When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
bloodbest
August 27, 2016 at 6:42 ami love your post! but how can you tell if hes not serious about his new gf if they have been traveling together and been posting happy pictures on facebook.. i have been with this ex bf for 5 years and he we broke up and got back but after we got back he decided to leave me again and said that he needed space.. and he keeps complaining about me if i try to talk to him. he mever gave me any reasons why he wants to leave and at least made an effort to work things out with me. now, he chose the new girl and they are together looking very happy and they have been traveling and he never posted any of our pictures on social media neither invited me to travel with him romantically.. we travelled because of there was an occassion.. it really hurts me and i am devastated..i was not stalking them on facebook but our friends does and unfortunately they keep asking me about it but i kept mum..???? i dont know if he is in love with the new girl, what i know is he replaced me with her after 5 years of being together he just pushed me away..
Zari Ballard
September 5, 2016 at 5:57 pmHi Bloodbest,
A narcissist never changes, that’s all I can say and I’ve never been wrong. If they’re traveling together, she’s probably paying for it. Either way, he is definitely benefiting in some way from this new “relationship”. And exes who didn’t do social media with us will always do it with the next one…happens every time. The story is intended to get back with you because he is mean and he’s a narc, that’s why. I’m sure she is a big social media person and that pressures him to do the same, especially if she’s footing the bill for all the fun. The truth, however, is that nothing is as it appears on FB…we should all know that by now. She will end up exactly where you are eventually and he will probably reach out to see if you’re in the queue. Block that bastard from ever being able to contact you again. He is not in love and he never has been with anyone. Narcs don’t feel that. In fact, they feel nothing.
You are absolutely right about not speaking about him to others and those friends who keep asking and who give you updates on his shenanigans need to be crossed off your support list ASAP, never to be spoken to again. Real friends do not do that.
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
Confused Survivor
August 20, 2016 at 7:32 pmit’s only been a month after I ended it with my ex N. He begged for me to stay how he was about to do all the things we planned for the past 3 years. This was our 2nd time together during the roller coaster relationship that was on/ off for 8 years- I forgave him so many times and believed all the things he said to have me back. I wanted so much to be his everything-his one & only. I would of done anything for him and truly thought he was everything I wanted and was so physically attracted to him.
He blocked me a week ago from fb (didn’t care) yet still text me every day how much he hurt and wanted to know he was there if he needed. Even though I know he never cared, lied, cheated and The more I find out what he has done behind my back( people telling me w/out me asking) and see I was with a stranger -I find out within a this week he already has a new girl. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he did and though I’m relieved to finally out and see him for the ugly, fake person he is- it still bothers me – why ? I know she’s nothing like me, I stayed away from social networks, I never posted selfies, I stayed clear from attention because I showed my devotion and never wanted any guy to make him. And now here he is dating someone who posts every chance, has a child (and he said he didn’t know if he wanted any ) goes out all the time , where I lost my friends and lived within 4 walls. Can you please let me know why this hurts? I definitely don’t want him, yet I still have that feeling of not being good enough, wondering why he so quickly posted pics and he would never take pics like this with me after all these years, barely acknowledged me let alone that we were together on FB and not even a week together it’s all over both their pages. Luckily I don’t want to know anymore about their happiness or all the amazing things they are doing ( more than with me I’m sure) but being sent these pics from someone I barely know, who isn’t close with him either, I can’t help but think about it- why did he hide me yet parade her around? I’m not ugly- I actually changed so much about myself from what I wore, to less makeup-to avoid fights from the attention I received from other guys when we were first together . Yet he’s with someone that he would make fun of – $ driven, fake boobs etc. can you help?
Confused Survivor
August 20, 2016 at 7:42 pm$ driven meaning gold digger, I actually have a great job and didn’t want his $$.
Zari Ballard
August 26, 2016 at 1:47 amHi Confused Survivor,
Please read through the 75 articles on this website because there is at least one if not more that provides an answer for every question you’ve asked. They will never leave us for the person that WE imagine they would…and yes, it it usually a person that they’ve talked of hating or not liking or being annoyed by or it’s that TYPE of person. This just shows that everything about them is a lie and that they have no preference at all and that no one person they target is more important than the one before or the one after – not even us. We are just the most convenient at the moment. It is NOT you, girl. Get that through your head.
