Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Maxie
June 13, 2018 at 9:31 amHi Zari—Just touching bases and hoping all is well with you and your son. I frequently read your blog and see that the Narc population seems to be on the rise and continue to relentlessly wreak havoc. I’m happy to report no more Narc activity on this end, thank God. Interestingly, one of my band mates went to her bank yesterday to do some business and he asked her about the prized Martin acoustic guitar I gave her just before I was discarded several years ago. She told him, “well, if he wants it back, he’ll have to call me”. He suggested I call her, as did several of my other bandmates. This is a classic Narc trap, and I’m not falling for it. She is using the guitar to lure me back, even if just to torment me. I have no desire to ever see or hear from that scum bag again. And, I believe everyone who is able to finally make the break should never, ever, go back under ANY circumstances. As you once so eloquently put it: “A Narc never changes their stripes”. These are words to live by.
Aloha and best regards,
Maxie
Linden
June 12, 2018 at 3:21 pmGreetings,
So I am at the beginning stages of learning about what appears to be my wife’s problem. Nearly 15 years together now and I am now noticing that my resilience has started to weaken over the past year or so. To be honest, I still question which of us is the problem in our relationship. But, I do know that I have experience emotional or psychological abuse, how much I’m not sure. As far as physical abuse, not much, I have been hit once and had a pair of scissors thrown at me (hit a bookshelf and stuck!) I am a pretty gullible person and trusting to boot, what’s worst is that I forgive and forget easily. Great qualities for most, but not in this situation. We also have two children together, 9 and 11. I was under the impression that she does love our children but have noticed that she can be extremely cold or blunt with them on occasion. It’s hard to imagine someone not loving their child.
I go back and forth between her being a narcissist or having borderline personality disorder. How do I determine if she is one or the other? Does it matter? Is it possible to make a successful marriage, guessing I have to demand therapy for her or I just have to leave? Last time I gave a deadline to get therapy, one week in to a two week time frame she end up in the hospital having an ulcer in her throat from a pill she swallowed wrong. Months have gone by now and I still feel like I am being emotionally drained to the point I don’t have much happiness left. I have been called many names, made to look like a fool and she says that she doesn’t trust me because I lie to her is why I don’t get any say-so in how we raise our children.
To be forthcoming I have lied to her, about smoking pot (it’s what I use to cope) and continue to do so when I have it. It’s completely against her morals and is constantly used against me as a sore spot for her to make jabs at. I have even convinced myself that I was an addict and the source of our problems, have even stopped using pot for prolonged time periods with no positive result on our relationship. Egh! I can’t do it much longer and the kids?!
John Jones
June 1, 2018 at 3:45 pmGreat article and advice to the men of the world who have had to deal with a FN. We had 6 children together which later turned out to simply be an instrument of conquest for her as opposed to truly wanting to actually raise children. Shortly after marriage I constantly worried about her loyalty or ability to actually love me only to horrifically find out 23 years later that she was incapable of even grasping the concept of loving me. I held on for 2 more years with the kids in mind before finally breaking under the mounting FN lifestyle she lived by being the constant victim, co dependent, and appearance driven person. Luckily or unlucky in a way, she blew it while I was in the throws of the divorce where she went physical both with me and my children left at home (3) and I escaped with all the children and we are now living in relative peace from the FN’s total blanket of madness. She has her occasional brush up but the children but they are learning to understand their need for boundaries and the “loss” of their Mother. FN’s are real and they hide masterfully under the guise of victim and as the article states will stop at nothing to play the martyr card to your demise. Break free, it’s the best thing I have ever done. Difficult? Yes! Worth it? Absolutely!
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 3:16 pmHi John,
Right on! Yes, it is absolutely worth it. The best things in life sometimes aren’t free but after the suffering is over…watch out. Life just gets better and better:) Thanks for stopping by.
Zari:)
Joseph Parsons
May 17, 2018 at 10:49 pmI been married to one for twenty eight years and just finding out WTH is this sick woman’s problem is. She has put me in jail five times,took my child and herself away many times. Begs her way back,swears change and undying love and on and on. The nail in the coffin has been last two years. She left again with my youngest son had me put in a nuthouse with lied. I was found competent and released and then I went to the police myself to be allowed back in my house. She was tilt that they were tired of her junk and will go to jail if she made trouble for me again. Well she left that night and finally after years of suspicious activity I caught her red handed with a man she worked with. I went after him and he ran but I was in another county that didn’t know her past and was arrested again for a year for 2 nd degree harrassment for trying to beat his ass!! I lost it. Again I get a call 20 months later it’s her and let her play her game to get to my son to get us out of this place and save something for all these years. I have used her ass for sex because yes it’s good when it’s good and we still married. I never cheated on her , left her or my kids,or abused her or even spanked my children. I am a Christian man and if having sex with this monster till I get out with my son and play her game imI going to do it. I wish I could just choke the shit out of her for the hell she caused and the family bonds she has broken on both sides of the family.
