The narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you – and this is the ONLY reason. If you remember nothing else from what I tell you, you must remember that. The sociopath and narcissist will hoover for no other reason than to get another chance to hurt you. This is why it seems that the narcissist returns only to leave again – and this time quicker than the time before. He might even get up and leave after the great make-up sex, saying he’ll be right back or he’ll call you later and – POOF – he’s gone again. Make no mistake…all these “comings and goings” are intended to hurt you. It’s all by grande narcissistic design.
It’s important that we understand that the life of the narcissist’s target is nothing more than a massive playing field upon which the N can hone his evil skills. It’s a stomping ground where he can practice better ways to execute his game and plan for the attack. Knowing this, when we agonize over whether a narcissist will come back or if he will ever return after a silent treatment the answer, obviously, is maybe…but then what? Any time away from the narc is a step in the right direction so are you really ready to go back to square one after coming this far? Think about it.
Narcissists, of course, do not miraculously fix themselves while they’re away although they certainly will try to tell you differently. Returns are usually prompted by the bad behaviors of whomever they left you for (and they did leave you for someone) or the ding of the bell as your name pops back up in the queue or by any one of a myriad of warped narratives dictated by the narcissist’s relationship agenda. And because the narcissist knows you as well as you think you know him, he is confident in the fact that he’s managed down your expectations to the point that you’ll take him back without significant repercussions or consequences. This is a highly dysfunctional dynamic, my friends, and you are settling for crumbs by allowing this behavior.
I receive so many letters from women and men who have succeeded with No Contact to the point that they are actually living life in the manner that they deserve. It makes me want to rejoice, it really does. I know how hard it is to stick to No Contact because I was never very good at it. What happens, though, inevitably, is that somewhere along the line I start receiving the question of whether or not the N will return from those who have been doing well. Why does this happen and why is it so fucking hard to let this bastard (or bitch) go? What is the “hold” and why is it so strong? Is this sudden, out-of-the-blue feeling of slight panic or desperation normal? My answer is yes…yes it is.
When we start wondering if maybe…just maybe…the narcissist (our ex) will come back, hoover, or reappear after a disappearance, or start communicating after a silent treatment, we are falling back into the waiting pattern that kept us hostage for years. Seriously, think about the amount of time that you’ve spent waiting for your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife over the course of your relationship.
When I look back on my life with the ex, there’s no doubt that we spent more time apart than together and he made sure of that! I talk about this at length in my book When Love Is a Lie. In this book, I tell you in detail what happened to me over thirteen years and how I finally mentally called it off even before we split up for good. I started making small choices that changed the way I behaved in reaction to his narcissistic behaviors and the result was amazing. It’s about changing your perspective and if I did it, you can do it too.
You must understand that none of this nonsense will ever change – ever. Not for you, not for the next person, and not for the ones that come after that. Get the irrational thought that this is even a possibility right out of your head.
The narcissist will continue to hurt you until the end of time because that’s what narcissists do and they enjoy it. Your suffering is actually the narcissist’s reward for a job well done and don’t you forget it. If he couldn’t mess with your head, he literally would have nothing to do. Letting go of the narcissist is about removing yourself from the mental anguish…from the perpetual waiting game that keeps you clinging to a false love. Co-dependency is a very real thing and so is trauma bonding and all of these things probably have happened to you over the course of your experience with a narcissistic partner. There are so many reasons why we fall back after doing so well…after feeling stronger than ever for the first time in forever…and we must be gentle with ourselves and at the same time be sane in our response to it.
Click Here to Download When Love Is a Lie
from Amazon Today – $3.99
You don’t have to give in to the feeling of missing this very bad person and you also don’t have to forgive a narcissist – not now or in the future. When you start asking yourself if he will return, if you feel like you’re suddenly waiting again, if you don’t understand why you’ve taken ten steps back after moving five steps forward, understand that you are in recovery much like any other addict.
Look hard at your intention with everything you do, say, and think during this time. Deep down, you don’t want the narcissist back. Not really. I know you don’t. The good sex (when he obliged) or the funny joke (when he felt like entertaining you) or the “I love you” (when he was telling you what you needed to hear to give him what he wanted) or the tenderness (that he extended to everyone when duty called)…none of that is worth more your freedom and happiness, my friends.
Remember that throughout the relationship and during every break-up or silent treatment, our suffering changed nothing. If our suffering changes nothing, then we might as well try to be fucking happy!
Stay strong and be safe in the journey!
