When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Arlo
December 19, 2018 at 4:31 pmHi me again you are right. My take on the lady was completely based on what he said about her. Turns out she’s lovely and had no idea who he really was. She’s heartbroken. And now stuck with him. I hope he changes. But if she hadn’t found out (thanks to me) he’d still be running around in her with no remorse or guilt. And I believe he will again but I’ll not get involved. She will inevitably learn the hard way. Very sad.
Paloma
December 19, 2018 at 4:27 pmI have a sad feeling he really WANTS to change who he is for this new person. They have a baby. I hate feeling vindictive. But why does he get to be happy? Not only that but i ended up speaking with her so she knows him now. It was a complete surprise to her who he really is. I feel bad for her if she caves again because I know he is addicted to hard drugs. I know he will get bored with her. I know he will be the same person. 2 months. 6 months. A year. He literally has no guilt. No empathy. I know him very well. I know it’s not my circus (and I am relieved he’s not my problem now). I just feel badly she will keep her children with him. I know it will end badly. I don’t think any amount of therapy can make people feel. He only changes his behaviour long enough to get his freedom back. I’ve watched him do it. Scary for her and her kids man. Just scary. None of my business though. I warned her. What she doesn’t realize is the very act of forgiving him every time lessens her value in his eyes every time more and more. He thinks he will win every time. Until he’s totally into someone else and then he will have no trouble watching her walk away. He’s a nightmare.
Camelia Gamble
November 16, 2018 at 8:12 amYes my narc abandoned his 18 years of marriage with a teenager son. He had been having a affair for two years. It hurt me to the core. He financially and mentally ruined me and now I am trying to pick up the pieces. It has been challenging, he is dragging out the divorce and has said every possible mean thing he can about me in court papers which is not true. Just as you stated, when he does show up to pick up my son, he acts like he is the happiest person alive. As if I made his life miserable, its very hurtful. When I read the article it sounds like you know him, thank you for bringing to life what I knew. I’m not released yet of this emotional turmoil, but I’m taking one step at a time.
Bonny
November 15, 2018 at 7:22 pmI was with my ex-boyfriend for 8 months. It was the most confusing time of my life. It started off great. After about three months, I started seeing some strange behavior from him, but I really wanted the relationship work, so I ignored it. Bad idea, I know. At one point, he told me he didn’t want me to see one of my friends anymore because he felt like she judged him. He would get irritated about insignificant things. One time (and one time only) I showed up to meet him 10 minutes late, and he was very quiet. When I asked what was wrong, he lectured me about how being late is disrespectful, but there was a traffic jam and I couldn’t avoid it. Another time, he was irritated when my phone died and told me I should have canceled all my plans to rush home to charge my phone. He wasn’t even worried about my safety. He was just irritated that I couldn’t respond when he wanted me to.
Near the end, he started accusing me of not being where I said I was and being selfish. None of those things were true. I finally found out that he was seeing someone else during the last month that we were together. We broke up, and they are now together. What really hurts me is that he started mistreating me around month 3, and they’ve been together for 5 months now and have moved in together, so obviously if she wants to live with him, he’s treating her well. It makes me feel better to think he’s a narcissistic. It would explain some of his crazy behaviors, and it would make me feel like he treats everyone badly, not just me. But the two of them genuinely seem happy together, so maybe he’s not a narcissistic. Then what would have caused him to mistreat me, but be kind to her? I would think that if a person has the capability to mistreat one girlfriend, then that’s part of his character, but he’s doing kind things for her that he never did for me. Maybe I was just a rebound. He never told me when his last relationship ended. Maybe he was always comparing me in his mind to his previous girlfriend and that’s why he mistreated me. Now he’s had time to heal and can have a healthy relationship with the new girl. I don’t know. I just feel like he only mistreated me, and he’s good to everyone else. He would call me crazy and dumb and ridiculous things whenever I would try to find solutions. Then I realized he was never trying to find solutions. He was just trying to win. There are so many more details I could share, but I don’t want this to get too lengthy.
