When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Sherri
November 29, 2015 at 8:59 pmMy ex left our marriage and I had to make him file. I was just discovered by his second wife (a good detective I might add) and she shared with me that he did the same to her, but now twin boys in the picture. She began to inform me of his now third wife, young enough to be her daughter and we both know that we were once her and that one day she will be just like us. It’s scary how predictable this man is. He played the charm, charisma, and romance out in the exact way for all of us and even the others that were short affairs. The letters, poems, trip after trip with love bombing like crazy!!! The third wife has been warned, but will have to learn her own hard way just as we did. The longer she is with him the harder it will be to recover. Her daughter will experience the same abuse and will be even harder for her to recover. No man of power and money is ever worth the pain of this abuse and long recovery.
These men are masked with a evil heart and I can only pray for the ones who are stuck in the fairytale and don’t know it till it’s too late. Please study this personality disorder and watch for the red flags. If you detect them be sure to run and never look back!!!
Good luck from a still recovering abused woman of a highly narcissistic ex husband.
Chantal
November 26, 2015 at 11:08 amHi!
Not sure if this is narcissist behavior, but here my story:
I’ve been separated from my husband of 10 years, 5 months ago. As of today, we are unfortunately still living together until everything about the separation will get final…hopefully soon. He met someone 3 months ago, a person that he’s working with since a year. If I go back, I remembered him talking about her, how cool she was and how pretty she was for her age. She’s 9 years older than him. The interest was there anyway and it is about a year that thing was starting to go down the hill with me and him.. It was hard for me at the beginning, but I am ok with it today. He’s not sleeping at home anyway, which make thing better in the house.
He keep telling me how happy he is with the decision to leaving me, that in the last 10 years he felt that I was more like his little sister than his wife. That he had more sex in 3 months with her that he have with me in 10 years. That I am the most boring person that he end up with and if he have to start back over that he will make sure to stay away from me. I feel that I wasted 10 years of my life. I am more than ready to move on, but how can you do when he’s coming at home anytime to take a crap, showered, do his laundry and eat my food…the guy can’t afford to go away and I keep telling him that she’s the one who need to support him for now on. He’s threatening me to take away my daughter, to take my house…calling me names (I am guilty at that too).
After we have my daughter, 5 years ago, our schedule was off track and didn’t have a lot of time to spend with each other. And when we did, we were spending it with our daughter. So we lost track of each other…that is the main reason why of our break up…That’s all. But with the things that he keep telling me make me believe that he actually never loved me. He was just using me to supported him.
He is not capable to love, I don’t think he will be able with her either. Honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever anyway. I told him that I am happy for him with his new relation and hope that he will treat her better than he did with me. That I loved him but I was not happy with him.
I want to be in love, but I am in a position right now that I am not sure if I will be capable to love or trust anyone else again.
Hope I will be able to start my new life for the new year and put everything else in the past.
Chantal
Paris
November 24, 2015 at 8:02 pmI don’t use any social media. Never have. He told me weekly how happy he was with his latest one. He married her because he was “lonely”. That’s what he told our children. More like INSECURE. He tells me he is a totally different person. I know the truth. But I don’t care. He has to live with his lies & inner unhappiness, not me anymore.
Catherine
November 17, 2015 at 5:52 amDearest Zari,
I wanted to check in to let you know i am still doing fine.
I am looking forward to the first proper Xmas with my Beau, that real genuine excitement.
It has been 18 months and I have never been so happy.
The 3 Christmases I was with the devil for I spent alone as he was with his family and I was not allowed!
It’s funny the things I have realised recently… so many discrepancies and more lies I have uncovered… the list is endless.
It shocks me how everything in 2.5 years was a complete lie, a life full over manipulation…. I still cannot get my head around it!
I never ever thought I would be happy again, I am so glad I stumbled upon your website, I would never have been able to escape the Devil otherwise.
The Devil himself is still with his victim (over a year on) and I have to keep reminding my self that “not all that glitters is gold”
I know in my heart that despite the loving photos on social media, she has most definitely seen the darker side to him…. she has no idea what will eventually be her fate!
I know, and it is that knowledge that keeps me sane, that one day her story will be mine!
