Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Thomas Hope
January 28, 2016 at 8:06 amGood morning Zari,
I know you are a busy woman and have many emails coming. I’m curious about your response to my post on here a few weeks ago. I never saw anything and now I can’t find it on here at all, and the response you wrote to me under the seduce and discard topic about the Beta fish has been removed. Am I just having difficulties on my end? Thank you.
Tom
Darrell
January 27, 2016 at 8:28 amZari,
I am so glad I found your site. What you described fits my situation and my GF to a tee, but I have to admit that I accept a lot of blame, as I let it happen.
She was an ex-model, beautiful and sexy, 8 years younger, and it was an ego stroke for her to be interested in me..I am a bigger guy, handsome, though, and confident. The confidence part wouldn’t last..
We had known each other for years, I knew she was a brat, and we had a few trysts earlier, but never really dated, but she knew how strongly I felt about her and her son.
Then she lost her job, her Dr. Feelgood diagnosed her with Fibro, and she tried to get disability. No income coming in, she suddenly wanted to date me. I was stable..I had a good job, I was able to save up and go on trips when I wanted, I didn’t live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I was perfect for her to start dating.
At the time I didn’t see it..we were lovey dovey for the first few weeks, and then she calls upset, she is about to be evicted. Instead of telling her, “Gee, can you borrow the money from your mom, or look for a place you can afford” I tried to help her. I told her I could, but it would mean I would basically have no money left after my bills, but with the little she had left from her cashing her IRA, we could get her caught up.
So, what did she proceed to do? Take the money she had and blow it on shoes or clothes she didn’t need, and also more than she had, so I had to cover that PLUS more money.
Red Flag, Red Flag, should have ran.
I didn’t. She has this way, a way of putting her as a victim. Looking back, it is amazing to watch. At the time, it wasn’t fun, of course. My confidence was at an all time low, so of course she smelled blood in the water and continued to strike.
Next came an engagement ring I couldn’t afford, then a car I am making payments on at expense of making payments on mine…she moved in with me, doesn’t pay a dime towards rent, utilities, but expects her to have her cable so she can sit at home and watch tv all day.
I would work 10-12 hours a day, come home, clean the kitchen, cook, and then clean again, and then maybe a few minutes to sit down, and hope she wasn’t hopped up on percocet, Xanax and Vodka so I could sleep at least 3 hours. Otherwise, I would get an earful about how she wants money, and wants to shop, and I don’t love her and respect her and …well, I am sure you get the jist.
I was down and beaten. Finally, after 1 full week of no sleep, she started in with this again, and I got up, took a knife from the kitchen drawer and walked outside to slit my throat. It was a haze. She saw me, and she WOKE up her 8 year old son, to tell him that I was going to kill myself and come down stairs and watch me be a drama queen.
That snapped me out of the haze. I put the knife back, she called the police and told them what I had tried to do, and, I quote, “He is just being a drama queen” this is what she told the police.
The officer arrived and I talked to them. They were really great guys, and I told them I was so tired…I wanted to sleep, she wouldn’t let me. They told me that I really needed to get away from her, and if possible, find another place to be that night. I didn’t have anywhere to go, no money for a hotel.
They talked to her separately, and told her that she needed to leave me alone, and let me sleep, as it was obvious to anyone that I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
This lasted a half hour, before she came in the room shoved her 8 year old son at me and told him to tell me bye, that she was driving to her Mom’s. I weakly hugged him and told him I loved him and I would see him soon.
She snapped. She screamed at me, “That’s how you tell my son goodbye, you don’t care, I am not leaving you leave, you get out!”
Despite my not having a place to go, and the fact that the rent was paid by me, and the fact that I was exhausted, I put on some clothes, told her son that he can call me anytime, that his Grandmother had my number, and I left, with her screaming obscenities at my back.
10 minutes down the road, my phone rings, it was her number, but it was her son asking me if I was coming back. I told him that his mother had kicked me out, and he said that she wanted me to come home. I said I would. This was 3 AM
I came home, I had to be at work at 630. I just stayed up, while she continued screaming and behaving like a literal psychopath. I actually recorded her on my phone, and I am glad I had the foresight to do so.
Finally, I left for work, exhausted. I broke down.