BeachBum
February 5, 2016 at 5:32 pmIm totally going to pick up your books!!! I thought I was getting stronger from my ex husband who is similar to a narc and sociopath not sure which one he is more like. Anyways he was very abusive to me and my child. I broke Free and got into therapy, ended up allowing an old friend (or I thought) get close to me during the process and in terms I allowed a Narc into my life again. I ended up pregnant pretty quickly (same crap he did with his ex girlfriend and they have a 7 year old together) and still in the process of splitting with my ex…… The second guy talked so badly about me to his family and all the things you read about Narcs. Well not we have split and going through a custody battle my heart breaks every time I see him. I’m “faking it until I make it” so he doesn’t see how this is effecting me and how I miss the man I thought he was…..I see him so much and our child who is 2 hates going off with him and his family and has major attachment issues with me. They see nothing wrong, though clearly something is when she hates them and fights not wanting to go. I don’t talk bad about him around her and try to encourage her, though children know things better than us adults at time! It’s so hard some days and sucks! Really hope it gets easier
Amy Furster
February 4, 2016 at 11:34 amDear Zari,
Yesterday I had an epiphany after reading your articles, my (now EX) boyfriend is a narcissist! I’ll try to keep this short 😉
We’ve been together (more or less) for 2.5 years. Everything went alright for the first few months. He ignored some texts/calls and pulled the no-show for a few dates. Then broke up with me (with words). A few months later he came hoovering back. We got back together. Then broke up about 5 months later after his first ‘silent treatment’, which lasted two weeks. I was devastated. I could call, text till I was blue in the face and not get a response. I lost 12 lbs in one week because I could hardly eat. During that time I spoke to his dad who then told me he was a compulsive liar. Something which I sort of knew all along but didn’t even know people like that existed. I told myself I couldn’t be with someone like that and went out and ‘caught’ him right bright and early at 6:45 AM when he was still asleep. I woke him up and raised hell, which of course, he did NOT appreciate 😉 I broke up with him right then and there. He hoovered right back and several weeks later, at my (stupid) request, we became friends-with-benefits. We would only talk and see each other about once a week for the next 6 months. Then he moved to another town, but wanted to go full-on dating me again. So we did, though unofficially. Things would go great for about 4 months, then he’d be kinda distant for 2 months. By the end of July I was basically done. I didn’t care anymore, my attraction to him had diminished. That’s when he really put the hook in. He went on and on about how he wanted to be a better man and that he didn’t want me to leave. I said fine, I’ll stay with you as long I see you are trying and if you ever pull that dissapearing stunt again, we are instantly done. For 4 months he never missed a day calling me, but soon enough he was missing one day a week, then two, then three, till he was only calling once or twice a week. Granted he would answer if I tried calling or texting. Everything was ‘fine’ when I left his house January 4th, 2016, though I did confront him about a few things. Which no doubt led him to believe a full-out silent treatment was in order. It’s been a month today. I’ve not cried a single tear. I have only tried contacting him twice. To no avail, of course, but that was before I read your article and put compulsive liar + passive aggressive = narcissist together. So, now that I’m finally aware of the game, I’m no longer playing 🙂 I think if I just block his number that’ll be the end of any possible future hoovering, he’s far too proud to sink as low as to come knocking on my door.
Eugene Deener
February 4, 2016 at 4:56 amOK, Its been 17 months now. Volleyball season is coming up and I’m butterflies again (shes my sons HS Volleyball coach). I have gotten through the season before after the discard and I’ll do it again. I have not seen or heard from her at all except for walking past her and her flying monkey at a school football game. I said nothing and didn’t acknowledge their presence. But as we get near, I get all apprehensive. There’s got to be a better way? She says nothing and I sure as hell don’t either. Gray Rock is on stand bye incase she does speak. Wish me luck………
Zari Ballard
February 19, 2016 at 8:00 pmHi Eugene,
Thanks for the update! Hopefully you didn’t have to hit the Gray Rock…did volleyball start yet? It’s kinda strange..there was a woman who used to call in for consultations regularly and her ex (the narc) was her daughter’s volleyball coach. For her, VB season was always a nail biter. I hope you’re okay….please let me know what happened….
Zari xo
Eugene Deener
February 20, 2016 at 12:04 pmHasn’t started yet. She’s thus far worked her way into the head coach position now. What a manipulator. Yay me. I should be ok. I just can’t take the fakeness.
Lisa
February 2, 2016 at 7:24 pmHi Zari: it’s been almost 4 months of NC save for a Hoover email saying his father’s cancer has come back ( don’t remember him ever having it?) and that he has my passport and Range Rover key to return. I responded once via email asking him to drop those off at my business – his “meetings” in the area keep getting cancelled, imagine that????
Today I went to the State Department and reported it lost and applied for a new one….he will be FURIOUS when he finds out…., to quote Gloria Gaynor: ” I will survive!”
Zari Ballard
February 4, 2016 at 12:04 amHi Lisa,
Right on, girl! The best revenge is moving on and a healed heart. They simply can’t stand it!
