The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.
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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.
The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.
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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.
My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.
Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.
I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.
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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.
YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.
Keri
February 11, 2019 at 5:56 pmI just found out my 23 year relationship has been cheating with prostitues for 2 plus years and had at least 6 women he was sleeping with the first 5 years of the relationship with me. He has no guilt. Swore to me when we met and after that he had been alone for a couple years.. I’m so gullible. He excused it saying well it’s hard to end it with other women. BUT your the only one I love… wow. I felt so alone. I’m glad and sad there are so many of us out there. I found out about all this cheating because he brought home a Std. He’s verbally and mentally abusive. Even blaming me for his affairs and excusing himself. Ever the Victim. We had a great sex like. Yup. Didn’t help. I despise him. And still feel great loss. O yes he actually suggested I contact the affair of 30 years who knew about me but is now married, as he said she could explain it better. Like poor him he had to run to her because he wasn’t getting his way at home. Ever the victim. . Keri
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2019 at 1:18 pmHi Keri, please tell me that you are ending this 23-year affair. He obviously is a “collector” of women and there isn’t a single reason to stay one more day. If you do, he will have gotten away with everything. With a narc, it’s all about what they can get away with. Do not allow any more disrespect. Kick him to the curb and save the rest of your life because he has no problem wasting it away. What we allow ill continue……xo
Kristi Wright
October 7, 2018 at 4:52 am18 years in total!! We broke up five years ago but I was never able to go no contact. Got back together with him two months ago thinking he’d changed. hahahahaha I was even contacted by his “current” girlfriend to meet and talk…showed up to the meeting place and there was a third woman there…he had been seeing the two of them for two years. IN SPITE of this, I believed his lies and got back with him. Then, I LOOKED AT HIS PHONE!!!! Yet, here I am…an emotional wreck!! I should be happy to be rid of such a pig. Ughhhhhh
Emily
July 23, 2018 at 7:34 amWow, everything written in this is so true it actually is quite emotional to read.
My previous relationship was exactly like this, it all happened so quickly… its very unlike me to ever fall for anyone or even get in a relationship so when people saw me with someone and see us together it was quite a shock.
The first 6 months of our relationship couldn’t have been any more perfect and I’d be lying if I said they wasn’t the best 6 months of my life, I moved in with him, we decorated the place exactly how we wanted it as a couple… and a few months down the line I fell pregnant…. however I developed sepsis whilst pregnant and lost the baby 7 weeks into the pregnancy and our relationship spiralled out of control from there.
I found out he had been in contact with his ex partner and was sleeping with her, and also another girl… there were 3 of us! Me being me and wanting to believe he would change for me got back with him, we booked a holiday together and decided that we would try for a baby and actually plan this time and it felt right. Thankfully, we fell out (once again) the holiday got cancelled, he took one of the boys and I also found out he was still seeing another one of the girls from before!
That was the final straw for me, I let my guard down massively and he absolutely broke me into pieces which everyone thought was impossible…. (myself included) the hardest part is he still has this weird way of contacting me even though he’s not allowed to have my number, or have me on any social media as he is now with one of the girls he was sleeping with whilst with me!.. Yet he still manages to be at the same places at the same time as me, and joined the same gym as me after 14 years of being at his old gym as he is very close with them personally. Very Strange!
This article was a breath of fresh air – thankyou.
Susan
July 10, 2018 at 10:51 ambecause I was with a Narc in the past who was a somantic, I was shocked when I caught him cheating after all the great sex we had and I was stunned. as I healed and learned about the disorder I did accept it and felt relief knowing I didn’t have the burden of dealing with all the other drama and we can just shag together. That went away quickly because emotionally the connection is far greater than the actual act. I got myself involved with another one – this one a cerebral who didn’t like sex much – but still I knew he was cheating and called him out on it once and then the second time, he shut me down and found another and moved her in his home yet tried to hit on me again. Thankfully there’s social media and they BOTH got blasted by me and shut down for their antics and I stepped away. It’s difficult but there’s no better high than knowing you are all that enough to attract these people back for their drug and you have the power to take it away from them. I know first hand that removing “your drug” they fall apart quickly, age rapidly and melt before your eyes. It’s sad to see it when you care this much for them, but it has to be this way. My second one changed so much in 2 years and still in and out of my life to get the goods from me to survive. When he was the most vulnerable I took him out and his new supply as well and now letting then two go at each other and I’ll just watch from a distance. I know he’ll try again, but this is where I need to be in a happier place smiling at him and waving.
Taesen
June 13, 2018 at 6:02 amAfter 16 years and 2 children, my husband got caught cheating. He had a girlfriend 15 years younger than him that he’d had for 2 years! He admitted to 4 other affairs. After reading many books to understand how my life got turned upside down I discovered he is a narcissist. He suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder as an infant. Due to his neglect in the first 18 months and never bonding to his primary caregivers, he can never securely attach to anyone. He will always have a void and spend the rest of his life seeking the comfort of women trying desperately to fill his mommy void that is blue printed on his soul. It’s a very sad situation. We are left devastated. He’s completely unaware.
Scott
May 28, 2018 at 9:42 amJust went through 3 years of this with my ex girlfriend.
Although I never caught her outright there were hints and lingering people on the perimeter. She would always accuse me of cheating on her but now I know is was total mirroring. I never gave her a reason to think anything remotely close to wanting to be with someone else ever. Oh and the needling to promote a reaction and see if she could get me to blow up was just incredible, like a child tugging on you shirt all day and then tell me I’ve got anger issues….on and on and on….just so much bullshit…..the waiting on her hand and foot unless I wanted the silent treatment, holy shit !! Withholding sex oh my god, and still I wouldn’t cheat. It was so ridiculous, and now she’s ghosting me for 3 weeks on even after I tried reaching out after our last fight so now I’m ghosting her.
This is just fucking insane, totally nuts.
Amy
March 23, 2018 at 12:46 amI just want to say Thank You! I thought noone else knew what was going on. Thank you so much I’m freaking out rite now! It’s like I wrote everything u said. I want out but it’s like I’m trapped n my own home? Krazy…
Zari Ballard
March 25, 2018 at 1:33 pmHi Amy,
Your welcome and now you have to find a way out. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. We create our own prisons and you have to come up with a strategy that works for you. I know you can do it….
Zari xo