Cheating Narcissists & Why Great Sex with You Changes Nothing

narcissist-cheater-sexThe narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.

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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.

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The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.

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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.

My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.

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Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.

I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact,  and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.

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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.

YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.

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138 Comments

  • Monique Mathieu

    May 9, 2017 at 4:56 am Reply

    I had a five year relationship with a Narcissist
    I dumped him 2 years and half ago after a second bout of silent treatments
    I have had 10 months counselling but i still not ok in my mind
    I know or guess he has now found another victim
    I still miss him and went through hell alone
    I am sixty four now , he was 48 at the time and was everything I wanted in a man funny sexy off beat and irresistible
    I thought I had met my soul mate and
    He swore he wanted to stay with me for the rest of his life. I am an Empath!!
    I feel now old invisible and cannot conceive another yet again abusive relationship
    My family has no idea what i went through so i feel isolated so desperate sometimes seeing how much damage he caused in my life
    He tried to take everything he could from me the loving …money…my bank account…my savings….my time…my sleep…he was a vampire
    I have liberated myself from his clutches but will never be the same
    Is there any hope??

    • Zari Ballard

      May 18, 2017 at 2:43 pm Reply

      Hi Monique,

      Is it possible for you to book some time to talk to me? I feel that I can help you through this…do not waste one more second of your life on this guy. You are NOT old and you are NOT invisible! You CAN get back to your former self and find joy again. The key is in changing our perspective and talking with someone about it who gets it and who has been there, rocked that (that’s me!). You don’t have to feel so isolated.

      If you are interested in talking to me, click here to get more information. I will send you all of my books and even the audio book of my first book that just came out. I am so sorry that it took me so long to replay. I know you can do this, sister! We are all in it together, I promise you:)

      Zari x0

    • Zari Ballard

      May 18, 2017 at 3:14 pm Reply

      Hi Monique,

      Is it possible for you to book some time to talk to me? I feel that I can help you through this…do not waste one more second of your life on this guy. You are NOT old and you are NOT invisible! You CAN get back to your former self and find joy again. The key is in changing our perspective and talking with someone about it who gets it and who has been there, rocked that (that’s me!). You don’t have to feel so isolated.

      If you are interested in talking to me, click here to get more information. I will send you all of my books and even the audio book of my first book that just came out. I am so sorry that it took me so long to replay. I know you can do this, sister! We are all in it together, I promise you:)

      Sometimes “regular” counseling can make us feel work after involvement with a narcissist and I feel that this is because this type of therapy is all about fixing ourselves after the break-up. Excuse me but there is nothing wrong with you…THIS is why you don’t feel better. Let’s focus on HIS bad behavior and DNA and get the recovery ball going…

      Zari xo

  • Kellie Louise

    January 28, 2017 at 6:55 pm Reply

    Hi,
    Still haven’t received my PDF bundle,it’s been nearly 24hrs

    • Zari Ballard

      January 28, 2017 at 7:23 pm Reply

      So sorry, Kellie! I just sent all three of my books via my gmail account. I’m running behind today, that’s all:)….Zari:)

    • Joanna

      March 3, 2017 at 11:03 pm Reply

      Everything zari says is spot on. I will cosign I was definitely supply for sex. It was amazing until I found out I was not the only one. They have sex supply in there back pocket per diem. When you catch them if your lucky it will be randomn texts you might see he cheated all these other girls think they are girlfriends too so they will pop out the woodwork some recorded my narc sleeping in there bed to prove it to me or even video tape the sexual intercourse for me to see with my own eyes boy what a painful thing to have to experience but somehow they will be able to get into your mind and brain f*** you until the point you will do anything for just a crumb and a couple lousy minutes in bed with them just because you want to believe you are the only one and keep them from leaving. I have gone to the extent of hiring and or asking my friends if they would sleep with my narcissist just because I thought if I allowed him to do it in front of my face he would not go out and cheat on me that was just opening the gates to hell as that made him so much worse increased his ego and ultimately shattered my self-esteem and confidence. I can testify my narcissist said my nipples were too small and my breasts were too saggy at this time I was financially doing good and spent 16 Grand on a boob job thinking he would not cheat on me if I looked like a blonde Barbie doll he also said he cheated on me at times because I could not give a good b******* like other supplies I would go and meet the supplies and I would be astounded some were 400 lbs, others 90 pounds some looked underage others were 40. When asking him crying why he cheated he follows his dad’s age old saying Hit anything moving. Don’t be a me and go bankrupt on your looks only to end up Barbie on suicide watch. I broke no contact today after leaving his sorry ass 7 months ago not only did he tell me he was in love, I missed the boat, we were soul mates but I left him so he is with a Cambodian girl now and he is too old for the cheating as she is too nice. Wtf was I not nice I put out on demand, catered to three somes watching him have a ball but guess how the convo ended. Joanna can you keep a secret? Sure, what is it. Come over now and I will take care of you sexually. This only proves when I was top supply he was still out getting it and now because I had some dignity and left I can come back as the other woman now and take his crumbs. If he loved her why would he fuck me. Narcs rarely visit doctors they are above stds they think if there supply got tested they are good. They are walking stds please run, hide, ignore don’t be a pretty Barbie on suicide watch. If only I can practice what I preach. Continue reading these blogs, never give up this game will be played until there dying day. Your body is your temple.

    • Wet Blister

      April 7, 2017 at 9:19 am Reply

      What’s with the “HE” stuff? Most cheating narcissists I’ve come across are women. I just got out of a long term relationship with one. In my social circle, the majority of narcissists are women. The selfies, the desperation for attention, the cheating, etc. Yup…mostly ladies.

      • Zari Ballard

        April 7, 2017 at 8:14 pm Reply

        Hi Wet Blister,

        First of all, narcissists don’t, as a rule, hang out in groups or social circles with other narcissists. The visual is funny but it just doesn’t happen. When we discover a narcissist, it’s usually one at a time – which is plenty! Something about this person catches our eye…something makes them stand out from the rest in the crowd. This is how they con us from the get-go. Otherwise, they’d just be an average Joe or Jolene! Second, while all narcissists are cheaters (male or female), not all cheaters are narcissists. Some people are simply players at certain stages of their lives…it happens and it’s changeable. This – as well as the compulsion to take selfies – does not a narcissist make:)

        As for the “he”, the content of this blog is based on my books and the experience of my relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend. I explain this specifically in this article and also in my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is all about the female narc.

        I agree completely that female narcs are ruthless but ALL narcs cheat. If there’s a “narcissistic” guy in your group who doesn’t cheat…well, he’s simply not a narcissist by it’s true definition. But all that aside, I can’t imagine any social circle that would be filled to the brim with cheating narcissists, male OR female. Again, they don’t hang out together…LOL. Now, your social circle may very well have people in it who have narcissistic qualities – but we all do – but having narcissistic qualities and being a narcissist is not the same thing. Either way, if you’re seeking a different kind of partner, you’d probably want to change your social circle…it would be one place to start…

        Zari:)

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