When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
Zari’s on YouTube – Subscribe Today (This video fixed!)
The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
Get Zari’s Book – Change Your Life
You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Martina
August 30, 2018 at 6:21 am5 months supposed Narc free, and I just found out he has a new supply. I say supposed because although he told me he was a narc and his actions led me to believe he was, I seem to think that he is a changed man. 2 weeks pre-breakup fiasco, he started going to therapy which I had pushed for, in order to tackle his past issues which seemed to be leaking into our relationship.
I am of the understanding and belief that he learnt and took a lot away from our relationship because he told me so. 2 months after we broke up, he contacted me saying he fully acknowledges that he was in the wrong and ruined what we had. He also thanked me for sticking up for myself, for sending him to therapy and that now he appreciates how truly important the ‘little things’ were in life (which is something I always said to him). He also said that he was not ready for a new relationship as he has a lot to fix on himself. He said I deserved someone who didn’t treat me like he did, and deserve the very best because he didn’t see the good in front of him due to his issues.
Roll on 2 months after this communication, he is seeing someone else and I still believe he is a changed man (he is 33 y/o) and took on the things he learnt into this new romance. I feel pretty much used and feel stupid for bothering to sending him to therapy because now he is changed for someone else.
Any insight would be appreciated x
Rebs
August 30, 2018 at 6:20 am5 months supposed Narc free, and I just found out he has a new supply. I say supposed because although he told me he was a narc and his actions led me to believe he was, I seem to think that he is a changed man. 2 weeks pre-breakup fiasco, he started going to therapy which I had pushed for, in order to tackle his past issues which seemed to be leaking into our relationship.
I am of the understanding and belief that he learnt and took a lot away from our relationship because he told me so. 2 months after we broke up, he contacted me saying he fully acknowledges that he was in the wrong and ruined what we had. He also thanked me for sticking up for myself, for sending him to therapy and that now he appreciates how truly important the ‘little things’ were in life (which is something I always said to him). He also said that he was not ready for a new relationship as he has a lot to fix on himself. He said I deserved someone who didn’t treat me like he did, and deserve the very best because he didn’t see the good in front of him due to his issues.
Roll on 2 months after this communication, he is seeing someone else and I still believe he is a changed man (he is 33 y/o) and took on the things he learnt into this new romance. I feel pretty much used and feel stupid for bothering to sending him to therapy because now he is changed for someone else.
Any insight would be appreciated x
Lyn
August 26, 2018 at 6:01 pmLyn
My narc abandoned our 30 year marriage with young adult children living at home for co-worker he had just met. He kept his double life so well hidden, what we thought was travel for work turned out to be him cheating. Why do these jerks turn so manipulative, compulsively lie and detach from their own children.
Do these people eventually realise the destruction they cause or regret?
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2018 at 3:02 pmHi Lyn,
Here’s an article that I wrote that may answer your question……xo
Kiwi Williams
August 9, 2018 at 3:39 amI been knowing my ex narcissist since 95. I dated him off and on because the man I was actually in love with cheated on me. He was my first love and the father of my kid’s and I just needed someone to take my mind off of him. That’s when I meet my ex N. I saw red flags but because I wasn’t trying to be with him I ignored the confrontations we went through. Fast forward years later we ended up being in a relationship. My life has been miserable since then. He’s cheated lied disappeared at least one every other week. Start fight’s arguments for absolutely no reason. Had a baby on me that I ended up allowing to live in my house and behind my back he would take to the woman house he was cheating on me with for her to babysit if I had work are if he talk so bad to me I refuse to watch his child. He destroyed the whole house and everything in it including all my belongings. He would cuss me out tell me how he makes love to the other woman. I mean when I say this man would rip my heart out and I cry and beg him to stop talking to me about her and I don’t want to hear details it’s like it would fuel his heart … These are just a few things I went through. I hate myself for allowing me and my daughter to go through so much evilness. I hate myself for allowing my daughter to have to watch me go through such abuse. I have been homeless for three years because I couldn’t catch myself. He would always treat another woman better than me including my friends. But when another woman wasn’t around he would pretend to love me. On a good day. Any other day he would talk about me call me name’s degrade me insult me take all my deepest secrets and insecurities I’ve shared with him and throw it in my face. I’m so damaged from this relationship. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I try so hard to ignore him but for some sick reason I can’t all the time. I don’t know how to let go. It’s like everyday i cuss myself out because why do I allow someone who doesn’t even like respect love are care about me at all continue to be in my life and control me. I need help ASAP!!!
