The narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you – and this is the ONLY reason. If you remember nothing else from what I tell you, you must remember that. The sociopath and narcissist will hoover for no other reason than to get another chance to hurt you. This is why it seems that the narcissist returns only to leave again – and this time quicker than the time before. He might even get up and leave after the great make-up sex, saying he’ll be right back or he’ll call you later and – POOF – he’s gone again. Make no mistake…all these “comings and goings” are intended to hurt you. It’s all by grande narcissistic design.
It’s important that we understand that the life of the narcissist’s target is nothing more than a massive playing field upon which the N can hone his evil skills. It’s a stomping ground where he can practice better ways to execute his game and plan for the attack. Knowing this, when we agonize over whether a narcissist will come back or if he will ever return after a silent treatment the answer, obviously, is maybe…but then what? Any time away from the narc is a step in the right direction so are you really ready to go back to square one after coming this far? Think about it.
Narcissists, of course, do not miraculously fix themselves while they’re away although they certainly will try to tell you differently. Returns are usually prompted by the bad behaviors of whomever they left you for (and they did leave you for someone) or the ding of the bell as your name pops back up in the queue or by any one of a myriad of warped narratives dictated by the narcissist’s relationship agenda. And because the narcissist knows you as well as you think you know him, he is confident in the fact that he’s managed down your expectations to the point that you’ll take him back without significant repercussions or consequences. This is a highly dysfunctional dynamic, my friends, and you are settling for crumbs by allowing this behavior.
I receive so many letters from women and men who have succeeded with No Contact to the point that they are actually living life in the manner that they deserve. It makes me want to rejoice, it really does. I know how hard it is to stick to No Contact because I was never very good at it. What happens, though, inevitably, is that somewhere along the line I start receiving the question of whether or not the N will return from those who have been doing well. Why does this happen and why is it so fucking hard to let this bastard (or bitch) go? What is the “hold” and why is it so strong? Is this sudden, out-of-the-blue feeling of slight panic or desperation normal? My answer is yes…yes it is.
When we start wondering if maybe…just maybe…the narcissist (our ex) will come back, hoover, or reappear after a disappearance, or start communicating after a silent treatment, we are falling back into the waiting pattern that kept us hostage for years. Seriously, think about the amount of time that you’ve spent waiting for your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife over the course of your relationship.
When I look back on my life with the ex, there’s no doubt that we spent more time apart than together and he made sure of that! I talk about this at length in my book When Love Is a Lie. In this book, I tell you in detail what happened to me over thirteen years and how I finally mentally called it off even before we split up for good. I started making small choices that changed the way I behaved in reaction to his narcissistic behaviors and the result was amazing. It’s about changing your perspective and if I did it, you can do it too.
You must understand that none of this nonsense will ever change – ever. Not for you, not for the next person, and not for the ones that come after that. Get the irrational thought that this is even a possibility right out of your head.
The narcissist will continue to hurt you until the end of time because that’s what narcissists do and they enjoy it. Your suffering is actually the narcissist’s reward for a job well done and don’t you forget it. If he couldn’t mess with your head, he literally would have nothing to do. Letting go of the narcissist is about removing yourself from the mental anguish…from the perpetual waiting game that keeps you clinging to a false love. Co-dependency is a very real thing and so is trauma bonding and all of these things probably have happened to you over the course of your experience with a narcissistic partner. There are so many reasons why we fall back after doing so well…after feeling stronger than ever for the first time in forever…and we must be gentle with ourselves and at the same time be sane in our response to it.
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You don’t have to give in to the feeling of missing this very bad person and you also don’t have to forgive a narcissist – not now or in the future. When you start asking yourself if he will return, if you feel like you’re suddenly waiting again, if you don’t understand why you’ve taken ten steps back after moving five steps forward, understand that you are in recovery much like any other addict.
Look hard at your intention with everything you do, say, and think during this time. Deep down, you don’t want the narcissist back. Not really. I know you don’t. The good sex (when he obliged) or the funny joke (when he felt like entertaining you) or the “I love you” (when he was telling you what you needed to hear to give him what he wanted) or the tenderness (that he extended to everyone when duty called)…none of that is worth more your freedom and happiness, my friends.
Remember that throughout the relationship and during every break-up or silent treatment, our suffering changed nothing. If our suffering changes nothing, then we might as well try to be fucking happy!
