Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Maxie
June 23, 2016 at 11:22 amHi Zari—Just checking in and I hope all is well in your world. No Ex-Narc sightings to report and that’s just fine with me. She no doubt has moved on to another victim(s) as well as establishing another social circle. Once she suspects people realize who (and more importantly WHAT) they’re dealing with, she’ll discard them and move on to the next “feeding ground”. It’s the perpetual lifestyle of the Narcissist.
I continue to be amazed reading the growing number of cases of Narcissistic abuse and the cold-hearted actions of these social misfits. And, there is no doubt that survival is a team effort—we must all help each other to move forward and leave these parasites in the dust, where they belong. Additionally, we must thread carefully when the ever-increasing number of drug store psychologist dictate various steps towards healing. For example, anger must be embraced but not harbored for too long—in order to reach the next healing phase. In the case of this kind of abuse, anger just may be the Rosetta Stone that sets you free—it certainly was for me. Yes, I am pissed off big time and in essence I should be. The audacity of someone perpetually disrespecting, humiliating and insulting you then suggesting you be their friend after the discard is completely ridiculous. Of course the catch-22 is, as you’ve said, “whatever you allow will continue to happen”.
Thank you again for creating this website and supporting all of us!
Aloha,
Maxie
Mash
May 26, 2016 at 7:32 amHi Zari.Thank you for creating this support group/site/forum.
My ex up and left me 8 weeks ago for another guy and I think its coz I was broke at the time.we were together for 3+ years. I felt betrayed and my heart broken into many pieces. What fascinates me the most is that I have always known this is not my type of relationship or the fact that I wouldn’t want to marry her but I didn’t see it coming. Our first fallout was 2 days after we decided to make it official and we agreed that she should stop going to another friend of hers who was interested in her and kept on texting her while we were together. When I went to see her the guy texted her and told her that dhe had left her key indicating that she stil went to his place.i got so angry and instead of apologizing she asked me what I wanted to do now that she had already gone. I asked her to apologize but she told me an apology wasn’t going to help anyone and I was In awe of what kind of a person she was to ask something like that and see no need to apologize. I kept explaining to her that an apology wasn’t going to change anything but it would show some remorse. eventually she apologized after 15 minutes of explaining why it was good to apologise.
All through this 3 years, I have been the one doing things for her understandably because she wasn’t working and when she started working, I didn’t ask for anything. We used to argue at night even because she couldn’t tell me good night. When I told her goodnyt when sleeping she wouldn’t reply and when I asked hewr why she said that I should know she wishes me a good night to or that if she was to open her mouth, her sleep would disappear.
A sign of her narcissism is that Her insagram page had 996 photos and 920 of these were her face and I told her those were to many so she deleted some and has 560 + photos of which 550 are of herself J she is quite a looker to with a perfect body.she has a picture on there of her self looking into a mirrior that she captioned “just admiring myself” and it got me thinking how self absorbed she is. I think that is what I miss,the beauty but if you ask me of her personality, I would say she doesn’t have any.no hobbies or interest at all,she is just into make up coz that her job, apart from that,give her internet and a charged phone, she is happy. She never made me feel loved though and sometimes she made me feel like going crazy. One time I banged my hand on the wall several times while talking to her that I broke my watch because she was so unreasonable and couldn’t see the logic in what we were discussing. I could on many occasions question my memory because she kept on saying she didn’t say something and I know for a fact she had said it. I kept on telling her on several occasions that we should be recording our conversations or have someone around so that she doesn’t say she didn’t say something. I was going mad.
We used to argue so much because I would agree to doing somethings she wanted me to do and that made her unhappy. She equates love to someone doing for her things. She has no real friends,they just keep coming and going. Three years and I have hanged out with her friends (different ones)twice.All along we have been hanging with my friends coz her so called “friends”(college friend that talk once in 5 months) are sorry to say this, “hoes”.two keep globe trotting with old men, the others are the same because she kept on telling me they hang out with married people and stuff. There isn’t one good one I have met.
