Narcissistic partners suck – we know that. No matter what we do or say, they can’t love us and we can’t fix them. Inevitably, the good-by is bittersweet. From one silent treatment to the next, amidst all the hoovering and narcissistic discards, we hope and grieve and hope and grieve until our hearts have no choice but to give up and give in to acceptance as a means of salvation.
At some point, we have to choose life over the narcissist’s manipulation. It’s something no one can even begin to understand unless they’ve lived the experience.
Confirm. Validate, Relate. Escape.
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Once the victim of a narcissist boyfriend, I’ve now had both the privilege and opportunity to write books, blog on this website, and counsel others out of their pain. These tasks and all the wonderful, caring people who visit here have helped me move forward and, thus, my pain has faded into something far less threatening. But while this is truly a good thing, maybe it’s also true that I, too, need to be reminded every so often of just how awful Wayne really was and just how bad he made me feel. Maybe I’ve needed to rewind the movie back a few years so that I could watch, thankfully with detachment, how Wayne’s cold narcissistic indifference turned this strong, independent girl into a pile of mush. Well, today, in a dusty envelope under a big stack of papers, I found my reminder.
The following poem was written by me in 2003 just a few years into the 13-year relationship and in the midst of a devastating silent treatment. Reading the words brought back a flood of emotions and tears because, without a doubt, it could have been written by any one of us who come to this website.
So, I’m sharing it with all of you….
A Bittersweet Good-By (by Zari Ballard)
Bittersweet, I hate that word
It makes me sad, its so absurd
For when its time to sink or swim
I always drown from missing him
Good-bys are bittersweet, he’d said
And left me lonely in my bed
He wasn’t where he’d meant to be
I’d beckoned him to come to me
And as the sun began to rise
He fled so there would be no lies
And vanished…right before my eyes
Then Silence, that I fear, begins
I try to call, an endless ring
I want to talk but always cry
My anger is in fact a lie
Outside his door, I can’t come in
I fall apart…the Silence wins
His good-by is Bittersweet, I know
It follows me, however slow
And creeps upon the love I feel
Biting gently at my heels
Fearing grief, I try to run
Knowing soon the end will come
I hate good-bys, I hate the end
I hate to let the sadness in
It makes me just a little girl
Who clings too tightly to her pearls
If I let go, my heart won’t beat
From missing him, I’ll never sleep
But here it comes, however slow
His Bittersweet good-by….I know
When I wrote this poem, I was inconsolable and so utterly heartbroken. I missed him so much, I could barely breath. In utter desperation, I typed these words on a pretty piece of paper and left it on his doorstep hoping it would make a difference and end the silence. Instead, he returned it to me….because I meant nothing. Today, so many years later, it became exactly the reminder I needed.
Let your hearts not be troubled, sisters and brothers, for there are reminders everywhere that are reason enough for you to end the suffering. Your happiness is and always has been patiently waiting…..
Love,
Zari xxoo
mandy
April 10, 2016 at 7:50 amOh baby girl. So strong now….I needed this and am typing his with tears it is me drowning I was but now I feel I drowned and eshaUsted from the battle….I need to talk to you You’re a survivor and me I’m pleading on eat ears. To my family to friends nobody understands. Completlywhat is wrong j want to live but yes fear the ending thrown away worse than. Trash I am feeling that. Inside soul they reached it awhile ago thumping he’ll I have getting worse and worse love you xoxo thank you for posting. You might have a part in saying my life.
Zari Ballard
April 14, 2016 at 1:37 amHi Mandy,
It’s okay, sister…I can feel the pain and bewilderment in your words. I hope we can speak too sometime. When you can, book a consultation so that we can work it out together. Talking with someone who “gets it” can be an amazing experience all around. Suddenly you feel invigorated and ready to fight for your sanity. It’s so isolating when we’re in the thick of it…but you never have to drown. I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo
Rosa
March 12, 2016 at 11:15 amThank you for sharing
I thought I was going crazy .. I’m moving out , the monster I have been living with finally broke me after 2years .. The emotional Torcher is off the crazy charters .. I’m on pins and needles every day afraid to be myself in fear of attack cridisiom , never takes responsibility for anything only Blames .. He loves me unconditionally when he wants he calls all the shots when it comes to our relationship … He’s had 3 passed relationships all of his x where crazy … According to him ..He’s a artist he did a painting text of his x girlfriend words ….. The painting reads all the names he was called by his x … I was shocked …..the painting reads mother fucker , liar Cheeter , bipolar , narsisitic Asshole , fuc tard , … What was I thinking ????? Who does this … The abuse gets worse … I need help … I support myself , he never pays for anything , I renovated his house , he pushes me away when he wants to fight , has kicked me out 6 times , over the stupidest things . My family friends are afraid for me . I’m loosing my self worth , my dignity , he has no empathy , no emotions no feelings ..he attacks my hearts saying hurtful things , turns everything around on me ..I’m mentally exhausted he said I need him more than he needs me … He’ll say things to hurt me on purpose .. My tears are nothing to him , he laughs , he conspires to do things that will push my buttons .. Waiting for me to react … Please help … How do I deal with the next 3 weeks before I move out ?
Marsha
March 1, 2016 at 12:28 amAfter all the suffering, all the craziness, all the insane heart wrenching bullshit, that was completely unnecessary. Miles of road I should have seen, days and days of making me hate my life, I mean HATE my life. You took my home, my car, my self respect, my faith and hope. You wasted my precious life for TEN years. And what do I have to show for it? You taught me to be good to myself. You taught me how strong I was, how I can depend on me. You taught me that the Calvary ain’t coming, I am the Calvary.
