I think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.
We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)
Throughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.
When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.
When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit. On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.
How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.
The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.
Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?
How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist. Recently, I discovered a possible neurological cause for this inability (or lack of mental capacity) to care about memories and even though it is not an excuse, it is certainly food for thought. The newly discovered neurological condition is call aphantasia and it is described as a person’s inability to visualize or voluntarily create in one’s mind’s eye mental images, real of imagined, of people, places or things. Literally, a person with aphantasia does not possess a “mind’s eye”. The canvas of this person’s mind is dark…a blank…and therefore, memories do not exist and, presumably, any history connected to relationships. Can this neurological “condition” be connected to narcissism? I do not know but it would certainly begin to put the puzzle pieces of the narcissistic personality together.
To a narcissist, to reject us is to reject all of the history that comes along…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it. In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.
Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)
REPOST (14) UPDATED 05/2021
Chlobo96
April 19, 2016 at 3:27 pmThank you so much for this information. I until today thought I was the crazy one. I met my ex while at school I was part of a popular group of boys and girls I was confident and always happy and up for a laugh always but i never really fitted in because I haven’t got a mean bone in my body like some of my popular friends had! This I guess made me an easy target for people wanting to get in with the popular crowd, thinking back I was used and broken down by quite a few people but none as hurtful as my ex! He was extremely intelligent but not particularly well known. all my friends thought I was mad when I Ist started talking to him but I was hooked on him so quickly he knew what to say he always made me feel so special etc
Very soon he was my world and no one else mAttered but a few months into the relationship things started to change, word got back to me that on an adventure weekend he had been all weekend with another girl including sleeping in the same tent also lots of communication via snapchat was happening for some time after the weekend away! everyone told me about what happened but I was having none of it he had promised that nothing had happened and it was everyone shit stiring!!! And me like the fool believed him but the situation made me loose all trust! So he was now cheating, lying and putting me down at every situation, he started hating on my friends and really hatted on one girl who had dared to tell him he was a nasty bully who didn’t deserve me ! Bless her for trying and for some time he made her life hell by making everyone else dislike her, that was a deffo red flag which I missed totally.
Fast forward to the end of the relationship we made nearly 3 years! we were now second year of college! For the last year and a half he had ignored me for days at a time he would only meet up on the odd occasion he never spoke about what he had been doing or if he had gone anywhere not that it was any of business but it did fuel my paranoia, he just didn’t seem to want to know me and was acting more and more like he didn’t care but I was still so in love and I defended his actions every time, my friends all said its over and i should just end it, he’s an asshole they all said but I couldn’t give up on what I thought was perfect!!!
But now I see it was far from perfect it was only perfect for the 1st few months reality was for two and a half years I was actually always sad ,angry ,jelous, upset but I couldn’t see it !! I was now a wreak, a young women with zero self-confidence he had taken that all. In the new year he finished it with me I was devistated and I thought it couldn’t get any worse!! But it did cause that’s where he started the smearing. we were both part of a massive mutual friendship group and all did lots together out Side of college one by one he started saying really horrible things about me telling them stories that made me sound crazy and for two weeks nearly no one spoke to me and I had no idea what he had said, one friend told me what he was up to but said I’m not saying what he’s been saying but it was all really horrible stuff and to be honest I think I’m better off not knowing! we are now A year down the road we are nearly at the end of college (thank God) and he acts like I’m dead he doesn’t give me eye contact and walks away if he sees me in his path, if I’m stood talking with someone he will sometimes run up to then act like there his best friend say hi hug them and just totally blank me and that really makes you feel like shit.
Now N is treated like a God by the friends who still think I’m the crazy one he’s started body building and has now built an amazing six pack which he likes to show off at every opportunity. I have noticed that he has now hooked in a guy mate who is at the moment is one of the most confident popular guys in our group and someone that I get on with really well but not romantically and funnily enough N used to not have a good word to say about this guy and in his eyes he’s not at his intellect level!! So it will be interesting to see if over time this guy gets broken down and spat out when N is done.