karebear313
July 29, 2018 at 5:10 pmThis is exactly what I’m experiencing right now…I have been in a 12 year long relationship with a man whom I believe is a narcissist…we split up in January of this year and by Valentine’s day he was already in a new relationship with someone related to my family! The weeks prior to getting involved with this woman he was texting me that he loved me and wanted to come home, showing up at my door in years, and as soon as he got together w this woman, all of that abruptly stopped…I would love to say that I’m relieved, but in reality, I am so hurt…its crazy because when he was begging to come back I wanted nothing to do with him, but as soon as I found out he was in a relationship, I felt like I wanted him back…I would go crazy with the “what if he’s making her happy?” thoughts…what if he’s doing the things for her that he could never do for me?? I was unsure if he was a true narcissist for awhile, it wasn’t until we split up that I really started to realize that I was used…unrealized that all of his relationships have been with successful women that could take care of him, including the new girl…In the beginning of our relationship, he definitely “love bombed” me (just like he’s doing with the new girl)…he wanted to be around me 24/7, gave me gifts, called me constantly, brought bags of clothes over to my house so that he could spend days at a time there…he didn’t work and really had no goals in life, but I was so blinded by his charming personality and his beauty that I chose to ignore the signs…about three months into our relationship he decided to go back to his ex because he was facing homelessness and I hadn’t offered him to move in with me…after a couple of months of being with his ex, I came home and found a letter in my mail box from him, apologizing and saying his much he missed me…long story short, I ended up taking him back-stupid, I know…well we had a beautiful son together who is now 10 years old…he is one of the reasons why I stayed with him and put up with his horrible phycological and emotional abuse, I grew up in a broken home and my older children were also, and I wanted to save my youngest from that experience,… Plus I was really in love with him…I stuck by this man through thick and thin…he is an addict and his addiction got so out of control that he started to steal things from our home and pawn them, he would never take responsibility for what he did, he would say “well I bought it, so technically its mine, and I can do what I want with it”, even if it was a gift to my children….for example, this past Christmas, he stole ALL of the kids presents and sold them for drugs…that was the last straw…I kicked him out and actually felt relief… When I would confront him on his constant lies and excuses, he would always find a way to place the blame on me…he wanted constant attention and would get jealous if my children got more attention than him…he wanted to be praised for the simplest task that he did…he would disappear for days at a time, and tell me to shut up when I got upset…I had a male friend that I’ve known since childhood, and if I wanted to just sit on his porch and hang out, he would follow me and hide in the bushes to spy, even though I always invited him to come…as far as I know, he never cheated on me, but who really knows what he was up to when he disappeared on his binges, the only reason he didn’t cheat on me is because I was his bread and butter, he never, ever could hold a job, and it was always someone’s else’s fault when he lost it, I took care of him financially, and he knew that if he did he would have nowhere to go…I also took care of his mother, she lived with us for years…anyway, I have doubts as to if he is a true narcissist, what do you think? There are pictures all over Facebook of him with his new girlfriend, I blocked them, but then I created a new account so that I could occasionally go in and spy on them…I can’t get it out of my head…I’ve been in other long term relationships before and I’ve never hurt like this, I’ve always been able to move on… I’ve been dating but I just can’t see myself with anyone else…the thing is, I don’t want him back, I just don’t want him to be happy!!! He doesn’t deserve it!! Over the years with him, I begged and pleaded for him to change, for him to control his anger and hold down a job…and now it seems he’s doing all of those things for this woman! It drives me insane! I tried to warn the new girl but she ignored me…I just wish he would show his true colors to her soon, he deserves to be miserable…I’m so lost and I just want to move on already!! I would love to read your books but I have been so financially strapped lately, as I don’t get a dime from him, he ignores his child support order…anyway, he has taken everything from me…before him, I was a bright, successful person, now I am nothing…any tips on how to get over this and get back to myself would be so appreciated!
Cheryl L.
May 29, 2018 at 6:16 amThank you for your post
Im busy divorcing my narc husband.he filed 6months back .we have a 4yr old daughter.we have joint custody for now as I am the custodian parent for now as it was singed iff by family advocates office..I am very worried about our daughter as ive had so many problems every time she comes back from her father from hes visits.we are still to get divorce finalized as well as child support as hes failed to pay Anything for over 6 months now.pls any advice will be appreciated as how to deal with divorce court as well as maintenance this week Friday.he has done nothing but made our lives hell and we will soon lose our transport as he stopped making payments on my car and my cars insurance.
Regards Cheryl
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 3:37 pmHi Cheryl,
The first thing I am going to do after I write this response is remove everything but your first name from your post:) There is no need for your narc husband to know that you are looking for answers. Secondly, I have three or more article on this website about co-parenting with the narc so please find them in the sidebar dropdown menu under co-parenting. I believe they will help because I have been through the same thing. You have to take control. He is obviously enjoying his manipulative ways and the fact that you are stressing. The truth, about the child, is that she will be just fine as long as YOU are the best parent you can be. It’s a tricky situation but you have to work within the divorce with DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE and no emotions (that he sees). And do NOT let up on the child support. He HAS to pay and do not let him bully you into changing the rules because you can’t. He is not above the law. I wish I knew more details about the divorce so I can better understand what he’s up to. Write back if you can or use my Contact Me page to share details. I also offer consultation packages and have helped MANY MANY people, women AND men, get through the divorce. You’ve gotta stay ten steps ahead. However, if you can’t afford that I will do my best to email you advice. Do not give up hope!
Zari:)
Martin
March 5, 2018 at 1:02 amThank you for your post it was very helpful. Ive been 9 months no contact from my ex narc girlfriend. Im extremely happy i was able to get out on a clean slate. We only dated for 8 months but i couldnt help my curiosity as to why she treated me so bad it was a daily thing to wonder what will i get yelled at for today and i was never at ease. Speaking about her treatment to me only backfired and I was blamed or she would say it was a joke. Final straw when i stood up to her she just blamed me for having an attitude and told me to get out of her house. I gladly left and tossed the keys left everything else behind. Past 9 months ive just been doing research on this because i knew nothing on narcissism and borderlines. Right now we have mutual friends who understand the situation or i think they do. I spend time with these friends and i know its a matter of time i will run into my ex very soon. Should i be concerned hanging out with the mutual friends? Theyre good people but i dont want to cause a scene if my ex goes into her rage or mouths off to me. Im good at walking away but at the same time i dont want to ruin the friendship i have with the others. Sometimes also i feel like some of them are feeding info to her since i blocked her in everything. Example one of them one evening hanging oui kept taking video and pics of me and it was the first time i had seen this friend since i broke up with her bestie ( my ex )