a empathic person, right? i just wonder if that was pure manipulation too… most probably it is a mix, some aspects are true (at least in that very moment) and others are added just to influence the result of the discussion.
although it was an affair only and i do consider myself an empathic, but emotionally strong woman it did and still does affect me much more i could ever have imagined. one of the reasons i believe is the self-deception: why did i let such a monster get so close? why did my intuition did not prevent me?
i wish you all a lot of strength, good luck & POSITIVE energy and keep in mind that love rules forever (real love that is in balance somehow, of course)!