The narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you – and this is the ONLY reason. If you remember nothing else from what I tell you, you must remember that. The sociopath and narcissist will hoover for no other reason than to get another chance to hurt you. This is why it seems that the narcissist returns only to leave again – and this time quicker than the time before. He might even get up and leave after the great make-up sex, saying he’ll be right back or he’ll call you later and – POOF – he’s gone again. Make no mistake…all these “comings and goings” are intended to hurt you. It’s all by grande narcissistic design.
It’s important that we understand that the life of the narcissist’s target is nothing more than a massive playing field upon which the N can hone his evil skills. It’s a stomping ground where he can practice better ways to execute his game and plan for the attack. Knowing this, when we agonize over whether a narcissist will come back or if he will ever return after a silent treatment the answer, obviously, is maybe…but then what? Any time away from the narc is a step in the right direction so are you really ready to go back to square one after coming this far? Think about it.
Narcissists, of course, do not miraculously fix themselves while they’re away although they certainly will try to tell you differently. Returns are usually prompted by the bad behaviors of whomever they left you for (and they did leave you for someone) or the ding of the bell as your name pops back up in the queue or by any one of a myriad of warped narratives dictated by the narcissist’s relationship agenda. And because the narcissist knows you as well as you think you know him, he is confident in the fact that he’s managed down your expectations to the point that you’ll take him back without significant repercussions or consequences. This is a highly dysfunctional dynamic, my friends, and you are settling for crumbs by allowing this behavior.
I receive so many letters from women and men who have succeeded with No Contact to the point that they are actually living life in the manner that they deserve. It makes me want to rejoice, it really does. I know how hard it is to stick to No Contact because I was never very good at it. What happens, though, inevitably, is that somewhere along the line I start receiving the question of whether or not the N will return from those who have been doing well. Why does this happen and why is it so fucking hard to let this bastard (or bitch) go? What is the “hold” and why is it so strong? Is this sudden, out-of-the-blue feeling of slight panic or desperation normal? My answer is yes…yes it is.
When we start wondering if maybe…just maybe…the narcissist (our ex) will come back, hoover, or reappear after a disappearance, or start communicating after a silent treatment, we are falling back into the waiting pattern that kept us hostage for years. Seriously, think about the amount of time that you’ve spent waiting for your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife over the course of your relationship.
When I look back on my life with the ex, there’s no doubt that we spent more time apart than together and he made sure of that! I talk about this at length in my book When Love Is a Lie. In this book, I tell you in detail what happened to me over thirteen years and how I finally mentally called it off even before we split up for good. I started making small choices that changed the way I behaved in reaction to his narcissistic behaviors and the result was amazing. It’s about changing your perspective and if I did it, you can do it too.
You must understand that none of this nonsense will ever change – ever. Not for you, not for the next person, and not for the ones that come after that. Get the irrational thought that this is even a possibility right out of your head.
The narcissist will continue to hurt you until the end of time because that’s what narcissists do and they enjoy it. Your suffering is actually the narcissist’s reward for a job well done and don’t you forget it. If he couldn’t mess with your head, he literally would have nothing to do. Letting go of the narcissist is about removing yourself from the mental anguish…from the perpetual waiting game that keeps you clinging to a false love. Co-dependency is a very real thing and so is trauma bonding and all of these things probably have happened to you over the course of your experience with a narcissistic partner. There are so many reasons why we fall back after doing so well…after feeling stronger than ever for the first time in forever…and we must be gentle with ourselves and at the same time be sane in our response to it.
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You don’t have to give in to the feeling of missing this very bad person and you also don’t have to forgive a narcissist – not now or in the future. When you start asking yourself if he will return, if you feel like you’re suddenly waiting again, if you don’t understand why you’ve taken ten steps back after moving five steps forward, understand that you are in recovery much like any other addict.
Look hard at your intention with everything you do, say, and think during this time. Deep down, you don’t want the narcissist back. Not really. I know you don’t. The good sex (when he obliged) or the funny joke (when he felt like entertaining you) or the “I love you” (when he was telling you what you needed to hear to give him what he wanted) or the tenderness (that he extended to everyone when duty called)…none of that is worth more your freedom and happiness, my friends.
Remember that throughout the relationship and during every break-up or silent treatment, our suffering changed nothing. If our suffering changes nothing, then we might as well try to be fucking happy!
Stay strong and be safe in the journey!
