The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.
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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.
The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.
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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.
My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.
Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.
I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.
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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.
YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.
Monique Mathieu
May 9, 2017 at 4:56 amI had a five year relationship with a Narcissist
I dumped him 2 years and half ago after a second bout of silent treatments
I have had 10 months counselling but i still not ok in my mind
I know or guess he has now found another victim
I still miss him and went through hell alone
I am sixty four now , he was 48 at the time and was everything I wanted in a man funny sexy off beat and irresistible
I thought I had met my soul mate and
He swore he wanted to stay with me for the rest of his life. I am an Empath!!
I feel now old invisible and cannot conceive another yet again abusive relationship
My family has no idea what i went through so i feel isolated so desperate sometimes seeing how much damage he caused in my life
He tried to take everything he could from me the loving …money…my bank account…my savings….my time…my sleep…he was a vampire
I have liberated myself from his clutches but will never be the same
Is there any hope??
kaliha brooks
July 8, 2017 at 9:30 pmSari I believe I am a victim of narcissistic abuse but how do I know for sure if my husband is truly a narcissist? He seems to meet all of the symptoms but I truly don’t believe he would ever cheat on me. I tried catching him to see I even snuck a tracker on his phone and found no evidence of cheating. Now we are separated because he’s playing victim and I want to keep him satisfied so he doesn’t look anywhere else while we go through this time apart that he’s forcing us to have. How can I be for sure that I’m not just wasting my time and he really isn’t trying to save our marriage? If he is a narc how do you turn the tables?
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2017 at 1:37 amHi Kaliha,
Well, there are two ways you can find out….either buy my book Narcissism In a Nutshell which tells you exactly how to figure it out OR you can book a consult with me and I’ll give you my honest opinion one way or another. I’m not sure why you still want to play the game and “keep him satisfied”. A narcissist ALWAYS cheats, girl. We always think that they won’t or that they didn’t but, believe me, in the end we discover that they all do.
If he was REALLY trying to save your marriage, he wouldn’t be playing the victim of anything and he certainly wouldn’t have left. I’d be suspicious of that right off the bat. Makes no sense. And if he is a narc, then there’s no need to turn the tables. All you need to do is walk away. Stay strong…life is too short for this kind of BS.
Zari xo
Miss m
August 9, 2017 at 8:34 amYes i read this and the replys from been destroyed by these narc i ad four awful year of same and an eating disorderd from his evil treatment i kept him he wanted my house to his treatment destoyed me were i was going off the edge bin on my own 2 years now cant go near anyone to scared we nearly loses our lives though these people he blamed me for everything i treat him like a king i got strenght from some were to get rid but we dont no wot hits us he askd me to get married3 times glad i never people think hes perfect and im the bad one
Zari Ballard
August 23, 2017 at 11:51 pmHi Miss m,
You know what, girl…who gives a rat’s ass what other people think? Like I always say, in these situations (loving a monster), we HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT IN THE TRUTH THAT WE KNOW which, in your case, is that YOU are NOT the problem. Say nothing in defense of his smear campaign and you will automatically be put in a better light than him. Believe me, people don’t think he is as great as you think they do…they just don’t show it or engage about that because they are not connected to him as personally. And yes, thank GOD you didn’t marry him! Talk about dodging a high-powered bullet:) Stay strong and be free…
Zari xo
Melissa
September 16, 2017 at 10:16 pmI am in the midst my very first silent treatment now. I’m 50 and he is 47. We’ve lived together for 2 1/2 years. I am so lost…..