To anyone out there that is at that stage of always feeling sad to the point your wanting to cry or feeling like he/she doesn’t care by there actions then trust me it time to get out because that’s the sign there done with you! So do what’s best for you and end your misery, start building your confidence and self back up. I have still such a long way to go an I’ve been so badly hurt by him and people who I thought were my friends! I’m just so thankful I found these stories cause now I know it wasn’t my fault and I’m not some crazy psycho bitch and most importantly I’m not alone with what’s happened to me . Just hope we are all able to love deeply again some time 🙂 love to all x
Chlobo96
April 19, 2016 at 3:15 pmThank you so much for this information. I until today thought I was the crazy one. I met my ex while at school I was part of a popular group of boys and girls I was confident and always happy and up for a laugh always but i never really fitted in because I haven’t got a mean bone in my body like some of my popular friends had! This I guess made me an easy target for people wanting to get in with the popular crowd, thinking back I was used and broken down by quite a few people but none as hurtful as my ex! He was extremely intelligent but not particularly well known. all my friends thought I was mad when I Ist started talking to him but I was hooked on him so quickly he knew what to say he always made me feel so special etc
Very soon he was my world and no one else mAttered but a few months into the relationship things started to change, word got back to me that on an adventure weekend he had been all weekend with another girl including sleeping in the same tent also lots of communication via snapchat was happening for some time after the weekend away! everyone told me about what happened but I was having none of it he had promised that nothing had happened and it was everyone shit stiring!!! And me like the fool believed him but the situation made me loose all trust! So he was now cheating, lying and putting me down at every situation, he started hating on my friends and really hatted on one girl who had dared to tell him he was a nasty bully who didn’t deserve me ! Bless her for trying and for some time he made her life hell by making everyone else dislike her, that was a deffo red flag which I missed totally.
Fast forward to the end of the relationship we made nearly 3 years! we were now second year of college! For the last year and a half he had ignored me for days at a time he would only meet up on the odd occasion he never spoke about what he had been doing or if he had gone anywhere not that it was any of business but it did fuel my paranoia, he just didn’t seem to want to know me and was acting more and more like he didn’t care but I was still so in love and I defended his actions every time, my friends all said its over and i should just end it, he’s an asshole they all said but I couldn’t give up on what I thought was perfect!!!
But now I see it was far from perfect it was only perfect for the 1st few months reality was for two and a half years I was actually always sad ,angry ,jelous, upset but I couldn’t see it !! I was now a wreak, a young women with zero self-confidence he had taken that all. In the new year he finished it with me I was devistated and I thought it couldn’t get any worse!! But it did cause that’s where he started the smearing. we were both part of a massive mutual friendship group and all did lots together out Side of college one by one he started saying really horrible things about me telling them stories that made me sound crazy and for two weeks nearly no one spoke to me and I had no idea what he had said, one friend told me what he was up to but said I’m not saying what he’s been saying but it was all really horrible stuff and to be honest I think I’m better off not knowing! we are now A year down the road we are nearly at the end of college (thank God) and he acts like I’m dead he doesn’t give me eye contact and walks away if he sees me in his path, if I’m stood talking with someone he will sometimes run up to then act like there his best friend say hi hug them and just totally blank me and that really makes you feel lime shit.
Now N is treated like a God by the friends who still think I’m the crazy one he’s started body building and has now built an amazing six pack which he likes to show off at every opportunity. I have noticed that he has now hooked in a guy mate who is at the moment one of the most confident popular guys in our group and someone that I get on with really well but not romantically and funnily enough N used to not have a good word to say about this guy and in his eyes he’s not at his intellect level!! So will be interesting to see if over time this guy gets broken down and spat out when N is done.
To anyone out there that is at that stage of always feeling sad to the point your wanting to cry or feeling like he doesn’t care but his actions then trust me it time to get out because that’s the signs he’s done with you so do what’s best for you and end your misery and start building your confidence and self back up. I have still such a long way to go an I’ve been so badly hurt by him and people who I thought were my friends! I’m just so thankful I found these stories cause now I know it wasn’t my fault and I’m not alone with what’s happened to me . Just hope I’m able to love deeply again some time 🙂
Zari Ballard
May 1, 2016 at 6:09 pmHi Chlobo96,
I’m grateful that college is almost over for your too. This guy is a complete pompous ass and you are very young and WILL get over it. There is nothing that can be changed about these losers nor do they CARE about changing or even think that they NEED to change. It his who they are and has absolutely no reflection on you. I realize that college is a cliquey place and people can be cruel but take this as a time to take a good look at who your real friends REALLY are.
