Cheating Narcissists & Why Great Sex with You Changes Nothing

narcissist-cheater-sexThe narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.

I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.

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The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.

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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.

My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.

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Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.

I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact,  and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.

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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.

YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.

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126 Comments

  • Stop this train, I want to get off

    December 30, 2016 at 10:22 pm Reply

    I so appreciate this site – just starting to realize my man is a narcissist – thank god, because it so messes with your sanity!
    I wanted to add something that happened yesterday with my N. He called his friend who is also a N and put him on speaker phone- his N friend didnt know I could hear. His N friend then started talking about women. He has a girlfriend of 3 months and he claims it is the best sex of his life. She wouldn’t have sex for the first month, until he would be exclusive- so he agreed to be her boyfriend. And he is really happy with her. as I said, best sex ever. However, he never stopped sleeping with others, including prostitutes. My N asked him why he is cheating if its the best sex ever – he said, because he wants to. period. point blank. He tells her he loves her. While on the phone, he sent pictures of her nude to my N (who saved them to his phone in front of me), he said that he secretly video tapes them having sex and takes pictures of her nude without her knowledge. The men call it, “booing up for winter.” They get with a woman for the winter, tell her what ever she wants to hear for consistent sex, while never slowing down the hunt for other pussy (as they said). Listening to him so matter of factly talk about this girl was a huge eye opener. It was obvious, she wasn’t a person to either of them – just an object to be used and discarded. You don’t concern yourself with the feelings of an object- and it isnt really cheating when its a object either.
    After the conversation, my N was all excited that I saw this seedy nature that he claims all men are like. He told me how cheating was normal and no big deal. Then just today, i found out he cheated 4 days ago. His response: “If i EVER wouldve known that you didnt 1. know all men want to fuck 2. Other women dont want from me as much as YOU do 3. That men cheat. I do not use these arguments to remotely excuse my betrayal, yet its like DAMN, be for real, these revelations make it difficult to be fair and honest.”

    I honestly dont even understand his message, Did I mention – he asked me to elope 4 days ago and he was at my home to pick me up to go get married when I found out he was still seeing the woman he cheated with since July?
    He texted me he was sorry. Then the text above – which somehow makes me feel like its my fault and Im stupid. He also sent me this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZkDIQLKogs

    • Zari Ballard

      January 3, 2017 at 5:48 am Reply

      Hello Stop This Train,

      What do you not understand about his message sister? Sounds clear enough to me.

      I have to tell you that narcissists don’t usually talk in groups that way, girl. In fact, narcissists, as a rule, don’t hang around with other narcissists period. They are far more covert and rarely – if ever – would allow a girlfriend to be in on a conversation like that. For narcissists, it’s all about The Lie and the sneaking around and denying it and getting away with it . Although there is a fine line between a guy who is just a douchebag asshole player and a guy who is a full-blown narcissist, there is a line. You’re guy, without a doubt, is definitely a douchebag asshole player who happens to hang around in a group of douchebag asshole players who enable each other. Wow! A full-on narcissist is usually on his own, entertaining just himself with his own behaviors and doing everything behind his girl’s back while denying it to the world. While there is certainly NOTHING redeemable about either, at least the narcissist PRETENDS TO HAVE DECENT QUALITIES and this is why we become hooked. Your guy doesn’t even pretend to be civilized…he doesn’t even pretend to have a moral compass. He is telling you exactly what he is going to do throughout your relationship and he’s also telling you he doesn’t care. Moreover, if you are listening to him and his bud talk shit about women and girlfriends, what kind of conversations do you think they are having about YOU??? The same or worse. I would have to guess that eventually he may become a polished narcissist who does it all on the sly but why wait for that??? RUN!!! And whatever you do, don’t look back. This, if it’s possible, will only get worse. Yikes!

      xox

  • mspinky

    December 25, 2016 at 10:57 am Reply

    I’ve been through something similar to this. I definitely can feel your hurt and pain.
    This guy I was with for six years. Basically had bad motives for me though whole relationship I did everything he was needy and a cheater constantly.
    He got on his feet moved in his own spot after fives years of living with me. I had no clue until we got into a heated argument.
    Then he still stringed me alone till he found the girl of his dreams. One day he finally said this was all a game and that he is letting me go smh. He broke me down I was hurt I’ll never allow this type of behavior again.He is stjll with her and loving her smh it’s weird .

  • Lisa

    December 23, 2016 at 7:31 am Reply

    This is my life written by someone I dont know, yet its the exact same story of my life these past 7 years. Mind blowing to say the least.