She used to tell me I am insecure while all along if a notification (twitter) rings on my phone, she was the one telling me that my women are texting me and I would give her the phone and ask her to read for me what they are saying and she wouldn’t want or say sorry because she was wrong. I stopped talking to my female friends because I had a “thing “ with them and to please her I would get in the house and just put my phone on the charger and that would also be a problem for her saying that I had put it off or on flight mode and every time I would ask her to see if it is off, she wouldnt.i woul actually go get it in full view and show it to her but she would just shrug it off.
Last 5 months I have been going through a tough financial time and I haven’t been able to take her out for dates or do much for her.Everytime she would ask for me to take her somewhere or do something for her in this period, If I didn’t have the money, I would tell her I am not able.2 minutes later ,she would bring it up again and I would go crazy telling her that I have already told her my situation.she just couldn’t understand.3 times she has told me about different guys my age and how they are doing great financially .guys I don’t even know and when I asked her why she was telling me about them or the fact that she kept on telling me that they are my age, her defense was that she was just making conversation.
The day she left me I had I think 5 dollars on me and another 5 in my account but was expecting money since there are institutions who haven’t paid me for work done and I let her know this.That previous night she was talking to this guy and when she hang up I asked her why she was talking as if she was flirting and she told me thats the way she talks.(I have dated her for 3 years, I would know).
The guy called again in the morning and I asked her why he called and she told me he said he would wake her up. I got mad and we got in the shower together and she left me and went to work. I followed her to work so we called talk about whats happening. We talked for two hours with her and her colleague (much older and acted as our adviser).We agreed to talk it over at home later. She didn’t come home. 20 missed calls and 10 messages, non was replied. Went to her work place later next day and she told me she didn’t expect to see me and that this wasn’t working out.i asked her about the other guy and she tells me he is just like me, has one brother, we go to the same church. What silly is that she even told me what he does and how many businesses he has and even about how he is an orphan and is raising money to take his younger brother to university. Made me feel like a loser since the guy also drives and is responsible. She was like rubbing it on my face. Went through all that begging phase and she told me off and not to look for her or contact her.6 days later(6weeks ago) I sent her a text and I told her I had freed her and I wish her well.Havent spoken to her since. I just cant seem to get her out of my mind though and sometimes its paralyzing but if you ask me why I miss her, I cant give you a good reason. She was comfortable in her ignorance and is too transfixed with her beauty (got me hooked on it too).she occasionally shot down my business ideas. I think I just miss having a beautiful person next to me. I once called her a teddy bear to her face because she wasn’t adding anything to my life she was just good to cuddle with at night.
We fought so much because I would call out her bullshit and sometimes she couldn’t manipulate me and when she got the opportunity to do something that hurts me, or withhold information concerning something I asked, she was happy to torment me and even swear not to tell me and she wouldn’t.
I remember taking a walk once and thinking to myself that if I married her, I would be the saddest person on earth because of the emotional pain she puts me through now I don’t understand how I want her back.i geel like calling her and texting her.
How do I stop missing her?its draining me.aaaaarrrrgggghhh.
Sorry for the long mail,I needed to let it out.
Zari Ballard
May 29, 2016 at 1:33 amMash wrote: I remember taking a walk once and thinking to myself that if I married her, I would be the saddest person on earth because of the emotional pain she puts me through…
Hi Mash,
Thank you for writing and for sharing your story:) The last paragraph of your post says it all. You know the truth and you have to go by that. I had the same epiphany once…mine was my asking myself if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, how would I feel about the last ten years of my life and what memories would I leave for my son? Bang! The answer is what it is, my friend, and it can’t be changed. You’re going to feel sad about the loss and the betrayal but you have to remember that your suffering changes nothing. The narc goes about her business. To contact her would only take you right back to square one and a worse discard and betrayal than you ever felt before, believe me.