Kellie Louise
January 28, 2017 at 6:55 pmHi,
Still haven’t received my PDF bundle,it’s been nearly 24hrs
Zari Ballard
January 28, 2017 at 7:23 pmSo sorry, Kellie! I just sent all three of my books via my gmail account. I’m running behind today, that’s all:)….Zari:)
Joanna
March 3, 2017 at 11:03 pmEverything zari says is spot on. I will cosign I was definitely supply for sex. It was amazing until I found out I was not the only one. They have sex supply in there back pocket per diem. When you catch them if your lucky it will be randomn texts you might see he cheated all these other girls think they are girlfriends too so they will pop out the woodwork some recorded my narc sleeping in there bed to prove it to me or even video tape the sexual intercourse for me to see with my own eyes boy what a painful thing to have to experience but somehow they will be able to get into your mind and brain f*** you until the point you will do anything for just a crumb and a couple lousy minutes in bed with them just because you want to believe you are the only one and keep them from leaving. I have gone to the extent of hiring and or asking my friends if they would sleep with my narcissist just because I thought if I allowed him to do it in front of my face he would not go out and cheat on me that was just opening the gates to hell as that made him so much worse increased his ego and ultimately shattered my self-esteem and confidence. I can testify my narcissist said my nipples were too small and my breasts were too saggy at this time I was financially doing good and spent 16 Grand on a boob job thinking he would not cheat on me if I looked like a blonde Barbie doll he also said he cheated on me at times because I could not give a good b******* like other supplies I would go and meet the supplies and I would be astounded some were 400 lbs, others 90 pounds some looked underage others were 40. When asking him crying why he cheated he follows his dad’s age old saying Hit anything moving. Don’t be a me and go bankrupt on your looks only to end up Barbie on suicide watch. I broke no contact today after leaving his sorry ass 7 months ago not only did he tell me he was in love, I missed the boat, we were soul mates but I left him so he is with a Cambodian girl now and he is too old for the cheating as she is too nice. Wtf was I not nice I put out on demand, catered to three somes watching him have a ball but guess how the convo ended. Joanna can you keep a secret? Sure, what is it. Come over now and I will take care of you sexually. This only proves when I was top supply he was still out getting it and now because I had some dignity and left I can come back as the other woman now and take his crumbs. If he loved her why would he fuck me. Narcs rarely visit doctors they are above stds they think if there supply got tested they are good. They are walking stds please run, hide, ignore don’t be a pretty Barbie on suicide watch. If only I can practice what I preach. Continue reading these blogs, never give up this game will be played until there dying day. Your body is your temple.
Wet Blister
April 7, 2017 at 9:19 amWhat’s with the “HE” stuff? Most cheating narcissists I’ve come across are women. I just got out of a long term relationship with one. In my social circle, the majority of narcissists are women. The selfies, the desperation for attention, the cheating, etc. Yup…mostly ladies.
Zari Ballard
April 7, 2017 at 8:14 pmHi Wet Blister,
First of all, narcissists don’t, as a rule, hang out in groups or social circles with other narcissists. The visual is funny but it just doesn’t happen. When we discover a narcissist, it’s usually one at a time – which is plenty! Something about this person catches our eye…something makes them stand out from the rest in the crowd. This is how they con us from the get-go. Otherwise, they’d just be an average Joe or Jolene! Second, while all narcissists are cheaters (male or female), not all cheaters are narcissists. Some people are simply players at certain stages of their lives…it happens and it’s changeable. This – as well as the compulsion to take selfies – does not a narcissist make:)
As for the “he”, the content of this blog is based on my books and the experience of my relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend. I explain this specifically in this article and also in my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is all about the female narc.
I agree completely that female narcs are ruthless but ALL narcs cheat. If there’s a “narcissistic” guy in your group who doesn’t cheat…well, he’s simply not a narcissist by it’s true definition. But all that aside, I can’t imagine any social circle that would be filled to the brim with cheating narcissists, male OR female. Again, they don’t hang out together…LOL. Now, your social circle may very well have people in it who have narcissistic qualities – but we all do – but having narcissistic qualities and being a narcissist is not the same thing. Either way, if you’re seeking a different kind of partner, you’d probably want to change your social circle…it would be one place to start…
Zari:)
Molly
January 25, 2017 at 3:23 amAmazing to read this. I am the other woman in this deal, but I still oddly feel cheated on because of these behaviors (I’m in therapy already so I hope for people’s kindness here). I knew I was the other woman and participating in something awful but he made me feel like I was the only one and I became addicted to him. Still am. I’ve passed on possibly genuine relationships for him. And in trying to confront him in his lying, I too have begged for forgiveness for “victimizing” him.
Zari Ballard
January 28, 2017 at 7:29 pmHi Molly,
Isn’t it amazing how we beg for forgiveness for things we didn’t even do just to keep the peace or make it alright? This was what I found so demoralizing during my relationship with the narc of my books. One part of me felt compelled to call him out on the questionable behaviors and stories (and sometimes hardcore evidence) because I knew it would eat away at me if I didn’t and the other part of me would apologize after I was punished for doing so. It truly sucks and it’s such a manipulative tactic on his part to spin it around. It’s all about deflecting from the truth and training us to be quiet and let things go. Yikes!
Zari xo
ng27
March 1, 2017 at 3:24 pmMolly, I was the other woman for six years believing he was being treated so unfairly by his wife and only staying to be with his children. Once his wife threw his sorry ass out last January he discarded me. I’m assuming he was thrown out bc he was caught with someone else. Im ashamed now of my behavior, but literally for years I believed he was being made to suffer a miserable existence except for the joy we had together. Am I stupid? Desperate? I knew I was once lonely and with him I was not.