  • Hayley

    November 22, 2016 at 10:46 am Reply

    Oh you hit the nail on the head! They cheat and they always will no matter what you do or how great your sex is! I was in a 3 year relationship with a Narcissist. Typical Narcissist, he was boastful, needed to be surrounded by people who adored him, lacked any remorse or regret, everything was about him, habitual liar….also physically abusive and emotionally hollow. I put up with 3 damn years of being cheated on with a multitude of women and either I was blamed or it was outright denial on his part.

    First time I caught him cheating was literally two months into the relationship. He messaged another girl on a dating website who happned to be a friend of mine. Next time was 4 months later. It was his borthday and he was treating me so badly (this is what they do when they are fucking someone else, they start a fight) and I looked in his phone to find this woman was texting him sex stuff and he called her 14 times and facetimed her at 2am. We broke up and a few days later he was texting begging me to give him another chance and from there…it was one woman after another. Sometimes they were texting and other times literally pulling up in the driveway the one day a week I was not there. He would add them all to his FB and even get up with exs he said were psycho. The last time he cheated on me I had told him I was going home that night. I drove by his house to see him in the driveway talking to a woman he just went on a date with. He also gathered all my things and hid them in his closet so when she came in she would not know he had a girlfriend. Besides everything else he did to me and all the lies and abuse and put downs I finally told him to go fuck himself. He texted me horrible things and immediately added his ex to FB to get my goad.

    They are nothing but lying, useless wastes of space and time. Ladies and gentleman who actually have morals…YOU DONT NEED THEM and trust me they will cheat on the next one and hurt them too. This one I was with cheated on every woman he was with and multiple exs I finally talked to said he will never change. He screwed them ALL over! I also got revenge on my Narc but that is a story for another day.

    • Kels

      November 25, 2016 at 5:22 pm Reply

      wow…that is a mirror image of what I went through with my ex. It has taken me all year to gain back my strength and dignity. Educating myself on narcisissts has helped a lot. Before I met him I never knew animals like this existed!

    • Mel

      November 27, 2016 at 11:13 am Reply

      I’m just curious, how did you get revenge?

      • Zari Ballard

        November 27, 2016 at 2:31 pm Reply

        Revenge never works because their revenge on your revenge will be three times worse. The best revenge, even if there is a smear campaign, is to move along and say nothing. Besides making them look like the assholes that they are, the fact that your fine drives them nuts.

        Zari:)

  • Adrianne

    November 8, 2016 at 7:14 am Reply

    The last two days have been an like receiving an epiphany. I have realised after ten years with my husband and six years of marriage, that he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It honestly seems like the first eight years of being together that, although he was definitely flaky with a history of slight depression, he seemed to all intents and purposes to be a loyal, moralistic, lovely man and husband. Our wedding day and the day our son was born have been some of my happiest memories to date.

    Since returning early from a tour with the army, with suspected suicidal tendancies, he was soon diagnosed with PTSD and mild depression. The depression got worse when he was medically discharged and was out of work for ten months. Basically, since we moved from army married quarters to civilian life two years ago, he started showing signs of NPD, although I had no idea at the time, I just thought it was part and parcel of the mental illnesses he had been diagnosed with: and I’ve defended him to the last about it, even though ‘people’ have suggested that he may have it, especially recently.

    It’s hard to summarise what myself, my family and friends have gone through because of him over the last two years. It started when he slept with a childhood sweetheart of his – a lady that had attended our wedding, and we attended hers. Immediately after that and perhaps concurrently he was texting a girl from POF and met up with her. Leaving me abandoned at home with no money or way to pay the car tax. A week later after I found him out, he swore he was sorry and that he’d been incredibly stupid, it would never happen again. I took him back, because I loved him. We agreed to live separately and work on our marriage for a few months until he could move back in to our family home. A month after this decision he met a girl on a night out at the pub and began exchanging constant texts. I found out – he begged for another chance. I gave it to him. Two days later I checked his social media and found he’d searched for her, added her and messaged her again. Once again, he managed to convince me that it wouldn’t happen again and I took him back into my heart. He moved back in a few months later, and a for just over a year, it seemed as though the cheating had stopped, and we were relatively happy.