As much as it sounds terrible…. I hope her fate will be the same…. I do occasionally question if it will happen…. over a year later and still appear to be happy?
I want to thank you again for all the time and support you have given us all…. as I have said before, you truly are angel and a lifesaver for many of us.
Zari, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic New Year.
I will check in again in the coming months.
Thank you for everything.
Love Cat xxxx
Zari Ballard
December 5, 2015 at 2:34 pmHi Catherine!!!
Again, so late in responding but I knew you’d understand. I think of you often because ever since I went to your Facebook that one day, I realized how much you look like one of my best girlfriends. I hadn’t thought of it at first until we were out together and here she’s talking to me and all I can think of is that she suddenly looked like someone I knew or someone I knew looked like her. And I’ve known her like 20 years – we were roommates after my divorce and have been through a lot together. We’re as good as sisters. So, later that night, out-of-the-blue, it dawned on me that it was you so I checked your Facebook quick to be sure and there you were! Anyway, so every time I see her or think of her, I also think of you! ha-ha! And you’re my sister too!
I couldn’t be happier for you. You know, when you first started dating again (the wonderful beau), I remember telling you that it wasn’t a good idea and that you needed to wait it out. I worried that it was too soon and that you would get hurt again even quicker than before maybe. I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO ME because look what happened. You are literally the exception to the rule of rebounding. I am so grateful that you are happy and healthy and that you’ve found your true love. He needs to be cloned so that we can all get one:)
And as for you-know-who, he is what he is and he will always be nothing more. Eventually, she will find her way to this site just like we all do. yes, she will suffer the same fate – it’s guaranteed – and he will continue on his merry way. It’s just a matter of time, that’s all.
Have an awesome Christmas & New Years! Sending love and big hugs across the continents to you and yours…
Sisters forever,
Zari xo
Beth
November 11, 2015 at 10:04 pmHi,
I have a question and I’m a little worried about my Possible safety.
I used to work with my ex narc. (He got moved to another venue within the same Company soon after things started to come out about him, he knows the state manager who transferred him before things went public and he most likely would have
Gotten sacked for sexual harassment)
Anyways I completely cut him off after I found out the extent of his ways post discard as it all “clicked” and
I realised I wasn’t crazy
(I was suffering serve anxiety and depression when I was with him
and after and I was diagnosed with PTSD, this is when I found out what had been happening to me. I honestly thought I was just overreacting and needed to “relax” as he’d tell me all the time so it was a relief to have some sense of it all)
I haven’t heard from him since he was transferred but there’s always a seed of worry in my mind he will come back. Even after things ended (when I was stupid enough to still believe his lies) he used to talk about us together in the future (which confused me) and this grew greater when I let it slip that I’m due to get a pretty big trust at the end of the year which I was going to start my own business with. I knew he was just attempting to lead me on so rebuffed him a bit. Which had him tell people at work I’m way too dominate.
Anyway my point and question.
My ex narc lives with one of my
Coworkers (and his new gf he moved in with her within less than month of knowing her!)
Initially post break up he tried to push such coworker onto me, saying how perfect we would be together etc. Such coworker started hitting on me all the time until I found out what ex narc was really like and started to keep my distance from anyone still in touch with him.
I thought at the time this push of another guy onto me was to distract me from the fact he had been cheating on me and was already with one of the other girls. But I’m starting to think it’s a control thing and was an effort to keep me in his life at a distance.
Such coworker always watches me and
Asks me where I was when I don’t see him around work for a while and is starting to pry one of my guy friends at work about personal info about me (whom dating, where I’m living, if I’m happy Etc)
Am I just being paranoid or could my ex narc be keeping tabs in me via this coworker?
If so what should I do?
Beth
November 11, 2015 at 10:09 pmAlso although my ex narc never physically hit me (he grabbed
Me a few times but never struck) he threatened me several times and proceeded to tell me he would “f*** me on the side of the road, the show me that I was still his” when my phone went off while we were driving and he thought it was another guy. This was post him ending things with me.