Stay strong and be safe in the journey!
Shay
May 24, 2016 at 6:16 amthanks
Shay
May 24, 2016 at 6:12 amHi. I’ve had the fortunate (not so!) experience of being married to a narcissist and then long after being divorced, dating one for 10 months, and one who promised me the world. Shocking to discover how easily we repeat our bad preferences. This article is brilliant but just to add that it’s not easy to recognize a narcissist at the outset but the signs will always be there, just look very very closely and follow your gut instinct…. let go earlier rather than later. NEVER EVER go back to a narcissist…. everything in this article is true! They love no one! Block him/her out, physically, emotionally and mentally… there is no place for a narcissist in a sane person’s life. Hope is there… there is life beyond narcissists, just get out and find it!
Mary-Helen
May 20, 2016 at 6:51 pmHi there, my friend sent me this link after my boyfriend dumped for the third time. He begged me to marry him (again) & then got mad about workplace gossip (so he said), then I found out he hooked up with a much younger coworker that could ruin his career! I was starting to do okay, transferred out of our workplace, went back to the gym, and he messaged my best friend claiming he wanted to apologize (I have him blocked everywhere). That was two months ago. No apology. No contact. But he can cyberstalk me every few days. I’m getting a new job away from our company, I’m doing well but he’s come back to my life after TWO YEARS. Do you think he’d come back again?
Zari Ballard
May 23, 2016 at 4:47 amHi Mary-Helen,
Look, you can’t worry about whether he’d come back or not. You have to carry on as if he WON’T. The good thing is that you’re leaving the place where you had worked together – that will be key to him leaving you alone this time around. Just keep him blocked EVERYWHERE and that includes all social media, email, phone, and anywhere else. He can’t cyberstalk you if you cover all the bases and that’s actually pretty easy. As for your friends, inform that you’d prefer NOT to get updates or to have messages passed via proxy. The only reason he contacted her was to send you a message to get you thinking just like you are now. I would focus on leaving that job and starting a whole new life. The rest will take care of itself in due time.
Zari:)
Mary-Helen
May 29, 2016 at 1:56 pmShe blocked him too right afterwards. So have all of my friends. We’ve worked hard to make sure he has to stay away. I’ve been applying at other jobs. He still reads my blog, but meh, I’m not giving up my writing outlet because of him. I’m just afraid of being sucked back in, so I work really hard to build my life back up again.
Noelle
May 18, 2016 at 4:45 pmI’m so glad I have been searching the Internet day in and day out on this topic. It has totally helped me a great deal in healing. I was with an N for about a year, I had only fallen this hard for someone one other time in my life so I was so overjoyed. He was the most amazing and charming man I had ever encountered in my life (well it seemed that way at the time) he had a girlfriend when he started liking me (I should have seen that as a red flag) we flirted for 6 months then got together, the way he would stare at me with his amazing blue eyes would send chills throughout my entire body. I started noticing things after only 5 weeks!!! for the first 5 weeks he was Prince Charming, I swear he must have googled “101 ways to get laid” or something because the lines he was using were so off the wall yet I fell for everyone of them. Also Told me he was looking at houses big enough for me and my kids to move in, (Never even ended up inviting me over his house once) told me I wasn’t going to have to work holidays anymore because he wanted me to spend them with him,(blew me off every single weekend and every single holiday for the entire time we dated) told me he hadn’t felt this way before and that he had admired me for years. (This total admiration that he had for all these years, wore off in just 5 weeks?) Told me he had finally found the one! Then the second after we were intimate for the first time he rolled over and said “ya know its real easy for me to dismiss someone out of my life” I was like what??? I felt like that was said to deliberately hurt me but couldn’t figure out why someone that loves me would want to hurt me. He then would ignore me for weeks sometimes almost months at a time, only sending me a text in the morning and a text in the evening saying the same old thing, and he only lived around the corner from me. Never took me to lunch, dinner,movies, anything, not once!!! I was always scared to talk to him, if I even slightly brought up how I was feeling, he would get irate and tell me he had a migraine and didn’t want to deal with this. I kept asking myself “where did that man that I fell in love with go?” Then he ended up having major surgery and almost died, was in the hospital for 2months, still sending me texts but begging me not to come up to the hospital. Ended up with someone who was treating him in the hospital and already bought a house with her after only 5 months, say what???He never even really broke up with me. I had my heart broken before but never like this,I fell into a deep depression and knew there was more to it but couldn’t figure it out until I did some research and realized I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, I had no idea there was such a thing!!! I couldn’t figure out why I still loved, longed for and missed a man so much that treated me like crap. I was still holding onto that fantasy that he created in my head from those first 5 weeks! I now know that I shouldn’t be upset that he’s with someone because chances are she will be finding out soon enough just like I and every woman before me did. I kind of feel bad knowing all this and not warning her but I’m staying out of it. His ex wife hates him and is a real B****. When I asked him why he married her if she was such a B****, his reply was “well she wasn’t anything like that before I married her” Hmmmmm I wonder what happened to her!!! Wish I would have seen that as a red flag!
