Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
travis
November 4, 2015 at 1:44 amIn the thick of it right now. Going through an ugly divorce and two littl kids involved. Been stay at home dad for 6 months then she takes all my money and leaves me on my birthday for a man she been cheating on me behind my back sense the day we met….now shes playing victem in court and ive been selling everthing i own to take care of our kids…..shes got a dv. Lawyer who buys her lies now to. Anmy kids havent seen her in 6 months. Nor has she sent us a dime! Mans worst night meres all come true.
Topper
November 14, 2015 at 11:33 pmZari and other guys like me,
Ok guys, here’s the deal. You are not alone. It’s NOT you. All we are is fuel. They will never be happy, they can’t , but we can and we should. Their make up is so deep they just think it is normal for them to take.
The fact that we are here as men talking about ours feelings, like hurt, pain, agony, is the very first step to take. Our life is far to short to waste our precious time trying to please them, when I promise you, they just don’t give a shit about us. Getting professional help is healthy for you. Go get some. Make sure they are of American Heritage. This is an American family issue. People of another country or culture have no clue.
In time you will be able to spot them like a flashing red light…..just don’t stop…..run the other direction or you will loose big time. I am getting help, courtesy of the V.A. Free. Now, after almost fifty long years of turmoil, I know now it is not me. The monkey is now off my back and I have a chain around his neck running around with a cup collecting tips while I play my accordion. In my minds eye ……that is how I feel. the help you will be getting is nothing different than taking a class for something. It is an education you must have. So make it a positive thing, like a new adventure.
You will find just how transparent they are. You will find just how weak they are. They can be toys, but that is a very bad thing for you. Be a gracious winner and be happy.
Remember, they need us for fuel. We do not need them. The best revenge is quiet success.
Get well, be happy, GOD bless America.
Topper
Zari Ballard
November 15, 2015 at 1:32 pmTopper wrote…You will find just how transparent they are. You will find just how weak they are. They can be toys, but that is a very bad thing for you. Be a gracious winner and be happy. Remember, they need us for fuel. We do not need them. The best revenge is quiet success. Well said and you’re comment on “quiet success” just inspired me for my next article.
Thank you for sharing &, yes, God Bless America, Topper!
Zari xo
James
October 18, 2015 at 5:50 pmHey zari,
So many of these stories have reminded me of my situation. I met a girl back in May. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and down to earth (or so I thought lol). She was new in town and didn’t know many people. I met her through friends and we hit it off really well. Like REALLY well… Too well. I was almost a little intimidated at first, but kept my cool and took her on an awesome first date. We had sex, which was great, then it went from 0 to 100 real quick. Next date I met her kids and she gave me a key to her house. She’d shower me with texts, calls, attention, affection, sex, you name it. It was really intense all at once. I even thought this was kinda weird, but told myself I was just being parinod. Plus she was hot and I really liked her. She told me things like, “I want you over all the time” .. “I never liked someone so much so fast” . I mean, she went well out of her way to win me over. Plus she makes around 100k a year, so she had resources to take the love bombing extremely far. As this was happening, I noticed more often she would she would put down her friends, co-workers, family members, ect. She has 2 kids from 2 fathers, who she acted like she didn’t like, but had a pretty suspect relationship with them (this became more clear at the end)… Obviously I caught feelings and fell in love with her. It was like she was everything I wanted in a girl.. Well maybe not the baby dad drama, but she sold herself pretty well that I was able to get past it. Anyways, this went on for about 3 months until one day she pulled back on almost everything she was doing. Out of the blue, she became cold, distant, and very critical. All of a sudden, I go from the “perfect” guy to someone who can’t do anything right. She started stonewalling and throwing tantrums like a child. I knew something was off. When I tried calling her out on this, it made it worse. It’s like she couldn’t take any kind of criticism at all. She accused me of being needy and clingy, when I was asking about her behavior. And what’s really messed up is that all the expectations of texting, calling, touching, and seeing each other we set early in the relationship by HER. She ended up saying she didn’t want to break up, but she wouldn’t have as much time to hang out because she had “a lot going on.” I quickly learned this meant she wasn’t going to make an effort anymore. I told her that wouldn’t work. She said I couldn’t handle someone with responsibles lol. Then she never spoke to me again. It was rough after. How could someone go from the “perfect girl”, and going out of their way to make you feel awesome.. To just bouncing on you and acting like it was nothing . I eventually learned about the idealize, devalue, and discard phases of a narcissistic relationship. That put everything together for me.
Zari Ballard
October 25, 2015 at 12:08 amHi James,
Well, I sure recognize this story! I had to laugh when I saw it given the fact that you booked a phone consult and we had the phone consult in the time that it took for me to get to this particular date of posts. I think I need to work on that response time! LOL I’m grateful that we had the opportunity to speak together or else you’d be still waiting for a reply!!