I wasted five previous years. And I would love to see his wife and tell her how sorry I am. I now see every thing he told me about her had to have been a lie.
joe
January 23, 2017 at 5:05 amThanks this is exactly what i have been looking for . She will never change as I thought . hopefully this will help me move on.
Stop this train, I want to get off
December 30, 2016 at 10:22 pmI so appreciate this site – just starting to realize my man is a narcissist – thank god, because it so messes with your sanity!
I wanted to add something that happened yesterday with my N. He called his friend who is also a N and put him on speaker phone- his N friend didnt know I could hear. His N friend then started talking about women. He has a girlfriend of 3 months and he claims it is the best sex of his life. She wouldn’t have sex for the first month, until he would be exclusive- so he agreed to be her boyfriend. And he is really happy with her. as I said, best sex ever. However, he never stopped sleeping with others, including prostitutes. My N asked him why he is cheating if its the best sex ever – he said, because he wants to. period. point blank. He tells her he loves her. While on the phone, he sent pictures of her nude to my N (who saved them to his phone in front of me), he said that he secretly video tapes them having sex and takes pictures of her nude without her knowledge. The men call it, “booing up for winter.” They get with a woman for the winter, tell her what ever she wants to hear for consistent sex, while never slowing down the hunt for other pussy (as they said). Listening to him so matter of factly talk about this girl was a huge eye opener. It was obvious, she wasn’t a person to either of them – just an object to be used and discarded. You don’t concern yourself with the feelings of an object- and it isnt really cheating when its a object either.
After the conversation, my N was all excited that I saw this seedy nature that he claims all men are like. He told me how cheating was normal and no big deal. Then just today, i found out he cheated 4 days ago. His response: “If i EVER wouldve known that you didnt 1. know all men want to fuck 2. Other women dont want from me as much as YOU do 3. That men cheat. I do not use these arguments to remotely excuse my betrayal, yet its like DAMN, be for real, these revelations make it difficult to be fair and honest.”
I honestly dont even understand his message, Did I mention – he asked me to elope 4 days ago and he was at my home to pick me up to go get married when I found out he was still seeing the woman he cheated with since July?
He texted me he was sorry. Then the text above – which somehow makes me feel like its my fault and Im stupid. He also sent me this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZkDIQLKogs
Zari Ballard
January 3, 2017 at 5:48 amHello Stop This Train,
What do you not understand about his message sister? Sounds clear enough to me.
I have to tell you that narcissists don’t usually talk in groups that way, girl. In fact, narcissists, as a rule, don’t hang around with other narcissists period. They are far more covert and rarely – if ever – would allow a girlfriend to be in on a conversation like that. For narcissists, it’s all about The Lie and the sneaking around and denying it and getting away with it . Although there is a fine line between a guy who is just a douchebag asshole player and a guy who is a full-blown narcissist, there is a line. You’re guy, without a doubt, is definitely a douchebag asshole player who happens to hang around in a group of douchebag asshole players who enable each other. Wow! A full-on narcissist is usually on his own, entertaining just himself with his own behaviors and doing everything behind his girl’s back while denying it to the world. While there is certainly NOTHING redeemable about either, at least the narcissist PRETENDS TO HAVE DECENT QUALITIES and this is why we become hooked. Your guy doesn’t even pretend to be civilized…he doesn’t even pretend to have a moral compass. He is telling you exactly what he is going to do throughout your relationship and he’s also telling you he doesn’t care. Moreover, if you are listening to him and his bud talk shit about women and girlfriends, what kind of conversations do you think they are having about YOU??? The same or worse. I would have to guess that eventually he may become a polished narcissist who does it all on the sly but why wait for that??? RUN!!! And whatever you do, don’t look back. This, if it’s possible, will only get worse. Yikes!
xox
mspinky
December 25, 2016 at 10:57 amI’ve been through something similar to this. I definitely can feel your hurt and pain.
This guy I was with for six years. Basically had bad motives for me though whole relationship I did everything he was needy and a cheater constantly.
He got on his feet moved in his own spot after fives years of living with me. I had no clue until we got into a heated argument.
Then he still stringed me alone till he found the girl of his dreams. One day he finally said this was all a game and that he is letting me go smh. He broke me down I was hurt I’ll never allow this type of behavior again.He is stjll with her and loving her smh it’s weird .
Lisa
December 23, 2016 at 7:31 amThis is my life written by someone I dont know, yet its the exact same story of my life these past 7 years. Mind blowing to say the least.