Stephanie
February 16, 2017 at 9:51 pmGreat artical.. I am still trying to decide if my ex was a Narcissist. We was together for 2 years and the first 5 months I felt like I was on cloud 9. Then when he would drink with family or friends later that night he would throw other women up in my face, call me names, say he didn’t know why he was with me, and etc. I would cry and leave and tell him it was over. This happened several times. next day he would call me crying saying he was sorry he was drunk and don’t remember saying thing. There was even one time he had his mom call me. Then he accused my niece of doing something terrible, so he and my brother, and sister-in-law got into it. My brother would not talk to me as long as I was with him. If I went out with my friends and answered my calls he would make me feel guilty for going out with them. So I got to where I never went out anymore. The he kept saying why are you with me wouldn’t you rather have a cowboy, because I am into horses. He was always messaging other girls, and saying they was just friends. He got mad when I went through his phone to see what he was talking about with these girls. He said I was being sneaky an manipulative. The he would lock his phone. He would always say how he was thw total package and any girl would be hapoy to be with him.. For some reason I could never stay gone from him. I always took him back. Finally I did break things off, but after 2 weeks I was begging him back. He said that he had moved on. Then he would text me be sweet, then out of the blue turn cold and tell me to leave him alone. That would happen a few times. I felt like I was going crazy. I would constantly tell him how much I wanted to be with him, I would cry, and even found myself trying to do sneaky things like text him from numbers he didn’t know, acting like other people just so I could talk to him. I found myself desperate in wanting him back. He found out that is was me texting from differnt numbers and said that he wanted me to stay the blank out of his life that I was crazy and he had a new women and she was the women of his dreams. That she does everything for him, and he thinks that she is the one. They have only been dating maybe a month. So 3 questions is he a Narcissist? And will he do the same to this other girl? Lastly if things don’t work between them will he try to contact me again? I am only asking these questions because I need to prepare myself. I am having a hard time sleeping, concentrating at work, I lost interest in things that I use to love. I am slowly getting back into them. I use to be able to move on quickly but I am having a hard time doing that. I have deleted his number, all messages, returned everything he ever bought me deleted any pictures of us off my phone, and any of him or any that had anything to do with things we did together, and deleted my social media accounts. But I still find myself thinking about him, and crying over everything that has happened. Good or bad. I am trying so hard to just stay away. So if there is a chance that he may try to contact me I want to change my number as well. I just want to try and feel normal again.
Zari Ballard
February 19, 2017 at 4:18 pmHi Steph,
Please see my response to your first post. Again, re-read your own story and ask yourself what ISN’T narcissistic and even SOCIOPATHIC about this person??? Changing your number would be the BEST THING YOU COULD DO, GIRL. It truly would be a great move….
xo
Bee
February 12, 2017 at 10:56 pmI never imagined I’d be looking into this or reading about this I was in a relationship for 8 years 2 beautiful daughter’s I got from this man never married because he would tell me he didn’t want to so I would say it also so after a bumpy relationship and me always forgiving his lies and me always being the stay at home oartime worker 2 years ago we got our own place things were good we had our 1 year old a year ago everything was fine November 4th we went on a weekend with friends came back we were ok our daughter’s birthday on the 20th I’d Nov everything good thanksgiving 2016 he was fine Dec 1st HE CAME INTO THE ROOM SAID HE WAS DONE we can’t continue to live like this I was in this world of confusion what happened and I’d cry to him and ask what are you saying he told me he never loved me 8 years and he was just with me for our daughter’s he was never in love I cried for a week straight hoping it was a dream and it wasn’t it was real this man i love hates me and he looked at me with so much hate told me to pack my things were both moving out COME TO FIND OUT HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR she helped him pack and move 1 week after our split he introduced her to my daughter’s I still can’t believe humans like this exist in this world. It’s so hard for people to understand the type of pain people like that cause I will never forgive him for everything he said to me. And made me blame myself until now I read up on humans like them Thank you for the information
Zari Ballard
February 17, 2017 at 11:21 pmHi Bee,
Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful that you find the information helpful, sister. Do not blame yourself at all because, as you see, there’s nothing you could have ever done to change a thing. What this man has done to you is unforgivable without a doubt and I am so sorry that it has happened. However, you will survive this, I promise. He and his homewrecker deserve each other and YOU deserve to be free and happy.
Zari xo
lisa driveer
October 13, 2016 at 4:23 pmI am married to a narcissist/compulsive liar. Been married 27 years but have known him for almost 40 years. He was my best friend, husband and father. I helped him with his college carrier and did everything for our family from raise the kids, do the lawn, pool, clean, wash his truck etc. He just worked at the fire department and came home and played on his computer, road his KTM dirt bike , had alot of guy camping trips for off road riding and just alot of freedom. 10 years into our marriage he had an affair with my girlfriend that lasted over a month and we worked through it and I thought became stronger from it. He marriage ended in divorce.