I told my supervisor what was going on. He told me to please get help. I called one of my best friends, and she told me to please get help.
It wasn’t until I called my sister that everything poured out..the doubts, the fears, the anguish. My sister told me NOT to go home, under any circumstance. She called and got me a room at a hotel, and I checked in that night.
My phone exploded, of course, tons of calls and texts from her. One after the other, then from her mother and her brother..and funnily enough, her family didn’t care what happened to HER, just to her son, that I needed to take care of him.
The next morning, I called into work, sat on the edge of the bed in the motel, and took the string from my hoodie and wrapped around my neck. I sat there for minutes like that, I had no way out, and death seemed like a comfort to me. I started to wrapped the string around the doorknob, but I stopped. No, I said. Not yet, maybe later, I need to see my sister.
I drove to my sister’s house the next town over, and the first thing I did was hand her my hand-fashioned noose. I broke down, racking sobs and pain inside, and anger at myself for allowing this to happen. I was lost. I wanted to be ME again.
My mother lives with my sister, and she comforted me, as did my sister, my brother, my family…I had cut so many ties because I was so embarrassed at what I had become..I had lost 60 pound in two months, I was physically and emotionally drained.
I am so grateful for them, even now, tears form in my eyes when I remember the love and caring they gave me.
But she wasn’t done with me yet.
She kept calling, and calling, the guilt I started to feel for just leaving, I finally answered the phone. I remember her screaming at me that I didn’t love her and her son, that I didn’t care, I remember weakly replying, I do care, I do, I have to get help, I am afraid I will hurt myself, I remember her screaming at me to be a man, and to stop being a little drama queen and that she was going to take a lot of pills and kill herself, then I broke down, I slid down the wall I was braced against, on the floor, racking sobs. My sister grabbed the phone from my hand and told her to STOP calling me and hung up the phone.
I had a breakdown. My sister was scared, and I was ashamed. She hugged me and talked me into going into the hospital.
I spent a week in the psychiatric ward, and was finally able to get myself focused, away from her. I told the nurses and doctors about her, and they all said she sounded like she was a Narcissist. When I told them all the drugs she took (I was one that had to pick up her prescriptions), they were shocked that a doctor would prescribe that combination of medicines to ANYONE, and when I told them the doctor’s name they rolled their eyes. He had a reputation as a pill dispenser, they said.
My supervisor called my sister and told her that I had a job when I came back, that they wanted me to get better. That picked up my spirits, as I do love my job and everyone that worked there. That was one of things that helped me, along with the support and love of my family and friends.
I was shaky but good when I got out, I stayed at my sister’s house, and left my phone off. She tried calling my sister’s home phone one or two times, but after no one ever answered, she stopped.
It was good being with my family again. The day before I was to go back to work, I plugged my phone in and set the alarm, and saw all the texts she sent, along with the phone messages. They were typical, that she was going to kill herself. She didn’t understand how I could do this to her (this was after my sister finally told her that I was in a hospital, after she kept calling my sister’s house repeatedly), that I never loved her.
Then, telling me that she loved me and she never wanted to hurt me, and that even though I hurt her, she still wanted me.
After I hurt her. The selfishness of her position was staggering..it was a blow to the head, the heart. I knew what she was, the lengths she would go to in order to paint herself as the victim, as I was crushed and almost at my end. I was shaken by the texts and messages a little, but talking to my family helped me past them. They could see what she was doing, it was a classic manipulative move, to hit me when I was weak, to plant the seed of doubt. All during my check in at the hospital, I kept thinking I was making things worse, and I finally admitted that to a nurse. They reassured me that I needed help, and this was the first step to realizing it.
I did finally talk to her, and I was stronger than I could ever imagine I could be.
She begged, she cajoled, she said she would do anything.
I needed to get my stuff out of the place I lived at and she was staying rent-free, so I laid it on the line. She gets help. She gets a real doctor, and stops all the pills and drinking. She gets a job, she helps with the finances. She agreed, oh, yes, I love you, please, tears and crying.
So, I went back, just before Christmas.
And she was wonderful, but I kept her at arms length. My mind was clear for the first time in a long while, and I felt like my old self, confident and sure. Saying “No” a lot more, and when she whine, completely shutting her out.
