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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.
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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.
For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.
For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.
No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.
It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
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bill
November 6, 2016 at 11:27 pmI wish you would write gender neutral because this disorder is replete in both sexes.
Zari Ballard
November 7, 2016 at 2:56 pmHi Bill,
As I explain in my article To Male Victims of Female Narcissists, I understand full well the plight of the male victim and, in fact, speak to men every day who call me to talk about it. That being said, I do write from my own experience with a narcissistic boyfriend so, even though I try to gear many articles to BOTH sexes, I am, for the most part, telling my story. And, aside from that, to constantly use the terms he/she, his/her, etc. takes away from the flow of the article and doesn’t read well.
I did write a book for the guys called When Evil is a Pretty Face and it’s available from Amazon for just $3.99. I do care about how you feel and I really do try to present information to everyone. As it stands, there simply is no way to way to write gender “neutral” about this when you are telling a story and you’re a girl – but I will continue to try:)
Zari:)
Kelly Rogers
November 10, 2016 at 1:17 pmIt certainly is!
Heather
November 4, 2016 at 9:19 amI could write a book about the amount of times, over the course of 3 yrs, the man I was very much in love with, gave me the silence treatment or broke up with me only to come back when it suited him to hoover! I fell for it over and over. He knew just what to say or do in order to have me fall right back in. But it always ended up with me being lost, feeling crazy, frustrated, and apologizing for his belittling, manipulative behavior. He still, after 6 months of no contact will send emails or a tx saying he can’t stop thinking of me and really wants to see me. I’ve gone thru more hell then I knew was possible in a relationship with someone you thought loved you! I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to get out, and was I doomed to spend the rest of my life with this emotional vampire!?. I will never fully comprehend how someone can so stealthily break you down into a scared shell of the person you were before you met them? However, once I started researching the sociopath and narcissist disorders and opening up to friends about this, and allowing myself to admit I needed outside support and help to get thru this, I was finally able to put a stop to my contact with him. Now his attempts to “keep my mind on him”, make me laugh and “almost” feel bad for the pathetic desperation just to try for an ounce of control! These people are incapable of feeling things like other people do, and once you truly understand that and the fact that it’s always a selfish agenda for them, never in your favor, it becomes easier to finally let go! There’s no point in searching for answers, or trying to reason with them and explaining how you feel. To someone with true emotions it’s extremely frustrating, but it will sap you of energy, and the effort is never worth it! I pray for those still stuck in the relationship, or in the discard/hoover phase! Love and happiness after is very much possible!
Jo
October 24, 2016 at 4:45 amSo I met this man 12 months ago tomorrow he his saying was no point in wasting time if we have time to see each other even if it’s 5 minutes why not put in the effort. With in about 3 months he basically moved in when I asked questions about his past would turn into a fight. Before I go any further I would like to say I was Diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago and have come Leo and bounds with medication I manage my moods and things are very different in full view for me I am not a extreme case but am very passionate and protective of my family a clean freak . Anyway I worked out who his ex was and our first argument lasted 4 days he was very reserved about a lot if things second argument lasted 9 days which I would think about things for a long time but it was like seeing my old self in him. Next argument became physical and lasted 2 weeks. Next argument I saw him very angry aggressive were he became physical again and turned up at my house screaming at me about things to do with my sister that was none of his business that argument lasted 4 weeks. Now going back one step on the first occasion he go aggressive I asked him to leave my house so every argument after he would sit and yell in my face so u want me to leave u don’t love me any more and this would last for hours when eventually I would say ur right go then just f in bloody go and then this would happen every time but it was all me doing it. In saying this I was in love because he was romantic and loving but something didn’t add up. I met him on pof and on our second date he was texting other ppl which he honestly admitted giving advice to these women he said. On the second last argument he smashed his phone as I had looked threw his phone because he lied about shit and it wasn’t massive drama which I didn’t see if u are hiding nothing but the story