Zari xo
Christine
January 29, 2016 at 4:29 pmThe “maybe…but then what?” is the best part of the title! Well, I don’t think anyone should automatically assume the narcissist is going to be gone forever. It’s important to be on guard and take preventative measures against their hoovering (therefore, go no contact, block them, etc.) What everyone needs to do is let go of the hope that the narcissist will come back. So the narcissist comes back, you have that momentary (delusional) hope that the narcissist really does care about you after all, the narcissist is on best behavior temporarily…then subjects you to another round of abuse. Or subjects you to a crueler discard. No one here really wants that.
When I was still recovering and started “missing” the narcissist, I asked myself…would I really be okay with him disappearing on me again? Or even if he stuck around, would I really be okay with another round of devaluation? I snapped myself back to reality by thinking about his past behavior and what was ACTUALLY likely to happen…not my fantasy of what I WISHED would happen (i.e. him suddenly having an epiphany, feeling remorse and trying to do right by me. Frankly if he had that kind of empathy and was capable of that sort of introspection, he wouldn’t be a narcissist and wouldn’t have treated me the way he did to begin with).
I hope everyone here lets go of that false hope and is able to move on, as I have. The narcissist can’t subject you to a waiting game if you’re no longer playing!
Sarah
December 10, 2015 at 2:10 pmI’m confused about a man I have seeing on and off for 2 years. He has idealized, devalued, and disagreed me twice. He roped me in in a whirlwind romance and wanted to marry me by month 3. We didn’t marry. He didn’t like my family or friends. Began telling me how to do things and said he knew what was best for me. He checked my phone, emails, and so forth. He was extremely manipulative and lied about everything. I recently found out he loves online dating and has met 1000 girls and slept with over 300. He said he knows how to get what he wants. I’m in shock. He ditched me over a year ago and I finally moved on and when he found out he came rolling back on bent knees in September with tons of promises. Everything I wanted to hear and of course I ran back. I’ve made myself crazy, started lying to keep him and I even find myself using his manipulation tactics and that’s not me! I’ve got s trauma bond and all I care about now that he’s disgarded me after 3 months is if he will come back. He said I’ve ruined his life. Caused him to be bi polar. And he said he can’t bend his values to be with me the liar. I’m devestated and he said he wasn’t texting me anymore but he keeps on. I can’t resist the response. Does he fit the criteria to be a narcissist?
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2015 at 4:53 amHi Sarah,
Does he fit the criteria to be a narcissist Really? I’m assuming you’ve read at least some of the articles at this site and others, right? What have you read that would make you doubt it for a second?
I am really unsure as to why you are confused, girl. 300 women? 300! I would bet that the number is way higher but who cares…300 is bad enough. What exactly is causing the confusion? The fact that he comes back when he’s done fucking 40 more women? The fact that he “cares” enough to check your emails, texts, etc.? The only reason a guy ever does that is to distract you from knowing that he’s up to no good and that YOU should be checking on HIM. Is it because he texts you after taking off? I imagine he does a lot of texting to a lot of women every day all day. I mean, you do know that he was cheating on you the whole time you were together, right? And that he’s with someone as you read this? And that he’s not only a narcissist but a sociopath and online predator as well? And that he probably has a sexual addiction that he satisfies in deviant ways and probably with both sexes? Again, what is causing the confusion here?
I am understanding of a lot of things when it comes to our behaviors and reactions to these monsters. I know all too well how hard it is to stay away and to accept that they never loved us at all – even after we find out they’ve cheated. But THIS is just silly. How can you be trauma bonded to a man that has slept with upwards and over 300+ women that you know of? Have you been checked for STD’s, Sarah? Guys like this don’t care about protection and they will sleep with the dregs of the earth – I don’t care what he told you. Go get yourself a clean bill of health and move yourself onwards and upwards out of the rabbit hole.
Block him from being able to call you or text you or come over. DO IT TODAY BEFORE HE TEXTS YOU AGAIN. Do not be sad or devastated. Use your head, girl! Be happy – and grateful – that you dodged a bullet.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Flora
December 10, 2015 at 1:19 pmThanks for the sharing.
No, I don’t want my N ex to come back, ever! He’s no more then a douchebag to me. His nasty threatening, lies, harassments, degrading after I broke up with him made me sick, and those ruinned part of my life. I only find him disgusting if I ever see his face again. But thanks to this incident, I’m stronger now, and know how not to give a sh*t to sociopaths.
I loved him and cared about him, but he chose to ruin everything. He chose to continue to be a narcissistic. I believed and still do believe that he knew his own problem. He’s a loser who obsessed to manipulation, lies, and controlling. He thinks every one is the world owes him something, at least owes his own failure. Like all N, he comes out charming and smart at thr very beginning, but he’s just an emotional evil. I’m glad that I broke up with him just a few months in.