It was fine for a few weeks.
And then, last week she got drunk on Vodka and pills and started again.
I didn’t shy away, though. She woke me up at 1 am, wanting to talk about how she was depressed, and I was ignoring her, and she is tired of not having money..
I told her that she was drunk, I wasn’t having this conversation, and if she wanted money, get a job. I wasn’t her ATM, contribute if she wants shiny things.
She kept on, I kept telling her to go to bed, she was drunk, I grabbed my pillow, headed to the spare bedroom, locked the door, and got back to sleep.
The next day she sent a text like nothing happened.
I told her if she pulled a stunt like that again, I was gone.
Lots of ‘I love yous’ but no apologies, that wasn’t in her nature.
She did it again two nights ago, and I left, no looking back, my soul and heart finally free from the tyranny of her insanity.
It doesn’t hurt to not have her, what hurts is the fact I wasted time and money..a lot of money..on someone that isn’t capable of caring.
My friend asked me last night if I was sad.
I told her, no. You don’t get sad when a snake that bites you over and over is run over by a truck, do you?
I feel sorry for her son, but if his grandmother cares, she will take steps to get custody of him, as the narcissist is unwilling to really care for him..she used him as an accessory than actually treating him as a child. I was probably the only parent he had ever known in his life.
But, there is my story. There is hope for people like me, I went through hell, but came through battle scared, but stronger.
Darrell
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2016 at 3:55 pmDarrell wrote…You don’t get sad when a snake that bites you over and over is run over by a truck, do you?
Hi Darrell,
Thank you so much for writing and sharing your story. I literally cried. Thank God you are alive to tell your tale. This is what these creatures do to your very heart and soul. They will literally suck the life from you in the most torturous way until you feel like there is no other choice but end it. AGAIN, I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU ARE HERE WITH US AND WERE WILLING TO SHARE YOUR STORY. It is an important one, brother.
From my personal email, I am going to send you a copy of my book about female narcs so please look for it. It will confirm and validate you even further. I realize that it has been two weeks since you’ve written and I hope and pray that you are still well. You absolutely did the right thing and owe her NOTHING.
Wishing you nothing but the best and write anytime! I am here to support you….
Zari xo
Dan
January 3, 2016 at 4:49 pmThank you so much for writing this, it is actually awful when you’re trying to find support and comfort and all you keep seeing is ‘he’ ‘him’ etc. I really appreciate that you took the time to do this and in fact even just noticed to begin with! x
Zari Ballard
January 4, 2016 at 1:39 pmHi Dan,
Thank you for visiting my website and I wish you nothing but the best for the New Year. So sorry about the “he/she” thing – I know that it’s frustrating. Listen, I’m going to go my personal email right now and send you a copy of the book that I wrote for the guys. I’ll send it in PDF form to the email that you used to submit your post. I hope you find it meaningful!
Above all else, remember that you deserve to be happy:)
Zari xo
Maxiey
December 20, 2015 at 8:00 pmHi Zari—Just wishing you and your son a Merry Christmas! Also, being in the band again is a great way to start the New Year! Congratulations! Thank you for being supportive to all of us on the website over the past year, it’s been a blessing to communicate with someone who understands the truth about these parasitic predators.
Aloha,
Maxie
Zari Ballard
December 21, 2015 at 5:00 amHi Maxiey,
Thanks, my brother & fellow rocker! Believe me, I consider it my privilege to be here. I believe 2016 is going to be a good year for all of us. It’s a fresh start and we deserve it. Wishing you too the best Christmas and New Year ever! I’m glad you found your way to my website:)
Much Love,
Zari
Grounded
December 17, 2015 at 3:33 pmZari:
It is nice to finally see someone siding with the men of Narcissistic abuse, rather than making the man out the be the villain all the time.
I spent a year a marriage with a Narcissist, who I have been separated from for almost 4 weeks now. She was able to suck me in very quickly out of my emotional loneliness after nine years divorced from my first wife, who also was a Narcissist and unfaithful in the marriage.
My current wife has used her words to tear me down over and over again. the abuse just kept getting worse every day. She is a textbook narcissist in every way.
One moment she would rip my heart out with her words and within minutes act as though nothing happened.
