Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Bridget
September 21, 2018 at 10:30 amI’m fairly certain my ex boyfriend’s fiance is a female narcissist. She was a casual acquaintance of mine and swooped in while we were having issues. He’s now isolated himself from everyone in his life. We were initially in contact but she stopped that. I am convinced he is depressed and vulnerable but everyone else just thinks I’m making excuses for him. My concern for him makes it nearly impossible to let go even though they have turned me into the “crazy one”. I fear for his safety and well being. I think most people think he is just selfish but after our years together, I don’t think this is the case. Their relationship is on this turbo pace and overlapped ours. I have to let go but it’s so painful to see him become this person.
Zari Ballard
October 29, 2018 at 5:35 pmHi Bridget,
Well, I don’t know about you being the crazy one but I would have to agree with everyone around you who is telling you to let it go. He cheated on you, right? So, he’s not a nice guy. How do you know that he’s not the narc and she’s just the girl who swooped in and got caught up. Sounds like they deserve each other. You say that you’re “convinced” he’s depressed and vulnerable but that’s a strange thing to be “convinced” about. What has convinced you? Maybe they’re just in the love-bombing stage and having a good time. That’s usually what happens in the beginning of almost any relationship but especially so when one of the couple is a narcissist. I guarantee he is fine and you don’t have to worry about his safety and well-being. He’s a man, right? Then he can take care of himself. The truth is that they are BOTH assholes and deserve each other no matter which way it goes. I’m sorry because I know that what he did is hurtful but if you blame her for HIM cheating on YOU, then you ARE making excuses for him. What kind of person has he become? The way that you describe, they stick to themselves…how does that make you worried for his well-being. What kind of guy was he before that he cheated on you with someone you KNEW? Not a very nice one so what are you worried about, girl? He’s likely perfectly fine and just being the jerk he has always been. Worry about yourself and getting better. You are free now and deserve a better partner!
Stay strong,
Zari
Resilient Idealistic disappointed romantic
September 14, 2018 at 11:56 pmMy narc female partner is totally ruling and ruining my life. We have a beautiful, happy 1 year old girl who’s demanding and endearing presense gives me just enough emotional and positive energy to keep going.
As an empathetic and intelligent person, I have become a master of walking on eggshells, to the point where she has to pretty much make things up to give her a reason to rage at me for days.. I’m not going to detail her techniques, we’ve all heard enough of the insideous ways these people feed their black souls. Needless to say I am suffering greatly and regularly.
I used to stand my ground, I used to fight back, but given the lack of rules they fight by, i got my arse kicked. I now live in servitude, but not even that works. I see a “professional” regularly who marvels at my resilience and irrepressible nature. But he and I both know that this is killing me, and he has told me clearly that I will be a very sick man if I try and keep this up until my daughter is old enough to know what’s going on.
I am getting emotionally abused every day.
I am an amazing provider, a warm and loving father and partner.
I cook amazing food ( she wouldn’t accept anything less)
I find ways to fulfill her every need, even the expensive ones.
I listen.
And listen
And listen.
All it takes to refill my tanks is a couple of good things happening to me every week… but in this day and age, life is hard and one can go for weeks without “getting a break”.
So in closure, there is nothing I can actually do about this, except work my butt off, never get angry, be a slave, and savior my time with my little girl.
When i reach breaking point, I will carefully stand up for myself, she will leave with my little girl (again), I will continue to work and pay the rent on three family home and pay my child support, i will offer her and my girl a happy and safe second home…. and then she’ll negotiate her return (with clear terms that it was all my fault just like last time) and the cycle will continue.
If I miraculously make it to the point where my daughter clues in to what’s going on, then I make my escape, with the law on my side, part custody, etc etc.
anyway, I needed to get that out, I’m in the middle of a narc rage as we speak.
I swear here must be stacks of males out there just like me.
I really appreciate what you’ve written here.
Apologies for any spelling and disjointed sentences…. vodka really helps soften the pain ya know?
William
September 12, 2018 at 9:50 amYou’re not wrong, as a male I do feel very alone and trapped. All I ever wanted out of my entire life was a family of my own and loving companion to share it with. I thought I had finally found it…I gave her everything she said she wanted out of life, I got a better job, started dressing different, bought the $3000 engagement ring, bought a house, and had children and once her checklist was complete, she shut me out. She didn’t leave or kick me out, she shut me out. No more affection or kind words, constant criticism of everything I like or do, placing her job and friends over the family, drinking alone every night she isn’t working and getting mad if I so much as offer to join her….I’m cut off from all of my family who live out of state and all of my friends faded away as I had less and less time because she’s slowly slipped every home and parental responsibility off onto me. I work my forty plus hours, cook, clean, and take care of the kids and she only steps in when there is no other option and even then I suspect she sleeps most of the day.
I don’t mind doing everything, and to be honest I don’t mind being cut off from friends and family, as long as at the end of the day I have the one person that matters. I just wanted a companion, now I’m stuck here with her and scared to leave because we’re not married (five years engaged with no move to finalize). I can’t lose my kids! Every time I work up the press to leave her it’s like something new happens to keep me there. Her mother got cancer, her father wrote me into his will, she keeps spending all my money while hoarding her own….there are days when I wonder if I should just give up…I’m tired of fighting just to live a normal life. I miss being happy…
Joseph
August 20, 2018 at 11:18 amIt’s not enough for women to simply acknowledge that men can suffer narcissistic abuse – it’s nice, but it doesn’t do anything to change it. There should be more awareness throughout the medical community that when a man is withering away, isolating himself, losing his self worth, and finally breaking down to the point that his choices are reduced to therapy, or death… there’s the chance that the problem has to do with an abusive female partner.