Nothing was your fault and narcissists are very good at what they do. You sound like an awesome girl and I wish you nothing but the best. Yes, you will love deeply again and THAT love will make THIS love look like a speck of sand on Malibu Beach. Let me know how you’re doing, sister!
Zari xo
Sabrina
April 15, 2016 at 7:28 pmAfter the countless hours I’ve spent researching this topic in a relentless search for answers finally EUREKA! Thankyou for your powerful insights and for validating US! Painful ad this journey has been I THANK GOD I’m not THEM! They can never have who and what we are ! HUMAN BEINGS ! This has been such a painful journey and I know I have a long way to go but that’s because I’m human with a full range of emotions and I want to come out of this intact. Thankyou for the clarity Zari .
Zari Ballard
April 18, 2016 at 5:16 pmHi Sabrina,
Yes, thank God we are not them! I’m grateful you found your way here and thank you for the kind words. A person can’t possibly understand the dynamics of this type of abuse unless they’ve lived it and this is why recovery has to be a team effort.
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
Joanne
March 11, 2016 at 1:02 pmI am back in the land of the living after being hoovered last week (first time since breakup 8 months and total NC 3 1/2 months ago)……I can tell you I BARELY dipped my toe in the cesspool that is the Narcissists world and I have felt so fucking TOXIC all week…I had an emotional hangover for most of the week……I can not imagine what I would be feeling if I went head first all the way into the pool!!! Thank you Zari and everyone on here for helping me stay strong and providing VITAL information and support……I was doing ok but the moment he started hoovering (one word text lol) I was back to the day he discarded me!!! I felt horrible!!!! Please try to remember who we are dealing with they are not normal human beings….its sooooo hard to wrap your head around the fact that it was all FAKE!!!! Im still having a hard time with that one…..do not engage!!! block, block & block again!!!!! Im so thankful I escaped with relatively little damage (compared to if I had completely bought into his hoovering)….again THANK YOU Zari & all my sisters without this site I would have no idea what I was dealing with…BIG HUGS!!!!
Dragica
March 15, 2016 at 3:29 amWith the help of this thread I am realizing more and more that we are dealing here with the whole generation of desperate and unconfident women, many of them probably without healthy father figure in their early life, which later led to so many unhealthy relationships with men.
As a recent ‘ victim’ of a very narcissistic and sexually & emotionally abusive man I know what I am talking about. Get real, women out there! It is OUR responsibility and OUR mistakes that we made! No one can abuse you until you LET THEM! Own your mistakes ladies and stop blaming masculine sex in general for your miserable lives!
And oh btw, revenge IS sweet. Cut off the bastards balls or tell his wife or GF… castrate him one way or another, after all, you NEED to vent off LOL
Zari Ballard
March 18, 2016 at 7:51 pmHi Dragica,
Well, I have to differ with you on quite a few things here…first of all, a narcissist isn’t the least bit attracted to desperate women lacking in confidence and I’ve yet, in all the thousands of stories that I have read and responded to, to come across any victims that are (myself included). Second of all, a narcissist’s JOB on this planet is to covertly trick those confident women into thinking they have found The One and then break them down to serve his own purpose – and they do it very well. Otherwise, we wouldn’t find ourselves in the predicament. Thirdly, it’s not abnormal to assume that the person that we fall in love with and who supposedly loves us back is telling us the truth – especially if our suspicions are always claimed to be unfounded by polished narcissists. This being true, to say that we alone are responsible for falling for the ruse is very unfair and blaming ourselves overall non-productive. Fourth, I, for one, have a wonderful relationship with my father and always did. I can honestly say that I had an idyllic childhood and no “parental” reason for falling in love with narcissist. Of course, I can’t speak for everyone but again, in speaking to 100’s of women and corresponding with 1000’s more, I find that the ratio of those with bad childhoods to those who had “regular” childhoods is fairly even and, hence, is not a factor. Fifth, I have yet – and I mean not a single time in all of the posts made here – have ever come across a post where the woman blames the male gender in GENERAL for what happened. This says to me that we are all smart enough to know that, although there’s a fine line between a guy who’s a narcissist and a guy who’s just an asshole, good men do exist and we all deserve one. Finally, we all OWN our responsibility in the matter but that’s not the point of coming to a forum/blog such as mine. We come together to seek validation and confirmation from one another that we’re not nuts- that the sinister agenda of these monsters is REAL. We’re all quite aware of our participation in the game (and we’re certainly not proud of it) but to focus on “victim-blame” is counter productive simply because of the kind of abuse that it is. Given that we spent the duration of the relationship being blamed for EVERYTHING by the narcissist, I don’t see any good in continuing that tradition during recovery.
