Cheating Narcissists & Why Great Sex with You Changes Nothing

narcissist-cheater-sexThe narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.

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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.

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The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.

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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.

My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.

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Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.

I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact,  and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.

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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.

YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.

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133 Comments

  • patrizia

    December 27, 2017 at 3:03 pm Reply

    Wow, Wow, Wow.. this is the best description of a narcissistic attitude. Nonetheless, mine was a true charmer. I would always say- “this is to true to be real !!” — been there, but it did not destroy me.

    Zari, I love your words in the article, so on point – this is a wary – “it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life.”

    — thank you

    • Zari Ballard

      December 29, 2017 at 5:57 pm Reply

      Your welcome…I’m grateful for your visit and that you are NOT destroyed:) Have a wonderful narc-free 2018….xoxo

  • Bruce Pedersen

    December 1, 2017 at 9:16 am Reply

    Zari, Thank you for this article. I made the mistake of marrying an extreme narcissist who also had Paranoid Personality Disorder and Delusional Disorder. Quite the toxic cocktail. There were many signs that I rationalized, wrote-off or simply tolerated. Narcissists are masters at charm and seduction. I filed for divorce after a whole year of marriage. I’m happy it came-out so quickly and it wasn’t after 10 years. Everyone needs to know about NPD and look for the signs and if you see them……run your ass off and don’t look back. This scarred me quite a bit and I’ll have a hard time trusting again. I just served her purpose until even that wasn;t enough. She has destroyed so many lives.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 3, 2017 at 4:28 pm Reply

      Good for you for getting out quickly!!!…xoxo

      • Bruce pedersen

        December 4, 2017 at 2:07 am Reply

        Thank you so much for this on-line support group. It really does help. N’s seem to be in plentiful supply. I too I’m glad to have gotten out early but the narcissist can really get their hooks into you, manipulate and play the victim. Do N’s become this way because of a past trauma?

        • Zari Ballard

          December 29, 2017 at 6:33 pm Reply

          Hi Bruce,

          From my own experience with a narc and from the many, many stories that come through this website and via my phone calls, it appears that most of not all narcs had some kind of abuse when younger and by abuse, I mean more along the lines of NEGLECT. My thinking is that when children aged 3 – 9, say, are neglected by one or both parents (the mom, mainly, who is usually a narc herself), they just don’t innately learn the tools for loving and caring for others. This part of their soul just never develops. It’s either that or the narcissistic gene is hereditary and would have worked it’s way to the forefront anyway. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that the narcs that we deal with are ADULTS and they have seen enough of the world to know what is right, wrong, frowned upon, etc. They just don’t care. This fact alone makes any relationship involving this type of person completely non-sustainable no matter how hard we try.

          Zari:)

  • Rizwana

    November 17, 2017 at 10:28 am Reply

    Hi Zari, I have just read the briefing of your ‘When Love Is a Lie’ book and I felt it all applied to me and my current situation. I have just come out of well when I say come out I mean I’m still very much being emotionally, mentally challenged by my ex. We were in a 16year relationship, we have two children together aged 11 and 8. He was my first love I met him when I was 16 I am now 32 and may be for the most of our relationship he continually cheated on me with different women. We split this May but during this time we were still doing family and couple things together i,e going out for meals, cinema and the family things, we also continued to sleep with one another and I will say our sex life was great well I thought he was great, I on the other hand I become very frigid over time from all the cheating he did, I lacked self confidence and felt very unattractive and always thought this was why he continued messing around with other women. I recently found out in October that he is living a seeing a 24 girl from his work place, so all this time he has been sleeping with her, living with her whilst pursuing me. He plays us both of each other. It’s like he doesn’t want me but he wants no one else to have me whilst he tells me he loves this other girl. She now is so infatuated with him she believes everything he says and she has to constantly remind me that he loves her, doesn’t want to leave her, she’s the best thing that has ever happened to him and my actions are because I can’t deal with the fact that he has moved on with someone else. She is also not fazed by his actions for example she doesn’t care if he has slept with me and her a day apart because her answer is that he loves her and I’m a slag and I can’t get over him and I need to let it go. I would be lying if I said this was not true of cause I love him we have a family together, but I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him.
    This is just a brief of my story but I would love to get some guidance from you as I do feel very alone and no one really quite understands how bad this situation has become. I just want to be the best for my children that’s all and for him to drop me out of this weird love triangle as I feel it’s slowly killing me.

