I think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.
We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)
Throughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.
When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.
When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit. On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.
How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.
The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.
Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?
How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist. Recently, I discovered a possible neurological cause for this inability (or lack of mental capacity) to care about memories and even though it is not an excuse, it is certainly food for thought. The newly discovered neurological condition is call aphantasia and it is described as a person’s inability to visualize or voluntarily create in one’s mind’s eye mental images, real of imagined, of people, places or things. Literally, a person with aphantasia does not possess a “mind’s eye”. The canvas of this person’s mind is dark…a blank…and therefore, memories do not exist and, presumably, any history connected to relationships. Can this neurological “condition” be connected to narcissism? I do not know but it would certainly begin to put the puzzle pieces of the narcissistic personality together.
To a narcissist, to reject us is to reject all of the history that comes along…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it. In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.
Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)
REPOST (14) UPDATED 05/2021
Constan
February 4, 2017 at 11:03 amMy narc left me and my daughter after 3 yrs…he walked maintaining his squeaky clean image..dropped us just like that. I didn’t understand how this could me done when it seemed we were all happy and we treated each other well. Well it took him leaving and not calling to see who he really was. My first narc experience . He was judgemental of others ..seemed to be uncomfortable in his own skin but was very quiet charmer always seemed like he cared. Left 3 ex wives because of what they did to him, everyone of those stories he told shocked me because he was so good to me how could these woman have treated him this way.?? Everyone in his life wronged him especially his dad. Who abandoned them when he was 10..went from woman to woman he despised his dad. But still talked to him on the phone when he called and acted as if nothing was wrong. My narc hadn’t cried since he was 10. Lacked intimacy . ..sex with him always felt distant. But he always did the right thing he claimed he loved my daughter and me and always told us we were his family. I didn’t realize or see all the narc flags until he walked out on us. Then I realized who and what he was because it forced me to research why someone would walk out when things seemed fine. Well they were not. He insisted on paying all the bills while we were together but he left me knowing I was only working part time. I may have talked to him on the phone a few times after he left keeping him updated on my job seeking he would always say you will find something. Still maintaining his squeaky clean image…I hadn’t heard from him in months until he sent a text saying to make sure I put the utilities bill in my name etc etc…and about me renewing lease on my own…since
Our lease ended in Jan on 31…that’s when I proudly responded telling him I found a great job a few months ago and that I can afford to stay in the house. I got no response!! He had been paying half the rent until the lease ended. He also had keys. I also sent him a text a week later asking for the keys..no response they just shoes up in the mail. It was as if he was angry ..I thought I would have gotten a response like glad you are doing well but a week later all I got was a weird text from him saying…Don’t text me or v mail me I’M in a relationship. I responded back saying .. Congrats ..I will keep you both in prayer..,have a blessed night..and since I have not heard anything. BTW he moved around the corner when he left me. This has all been an eye opener. I am healing day by day. And now that I know what I was dealing with I feel stronger . ..I cried for 5 months when he left because I could not understand what happened. I know it hurt my daughter she never talks about him . When he left I told her he had to move because of his job…I was trying to protect her. I survived through this but I look at people now and it seems I can see through them..almost like I can feel what’s really going on with them regardless of the face they put on. I don’t get out much I go to work and come home . I’m finding myself again and praying for those going through the same. I’ve always had a big heart for people especially homeless and I feel one day Iwill be able to reach out and help others once I am healed from this.
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2017 at 5:29 pmHi Constan,
Yes, I love the part “But he always did the right thing he claimed he loved my daughter and me and always told us we were his family.” What a way to treat family! My ex narc did the same thing to me and my son after 13-years. His tone in the texts is typical as well. They reach out just to ensure that you never move on from the pain they have caused you. It’s a vicious cycle and it will never ever stop…not with the new girl or anyone that comes after. If I were you, I would block him from being able to text you or email you or whatever. Go NO CONTACT to his silent treatment. he doesn’t deserve a minute of your time ever again! Read my book When Love Is a Lie because you’ll see yourself on every page.
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
nancoise
January 26, 2017 at 1:12 pmThanks so much for this. Your article is great. It finally hit home with me. A narcissist friend dumped me after more than twelve years of close friendship, or so I thought, and the rejection was terribly painful and even sent me into depression for a while. But as you point out, those years and all that love meant nothing to her, she lied and manipulated to keep me close, and she not only changed the friendship, it’s as if it never happened for her. I’m now an acquaintance, but I run into her and it drags me down every time. It’s so liberating to own my own co-dependence in this case and affirm to myself that the love I offered her and her family was real. No love is wasted. I go on!
Zari Ballard
January 28, 2017 at 7:08 pmThanks for writing, Nancoise…stay strong! No love is wasted – amen!…Zari xo
Jonathon
February 9, 2017 at 12:00 pmImagine thinking they are ‘the one’ and then they dump you like a toy,tell you you are rubbish and try and delete your past with them, (revisiting with you the same places you went to when your first dated, and you can feel them deleting you from memory) I don’t know if its worse or not. When you see them again with a new boyfriend you feel pity for their next victim. Friendship is more complex. The betrayal still hurts I am sure.
