Narcissistic partners suck – we know that. No matter what we do or say, they can’t love us and we can’t fix them. Inevitably, the good-by is bittersweet. From one silent treatment to the next, amidst all the hoovering and narcissistic discards, we hope and grieve and hope and grieve until our hearts have no choice but to give up and give in to acceptance as a means of salvation.
At some point, we have to choose life over the narcissist’s manipulation. It’s something no one can even begin to understand unless they’ve lived the experience.
Confirm. Validate, Relate. Escape.
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Once the victim of a narcissist boyfriend, I’ve now had both the privilege and opportunity to write books, blog on this website, and counsel others out of their pain. These tasks and all the wonderful, caring people who visit here have helped me move forward and, thus, my pain has faded into something far less threatening. But while this is truly a good thing, maybe it’s also true that I, too, need to be reminded every so often of just how awful Wayne really was and just how bad he made me feel. Maybe I’ve needed to rewind the movie back a few years so that I could watch, thankfully with detachment, how Wayne’s cold narcissistic indifference turned this strong, independent girl into a pile of mush. Well, today, in a dusty envelope under a big stack of papers, I found my reminder.
The following poem was written by me in 2003 just a few years into the 13-year relationship and in the midst of a devastating silent treatment. Reading the words brought back a flood of emotions and tears because, without a doubt, it could have been written by any one of us who come to this website.
So, I’m sharing it with all of you….
A Bittersweet Good-By (by Zari Ballard)
Bittersweet, I hate that word
It makes me sad, its so absurd
For when its time to sink or swim
I always drown from missing him
Good-bys are bittersweet, he’d said
And left me lonely in my bed
He wasn’t where he’d meant to be
I’d beckoned him to come to me
And as the sun began to rise
He fled so there would be no lies
And vanished…right before my eyes
Then Silence, that I fear, begins
I try to call, an endless ring
I want to talk but always cry
My anger is in fact a lie
Outside his door, I can’t come in
I fall apart…the Silence wins
His good-by is Bittersweet, I know
It follows me, however slow
And creeps upon the love I feel
Biting gently at my heels
Fearing grief, I try to run
Knowing soon the end will come
I hate good-bys, I hate the end
I hate to let the sadness in
It makes me just a little girl
Who clings too tightly to her pearls
If I let go, my heart won’t beat
From missing him, I’ll never sleep
But here it comes, however slow
His Bittersweet good-by….I know
When I wrote this poem, I was inconsolable and so utterly heartbroken. I missed him so much, I could barely breath. In utter desperation, I typed these words on a pretty piece of paper and left it on his doorstep hoping it would make a difference and end the silence. Instead, he returned it to me….because I meant nothing. Today, so many years later, it became exactly the reminder I needed.
Let your hearts not be troubled, sisters and brothers, for there are reminders everywhere that are reason enough for you to end the suffering. Your happiness is and always has been patiently waiting…..
Love,
Zari xxoo
Rainna Davis
June 16, 2016 at 9:18 pmSari I just finished your book and I am finding it hard to breathe. I left a 30 year marriage to a “N” and my first real relationship since has turned out to be a “N”! Really??? I picked up your book and I felt as if I wrote it. How could you know exactly how my “N” is acting…saying. I felt sick and then fell apart….then came my ah-ha moment. He won’t change because he can’t. Knowing I am day 1 into yet another silent treatment, I know now that my only choice is no contact. Omg it breaks my heart. How the hell could this have happened twice? Especially only a year after leaving my marriage for the same reasons. Thank you for your words…I now know I am not alone with my broken heart.
Zari Ballard
June 27, 2016 at 6:52 amHi Rainna,
I love your name, girl:) Look, in this, you are never ever alone, do you understand this? There are so many of these predators out there that I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re never going to know them off the bat. All we can hope for is that we get away quicker each time. It is NOT your fault. It was NEVER your fault. What happened was that it was probably too soon to get back in the dating thing. I’ve waited almost four years and now that I’m ready, I’m not sure if I really care! LOL Rest and relax and enjoy your life. If I were you, I’d try to put this one behind you and keep moving forward. Don’t let it set you back. The fact that you got out AFTER THIRTY YEARS of being with a narc – is the important event and you are an inspiration to every one here. This latest thing was just a glitch.
It’s nothing but a thing, girl! Stay strong and be happy. You are perfect just the way you are. And you are FREE:)
Zari xo
Nic
May 6, 2016 at 3:59 pmI am glad I have come across your site. “How Wayne’s cold narcissistic indifference turned this strong, independent girl into a pile of mush.” YES!!!! Exactly. I was this person when the N started pursuing me. I recognized that he had something wrong, but eventually he got into my heart, and that’s when it began, the downward spiral. It’s been almost 2 years, and I’m now 3000 miles away from this person still recovering. The trauma that this person caused uprooted a life I enjoyed. Everything was left behind to get away. Even though I’m back with family, I can’t talk with them about it anymore when these emotions resurface. A person who has not been a subject to such abuse can’t fathom how hard it is to just let go. Its this cycle of falling back into this place of where I don’t feel good enough because he made me believe that. I was happy, independent, living on my own sailboat, working on my dream when I met this person. Thought I found my sailor since he was docked 4 slips away. I left everything behind, my job, the boat, my stuff. Left it in the storage rental never to return to the harbor where this crime occurred. I’m still trying to get my life back together. I want to go back west and this time I will be prepared to pursue protection order if he approaches me.