of his ex who he has kids with is something let me tell u . He said he never knew what love was till he met me and he had no life . Anyway his ex has 5 kids to 4 blokes and we’ll says everything really. Getting on with it I took him away after the last argument and had an amazing time when we returned I made a silly comment were he lost his shit and left cause after 8 house if him screaming in my face and how others always Me I said I’m going to get my kids if u want to go go. So much to fill in inbetween he became very scary and more violent every argument. This last one 2 months no contact then for 2 weeks like every time I love u I miss u OK I love u to then he be like butter carnt be together or go over everything we did that turned to shit over and over never taking the blame the even if I said sorry I should have said or done that. We talked about getting a bigger house for all the kid as I have 2 and he has care of 3 and me getting a fluffy white dog. Before he made contact this last time after 2 months I saw him walking in a Street were he had no business being with his kids walking a dog I saw read I smiled and waved dying inside he could be so disrespectful a week later it started the texting I love u we carnt be together I miss u I love u more I will never love again bla bla bla. I had a girls night out were I did send him a photo of me and the girls to piss him of I was hurt I loved this horrible person and I was hurt he told me to go be happy just go be happy this head games were wearing me down he showed up were I was and I lost it first time in 3 years I lost my shit. I couldn’t understand how after all this he said up stand there like I owed him like everything was OK. Anyway next day he left so this is it thanks for letting me see u one last time I miss u I love u more I miss ur smell ur cuddles oh but we will never be happy. I Have become a mess over last 3 months but I. Carnt handle it he has made me be nasty violent and I am no better then he is. Stupid thing is I think I still love him . I say I can’t playgirl games any more he says go be happy I say OK he says I love u more.
Zari Ballard
October 29, 2016 at 11:25 pmHi Jo,
Obviously, no matter what he is, he does not serve any positive purpose in your life. He will play this game until the end of time if you allow it. Narcissists have no problem wasting your life away – and the life of your kids and his kids. It’s a vicious cycle of abuse about which he will never hold any accountability – ever. Block him – stick with no contact. If he comes to the door don’t answer it. Set yourself free before another 12 months goes by.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Judy
October 23, 2016 at 10:28 amHi Zari,
I think my particular jerk qualifies as a sociopath as well as a narcissist. His game is to find someone who is financially vulnerable and then drop hints that he likes to “help” people. The guy is well off.
I knew on the very first date that he was a no-go for me. Not my type at all, but I was (I emphasize “was”) friends with his ex-wife, who was with him for over 40 years, and still is for all practical purposes. Because of that friendship, I didn’t trust my instincts; I couldn’t imagine her staying with him if he was as bombastic as he came across to me. Silly me!
My question is two-fold. Unfortunately, I work for this guy so until I find another job, I cannot institute the no-contact strategy. I can do most of my work from home, though. My plan, if I have to see him in person, is to remain detached no matter what he says to me. As you know, he can and will say whatever it takes to keep me as part of his supply. In fact, he has already attempted to reel me back in by using “I will help you” statements. It was as if he had put a morphine drip in me. But I noticed my reaction (thank you, meditation practice!!). Do you have any other suggestions for this type of situation?
Also, this man will soon be 71, and he is not aging gracefully. He is fat, and he drinks too much. How does this impact his ability to replenish his supply? One can only hope he will be frustrated in his hunting.
Thank you for an illuminating site, Zari. My experience hasn’t been nearly as devastating as yours was, but I do have that really creepy feeling of having wallowed in slime that will be difficult to let go.
Judy
Zari Ballard
October 23, 2016 at 10:12 pmHi Judy,
Oh slime is slime…doesn’t matter how long we wallow in it or with whom…the pain is the same. You have it down, girl. Detachment and indifference is key to your work survival although I do hope you someday soon become free of that. I would also limit, as best that you can, the LENGTH of time you have to speak when you do. There isn’t really anything that can’t be said or explained in ten minutes, right? Start the stopwatch on the approach. Basically, if this is the way that you have to play it, you will have to train HIM to do it your way. Accept no favors, financially or otherwise. If you can, don’t even allow the conversation to go that far.
As for the age, I would say, sure, a narc who doesn’t age gracefully will naturally struggle with replenishment – that is, UNLESS HE HAS THE CASH. Sad but true. Hopefully he continues to get fatter and fatter and drunker and drunker to lesson his chances even WITH money. LOL
You’re on the right path…keep your eye on the prize and just don’t give in. He isn’t worth a second of your time!!!
