I think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.
We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)
Throughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.
When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.
When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit. On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.
How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.
The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.
Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?
How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist. Recently, I discovered a possible neurological cause for this inability (or lack of mental capacity) to care about memories and even though it is not an excuse, it is certainly food for thought. The newly discovered neurological condition is call aphantasia and it is described as a person’s inability to visualize or voluntarily create in one’s mind’s eye mental images, real of imagined, of people, places or things. Literally, a person with aphantasia does not possess a “mind’s eye”. The canvas of this person’s mind is dark…a blank…and therefore, memories do not exist and, presumably, any history connected to relationships. Can this neurological “condition” be connected to narcissism? I do not know but it would certainly begin to put the puzzle pieces of the narcissistic personality together.
To a narcissist, to reject us is to reject all of the history that comes along…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it. In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.
Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)
REPOST (14) UPDATED 05/2021
Niki
October 17, 2015 at 10:15 pmHow I wish I’d found this post as soon as it was written. I met my N in July of 2014, and it has been a bumpy ride.
I noticed on the 2nd date how he switched conversations around to be about himself, even after I told him something that normal people would say “Wow, I’m sorry that happened to you.” The only time he could say that was when I was pleasuring him in bed and we were talking.
What stuck out to me about this post was that narcissists like confidence, and we usually meet them during our prime. This was me exactly!! I’ve never heard this fact before. In counseling, I kept saying that it didn’t make sense because I was in the BEST shape in every aspect of my life.
Fifteen months later, I still hold out hope that he will be back. We only had one month together before he got a paycut (that was the fault of a new CEO who started nine months earlier) on the 3 year anniversary of his job. A death in his family happened two days later. I felt so sorry for him. I wish it hadn’t happened to him like this, because we would have dated and I would have dumped him instead of waiting around and losing my hair while he deals with life and won’t speak to me. I’m an empath, and docs think the hair loss is because of my connection with him. Ironically, the hair loss stops when I stop thinking about him, and resumes when I think about him again.
This gets me: he is VERY passionate about volunteering. I’ve observed him over the past year, and it appears to be genuine. He’s more likely to get pumped up over a canned food drive than his favorite team winning the Super Bowl. His reaction with volunteerism is very quick, almost instinctual. Could you please shed some light on this? It may help me get over my feelings of, “He can’t be that bad..he volunteers.” Thanks.
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2015 at 8:42 pmHi Niki,
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for the delay in responding. As late as it is, I wanted to comment on your confusion over his passion for volunteering. Believe it or not, this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been asked this question. I speak with one woman whose narcissistic boyfriend is a first responder who literally runs every fund raiser in town and out-of-town. He’s “passionate” about it too yet treats his girlfriend like shit. So while it’s not typical, it certainly isn’t out of the ordinary. Keep in mind that everything the narcissist does is based on his ability to get away with something and his appearance to others on the outside. And volunteering is the perfect way to instantly look like a damn good guy. The more he does it, the better he looks and the more accolades he receives. In a way, the narcissist becomes addicted to the process…hence, his “passion” for it. That’s really all it is. It certainly isn’t because he has a good heart or cares about the cause. In essence, he gets away with being the asshole that he is to you because he volunteers and looks good to everyone else. Does that make sense? Everything he does is self-serving.
I hope that helped. Trust that your intuition about this guy is spot-on because it is!
Zari xo
John
September 13, 2015 at 11:39 pmI am one of the fortunate ones who was able to walk away with minimal bullshit from the N. 2 years. Never married no kids. My ex wanted ultimate control and tried to get me to go against my parents for support. That is when I realized that it was time to plan my escape. I was raised to know family has your back no matter what. Thats the big “something is really off here.” The more I read on Narcissists now the more I see my ex showed the signs. The love bombing, the no real life social life (just online.) The child like mentality, lack of empathy, using her child as a trophy and bragging rights (she used terms like “I have a good kid when he has no social life with kids his age outside school. He is 10 ) lack of cleanliness around the house, lack of boundaries. The need for me to be her everything. She would hoover with no I am sorry for….it’s my fault…..everything my fault. She is off on some new supply now. I wonder how many people know of her true nature. I hope he can get out before her hidden agenda is accomplished. My heart goes out to victims who are married to N, have kids and are divorced. 2 years of the bullshit and I couldn’t take it. The shit is no joke.