    Things didn’t really escalate until we mutually separated a year ago, when I once again found out he’d starting romantically texting a woman, round about Christmas time. After that, I was pretty much ok, inasmuch as I felt relieved to be out of a toxic relationship, and felt more or less ready to move on, although I missed the physical side which was always amazing and yes, I missed the caring and loving man he could seem to be at times. Still he managed to worm his way back in a month or two later – by offering me comfort and what I thought was support when I was struck down with a particularly bad virus. Or was it because I was dating? He let himself into my house on one occasion when we were still separated, because he still had a key – I came home to find him crying and swearing he would leave me along forever, as he’d been through my stuff and my computer and said he couldn’t handle me being with another man.

    We continued to see each other but I found out he’d gone to meet the lady he’d texted at Christmas and stayed overnight. He convinced me nothing sexual happened and seemed to be on the level for another month or two. Then he slept with one of my close friends, and suddenly, they were in a relationship on social media, profile pics of them kissing etc., and for all the world ‘in love’. We weren’t even divorced! Having told me less than a month before that he loved me so, so much; and that nobody would or ever could compare. This almost destroyed me – obviously I lost my friend as well as my husband, and I had to go on antidepressants for the first time in my life. I took up smoking full time, and drinking heavily.

    Almost exactly one month later… you know where this is going don’t you? He was literally back on my doorstep, citing suicidal tendancies, and he went as far as to finish with my friend via text that very same day, saying he couldn’t be with her anymore as he wasn’t over me. This is when he really ramped it up. He promised me the world (as he’d done before) – we would move away for a fresh start to a new house, we wouldn’t ever let anyone come between us again (I hadn’t!), we would stop being selfish about our own hobbies and concentrate purely on family life and making up for what we’d missed out on with our son over the past few months, doing family outings and enjoying simple family life – we would be together forever, he’d been such a fool, he’d never stopped loving me and never would, he loved me more than I could EVER know, no other woman could ever compare to me sexually, physically and mentally. Trust me, he said: I’ll never, ever leave you, ever again, there is no escaping the love that we have, it is true love and real and we have the rest of our lives to make up for all the shit I’ve put you through. I thought I could move on, he said, I really tried to – but there’s no-one else for me, and never will be. He said.

    What could I do?! I was still helplessly in love, and had put all the recent badness down to his mental illness, caused by no fault of his own. For two months we lived in a blissful honeymoon period, where he went all out and gave it his all. We celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary – he sent me a lovely card with beautiful sentiments. The first time I went out on my own with friends, and he looked after our son while I did, is when it started going wrong.

    A week after that, I received an anonymous message telling me he was still ‘dicking’ about; and that he had caused so much hurt and pain over the last few months to so many girls, and that I shouldn’t trust him. They gave me the number of a girl he’d messed around back on one of our ‘separate’ times, and I spoke to her at length over text. This was one of the first times I heard someone else other than myself voice the opinion that was he an NPD. She even went as far as to say he had other mental conditions. He was very cool and calm, he knew I’d received an anonymous text as they also texted my ex-friend! and she had told a mutual friend of his. He said that he had absolutely nothing to hide, and indeed, thanks to our ‘open phone policy over the last three months, and the fact that he had spent a lot of time with me, and was on the home phone when not with me – it seemed unfounded. He said he knew no proof would ever come out about this latest accusation, because he had done absolutely nothing wrong, and that if it did, he would walk away from our family and never come back. I ended up with the conclusion that this girl was one and the same as the anonymous messager; and I discounted her theories as being a woman scorned – she blocked me. Unsurprisingly.

    After this, was the beginning of the end. He immediately began to withdraw – citing poverty as a reason for not driving up to see me. Poverty?! I myself was struggling so much for cash I had to resort to a food bank when the manger of my son’s nursery took pity on me. I had to take unpaid time off work to have my son over half term (the week it turns out he arranged to meet a girl at a pub) because nursery wouldn’t take him as my husband hadn’t paid enough of the bill. I hardly saw him over a period of two weeks, but every day he texted me to reassure me that he was not getting second thoughts and that he loved me more than ever, more than I loved him and always would, and that this last business had made us stronger than ever. I had become pretty controlling and overbearing and suspicious again, but he assured me it was totally understandable and that he would give me all the time I needed to trust him again, even if I felt I never could, that he knew he had been expecting too much before. He said let’s put it behind us and move on, stronger than ever. Oh how it hurts to type that! Then on payday we planned a family weekend together. By Saturday lunchtime however, he wanted to leave. He became almost completely unreachable, let our son down the following Monday when we had planned a family event; and by Tuesday he was dumping me. Said he wasn’t ‘feeling it’; that maybe he didn’t love me as much as he used to after all!, that he couldn’t live with the constant mistrust, that he needed to be alone away from everybody because he had failed as a husband and couldn’t do the family thing, it stressed him out too much. He just wanted to be himself.