Zari xo
Max
October 17, 2016 at 5:18 amI Love You Zari. You dont know how much your experiences mean to me. I know it sounds weird but you simply cant share these dynamics with anyone!!! You simply cant explain the intensity and the crazyness plus you really can´t explain to anyone that these people actually are REALLY THAT fucked up to do there actions on purpose. And they want to isolate their victims. It is simply unbelievable but they would stop their behaviour when the public could spot them. One thing i learned is : THEY KNOW what they are doing. But they simply dont give a shit I am a man. My Girlfriend claimed to be bi-polar. Fell in love with here. It took me 6 month to get her in a relationship. She always played her games with me. pulled me close to push me away a second later. Planned a big Wedding to tell me 5 min. later we should breakup contact. Meanwhile i gave up everything for her…but she just used my feelings against me.
When i threatend her to breakup contact, then she finally got into a relationship. I let her live with me, paid everything. i lived her whole life….Zari, i simply cant explain this….i still cant get into my head, that all of this REALLY happened. You know what it feels like to hear things like : “had a dream last night. dreamt our whole contact: Every single situation , word, message, all of it. and came to the result that you are a manipulative Person (hillarious) and we have to breakup contact immediately, right after we had a great weekend, out of the blue…The Essence of that WAS THE FIRST Six month , EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I heard the greatest BULLSHIT EVER!!!! Sentences that insult the intelligence of an casual Grown up. But i thought she was Bi Polar so i thought it was an expression of the disease. Before we even got together, i felt soo empty, so mentally exhausted, I should have been happy, finally at the end, finally in a relationship, but after half of a year, i felt like a mentally zombie, because all energy was soaked away, and there was always that feeling, that something was wrong, without touching it…..After 2 years of a terroristic relationship. Never had free time, even when she was with friends and on her way home and waited for the bus, she always had to call!!!!!!!!!, using pressure like, she was scared alone and stuff. She never left my apartment because she said she was too scared, living at her grandmas. When she dumped me after we lived like family, after i gave my whole life for her…she left me over night, cheated with a girl , lied , mixed up the stories and was simply unable to say anything clearly. ALL THAT BULLSHIT!!!!! ALL THAT HALF SENTENCES ALL THAT BLA BLA: SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS YOU FUCKIN NOTHING!!! Youre a ridicolous waste of life. then she gave me the silent treatment. started to grow hopes with really destroying them. When she told me that she had sex with other persons, she smiled…..she really stood up to even check her dress, like a princess before she responded to the question if she cheated again: “yes, no, this is not the answer and than smiled and nodded…….thats when i first got the idea of narcissm and i cant tell you what it feels like, to read the whole ….thing just in the internet… I NEVER KNEW THE RULES !!!!! YOU KNOW HOW SIMPLE IT IS IF YOU DO????? IT IS SO EMBERASSING!!!!!!! Getting tricked by a kid. To our all Protection: You really cant imagine that someone really can be like that. Being a Parasite.Thats rapes your soul and tells you after that, that you raped his soul….
Zari Ballard
October 17, 2016 at 1:23 pmMax wrote…When she told me that she had sex with other persons, she smiled…..she really stood up to even check her dress, like a princess before she responded to the question if she cheated again: “yes, no, this is not the answer and than smiled and nodded……. So typical and so awful!!!! I get it!!!
Hi Max,
I love you too, my friend:) As far as I’m concerned, recovery is a team effort and we all have to stick together. No one “gets it” unless they’ve lived it. As you describe…the dynamic of the relationship is so BIZARRE, so PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE sometimes, that we can’t possible share our feelings with someone who has no clue about how these people work. There’s nothing normally dysfunctional about it! We can’t wrap our head around the fact that what we IMAGINE they’re doing and thinking is really TRUE so we hang out hoping that we’re wrong. We WANT to be wrong! We’d give anything to be wrong, right??! haha!
Stay strong and I’m here top support you…have no worries about that. You are in great company!
Zari xoxo
Kris
October 2, 2016 at 8:05 pmI met a horrific narc on pof 12/15. My first clue that he was abnormal was 3 weeks later, on Christmas. He called me and I mentioned I was having difficulty finding a restaurant that was open. Although I was just minutes from his area, he didn’t invite me over, even for a drink. Later that night, he called to say he cooked a 18 lb turkey for himself and two roommates!
In several months of dating, he never once let me inside his home, even when I had to drive him home once! Although he does own it (I checked). We had to use motels! No, he is not married (I checked). I believe he doesn’t bring unimportant dates like me to his precious home since he’s a player and to avoid being hunted down by wronged women.