If you’d ever like to talk about it, I do provide phone consultation support and every call is empowering (guaranteed). Sometimes you just have to speak with someone who’s been there, done that…who “gets” it…to finally breath free once and for all.
Stay strong…I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Andrew Benjamin
August 12, 2016 at 3:15 pm[MY MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ON MY TELEVISION SHOW AT THE END OF THE VIDEO]:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhBJpuerbo8
You get engaged and you move to Texas to close the distance. Four months later, the woman says, I don’t want this anymore, I’m not going to marry you.
You pack your things and leave the next day.
Before the plane lands, she’s “B-E-G-G-I-N-G” you to come back.
Couple of months later, you figure it was wedding jitters since she’s already been married twice.
You go back.
Two months later, she’s seeing someone else — only to find out that she’s been seeing another man the ENTIRE 2 1/2 year relationship.
Per that man’s request (no one serious, just someone she’s sleeping with), she tries to put you out on the street for nothing more than she can sleep with him in her house because she’s tired sleeping at his house. Since you have residency and she can’t do that, she calls the cops FIVE TIMES with FALSE accusations of domestic abuse so she can get the court order of protection to put you out.
She calls the so-called fiancee 5 O’clock in the morning to tell him she’s sleeping with someone and have that someone tell you she’s in good hands.
You lose 8 jobs in NY being in TX and Four jobs in TX being in NY.
And you are stuck with a $30,000 car note.
WHEN YOU GET HOME AFTER YOUR 1500 MILE — 28 HOUR DRIVE HOME, YOU CALL HER OVER 200 TIMES 9 HOURS TO GET HER TO ANSWER THE PHONE. WHEN SHE FINALLY ANSWERS AND YOU ASK HER….”WHY”….SHE’S DONE THE THINGS SHE DID, SHE TELLS YOU IT’S NOT TO HER BENEFIT TO EXPOSE HERSELF AND I NEED TO FIND MY OWN CLOSURE — AND TO LOSE HER NUMBER!
TWO WEEKS LATER SHE’S TEXTING YOU: “I’M SORRY….I TERRIBLY MISS YOU”.
IN A RAGE BECAUSE SHE’S OBVIOUSLY PLAYING WITH YOUR EMOTIONS, YOU POST HER NAKED PICS ON FACEBOOK IN A GROUP OF 20,000+ MEMBERS, WHERE IT GOES VIRAL. I’m not proud of it, but we all done things impulsively out of anger and hurt.
She’s a nurse and because of her profession she thinks she’s a decent woman.
Therefore, I have written a book and posted “EXCERPTS” of the grimy things she has done to me and throughout her life.
Everyone now knows what type of person SHE REALLY IS.
My question: “Would I hear from her again?”
Inquiring minds wanna know!
Zari Ballard
August 14, 2016 at 10:15 pmWell, Andrew, to answer your question, I wrote a book about mine and he hoovered periodically all the way up until last September so weirder things have happened…..
Andrew
October 25, 2016 at 9:02 amPeriodically on Facebook, I get friend’s request from profiles you can tell is FAKE.
Is that her — my ex hoovering?
Zari Ballard
October 28, 2016 at 5:32 pmYes, it surely is. No doubt about it.