So you know, I speak to men all the time in consultations and you ARE NOT ALONE. Every single one is going through what you’re going through. It just takes time, my friend, and the willingness to see from the proper perspective. You’re missing something that didn’t even exist except in your own mind. It was all a facade and it was very, very wrong. Keep repeating what you thought of during your walk. It’s all the validation you need for knowing that you are doing the right thing.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Mash
May 29, 2016 at 8:50 pmThank you so much Zari.This two months apart have been hard.i dont have a problem sleeping but the mornings are worse because all the thoughrs come flooding in.its a good thing I have only dreamt of her just once and I woke up drained and sad.whem someone you have slept next to all this long just leaves in an instance and then tells you not to contact them again and that you should wish them happiness is just damaging.have seen her with the new guy twice and my knees couldnt stop shaking.i even started thinking there was a devil incolved because I just couldnt understand how a human being could do so.this site has been very helpful and knowing that people habe gone through what I have and the support here is very appreciated.Thanks again Zari.
Mike
May 18, 2016 at 11:50 amZari,
This site has been so helpful to me for two reasons. The first is that I know there are numerous men who have gone through, and are going through what I have gone through. Second I know I am blessed because based on so many posts on this website, things could be far worse. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the guys that have had their reputations ruined, lost friends etc. I am lucky that my N has only been able to damage me emotionally. My roots in my community are deep and strong and I have been so lucky to have the support system of a great family and so many great and understanding friends. My N has disappeared to re-invent herself AGAIN. I met my N almost 8 years ago. I had been married twice before. Once for 3.5 years and 10 years later for 1.5 years. My N was 1.5 years out of a 17 marraige. The first year was fantanstic. She seemed so sweet, caring and I thought, had a lot of personal integrity(wow was I wrong). She was not working. She was getting a good amount of support but she was not getting by. My family has a small business and I gave her some monthly contract work that was enough for her to make ends meet. She love bombed me heavy, with cards etc. The sex was amazing. After about 5 months of dating, I made an off the cuff remark about wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, and wham, she took it as a proposal. Before I knew what had happened, we were making plans for a wedding and our life together. We were married, and about 2 months in, the first sign of chaos. She had three kids, so did I. There was a small insignificant incident and all hell broke loose. She demanded that the kid responsible(meaning one of mine) admit it. She stated it was a matter of “character.” She loved to envoke “character,” whenever possible. This small incident began a path with my 2 youngest that resulted in me not having any contact with them for over a year. Throughout the first 4 years of our marraige, we did not fight often(probably 2 maybe 3 times a year), but when we did, it began what I called the “death spiral” that lasted several days, sometimes weeks. No appology was enough and she was never wrong. It was as if she was not satisfied until she felt she had achieved total domination. I left the house to stay at a hotel, or to stay with my parents, numerous times. I needed to leave, just so I could get some peace. When she was angry she was cold, aloof and would not talk to me. We went to counciling several times, but I would end up doing all the talking. She would sit there in silence. My friend said she was just calculating her next move based on what I was telling the councilor. The separations were complicated by the fact that I brought her in to work at our family business. When we were fighting, she would not come to work, which caused added stress. Finally, in year five of our marraige, things were calm, I was the happiest I had been in years, except for I was not seeing my two youngest kids(my oldest son was in graduate school. My wife hated him but my son made peace for me). Then about 2/3 of the way through that year, I had a funny feeling. I just knew she was having an affair. I started checking phone records and yes she was. I also found phone evidence of other previous affairs(I think for most of our marraige). A close friend told me I owed it to her, to ask her about it. I did. She denied it. Two weeks later I confronted her with irrefutable evidence and she admitted it. I moved out immediately. I was devistated. I lasted a day, and begged her to tell me where everything went wrong. We met the next day, she was cold and aloof, and of course everything was my fault. 