Pamela
January 11, 2017 at 2:44 pmHi Zari, ive read 2 of your books and wouldn’t be surviving if i hadn’t so many thanks for being there. Have left narc husband its been 2 months. 9 years of subtle and not so subtle put downs, including my ‘crap’ job, im too skinny and look like a boy and its boring , my lines and wrinkles are too pronounced so i should fatten up (its not a good look), im to involved with my family, i dont earn enough money, i dont suit red lipstick, he didn’t like my hair too straight etc.. went through disappearance after disappearance i could go on forever with so many awful things. Went no contact and stayed like tbat for 8 months and then the big one! He ‘committed suicide’, well, he pretended to!! That’s how we ended up married after the biggest hoover tactic ever. I felt so guilty he would feel so bad to want to kill himself i went back and married him. Needless to say, once the idealise stage had ended so did his reformation! Went straight back to mind games, jealous rages, silent treatments and constant threats to leave me. I felt so ill could not eat/sleep so finally i left. Guess what? Im the bad person! Im so low myself but by reading your books and blogs i will strive to a full recovery and hopefully a much less chaotic life. What ive told you here barely scratches the surface of what ive been through with him but thanks for your wonderful books which really do help and give us all hope that recovery can and will be ours to have and to hold from this day forward xx
Zari Ballard
January 14, 2017 at 11:26 amHi Pam,
Thank you for sharing your story (and I know it’s just a fraction – there isn’t enough space in cyberspace to write it all down I think! LOL). I’m grateful that my books could help you. Keep it going and stay focused. Keep your eye on the prize (freedom, happiness) and ignore his abuse and accusation and blame. It means nothing in the big picture and you are perfect just the way that you are!
Stay strong, sister, and write anytime…we are all here to support you:)
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
January 20, 2017 at 4:42 pmRight on, Pam! You CAN do this…..Life is too short to put up with this nonsense. Like I always say, the narc will waste your time until the END of time….Learn from my mistakes! ….Zari xo
mbali
October 9, 2016 at 4:54 amI like to share with you all how it can all happen so fast. My narcissistic friend refused to understand that I had the word no in my vocabulary. And each time I changed my mind about something which I felt I had been pressured into, she would quickly tell me there is something wrong with me. And I wouldn’t respond to that. Lately, she has not been able to read me because I don’t give her any reactions anymore, which ales her feel she is looking control. I do get the ” I am bitter person Con-ment” lol, because that is what it is. She once threatened to kill my boyfriend because I was spending too much time with him – I had broken up with him prior to that so we were spending a good chunk of time together. Lol, at one point, she began befriending all my other friends in order to make sure she would know everything about me and keep me on the leash. Lol. Each time I mentioned to her that we are just friends and I own my person, she went into a rage saying I am planning to abandon her and I think I am better than everyone. I suppose my confidence threatened her. Once she sent me a text and told me she is killing herself, I simply texted all her close friends and told them to check.on her as I was too busy at work, she never killed herself I never begged her out of it, but later that afternoon she came around to my flat saying she needed to talk. I told her, the truth about her and how it is so emotionally violent to play the suicide card. Lol. She said she appreciates me.because I forgave her and she knows that I have strong boundaries. The nerve!
Here’s some of her text
I wish you all the best my nigz you on you’re way up!!May the Universe continue to bless youre beautiful spirit !- last night @21.00pm
All I know is you will never come across a human like me and you will carry me in you till existence ceases.
I’ll be like a soul shadow and my reflection will creep in your thoughts and haunt you’re emotions many nights to come.
That look you always sore when you looked in my eyes that is the look that will never leave you- this morning at 7.am
I’m not responding to all this garbage and I know she is going to cry wolf.
Zari Ballard
October 12, 2016 at 12:36 amHi Mbali,
Ever seen the movie “Single White Female”? Yikes! Not for anything, girl, but this person sounds weirdly dangerous and isn’t the slightest bit entertaining. And she isn’t a “narcissist”…she’s a sociopath and possibly a psychopath or perhaps she is simply mentally disturbed. Either way, I’m really not sure why you are hanging with her at all. Get a restraining order and block her or something. I’m not sure how to interpret all your “lols” but it sounds as if you are amused by the fact that she’s obsessed with you and, in fact, are egging it on by “telling” her what she is and “dismissing” her threats to kill your boyfriend and to kill herself. That’s odd to me and makes your post very questionable. If I’m wrong, please write back to elaborate but, until then, I have no further comment.
Zari
Jackie
August 20, 2016 at 10:06 amThank you so much. I needed this. Happening right now.
Julia
August 16, 2016 at 3:05 pmHey Zari, I am feeling a little bit confused about the events that have transpired over the week, and I’m not sure if I had dealt with a narcissist or if I’m the crazy one. I know I have dealt with peoplenlike that before but this one is really unnerving.
I am almost 30. Last year I met someone at My work. He had gone through a lot of pain and grief in his life as had I. When I was 16 I was sexually abused by an Internet predator and then raped 2x in my early 20s. With that I do have some major trust issues and have recently discovered my bisexuality as I feel safer intimately with women.
