When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Lena
November 9, 2015 at 1:04 amThis article was so on point! I completely relate to this. My ex narc asked me to marry him and move in. I was clouded by his love bombing and believed everything he was telling me, so naive. He romaticised having a baby together and I fell for it. Luckily I coukdnt get pregnent because of all the stress and anxiety. He was controlling, verbally abusive, played on all my insecurities and fears, took advantage of my kind heart and compassion, even put me down for having so much empathy for others. He had no empathy. Hated everyone. His mother, sister, strangers in the streets. Life was a game and competition, and he was always trying to ” one up ” me. I felt like more his enemy than his lover. I couldn’t take it. I moved out, left him. He spent 2 years hoovering me off and on. All while he was sleeping with other women and even got someone pregnant. He tried to one up me and hurt me with the news. While I spent 2 years trying to heal my heart and mind, he was off using others to feed his damaged ego and emotional problems. I have no Respect for him, I see him as weak, and un able to be alone. Needy and dangerous, an emotional bomb waiting to explode. Always needing women to make him feel worthy. He was unpredictable and I am still scared of being forced to see him. I feel sorry for his child because his love is conditional based on a certain set of rules. You have to live up to them or he will punish you with emotional, and mental abuse. I felt like I was in prison when I was with him.
Hayley
November 2, 2015 at 2:33 pmMy was with my N for 10yrs (on and off) 12 months since he discarded me and just 2 months since we last spoke.
He was amazing when I met him although looking back now my gut told me something was not quite right. He was weird in so many ways, controlling had serious OCD and demanded I send him naked pictures.
He bought me endless presents even a brand new car and amazing holidays and expensive weekends to hotels (the Dorchester) being one of them and a dressing gown and slippers waiting for me when we checked out..
The silent treatments started early into the relationship and never questioned them I just thought it was my fault and I had upset him, within a few days he was back to me with tickets to a London show..
I started buying books about abuse and then found narcissm it ticked every box..
After an amazing holiday to his time share he discarded me saying I was a liar and a cheat and how he found never trust me. I see now it was projection and I now realise what all the cuts were on his arms and legs regularly that he didn’t want to talk about..
I loved him so much and I still miss him and think of him each day but now with someone new which hurts as prior to this we were looking at houses together but when I started to question the texts that arrived on his phone, the women’s magazines I found in his car and catching him on plenty of fish he realised I had to go..
Your book and all the websites I have been on searching for answers it feels like all of us on here were dating the same man our stories are so similar.
I prey I like others will one day be able to put this all behind me…
Susan
October 29, 2015 at 10:54 amOh my god! So true! To the letter. These sites have help me tremendously and I am grateful for this type of information. This is helping me heal so much more and quicker. Thank you!
rachel
October 26, 2015 at 11:19 pmi just don’t seem to be able to believe that he really is this bad sociopath….at the end i began to believe he was just being shitty because he didn’t love me or even like me. I never knew what made him just turn on me when I had been such a true friend and never let him down. When i see him treating her like a princess and she has none of the hardship…People say no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but i know he likes degrading people in public with an audience of his minions….he’d embarass me in public, like he didn’t want to be associated or else just cut you down. She gets the kid gloves because she has value…he can show her off to his buddies….like good riddance to me….Its so hard to explain….Im getting older and this business of healing so the next guy is a’good one’ doesn’t work for me. But the isolation and crushing lonliness seems so unfair on top of financial losses and difficulty finding housing. Yup, sometimes we can’t really start over and kick ass. How i wish just once i could be looking great, doing something cool, laughing with friends and have him run into me where I could win and not always have the bad luck of him seeing me wretched & miserable. He knows how hard my situation still is. He did it on purpose. Why does he hate me, I never hurt him?
rachel
October 26, 2015 at 10:57 pmI had a 6yr relationship with a psychopath & almost 2 years NC but I’m not better off and happier etc. like some targets are after the discard. And he made sure he had everything all set up so he would thrive and i would have zero. He moved 61/2 blocks down the street and the smear & distortion campaign was so slick and effective that i’m still in shock and struggle beleiving all the horrible things i found out that he was saying and doing behind my back and how well he convinced friends, family, neighbors, clients, the police, the courts that i was this evil sick bad person. I had nothing left to move forward with. it was a complete take-down. And as lame as this sounds, it just kills me that he’s 40yrs. old but gets some adoring, compliant 21 yr. old slim blonde with an infant or two…..that he’s shows off & seems soooo happy. She gets completely taken care of……stable home life, all the furnishings, latest digital gear, food, laundry, friends, familiy, BBQ’s, parties, love & companionship. Like he’s the big hero. Of course, I was painted as the pathetic desperate rejected ex-girlfriend who’s crazy blah, blah.blah. Everyone says… well, who wouldn’t want that? Im just jealous & he just used me till he found something better etc. He doesn’t love you + never did…..It’s been like slow death, just kept hearing one thing after another and it’s all so awful and humiliating and I didn’t have enough going on that was good in my life to help me carry on….no friends or family or kids. We moved all the time and it was really hard times…..lots of temp work + seasonal jobs. I was starting over after a divorce + a violent assault and he had 2 suitcases and was sleeping on his sister’s couch.
Now he’s doing great and absolutely hates me….he saw me once at the bank and just stared like he was going to kill me…..its been hell. I keep thinking he must love her and finally met the special one he wanted and treated me so bad because he didn’t like me. I did love him and treated him better than any other relationship because i thought he saw the real me we both worked outdoors & met on the job. Thought he liked my type of girl, one of the guys, good at lots of stuff, friendly, attractive, hard worker. Now i doubt everything and don’t know what’s true and feel ashamed, undesirable, lost and without my old confidence.