Jazz
July 25, 2016 at 2:43 pmI work with my ex-narc, not in a usual field either. I’m the only female in a male orientated industry. He came into my life when he had his own issues going on, took my life over, moved closer to me, made strong friendships with all my friends, moved in with me, adored me, then left me….but continued to phone/txt every day and get jealous in any attempt I made to move forward. He was there for me, technically when I needed him but after the break-up said he didn’t want a relationship. Sex….no probz. Tellin me he loved me…no probz. Constant phoning/txting…no probz. His stalkin my FB page then txting to find out what I was doing…no probz but no relationship again. This went on for 1 and a half until I fell pregnant. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me, that I was a liar and I’d trapped him. I was on the pill and took the morning after pill to be extra safe. I crumbled. He told me my life wud b over, I’d have to sell my house, my car and live on benefits….then he changed his mind, told me he was ok with it, he came over, we slept together and he told me he had freaked out again and told his friend he wanted to kick me in the stomach. I gave in, I had the termination, on my own. He arrived at 3pm after I’d phoned to say it was over and he txt to say he had fist-pumped the air after phoning his mate to say it was sorted. He sat with me for abit til it was time to go, read the paper and checked his FB. Acted like he cared, said he wud txt to see how I was, which he did for afew days. A wk later, he asks to sleep with me again…the phone calls start, the txting, the I love u txts. I don’t give in to him; I cudnt put myself in that situation again, he calls me frigid: he tells me I’m a stalker for liking a pic on his sisters FB. He befriends all my close friends. He txts everytime He finds out I’m going out. He keeps telling me he still loves me, keeps saying he can’t handle a relationship, keeps tellin me how jealous he is of ppl settling down and havin family’s. Keeps ruining my life, I knew he was on dating websites. He starts tagging a girl in everything in December, he tells me he’s so happy and that he hopes I am to….a week after asking me out on a date and tellin me he can’t live without me….i can’t get rid of him, I see him everyday; I deleted FB cause we hav to many mitsie friends. He rings my family, my good friends,I feel so shitty and so helpless and want to not care. I don’t know if it’s pride or jealousy but I hate that he’s moved on and I’m stuck with the resentment, the hate that he’s now in a relationship when he cudnt commit, the hate that me made me abort my child thru fear. I hate I didn’t stand up for myself and go solo with it. I was to scared evwry1 wud hate him. I hate the weakness. I hate that I hav to see him everyday and act happy. I hate that ppl think he’s a nice guy. How do I move forward? How do I get over seeing him everyday? How do I stop the worry that he will get her pregnant and they will hav a baby together? How??
Regina
July 25, 2016 at 2:24 amFrom: Regina 06/22/16
I was in a five year abusive roller coaster of a relationship. I had no idea what the word narcissist was never heard it before. Then I was describing the yoyo abuse my boyfriend on again off again fiancée was doing to me to my coworker and he said “he sounds like a narcissist”. I then slowly began to research this term but unfortunately too slowly because another year of horrific verbal, physical and emotional abuse went by and then when my this time on again fiancée found a better qualified source of supply I was discarded. The hurt and pain has been unbearable. I loved him more than my own life. I begged him not to hurt me again when I saw him “hunting” again and just two short weeks after I recognized what he was doing. I found out on social media he was in a relationship with someone else and he was waiting for the perfect time to deliver that devastating blow to me. I saw the evil smirk on his face as he enjoyed seeing my pain when I found out. His reasoning was as he said “In his mind he wasn’t cheating because in his mind he and I weren’t together” After five years and he decides “in his mind” we weren’t together. I am finally accepting reality. He never really loved me. I was body parts and a punching bag until he found someone better. I pray that writing this will help someone else get out of a relationship with a narcissist. Don’t let anymore time pass and anymore hurt happen just end it now. No contact is the only answer.
Andrew Benjamin
June 25, 2016 at 4:52 amI’m presently proofing my newest book on relationships: “Once Again….Here We Go Again…this time….with “The Narcissist”!
The problem with Narcissism is “NO ONE” ever knows about narcissism until they encountered one — then you find yourself “Googling” What the Hell Happened?!! and become an expert.
My personal experience:
Get engaged. Moved to Texas. 4 months later — she tells me she’s not going to marry me. I pack my things and leave the very next day. Before the plane lands, she’s BEGGING me to come back!
After a couple of months later, I decide it was wedding jitters and I go back to Texas. Two months later — she’s seeing another man in Texas — only to find out she’s been seeing him the entire 2 1/2 year engagement.
Per the man’s request (no one important other than a fuck-buddy) she tries to put me out on the street when I don’t know a soul. Since she can’t put me out because I’m a resident and have to follow court procedures, she calls the cops on me five (5) FIVE times with FALSE accusations of domestic abuse (one of them for using the washing machine while I packing to leave).
When she attempted to unplug the machine, I shoved her away from the cord and she said you hit my hand and I’m calling the police and this time I’m pressing charges. Never in my life did any woman ever had to call the police on me.
