I think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.
We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)
Throughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.
When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.
When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit. On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.
How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.
The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.
Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?
How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist. Recently, I discovered a possible neurological cause for this inability (or lack of mental capacity) to care about memories and even though it is not an excuse, it is certainly food for thought. The newly discovered neurological condition is call aphantasia and it is described as a person’s inability to visualize or voluntarily create in one’s mind’s eye mental images, real of imagined, of people, places or things. Literally, a person with aphantasia does not possess a “mind’s eye”. The canvas of this person’s mind is dark…a blank…and therefore, memories do not exist and, presumably, any history connected to relationships. Can this neurological “condition” be connected to narcissism? I do not know but it would certainly begin to put the puzzle pieces of the narcissistic personality together.
To a narcissist, to reject us is to reject all of the history that comes along…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it. In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.
Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)
REPOST (14) UPDATED 05/2021
Teresa
June 22, 2016 at 7:40 amHi my ex narcissist has reappeared after 6 years, he is now hoovering me which I feel real unhealthy about! My son who is not his he as offered a job! Being really nice to him. I told him back off find yourself someone else he then accused me of abusing him!! The total opposite, I do feel much different to years ago and handled it much better this time!! Once a narcissist always a narcissist they don’t change!!!
Nancy Willis
June 18, 2016 at 4:30 amZari,
Well doesn’t he sound special? “I can take you or leave you.” Kind of like a bonbon on a dessert cart!
That’s the all too revealing verbal equivalent to bleach, ain’t it? I picture a man sitting in an easy chair, maybe with the ballgame on in the background – and a lemon meringue pie flying through the air aimed right at the back of his unsuspecting head.
Or his elderly mother with her arthritic thumb and forefinger pincer grasp, taking the top of his ear and with a half turn, leading him out of the playroom into a very long timeout. All the while treating him to a good old-fashioned talking to, designed in earnest that he reflect on his callous words and how he was not raised that way.
My soon-to-be ex husband’s summation comment – and I sure wish I could remember the very first time I heard it – where I was standing, what I was doing… I could just add that to my list of things to flog myself over. Why I stood there dumbfounded rather than say, “Oh where the fuck are my sneakers and my car keys and checkbook and God knows what else I need…” And simply exit. Ahhhh, The retrograde fantasies abound!
His remark was “You need me, but I don’t need you.” (Think Jack Nicholson)
Well thanks for the heads up! I hadn’t really understood that… There hadn’t been enough subliminal messages or looks of disdain lingering – it was all too diffuse – like the stink of a dead chipmunk underneath the baseboards. It would stink up the entire house – but you had to hunt from room to room to see where that little decomposing rascal was. That’s the aftermath, when the transparencies are lifted one by one and we realize that you told us all we needed to know in phrases such as those.
Well I’d love to stay and chat but, I have to double wrap this stinky chippy and put it out in the trash, open the windows and let some air in.
Nancy
Zari Ballard
June 21, 2016 at 1:25 amHi Nancy,
Thanks for the hilarious commentary on our interchangeable lives! It always makes me laugh out loud:)
Zari xoxo
Cheryl
June 6, 2016 at 2:09 pmI’m so frustrated right now. Because of how I’m feeling, I’ve been re-reading a lot of stuff, your stuff, other stuff, stuff about PTSD, stuff about dissociation…. I was doing really well, getting on with things, moving, getting healthy again, finding myself not thinking about the narc at all some days. Now, suddenly (and with no contact or any particular change other than I’m now over a year into the discard – as in NC by her choice), I feel like I’m losing it all over again. I don’t want her back. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to know what she’s doing; but I’m also losing my will to do better, to be healthier, to keep moving, I find myself ruminating too much about how things might be by now with the new girl – whether she’s feeling the pain yet. I shouldn’t care. I know that. Yet, I can’t seem to shake off this funk that came out of nowhere and won’t leave me be. There was no real trigger (other than maybe finally selling the house I bought for “us” that “we” never lived in – which I thought was a relief). I’m finding a new therapist and heading back into sessions (moved away from the old one), but I don’t even know where to begin or what the heck is happening to me.
Zari Ballard
June 8, 2016 at 4:57 pmHi Cheryl,
It’s okay to stop reading for awhile. But before you do that – LOL – did you read this article (the newest one)? because it talks about the stage that I think that you’re in. You describe it perfectly…you don’t want her back yet you’re still stuck in weird feelings…no real trigger. If you didn’t read the article, read it. And if you did, feel confident that you’re right at the end. Push through it. Please let me know if it helps…..