    I look forward to hearing from you

  • DALENE

    November 15, 2017 at 12:24 pm Reply

    My boyfriend for the last five years is a narcissist. Finally, I figured this out. Now i am trying to get away from him by ignoring all his hurtful games. However, he is pushing himself to be in my life. He will not stop at any costs. Showing up at my house and will not leave. Threatening to take from me, “like I’ve done him”. Whether its taking material things from me or mentally abusing me. I’m not able to have any life at all. I’m in constant fear of him. Other than turning to the authorities how can I stop living in fear?

    • Zari Ballard

      December 3, 2017 at 4:44 pm Reply

      Hi Dalene,

      You don’t have any choice but to call the authorities. There is no other option if, as you say, you “have no life at all”. Why should he be allowed to get away with that? He is threatening you. How does he take material things from you…by force? Has he physically abused you? The reason that I ask is because I am trying to figure out where the fear comes from. If you don’t answer the door, he has to go away some time and the truth is that eventually they will find something else to do. The time between door knocking assaults gets longer and longer. If you can’t wait that long and he is seriously making you fear for your life, tell him you will call the cops if he doesn’t leave OR just go down to the courthouse and have him served with a restraining order without saying a thing. Let me know how it goes…

      Zari x0

  • Anton

    June 4, 2017 at 6:07 am Reply

    Why is it him him him, the whole time. What about the woman cheating

    • Zari Ballard

      June 4, 2017 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Hi Anton,

      On my blog it’s because I speak from my own experience. However, I do recognize the plight of the male victim of the female narcissist and I even wrote a book about it called When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is available on Amazon. And I did write an article for this site apologizing to the guys for the him, him, him thing. Read it here. I do have your back!

      Zari:)

    • Tiffany Collins

      September 2, 2017 at 7:30 pm Reply

      Lol. Is this Anton Collins?

      • Zari Ballard

        September 3, 2017 at 2:36 pm Reply

        No, but he could actually go by any number of names, right? They are all but interchangeable!

    • Kyle White

      October 18, 2017 at 9:33 am Reply

      Yeah it’s not only men ,,,she she she she does
      to

  • Monique Mathieu

    May 9, 2017 at 4:56 am Reply

    I had a five year relationship with a Narcissist
    I dumped him 2 years and half ago after a second bout of silent treatments
    I have had 10 months counselling but i still not ok in my mind
    I know or guess he has now found another victim
    I still miss him and went through hell alone
    I am sixty four now , he was 48 at the time and was everything I wanted in a man funny sexy off beat and irresistible
    I thought I had met my soul mate and
    He swore he wanted to stay with me for the rest of his life. I am an Empath!!
    I feel now old invisible and cannot conceive another yet again abusive relationship
    My family has no idea what i went through so i feel isolated so desperate sometimes seeing how much damage he caused in my life
    He tried to take everything he could from me the loving …money…my bank account…my savings….my time…my sleep…he was a vampire
    I have liberated myself from his clutches but will never be the same
    Is there any hope??

    • Zari Ballard

      May 18, 2017 at 2:43 pm Reply

      Hi Monique,

      Is it possible for you to book some time to talk to me? I feel that I can help you through this…do not waste one more second of your life on this guy. You are NOT old and you are NOT invisible! You CAN get back to your former self and find joy again. The key is in changing our perspective and talking with someone about it who gets it and who has been there, rocked that (that’s me!). You don’t have to feel so isolated.

      If you are interested in talking to me, click here to get more information. I will send you all of my books and even the audio book of my first book that just came out. I am so sorry that it took me so long to replay. I know you can do this, sister! We are all in it together, I promise you:)

      Zari x0

      • kaliha brooks

        July 8, 2017 at 9:30 pm Reply

        Sari I believe I am a victim of narcissistic abuse but how do I know for sure if my husband is truly a narcissist? He seems to meet all of the symptoms but I truly don’t believe he would ever cheat on me. I tried catching him to see I even snuck a tracker on his phone and found no evidence of cheating. Now we are separated because he’s playing victim and I want to keep him satisfied so he doesn’t look anywhere else while we go through this time apart that he’s forcing us to have. How can I be for sure that I’m not just wasting my time and he really isn’t trying to save our marriage? If he is a narc how do you turn the tables?