One morning at 5 O’clock am, she calls me from the man’s bed to tell me she’s sleeping with someone. Then man she’s sleeping with, texts me and says she’s in good hands.
I lost 8 jobs in New York; 4 jobs in Texas; and now I have a $30,000 car note.
I’ve invested a total of 105,000 into this relationship (not including the engagement ring) and now I have nothing living with my parents.
On my birthday, she deleted all our beautiful pics from dozens on top of dozens of Facebook likes and chose to be with the man.
WHY THE FUCK DID SHE UPROOT ME FROM MY HOME (FAMILY AND FRIENDS)….TWO TIMES….TO HURT HURT ME….SOMEONE SHE CLAIM TO LOVE AND WANT TO MARRY?
What happened to the beautiful woman I fell in-love with?
What happened to the beautiful woman that claimed she loved?
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE BEAUTIFUL PERSON I ASKED TO MARRY ME ON MY TELEVISION SHOW ON YOUTUBE?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhBJpuerbo8
Those more knowledgeable than me please help me understand my deliminia.
[Upcoming book on proposal]:
She was someone that became “A FRIEND” and supported me even before she became a friend. Life is a risk. And by now everyone knows the biggest risk of all is taking a chance at loving someone.
all I have to do (which is what I always desired to do) is be creative and design the perfect proposal.
It’s easy for me to be creative, thus it became too easy to create one quickly.
Perfect day…Valentines Day!
Where…on my Television Show! What better place to profess my love for someone to the entire world than on my television show. This was never done before by anyone as far as I know.
People have proposed on Times Square’s New York City bill boards. They have proposed in Stadium Ball Parks on the Vision Screen. In the middle of shopping malls in front of the shoppers.
Even in the movie “Anger Management” with Adam Sandler, he almost got arrested when he interrupted a Yankee’s baseball game to profess his love for his woman.
So how can my way be even crazier?
Now I’m thinking, how should this be done?
That came to me easy too. I always wanted to recite the greatest love poem of all time, Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s, Sonnets from the Portuguese, # 43: “How do I love thee…Let me count the ways”.
This was an actual love poem written from Elizabeth to her husband. Anyone that watched “Bugs Bunny” cartoons would know the poem because it was often recited time and again whenever a Looney Toon character was in love.
How should this be executed?
That came easy for me too.
Blindfold her – so all she can focus on is the words and feel my passion.
Now I have to fight to get the studio date I want from Bric Media House. Their policy is you have to book the studio EXACTLY on the 30th day from the date you want it. If someone get’s the request before you, you are fresh out of luck unless that person relinguishes his date to you.
A woman I was attracted to (which is why I stayed away from her) help me get the date I wanted. She’s one of the senior producers at the facility and welds a lot of power; and often gotten me out of jams with technical problems during my tapings.
Everything is set. I flew Lilith in that time because she said it’s not fair to her that when I come to Houston, I don’t have to pay for hotel stay, and she has the car notes and insurance to pay and I have no responsibilities.
She’s right, and I didn’t care. So I paid for her flights to and from and the hotel stay. Food and everything else would be on me as well. All she has to do is bring her pretty little self.
One problem! Never depend on guest. They will tell you up to the night before, “I’M DEFINITELY COMING” – and call you the next day with some bullshyt story about how they can’t make it – leaving you stranded.
[The day of the event….]
Lilith arrives the night before and once again I give her a tour of New York City. She arrived the night before because she was to help me set up for the show. Help me cook for the guest the morning of the show, help bring the food to the show, be the Hospitality Host and get the permission slips signed by the guest.
However, as perfect as I tried to make this, the lack of guest was a problem. Instead of the 25 people that said they were coming, only two (2) showed up!
I spent an hour looking for extras to attend the show. I even went outside and tried to pull people off the street to attend, and offered them free food.
Normally, when you offer people “free food” at an event, they will attend.
I explained to them that I was proposing to my woman and I need an audience, but I could only find one person that would help me out, and he was from the studio’s facility.
Well the show MUST go on! That’s the showbiz slogan. Therefore, I went along with the show and winged it.
For a show that wasn’t scripted – it was perfect (as far as the taping was concerned). You will soon learn what I’m talking about as the story commences.
