The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.
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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.
The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.
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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.
My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.
Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.
I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.
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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.
YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.
angel
March 10, 2018 at 1:21 pmZari, wow this article was a lot to take in and familiar in my relationship. Felt many of those things you mentioned in your article. He discarded me in a very angry manner last weekend, I know it you says they all come back I don’t believe he will. I will start to feel this is a good thing for me in time. I am sure when I can manage all the feelings of loss and believe he really didn’t love me. I appreciate all the articles you posted they are providing me good insight as to what I was dealing with.
I just received your book I am hoping it will provide me some direction how to handle this permanent breakup and find my future with someone that appreciates and respects me.
Zari Ballard
March 25, 2018 at 1:29 pmHi Angel, I hope you enjoy the book and find comfort in my words. Our lives become all but interchangeable. If you need to talk about it, consider booking some time. You don’t have to suffer with the decision to end it…you just have to stay the course. Life is way too short for this nightmare to continue when we have the power to stop it.
Zari xo
Ali
February 21, 2018 at 4:54 pmMy 33 year marriage was blown to bits. My husband had an affair 10 years ago. He told me he wanted a divorce and he was leaving me and sons. Taking everything because I was the one who ruined our marriage. He was a pastor and loved the attention and not having to answer to anyone but God. When it came out that he was sexting, graphically, a woman he knew it would wreck his hard won reputation, so he came back to me saying we could work it out. No explanation, no questions answered. I was to submit. He was to be the head of the household. He always had to look perfect. Sex became his way of showing he cared. Not love. Silent cold sex. Fast forward to Summer 2017. He is now a detective with the sheriff’s office. He starts working more, sleeping with phone by bed, texts often, changes password, gets expensive watch he won’t tell me who from, and is verbally and emotionally abusive. Tells me these crazy lies. Like when I find Viagra package empty in his closet he tells me he took it in case I was in the mood! All in one month! When I would call him at work he accused me of not trusting him. That I had the problem. I was manipulative because I wanted to know where he was if he was 3 hrs late. Or why I was upset he bought a motorcycle instead of health insurance for me. Finally Christmas night he left to work out. I went by gym. He wasn’t there. 2 hrs later he shows up drunk. Told me that he hasn’t been in love with me for a long time. Now he has moved out. Blantly see his girlfriend, who is younger alpha female. Plays head games. Tells me he wants divorce but won’t tell me what details. I feel like he’s just playing this power game. I am so shattered. I was always giving in, always faithful.
patrizia
December 27, 2017 at 3:03 pmWow, Wow, Wow.. this is the best description of a narcissistic attitude. Nonetheless, mine was a true charmer. I would always say- “this is to true to be real !!” — been there, but it did not destroy me.
Zari, I love your words in the article, so on point – this is a wary – “it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life.”
— thank you
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2017 at 5:57 pmYour welcome…I’m grateful for your visit and that you are NOT destroyed:) Have a wonderful narc-free 2018….xoxo
Allie
February 9, 2018 at 8:22 pmYou speak the truth ma’am. I’ve spent my entire adult life with a man I am only now realizing is a narcissist. 14 years, 3 miscarriages, an almost innumerable amount of loved ones lost, but also 3 healthy children and many more born of the loved ones in our lives. So many things that should have strengthened our bond, a connection that should be singularly ours. But no, apparently that’s starry-eyed naivety, overly emotional BS. My twin died. Rather than be my husband he left me, said i lost my mind, became unstable. I did, I became bed ridden and consumed with emptiness. And he left. Less than a week later I found he had gone to an ex, he had been sharing photos of our children with her, their achievements, my shortcomings. All those years. They wished she was their mother. A woman who had never even met my children, as far as I knew. I’m fairly sure now that she has though. Why not? There is no loyalty, not even in our bond as parents. Not even that was sacred between us. I confronted him. I was met with denial, ridicule, blamed for his betrayel, told he did nothing wrong. My depression deepened, I was having thoughts of suicide. The more his true self came through though, the stronger I became. I didn’t need him. I was better without. As soon as he became aware of my resolve he moved back in. And slowly the chopping away began again. It hurt him so badly that I forced him out of his home, away from his children, tears at how I didn’t look at him the same, he felt unloved….i must be cheating, how could i, name calling, accusations of abuse while abusing me. It will never be any different with him. He’s very much so a narcissist and I’m quietly getting my affairs in order and counting the days until I’m able to leave the sorry motherfucker behind. For good. This article is one more piece of steel in my backbone, lends a bit more strength to my resolve. Thank you, truly.
Bruce Pedersen
December 1, 2017 at 9:16 amZari, Thank you for this article. I made the mistake of marrying an extreme narcissist who also had Paranoid Personality Disorder and Delusional Disorder. Quite the toxic cocktail. There were many signs that I rationalized, wrote-off or simply tolerated. Narcissists are masters at charm and seduction. I filed for divorce after a whole year of marriage. I’m happy it came-out so quickly and it wasn’t after 10 years. Everyone needs to know about NPD and look for the signs and if you see them……run your ass off and don’t look back. This scarred me quite a bit and I’ll have a hard time trusting again. I just served her purpose until even that wasn;t enough. She has destroyed so many lives.
