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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.
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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.
For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.
For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.
No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.
It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
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Allison
November 28, 2016 at 1:39 amHi Zari,
My N and I broke up a year ago. I had to make him think the breakup was his idea in order to leave safely as he’d become rage filled when I attempted to leave him. I was satisfied with him believing he’d discarded me and have been living in peaceful bliss ever since. Unfortunately, he called me recently and before looking at the screen I answered, I honestly thought I’d never hear from him again. He offered a weak apology for how things ended and asked me how things were going for me. I did not engage. He’s called and texted me a few times since then (I have ignored every call and text) and has been pressing me to call him when I get a free moment. I will not be calling him because we have nothing to discuss. I am content with where things are and have no desire for closure. Plus, that his calls and texts keep coming in the late evening or early morning hours means that he’s doing this behind his new supply’s back. For all I know they’ve hit a rough patch and he’ll use a call from me (like one wherein I ask him to stop calling me) to manipulate her into thinking I want him. I have seen how he works and will not be aiding him. I have no feelings left for him because despite the fact that we were together for 6 years, I realized in my recovery that I didn’t love him from a healthy place, I was a trauma bonding codependent. I grieved the loss of a fantasy and how he treated me at the end was all the closure I needed.
Does just continuing to ignore his calls and texts seem like the way to go or should I be direct and ask him to stop contacting me?
Zari Ballard
December 6, 2016 at 6:06 pmHi Allison,
In order to stop him from contacting you, all you have to do is BLOCK him. Block him on all your phones, social media, etc. You don’t have to say anything at all. Just do it. Until you do that, he will always have one hand in your life.
Zari:)
Kristine
November 26, 2016 at 5:04 pmI of course don’t want to believe that I have been dating a narcissist for 5 years now but I think I have been. While there have been many tender thoughtful moments on his part, there are just as many hurtful and even sometimes terrifying ones. I did manage to get up the strength to move out. The problem now is that he has two small children age 11 and 4 that we have had living with us for 3 years and they are attached to me and I to them. He and I are going back and forth but this holoday weekend the girls are with their mom and he again ditched me for his friends and a party and wasted what I thought would be a good time for us to spend time alone. While we lived together I did everything including raise his girls. My children are grown and live away from home. He says he wants me to move home but I think this is because his house was always clean and he had meals on the table and a live in babysitter. I have once again gone no contact as I feel like I just can’t stand this hurt anymore! But what about the kids? I have basically been raising them alone as he seems to disregard them if I am there as he knows they are loved and safe. He has been having to be a full time dad since I left. But how do I have no contact with the girls? I have people say they are not my kids anyway but that doesn’t make it easier as their mothers are rarely in the picture and only sporadically at best. I feel scared that I will never be free of him now because of my love for the girls. I don’t want them to think I have abandoned them. I just don’t know what to do
But I am tired tired tired of being played and hurt by him. Thank you for reading.
Zari Ballard
November 27, 2016 at 2:28 pmHi Kristine,
Yes, that is difficult but the fact is that you’ve already moved out so the hardest part, relative to his kids, is already done. Does he have custody of the kids? When you say the mom isn’t around…why not? How often does she have them? How often does he have them…three days a week? Five days a week? I understand that you care for them but maybe it’s time for the parents to step up. Maybe, by being the obviously caring and compassionate girlfriend of this guy, you’ve been making it easy for both of them to be absentee parents.
My thinking is given the fact that your kids are grown, it is time to think and care about YOU. Unfortunately, when it comes time to leave these creatures, we have to cut the ties that bind. ALL of them. I agree with you that his intention is to keep you in the queue as a house cleaner and babysitter and he no doubt will say whatever he thinks you need to here to make it happen. Don’t do it. Now that you’ve moved out, take some time. The kids will be fine. He will likely use them to tug at your heartstrings but this will be using them as pawns and this will be wrong. He may even have them call you, asking that you come back. To the older one, you can explain that you care but this is not working out. She likely knows what is going on anyway. The four year old will have less of a problem. They will be just fine, my sister, probably DUE to the time you have spent with them so your efforts, believe me, were not in vain.