3 days later her attitude changed. I believe now that she realized that without me, she had no job, and could not support herself and her two youngest. Her support was reduced when we married and when her oldest graduated high school. Opps! Time for damage control. Over the next few months we worked to reconcile. We went to counciling, but again she did not talk. Almost over night, she was fine and great, and wanted me to move back in. I did. The first 2 months after I was back, things were ok. However, we did not socialize because of what she called her “shame.” Then she began behaving as she previously had, when she was cheating. She was hiding money(she was recieving un-employment that I never saw). I am certain she got another, secret cell phone. She was home alone with her computer and I believe secret cell phone while I worked. There were a few weekends I am certain she was with other men. After 4 months I resolved to get out but it took another 5 months. I moved out 4 months ago and have gone virtually no contact since. It helps. I talked to her on the phone1 one week after I moved out and saw her once when I picked up some furniture, but other then that, it has only been business related texts. It is funny, I think about her every day, but it feels like years since we were married. The first 2 months I could not sleep. I am now sleeping. I am now seeing my kids. I found this site and it has been a god send. Thank you Zari! I will continue N/C and my divorce is in process. I have come to realize that probably the same thing happened in her first marraige. She admitted one affair. She has no friends left(except one) from her previous 17 year marriage. No real relationship with her parents. Red flag!!! I have never met anyone who has lost so many friends. Interesting that sh said her dad(who I only met briefly once) was a Narcissist. Projection?? She met me, and re-invented herself. All my friends became her friends. Now, she is re-inventing herself again. She can not turn anybody that knows me, against me. (I am very lucky, I know!) She is also a predator who targets married men. She admitted to being with a married man during her first marraige, 3 more during the year and a half she was single, and the admitted affair during our marraige was with a married man. The others I have discovered were also married. I am sure there is more because the truth is always far worse than we can prove or even imagine. This site has helped so much. I am moving on. Slowly. But I will not ever be hoovered back. I am still very damaged emotionally, but getting better. I am in counciling. Zari I have read your first book and am now reading “When Evil has a Pretty Face.” They have helped immensly. Thank you again.
Zari Ballard
May 29, 2016 at 4:19 pmHi Mike,
I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story – I speak to men everyday (via consultation) who have experienced the exact same thing and they need to read a story of survival. Female narcs are the epitome of evil…entities without a conscience. It blows my mind. You are an inspiration to all of us – women and men – who have gone the distance with these creatures. Be strong and diligent. I also hope and pray that you’ve fully re-connected with your children because no one should ever be able to get in the way of that but – alas – it does happen. You are not the first guy to share that same experience. You’d think that, being female, the mothering instinct would be airtight but not for a narc. They know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit.
All the best to you. Come back to share anytime! It’s always appreciated!
Zari xo
Finally Awake
May 9, 2016 at 8:43 amIt also has to do with feminism as it has institutionalized sexism (against men) in the judicial system. In the US odds are 7 to 1 in favor women in the divorce and custody process. Men also pay 90% of child support vs. 10% by women, this is feminist “equality”, I imagine it’s also the single largest gender disparity there is (in the US) and I’ve never seen it mentioned (or any male oppression for that matter) from a feminist source (which proves it’s about special rights, not equal rights). This also means female NPDs can easily abuse the justice system, judges, police and lawyers and everyone will help them vilify their victim… And once they figure that out…. the man is in for quite the ride and may end up in jail. I had several murder attempts on me (including a visit to ER), and I’m sure had she been successful, she’d have come out the victim and a hero.
Zari Ballard
May 11, 2016 at 2:40 pmHi Finally Awake,
Yes, you are so right. I speak with so many men who are being raked over the coals by female narcissists – and I mean RAKED over those coals. I agree, it’s awful. So many have served with restraining orders for no reason at all and they’re devastated. PPO’s make it hard to work, to sustain a business, or to just walk around town where you might run into her. The police automatically side with the beautiful yet UNBRUISED/UNTOUCHED female and that’s the end of that. Now, I’m not saying this is always the case because domestic violence is a real thing and can’t be dismissed. But it blows my mind how easily courts toss out restraining orders given the fact that it sticks on a person’s record and can really mess with someone’s life. Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of scenarios like this.