Zari Ballard
September 26, 2015 at 3:32 pmHi John,
Sorry it took me so long to get to your post. I’m in another catch-up phase here:) In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I, too, talk about the realization that this person that I loved never had my back. I went a long time – years – accepting that he was never there when I needed him (even for the smallest things) and WOULD never be there in the future. At one point, I realized that he wasn’t anywhere near the top of my list of people to call if my car broke down, if I had an emergency, etc.
You are so right – family IS supposed to have your back. This is one of the natural laws of life. It is the biggest red flag there is when it comes to narcissism. Yes, this shit is no fucking joke.
Stay strong and always remember that you deserve to be happy!
Zari xo
Jon
September 13, 2015 at 2:04 pmits a shame I’m having to replace the “he” and “him” with “she” and “her” throughout this article.
Zari Ballard
September 13, 2015 at 5:16 pmHi Jon,
Yeah, I know and I’m sorry about that, I really am. But writing articles that refer constantly to he/she, her/him sound very clumsy and had to stop doing it. HOWEVER, knowing this and because my first three books were written the same way, I wrote a book just for the guys called When Evil Is a Pretty Face . In fact, I’ll go to my email right now and send you a copy of that book in PDF as my gesture of apology for the whole gender thing. Narcissistic females are actually a whole lot worse and I don’t want you to think that I don’t “get” that because I do! I’ll send it to the email that you used to make this post. In fact, I just took a second and sent it right now.
Stay strong!
Zarixo
Zari Ballard
September 13, 2015 at 8:47 pmHi Jon,
I tried to send the book via email but it was returned as undeliverable. If you’d still like me to send it, contact me here with a better email and I’ll resend.
Zari:)
Aldama
August 28, 2015 at 5:42 amThank you soo much for this series! It is soo nice to hear “keep your chin up!!” Even if people in my life (accept my father whom I’ve been staying with to move up to Portland, who saw in full drama mode the play by play if my ex coming back for 5 months after I had a mental, physical, spiritual breakdown when in December after our brutal-for me-breakup by text after a 10 year relationship, he started texting me saying he’s still in love with mes, cutsey talk, I miss yous on Christmas, photos of his life….then dropping all contact for a few weeks….ect only for me to find out through a mutual friend “he’s moved on…” I flipped out and texted,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission!!” He came back with the brutal ,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!!!! All I meant was I was happy you were moving on because I have…yes I’m dating a friend who is “quite nice!! I wasn’t when we were texting (leaving only a two week gap) and how I had carpet bombed him with messages, all these messages excited he was still in love with me…
I had a mental breakdown and they sent me to a crisis house….I tried calling him once and he hung up but started video chatting me….for 5 months he told me “I’m not a saint-but you…!!!” and “You can only keep promises others let you keep…” “You and your cycles…” inbetween plans to come down (he said he was planning 2 trips) and that he wasn’t dating the gilt anymore “She was younger…and used him.”-typical…he said we were partners in this and he was pissed I listened to someone about him having the gf…which was true…so we promised to always come to the source….
All of these words he annihilated by the end and continually showed me how much more important this new group of friends was to him…subtley putting me down to elevate him…showing I didn’t matter after a decade long relationship…(half LD)….other crazy shite happened too….until the December texts kept bothering me…so I brought it up and he said,”You never let me speak!!!” So I gave him the floor, all yours saying maybe what I was feeling was from him….he continued to denigrate me and also say,”I was just like a beaten dog wanting your approval…” Until he dropped every promise saying he had “enlightened data on me and right near my birthday which he said he’d be down around said to me out if the blue…”Yhis was an exceptionally bad idea!! I’m done!! I’m off the marry Ben and Alesha!!” All these people I did not know..it was like hearing screw our relationship…but these people I care about and am thee for I’m marrying them!!! When at the beginning of the 5 months he told me (again comparisons of people I only continually heard stories of through him…) he said,”I always thought we’d end up getting back together like Omar and Lenea…”
Sooo much more….ugghh mental fuck. Hitting on me intensely only to tear me down after or the next day…subtley putting me down….
