When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
James
March 24, 2016 at 5:33 pmI come to this page often. I was 19 when I met my Narc. I fit the profile perfectly; naive, idealistic about love and romance. Funny thing was she had a boyfriend at the time but would invite me to stay over her house and sleep in her bed. She ping-ponged back and worth between the two of us. I could never understand why, she said she was so unhappy with him but would always disappear off with him, even one night telling me she had gone out for a meal gotten drunk and was planning on having sex with him. She texted me before and after. I have so many of these stories. She was childish, demanding, was a terrible friend, manipulative to the extreme, completely uncaring. She knew what my fears were (being cheated on) and seemed to do everything in her power to push the boundaries. We were together nearly three years.
I could write on and on for hours about all of the typically narcissistic things she did, but I’d be here forever.
I have since taken time and established my life in some ways. However, it feels like just as I get better and begin to feel the weight of the narcissistic hell being lifted, I am struck with awful memories.
I recently saw that she is now engaged, planning on having kids and moving to a different part of the country with her fiance. They have only been together since June of 2015. I hate to play into the power play, hate feeling that the misery this news causes me, but I have to admit it hurts. Just knowing she’s moving on with her life, making all of these bold new moves and moving away etc. whilst I spin my wheels in the same old town.
Do narcissists really not change? Are they always a curse to their new partners?
jyoung
February 29, 2016 at 4:55 pmboy oh boy …..I was discarded out of the blue after 2 years 7 1/2 months ago maintained NC for the last 3 1/2 months….I found out he was a N about 3 weeks ago and what a reliefe for the most part. I was feeling stronger had blocked everything (so I thought) and last Wednesday I get an IM from N..Hey…I ignore and it ….it did make me shake and secretly I was happy he contacted me…I felt somewhat vindicated….well,,,,Friday he texted longer message using a pet name he used to call me. I was drinking wine and was buzzed ….so I call him no answer & that made me FURIOUS so I left a scathing message cussing him out telling him he was a narcissistic and to google it (he couldn’t stand that I knew something he didnt) etc. that wasn’t enough so i texted more of the same I was pissed!!! I pass out wake up and groan oh know all that nc work down the drain & pissed that I gave him a supply hi. I also felt guilty and mad that I let down my guard and lost control. So I call AGAIN in the morning hungover & left a message that im sorry I offended you but more importantly im soryy I offended MYSELF by engaging in your bullshit, do not call contact me every again, loose my number. I felt bad but was getting over it as the day progressed……that night he calls me 4 times…..i dont answer but I listed to his messages & hes all excited that i cussed him out and he loves it and please will I call him back & do it again??!! Left several mesages to that effect……Iam dumfounded…hes must be playing with my head….anyway the moral of the story is STAY NO CONTACT NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!EVER EVER!!! Thank you Zari and everyone on here for your support & advice. Zari your books are fabulous thank you!
drowning
February 29, 2016 at 12:23 pmMe and my narc ended for he hundredth time a month ago. We were together on and off for four years. I work with him and now he is flaunting a new girl at work that he is dating. So it’s in my face everyday. When I see it, I don’t know what to do. I get so much anxiety. Leaving my job isn’t an option. The feeling I get when I see them is the worst feeling I ever had in my life and it’s everyday. A month ago he told me he wanted to propose and how I am the love of his life. And within two weeks he couldn’t be happy and is with her every moment he can get at work. I don’t know what to do and how to stop feeling this
Zari Ballard
March 15, 2016 at 4:36 pmHi drowning,
There’s nothing worse than having to work with a narc you’ve broken up with. Understand that he is NEVER going to change – not for you, not for the new target, not for anyone. Even though things look hunky dory with the new girl, you have to know that inevitably the relationship will take a dark turn. More sooner than later, she’ll be googling her way to this website and others like it…It’s just a matter of time.
Be happy that he’s HER problem now and enjoy the silence. And it wouldn’t hurt to put feelers out for a better job somewhere else. Just in case…it can’t hurt…you never know what you’ll find:)
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Jenny
March 15, 2016 at 4:43 pmDrowning
You will reach a time when you can laugh at this ridiculous man!
But meanwhile you will be hurting terribly . I’m sure that your colleagues will see him for the cruel moron that he us. Try to see him as being someone else’s problem now. Try to see it as being freed from a toxic relationship. I’m over a year free now… It hurt like hell at the time. But I’ve got myself back.. He’d destroyed me so much.. Now when I see photos of him with his new gf I actually see a monster… I can see the evil nasty being that he is.. He looks like a stranger… I feel sorry for the new woman… God help her…
Please take care of yourself… You will get over this… You’ve been gifted an escape route… Take it !!!!
chankla2
February 26, 2016 at 7:35 amTHE ONE&ONLY LASTING LOVE IS SELF-LOVE-, BE YOU’R OWN SOULMATE…..
As time passes we see the relationship for what it was, 2people on different paths from the get go….
Its about You what makes you happy,confident, a better life….
They’re users, period. We miss the illusion of the US, as you see were a speck of dust in their world, then blown off into oblivion w/o the blink of an eye, rinse&repeat never changes, Narcs stay in their teeny comfort zone, just few adjustments w/ea supply, period….