Zari Ballard
November 14, 2015 at 8:47 pmHi Beth,
Well, sure, it could be him keeping tabs on you via this co-worker but why even worry about it? You’re under no obligation to give this person anything but co-worker civility and you certainly aren’t obligated to answer questions about your personal life at all. In fact, you could tell him to stop it if you wanted to. The fact that he lives with your ex is reason enough to keep this person at arm’s length at all times. This shouldn’t be hard at all to do since you’re at work. Just walk away. You don’t have to be rude (unless you want to) but you don’t have to be overly nice either. And you certainly don’t need to volunteer information – even on a friendly basis.
I don’t think this co-worker is the issue, though. I think what you’re wondering about is whether your ex is hoovering, trying to come back, or get information so he knows where you stand, etc. Again, don’t worry about it. If he hoovers on his own, ignore it. Block him. Make it impossible for him to contact you. Now, if you are REALLY worried for your safety relative to the trust, that’s a whole different story but, from what you’ve shared, I don’t know why you would be. If he was that interested in the trust, he probably wouldn’t have left early, know what I mean? And if he starts rearing his ugly head around the time you get it or before, you obviously know WHY he’s there and he can go to hell.
No, you’re in control here. Don’t talk to this co-worker on a personal level and don’t tell anyone about the trust going forward. Nothing to worry about..just stay on top of the game and rely on what you know to be true.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Beth
November 14, 2015 at 9:36 pmThanks Zari,
After much thought I don’t think he would try to hurt me physically or come around to work. I broke down to my Boss during the height of my PTSD so he knows what’s went on and won’t allow my ex back into work so I do feel safe there, Im more so worried he’s just waiting for another low point in my life and will try and manipulate his way back in with all his bs apologies and love bombing as he seemed certain of us reuniting later on (when I had my businesses and money, he wanted to work for me) and that he could pretty much have me when he wanted.
I still at times question whether it all happened or if I’m just overreacting but rereading these sort of articles and others I have bookmarked helps me get rid of these thoughts and makes sense of the my thoughts which he had all jumbled for long.
The thing that gets to me most is that because he ended it he’s painted me as this sad little girl still pinning for him so he keeps tabs on me through other coworkers too with the premise he still cares about me and wants to know how I’m doing and if im ok. I just hate that people still think of him as kind and caring when he’s nothing but poison and manipulating them.
Other than staying away from such coworker he lives with and blocking him and my ex social media, which I’ve done.
Do you have any other recommendations or precautions I should take to stop him coming back especially if he gets me at a weak moment?
I’m working on my self confidence and starting putting myself out there more and to my surprise I have a lot of other male attention (my ex used to tell me and make me feels like I should be grateful he was paying someone as weird as me attention as nobody else would)
I’m not ready to date yet. Ended up crying when a man I started dating started to me cuddle freely and lovingly as my ex would dangle and use affection to punish and reward me. So I know it’s not time to build that sort of relationship yet but I knew I would like to down the track.
Any tips for getting over these hurdles and ways to help allow myself to let someone in again?
Zari Ballard
November 15, 2015 at 1:47 pmHi Beth,
I knew what you were really worried about but I am grateful that your Boss “gets it” and won’t allow him back into your workplace. Look, there’s only so much we can work out here in the forum because there’s so much to say and compare and talk about. I recommend that , when you can or when you’re ready, you book a phone consultation with me so that we can speak one-on-one. I offer three consultation packages and I’ve tried to keep it very affordable so that everyone can take advantage of an opportunity to actually talk about it. You’d be amazed how quickly a conversation with someone who has been EXACTLY where you’re at can turn things around. Here’s the link to the consultation page so you can take a look. Consultations are casual, comfortable, and we can talk about anything and everything. Of course, you can always reach me here and I will help as best that I can but a real-time conversation can be very empowering.
You’re right about it not being time for you to date. I’ve waited now three years and I can honestly say that NOW I’m ready but I wouldn’t have been just a year or so ago. There’s so much to work through within ourselves…how these assholes made us feel…and we have to get back to where we were before the encounter. It’s possible and I’m proof of that.
My books will also help you and they are available at Amazon. You will see yourself in my story – I guarantee it. Also, for all those who book consults, I provide PDF copies of all three of my books for free and I get them out to you right away. Think about it, girl, because getting better needs to start NOW so that no more time is wasted in your life.