All that being said, you’re an awesome dude and she’s just an evil narcissistic bitch. Like I’ve always said, the female version of the narcissist is the epitome of a wolf in sheep’s clothing…and far worse than a male narcissist could ever be. YOU are going to be just fine…chalk it up to another of those life lessons that make us go hmmmmmmm.
Stay strong & be happy, JAMES!!! I’m here if you need me…
Zari xo
Topper
October 16, 2015 at 5:00 pmI am a 67 year old vet. Divorced, now with an awesome lady. Self employed for 31 years, college grade. My lady and I have been together for almost 30 years. Her son used to work for me. His girlfriend would call me at my business and ask when and how much I paid my employee. I told her I could not give out that information.
Now, 30 years later, the ex daugher in law and I have locked horns a few times. Unknowingly I have been describing every aspect of this evil little bitch to a T after reading your article. I am going to a therapist now for PTSD, which uncovered her evilness. I am so glad it is not ME. I first met devil woman in 1983′ it is now 2015. About three weeks ago I came to the conclusion my girlfriend and life’s partner may be codependent relative to the ex daughter in law. Today, after reading your article, I think I may be right. But, how do I bring my partner to realize that she herself is a victim and or co dependent?
This is my second time in my life time at being in therapy. The first time was 40 or so years ago. I had an obsession. I was fearfull of having rabies after a cat bite. I knew enough about human behavior problems, that in order to fix something, one needs to take control and charge full steam ahead into battle (the problem) right to the source. Which I did.
Now, this narcissist stuff is new to me, but after spending a few days reading on the Internet I have found I can almost spot a narc just from a smile or short conversation. There is really no place to hide, which I do not want to hide from devil woman. I want to stand there quietly letting her know I can see clear through the evil you do. I refuse to run. I never did in the Army. And I am not running now.
On another note, her best friend is now a Licensed counselor , the same type I am seeing. I will call her Christine, like the evil car. Now that Christine is a counselor, she is all of a sudden all knowing, the wise old owl with all the answers. Even though she allowed her 18 year old daughter to have a 50 year old boy friend sleep over weeks at a time……right in front of the parents, she is giving out advice to people. What I am getting at here is Christine is so hooked on devil woman, her training goes to sleep when the two are together. The point is, that shows just how much power a narcissist has over her victims.
I think I am right on this. Are we ALL crazy or what?
I would appreciate a reply to my email
Topper
Zari Ballard
November 6, 2015 at 4:45 pmHi Topper,
Thank you for sharing and sorry for the delay in responding. It’s been a crazy time for all as the holidays approach. If your girlfriend, after all these years, hasn’t figured it out about the ex-daughter-in-law, then I doubt she will now no matter what you tell her. My thought is that unless this person is flat-out interfering in YOUR relationship with your girlfriend, you will have to continue to watch from afar. It’s likely she knows you are on to her anyway so she doesn’t stick her nose in things directly…just enough, tho, that you know she exists day to day. I assume that the reason your girlfriend has maintained the friendship is because of grandchildren(?) because, other than that, why would she? It does sound odd to me but odder things have certainly happened. Your girlfriend surely knows how you feel about her friend, right?
Bo, we’re not all crazy, Topper. These monsters certainly exist and often too close for comfort. We have to pick our battles, though, because we spend far too much time awarding them our energies which could be better spent elsewhere. Maintain your stance of power when speaking with her and, here and there, offer your unsolicited opinion about her to your girlfriend. It’s all you can do. The key is that you’re aware of the enemy and once our eyes become open to how they navigate through the world and in and out of relationships, their power on us is greatly diminished. Sounds to me like you’ve got a handle on it, brother.
Stay strong and write anytime!
Zari xo
gary
November 6, 2015 at 7:54 pmZari,
As a matter of fact, I am in therapy through the V.A. My first test was Halloween at her house (devil woman). she has a new boy friend of Mexican heritage. The entire family was there. They are a traditional Mexican family with great values. WELL… her costume for the evening was as an old west dance hall queen……more like main hooker. She even had money stuck in her cleavage. With small children there it was not appropriate.
So, when I walked in I was speechless, mentally I opened my toolbox and searched for the tools I needed to get through the evening. (mentally) . there is far more to this story, but the main thing is…..I am getting an education on how to deal with that kind of personality. Like any type of learning, we get tools to get us through the day.