Zari Ballard
May 6, 2016 at 9:21 pmHi Nic,
It made me sad to read about your life on the sailboat and how you gave it all up. I hate narcissists. My hope for you is that you get back there to get your stuff and that you sail away happy into the vast blue ocean. Nothing but the best for you, girl…
Zari xo
Nic
May 8, 2016 at 1:57 amThank you Zari.
It gets better everyday, little by little. Sometimes I sit back and say to myself, “WTF?”. The memories of that time are still so vivid. I grew up in a quaint village on one of the Great Lakes. Water is an element I have an affinity for and I love boats. When the opportunity to buy a sailboat while living on the west coast, I was stoked!!! It’s been one of my dreams. I love the marine life out there, sea lions, otters, jellies. One summer the whales were so close you could see them from the beach. I so miss that lifestyle. The harbor where my boat was docked was a small fishing village, so I thought it would be similar to where I grew up.
At first I kept to myself. I didn’t know anyone there, and I was the only young single female living on her own boat amongst a bunch men. The N was the one who approached me, and he was nice. I had to walk by his boat everyday, and the funny thing was our boats were very similar, he had a Columbia and mine was a Coronado. Both made in the early 70s before the oil embargo, so they were made with thicker fiberglass hulls, and designed by the same naval architect. Of course I was happy to have made a new friend. I wasn’t interested in him at first, and met his girlfriend; however, she lived 3 hours south. I know he was jealous of my friendship with kid who was docked across from his boat. Us three all became friends, but I more interested in hanging with the kid because he was retrofitting his boat with renewable energy sources, and that was my plan. Also this kid had raced in the waters where I grew up! What are the odds!!! Awesome!!! We were like 3 peas in pod, until it seemed the harbor started putting some pressure on the kid and it was a sad day when he left. There’s just so much to this story. It’s gets complicated and messy. The N grew up in this small village, so everyone knows him, and this village also has an interesting history. I could probably write a novel.
If I could have just remained friends with the N; had never got emotionally involved with him, I probably would still have my job and my boat. When I finally gave in, I told him you have to make a decision, me or your girlfriend because I can’t continue to be intimate with you. It’s just not right and not fair to her. So he tells me breaks up with her. He never did. Every 2 weeks he would disappear. I figured it out when he said he went lobster diving. You have to go south, and she lived in the area where you go lobster fishing. I may not have grown up on the California coast, but I was researching the coast line because once I got my boat up to sailing spec I was going to take her south.
So for awhile we did this dance of me saying stay away from me, I’m not interested, you use and abuse. To eventually giving in, but he lived 4 slips away. Kind of hard to avoid each other. I had been an independent woman for awhile. I even like traveling to other countries solo. I relocated myself to California, knowing no one. It’s funny because in this moment I’m writing in somewhat of positive tone. There were so many cool things mixed into this, and when I’m feeling strong, I miss those aspects of the life I once lived, and not him. I haven’t mentioned the truly messed up stuff.
One of the troubling comments the N said to me out of the blue was, “I watched this documentary of these 3 friends sailing off to some islands together. It was 2 guys and one woman. The woman gets killed over jealousy”. And remember thinking, “WTF?”. I think this was in context to me telling both the N and the kid my plans about wanting to sail to the Galapagos. The kid had mentioned to me that I should ask the N for help with my engine because he gets jealous. I wasn’t even intimate with N at that time. The N would stop by my boat, almost everyday. I kept a captain’s log of all my visitors.
There’s so much I could write about it. The last couple of days I’ve been distracted with the memories relating to this guy. And the closer I get to finishing and submitting my admissions project, the more anxious I get because he works in the city where the school is, San Francisco. He knows I will eventually be back there. He knows I will be looking for another sailboat. He had called me back in Dec 2015. When he called me I was shocked, and was happy to hear from him. Forgot all about the trouble he caused, the pain, the emotional and physical abuse, the stalking, the hole in my boat, etc. We talked a few times until one day I freaked out because he started calling to talk about how he was cheating on his girlfriend again (the one he never broke up with), the new girl found out he has girlfriend. It brought me full circle. I said I couldn’t talk to him anymore. Told him he has personality disorder, and told him how I see the true him; how he is manipulative; displays textbook traits of a narcissist. Said I’m working on getting my life back together and I’m not available for him. He doesn’t know what school I’m applying to. I’m afraid he will come looking for me. I don’t want to have to be looking to see if he’s in some parking lot watching me come and go. However this time I will have some support. A guy I used to play co-ed frisbee with, saw my FB post about when I return to Cali I may have to get an order of protection. He contacted me saying his wife works in one of the county departments that deals with domestic violence. He gave me her contact info if I need any help. It was such kind gesture. So thanks letting me share this. It helps.