Let me know what is happening…I am interested to hear…
Zari xo
Kristine
November 27, 2016 at 3:44 pmHe has them full time and the 4 year olds mom is in and out of rehab for drug use and the older daughter’s mother lives out of state. He is having to be full time daddy and while the house is not up to the standard I kept it the girls seem fine and well fed. He is also having to spend a lot more time with them and they are liking that, it is confusing to me that he can seem to love the girls so much but cant give me honesty. I am glad of that though because I was concerned for them. He has had them call me as you mentioned and it is usually then that I agree to a movie and dinner with them, then a great couple weeks goes by then he is right back to the MIA act. He is a pro at cell phone games and that has been the biggest issue in our relationship and your article about cell phones is spot on! He once broke down the bathroom door to get it from me once he realized I had it and it was unlocked. That is when I decided to leave and took steps to do so. As your article said I really did fantasize about having an uninterrupted hour with that phone! And I realize it is pointless, I don’t need to know specifics and that won’t even bring me closure. I wish I could speed up time and get that hard 30 first days under my belt faster so I could know if I will really feel better and free and not so sad.
Kristine
November 27, 2016 at 3:46 pmAnd thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it is hard to talk to my family and friends about it. Thank you for your blog, it has been eye opening and life affirming!
Christina
November 26, 2016 at 3:54 pmI’m so glad I found this site. I am forever grateful!
I have been on and off with this man for 5 years- he has put me through everything and I am truly embarrassed and ashamed of how much I did for him and in return, how badly he treated me (cheating, lies, emotional abuse, ignoring me for days/weeks, etc.) he stopped talking to me a month ago, out of the blue, and I decided today that I was done. I hate him. But it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about running into him… and that thought also makes me so mad! If I saw him out downtown, why should I be the one to get upset? He’s the one that used me and treated me badly. Why should I care? But I do. It makes me sick. This is a fresh break up, but I’m sooo not over knowing that he never truly loved me. Everything was a lie. How do you even begin to get over that? 🙁
Zari Ballard
December 6, 2016 at 6:03 pmHi Christina,
I wrote an article about exactly what you are talking about. It’s about the angst of what I call the “emotional residue” of the relationship (i.e. worrying about running into him,etc.) and here is the link. Please read through all the articles on this website because I cover every topic. You can do this. It’s time to get on with your own life and leave the devastation behind.
Stay strong,
Zari xo
Ranchiya
November 23, 2016 at 5:24 amI just realized I been dealing with my baby’ s father in years 6 i wish I could know before but!! I’m glad that I don’t have to put myself to b under any controls plus nasty manipulation after finale discarded that he shuttled down my phone call while I was talking like nothing happen!! I actually knew he has changed so bad his behavior before the issued I confronted him,my case I never begging him to stay but I told him that it’s gonna be last time I will have this confused relationship with him ,my ex narcissist lied so bad for everything and gas light me that I’m such a drama queen,crazy etc.in 6 years we r not together he been working aboard that was an easy way to make him been bullshit and had the affair even during time that he had A holiday after I gone yo work!!! I stopped calling him in all case the hoovering started after 1 month breaking the silence until last week he called me But I didn’t ans.I just emailed and talking just about my daughter but…he been supporting custody never missed in 6 years
But…time off ,game over I just through and through I wanted a better life then move on I’m sure if we keep our gray rock and be tough to cut this nasty circle we will have a better life then be ourselves again nothing to be confused not at all
Sharon
November 20, 2016 at 6:20 pmHello, I love reading your article very informative. I to share one daughter with my ex something is bothering me. My ex is starting to Hoover my daughter he has never done this before.I do not know exactly what he is trying to do. If you could share some light on it I would appreciate it. Sharon!
Zari Ballard
November 24, 2016 at 7:59 pmHi Sharon,
It was a little hard to understand your comment/question but I think that your ex (that you share a daughter with) is starting to hoover your daughter? How long has it been that you or your daughter has seen or heard from him? And how old is your daughter? If you send a little more information about the situation, I’m sure I could better answer your question.