I now know it is NOT me. every encounter is a test of how much we have learned. I love my V.A., I love my new education, ….funny thing is, I can spot people that are narcs.
topper
alexander dalgado
October 8, 2015 at 12:54 pmI can really relate to what you say about female narcissist they are evil to the core I am a victim for total 30 years and I sympathise with all male victims it is really hard very very hard to go thru this torture of false accusation, lies stalking hiding finances being abusive , withholding intimacy I have been passing sleepless nights only thinking when this will all end they don’t have any feeling of remose or guilt to them the world is more important that others feelings in fact male victims have much less support and no one will ever believe that you are being abused by the pretty face everything that they say or do is really what they are up to and put it on to you what for 20years I always thought it was normal marital issues but the day she started making false accusations of me having an affair in front of my children I just had a gut feeling that things were really going south it was just by chance that I came upon the website on narcissism and I was really thrown off my seat it it has been 10 years now since that date that she ill not and never take responsibility for her actions and bring peace wow!!! Zari you will be really surprised to see what has being going on for the past10 years it is fully blown narcissism.. regards
Topper
October 18, 2015 at 7:56 amShe is accusing you of what she is doing. My mother did that, my ex wife did that, my g/f’s ex daughter in law does that, and so does Obama and Hillery. Your only defense is to just take of yourself. YOU can’t do shit to stop them. Ignore their crap or run.
Kyle
September 8, 2015 at 5:45 pmHey hope you respond, I am basicly out of a relationship with what I believed was a heavily narcisstic woman. It only lasted 9 months but felt insanely real/intense/passionate and over the top. There were weird things going on from nearly the beginning about that I couldnt call her because ‘of the ex’ and something to do with children custody.
The dynamic was messed up from the beginning but I thought I could keep my feelings out and it was fun hooking up with a hot woman. The sex was insanely dangerous but hot.
Anyway the damage she did was pretty massive but I canthelp but think I was the ‘weak one’, it would be things like ‘I;ll call you monday’ and nothing, and only a week later ‘oh so glad to hear your voice!
She worked on a medical helicopter so she ENDLESSLY (like every day we talked) talked about how cool she was, how many people she saved, etc etc. I would tell her things I did that were objectively ‘cool’ like rock climbing, jumping from a plane, harleys, and it was always ‘thats boring/dangerous/dumb’ followed by ‘well I got a call, got to go fly, buhbye~!’
Long story short, found out she was married and living with husband, claims no sex, I actually believe her but the potential drama is WAY too much, I was depressed and totally lost my identity with her (is this normal?). I cut her loose, and it was hard, but I know it was right, the problem is the identity damage is still real, I feel like a ‘loser’ that my life is boring, that flying around a helicopter is the highest thing a human can strive for…
any help? Thanks for the website and and response!
Maxie
July 26, 2015 at 8:44 amHi Zari—At some point, I realize that I have to get out there again and I will run into my ex-Narc at one of my gigs. I recently had a “close call”. I went to one of the clubs I play at to see a friend’s group perform . I had just finished a gig with the Hawaiian Band I play with and was assured that the coast was clear by one of my bandmates who got there before me. What he “forgot” to tell me was her best friend (and fellow Narc) was there.
She approached me the second I stepped through the door as if she had some kind of radar. I immediately look toward the table that she came from and she said, “oh don’t worry, she’s not here”. I replied, “that’s good”. She proceeded to tell me all about her new love interest that she had found in Hawaii who was from the same town that I born and went on and on…blah, blah, blah. I was very careful not to mention a single word about her partner in crime (my ex), especially since her birthday was the following day. I know for sure that it would have gotten to her within seconds. I remained quiet and just listened as she rambled on about how marvelous this new guy was ( like I really cared). I excused myself and made the rounds, saying hello to a few musician friends I haven’t seen in a long time, having to answer the recurring question: “Where the heck have you been?” Then, as I was leaving, she approached me again and said, “it was so nice to see you, please stay in touch, ok?”. My bandmate thought she was being very cordial. I told him that there’s an old Native American Indian saying: “The message of a dove is seldom brought by a hawk”.
Needless to say, it was a very awkward evening for me and it brought back painful memories, even without my ex physically being here. Boy, what a horrific lesson this has been and what a hell of a roller coaster ride!
I hope things are going well with you, I know you are busy lady!
Thank you for your support!
Maxie
Larry G. Jr.
July 22, 2015 at 3:41 pmI would like to say THANK YOU so much for the above letter! I can’t tell how good it felt to hear a woman say the things you said. The last seven months have been hell for me and I know the road is going to be long and hard to get back what I have lost over the last four years, but it’s nice to know that a woman out there understands what I’m going through and wants to help.
No one understands the pain I’m in everyday and for the most part I have keep everything to myself. Iv tried expressing things to my best friend, but I can tell he doesn’t understand and why would he? He’s never been through this hell before just like I have never been through the divorce he went through years ago.
I’m doing everything I can to get better, but everyday I wake up feeling like shit and wishing I had never met her. I know after reading everything I can that it was not my fault, but that can’t erase the memories of everything good and bad that has happened over the last four years.
So I look forward to reading your articles and book. As after one reading I know anything else you write about this is going to help big and small.
Thank you,
Larry