    By Wednesday he was back on POF, and it transpires he’d gone back on Tinder at some point and had arranged to meet a girl the Tuesday before he ended things with me. He met her for a date last night, and is already talking to countless other girls online. I have hit rock bottom; I took a load of pills on top of two bottles of wine, realised I couldn’t go through with it for my boys. He has dragged me down to a low I never thought I could ever hit. All because I loved him or the man he was and wanted to love him help him and support him forever through his pain and illness.

    I have been speaking to a counsellor who suggested NPD before I could suggest it myself. Or am I just the biggest Goddamn fool in the history of the world…

    • Zari Ballard

      November 8, 2016 at 1:50 pm Reply

      Hi Adrianne,

      Wow…words can not express the sadness I feel for what this narc has put you through. And yes – he IS a narc. Somewhere in there, he may be a sex addict as well which, as far as I’m concerned, just exacerbates his dedication to a narc’s “relationship” agenda. I can relate to what you went through on so many levels. I was with my N for 13 years and also stayed and gave him second chances ZILLIONS of times. Like you said, what are you supposed to do? When the person we love…the person in which we have INVESTED our very soul…is looking at us, right in the eye, saying he’s sorry and that they love us and only us and they learned their lesson…what the hell are we supposed to do? We WANT it to be true and it’s NOT abnormal for us to WANT TO BELIEVE. What’s abnormal is the fact that someone could look at us and say all that and be lying right through his frigging teeth! How are we ever supposed to wrap our heads around that?? I get it, girl, I really do. You are not a fool!!! HE’S the fucking fool!

      Now, how to recover is the problem. I’m here to tell you that it is absolutely possible. To start, I have just sent you all four of my books to the email that you used to post your message. This will get you started. This man is not worth a second of your time – mental illness or not. (btw, narcissism is NOT a mental illness and should never be thought of as such). It is hopeful to me that you seem to be surrounded by people that KNOW WHAT NARCISSISM MEANS. This is very good news because they are right. Unfortunately, narcs LOVE to create plausible deniability and because of this, you must be confident in the truth that you know.

      Understand that nothing you could ever do or say would ever fix this man. He is what he is and your suffering is actually his reward for a job well done. It’s all about what he can get away with. No more suffering, sister.

      Please look for the books and keep in touch! There are so many stories here written by wonderful people just like you and me….recovery is a team effort and we’re all here to support you!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Graham

    October 14, 2016 at 11:11 am Reply

    Hi Zari

    Thanks for the great post – really made me think. I’m at the end of a 4 yr relationship with a female narcissist. She seemed to be my perfect match from the start : warm, caring, loving, devoted, she made sure I knew I was her ideal man…right up to the point that, without warning or obvious provocation, she dropped out of my life completely and it was as if I didn’t exist.

    Suddenly in September she stopped calling me. She got in touch after 10 days only to tell me everything about me that was awful and how I wasn’t any good for her. I wrote her a loving email saying call me whenever you need, I love you and I’m always here. It’s 3 weeks now and nothing from her.

    She used to say to me in the early days “I think you’re turning me into a nymphomaniac” and “I’ve never had this much sex before”. Yeah right. She is a highly sexed predator and I am amazed she kept the act up so long with me, even to the point of accepting my proposal of marriage!

    I’m going NO CONTACT now after the worst, most traumatic few weeks of my life.

    Thanks for the great work. Understanding helps us to heal.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 23, 2016 at 10:59 pm Reply

      Hi Graham,

      Thank you for sharing, brother, and I wish you nothing but the best. Push through it and you will survive it…I guarantee it. The power has been yours all along…take advantage of the silence to own it once again. We forget what it is to be without chaos and turmoil. It takes time to heal…there’s no easy fix. No contact is the only road that will get you home. Walk it wisely.

      We’re here to support you!!!