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2017 at 4:28 pmGood for you for getting out quickly!!!…xoxo
Bruce pedersen
December 4, 2017 at 2:07 amThank you so much for this on-line support group. It really does help. N’s seem to be in plentiful supply. I too I’m glad to have gotten out early but the narcissist can really get their hooks into you, manipulate and play the victim. Do N’s become this way because of a past trauma?
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2017 at 6:33 pmHi Bruce,
From my own experience with a narc and from the many, many stories that come through this website and via my phone calls, it appears that most of not all narcs had some kind of abuse when younger and by abuse, I mean more along the lines of NEGLECT. My thinking is that when children aged 3 – 9, say, are neglected by one or both parents (the mom, mainly, who is usually a narc herself), they just don’t innately learn the tools for loving and caring for others. This part of their soul just never develops. It’s either that or the narcissistic gene is hereditary and would have worked it’s way to the forefront anyway. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that the narcs that we deal with are ADULTS and they have seen enough of the world to know what is right, wrong, frowned upon, etc. They just don’t care. This fact alone makes any relationship involving this type of person completely non-sustainable no matter how hard we try.
Zari:)
Rizwana
November 17, 2017 at 10:28 amHi Zari, I have just read the briefing of your ‘When Love Is a Lie’ book and I felt it all applied to me and my current situation. I have just come out of well when I say come out I mean I’m still very much being emotionally, mentally challenged by my ex. We were in a 16year relationship, we have two children together aged 11 and 8. He was my first love I met him when I was 16 I am now 32 and may be for the most of our relationship he continually cheated on me with different women. We split this May but during this time we were still doing family and couple things together i,e going out for meals, cinema and the family things, we also continued to sleep with one another and I will say our sex life was great well I thought he was great, I on the other hand I become very frigid over time from all the cheating he did, I lacked self confidence and felt very unattractive and always thought this was why he continued messing around with other women. I recently found out in October that he is living a seeing a 24 girl from his work place, so all this time he has been sleeping with her, living with her whilst pursuing me. He plays us both of each other. It’s like he doesn’t want me but he wants no one else to have me whilst he tells me he loves this other girl. She now is so infatuated with him she believes everything he says and she has to constantly remind me that he loves her, doesn’t want to leave her, she’s the best thing that has ever happened to him and my actions are because I can’t deal with the fact that he has moved on with someone else. She is also not fazed by his actions for example she doesn’t care if he has slept with me and her a day apart because her answer is that he loves her and I’m a slag and I can’t get over him and I need to let it go. I would be lying if I said this was not true of cause I love him we have a family together, but I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him.
This is just a brief of my story but I would love to get some guidance from you as I do feel very alone and no one really quite understands how bad this situation has become. I just want to be the best for my children that’s all and for him to drop me out of this weird love triangle as I feel it’s slowly killing me.
I look forward to hearing from you
DALENE
November 15, 2017 at 12:24 pmMy boyfriend for the last five years is a narcissist. Finally, I figured this out. Now i am trying to get away from him by ignoring all his hurtful games. However, he is pushing himself to be in my life. He will not stop at any costs. Showing up at my house and will not leave. Threatening to take from me, “like I’ve done him”. Whether its taking material things from me or mentally abusing me. I’m not able to have any life at all. I’m in constant fear of him. Other than turning to the authorities how can I stop living in fear?
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2017 at 4:44 pmHi Dalene,
You don’t have any choice but to call the authorities. There is no other option if, as you say, you “have no life at all”. Why should he be allowed to get away with that? He is threatening you. How does he take material things from you…by force? Has he physically abused you? The reason that I ask is because I am trying to figure out where the fear comes from. If you don’t answer the door, he has to go away some time and the truth is that eventually they will find something else to do. The time between door knocking assaults gets longer and longer. If you can’t wait that long and he is seriously making you fear for your life, tell him you will call the cops if he doesn’t leave OR just go down to the courthouse and have him served with a restraining order without saying a thing. Let me know how it goes…
Zari x0
Anton
June 4, 2017 at 6:07 amWhy is it him him him, the whole time. What about the woman cheating
Zari Ballard
June 4, 2017 at 1:04 pmHi Anton,
On my blog it’s because I speak from my own experience. However, I do recognize the plight of the male victim of the female narcissist and I even wrote a book about it called When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is available on Amazon. And I did write an article for this site apologizing to the guys for the him, him, him thing. Read it here. I do have your back!
Zari:)
Tiffany Collins
September 2, 2017 at 7:30 pmLol. Is this Anton Collins?
Zari Ballard
September 3, 2017 at 2:36 pmNo, but he could actually go by any number of names, right? They are all but interchangeable!
Kyle White
October 18, 2017 at 9:33 amYeah it’s not only men ,,,she she she she does
to
Zari Ballard
November 13, 2017 at 12:07 amHi Kyle…please read this article….