Zari:)
Hope in a silver lining
November 17, 2016 at 1:27 pmThank you for supporting someone you don’t even know when many “normal’ people are too selfish to actually care. My Ex Narc and I share children and he comes up with anything from trying to triangulate me with my son (who he to this point barely bother to see for 3&1/2 years and now whats to take him out every week end.) When I give him no attention for continuing to whore himself and live with the other woman. Who he started sleeping with behind my back saying he was working all the time & then after 23 years of marriage he moved out saying it was because I went on at him too much when he continuously gambled away all our money. Now he says I use to restrict his freedom too much and that is why he gambled all the time. However he still does this and I only contact him to find out when he is going to give me money for his payment towards the kid living expenses. Last time I saw him he offered to help drive me to the repair place so I could pick up my car. He gave me 2 Cds that he knew I would like because my car radio isnt working. But now when I listen to the music on the way to work, he fills my mind at night so I cant sleep and I am always tired at work. He uses giving me money and seeing my son as a way of setting off all my raw emotions. Help, do you think he actually means it when he says he wants to get back with me and if he does why wont he give up his gambling and leave the other woman so I can see he is making an effort to do the right thing. When I said that to him he said he needs to pay her back the money he owes her to have a clean slate and he emotionally could not live alone to show me that I could trust him. Because we share kids I find it very hard because I cant just go no contact.
Zari Ballard
November 17, 2016 at 6:23 pmHi Hope,
Look, when you share kids, “no contact” has to obviously be modified to suit the situation so don’t be stressed about following it to a ‘t’…that would be impossible. However, there ARE ways to conquer the situation. I’m actually starting to write a book about it because there doesn’t seem to be one out there that covers this particular co-parenting nightmare. A narcissist is so much more than just a “toxic” person, know what I mean?
No, I don’t believe that he means anything that he says because they never do. Everything is about what they can get away with. Everything is about keeping a target or an ex-target (and especially the mother of his kids) in the queue so that they never really move on. THE NARCISSIST’S ACTIONS NEVER MATCH HIS WORDS yet we hang on his every word because they are so good at looking you right in the eye and telling you what you want to hear.
Please read the articles that I have written here about co-parenting with a narcissist and you can start here. In fact, read all the articles because they will all pertain to him and his behaviors and how you should respond in order to keep your sanity. You can do this…you just have to step back so that you can understand (objectively) as to what (and who) you are dealing with.
Stay Strong,
Zari xo
barbara
November 10, 2016 at 11:51 ammy narcissist showed up this morning after a 2 month disappearing act to return a book I wanted him to return over a month ago. he knew I was home, but opened the storm door, put the book inside then called me as he was pulling out of the driveway!! our “friendship” relationship lasted 3 years and of course, I was drawn in a fell in love with him. I gave him money, sex, the whole nine yards. I was good to him 100% . He fell through on most promises. Then one day I asked for a payment of what he owed me and you guessed it…he texted me horrible texts and then called off the friendship! I was so devastated and of course, begged and pleaded for forgiveness. Three weeks later, he texted and said I did nothing wrong and we texted back and forth for a while then…poof…he disappeared until today…stating he was always my friend and I worry too much, etc…! Now while he was “gone” I panicked thinking he was dead, in jail, lost his job…and I would text/call asking him to please let me know if he was ok….nothing until today. Well, after reading your articles I am done with this guy! He can hoover over someone else! here is the clincher…we are senior citizens!!
Zari Ballard
November 12, 2016 at 3:19 pmWow, Barbara, he sounds just like my ex….leaving about money (that he owed!) and using something as benign as a book to hoover back in for the sole purpose of disappearing once again. Once, about ten years into the relationship and at a time when I was struggling financially, my narc was “staying” with me while he was working full time “saving” for an apartment. After about four months, I finally got up enough courage to ask for a little money towards the rent and after much arguing back and forth, he finally coughed up $300 which helped immensely. The damage, however, had been done and a day later, while I was out, he packed his bags and vanished. I was devastated and knew it was about the money. I didn’t hear from him until VALENTINE’S DAY three weeks later when I came home to find the word “THIEF” printed in big filled-in block letters USING OFFICE WHITE-OUT on the window beside my front door for all my apartment neighbors to see. In fact, it was my 15-year old son who stepped outside and found it and called me about it. It took me three days to scrape it off with a knife and it was so embarrassing. I figure it took him AT LEAST 45-minutes to stand there patiently painting that word on that window. He must have used a whole bottle of that white-out! I later found out that he was staying in a sleazy hotel where he was perfectly comfortable paying $40/night rather than live with us in a lovely apartment by the mountains where he might have to contribute every once in awhile. Mind-boggling!
xo