When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Gillian
June 4, 2016 at 3:16 pmI don’t know what I should call my husband…..I’ve been married 26 years some days are good if he’s busy with his job and leaves me alone…. But I’m scared to even talk to me because it’s always refer to some bf in my past which makes me uncomfortable. I was dating my husband of 26 years for 10 years before marrying him. I’m from a family where I lost my dad at 3 my mum was 26 with 5 children so life was always hard.
Then I met my husband he was charming and took care if me…..I was 14 he 19…. I was away in boarding school n met him on my vacation he was my cousins friend…..anyhow we broke up early because my brother in law tried to abuse me ,nothing happened as I managed to escape. I was so shaken up that I broke up with my bf he then got another gf but we got back and he never broke up with this girl this went on for years till she finally got married….on n off we would break up as he used to beat me up….and then I went away to work and I cheated on him too ….I was 16 and it happened a couple of times till I was 18….anyhow he managed to get everything out of me and I told him what I did but he wants details I mean it makes me feel terrible…..so we married when I was 23 but he makes me suffer because he says I’m a cheater and does not wish me on my birthdays and such….but I told him with who and what I did but how do I give graphic details ?
Now once I’ve been married to him I’ve never cheated or anything and he’s the one who has and when I found out he says I cannot say anything because I was worse….
I’ve lived thes years walking on egg shells and I’m scared of him because even if he’s in the wrong he gives me the silent treatment which can go on for months if I don’t grovel and try to make it ok…..now the most resent thing that happens just now which has really upset me because I’m getting the silent treatment….he went on my fb account which he always goes on….I don’t have my ex bf from school on my account but he found him and sent him a message like ” hey it’s been a long time how have you been” I saw it and delegated it but did not question him….now today he insists I sent the msg and that I sent it in 2013 but I did not I don’t even have him on fb….he’s calling me a liar n refusing to talk to me….I know he sent it because I was not at home that evening and I saw the time it was sent….I can’t take this anymore but I have nowhere to go ????
Zari Ballard
June 27, 2016 at 6:12 amHi Gillian,
I know things have probably not changed for you since you posted this but I really hope that you give thought to leaving this man. You don’t mention children and even if you did have children, I would assume that they would be grown and on their own or close to it. Given that, why can’t you leave? There simply is no answer other than that. Do you have no family at all or friends who support you or any skills that you can use to find work? You have to devise a plan and stick to it in order to get out.
You say that you are afraid of him because whatever you do, you will get the silent treatment. So, let him go silent! Appreciate the silence. I would much rather have a monster like that be silent than abusive and ranting and raving. I’m sure he does that too but if silence is his main punishment, then let it be. He seems to have plenty of free time to be messing with FB which is ridiculous. Who cares if he thinks you messaged someone? Do not waste your breath defending yourself. He’s just looking for a reason to justify his own bad behaviors.
Have you asked for a divorce? Can’t you pack a bag and go to a friend’s house? Something? You feel doomed to this fate forever but that’s only because you have been with him for so long. It’s time to break away and get on with the rest of your life, girl. We have no time to waste.
Stay string and write anytime…I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Faith
May 30, 2016 at 7:08 pmMy husband of 11 months cheated on me after our first disagreement ever. I am/was a submissive wife as I am a Christian and let him be the head of the household. The signs were there that he’s a narc now that I look back. I was love bombed, I was his soulmate, he said he loved me on our first date. We married 4 months after meeting. Things were great until the disagreement in March. A week after the disagreement he started an affair. I was 5 months pregnant at that time. He didn’t tell his coworker/woman he cheated with that I was even pregnant. He has now decided that this is who he is and if I can’t accept him for who he is then we need to divorce. He said if I was willing to stay married and be a family but let him act single then we could be together. Of course I chose to leave. I haven’t heard from him since. He doesn’t care how the pregnancy is going, lost a custody battle for his daughter with his ex because she was only willing to let us have his daughter if I was in the picture and has moved on with this other woman. I was told by his ex to expect him to make the custody issue we will have a living hell. How can he just walk out on me, his step daughter, the baby I’m carrying and lose his own daughter with no remorse? He told the other woman in a text that he had no regrets. He was in love with her and married to me. They had only been seeing each other for three weeks when he sent that text and that’s the one I found. He acted completely normal, loving and we were still intimate until the day I found out and then everything changed. I don’t understand it. After all my research I am positive he is a narc. How did I get so fooled? Now I have filed for legal separation asking for spousal support because he also left me with no money. I fear when we go through the divorce or when he tries to come back as I’ve read they all do just to prove the control they still have over their victims. I’m not sure why I’m sharing or what I want to gain from sharing. It’s just hard still. I get stronger everyday and I guess the no contact is working because he’s the one not contacting me. I don’t contact him either. I begged enough when I found out about the affair. I’m tired and done begging.
Sam
July 31, 2016 at 6:56 pmHi Faith
I can only imagine how painful it is for you. I have been through the same a few years ago.
I also expect that his ex probably warned you against him and probably sounded like she was either vindictive or making up things. That happened to me when I first met my ex husband. His previous girlfriend warned me about him. He told me I was his soulmate and he wished he had met me before so that he would not have to go through his former “heartaches”.
I was so proud of myself thinking that I was THE ONE that he married me because he found the perfect girl for him after the not so good one who came before me.
But after many long years, I found out he had affairs on top of affairs. And I found out the a week or so after the honeymoon, he was already having an affair with an old flame. The ink had barely dried on the marraige papers, there he went on a cheating spree. And still he was not content.
He had to have at least 3 or 4 women at any given time. So he was cheating on his mistresses too if there is such a thing. And when I found out after a long suffering marraige, he very casually told me that he loved me and that I should let him live the single life until he tires of it. He would then go back to me with the knowledge that I LET him live his life and find his happiness.
Not to mention for years he beat me up for not being the perfect wife. Here I thought he WAS trying to be the best husband but I wasnt cooperating so I kept trying harder day after day. I realized in the end that I wasnt the problem at all. True he keeps coming back. Everytime he has a fight with his current plaything, he remembers me.
Natasha
May 21, 2016 at 8:16 pmAnd why does it seem like these people get away with everything? I swear they seem to just sail through life with no strife whatsoever. I’m not complaining, I’m very blessed and would never trade my life for his but some days, it’s like damn when are they going to pay for what they do???
naomi lopez
June 12, 2016 at 8:35 pmThey are already paying for or what they are!!! Don’t you see it ??? They will never ever be satisfied with one woman even when he marries he will cheat because his own wife will never be enough for him. I would never WANT his kind of life!!! People like this will never be happy !!!. How sad is that !!! God sees everyone’s evil deeds !!! ITS A GREATER sin to think they are Gods because they are far from ever being a God!! There is only one GOD!!! HOPE THIS HELPS!!!!
Natasha
May 21, 2016 at 8:10 pmHow long do we have to suffer at the hands of these people? I have been away from my ex for many years now but because we share a son, he still uses every opportunity he can to hurt/control me. I still haven’t moved on with my life with someone else,my son comes firstand always will but ultimately its because I scared to death to trust anyone ever again. The hell I was put through by this monster was horrific.I swear if you looked up Narcissist in the dictionary, you would find a picture of my ex. I could literally write a book about my experience and it seem it is never going to end!
Zari Ballard
May 23, 2016 at 4:40 amHi Natasha,
It’s hard when you have a child but there are ways to move forward. Stand your ground and don’t let him push you around or control you. Just don’t do it. If it’s been many years, there’s no reason for it. Minimize your interaction…keep any discussion between you and him to ten minutes. There is nothing you can’t say to each other in that time. Refuse to have any conversation that isn’t about the kid and ONLY if it’s necessary. I assume that you’re getting child support, right? Or at least you have a court order for support whenever he has a job? Is there set visitation…if not, there should be. Narcissist’s are bad enough at parenting and a set schedule is a small but significant boundary. Take charge of the situation. If you’ve been apart for years, how is he hurting you or controlling you? Over what? Just because you have a kid together doesn’t mean that you’re doomed for life to his abuse. But only you can change that. We can’t control their behaviors but we can certainly control our reactions to it. The power is always ours even if it doesn’t feel that way.
Stay strong!
Zari:)
Sarah
May 20, 2016 at 7:05 amI find myself struggling so much right now. My EX N is getting married. We have been split up for over year now. However, seeing one another after the split up, all the way up until a week before his public announcement that he was dating someone else. Four months later, he’s getting married to her. And as much as I know that he is not right for me and the mental abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse has now ended for good, I cannot stop thinking about what was so wrong with me during our 5 year relationship? About the time that I invested wanting everything she is now getting. It doesn’t seem fair that he gets “love”, a “marriage”, security, etc. when that is what I fought very, very, very hard for all that time I was with him. Someone told me recently, that it was because I saw his true colors. That I wouldn’t allow the abuse to continue any longer. Maybe that is true. However, I am the one who appears to be hurting and unable to move on in my life because of the scars that he left upon me. so, does that make all that he told me, confided in me, thought, felt… was that all just a lie? Was there ever any real love for me? I cannot understand how he could move on and get married when I barely can make it out of bed some days let alone fall in love with another person yet. I do not know how to close this chapter in my life.
Henrique Scarpa
May 23, 2016 at 10:46 amGo to an evangelical church talk to a pastor ask him or her to pray for you with laying of hands.
Still recovering
May 23, 2016 at 12:21 pmMy story is similar to yours. He got me pregnant and I stayed with him. He had been separated from his now ex is ice for years, so I was told. I wanted to pay for his divorce and us get married but it never happened. Right before I left I knew he had someone else. I left and found out who. They both cheated to be together. They have been together for 7 months and now married. She payed for his divorce, to get his drivers license back, a truck and is fixing to buy them a house.
TooOldForThis
May 24, 2016 at 2:09 amHi Natasha!
Yes, it was a lie. There was no love from the N as they don’t feel that emotion. They just move on from one “ideal” love to another. It has nothing to do with you. I struggled with this for a few months, but then reading this blog and others i have come to know them for what they are, they are permanently five years old. I also have an N who just moved on, ignores me and has another person, and it is like nothing even mattered to him. And it actually did not. The problem is that we want that ideal love and love bombing phase back before they were their true, mean, cruel self. Also, unfortunately with these guys, you won’t get normal closure. Because to them, you don’t exist now. He is not “in love” with another person. She is still an object to him as you were. Don’t compare yourself to her. Feel sorry for her.
It does get better especially with No Contact.
Cheyenne
May 18, 2016 at 5:31 pmHi, I was in an unhappy marriage when I met my N. I separated and my ex husband filed for divorce. I moved out of my ex husbands house but we still talked bc we have 3 kids together. I got pregnant by my Narc. I decided to give him a chance instead of reconciling with my husband, big mistake. My Narc is a 3 time felon and had a history of violence but he told me horrible stories about his wife that he had been separated from for years. They have 3 kids also. I got divorced and we moved in together. It was soon after that he told me he was bipolar. We couldn’t afford for him to get a divorce or his drivers license bc I couldn’t hardly work due to my pregnancy. We had a healthy beautiful little girl. My tax return came in and I paid off the mattress to his bed and he went and got a tv and PlayStation 4. He wouldn’t let me pay for his divorce or his drivers license. I also let him talk me into not going back to my good paying job and instead go to work and rely on him to support me and my kids plus his and our 1. He soon quit his job bc he had a better opputonity come his way but it didn’t work out like planned. I had to quit school and find a job. He would throw up in my face that it’s my turn to support him and all the kids. He finally got a part time job at a liquor store and well things started going down even more from there. He left me and his kids one weekend and partied all weekend. I located him and we went to get him. I had some warn me he was back on his drugs and for me to get out. On Fourth of July last year we got into an agreement over my son staying with friends all the time. I apologized for my son and my kids having a social life and well this made his 11 year old daughter start crying bc I said they didn’t have friends. I confronted his daughter and he didn’t like it and shoved me 3 times in front of my daughters and told me not to talk to his. He did this while I was holding our daughter. I told my 11 year old daughter to call 911 but then I told her to stop bc I didn’t want his kids to see their dad go back to jail for the I don’t know how many times. His kids have seen a lot between him and their mother, I didn’t want them to see that again. So I called his mom and got his friends number. His mom told me to leave but I had to many kids to take care of by the way he was drunk, very drunk. I had his friend come get him out of the house. Weeks later my ex served me with papers removing our kids. A month later I suspected my N was talking to someone else. In the mean time an old friend of his started talking to me and telling me how he is and that I was being used bc that how he is. I finally got up the courage to leave. It was bad. I ended up getting an order of protection bc I was getting scared. He literally had me thinking I was going crazy. Well I dropped the order of protection in February so that we could try and parent. This new woman he has paid for his divorce and drivers license plus got him a truck and is buying them a house. His divorce was final on a Friday and they married Monday. He gets our daughter for 6 weeks this summer and refuses for me to have her unless it’s our weekend. He say I’m in his shoes now. He also says I’m jealous of his woman and that I need to stop being so pathetic. His knew woman is known as a drug head hoe and she always leaves her kids to take care of his. He also admitted to me that he started talking to his new woman in August, when I started to suspect he had someone else. I still let him get to me with his words and it hurts so much. He told me that he and my ex husband our doing better than me since I left them and that I need to stop saying my ex husband wanted me back bc he didn’t, which in fact he did even knowing I was pregnant with another mans child. I told him that I’m not jealous of her bc there is nothing to be jealous of they both cheated to be with each other. I also told him that I was glad to be away from him. I’m more worried about our daughter. His other kids are afraid of him and I don’t want our daughter afraid of him. I want her to have a voice and know it’s ok. Everything I pick our 17 month old daughter up she has a diaper rash and comes straight to me. When she has to go with him she cries. He gets her for 6 weeks and I’ve asked that we do one week in and one week off. He refuses bc I kept him from her and he needs this time to build with her. I’m so worried bc she has not ever been away from me this long and what condition will I get her back in?
Zari Ballard
June 21, 2016 at 1:14 amHi Cheyenne,
So sorry I’m so late getting to you, sister. Please send me an update to your story so that it will bump to the top. I promise to reply ASAP. I need to know WHY any JUDGE would award a 17-month old baby to a dad for six-weeks??? I just don’t get that. I would flat out refuse to do it. Please write back and let me know what has transpired!
Zari xo
Cheyenne
June 21, 2016 at 2:48 pmShe has been with him for almost six weeks and has kept a diaper rash since. I’ve asked him to try and change brands bc we don’t use the same brand but he just blamed it on daycare and said all his other kids wore them and so will she and I can keep buying the cheap crap. He won’t let me see her at all during the 6 weeks unless it’s my weekend. He won’t even answer my texts. He calls his new wife that he cheated on me with her mom when he talks to me. Our daughter cries every time she has to go to him but there’s nothing I can do. The judge wouldn’t sign my ex parte papers for emergency custody bc of the severe diaper rash she had and now she keeps every time she is with him. I just take pics. My lawyer told me to just keep doing what I’m doing and document everything.
Chris
May 4, 2016 at 8:20 amI’d like to share my thoughts, feelings and experience of an ex who I believe to be a text book narcissist but unfortunately I’m a man and the narc in question is a woman so I’m not sure if my story would be accepted or believed on here as it appears that like most websites and blogs the narcissists is always male
Can ‘he’ be replaced with ‘she’………Can ‘him’ be replaced with ‘her’…….Can a man be a victim of narcissistic abuse from a women?
Zari Ballard
May 6, 2016 at 3:32 pmHi Chris,
Thank you for stopping by my website and of course you can share your story. Please read this article here entitled “To Male Victims of Female Narcissists” and also read the comments underneath because you will see stories just like yours, I guarantee it. You will also find comments/stories from men all over this website under the articles. I also wrote a book just for the guys called When Evil Is a Pretty Face and if you write me via the Contact Me page, I’ll gladly send you a copy in PDF.
It is my strong opinion that female narcissists are far worse then their male counterparts, brother, so I’m on your side. The only reasons I don’t use “he/she” throughout my articles is because 1) I speak in this blog from my own experience with a narcissistic boyfriend, and 2) it ruins the continuity and flow of the article. Otherwise, I would be doing it!
Hang in there and know that I’m here to support you. You’ll never find judgement from me or any of the wonderful people who visit here to share their stories. Recovery is a team effort!
Zari xo