As for the revenge, that’s a whole different kind of confidence you’re talking about. I’m not saying it’s wrong because there are times when it sure feels right…but the truth is that, if a person was truly confident to begin with before the narcissist, the need for revenge at the very end is very small. After all, the narcissist’s revenge on your revenge will always be worse simply because of the kind of monster he is. The goal is to go no contact and get the confidence back as quick as possible, moving along to better days and a better life. That alone is the best revenge ever.
Thanks for writing….
Zari:)
Dragica
March 19, 2016 at 4:51 amYou made a good point, Zari and I know what you are trying to tell.
I am reading your work since October last year when I first went through cold silent treatment from my now ex lover who is N. And I still don’t get it completely. Is maybe our own inner strength and power that are attracting the P’s and N’s? My ex husband was a real psycho (I got divorced in 1999 already), then I lived through another N (1999-2000) and now, so many years later, after so much psychotherapy and work on myself – after full 14 years when I already felt good about myself and my life was really picking up – I managed to stumble upon another pathological liar and 100% N. I simply blame myself.
How was I not able to read those signs?? He even lied to me for almost 2 months in the beginning about his real name and family name… But he was the most charismatic guy in the world, so sexy, ex football player, handsome, educated… few months into our relationship I found out he was married, with a small newborn baby at home, with polished facade for the public and darkest fantasy world when it comes to sex in his ‘second life’, which unfortunately included me and one other woman.
I am not very vindictive type and I usually forgive people their flaws and betrayals. But I was so badly bruised in those 6 months of abusive relationship, that I finally spoke to his wife yesterday. Turned out that her guy had another relationship like ours with another woman and she confronted her in December.
Now she told me I am the second one telling her all those digusting details (my story is almost identical to another woman’s story) so she packed his stuff and kicked him out of their house, forbiding him future meetings with their daughter (he also has rape sex fantasies and incest fantasies).
N’s wife warned me as well that he might look for me and that I should pay extreme caution in next days or weeks or maybe even months as he threatened to kill his ex mistress (taht I didn’t even know about), the one that came to N’s wife in December last year and she reported him to the police.
Since yesterday when she told him that they are done and she knows everything about me and him, my phone went crazy, first I received calls from unknown number, then calls from a pay-to-go mobile phone number that is also unfamiliar to me. But I for sure as hell know who is calling and I won’t be picking up.
Honestly speaking, I could never in the wildest dreams imagine that this guy is SO psycho. I wrote to you in specific detail about him 5 months ago but my letter was never published. I am 43, but never met someone so slippery and obviously also dangerous in my life. But I am also no blushing violet myself. If he ever approaches me with intention of hurting me, or sends someone to do so, I will personally cut his balls and feed them down his throat.
Zari Ballard
March 19, 2016 at 6:07 pmHi Dragica,
Yes, your story was published because I searched you name to read it yesterday before answering this last post. It’s under another article but it is there…it probably took a long time for me to get to it so you didn’t see it. I was pretty backed up there for awhile. Look, with millions of N’s out there, we’re going to be running into them until the end of time. I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re simply not ever going to recognize them right off the bat. The most that we can hope for is that our visit with these bastards will get shorter and shorter…do you know what I mean? We can’t walk around in this life being overly suspicious (notice I said “overly”!) of every charming guy we meet but we do have to keep the radar up. It’s all we can do. As for why they are attracted to us, that’s easy! What fun would it be to try to break down someone who’s already broken??? A narcissist’s life is all about what he can get away with and, therefore, there’s no thrill in deceiving a wall flower. It’s much more FUN to turn us confident, savvy, sexy bitches into crumbling masses of mush!!! This is all it is. It’s not as complicated as we think….these guys are just really good at what they do.