Anyways , I meet this guy who is 50- and within a month he says he’s in love with me, he says I’m the most beautiful woman he’s met, amazing, smart, etc and that we will go to Europe and wanted to elope in holland together, which I took with a grain of salt. He seemed like a very genuine person and seemed to care about what I was going through. I told him many of my secrets and hopes, we would meet for coffee, so on and so forth. He told me everything about his past and his life which I will take to the grave with me. He wanted to build a future with me and introduce me to his family.
I don’t know if it could be called love bombing but it was beginning to get overwhelming. He would talk highly of himself saying how smart he was what he’s always done for people etc etc. The listening and friendship part was nice but I could never bring myself to say I loved him back because I didn’t feel that way. He wanted to progress with the relationship and I told him many times I wanted to be friends and I had an open relationship. He would thank me for being there for him which i know I have been in the short time we have known each other.
He would always ask for my trust, saying he always poured his heart out and why I didn’t do the same- he knew about my rape and abuse but not the fact I was bisexual because I felt it was none of anyone’s business.
Last week I told him I was bisexual and liked him as a friend as I did many times and he flipped his lid. He said I played him for a fool, that I lied to him when I didn’t tell him the whole truth, sent me on guilt trips “I can’t listen to (this band) anymore because it reminds me of you’ “everything we had is over” and accused me of cheating him out of opportunities with women that he could have been fucking or dating but in another breath he had only eyes for me which is why he turned them down.when he first told
Me about the women at the bar I said he can do whatever he wants and I have no control over him or his choices. he said his breath money and time on me was wasted, only because I liked him because he was a nice person and that’s it. He said that he would give his love to a woman who deserved it and kept reminding me of everything he did for me which made me feel like a horrible person. He accused me of being cold and clinical and using him as his sugar daddy but I responded indignantly which is what he wanted to see. He have me the keys to his house 2 days prior only to take them back again. I feel Terrible for hurting him as we can’t help each other’s hearts, but mine wasn’t in it and we had agreed it was a friendship.
People at my work knew how he felt and started putting 2 and 2 together. After our fallout he took his name off the volunteer sign up sheet for an event because it broke his heart to see me and he told me he would retreat because this caused him a depression. I can definitely empathize as heartbreak sucks but that drove the spike in more. He says that he is flying solo and can’t take heartbreak, and that he’s lost everything. This is where I feel gas lighted and confused. I’ve been crying all day. He called me today and I laid into him which felt good but made me wonder if it was rage on my part. I was pissed off because I had a rotate conversation and it got back to this guy. help!!!!
Zari Ballard
August 21, 2016 at 11:56 pmHi Julia,
I’m sorry you have been through so much trauma in your life. You are so young and I can see where trust issues would come into play. HOWEVER, I believe that you are spot-on with this guy and should have no guilt whatsoever about kicking him to the curb. It sounds to me that he was doing his best to love-bomb you into becoming his newest target and you got him first. He wasn’t expecting it at all and therefore he was/is suffering narcissistic injury. Who cares!! Good for you for allowing yourself to FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION…YOUR GUT FEELING. IT IS NEVER EVER WRONG. We often don’t EVER listen and this is how we end up in the situations that we do with these creatures. You did the right thing.
You are okay. Pay him no mind. Let him go off and lick his wounds like the self-centered narcissist that he is. I think it’s awesome. Rock on, girl!
Zari xo
Jennifer
August 11, 2016 at 6:58 amThis is so right on. But I will take one small exception with your statement that we rarely connect with a Narc when our self esteem is low. Mine was in the pits when a married Narc came my way and it soared to the heavens because of him. I was in a tough marriage at the time and my N made me feel like I was a rock star.
Of course, he was cheating on me with other women and once I found this out I was crushed to dust. He discarded me when I found out. He hoovered and I responded positively and then he wouldn’t follow through and ran off with one of his regular other women. Again, crushed to dust. And he had the nerve to tell me I was just upset because I had emotions invested in him when he clearly said our relationship was “no emotions”. Yet he would draw that emotion out of me again and and again in our relationship.
I’m rebuilding my life. I’m desperately trying to believe I have worth. It’s hard.
Zari Ballard
August 15, 2016 at 6:16 pmHi Jennifer,
Actually, I agree…you’re right about the self-esteem but, in my thinking, it’s more the sociopath that targets those with low self-esteem. When a narcissist meets someone with great confidence and self-esteem, his goal will be to break her down and he’ll be patient, often taking years to do it. If the narc meets a girl with low self-esteem, it’s often way too much trouble to have to build her up and he’s simply not that interested. Some narcs (and I would even have to say “most”) aren’t that motivated when it comes to building people up. LOL The sociopath – which is simply a narc with that little bit of extra evil – will gladly take the low-self esteem target and build her up, up, up. They revel in the pleasure of doing that and it goes far beyond the meager Idolize phase of the unmotivated narcissist who has to love-bomb the confident target, know what I mean? A sociopath will really ramp it up just so that the fall will have a much bigger impact. For both monsters, of course, it is the break-down that is the ultimate goal.
I could be wrong but this is how I differentiate between the narcissist and his much more polished older brother, the Sociopath. LOL
xoxox