I talked to a friend of mine who dated a narcissist several years ago, and the narcissistic left her to be with another girl. He is kind and good to her, and they have been together for three years, so that’s what scares me. Maybe my narcissist can also be kind and good. He just chose to emotionally abuse me and no one else. 🙁 Maybe I wasn’t his type. Maybe he was bored with me. But why is he so good to her?
Kathleen O'Flaherty
October 24, 2018 at 4:17 pmI think this article saved my soul today, thank you for your ability to help me find clarity and understand the emotional chaos I’ve been subjected to. I am released 🙂
Zari Ballard
October 26, 2018 at 1:07 pmWell, Kathleen….your message made my day. Clarity is what we need to come out of the darkness, the fog. If I can help with that, I am grateful. Stay strong, sister, and keep on the right path….xo
shawn
October 22, 2018 at 2:50 pmamen to this. my ex female narc put me thru the ringer, and still reaches out. Devilish creatures
Arlo
September 27, 2018 at 3:17 pmI don’t know if mine is a narc or not. He acts like one with me but he slept with so many women and he’s private and secret about all. Anyway he’s gone now because one of his liaisons he barely knew got pregnant. He hated her for it (she seems a desperate broke 30 something Was he out-played? Are there two narcs now?) all I know is he melts for his children. He says he doesn’t love this woman but has played the role because he was “scared to death” and by that I think he meant financially. Well the baby just arrived and she played him more saying she was now unemployed and broke and her and her son are now moving in. He says for a couple of months (I would bet she thinks forever). Anyway he is VERY attached to his first kid. They are very close in fact this new baby really did a number in that relationship. So is he a narc? Or did he just not like me enough? Who uses someone like that? And now I’m asking the same questions about his new live in. And if I loved him would I be hoping they’re unhappy? I mean I always thought all summer in anticipation of this kid that I was over him and that I wanted him to be happy(hence we were still talking as friends) it didn’t bother me. Until this week when baby arrives and he’s short answers and ignoring. Now I Know and understand the mess he’s got with the first kid, the new kid,the new hyperactive adhd kid she brings with her…so I’m trying to put my feelings aside and wish him peace and happiness. But there is a part of me that broke this week. I’ve had a cry every day since that baby came. And there is a tiny wish that it won’t end well because quite frankly neither of them deserve it. And I feel I do which I think is the point. I was devoted to him for years she just meets him gets knocked up (she’s younger) and now she’s moved in????? I feel like I’d be happy for them if I was happy lol. But I feel like I’m the one paying in misery and everyone else who doesn’t deserve it is happy. God am I a narc? I want to be full of grace about it. And I know I wasn’t prepared to give up 20 years with a baby on a chance so maybe she does love him more? I don’t know. I’m hurt and I have a loss of a friend. Everything is different. I want remorse or regret or something. I want to be free and over it. I wish I’d never met him. Every other man I’ve ever been with was wonderful and I’ve been engaged three times! Lol maybe I am a narc? But I’m so empathetic! I’m confused. Who is the bad person here??? What’s to become of them and more… of me? I feel old now at 44 wasted my best years 😢
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2018 at 12:20 pmHi Arlo,
Your feelings are completely natural given the circumstances. Whether this guy is a narc is beside the point because he has a very big problem. He likes to cheat and sometimes he gets a girl pregnant. Not a sustainable way to be involved with somebody. You seem to lay blame on the women that he is involved with and I assure you, they have been going through the same crap that he put you through. The narcissist sees everyone on the same emotional level. Because these women have kids with him, I’m sure it takes it to an entirely different level and this is why he has to lean in that direction. Don’t be so sure he really cares about these children. It’s more likely that he is trying to keep up the “good dad” appearances and stay out of child support troubles. He just doesn’t sound like a very honest guy and you have dodged a bullet. It’s always bittersweet when someone we love or loved has a baby with someone else. No one would expect you to be jumping for joy. It’s not about wishing them the best. It is simply about you moving on. I know it’s hard, I wasted 13 years and ALL of my 40’s so I understand that. But you are still young with a good part of your 40’s left! Go and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy no matter what this jerk is up to. Break contact and find your own way:)
Zari:) xo