As time went on I thought we were actually finally closer than ever then things would come up I would question that didnt seem appropriate. Face book messages from women, he was locking his phone and computer, staying in the bathroom a long time with his laptop, flirting in front of me. I would tell him I didnt feel comfortable with it and I quickly got told I was crazy, needed to take my medication, have I seen my doctor lately for being paranoid. Then gradually the insults about my body came or how I did my hair. He would go to fire department functions by himself saying it was for the guys only. Never would spend money on me but he always bought himself expensive items for his dirt bike or camera equipment he loved. He then told me since our kids were grown and married lets sell the house and have one built to our liking. We put the house up and it sold very quickly. We moved into an apartment so that we could finally have our dream home built. He was taking me up to the location weekly and I new the floor plan well as I was already getting ideas how to decorate.
So , he went to work at the fire dept. on a Friday – kissed me goodbye like he always did. When he came home he was not my husband. A stranger was in his body but his sole was gone. With no care in the world and his EYES were very cold and dark he said he was done being married and doesnt think he every loved me from the beginning.
Utter shock and numbness I thought I was in a horrible dream.
Within 48 hours he put his direct deposit into his private account so I had no access to money, took me off our cell phone plan, took me off our camping trailer, cable, and line of credit. I had no Idea I was living with the enemy in so many words.
I went from a loving husband to a man I do not know that has such hate for me.
He filed for divorce within a week and said he doesnt feel I should get money from him since he feel out of love. Why should he be punished. He told me he wants to climb a mountain and scream with his hands raised to the sky he is free , free at last. (who says that?) We never fought and from my opinion and all our family and friends who are completely dumb founded of his behavior its is just very confusing and heartbreaking. So his words to me were we just grew apart and that there is nobody else as he learned his lesson with his affair years ago. He said I was an embarrassment to him as the way I looked and dressed since he was in the fire dept. I represented him and he just needs to do him.
He moved out and got his own place. After about two months of him being gone and wanting nothing to do with me I found out he had been leading a double life. He had been having an affair with a gal 16 years younger than him that I guess didnt last. He has had many other on and off flings (un protected) He told me he had been plotting his escape from me for over two years as part of the reason to sell the house. He had no intentions of having a new home built.
I dont even know this man I have loved for so long. My entire marriage has been a lie.
Now with the divorce he is challenging everything and the court costs are huge.
He acts like he is so happy being free from marriage . I hope KARMA bites him in the ass. This should be illegal to mistreat someone in this way for 27 years. I feel so mind@##$. I an going to counseling and also in a divorce support group at the church. I gave 100% to this man and the entire time he was a scam. He has no emotion at all about this and actually told me, your still crying over this, you need to move on. I feel my husband is self destructing as he is acquiring alot of credit card debt now and is going to get out of control. I used to pray for god to bring our marriage back together but after alot of counseling on narcssist they do not get better. I am very sad and feel my husband died that last night he left for work.
Zari Ballard
October 28, 2016 at 6:00 pmHi Lisa,
OMG…that is a heart-breaking, horrible story. He is a SOCIOPATH which is a step above the narcissist in the evil department. You need to be strong and fight him for every penny. DO NOT GIVE UP ON THAT. Who cares if he is self-destructing? I hope he does! What is weird to me is how he was just able to take your name off of things? I have never heard of that. The house situation is so mean…words can not describe.
Get every penny from this evil monster…fight for it and do NOT STAND DOWN. Get what is coming to you and then move on with your life. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. It makes me want to cry, it really does. Please stay strong and vigilent!!