Zari xo
Cheryl
June 8, 2016 at 6:10 pmZari: Good post. Yes, I’m well past the denial, but there are other things. the two big ones right now are: 1) Memories surfacing from this relationship of how unbelievably cruel and inhuman she was – that I never really allowed myself to accept and 2) The dilemma of trying to figure out whether I’m deciding to do something (an activity, an event, a hobby) because it’s what I want or because it make a connect to her (not contact – just a connection; like something we did together or something related to her in some way). There’s not in my life that doesn’t have some connection – 40 years she was in my head and heart. But the realizations and the dysfunctional decision making are really starting to drag on me right now. I was doing really well. I don’t know where this came from. Thanks.
Angela
May 31, 2016 at 4:28 pmHi Zari
I have been doing research on Narcs and Convert Narcs since my 6 month relationship ended approx 3 months ago. Previously I had been in relationship and married to a full on Narc for 12 years. I left that relationship completely brainwashed and smashed to pieces but spent 2 years putting myself back together. I’ve had a few relationships since then, issues have come up but nothing to the degree of narcissistic treatment, just everyday issues, so I know I can recognize a healthy relationship and when it’s just not going to work.
This last guy started off so great (and they always do). I had noticed a few tiny things which I mentioned and they were resolved immediately. That gave me confidence that this guy was really genuine and really wanting to work towards a future together. I still had just a tiny niggle that something was a little off, but he had come from a physically and psychologically abusive relationship of 18 years (and was just over 2 years out of that relationship) so I respected it takes time to learn new behavior and communication techniques. Then I hit a HUGE red flag. He spoke to me in the most toxic/condescending voice while we were in bed together, putting me down about my “apparent inadequacy” in a sexual technique. He fell asleep as soon as the sex was over, and I took my broken crying self out to the lounge and slept on the couch. In the morning I could barely look at him – that one line had totally triggered me, and I lost my voice. I wanted to talk about it but I had a brick in my throat. I drove home thinking WTF just happened. After about 3 months, I noticed some significant changes. I started hearing more criticism. By now I had reverted back to my old patterns of behavior as in my marraige. No rights, no voice.
Things escalated when his ex-partner of 18 years came to my home town twice to stalk me over 10 days and a weekend. I got 3 phone calls at my work with her abusing me. I went to the police about it.
He came to talk it through with me, although we didn’t exactly see eye to eye about the situation, I was totally hooked on him so I’d already decided I would do whatever it took to keep the relationship happy and moving forward.
Fast forward 2 months, and I finally found my voice and the courage to speak up about the things that were bothering me. And guess what happened….. he dumped me, saying I hope you can find someone who can make you happy.
Initially I wasn’t too devastated about it, I stayed strong for the first few weeks, but as time went by my resolve started to crumble. I text him every couple of weeks, a one sided conversation as I had blocked and unblocked his number. I told him what my research was telling me about him. I was really trying to empower myself to no fall apart and be a doormat again.
We’d met on a dating site, his profile was back on there almost immediately he dumped me (I couldn’t help myself but to go and check – that broke my heart).
I pretty much had no contact for 2 months except for the text messages I sent, then he messaged me suggesting we get together to talk things through – a lot of things had been left unsaid. I turned up at his house and he had a date there!!! He came out to see me…I had also come to return something to him. I only stayed a few minutes and left feeling really bummed out. I’d been hooked back in.
I returned to see him the following day, knowing I had to have the conversation – whatever the result. I told him straight all the things I had noticed… his heavy drinking, his apparent “recreational” drug use that I think increased his aggressive side and short temper, his slightly inappropriate relationship with his daughter (a lot of background about that situation), his change from being so close to me and then holding me at arms length towards the end.
Because I felt reasonably empowered I was able to listen and observe quite objectively, however when I first turned up he was all over me, kissing me, hugging me, running his hands all over my body. He still critisized me a little as we talked but for the most part he was actually quite open, although not prepared to accept any responsibility. He said he’d send me a bunch of text messages. I thank God I blocked him, if I had read those it would probably have been the undoing of me. 2 months of not seeing him had at least allowed me to build myself up to some degree. He minimized my experience, telling me “needy” was intended to be a compliment, I made things too serious, etc. He said we had just needed to talk things through and have make-up sex. (I don’t agree – to me what happened needed much more than that. I wanted to hear him admit the truth, and suggest getting some help for himself. His behavior was abusive). Anyway I ended up staying the night.