As for the “psycho” thing, I would be careful and aware but not too worried. The truth is that narcissists – for all their big talk – are simply not any more motivated to go out of their way to be assholes to us once we’re gone than they are to be decent to us when we’re a couple. They usually figure the discard and the following silence is punishment enough for our “crimes”. Bastards! LOL
You are fine, girl….these charming creeps just need to be kicked to the curb for all eternity!
Zari xo
Lara
April 24, 2016 at 5:38 pmThank you Zari. Those of us who have been with men like this have shouldered 100% of the blame fo all the problems throughout the entire relationship as it is. I for one had a mean alcoholic father, and a mom, although with a good heart, I have always walked on eggshells with. When I met my now ex, I had worked for years to build up my low self esteem and was finally in a “good place”. After 4 1/2 years of being verbally and emotionally battered and made to feel crazy, after being discarded during a really terrible time that I was going through, my self esteem is lower than it ever was.
Heidi
March 3, 2016 at 8:06 amOne of the best posts I have read over my course of trying to free myself of “him”……..I will absolutely re-read this during my weak moments….(and there are many!!) Thank you very much for this!
Emm
February 6, 2016 at 11:34 pmThanks for your reply zari and its true everything you said.. An open relationship NEVER works out with a narc. He likes to make you feel crazy and lost.. I just hate the part where he kisses ass to the new victim when he fucks up, bc she feels “in charge” at that moment and “in control” he’s begging her and she likes it..
Right now im having trouble with my self esteem.. I feel so low,unworthy,not valueable,i feel like a whore!!everyone knows what he did.. When i talked to him he told me that he told all of a our closes friends what we did sexually,everythin that happened in our household,my family,what i never did right etc…the fcken smear campaign is horrible.. he is making it seems like the new gf is wayyyy better than me!! Fcken making me feel down!! Why the fuck does he say things that we did!! I feel soo low,ashamed,embarrassed!! I feel like a nobody..maybe i really am a nobody.. And nobody will want me like he said.. He says im a bad mother bc im keeping the kids away from him, but im just standing up for myself and my rights as the mother. That i was a bad wife bc i didnt stay enough to handle his bullshit and bc the new gf lets me fuck around with other girls. I feel like sometimes he is right! What if it was me! I feel that now he has all this money, is kind of famous in our hood,where we live( everybody sees him as a godess,and looks up to him here,he always mentions he “horrible childhood” and now that he overcame it ppl ador him) and also says that i never did nothing for him the whole 8 yrs we were together,wtf i went to visit him every weekend when he was in jail pregnant taking the metro and walking 1 hr to get to the jail. When he was deported i went togo live in mexico for 4 months and broke!! Had to begg my family for money! And ALOT of other shits!! Now he appriciating the new gf for 1 time she went to go see him in jail.. Wtf!! He is making me feel so unapreciated and like i nevrr did nothin for him. I need your advice on this once again zari i really do
Zari Ballard
February 9, 2016 at 9:42 amHi Emm,
Honestly, this guy sounds like a complete and utter scumbag asshole. Who even cares what he says or who he pretends to like at this minute? You haven’t described a single thing that would even be likable…who cares what he tells others. The best thing for victims of narcissist abuse to do during the smear campaign is say nothing. Let him talk his big talk all by himself. The longer he talks shit and the longer you stay quiet, the more he starts to look like the problem. Refuse to talk about him with others. If you don’t want him to see the kids, don’t. Avoid mutual friends. Work on taking yourself and the kids up and out of that hood. Do something to better yourself so you can change this awfulness he created for you. Take a stand. He’s a DOUCHEBAG and not a single thing he has ever said to you – let alone bashing your mothering and what you did and did not do – is worth two shits. Ignore it. Ignore him. Ignore everyone who hangs out with him. So what if a whole bunch of losers in the hood think he’s GOD. What does that say about them? Not a whole lot! You’re judging the worthiness between his girlfriends on who visits him more IN JAIL. My God…let her visit him. How fun! Let her move to Mexico to live among the cartel. Who cares? Better her than you. Why on earth would you actually give any credence to a single word this idiot is saying? YOU are perfect just the way that you are!!!!