In the meantime, this is the show that went on:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhBJpuerbo8
She said “YES”. She said “YES”. I’ve never been happier!
I’ve finally, FINALLY, love someone that loves me back!
Holly
June 27, 2016 at 3:20 pmI loved the way you relayed your story! Please write your book. Your message and delivery was loud and very very clear without all the fluff and irrelevant details that only serve as a distraction and catharses for the writer.
Glad you found your true love; sorry you had to go through the meat grinder to find her.
Zari Ballard
June 28, 2016 at 4:47 pmI’m pretty sure that he didn’t find his true love. The girl in the video was the narcissist. It was a little confusing but I figured it out….LOL
Zari:)
Faith
June 24, 2016 at 9:17 pmI wonder if my first comment never went through. I met my husband January 2015, I was a single mom with a good job, owned my own home and had just put myself into the online dating world after two and a half years spent focusing on God, serving in two mission trips to Honduras and asking God to make me into a good spouse. I was sure He would provide a husband. Enter my husband: good looking, savvy, confident. He pursued me from a town two hours from mine. He came to my place every day off, cooked me and my daughter dinner, went to church with us, I would go there on the weekends he had to work and spend time the entire weekend, giving up my Sunday morning church services at my home church. Our first date was to an children’s choir program. He told me he loved me on the first date. I was enthralled. He bought groceries, took us to dinner, bought my daughter and me gifts. Including a $700 camera for me after I just mentioned I wanted one. Everything was perfect! We married 4 months later. I moved to his town, rented out my house, switched my daughters school, left my family, my friends, my job of eight years, my church where I was on two committees and taught children. He has a big family and he immediately wanted me to integrate with them and I did. I didn’t ever really disagree with him. I had learned early in life to pick my battles. And we got along great. Until we didn’t. When I had to start asking him to not spend so much. When I started getting upset he’d leave to hang with a buddy and I was left at the house. Anyway, fast forward to April of this year. I was 5 months pregnant and found out he was having an affair. He played me back and forth for two weeks until I finally moved back to my town and moved back into my house. He hasn’t given me a dime to live on. He got mad when I cancelled a club membership and called me about that but nothing about how the pregnancy is going. He even texted me after and said how bitter I was due to cancelling that and he hoped I was having a good time. I think he is a narcissist. The problem I struggle with is I was never really devalued. But then again I think I guess he didn’t have to because I was so submissive. I didn’t really do much outside of what he told me to do. He is still with the other woman. I found a text to her that said he was in love with her and married to me. That was how I found out in April. They had only been seeing each other 3 weeks and he was in love! He abandons me and I can’t even find a job being so far along in my pregnancy. He says he closed his heart to me when I was “mean” to his daughter in another state when we visited in March. I admit I came off jealous because he treated my daughter and his so differently and I started wondering if he’d do the same with our son and my daughter. It scared me and I took it out on him, never his daughter. So the one argument we have in over a year of being together and he cheats and moves on.
I’ve went no contact, hired a lawyer and a waiting on the slow court system to make him give me some money until the baby gets here. He doesn’t seem to care or have any regrets or remorse for his actions. He hasn’t even tried to contact me. Didn’t hire a lawyer himself or respond to the motion that was filed. It’s like I never existed. How did this happen to me? Why did he pick me? I don’t understand. I’m doing better as time goes by but I have a hard time not “checking in” on his life via social media. It’s like a wound I can’t stop picking at. How do I stop this?
Of course this is a short version of all my story. I’ve now come to find out he lied so much in the beginning of our relationship. We didn’t even go to church like he pretended we would after we were married. He lied about his ex (we talk now) and she lets me talk to my stepdaughter as often as we’d like. He actually just lost the right for his daughter to visit him in his state because I’m no longer in the picture (he was in a visitation situation since he lived 1000 miles away). How can he not see he has ruined his own life too? I guess it’s hard to see that when the new woman has two kids he can “be a dad to” and has a place on the lake with jet skis ( of which he tried convincing me to let us buy when married but he’s already ruined our credit with a car purchase) and is having a good time for the summer.
I can’t stand the thought that she might be his “one” and that I meant nothing!