Dave Frazier
May 8, 2018 at 9:13 amI just stumbled upon your article and wanted to commend you for acknowledging what many have told me I was “imagining” when I spoke of how the female narcissist can use how society has essentially provided her a “victim card”.
I experienced first-hand how the FN can play society when my former wife left 2 months after giving birth to our child, essentially abandoning us to be with someone else. During her pregnancy was when what I thought was just her personality, the narsissnar really started to show as she used comments like how she “settled” with me when so many others had wanted her, how all her exes still loved her and would have taken her back, how sexy she was in high school, how all the guys wanted her and how she “deserved” to be treated like a Princess.
I got the last laugh though as she lost custody during our divorce and the guy who promised her the world turned out to be a male version of herself.
Sadly though after 5 years of single parenting, I ventured back into the dating world and my first encounter was with another FN. Again I had to hear about how so many guys wanted her as if I should be honored she chose to go out with me instead of one of the many other choices she had, how great she was in bed, again how all her exes were still in love with her, wanted her back, how she got so many online messages from guys who thought she was “hot”, how she had given up a lucrative career making hundreds of thousands each year for her last lover, etc, etc…
Each of these women painted me as the bad guy when I stood up for myself. I was called crazy, controlling, possessive, abusive, etc, just for standing up for myself.
Thank you for acknowledging that these types of women do exist, though I believe they are more common than you or any woman would like to admit.
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2018 at 9:32 pmHi Dave,
Oh yeah, the female narc exists alright and they can be downright ruthless. I hate to say it but narcs are everywhere. While I never recommend NOT dating for fear of continually running into them, being aware will remove you from the situation quicker. It’s all we can hope for. How on earth can a woman abandon her new baby? Only a narc can do that and, wow, can’t wrap my head around it even still. You are a very awesome guy and likely one of the best dads in the whole world:) I’m glad she lost custody because your child belongs with you. Get my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face...you will understand where it all comes from. Don’t give up on love…it’s out there, we just gotta weed through the narcissistic nonsense to find it:)
Zari xo
John G. Miller...0419 35 1971
April 23, 2018 at 8:17 pmHi Zari,
My Grandson and I are victims of a classic (divorced Grandmother) female narc sociopath.
My grandson, as a result of neo-natal meningitis, contracted in the womb, is a 25 year old, blind, non-verbal quadriplegic, who has terminal leukemia and suffers PTSD caused by his horrendous early childhood.
The divorced Grandparents had to rescue this boy from his mentally disturbed, drug addicted parents at 14 months of age. I have nurtured, protected and raised him from that time and he is dependently attached to me.
Grandmother, who has always been a difficult, dominant, manipulative and spiteful person, has decided to hand the boy back to the still dysfunctional parents because I declined to re-marry her.
The Grandmother is engineering more and more parental contact, control and separation from Grandfather.
The boy has become angry, confused, emotionally and psychologically distressed and frightened that his Grandfather no longer loves him and is abandoning him to the source of his PTSD.
He has collapsed and been hospitalised a number of times in abject despair, which has not been recognised by the medics, as he is unable to communicate his pain and I am dismissed and ignored as an angry male aggressor.
I have been blocked and unable to get help for him from any Government Authority, Mental Health, Medical and Social Welfare Agents, as I have been vilified and discriminated against as an angry Domestic Violator!
This is a complex, difficult and distressing situation, as this boy cannot communicate and demand his Rights and continues to be cruelly and brutally abused.
He has a Gov. appointed Guardian, who is reluctant to act and is blocking and covering up the situation.The Government do not want to accept responsibility. Taking this boy into care, exacerbating and making separation permanent, would not be in his best interests and would totally destroy him emotionally, physically and psychologically.
I am 71 years old, my Grandson is dying, we need peace and sanctuary. We have nowhere to hide!
I would appreciate your thoughts.Regards, JGM.
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 2:42 pmDear JGM,
This is such a distressing situation and, honestly, I would be beside myself just like you are. Unfortunately, the system in this country for situations such as your own SUCKS. Nobody in the government is ever worth a damn about anything. I am so, so sorry for you and especially for your grandson. You are a loving person who has cared for him in the best ways possible. I have a son with chronic schizophrenia who I have raised alone since the age of ten when he was diagnosed. His father has been ruthless and just now raised his ugly head after ten years via FB, causing confusion and sadness for my son once again. My son is 29. I feel your pain. Please feel free to reach out to me to my personal email via the Contact Me page and we can discuss this further. I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you.
Regards,
Zari
Norm R
April 22, 2018 at 6:32 pmI’ve learned to pull out my cell phone and start taking video. Her behavior changes real fast when she finds out I’ll put her on facebook. Otherwise, I try to just walk away. Unfortunately, with 4 daughters ranging in ages of 35 to 28, we didn’t have cell phones around when they were growing up. I hung in there because I didn’t want them to think this was “Normal” and because I knew that the husband doesn’t usually get the kids in a divorce case. I was glad I did because they turned out great! But it was torture.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 6:19 pmHi Norm, all we can do in situations like your own is be the best parent we can be to offset the madness. You obviously are an awesome dad and did just that! Congrats on raising four great women:)…xo