He asked to be “exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend” early on, yet when I physically confirmed he lied to me about cheating with a friend (she admitted it), he claimed he didn’t realize we were a couple! (Then why lie?). He had a million excuses and all the right words, but no actions (such as inviting me to his house when we fought about it). When I had to put my sweet cat to sleep after 20 years, having mentioned her several times, his text said, “Sorry about your DOG dying”!
He gave me nothing for any holiday, ignored New Year’s Eve (saying he had to work on a friend’s car), Valentine’s day (after I told him it’s my favorite holiday), and forgot my birthday by calling a day late and doing nothing for it anyway. Although he is a mechanic, and he noticed I had an ongoing car problem, he never offered to fix it. After I paid another mechanic to fix the simple issue, he said “You could have paid me the $300 and I would have done it”! This after all the times I paid for nice restaurants or hotels! He isn’t poor, has a good job and owns a $2,000,000 house (I verified it). Good riddance to these uncaring, cold excuses for humans. They will use you, your money, your emotion, and never be there for YOU. Never!
Zari Ballard
October 12, 2016 at 12:41 amHi Kris,
That’s a horrible story and I hope you are staying way far away from such a predatory creep. What a complete loser and it doesn’t even matter WHAT he is or isn’t – he needn’t be YOUR “boyfriend” in any way.
STAY AWAY FROM POF…IT IS THE WORST PLACE EVER FOR A HOOK-UP. IT’S FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH THE BIGGEST CREEPS ON THE PLANET! I hear this time and time again.
Stay free and happy, my sister!
Zari:)
Megan
September 22, 2016 at 9:24 pmI’ve been “on and off” with my N for a year now, and it’s been nothing but pure mental hell. I can’t even tell you the amount of times he has broken up with me, of course giving me the silent treatment following, only to come back to me begging forgiveness and promising he’ll change”, that he truly wants to have a family with me and my 3 yr old daughter. It’s all a lie! Lies, lies, and more lies. He will even lie about the dumbest, most minor things. Absolutely anything and everything he can get away with. What’s worse is I work with him. He has destroyed me amongst our coworkers, who once used to be some of my closest friends. I can’t tell you how many people warned me about him, told me to leave. Eventually they get tired of seeing you in mental anguish and hearing about all the the bullshit he’s put you through that they stop being your friend. They can’t take it anymore, and either can you. But you can’t stop going Back! it only gets worse. Today I cracked and I’m so upset with myself honestly. I lasted 1 whole week without texting him. Just 1. I was driving to work and I couldn’t help but have this sick feeling in my gut that he was going to text me right before I went into work. Sure enough, he did, same thing as always “I really feel we need to talk…blah blah blah”. The whole time I’m at work he’s blowing up my phone with texts. I get off work and ask him what he would like to talk about, only for him to say he doesn’t want to talk anymore as it will probably escalate into fighting and to “have a good night”. All night he pleaded for me to give him a chance and when I finally try talking to him, nope. I can almost picture the smirk on his face as I write about it. Mental mind games. I vowed to myself after tonight that I will not tolerate this behavior anymore. Oh if I could only tell you the terrible things he has done to me, the amount of times he’s kicked me out of his house bc I didn’t say the “right thing”. Yet, I’m the one that is foolish enough to keep coming back.Its all part of my codependency and probably due to my childhood. Anyways, I’m trying to heal. I truly want to be free of him. Enough is enough. He is blocked from my phone and will remained blocked. I’m grateful to have sites like this that iI can lean on for support.
Heather
November 4, 2016 at 9:41 amI truly hope you’ve been able to stay away! I went thru something very similar and spent 2 yrs in the “relationship” then another yr in back and forth hell, always walking on eggshells, being kicked out for asking a question, or not saying the right thing during a discussion! It breaks my heart so much that anyone goes thru this with someone who claims to love you! You’ll never meet a better liar or manipulator! Im still not fully healed but getting better everyday. Im so sorry you had to go thru that, and it’s so hard because most people don’t understand the pure torture and self doubt they can impead on your soul with snake like stealth! They don’t see the internal scars, and what they are like behind closed doors, to make you look crazy! Stay strong!!