Stay strong and I wish you nothing but the best! I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Lisa
November 11, 2015 at 7:21 pmThank you for this post. LOL. I just got an email from my ex 2 hours ago. We broke up six months ago. Or should I say he dumped me. Let me say this another way so anyone reading this will get the picture: HE OWNED ME. He is 10 years my senior. I gave him every single bit of me. He gave me false hopes, promises, and dreams. Sprinkled with a healthy dose of ridicule, jealousy, put-downs and at the end — verbal and emotional abuse. We were together for about six months. He swept me off my feet. Said everything right. I thought he was my prince. He is a prince of darkness and I’m not being funny. I met this THRICE divorced narcissist at an online job. I had just ended a different bad relationship with a different narcissist. I felt alone and felt that I needed someone to love me. The someone I needed to love me was ME!!
So Mr. New Narcissist and I embark on a fantasy relationship of epic proportions. My ex asked me to marry him within 2 MONTHS of our relationship. Red flag number one. This man was tall, dark, and handsome. He is well spoken, though not highly educated. He comes off very much the gentleman. He’s suave, pretends to be sophisticated and educated, and can charm the skin off of a snake.
After two months of talking on the phone he DEMANDED I move to live with him. We live in different cities about 8 hours away. He also asked me to marry him. Just out of the blue. We were still getting to know each other but again, ladies (and gents) I was swept up in HIS fantasy web and my own low-self esteem and bruised emotions. I agreed.
Our online job was grueling and paid very little. I got the both of us new jobs at a much better company. It doubled both of our pay. I got him the interview; gave him the interview questions and he got the job. I too was hired. Before the new job started, I was offered a different job that was not remote in my city. That new offer was for 3 times my old salary.
Instead of being happy for me he became distant and quiet anytime I brought up the new job. He then told me I could only work the job for 6 months and then I must move to his city and apply for a similar job in his city.
He also informed me I needed to bring “EVERYTHING I OWN WITH ME” including my backyard shed. I asked where all of his belongings were: “lost in the divorce.”
Other lies: he was married 3 times not 2; He said his deceased brother left him land. His deceased brother left him NOTHING. His brother was living in their dilapidated childhood home and died on the sidewalk up the street. My ex filed court documents to be named the executor of his deceased brother’s estate as the brother did not leave a will nor did the brother have heirs. When he moved into the house it had no running water I found out later and he was living there like that while he was trying to demand I move there. LOL.
Other lies: He kept saying “my kids” but claimed to only have 1 daughter.
He initially told me that he’d slept around when he was younger but always used condoms; he later confessed that he slept with hundreds of women unprotected and had an HIV scare
The lies go on and on.
I took the new online job and turned down the dream job. Yes, I’m that stupid. I thought I had a future with this man. During the stress of everything that happened I began to eat my emotions and gain weight. That was the last straw.
He started to see other people (without telling me). He began to verbally abuse me about my weight and appearance. He literally treated me like dirt.
There’s a lot more to it but the bottom line is he used me for all he could get and then treated me like dirt. During our last conversation he really let me have it. Then told me that he treasured my friendship and hoped we could stay friends.
I deleted all of his contact information. I still “saw” him at our new online job but did not speak to him at all. He texted me the day after he dumped me and asked me if I was okay. I texted “Yes.” Two weeks later he texted me that another distant brother had died. I texted back my condolences. He started contacting me at work. I gave one word responses. “Hello.” I utterly and completely ignored him. And that was very hard to do because I still deeply loved him. But I knew that I had to hurt through it and get him all the way out of my life.
Two months ago he contacted me at work when I was not at work. Asking me if I’d just called him through the work phone system. I advised him I did not. Two weeks later he contacted me again about the same thing. I asked for screen shots. I told him I was not at work at those times and the system indicated it. It was a know bug that caused that to happen. But his ego is so big and he’s so sure I want him back that he made himself believe I was coming into work to call him using the work phone system!! LOL. And I had his home and cell phone numbers. This is just amazing. So I put him back on ignore and went on with life.
Then he texted me one day telling me that he heard something on the radio that reminded him of me. I said, “Okay.” LOL. No response.