Now, having said that, when it comes to custody, there are – on this website – are a few comments/stories from men who were lucky enough to stand in front of a judge who could see through the female. It gave me hope for a while…that is, until the last flurry of consultations that provided me horror stories about PPO’s, etc. Male narcissists will do this too (as I am well aware) but the truth is that the female narc is an extra special kind of evil who is enabled by society itself. I don’t know how to change that but I do know that the male victim has to be proactive….documenting, staying calm in the courts, standing up for himself…it’s all he can do.
It’s a crazy world in which we live, brother…
Zari:)
Ash
March 26, 2016 at 10:45 amFinding this site was such a relief! I just got out of an intense relationship of about 4 months and in just 4 months this girl had eroded my self esteem, drained my money and energy, and played sides. At first I just thought she was bipolar, but there was something else about her. I read the comment where the guy realized he couldn’t be wrong all the time and that’s how I felt. I caught her gaslighting me, turning every angry argument she started around on me calling me a liar, and when I started resisting her and not giving her everything she wanted, she discarded me. She even waited until after my payday and let me buy her things before manufacturing our breakup. She ostricized me and tried to cut me off from all mutual friends on Facebook. It almost worked except one person reached out to me and a girl that started working with me went to her academy and is able to bridge the gap. She said the whole thing is a subject that discuss there. I asked if all those girls think I’m horrible and she said no. I was reassured by the other friend that everyone is aware of what was happening and no one thought bad of me, but even her own family was mad at her. Of course that prompted her to tell me I was the one pitting her against her family and it was my fault. That’s the only solace I have is the great support from people she tried to cut me off from. She’s given different reasons to everyone as to what happened and there still is no solid explanation for why she dumped me. She just went crazy and got my things together and kicked me out. It was a staged event but I remained calm while she was shoving me around the apartment. She tried to keep all my expensive electronics and cooking ware but I got those too. Of course now the adrenaline has worn off I’m dealing with the broken heart, the anger of getting dupped, the fear of being infected (I suspected her to be unfaithful), and the lingering memories of the good times that I know we’re fake.
On the positive side ibdont have to live by her schedule, do things her way. I was becoming a wreck because she’d always put me in positions where I was juggling two tasks and putting me down for not being able to keep up. She’d talk down to me like a child especially when I was dealing with her 5 year old daughter. I made a list of all the things I have back now and its odd that even though I’m immensely sad and hurt, I’m actually relieved. It cuts through the depression at times like a knife. A happy relief that I’ve been set free from a trap. Finding this site was amazing because I’ve been searching for support in understanding what just happened to me and repair the damage.
Gary
May 7, 2016 at 6:34 amAsh,
You are a very brave guy. Three to four months is all it takes for THEM to do a guy in. When you read more on here, you will find there are so many more guys who fell victim to THEM. THEM like the giant ant science fiction movie.
Good luck,
Gary
Maxie
March 10, 2016 at 10:16 amHi Zari—It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and I hope things are going well with you and that your band is in full gear! As for me, I haven’t heard anything from my ex-Narc and that suits me just fine. No hoovering, no Flying Monkeys….no nothing. I’m sure she’s convinced that I’m no longer a potential source of supply. And, I have no doubt that her next victim is being groomed for the hellacious nightmare to follow. I know I’ll eventually run into her at one of my gigs and I’ve carefully prepared my response if she dares to say anything to me. It consists of two words, the first word starts with an F—not very pleasant, but well-deserving and gets the point across very clearly.
My book is progressing slowly and I have a new-found appreciation for the time and effort you have put forth completing your books! I continually read the posts on your website and I always shake my head in amazement at the brutality of these mentally disordered monsters. It’s as if they have iced water running through their veins—cold, ruthless, and of course perpetually dishonest. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and we’ll all get there.