      Zari xo

  • Steph

    September 21, 2016 at 11:03 am Reply

    Well i think my husband is a narcissist.
    He left in january saying he was going to rent a flat on his own as needed space to think about our marriage.
    I not long ago find out he moved in with another woman. Ti which he said i knew about her and all. And we were getting divorce and stuff. None of what he said to her and to me was true. Because he was telling her he loves her and to me we have a possibility to make it throught. We even celebrated our wedding anniversary in may where he declare is love to me and we will better and stronger.
    We find out about each other. But he still lives with her. Say he is done with the lies. Shr think they can have a future tigether even so she doesnt trust him or pretend to do.
    I no he keep lying to her as he email me and ask me to keep that a secret until thing are better between them. He says he loves her but portrait her like a jealous woman. I cant text him or call him regarsing our child has if he is to be believed she get stroppy. Now if you love someone who is going to be involve in my child life i would like to heard she fine with the odd text.
    Anyway he also if to be believed that i am is best friend and him and i will be so forever. That our friendship is so important to him that if she doesnt accept it well tuff. She can go. Really????
    Now all of this is new to me and i am trying to move on. But its hard. He be pretending to everyone that thi gs are im between the 2 of them.
    If no trust because if his lies why is he keeping our emails a secret? And the fact he call me for general chit chat when she is not around?
    Why is he dojng that? I know of more lies that he told her. And i know they are lies.
    Its hard. Very confusing.

  • Hana

    August 12, 2016 at 3:51 pm Reply

    I have been with my narcissist for 8 years. We are not married, his reasons would be plausible in any normal relationship but I have long realized the real reason is he could not manipulate me/hide me that easily if we were married. He cheated on me from day one of our relationship and looking back I saw all the signs but chose to ignore them because he just acted so into me I thought “nooo he would never!” I have since discovered he cheated with dozens of prostitutes. Some of them became his long term favorites, he just has to feel he is that special client to a whore. He believes he is special. That he is entitled to everything he gets. He had long term affair with his ex’s best friend that carried into our relationship. He had long term affairs with women his company deals with simply because he could and he would get better deals for his company as a bonus. My biggest sore is a current affair lasting for the last 6 years with a married woman. He knows that I am aware about it yet he won’t stop it. It is as if the more it hurts me the more he wants her. He tells me I am who I am and if you don’t like it you can leave. He is throwing me out of his house if I dare to show on my behavior that I guessed he just came back after having sex with her. And I always know. I can tell when he is lying about his plans with my eyes closed and my ears covered. He knows I have nowhere to go. No friends, no family, no savings. It gives him satisfaction to tell me to pack my stuff and move out if I dare question him on anything.

    The silent treatments came about one year into our relationship. It took me years to realize what they are and that he is doing it on purpose to break me. I questioned myself thinking I must have done something wrong and apologized not knowing what for really. Saying that knowing what they are does not make it any easier. He can go on for one, two weeks. By that time I am ready to apologize again. He won’t make it simple for me anymore, does not satisfy him enough. I have to explain why I apologize and why I never do it again, he makes it last for hours.

    He does not cheat on me daily. He likes his quiet nights in with me. But once, twice a month, sometimes more when he hears the calling and he sets up a date with his mistress nothing is going to stop him. He would go and shag her if I lay in hospital dying.

    What makes it so hard to leave then? One factor truly is I have nowhere to go. Family in another country, poor and not able to support me or even accomodate me temporarily. No friends. I work for him, if I leave I have no job.

    And then there are the good times. The in between times I call it. The days or rare weeks when we are travelling together and we have a good time together. When we lay in bed cuddling every night. When he tells me he loves me and only me and he will never leave me. I crave all those, yet when he follows his calling I have to ask myself are those good times all just a lie? How do I leave a man I love, but a man who only treats me nicely until I stand between him and another woman. Why am I suddelny just thinking it is all good because he only has one mistress with occasional whores instead of different one every other night like before I moved in with him? How did he manage turn me into shadow of the confident, funny woman I have once been?

    • Zari Ballard

      August 30, 2016 at 1:22 am Reply

      Hi Hana,

      I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. This guy doesn’t care about you any more than he cares about the prostitutes any more than he cares about the girl who cashed his check at the bank. What is happening here is that you’re convenient. We’ve all been in your shoes here so I know what it’s like but how much can you take of this? Are you unable to work for someone else for some physical reason? You need to get on your feet and get away from this loser before he gives you an STD or before he decides to really kick you to the curb. He is a complete asshole and yes, all the good times are fake. Unfortunately. Even a narc has to have fun and you are right there every night. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be sleeping with prostitutes or have a mistress at all. You know that. He just likes to have his cake and eat it too and if you’re okay with that, then I suppose you could stick it out. Everything a narc does is for the sole purpose of getting away with it and he is obviously getting away with it so he keeps doing it. The next time he goes off to sleep with someone else, I’d pack my shit and go to the nearest shelter or hotel. No friends? Why? Stop letting this guy manipulate and use you. Life is way too short to be treated so badly by anyone. I did it for thirteen years but it had to end. What we allow will continue.