I went back to ignoring him. He then starts IM’ing me at work when we were scheduled at the same time. I gave back polite but brief responses. He stopped for about two weeks.
On Monday he IM’s me and tells me how he got in trouble at work, yadda, yadda, yadda. He’s a jerk. LOL. He’s always in trouble at work. He was in trouble at our last job and I supported him. He asked me to call him the next afternoon. I did not agree to call and had zero intention of doing so. Plus I couldn’t if I wanted to. I don’t have his number.
He called me. I took the call. This is how he started the call…”Hi Lisa…” Me: “Ummm…hi. So there’s a problem at work. What’s going on.” Him: “Well, I guess I’m a belligerent a$$hole.” Me. “Oh, I see.” He then says “I hope you’re ready for a lot of cursing and swearing. I hope you can handle it.” I do not curse. One way he used to try to abuse me was by using vulgar language. I am a Christian. He pretends to be. So he would talk nasty and swear to upset me.
I told him I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t heard from him before. He then goes into this diatribe about how he was being picked on. OF COURSE! How dare your boss call you on being on Youtube when you should be working! LOL. He emails me some documents where he was given praise AFTER the final warning they gave him. Why I do not know.
We talk shop about work for 10 minutes and then the call ends.
The next day he emails me and tells me that I’m a close friend and that I taught him so much about forgiveness and life and that he has a new girlfriend who has moved into the unfinished house after 5 months and they are like PB&J. He finally got some appliances, etc., etc. LOL. He invited me to have dinner with them if I’m ever in that part of the state so we can all sit around and laugh at how crazy OUR relationship was. New girlfriend is an HR manager (living in a 700 sq ft house without furniture or appliances) and she’s had some crazy relationships too. LOL. And he is TRULY happy and I’m a wonderful person who deserves love. I kid you not.
Now to the untrained eye this was a goodwill email. To someone who has had her life controlled by two narcissists (I let them!) it is not.
Because I ignored him and did not come grovelling back his pride is hurt. I could not care less about this man or his life. He told me that he contacted me so that I don’t WORRY ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is incredible. Either he’s lying or he found someone dumber than me. Either way I DON’T CARE. I will not give him the satisfaction of rehashing the nightmare relationship, becoming bitter, or contacting him. All contact has been from HIM to ME. Yet I’m sure he’s telling himself that I still want him.
I’ve bookmarked this blog. I will be reading every post on here. LOL. I do not ever want one of these sort of people in my life again. I’ve done a lot of work on myself since this all happened and will continue to grow so that this never happens to me again. Ladies, learn from my mistakes!!!
I kid you not. He just emailed me this.
Zari Ballard
December 11, 2015 at 7:32 pmHi Lisa,
I know it’s been a month since your post but I had to comment on this idiot’s email. You, of course, know that all he was hoping to do was get a rise out of you. What a wonderful dinner party that would have been, right?! LOL Block him at all costs and via all avenues so that he can not contact you anymore. He knows that even a tidbit every so often will get you thinking and he is NOT worth a single thought or a second of your time.
Stay strong and thanks for sharing!
Zari xo
Jo
November 9, 2015 at 12:33 pmHi Zari,
I had hoped not to have needed to read your posts again. Not that I do not enjoy them, but because I would be strong enough not to need the support. I thought I was over and done with my N. I was fine. After 4 years of pain and anxiety, it was finally done. I actually moved across the country. He swooped back in and actually flew here to see me. We had an amazing time. He talked about moving to my new city with his son. He said he’d visit every 3 weeks. He went back home and called me and messaged me everyday. It was almost too much but felt fresh at the same time. I guess I fell for it again without even knowing it. On Saturday night, while he was busy texting me, I found out (by chance) that he had taken the girl he originally cheated on me with almost 2 years ago on an overnight date to a nearby city. I was literally devastated. I went crazy. He wanted to talk and we did and now I am grasping at anything. I spent 3 days in bed and all i can think about is if he’s happy, if he’s treating her amazingly, if he loves her, if he chose her over me. I guess he has been on and off with her for almost 2 years of our four year relationship. IS what they have real and what we had fake? I am so lost again.