I’ve spent the last 5 years in therapy for anxiety, depression, anger – you name it – and it wasn’t until I figured out what narcissism is, that I experienced the slightest amount of relief – the proverbial light bulb over the head. After years and years of hearing it, it’s shocking to suddenly realize that you may not be the cause of every bad thing that happens within your relationship. The instant payoff is realizing that you’re not really going insane and that there’s people out there going through the EXACT same thing you are, and guess what, they call it narcissistic personality disorder.
I’m disappointed in every therapist that didn’t even bother to question the idea of emotional abuse, rather, they did the same thing she does and focused all of their energy on what I was doing wrong to make my life miserable. Where was the conversation about me, for the last 7 years, sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my musty basement, eating out of a bar fridge, clothes folded by the wall on the floor – her taking over every room in the house so there’s no room for me, taking control of the bills, the bank accounts, the household, the children, the friends, the family, etc, and then endlessly bitching about everything else that she deems as lacking.
I wish that I had asked those critical questions, long ago. I just assumed that a therapist would figure it out for me – ask me about my home life and I would’ve spilled my guts right there and then – probably through a lot of uncontrolled male sobbing (which is never pretty). From my experience, the mental health system is completely oblivious the the fact that men can be victims of relationship abuse.
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2018 at 2:16 pmHi Joseph,
I’m sorry that you feel that it isn’t “enough” for women to acknowledge that men suffer narcissist abuse but I believe that acknowledgement IS a huge way to bring awareness to any cause. How else is reform supposed to begin? Narcissist abuse is hard for everyone – men and women alike – and we have to work as a team. The medical community barely recognizes the “narcissistic personality” in either sex and many therapists, psychologists, and counselors won’t even diagnose it in their patients or discuss it as a “real disorder” for the partner of this person. So women suffer the same problem there as men do. I speak with men every day who appreciate a female perspective being on their side (as I am) and it most certainly does help the situation. I wrote the letter of “apology” because I recognized the lack of support out there for the male victim. This is also why I wrote the book When Evil Is a Pretty Face about female narcissists. I hope you understand that the intention is to bring awareness to everyone. I simply wanted the guys to know that, at least on my website and through consultations, they should feel welcome and included.
Regards,
Zari
Walk
June 17, 2018 at 10:50 pmHI,
I’ve been in a relationship with a FN for the pass three years. I have showered her with gifts and many dinners and movies and trips. She has only given me two gifts and no cards. On the other hand I’ve always given her nicely wrapped gifts and special cards. She always seems to find something wrong with my gifts. They are too late or too early or not quite what she wants. Gifts cards are the best particularly if the cards are $400.00 or more. When we go to an expensive restaurant, she always finds something wrong. I failed to use valet service. The food is over cooked or under cooked or the service is too slow or the servers are not quick enough or smart enough. After a dinner costing several hundred dollars she’ll tell me that the other restaurant next door would have been much better. She is truly never happy. If I make any statement she doesn’t agree with and her feelings are hurt she goes silent and later tells me later that her feelings were so hurt and that I am mean. Then she can’t get enough of me. We’ll meet for breakfast and then go to a movie and then lunch and a walk on the beach and then dinner. This will go on for several days. The cost to me: breakfast $60.00; movie $33.00; lunch $115.00; dinner $225.00. She’ll often complain that I don’t want to see her. You get the idea. She keeps pushing to be married. Often pointing out the advantages. But complains that I’m selfish for not wanting to marry. She often flirts with male servers and she can’t understand why I’m upset with her. She often lies and when I’ve said something she’ll tell me the next day or week that the story if completely different. The worst thing is that she’s upset and she disappears for days on end and nothing is said. Then we get together and she acts as though nothing has happened. It’s like I’m from a different planet. Also, whatever happens, I’m never right. Never. Thanks for listening.
Walt
Tony
June 17, 2018 at 2:53 amThank you for this article. I was dropped kicked a year ago by my fn.
The depths of cruelties. The lies and distortions. Gaslighting. Twisting the knife.
She ended up exactly like her Narc dad, who routnily treated the women in his life, (including her mother) as cheap disposable items. The saddest part is realizing the absolute self hatred that she feels for herself. She ended up being a byproduct of a loveless union between a gifted Artist and a art critic.
She, my ex fn, calls herself, “Art royalty”. Truth be told; she is a traumatized little girl who witnessed orgies and lies while growing up.
I, (almost) feel sorry for her. I hope that she does not pass this disorder down to her daughter.
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2018 at 4:11 pmHi Tony!
I am glad you are a survivor because female narcs are the worst. As for feeling sorry for her, well…it would be one thing if she understood that what she does hurts others but the truth is that she doesn’t care…so why feel sorry? Don’t be so sure about her horrific upbringing because they all have that same story. I’m sure it wasn’t a good upbringing but it seems they all grew up around orgies. She’s not a traumatized little girl, she is an adult who knows right from wrong but simply doesn’t give a shit. Now, feeling sorry for the daughter is another story but you can’t do anything about that. Life is too short to be involved with a narc in any way. Be grateful that you are free…some drop-kicks are a very good thing!
Take care, brother….xo
Bill Alexander
June 14, 2018 at 2:11 pmI was a food source for a female narcissist for about a year I got out about four years ago and spent a lot of time, with a therapist, in understanding what happened My current situation is not dire, but I am beginning to see what I lost in deeper focus. Trust, self-confidence, energy and more. I still think of her, but only with compassion, rather than the blame and hatred I felt for a long time. What i’m interested iin exploring is what are common long terms side effects (as above) and what can be one about them. For the record I’m an alcoholic and drug addict. In one week, I will be 34 years clean and sober. I’ve worked a program hard and still go to meetings. I know what recovery is about. But this one still has me confused. Bill