        • Zari Ballard

          July 10, 2017 at 1:37 am Reply

          Hi Kaliha,

          Well, there are two ways you can find out….either buy my book Narcissism In a Nutshell which tells you exactly how to figure it out OR you can book a consult with me and I’ll give you my honest opinion one way or another. I’m not sure why you still want to play the game and “keep him satisfied”. A narcissist ALWAYS cheats, girl. We always think that they won’t or that they didn’t but, believe me, in the end we discover that they all do.

          If he was REALLY trying to save your marriage, he wouldn’t be playing the victim of anything and he certainly wouldn’t have left. I’d be suspicious of that right off the bat. Makes no sense. And if he is a narc, then there’s no need to turn the tables. All you need to do is walk away. Stay strong…life is too short for this kind of BS.

          Zari xo

      • Miss m

        August 9, 2017 at 8:34 am Reply

        Yes i read this and the replys from been destroyed by these narc i ad four awful year of same and an eating disorderd from his evil treatment i kept him he wanted my house to his treatment destoyed me were i was going off the edge bin on my own 2 years now cant go near anyone to scared we nearly loses our lives though these people he blamed me for everything i treat him like a king i got strenght from some were to get rid but we dont no wot hits us he askd me to get married3 times glad i never people think hes perfect and im the bad one

        • Zari Ballard

          August 23, 2017 at 11:51 pm Reply

          Hi Miss m,

          You know what, girl…who gives a rat’s ass what other people think? Like I always say, in these situations (loving a monster), we HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT IN THE TRUTH THAT WE KNOW which, in your case, is that YOU are NOT the problem. Say nothing in defense of his smear campaign and you will automatically be put in a better light than him. Believe me, people don’t think he is as great as you think they do…they just don’t show it or engage about that because they are not connected to him as personally. And yes, thank GOD you didn’t marry him! Talk about dodging a high-powered bullet:) Stay strong and be free…

          Zari xo

          • Sick of BS

            September 16, 2017 at 12:25 am

            Zari is right…what U have to face after the fact of being with a bat-shit CRAZY nutjob – U had respect for – yet ‘worked’ U BEHIND the scenes – out of sight of others & now realising there is possibly smear campaigns circulating, having HIM seem in good light…if these ppl want to believe him SO easily…then U have to get rid of the ppl pleasing idea & say to urself: F*** WHAT PPL THINK! It saved me!
            If u’ve never asked anything from them, they don’t pay ur bills & never have…if they have never offered a kind friendly word or gave indication, they don’t judge on hearsay – then F*** WHAT THEY THINK! I nearly went crazy looking at the aftermath & even cruel snide remarks (of family) when I knew they never spoke to me. It HURT…but, it also opened my eyes…how secretly ppl may have been JEALOUS of U, imagining what they want…& that ppl can be too easily persuaded by just WORDS to bring U down…& a sociopath THRIVES on that fact.
            And they ARE jealous of ANYTHING…esp if U seemed happy, independent, content with ur life, without their major involvement (& we are not talking wealth). Well, celebrate ur closet clean-out of ‘fake’ friends & ‘fake’ family…get back on that high-horse, they imagined U were on – just coz U seemed so happy & ride it off into the sunset: Adieus, amigos!

    • Zari Ballard

      May 18, 2017 at 3:14 pm Reply

      Hi Monique,

      Is it possible for you to book some time to talk to me? I feel that I can help you through this…do not waste one more second of your life on this guy. You are NOT old and you are NOT invisible! You CAN get back to your former self and find joy again. The key is in changing our perspective and talking with someone about it who gets it and who has been there, rocked that (that’s me!). You don’t have to feel so isolated.

      If you are interested in talking to me, click here to get more information. I will send you all of my books and even the audio book of my first book that just came out. I am so sorry that it took me so long to replay. I know you can do this, sister! We are all in it together, I promise you:)

      Sometimes “regular” counseling can make us feel work after involvement with a narcissist and I feel that this is because this type of therapy is all about fixing ourselves after the break-up. Excuse me but there is nothing wrong with you…THIS is why you don’t feel better. Let’s focus on HIS bad behavior and DNA and get the recovery ball going…

      Zari xo

    • Melissa

      September 16, 2017 at 10:16 pm Reply

      I am in the midst my very first silent treatment now. I’m 50 and he is 47. We’ve lived together for 2 1/2 years. I am so lost…..

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