Stay strong and remain silent throughout the smears….the more he talks smack about the mother of his kids, the worse he looks. Take him to court. Get child support. Get the money you deserve. This insanity of allowing these assholes to run our lives and manipulate our thinking has got to stop.
I care about you and you are not alone in this! Of that, you can be absolutely sure!
Zari xo
Emm
January 7, 2016 at 12:20 amHi Zari
I’ve read your book( pretty on spot) I just have a couple of questions…can a narcissit turn a victim into a narcisst as well? ( brainwashing them,making them think and live like them) bc his new gf told me that she’s letting him mess around with girls and if he wants to “play games” let him..she didnt think like that a week ago. He probably brainwashed her. Also since i’ve left him i SEE people from his eyes! When i see a young man with a healthy lifestyle/mindset i see him as boring,innocent,unexperienced,plain dumb,easy, believing lies… I feel numb with other people(family,friends) and i also feel any conversations boring, unless they talk about my ex narc. i can read people as well..Its WiERD but i think i got some narcisstic traits from him(and not the good ones) i feel like i can act like a narc(bc i know the moves he makes/made on me and the things to say) the new gf thinks that she can handle him bc she’s older & more “mature” than him, poor girl, she thinks its like a normal relationship…he cheated on her with me! I cnt fucken believe I fail in his games! After 1 yr of no contact, i gave in and had sex with him 3 times. They are such good actors!!! Had ne believing that he wasnt with her! Having sex with me during the day and sex with her in the night.. I knew he was a narc but i put on blind eyes! Now i feel ashamed and fucken dirty! She knows bc i told her.. And at first she was crying sayin she was done, and week later she tells me that he does live with her and she’s gonna let him play on girls.. Wierd!! Now i feel confused and just plain stuck! I’ve bought your book, but deep down i feel hurt,anger,ashamed.. Its a really ugly place to be emotionally.. Now my family doesnt support me with this topic, and i understand them. All the work they helped me on with my kids and with my mind, to almost go living with him and having sex! Wtf! What do you think Zari?
Zari Ballard
January 7, 2016 at 12:45 amHi Emm,
Thanks for writing and here’s the deal: you’re never going to convince this girl that she’s REALLY walking into the fire…she’ll have to find out for herself and she will. An open relationship with a narc almost never works because the narc will somehow manage to STILL cross a line there somewhere (either by spending too much time with the other girls or lying to the gf that he’s not seeing anybody at all or suddenly accusing HER of cheating just because he’s allowed to do it…). After all, when you’re a narc, what fun is cheating when someone allows you to cheat? To the narc, this will be a novelty that will wear out quick.
Don’t be confused and stuck. Get up, brush yourself off, and continue on. Begin No Contact AGAIN today! Block all of his numbers and social media and block all of the girlfriend’s numbers as well. Please stop communicating with her because it will only serve to keep you in the sickening game. You know what he is and he hasn’t changed a damn bit. If nothing else, your revisit part way down the rabbit hole certainly validated and confirmed this. Now stand up and keep moving. Quietly step off the game board and let her deal with his bullshit. Sounds like they deserve each other.
The good news is that it’s over once again…you don’t need to discuss it any further with friends or family (ever!). I stopped talking about it altogether with everyone and it freed me in many ways AND it took the pressure off of everyone else. Unless they’ve been involved with a narcissist, a person can never quite grasp the level of betrayal. Don’t even try anymore. Come here and to similar sites for support and to become educated. Read my books if you can, read all of the stories shared here under each article by women just like you and me, and if you ever want to talk, book a consultation. I’d be happy to talk to you. Continue to write and, above all else, stay away from her and from him. Block, block, block.
Stay strong and I’m here to support you!
Zari xo