Next day when I got home, I completely lost my resolve, texting him please can we get back together, lets work things out. His text back said, Hey, I’m really not wanting things too serious/pressured. It’s not me anymore. I’m happy just to cruise stress free. I’m happy with my life. I think you are thinking too much and too serious.
I got annoyed and sent a text back asking who he thought he was to do that to me. Why have me stay the night if it wasn’t going to go anywhere?
I saw him the following Monday, I wanted to tell him face to face that I would now be moving in another direction. He said sleeping together probably shouldn’t have happened, etc. Then he gave me a passionate kiss goodbye.
12 days later we had a 2 hour text conversation, with him telling me how much money he is making, how he has put his prices up, what he’s been doing with his daughter etc.
Of course I stroked his ego, but it was good because I recognized what he was doing – just getting a bit of Narc Supply, probably one of his other ladies was busy, so I was a good “last resort option” to talk to someone and get a “feed”
I know I’m making real progress. There is absolutely no future with this man. But as so many others have said, it does leave a bit of a hole, when they just “abandon”. I’m mostly on the front foot, but occasionally feel that pull – so I turn to websites like this to reaffirm what was happening, and read the stories of others with the same patterns.
I would really appreciate some feedback from you on where to from here. I have a great counselor here in town, although I don’t know that she specializes in this type of abuse and how it messes with peoples heads. I feel I’m about 95% there now, but just want that final penny to drop so I can fully let this go. Any suggestions?
By the way I think you’re information is absolutely invaluable…so empowering to have it explained the way you do, and as others have said – you are telling their story with every post. We all know this behavior so intimately. Thank you xx
Zari Ballard
June 11, 2016 at 5:09 amHi Angela,
Thank you for sharing your story and I appreciate that you come here and to other sites to read:) I agree with you that reading, learning, and affirming does give us some type of leverage on these characters although I do have to say that it’s what we do with the information that gives all that knowledge any meaning. Sooooo….when you tell me Of course I stroked his ego, but it was good because I recognized what he was doing…, my question, of course, is going to be if you recognized what he was doing, why would you stroke his ego? We have a tendency to read all this stuff and then keep it all locked up in our heads as if the existence of it alone will solve the problem but this never happens. I did it too and trust me, it doesn’t work. Again, why stroke his ego? If you know what he’s doing, you don’t have to observe anything anymore…you know what to do. This guy is a creep and you’re right…there’s no future with him. So end it. It sounds to me like you’ve got it figured out…that you’ve already been given the final penny…and I would agree with you there.
It’s hard to tell by the timeline if it’s been just recently that you spoke or the whole three months but either way, block his number and just stay away from him. Don’t worry about convincing him about what and who he is…he doesn’t care and he’ll never admit to it. You know the truth and that’s all that should matter. If you found a great counselor, that sounds awesome but I’m not even sure if you need one. You don’t sound depressed…in fact, the tone of your post is very upbeat. Why do you need counseling? Blow him off and be on your way. Consider a six-month “relationship” a dodged bullet compared to the 12 years that you spent before with a narc.
As for dating, be aware that 97% of any guy you meet online is going to be a narc so if you want a suggestion it’s going to be to stay off the online thing. Online narcs are filled with stories of abusive ex’s and this is always a red flag. Trust me, this guy’s 18-year relationship was not about HER abusing HIM, it was about him being the narc that he is. THIS is why she was acting in desperation, “stalking” you…she was trying to find out the truth as everyone who becomes involved with him inevitably will want to do. This guy is a player. Now, you can continue to periodically “stroke his ego” for no reason at all, giving him what he wants (because that’s ALL he’ll EVER want) or you can cut your loss and move along. Again, you had the final penny as soon as you met him. Nothing to be sad about here…no love involved on your part..no feigned commitment on his part. Block his ass and don’t play his game. It’s only meant to waste your time and only you can put a stop to it.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Angela
June 21, 2016 at 7:25 amThanks, Zari. I have turned to your post quite a few times in the last couple weeks. I did see this guy one last time, just a last hope that maybe he had realised something. But no, he was very charming and obviously feeling really good about himself. I did find myself feeling a little fed-up being around him towards the end. So after I left I sent the final text, which I know I didn’t need to do but it made me feel like I had the last word, and I told him we would not be seeing each other again. I have no intention of being his friend (as he suggested) or just seeing him sometimes (as he suggested). No more ego feed from me. And I do get the odd twinge, but I’m sure once a decent guy comes along and proves himself to be “available” and “real” I won’t give this idiot another thought. Thanks again, your feedback was brilliant, and since my initial post I have read your first 2 books, which were so helpful, and really have helped me realise I certainly have dodged another bullet, and early on this time. xx
Zari Ballard
June 24, 2016 at 8:38 amHi Angela,
Keep on keepin’ on, girlfriend. You will – and should – learn to not think about the idiot even IF the available, real guy has not come along yet. The time to start healing is now. You got the last word so keep it as your own and be happy. You deserve so much better and I wish you nothing but the best.