You taught me (finally) how to love myself. Ha! So in the end instead of destroying me, here I stand, stronger and unfazed. God works in mysterious ways. Amen
Zari Ballard
March 1, 2016 at 6:12 pmMarsha wrote…You taught me how strong I was, how I can depend on me. You taught me that the Calvary ain’t coming, I am the Calvary.
That’s it, girl. YOU are the fucking Calvary! Amen to that! May you find happiness now and forever into the future, sister….
Zari xo
lisa
November 4, 2015 at 3:35 amI to am very heartbroken over him I don’t no what to do my world is up side down all I do is cry. Every day I wake up crying at what ever time I only sleep maybe 3 or 4 each night I hate my life right now I hate waking up this way every single day .. this pain is like no other I have ever felt the sadness is so unreal no one around can understand I don’t no how to even explain it so I just here all a lone .. he has made me isolated from every one and now I need someone and no one is there so I carry all this pain inside and so very heat broken so confused I just can’t seem to let go I love him so very I just don’t no how to let go .. he has already found someone new been living a lie for the last yrs just found out about it 5 months ago after all the lies and heartbroken I still love him and what him back .. I no I’m crazy but it’s really how I feel .. so if you can help please help me cuz I don’t no what to do
Nicole
November 28, 2015 at 5:55 amPlease email me!!! I’m in pain too maybe we can motivate each other!!! Latoshasmith1987@gmail.com I’m Nicole
Sam
September 4, 2015 at 11:54 amEverything you wrote is me….I’m in tears because my hurt is not done….my humiliation is not over….the silence is causing me such pain not even blows to my head with a bat could compare to. I feel so pissed because after so many disappearing acts I thought the last one was the last one, he would never do this to me again. I cant forgive myself because in the end he was being him, I knew him, exactly for what he is and this feeling of being a pathetic idiot, visions of him laughing at me does not go away. I’ve been strong, I have not contacted him in these 2 months silence, but not a day goes by that don’t concoct a story, a scenario or an excuse to call, text write. At some point exhaustion takes over, I take something to sleep and the next day it starts all over again. I feel a spiral in my head that I cant stop the building anger. The deepening hurt that has not only caused an ulcer but has crippled me to where I sometimes cant move for hours. Why cant I just let it go? I know know…my head knows it but my heart is not ready…F my heart. I’m so tired of hurting, so tired of feeling less than nothing.
tina crocker
June 22, 2015 at 9:03 amI love this site. It has been a huge help in my recovery from a 4 yr relationship with a N boyfriend. Following is a poem I wrote during a long silent treatment; one year before ended the relationship.
EMOTIONAL DEVASTATION
My pain is my own. I must learn to live with it. It has become my companion…my closest friend. It wells up within me. Takes hostage my soul.
Like a warrior…I fought to prevent its consumption…dining on the sweetest treasures of my heart. I am a mere shadow of the beauty that once was.
It lays vast the waste of its destruction. Leaving a dark motionless emptiness in its path.
I am weak and weary from battle. My hope is no more. I surrender my longings to its beckoning.
I am love…I am laughter…I am pain…I am joy…I am love lost
Zari Ballard
July 3, 2015 at 9:40 pmHi Tina,
Beautiful poem and everyone here certainly feels your pain as their own. Stay strong and thank you for sharing:)
Zari xo
Twice Bitten
February 8, 2015 at 6:38 pmBeautiful poem, sometimes it helps to get the painful emotions on paper and out of our hearts. I’m embarrassed to say that I have been through 2 N relationships, one was a ‘charismatic sociopath’ which should have taught me all the red flags to look for when the 2nd one (a ‘puer aeternus’) came along. But unfortunately, I was blinded by the “lie love” that is always too good to be true, but I fell for it again. I had a father who ignored and emotionally abused me, so I always feel irrationally that my job is to heal these men, and then I can win back the love my Dad withheld from me. Nope! After 2 times bitten, I hope I have learned that I can’t. What pay off did I get from that? More emotional abuse. Guess that makes me feel somehow ‘safe’ because it’s all I’ve known. I never heard before today the “Hoover Maneuver” but omgosh… this guy just sent me an ’empty bubble’ text this morning after 2 weeks of no contact. I deleted it and feel great. He may hope I never get over him, but I’m here to tell you I WILL, I AM, AND I’M LAUGHING AS I RUN AWAY, skipping through the flowery meadow of freedom!! But I have cried a river of tears over him, and for no reason. We ‘caretakers’ and ’empaths’ need to protect ourselves! One more thing… pray for help, ask for help, and don’t feel guilty or ashamed. God, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call that Higher Power, can truly “cut” the cord of trauma bonding (just learned that term today) and give you a sign that it’s done. Once you have the proper name for it, (and stop seeing it as unconditional love) you will begin to see the relationship from outside of yourself, as if you are observing what happened to you. The only pain you’ll feel is the empathy you have for a friend, instead of the knot in your own stomach. That’s what happened to me anyway. I’m so thankful. I will make every effort to make sure there is no 3rd N in my life!!
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2015 at 12:02 amTwiceBitten wrote… I never heard before today the “Hoover Maneuver” but omgosh… this guy just sent me an ‘empty bubble’ text this morning after 2 weeks of no contact. I deleted it and feel great. He may hope I never get over him, but I’m here to tell you I WILL, I AM, AND I’M LAUGHING AS I RUN AWAY, skipping through the flowery meadow of freedom!! Right on, girl!
Hi Twice Bitten,
Your post made me very emotion…thank you so much for sharing. May you continue on the perfect path and may you find all of the happiness you deserve in this life! You are never alone in the fight…:)
Much Love,
Zari xo