A narcissist is not “fixable” because he or she is hardwired completely differently from the regular folks. Narcissists, no matter what we say, no matter how logical we make our argument, no matter what evidence that we present, will never cop to the fact that they need to be fixed. The narcissistic brain just doesn’t work that way. In other words, if you and I stood up in front of a room full of narcissists and kindly stated, “Look, we understand that y’all are broken people…and we want to help you to fix that because we love you”, they would laugh us out of the room! This just is what it is.
My ex-narc, the one I talk about in my books, once looked at me with “sorrow-filled” eyes and asked, “Can’t you fix me?” AFTER I had caught him red-handed in a lie and announced that I was “on to him” and that I knew what he was…a full-on narcissist. I may have even called him a sociopath since, at that time, years back, there wasn’t a whole lot of information available about this personality type and the terms narcissist and sociopath were used interchangeably. Either way, I believe that, in that moment, he was hearing narcissism called out in its true meaning for the first time and, as I would soon learn, he found this explanation for his horrid behavior oddly fascinating. More on that later.
A Narcissist is Not the Stuff of Myths
Truth be told, anyone reading this post looking for information on a narcissistic partner, has called out a narcissist for being what and who they are and if it were possible to “fix” or “cure” this disorder, none of us would be here. Narcissism is real and it’s obviously not the benign term for a “conceited, self-absorbed” person that we all grew up thinking it was. It’s not about some mythical character named Narcissus obsessing over his reflection in a pool of water. Oh if it were only that simple!
Narcissists do not want to be fixed because they actually like themselves the way that they are. This is the difference in the hard wire between a narcissist and us normal folk. Now, does a narcissist know right from wrong? Of course they do…but they just don’t care. All a narcissist knows is that when choosing what to do in any given situation, doing the wrong thing feels better and so they run with it. If the narcissist’s action causes harm and suffering to another, well so be it. It is what it is. The recipient of the abuse just needs to get over it or shut up.
You can’t fix someone with a narcissistic personality for the simple reason that they do not – and are INCAPABLE of – understanding that they’re broken. When WE understand this and believe this to be true (which it is), we will know immediately what we need to do. We also know immediately that the horrors in the relationship ARE NOT OUR FAULT and that the narcissist has actually been setting us up to fail the entire time. As a Narcissist Abuse Recovery (NAR) Coach, I help people to “get this” and when it finally sinks in, it’s like fireworks going off.
Now, back to my ex’s fascination with his own personality disorder, once I called it out. Like most narcissists who get called out for the first time, it becomes the best excuse in the world to do what they do and the fact that you stay, thinking you can actually “fix it” or ignoring that you can’t, makes it all the more fun.
Narcissists & Strange Fascinations
In the weeks following my official announcement and his phony plea for me to “fix him”, my ex went on an educational whirlwind. Like all of us, I had become a super sleuth and hacking in to my ex’s internet search history, despite all his efforts to delete his tracks, was my specialty. What I discovered was a plethora of searches related to narcissism and narcissistic behavior not exactly executed as I would have liked. He wasn’t searching how to better his behavior, how to stop hurting his partner, or anything of the sort. Clearly, just by the tone of his searches, he was FASCINATED BY THE FACT THAT HE WASN’T FIXABLE! Once he figured this out, he could simply disappear and reappear and do whatever it was that he did with an even clearer conscience than he did before.
In the few years that followed before the end, with no behavior on my part left to blame, he’d sometimes come back after a disappearance or silent treatment, again with “sorrow-filled” eyes, and say, “But I’m just a narcissist…” to which I would have to remind him that admitting to this particular quality didn’t count towards forgiveness under any circumstances. Moreover, throughout those last years, having become extremely fond of his new word, my ex often called ME a narcissist during fights and also around town to the rare few who would reluctantly listen. This is a common tactic used by narcissists to confuse the beleaguered partner who then begins to ask himself or herself, “Am I the narcissist?” Of course we’re not…but that’s a topic for another article.
So, the answer is no, narcissism cannot be fixed or cured or certainly just ONE person would have looped back around here or on Quora to let us know it’s possible and to share the happily ever after. And, as the owner of this website which has over 5500 comments under my articles sharing stories about narcissists and narcissism in relationships, I can honestly say that I have not had the shocked pleasure of knowing that it happened. And I wouldn’t be so quick to believe it, even if I did.
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