Zari xo
ChakiraJones
May 27, 2016 at 11:53 pmGreat arcticle Zari. So much is spot on with ‘their’ mentality. I’m so grateful I’ve decided upon being done with ex narcissistical sociopath. I had known him back from middle school and had only dated him near two years before he suddenly and of course very nastily and hastily dispensed of me over the phone. Saying ‘Leave me the eff alone’ , and hung up on me before i barely got any words out. Then i texted ‘why, what did i do soo wrong?’ with his reply ‘Never message me again, you are deranged’. -Anyhow.. just some words, but very devastating to me. I beckoned and plead for reasonings through text …no reply. Sheer silence near three full months ..then ‘Hey, hope your holidays went well’ on new years day. I tried to ignore knowing their tactics from what i had read , but a few hours later he text “ignore me then’. Then from there intermittent slews of insane texting tangents ..sometimes mistakenly intiated by me. I should of called officers on him but never did. So the discard october2014, and three times i gave in to allowing him for visit to my place ..by his rediculous command. I used to have him over regular basis ..then down to three times within year in a half. There is so much detail, and it still is very painful at times. He completely shunned and excluded me never once allowing me to his place, even for just coffee the whole two years. But i do know for fact he wasn’t married or steady girlfriend. However, i also know for fact other women allowed there ..he only live a mile away from me! So he has rubbed all this crap in my face wanting me to be competitive (which isn’t like me), also sending pictures of women doing things to HIM!..,trust me, i know what he looks like. ..Seriously , i thought he was this shy quiet private person which i tried to respect , but to no avail and with zero reciprocation on his part. I was way too sweet and easy going with this jerk, i should’ve known there was something wrong with him when after a few months we had dated and midway thru a texting convo between us ..I asked him .., ‘do you care about me ‘. …then absolutely nothing and no reply even though i asked him a few times! I just chalked it up to him trying
to be macho or something. Honestly, i already had pretty low self esteem and definitely not very social being a private person myself ..yet i had stated at get go how I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I
tried being detached thoughout relation. Long and complex story short ..I believe he viewed that as a challenge.. to finally get me hooked , then sadistically try to break me to smithereens. Depending on what type narc and what their looking for depends on whether target high or low self esteemed. Sometimes they’ll target quiet lonely people like me who they may figure we would less likely reveal person behind mask or some will look for someone to enhance their own image .. Either way ..they are horribly cowardly monsters breaking down our deepest hopes and aspirations in the cruelest of ways. Very sick cowards, unmanly and inhumane. grownass men …One i knew now in late thirties. they’d have to be aware of how evil they are …really ..maybe their just too numb to know anything …because of all their “drug” supply. Ha ..funny thing , mine didn’t drink or drug whatsoever.
m
May 15, 2016 at 4:13 amConfoolish(confused+foolish)= Narcs
Con bond = Narcs
Bottom line- Users, Cheaters, Supply, Supply,Supply,Nothing grand about them!!!
Day by day get them out of your system,its work… They’re moving on all the time…
Live&Let Live- Be a stronger&wiser you
Its about you!!!
‘)
Jackie
April 23, 2016 at 1:50 amI new he was a N but I never actually read up the dangers of one ! I wish I read a little further than a N is just about himself ! Had I have known this never in a million years would I of carried on to find out my fate !! Word for word what I have just read is him, I have tried so many times to end this relationship and I have finally built up the strength to let go. These freaks should be made to go on some kind of register of offenders !! This is the worst form of abuse . Yet he carries on and now I am saving myself instead of women who he had internet relations with they will now have to find out for them selves!! Good riddance !!