Thank you for discussing this topic!!! With every comment and story I read, it makes my relationship with him and my feelings make total sense now, where before I just thought I was losing my mind!
Sue
May 6, 2016 at 2:56 pmMy ex husband of 6 yrs, tested the water last month. Haven’t had contact with him for 5 years. Left me to go off with a millionairess. Of course that wasn’t the first time that he’d left me during our 20 year relationship. He left me once when he’d moved me away from my hometown, then again when I was pregnant at 40 with our third child, and these were just his soul mates haven’t got a clue how many other women he shagged. His last partner had tried to stab him (I know how she felt), and apparently according to my son she is an alcoholic. He has lived of this woman for the past 5 years.
He emailed me, I couldn’t believe it. It was all about him and how he’d been abused both physically and emotionally. How he was glad to finally be free of the torment and how the last 5 years had been hell. I thought are you for real, probably still sees me as that needy little doormat that he has callously discarded time and time again.
Just wanted to say it’s fantastic to be free and not to walk on eggshells and second guess all the time. Don’t let them back into your lives, they are just sad empty creeps who will suck the life blood out of you and leave you like an empty husk.
Jennifer Qualia
May 29, 2016 at 5:26 pmYour story resonates in me. Thank u for giving me hope to never take back that asshole
Sonia
May 2, 2016 at 12:29 amI read this article and was a reinforcement of what I belive I had on my hands. I know this man for more the 15 years. He is one of the persons I use to respect a lot, one of the most intelligent and funny friends I had. He got married 15 years ago with a friend and had kids. 6 years ago she divorce him. We start dating 4month ago. I found the perfect man and I was his perfect woman. Nothing was wrong. He was saying and acting with me like we just lost time to rebound so late. He started fast seducing me, I am a very cerebral woman but I fall because I knew this person for so long and I trust him, he was my friend. We made love in the first night and was “the best sex” he had an must recognize was amazing for me as well.
I accepted to go and visit him and stay in his house after 2 weeks. He is leaving in another country so I found myself with him, in a new environment. Luckily I am a social butterfly and make friends fast I got easy in this new environment but he was changing. First, he start showing me messages from woman that are bothering him. Around the house were little things from women in his life and all the stories were about how much this ex lovers were suffering for him. The stories were all the same except the ex wife that made him suffer for lack of sex and he had to look outside of his marriage. I was scared! I was in love with a monster but he treated me so well. I said to myself maybe he changed so I calm down. One day I open a draw near bed and found a letter that was write by lady in pain. Was love panic letter that described her relation with him and how much she suffers. What hit me was that in her description she was using SAME words that he used to seduce me. He is going in automatic pilot in seduction process. He is not putting effort on it. I didn’t say anything about the letter but after this he started to try to break my confidence like: I have a too big sexual drive, He feels used for sex. Or saying that I dress funny…I am too soft. I looked at my ticket and I wanted initially to go faster but then he stopped and he start being nice again for a while. I melt again but he comeback strong now saying that in his life he needs a trio. And I should find a another woman so we can both please him. Then he start saying that all the woman around were his lovers or ex lovers. And he was right! He literally had sex with all of them. He was receiving messages from other 4-5 ladies and he started to get in touch with his ex wife but he was always saying that from all he loves me because I am perfect, the best of all woman in his life but he was treating me with indifference for weeks. I felt punish for loving and doing the right things and more for not breaking. He tried so hard to break my confidence but I was set up in survival mode already because I could sense the danger but in The same time was broken heart. I truly love him and he was my lifetime friend. We eventually left and he went in holiday so he stopped speaking with me saying that he feels the same but he doesn’t have time for me he have to concentrate on his family. I got mad, i spend in bed one week. He started to send me messages but I stop replying. In few days I already felt better but I wanted to speak with him, to asked him why? Then I realized that all that woman in his agenda never had closure. He keeps them suspended to be able to go back. So I didn’t had that need anymore. I get my own closure. Yesterday he sent pics with him and his ex wife. He return to her. I thought I will be devastated but actually I feel petty for her and I think that he really need help. He is sick and I was stupid for 4 months. I am more curious then anything what’s next and in the same time I feel that this man should be stopped but I am not stupid and no one will belive the dispperate just dropped ex-girlfriend. So I focus in my life now, blocking him from everything that he can access to speak with me because he kept sending me pics. I feel lucky! I realized that just after 4 months but hurts me a lot. These people are empty cases that that fills themselfs with others people pain and adoration. They can hurt badly, they can destroy life’s and feel no remorse. I will never contact him, I still feel the need and miss the one that seduced me but he doesn’t exist. I do yoga and meditation. I work on grow my self esteem. I run and spend time with people that cares for me. This help me to forgot that the only man I wanted to wake up every morning of the rest of my life was a delusional pshiho man.