      Please keep writing and READING here and know that I am here to support you….

      Zari xo

    • wendy

      September 30, 2016 at 9:14 am Reply

      Dear Zari,
      We have theexact same life. We are married 6 years & my husband is having an affair. Says he loves both of use. Doesn’t want a divorce wants both women. If he does divorce me, I too have no meny or no place to go. This is what allows him to continue his lfe, sense of entitlement!

  • Beka

    June 2, 2016 at 5:05 am Reply

    Been going through this for 4 years he wasn’t like it at the start but then I guess I never knew he’s my 1st love but he’s so cruel we’ve got a wee girl together so I hope he helps out after I pick up my boobs and tell him its not working but when they’re offended that’s the worst cos they bash you with a bunch of crap flaws that u have despite the thousands they’ve done that are worse mine told me I didn’t close the curtains in time and I’m to negative, what I can’t handle is like u said the anxiety when they leave I already have anxiety so doesn’t help but its the pain of how much its hurts that I can’t handle I can’t just carry on its a pain I’ve never felt before and nothing makes it feel better mine also said I didn’t think it was a big deal after getting caught the 10th time or more, I don’t have sitters or much support either so I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this I feel like I’ve been hypnotised 🙁

  • Sara d

    May 6, 2016 at 5:36 pm Reply

    Hey!
    I know this situation to well.
    We have been together for 5 years and have a 3 year old daughter together . From day one I found out he was a lying cheat but i am a forgiving person and gave him the benefit of the doubt .
    Fast forward 5 years and so much happening in between nothing has changed and now there is a 3 year old who is in the mix.
    I found out he created a fake facebook account to find and message other girls and exs to hook up ! And he connected it to a fake email address which he had hundreds of emails from affair dating websites ! Btw I saw he created the fb account the day I went for my 20 week pregnancy scan. I confronted him and he got angry with me and told me I shouldn’t be searching ( he left the fb details logged on ).
    My heart broke ! Literally in to a thousand pieces ! at the point I found everything i thought we had come a long way because everything seemed so good we had what seemed to be this happy family unit going on. So yeah it hurt real bad and I realised he would never change .
    Eventually he apologied and for some reason ( maybe because I am going through anxiety atm ) I believed him or at least wanted to for the sake of our daughter .
    Guess what ?
    Yep that’s right fast forward a month or two and he’s messaging his ex to meet up !
    I found out (he was messaging her in front of me not realising i saw ) and he got mad ! Didn’t even apologise because he said he just wanted to “catch up with her” !! Yeah whatever ! The night before we was telling me apart from his ex wife she was the only girl he loved . Before me !
    I told him that’s it I wanted him gone and he started getting violent ! My daughter was crying and it wasn’t a good situation !
    Atm he is still here purely out of the fact I’m scared and he is refusing to leave ! I’m saving to leave now! I hate him ! I just wish he would make it easy for me and leave but no I have to scrape what I have to save for me and my daughter to get away to be happy !
    No one really knows my situation as I’m rather a private person . I kind of tOld my mom I’m not happy but she thinks I’m better off with him
    Even though I told her how I feel ( because she doesn’t want the burden of me and my daughter at her apartment ) so I just keep myself to myself and not tell her anything . As you can see its Been a tough situation but Im starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

    • Zari Ballard

      June 11, 2016 at 3:08 am Reply

      Hi Sara d,

      I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to you. No one has to stay in that type of situation. There just has to be a way out. He is a cheater and a liar and the truth is that he will never ever change. It’s all about what he can get away with…do you understand that? If he can cheat and still have you hanging around, he’s going to do it until the end of time. You have to formulate a plan and stick to it. It’s going to take making a commitment and NOT falling for this same shit over and over. You say that you are scared but scared of what? Of being alone? Of physical abuse? Financial? All of that can be overcome because the truth is that a narcissist is really not that motivated to “love” us. There are far more interesting fish in the sea – at least for now. The more we call them out on their behavior, the more inconvenient we become and around and around it goes.

      Get a plan and don’t even worry about being happy right now. Just get out and eventually happiness will come. Take a chance…you really have nothing to lose by leaving but if you stay, you’ll lose what you didn’t even know you had.Truse me. been there, done that.

      Stays strong!

      Zari xo

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