Zari xo
penny
September 17, 2016 at 7:16 amWow..its comforting to know there us a reason for his horrible behavior..and im not the reasin..30 years if marriage..your articles helped me so much..finally someone sees him!! For all these years try to explain to people what he would do..but he is a genus .Ted Bundy personality..very charming..ive been divorced for two years..your hovering concept so right on!! Its crazy..the stories they make up..the leaving..the lies..the complete lack of empathy.complete control over your life..and you dont even know it..thank God i broke away from it..my ex is a top exc. Very successful ..you wouldnt believe my story..but thank you for helping everyone that you do..i really needed this, PS
Zari Ballard
September 25, 2016 at 4:54 pmHi Penny,
Wow…that’s a long time to deal with this horrific nonsense and pain! You are an inspiration for survival:) I am grateful to help and my best advice is to simply stay educated and aware. Recovery is a team effort and I am – along with all the wonderful people who post in these columns – here to support you:)
Zari xo
Chandra Rowe
September 15, 2016 at 2:50 amHi
I just got out of a relationship with a narc just shy of a year. Well I don’t think got out is the right way to put it. I questionend him about dealing cannabis whilst having children and before I knew it I was caught in full rage and he vanished since. Well not even that. 2 days later he sent me a very Nice picture of him with the words “one to remember me by. Goodbye
I was devestated. How could he be this cruel? Je had unfriended or blocked me before when he was mad but never like this. I barely held my dinner inside that moment. After that he texted me during the night, acting all innocent about how he never realized he treated me the way he did and THEN he vanished. He blocked me on several sociale media, all but his phone. Oh my, how I texted him and called him!! Crying, pleading, begging,… I just didn’ t understand and I loved him ooh so much!! I suspected NPD before but just didn t want to see it bc of his beautiful soul. Now I got into reading more and more, everything is falling into place. I dread the moment I will hear from him again I really do. I know eventually it will happen it always has. But this time I’m scared dor it to happen. It’s only been a week since the rage was unleashed. That day is memorabele at the least. While I stood there crying and begging for him to see my love, he started chatting with some woman on a datingsite. Right in front of me!!! With that grin I came to hate. The more it all makes sense and the more it all hurts. Especially the part about sex. I always felt we connected on suc h a deep level and the langer we were together the better it got. I also look at the time we suddenly had chlamydia different now. It came out of nowhere. And according to him I had to have cheated on him. The fights we had!!! And after a month of blaming and accusing me, he just believed me overnight. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to check for STD’s.
I have so many stories to tell that I can’t even comprehend myself now. Anyway. I blocked and deleted his number 2 days ago and I know I shouldn’t. But in the loneliness of my mind at nights I can’t help but wonder, did he cast me for good this time or am I getting severly punished for questioning his behaviour?
Zari Ballard
September 25, 2016 at 4:50 pmHi Chandra,
You’re experience sounds very much like mine, girl. There is never a way to tell if they are gone for good but we have to continue on as if we know for sure that they’ll never be back. I know the feeling! Blocking his number is best. Deleting it doesn’t do any good because he’ll just show up as a new number. We have to make it as hard as we can for them to actually contact us because the truth is that narcissists, as a rule, are simply not that motivated. The longer the space in between narcissistic flare-ups (so to speak), the better. It’s all about changing your perspective girl.
Stay strong! Our suffering while they are gone changes not a fucking thing. So, we might as well try to be happy!
Zari xo
Kathy
September 11, 2016 at 2:38 pmI have been reading and following everything I can get my hands on. I, too, have been devastated by a Narcissist Male for over 2.5 years. 3 months ago he tossed me out, homeless and broke and I have a wonderful career, I invested money towards a venture he was doing, he’s reason for tossing me out was, “your expectations are too high”, which means I was asking him to live with integrity, honesty, loyalty and faithfulness after all we were in a committed relationship. However this committed relationship came after months and months of on again off again. Yes, I was just one of the “supply” sources for him and accepted that. The sickness I feel inside for disrespecting myself, the sickness I feel for loving him. I have a decade of sobriety and I haven’t picked up a drink, for this alcoholic all I can say is this is a miracle from God, however, I have come close to suicide. I am in therapy with a very good therapist, have signed many forms for her to contact family members because the last few visits she has wanted to put me in a hospital. I am heavily medicated. I have no concentration, anxiety so high I don’t want to leave the house. Last night was the first time I did not respond to a text he sent me, I wanted too and still today I want to get back in touch with him, yes, and this was the first text I have had from him in a month makes me wonder what is happening to his supply, I know he was out and about with other women from the day he tossed me out. Does that hurt, yes, because everything he is doing with them is what he promised me, then renigged on those promises.
Juliana
July 30, 2016 at 6:25 pmI have also been involved with a true narcissist. I have always been a strong person until this relationship. Everything pertaining to the definition of a narcissist is absolutely 100 % my ex through & through. After I was discarded was stupid enough to get involved with him again & now hurting all over again while he goes on with no pain, no remorse & a new victim. I understand why the no contact rule applies. Without it a narcissist will never stop hurting you. Because of my involvement with him, I’ve lost friends, lied to my family and have lost a part of myself. They can’t & don’t want to change for anyone.
Lisa
August 28, 2016 at 8:54 amI am going through the same thing….I forgive (stupid me) and then it happened again and again!!! I have finally blocked calla and messages…if I have to I will change my number….I am tired of hurting over and over.