Zari Ballard
November 6, 2015 at 7:44 pmHi Rachel,
I’m sorry that he has taken so much from your heart on the way out, girl. This guy, however, is a complete piece of shit and shouldn’t be given the time of day from you. It seems to me that, given two years has passed, you know way too much about what he’s been doing, who he’s with, what he’s been saying, etc. The fact that he apparently was able to convince every single person in that town that you were the culprit tells me that this town must be very, very small and you would do best to pack up and move to the next town over. Why stay there? Cut the ties that bind, Rachel, and get out of there. It doesn’t matter what anything APPEARS to be because it’s all a crock of shit. Narcissists never change – ever. Sure, they get to start over but only until it happens again…until the chaos gets to the new target and the push-pull begins again.
Two years is far too long to be stuck in the mud. With the ex just a few streets down, I can see how that could happen but how are you hearing all this stuff that he says and who are all these people who like to keep you up-to-date on his shenanigans and why are you even associating with them at all? I realize that you’re looking for answers but this is a narcissist that you were dealing with and there simply aren’t any easy answers at all. His whole life is about what he can get away with…that’s all it is. The fact that he had to smear your name in order to clear his own just shows what a complete loser he is and how UNSPECIAL he truly is/was. It’s time to dust yourself off and get the hell out of dodge – wherever you live just doesn’t sound conducive to any kind of recovery. With, as you say, no friends, family, or kids to hold you there, I’d say it was time to move on where you can REALLY get a fresh start.
Stay strong, sister, and you really are NOT alone in the fight!
Zari xo
Gretal
October 25, 2015 at 10:18 pmWell just what i needed to hear to be indifferent thankyou for the reminder i cant wait ,one month of no contact, i ended it and did not want to keep in touch with him pleading while he has new supply, it dragged on because i would take him off block on my phone , wish i never had , pointless , i got from him all the his life is good now i might not believe it, ofcourse i fell for it , once his mask is fully off , like it was with me , all i got was no intimacy , constant putdowns, im the one with the job the car etc im just so angry that for some reason i feel like the loser ! Makes no sense and im not going to try to make sense of it , i feel some kind of shame but i have a feeling its not mine , everything gets blurred ! I dont give a rats ass what its doing ! It was boring you dont exist when you are with them you are just an extension of them after the fake guy is gone , could not give a rats ass about your needs ! Wants! Nothing ! They live a boring angry volitile life ! Few days ago i thought i saw car parked down my street , ph call where i picked up the ph and no one spoke including me lol , all this nonsense!!!!! While he has new supply!!!
Childish and shalloww! I never thought mine yuck @ mine would use the life is good now , i read about it online , but he did , text book nark , you get abused in some form or another everyone does who is in contact with them , without a doubt !! Runnnnnnnnn!!!!!
Sharon Duggan
October 20, 2015 at 8:43 pmDear Zari
After reading your blog I am sitting here with a genuine smile on my face for the first time in a long, long time 🙂
Though I left the Scumbag a couple of years ago, I continued to suffer at the hands of this N and have been enduring a very bitter battle over the divorce settlement. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t moving on, why I was so controlling, why I was devoid of any emotion, why I was so focussed on money, why…. why….. why…..????? Why, as an intelligent woman with a successful career who was well liked and respected at work, did I not have friends???? Why did I fail at this relationship????
Well, now I know. It’s NOT me!
I am so grateful for the stranger who suggested NPD. I had reached the stage where I could articulate the behaviour and did so at every chance I got. I started to annoy myself with my ‘addiction’ to keep repeating stories but I know see that it was because I couldn’t explain what had happened to me nor identify how to deal with it.
It’s been a revelation to finally understand what I experienced. With my newfound knowledge, the support of blogs like yours and others sharing their own experiences I now feel I can shut the door on the past. I’ve got the ‘tool’s to move forward. I know I’ll stumble at times but I’ll take comfort that there is always someone out there who will give me the encouragement to succeed.
Thank you for your blog and to everyone who has shared. I wish everyone health and happiness on their journey to be freedom from their own N.
Sharon x
Zari Ballard
October 24, 2015 at 11:08 pmHi Sharon,
Thanks for visiting the website and for sharing some inspiration with everybody here. And nope, it wasn’t you! Isn’t it amazing to get that validation…to finally be able to identify and put a name to the events that happen in your own life? Unless someone has been experienced this type of weirdness in a relationship, they simply can’t wrap their head around it. This is why is takes such a long time to get the validation we need to get up and out of the madness. It’s such a covert operation, isn’t it?
Thank God you’re free! I wish you nothing but the best and come anytime to share the journey. I appreciate you:)
Zari xo
Kristen
November 1, 2015 at 9:12 pmI’m recently out of a four year so called relationship with a narcissist- I’ve never new of such disorder everything I’ve been reading hits the head! I relate to everything I’ve read stories and blogs I’ve read it makes so much sense now that I’m aware of this- I’m so thankful now I know about this disorder had I not started researching this I would have stayed wasting my time with this- my narcissist ex accused me of everything being my fault- he did no wrong he blamed me why he cheated and why he talked to other woman- I truly feel sorry for the new gf because she has no clue ;( what has been keeping me moving forward is my faith I have disconnected myself from him I deleted fb I’ve changed my number in the past but know that stronger I won’t change my cell he has already tried contacting me..I don’t respond if I want a better life I choose to move on I blamed myself I no longer blame me I did nothing wrong I truly have my love to the wrong person thank god for me stumbling on reading up or else I would have kept going through this cycle of destruction with him. I can breath better now