Ali
April 25, 2016 at 5:56 amHello
English is not my native language so please excuse my mistakes.
I was in a relationship with a girl in my family for about 6 years, we got engaged three years ago, it was all fine until i had to move to another country for a better job prospect. After my relocation I observed her behavior changed after a couple of months of my moving out. She went quite and cold and distant. I confronted her and she said she is not sure about me. I was shattered and devastated. I asked her if there was anyone other than me or if something else about me was bothering her, she gave vague answers. I held on trying and did everything in my power to rekindle the same feelings, nothing worked. 3 months fast forward, she said she is not attracted towards me physically emotionally and psychologically. I snapped, but accepted her decision and tried to move on. She came back after 2 weeks telling me she was interested and that she had made a mistake and that i should accept her. That i also did.
From there on, she was with me til last month but was always unavailable, she was busy all the time, would take offence to any criticism, didn’t respond to my expectations (e.g. calling back or replying to texts knowing pretty well i would be waiting) started ignoring me, and started devaluing me. Last month I went to see her, her body language was completely changed from what it used to be, I grew suspicious, I had her mobile data extracted from a source and found out that she had been cheating for the last two years with a guy I asked her not to talk to (a family friend with a bad reputation with girls)
I took the evidence to her family, broke the engagement there and then and initiated no contact.
The problem now is that nobody in my circles including me is in a shock of a lifetime because no one was expecting this from her.
She had a very caring sharing generous type of personality and every one thought highly of her morally.
After my breakup, I was searching online about ways to move on when this term “narcissism” crossed my eyes and the more I read about it the more I am convinced she was a covert narcissist. Can anyone help me establish this?
Now that I recall, I remember following facts which make me think she was: (All this happened in the last two years while she was cheating)
She felt she was special
She associated herself with high value brands and restaurants etc
She felt she is entitled to vacations because she needs them
She once told me she knows she is not doing the right thing but its just the way it is
When I asked her to get married after a year or two, she said she does not want to think about it at the moment and will let me know when the time comes and if she is ready by that time
All this time she was heavily invested in her other relationship, ignoring me, devaluing me etc
She lied a lot, often i caught her lying she still defended it
Told everyone in family that I dont trust her
And that I drink and smoke and I become angry with her etc etc
Asked me not to share anything about her with her family
Didnt share any details of her friends or her routine
She said she doesn’t believe in love and emotions, it is all about the circumstances and perspective.
I told her she has become a mystery for me to solve
I once told her she is very self centered and doesn’t care about anyone else to which she informally laughed.
She said I overthink and complicate situations
She said no to everything that I said, If i confronted her she either became silent or became infurious
Even when I gave the proof of cheating, she said it was because I gave her a gap and she got carried away
And many other such things, I could go on and on..
I feel torn apart, but she seems fine, she apologized the day I gave her proof of her infidelty but since then she has gone silent
I am not expecting to get back with her or anything, I dont want her back in my life..just want to know whether I am a victim/survivor of narcissistic abuse?
or am I overthinking??
Anyone???