Emma
May 3, 2016 at 1:33 pmZari
Lovely poem.shame it was wasted on a dickhead who could not appreciate its beauty!. It is horrible to have something returned. I remember my mother in law returned a gift I bought her after I left her son. It was the worst thing one could do to a person. I cried many tears as my point of view was that she was the grandmother of my children.. And the silly woman forgot that!!!! Hugs and kisses for what you suffered. That man will rot in hell!,
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2016 at 1:38 amThanks for the support Emma…I appreciate you:)
Zari xoxo
joanne
April 24, 2016 at 9:50 amHi Zari,
im crying as i read your poem….bittersweet is right! Thank you for your incredible insight & ability to tell it like it is…..ive had a hard weekend ….thought about my ex narc & the dream he sold me….made me sad & im trying really hard to remember who he really is….a pig who lied, cheated, used me & tossed me out with the trash….im so much better off without him
Zari Ballard
April 24, 2016 at 11:17 pmHi Joanne,
Yes, you are sooooooo much better off without him, girlfriend. Brush off that relationship amnesia and continue on. Remember that our suffering changes nothing and it never did. Therefore, we might as well be as happy as we can every day.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Felicia
April 22, 2016 at 10:37 pmZari,
This article hits so close to home for me. The never ending silent treatments, the lies and the deception early on was so foreign to me. I literally could not make sense of any of it. I was so blindsided and heartbroken by it because one day he loved me then next he wouldn’t speak to me. It worked like this for almost 5 years until my expectations became almost nothing. The hoping and grieving is exactly what I did until I had no choice but to accept the demise. The end. And not wanting it but knowing it was best for me in the long run. Always knowing it was near but then the silence would end and it would all start over again. I agonized so much over his indifference to me just for wanting his attention!!. I had no idea that was too much to ask for so I couldn’t understand what happened to trigger the silences. I did nothing at all to trigger it. And what immature behavior anyway. Childish!! Just ripped my heart out and all because he lived a totally separate life I couldn’t know about yet he still wanted me at a moments notice like nothing ever happened! Numerous times I told him to let me go if he couldn’t give me his full attention. He didn’t want to hear it. I was his woman he said. No respect whatsoever. I was just an opportunity and in his mind a possession. Scary as hell!
Kim
April 16, 2016 at 8:41 amI came across a poem I wrote when I was in a discard phase when we were dating (just realized that ‘discard phase’ was what it was, and just recently found it while trying to look for old journals to see WHAT the hell happened over the last 18 years of my life, 15 married to this soul sucking leach:
A heart heavy with confusion
A burden as she waits
To watch the turning of time
Turn to the hands of fate.
Waiting expectantly for the next and final blow
Waiting for his heart to open
Waiting for his heart to know.
A solemn girl is what replaced
That beautiful, fragile, smiling face.
Desperate attempts to make him see
That smiling face may never again be,
Close to hold and tenderly kiss
Away from his grasp and achingly missed.
To vanish and leave behind
All that love and he once had in mind.
An ugly illusion of tears and confusion
And he just lets it slide
To cowardly to give of himself
So selfish to run and hide.
Never to love her like his own,
And claim her as his prize
Too selfish to see the hurt and pain
embedded within her eyes.
Risking all she believes in her heart, her soul, and mind
Making her love him for an indefinite period of time.
How she cries at night wishing he could see
All that she has to give him, how much better he could be.
So now this solemn girl, hurt and all alone
Hopes one way, maybe someday, he’ll make her all his own.
And if he should make the saddest mistake
And throw her away…
He may not see immediately the mistake
That he has made
But one day will come and she will be gone
And he’ll be the one alone.
Zari Ballard
April 18, 2016 at 5:13 pmHi Kim,
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful but oh-so-sad words. All one has to do is read your poem and my poem and ANY poem written by a narcissist abuse victim and it’s easy to see why we’re all sisters and brothers in this…why we’re all connected together when we’re involved with these creatures. Recovery is a team effort and I appreciate you. Thank you again for sharing:)
Zari xo
linda pickett
April 10, 2016 at 11:16 amWow !! As I read this with tears in my eyes. This has been my life for a 16 years..After being gone for 2 years almost He recently returned with a phone call from a restricted number in 30 more minutes was knocking at my door.. And all those feelings your talking about It’s where I’m at!! All mixed up !! How can someone do this to someone else and not care????
Zari Ballard
April 13, 2016 at 4:56 pmWow…two years! This is so typical…the restricted number and all and then 30 minutes to the front door. Please update:) If for some reason you can’t replay, try again in a bit. I am working on my comment section with a posting problem.
Zari xo