Thank you for your love and support,
Maxie
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2016 at 4:53 pmHi Maxie,
It’s so great to hear from you! Thank you for checking in…I love it. I’m grateful that the ex has left you alone. Even narcissists know when they’ve come to the end of the line and thank God for that. It’s not that they never reappear, of course, but at least we have time to – as you say – prepare our responses! LOL
Yes, band is in full swing. On March 6th, we moved to a beautiful studio around the corner so that we’d have room to turn one part into a professional recording studio. It’s me and 11 guys who chip in for this place so they’ve been painting, breaking down a wall and putting up a window from the control room to the big room, building a vocal booth, doing the wiring…and it’s all done. My contribution was to clean and fix up the bathroom – I love it! (yes – our very own bathroom.. no more peeing in the alley behind jam rooms!) Everyone has a key to the place and there’s a 24 hour practice schedule for the band projects. I’m just one project but I am so grateful for that. I love them all.
Like you, I am now prepared for the gig run-in. It’ll be awhile before I’m out but it’s best to think about it now, right? He would DIE to have the set up that I’m involved with right now and word will get out. By the way, my prepared response begins with an “F” too – imagine that!!! You just keep plugging away at the book…the rewards will be well worth it. You’ll find, after awhile, that you’ll feel detached from your own story and that’s a good thing. It is a long process and the best thing to do is write about events and instances and then connect the dots later. Get the most important things down first and then go back and fill in the blanks. It really works.
Check in any time…it’s always great to hear from you, brother!
Much Love,
Zari xo
Dad
March 2, 2016 at 4:21 pmWhat do I do, after severe devestation, financial, ruin, false arrests, and complete isolation from both our families a result of learning about this horrible evil?
I have a beautiful daughter in her grasp.
How does this get better?
Zari Ballard
March 20, 2016 at 9:27 pmHi Dad,
First, please forgive me for taking so long to get back to you. My heart breaks for your situation and there’s, unfortunately, no easy fix. You have already suffered the worst of it though and now you can do nothing but try to be the best dad that you can be when your daughter is with you and try to covertly take your power back. A female narc is the worst of the worst and has her guy counterparts beat hands down in the evil department. This is a fact. That being said, there are a few ways to handle any interactions:
1) Keep all verbal communication (in person and on the phone) to a MAXIMUM of ten minutes and no more. There is nothing that she has to say to you or you to her that can not be said in ten minutes. If you have to watch your watch, do it and let her know, if she’s going off, that her time is ticking away so she better make it good. Then hang up or walk away.
2) Keep all verbal communication to about the child only and ONLY if it’s necessary information. You have to be the judge of what is necessary and what isn’t and be confident in your decision. This tip goes hand in hand with the the tip above. Ten minutes and no more.
3) No matter what is being said, practice showing only DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE. Show her no emotion whatsoever even if it kills you. Shut the door and beat the wall, but don’t let her ruffle your feathers. This is what she obviously LIKES to do. My thought here is that, by keeping all interaction to ten minutes, you can fake ANYTHING for ten minutes – even a non-emotion. Know what I mean? At the same time that you’re training her to see that she doesn’t have the crazy effect on you she used to have, you will be re-training your own brain to understand the same thing. Fake it till you make it.
4) Document everything…even if the interaction is good. Ten minutes at a shot is easy to keep track of. Keep a journal/notebook handy at all times.
5) Be the best dad that you can be when you have your daughter…she WILL grow up knowing that you did your best and that mom was a monster. Don’t talk shit about mom in front of your daughter either – even if you know the mom is doing a job on you to her behind your back. That’s not your concern. Your concern is what your daughter hears coming out of YOUR mouth…and she will grow up knowing the difference. I guarantee it!
Good luck, dad. Write me whenever you want…I’m here to support you!
Zari xo