Ooo and when first talking he says to me as a sweet moment turned exceptionally weird,”You’re the only one who I can talk with, who can keep up with me…but I’ve finally realized I’m smarter than most people!!!”
Sooo much more. Anyways, thanks everyone for being here. I’m so mad he rubbed his life in my face, one he swore we’d share and me like an idiot put all of my dreams aside….10 years…and I feel like a suffers nothing…no saddness…confusion whe it’s rocked me so hard getting outside is a challenge…and I was the EXACT opposite when we got together and before him…..
I’m pushing for all of you!! -Hugs-!
Zari Ballard
September 4, 2015 at 9:45 pmHi Aldama,
Girl, you need to read my book When Love Is a Lie because you’ve basically described the nonsensical bullshit I went through for 13-years. My story is your story and seeing it written out with all the details shining through will empower you to lift the blame from your own shoulders. Narcissists are very good at what they do and unless a person has experienced this particular type of relationship, they will never understand. I’ve been there rocked that and so can you! I promise.
Stay strong, get the book, and write me anytime that you need to. I’m here to make it better in any way that I can:)
Zari xo
Quinton Hoy
July 24, 2015 at 7:31 pmHi , firstly I want to say THANK YOU!!!!
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 years, (if you can actually have a relationship with one since we broke up and got back together more than 15 times) and the first time I started to think that she was in fact a narcissist was in the middle of the 2nd year together…
To make it all worse the whole relationship was a N’s dream since we had a long distance relationship for 3 years within the 6 years, and it was hell, I thought I was this amazing and most forgiving most understanding boyfriend ever putting up with all her shit and taking her back after numerous HORRIFIC stunts she pulled. (Fake pregnancy – I believed it for 3months, She lied about her being raped in her past – I believed it for 4 years, I caught her cheating on me 6 times, and she broke me down to where i just cried and wanted to die countless times and she just left..)
After every single bad thing I would decide I had to leave her I would then just get over the initial hard morning no contact phase where I’ll start being okay not having contact and not needing to call or text her, Then she just explodes all over my radar that sent me craaashing down instantly back to being desperate and needy and crave her attention…
I had everything going for me when we first met near the end of our final year in highschool (We were in the same school and are the same age but never actually spoke to one another until the final year) I was one of the popular guys in the school had tons of friends within and outside of school got scholarships to study abroad and my grades were A-… Shen then focused her demonic claws on me, today when I finally realised I’m fucking up my whole life because of what she has done to me, I have no friends, have been expelled from multiple universities took 3 years longer to complete my course than normal and the obvious part, I have ZERO self respect and she made me believe that I am a girl because of me having what I realised is normal emotions..
I am a good looking guy, and she used to be good looking, the relationship caused me to seek an escape in the form of a 2 year severe daily crystal meth addiction seeking an escape from my emotions.. That I don’t blame on her 100% though because it was MY mistake to choose to use it and I paid the very heavy price for it..