The only time she would really treat me nice is when she needed to be pleased sexually some times this would last for a few days until she was content with the pleasure she received and right back to tearing me down again. Sometime the disrespect would come as soon as we were done having sex. Other times she would act out against me during the act of sex.
I have addressed her many times on how she treats me only to be made out to be the bad guy and that I was the evil one because I would get upset with her.
She pushed and pushed and repeated things about my dad (someone who she never knew, never met) I myself know nothing about my dad. He died when I was a year and a half old. She said things a number of times about him and one day really pushed at me with her words and what she said about my dad and wouldn’t stop until I lost it and slapped her upside the head. I messed up by striking her, but she never took any action other than her words against me for it and kept bringing it up again and again that I slapped her causing her pain.
I made the mistake in the beginning of the relationship by sharing things with her about my past, only to have those things used against me.
She did what she need to keep me in the relationship until I confronted her on how she was treating me by asking her why she felt the need to do what she was doing. (addressing her very specifically on things). I never received an answer from her other than accusing me of being unloving, uncaring, having no compassion for her.
Many times I would try to give her what she desired in love, care, compassion, you name it, only to be pushed away or she would withdraw from me.
I am struggling right now to move beyond the pain, and once again loneliness.
Thank you for your article. I look forward to exploring more of your site.
Zari Ballard
December 26, 2015 at 12:25 amHi Grounded,
Thank you for writing and I’m grateful you found your way to my website. I’m sorry that your going through this and I hope that you find your way to peace sometime soon. One step at a time…one day at a time. It’s all you can do. Female narcissists are the worst of the worst and I wouldn’t trade places with you for three seconds. I wrote a book (downloadable from Amazon) about the female narc called When Evil Is a Pretty Face and it would probably bring you a whole lot of clarity. The more you know about what you’ve been dealing with, the easier it will be to distance yourself from her evil ways. Even though I never condone physical altercations of any kind, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that it was her INTENTION to drive you to do it and I would have probably done the exact same thing. Don’t feel guilty at all and just move on.
Stays strong, brother, and I’m here to support you. Recovery is a team effort!
Zari xo
Rob
November 18, 2015 at 4:26 pmI was in a marriage for 10 years with a female narcissist.as I’ve always been a very kind helpful loving person it seems to me that she played on that take full advantage of molding me in to what she wanted me to be taking me away from my family and friends also having three gorgeous little girls of 7 6 and 4. she left the marital home and left me to look after the girls and run a business on my own and she was messing around behind my back as I use to question her more and stop doing things for her that’s why I believe y she went off with somebody else.or was i just a crap husband .her words to me were I should have never had children and never got married and also had a career she used to always say to me that I used to imagine things I just started to notice which of course is a sign of narcissism.she’s now joining the RAF and funny enough for new bloke is also in the RAF she used to spend loads of time with him and completely ditch the children and see them for 72 hours a month . I’m getting at the moment is if I don’t basically do as I’m told and be controlled by her as always she threatened to take the children off me and what she does is she keeps saying that I used to abuse her and beat her up this is what I’m worried about as ive never done anything like this ever I never would don’t know there’s any advice out there for me for help. I’ve had the children live with me now fir Aprox 6 mouths on my own. She still makes me feel that I never done anything for her and was a crap husband I was always jealous .it Brings Me Down because I believe what I done for her was alot of stuff I always use to come home break times cook hoover clean do everything tea and toast in bed every morning all the things I thought husband to do even tho she was a house wife and I had to do 8-12 hour days some times .every thing had to be done her way too i could never be right .hope this makes sense as I’m not very good at writing this stuff.
Yves
November 18, 2015 at 3:53 pmThank you for addressing this problem, I have experienced a female narcissist, just at the end of an 11months divorce, still awaiting the judge decision, I adopted her biological daughter, and I am going broke trying to save her from her narcissist mother, with the help of my family in law, that has now pretty much adopted me…lol…..it is very difficult, exposing her started an all out war, she has tried everything she could to destroy me, I am still standing strong, because my little girl needs me, I search the net all the time, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around what has happened, I am just in survival mode for my 6 year old daughter, I hope one day I will be able to resurface from this.
Yves.