Better to go through change than cling to the past…..
Put the memories in box w/a black bow on it in way bk in your mind, an know if it was meant to be, it would, period….
You’re worth it, its a blessing in disguise, learn from it,
go through it to a better you…..
Success is best revenge…
Indifference is the grandest feeling,it will come…
Live&Let live, let them be….
×:×
K.Gill
February 15, 2016 at 12:03 amMy Ex boyfriend who i dated for 4 years i believe fit into that category. First off he had another gf for 8 years and still was with me for 4, most of mine and his was long distance that is why i couldn’t catch up..until last week he decided to get engaged to his gf of 8 yrs. Now i find out there was actually 10 other girls he was with throughout the 8 years. He didn’t tell me he got engaged and talked to me as if i didn’t know and wanted to make plans to meet up and i blew up b/c how dare he even talk to me esp since he jus got engaged. Now that i talk to his best guy friends, they all say I’m better off, and should feel lucky I’m not going to marry him. He manipulated girls to gain power, to get them to run errands for him and look after different sections of his business. Any time i would bring up my opinion he would shut me down like what i said didn’t matter. He would randomly give me the silent treatment and after few weeks went by he would contact me and say he was super busy or that it was my attitude that drove him away since i wouldn’t listen to him, even though I would do everything he said. When he got angry he would shout/yell/swear at the person say how their actions made him look bad, no matter who was in the room, no was allowed to question his anger. If I was having fun or was rooting for an opposite sports team playing, he would be dead silent and make everyone uncomfortable. His repetition was everything to him, so important. He would stalk other people but never post anything about his life on social media, but each time he introduced himself he would make sure everyone in the room knew who he was. I met his now fiancé a few times before, she always used to shower him with praise and i found it weird but he always said no they are just friends nothing else, she helps run his company nothing else. When he wanted to be he was an amazing guy everyone girl wanted to marry. Questions: do you think he has a Narcissist personality? Why out of all the girls did he pick his first girl then? If he did actually love her, why cheat on her? Do you think he treated her properly since he couldn’t let her go, and after marriage will they be happy together/treat her right and will he stop cheating? She and him seem so happy and i keep thinking HOW is this possible, was something just wrong with me? This fiancé is best friends with my ex’s brother and wife. So she already is close to the family.
Zari Ballard
March 3, 2016 at 12:02 pmHi K.Gill,
Thank you for writing and I think if you re-read your post and the article that you posted to, you’ll answer your own questions. The bottom line is that he is a creep…a user and a player. No matter what he is, he is nothing nice and his “bad” is as good as he’s ever going to get, girl.
Stay strong!
Zari 🙂
TryingtoMoveon
May 1, 2016 at 6:53 pmIts true, my ex N hubby also had so many girls on the side.
At first I thought it was only 1 mistress then I found out he was cheating on his mistress with another girl. You can imagine how crazy angry she went upon finding out he was also cheating on her.
How crazy is that. He would be flirting with one girl and seeing another. 1 girl per week. Considering how busy life is in NYC, it really boggles my mind HOW he was able to fit everyone in the schedule.
Holly Golightly
January 30, 2016 at 9:34 amGreat blog/web site. I have watched a narcissist from afar (he used to be a friend) torque his family and suck the air and blood from every woman he has been involved in for 10+ years. He is amazing to watch; constantly angling for compliments and giving them as a carrot in order to keep receiving them; he “ghosted” his wife of 20 years and has pretty much abandon his children, except he did show up for his daughter’s wedding last month. However, and correct me if I’m wrong; he felt so uncomfortable at the wedding since all attendees knew he was divorcing his wife that immediately following the ceremonies, he and his new “girlfriend” (very nurturing type who is probably an enabler) hooked up and went skiing for a week. He grew up with a narcissistic father-figure, so I don’t see any future for improvement (he’s 57 years old) other than continual therapy from a psychiatrist to keep his narcissism, at least, under some kind of control – if that is possible. Seems like the Narc can’t be alone, even if it means family obligations. I could go on and on ad infinitum, but Narcissism is terrifically complicated and I think that although we all have these “tendencies” it’s when they get out of control that they manifest in cruel ways. I’ve had to “catch” myself from wishing this Satanic person ill will, when he already has it – himself.
Michael
December 28, 2015 at 12:35 amReally good stuff. It’s really fascinating how, having been with a narcissist, that I already KNOW everything you wrote. It’s like I became an expert after I left him. He’s still with the guy he cheated on me with. Just married him actually. (He knew he was with me, so he got what he deserves. I’m sure it was dinancial because the narc is horrible with money and hates to work.) Yet he emailed me saying he misses me, wanting to be friends. I kept it short, after making him wait three months for my reply and said I moved on. Yeah, probably should’ve ignored him, but I’m strong enough and admittedly wanted to fuck with his head. He emailed me again 6 months later saying he was now dreaming about me and that he has such fond memories with me, blah, blah, blah and that we had some really great times together. I said I need to keep moving forward and that those times weren’t great enough obviously and that life is too short. I didn’t really expand on it.