Regardless to say the using of drugs gave her the opportunity to sink her fangs so deep in my heart that knowing that she is a narcissist wasn’t enough of a reason to leave for good…
And believe me in the 4 years that I knew I have read tons of articles on narcissistic partners, and I don’t know her manipulation tactics and all of her weapons were so perfect that I could read an article about a narcissistic girlfriend that explains her to the tee, I could’ve actually believed that article was written based on her specifically, but she would drive me to deny it all, and on numerous times that I called her out to be a Cold Hearted Narcissistic Whore , I would end up drowning in guilt and getting the cold shoulder and once for a very brief period I actually believed her when she told me that I am the narcissist and being one I would never admit to it and accuse her of being one…
I believed that I was a “Lame excuse of a person not even mentioning a man”, ” A needy desperate sad waste of skin and bones to society” to quote a few of her heartcrushing favourite lines to discard me for a few weeks…
So she broke me down so badly again and broke up with me letting me be convinced that it was completely my fault and that I had to change in order to dream of any kind of a future with her, her reason for dumping me and therfore the things she said that I had to change was just too ironic and sick since it is the very things she robbed me from, I lost all my friends because she hated them all but now it bothers her so much that she simply can’t be with someone who has got no one else…
Its been three months now since the breakup and unfortunately for me the emotional roller coaster from hell didn’t stop, in fact it got ten times worse and she still made me jump when she said jump and she still had sex with me, she even gave me a whole week where I felt like I was being respected by her and that I grew a backbone, until tonight where she just initiated her once again 180° turnaround, being a totally different person attempting to burn me down once and being disassociated emotionally in comparison to the previous 4 nights in which we spent every night together and having sex 3 times on the first night and once every night after including tonight, where the 180 occured directly after sex…
BUT this is where the LIGHT OF HOPE started shining through all of this, I in fact did grow a backbone to my own surprise come to think about it, and I challenged the creature called it out by name as a Narcissist and told her this is where the hook she has on me is broken since I finally realised that I stared into the eyes of a cold hearted emotionless demon…
I set a trap, where I managed to gain access to her Facebook account (not my proudest of moments but I don’t regret it since it is what set me free) then noticed she has a tinder account so I downloaded tinder and logged into her account through FB and saw 10 matches and she had long conversations over a three week period with 5 of those matches, so… That was all I needed to set a trap to see her for who and what she is, Lying next to her in bed this morning before we had to go to our jobs, we were joking and playing and then her alarm went off and as she turned it off I acted as if I had noticed that she has tinder, she then said yeah I just wanted to see what it is and went on it once and never again… Knowing she is talking shit it wasn’t enough for me to be like LIAR.. So then she tried to initiate sex with me but I rejected her for the first time in years and suddenly she was the flirtiest best ex girlfriend acting like your IDEAL DREAM wife would as we got up and ready to seperate… She had plans for the whole day and weekend so we wouldn’t have seen each other until monday… But my response to her being dream wife like, was me being worlds worst tool… She became needy and obsessive and actually cancelled her plans with her friends to see me tonight…
I prepared myself mentally and planned to give the Narcissist a taste of its own medicine… Plan was to be a tool fuck her knowing that it is the very last time and call her out… I fucked her that she asked me to stop she simply can’t carry on anymore (my Secret was 2 performance enhancing pills i bought at the sex shop on my way to her) she even finished me off out of gratitude I suppose but it is unlike her to do favours once she is satisfied…
I started to doubt everything for a second and then as we were still naked in bed I asked her to show me this tinder thing since I was curious about it the whole day today, she suddenly became more aggressive and was firm in not wanting to show me, after a short argument she opened it quickly and lied to me that you don’t keep your connections and can’t talk to anyone not knowing that I knew everything going on in her account, so I replied asking her what that chat bubble thing is then and she then locked her phone and said okay I had one match and we never spoke… And she promised that was the truth… I then knowingly of a big fall out about to happen asked her to show me… She started to refuse and got super defensive and started using all of the tools blameshifting everything big fight but I stood up to her since I mean she doesn’t knoe I know all the facts and I was accusing her repeatedly to the point where she told me to fuck off this whole week was a big fucking mistake…
I pickud up my clothes and told her that ill gladly leave since I have no more time for her lies and performances trying to sell the lies…
Slowly but surely she said she had 2 connections but only said hi to both, I said bullshit to that and then she said fine there were more connections but I only said hi to two… I then said to her fuck you and went to the bathroom to change… When I got out she stood the phone in hand tinder open and she deleted connections etc so that all of the evidence was gone, and she then told me are you happy now right before she tried to verbally assault me and chasing me out of her house… She started shouting at me and I felt nothing and thats when I told her “Babe, I love you with all of my heart, but I am done I am taking control of my life and I decided that I want to feel what it is like to be truly loved by someone as much as i love them, and with you I now finally know that is a fantasy since you are a narcissist and I am nothing more to you than emotional fuel for your own ego” and I left..
She was on top of her game since she got me to turn my car around and go back but as I turned around her tone became nasty instantly, Thankfully I turned back around and was in desperate need of information about my situation…
My google search had I typo in and auto correct changed it but I had already tapped enter and I saw the link of this site, and Thank God I decided to open it and THANK YOU FOR CREATING IT!! I have read all of your articles and my feelings has completely gone from hurt and still wanting to apologise to realising for the first time in 4 years and after reading hundreds and hundreds of articles about narcissists , yours finally made me realise that I shouldn’t be In denial and that because well she is different and she does love me all of that thoughts that I had, and believed came into perspective and I can say for the first time that I have hope, not hope that we could get back together work things out and have a happy life… But I have hope that I WILL have a happy life because I now WANT to get rid of her….
And this is what I will Write down and stick on my ceiling above my bed, on my bathroom mirror, save as a wallpaper on my phone because this is the thing you said that has made the biggest impact on me and I know that this will definitely change my life and that this that I was in for 6years isn’t a life sentence and that there is so much more to life… It inspires me and it motivates me to cut her out of my life completely in all ways for good, and it will be my motivation once she comes at me with all of her best weapons and lures to reel me back in…
“Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)”
I am so grateful to you and I know that Thankd to you I can be grateful for great happiness for the rest of my life!!
I will repost in the near future with updates on whether I was successful or not in breaking free from my narcissistic ex girlfriend..
Kind Regards From Quinton Hoy Aged 23 From South Africa
Mary
July 22, 2015 at 2:34 pmCan you please,please help me!!!
I dont know what to do! I was with my ex narc/sociopath for 7 1/2 years. We have 2 kids together. He seperated from him last year in july bc he hit me, choked me, and tried to kill me. He’s a drug addict and with a really bad criminal record. With in 1 month of dumping him he already lived with his New Girl 1 hr away from here. And througout that time he kissed ass to me and that he missed his family. Its been a whole year that we seperated and i still feel the pain & hurt like if it was yesterday!! I feel like i cnt move kn from him. He recently moved back to my city and i see him very often in public places alone. He talks to me and he just seems so calm and chill ( not violent and a jackass) he says his not with this girl anymore, but i know he is. Now im thinking that he’s changed into a better man. That maybe there is still hope for us! I miss him soo much. He has ALOT of money on him, and i get soo pist off knowing that he’s spending it all of the other girl!! While he barely gived some for his kids. I just cant accept the fact that he moved on sooo quick! 1 month after i ended it with him.. I love him soo much!!! I guess its just lonelyness i feel. He made me feel soo important and wanted. I feel like he IS the only interesting part of my whole life. I feel like my life is soo boring and he was all the fun. Im just nothing without him!! My kids love him.. I just wished he was different & that all of this never happened. I was 14 when i got with him now im 22. I feel like im NEVER going to be happy with anyone! I have alot of bad days!! The memories of when he did have a good life come back and i see myself in the “new girl’s” perspective (ex: i know she loves that new car he bought or she is feeling soo freaken special with all the money,gifts,attention from him right now) Recently he has humliated me saying that i look poor and the car that i drive is a joke to him, thag if i need money. That he can give me one of his bmw’s if i want it. I hate that right now he has soo mich money!! And when i was with him he didnt have shit! He was in the freaken metro bus! And didnt have moneh to eat.Now he has 4-5 cars each worth around $20,000 he has brand clothes,expensive shoes,gold on him,going out to places, has the newest and best things with him.he has money right now. He slags!!! And i dont have shit not even a car!!!!!! Why is his life soo unfair!! He doesnt deserve to be happy with that other girl, he doesnt deserve all that money he’s getting right now!! I saw their facebook 2 times!! And i still picture those pictures she has in my head again and again!! He looks soo happy and in love with him!! But she doesnt know whats coming her way!! I envy her!!!!!! Bc she’s getting that sweet,loving,freaken awsome man i always wanted to have!!! Maybe he is treating her good now. I think he won’t hit her like he hit me numerous times! I think he won’t cheat on her like he did to me so many times. Or talk shit to her, or make her feel unattractive like he did to me. Always talking shit about how i looked and how i dressed. That he can have any girl he wants. i was tired of all the fake facebook profiles he had!! I was tired all of the fucken porn he had in his phone(S) i was tired of all that wierd sex we’ll have, but i did everything he wanted me to do bc i didnt want him look for it with another girl! But he still did!!!!’ I was tired of him cheating on me with HIS family members and some of mine!!!!!! Always fucken lied about everything!!!! He manipulates everyone sooo good!!! Now im just fucken sad bc he’s out here having fun and spending money on this he cant afford!!!!’ And showing them off in my face!!!! I feel soo crazy right now and confused. He doesnt have my number nor none of my family members, but its like i want him to contact me, its like i want him to look for me! Its like i want to see him in the streets bc i love him but at te same time i dont bc i stay thoughtful of him the whole day. When i see him bc he gives me child support or i randomly see him in public places i think about what we talked,and how he looked like, what he was wearing, if he had hickeys, if he still has the tattoos with my name on him.. I observe EVERYTHING and it just replys in my mind the whole day. How he speaked to me (with or without emothion) how he said certain things. Like if im still trying to find out if he still loves me or if he now loves this other girl.. Its hard to accept that he loves her now and if giving everything to her. Everytime i see him he asks me if i have a boyfriend now, i just stay quiet and tell him to mind his own fucken busniess and he just laughs and asks my sons if they see mommy with somebody. I just want to know whats going on in his life now. Hows the relationship with him and the other girl!! Is he treating her like shit? Is he cheating in her left and right? Is he happy? How is his sex life now? Is she better than me? Does he regret doing the things he did to me? Im soo jealous of her bc i worked sooo hard for him and handled lots of bullshit from him and got NOTHING in return!! Now this girl comes in out of nowhere and just GETS everything i worked for??? And they are barely going to be 1 year!! I haven’t seen her in person nor know her at all! But knowing him i know he’s talked shit about me to her and her family! Soo i know she freaken hates me! Bc i know how he is and he loves to tragulate people. And to make me look like the psycho bitch! One time i asked him if he talks shit about me to her and he said ” honestly the only thing i tell her is that i regret everything” BULLSHIT ! And the last time i saw her facebook she had this quote saying that “she’s finally living the life she always wanted to live” HAH! we’ll see if thats the life you want later on hun!! I need help i have to much anger towards him and its messing my life up! I cant study, cant eat, i could sleep but i always dream anout him/them. I just cant let go!! And i want to soo badly!! I want to be happy and in peace with myself and my family! My family is still healing from him too. Can i reach out to you in a phone conversation????? Or in some sort of communication??? Bc j really need validation!! Im always truing to hear it from ppl,friends, and family that he is NEVER going to change. I need validation for everything related to him!!!! I need validation if he’s going to cheat on her and treat her like shit, how he did with me. I need validation if im going to get better and life happy without him, i need validation that maybe later on i am going to fall in loce again and find a better man A REAL MAN!!!! I need help please!!!!!!
Yolanda
November 10, 2015 at 6:38 pmMary,
Calm down. He’s doing good with her because she doesn’t stress or check him. He probably learned better not to get caught. Either way the problem want you it’s him and trust he’s still doing her wrong too. She just doesn’t know or care. The money… It’s hers and he’s just being a Don Juan to get what he needs from her. Maybe he is working, but I’ll bet she hooked him up some how. Either way, never do what you don’t want to do and maintain your respect… No matter how much you hurt from the other perso. Being mad because you do t want to do what THEY WANT
Junette
June 29, 2015 at 8:46 amI am married to a Narcissist and it is hell and a living night mare everyday! I love him, but I am so torn. I know I can’t continue on living like this. I just want to find hope and be happy with my life again. Please help. I’m so relieved to find your website, thank you.
Zari Ballard
July 14, 2015 at 3:34 pmHi Junette,
I apologize for the delay in getting back to you and I’m sorry that you are feeling badly. You can find hope and happiness in life and you are NOT doomed to stay in this life with a narcissistic partner. I did it for 13-years and living proof that you can come out the other side and be happy! Please, if your can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will empower you and enlighten you and you will look at the relationship very differently. Also, there are many, many articles all over this website that address all aspects of this type of relationship. The narcissist wants you to feel hopeless so that he can always keep you in the queue. What you have to do is begin – right now – to break the mental connection that keeps you addicted to the nonsense and my books will help you do this.
Stay strong and always remember that you have a right to be happy!!! I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo