Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Marcus
April 3, 2018 at 10:26 amWow! I have read article after article about how male narcissist take over and abuse the woman they have targeted. Not many at all about the narcissist female. I know myself there are really good, loving, faithful, relationship minded females.
The male takes a bad relationships and puts it on himself and must suck it up, change what is wrong with himself and moves on with out complaint. And does not tell his story for the fact that it was his fault. That is how I felt for the last 6 years that I and the narcissist female have been divorced. On top of that I received primary custody of our two daughters a year after the divorce. CPS wanted a no contact with her until she had gone to see and gotten help with all she was asked to by CPS. To this day she has not lifted a finger to help herself. I didn’t know what CPS was wanting her to do, I was just happy to get my daughters out of the mess they were in. To make a long story short. Yes it started out as a great relationship back in year 2000. She had a daughter from a previous relationship and took her in as my own when she asked me to be her father. She started calling me dad. I excitedly accepted to do just that. Mom was not pleased with that what so ever. I thought that the relationship was going great. Bought a house get married and planned on having children of Our Own. I thought that was what we both wanted. That was not in her plans. I built an addition in the house for the two more girls we had. Bought the suburban for their transportation needs. I bought a gas economic little car for the back and forth to work. After the 1st daughter (the little girl that wanted to call me dad) moved out to be with her boyfriend. All hell started breaking lose. She went through alcohol and drug addiction. Her family and I trying to get her help. Nothing in that department. It was all my fault that this was happening. I was abusive and emotionally destroying her. She had her family (the flying monkey) convinced that it was me bringing all this about. A restraining order did her job quite well. Her family and I was not putting the puzzle pieces together yet. A divorce and a year gone by. She fell victim to another man’s abusive behavior. Will somethings started adding up with her family now. They got together for a family meeting with out her. And things started to make since with them now. After having my daughters for a year. Listening to the stories of their hell, her family went to the no contact with her and started their recovery. I alowed her to see the girls on supervised visits a hand full of times. After all she is mom and I respected that. In a discussion with her after meeting for her to see the daughters, something snapped in me. The Light bolb gotten really bright. Lol started some research and figured out why CPS didn’t want us to be around her. I’m happy to say that the girls have went no contact with her for about a year now and are really improving on their happiness and out look on life, just being healthy girls. About 4 months ago I went no contact with her for the fact that I was hearing the same things over and over. How it was the family and I that was at fault and she could do no wrong to anyone.
I left a lot of details out to make this short and that I’m sure a lot of people,( you guys and gals) know what the family, my daughters and I went through.
Still a long recovery from something that took so little over a long period of time to destroy. Looking back with the reading and research I have done, I see the male and female narcissists in life that I have been friends with. I am so thankful that I or my daughters was not losing our minds and we are on the road back to healthiness.
Now that the reading and research has been done abut the male and female narcissists, the better half of the relationship can move on and spot the ugliness. To find a great person for a great relationship, and life to continue. I myself, is to the pint that I have to drag myself out of the hole and find women to converse with and start healthy relationship with. I had a couple of dates here and there. And one relationship that I sabotage, because I felt that I had not workout things in myself that caused the last severely damaged relationship and didn’t want to take my daughters down that path again. She was a good one. My point in this! now I know with the reading, research and remembering. I can start looking for that good female, woman to have a relationship with. There are good women out there. I still need a lot of help getting out of this hole and pretty sure that other good men that went through this feel the same.
Zari! thank you! This article hit home. I did a lot of reading about the male narcissist and just replaced the he for she in everything I read. The male narcissist is a little different in ways, but the basic of the narcissists are the same. The blame, flying monkeys, the poor me thing, the stealing of one’s self worth and it happens so little over a long period of time. Thank you again for there is good women and men there that have been through this and someone out there good for us.
Thank you. Marcus
Zari Ballard
April 9, 2018 at 3:04 amHi Marcus!
Thank you so much for sharing your story:) You’ve been to hell and back and back again….I love to hear from the guys because it offers a unique perspective on this horrible disorder. The female narc is so scandalous.
Of course there are great women and men out there ….I know this because I talk to hundreds of them and they’re all awesome. I guess you could say it’s my job to get y’all healed and back out there so you can meet up. lol Stay focused, brother, and it will happen! You sound like an amazing dad and I wish you the best in love and happiness for you and your girls:)
Zari xo
Mark
April 2, 2018 at 8:37 amI randomly met my lady (with her daughter) at a coffee shop a year ago. She was the most beautiful woman I had seen… Very quiet and somewhat shy single mother of two. Before I had left she had approached me asking about good neighbourhoods as she had just moved to town. The discussing led to me giving out my number. Things moved forward quickly to where she mentioned things were not moving fast enough. She asked about interests in marriage and adoption of kids by the second date. Fast forward and she dropped off when we were to spend a weekend together with her kids and family. She broke up with me soon after.
A month later she reached and asked me to go with her and her kids to a fair,of which I did. Things began to move forward but then the non-responses to texts and backing out of plans. She then asked me to come out for family photos of which I partook. She then expressed interest which confused me but I had developed significant interest again. We talked and she mentioned she was in a dating site but wanted to try again with me. Unfortunately she posted family pictures to her dating profile (ones without my face in them) Upon seeing the photos I called off any sort of follow up to furthering our relationship. She responded by saying she decided that she was calling it quits the day before (I think this was a control thing).
Unfortunately I struggled to stop thinking about her over the course of the five months because I really liked her and felt we had a strong connection. For the next five months there was no contact until she emailed me a random link. Two weeks later she did it again at which point I reached out. We began seeing each other again but we both mentored that we were dating but nothing serious. She came onto me again and this accelerated between us until I learned she was seeing an old friend she had grown up with. She made numerous claims that they were just friends until I very recently stopped by her place last Saturday afternoon . She was in unusually great spirits and get house was immaculate compared to its usual condition. Just after I arrived her “friend” walked in the door and I politely left. Later that evening I had dropped off some of the kids toys I had at her front door. Almost all of the lights in the house were off but his vehicle was still parked out front. I sent a strong message of my disappointment then blocked all communication avenues following. The funny part to me is that only the day before she was kissing me passionately and wanted to have sex only days before (which we didn’t )
I will say that I am hurt as it was recent but this will not have any effect on her. I do not expect to hear back from her although friends say otherwise. I know I am in a weak position currently because I certainly do not want to ensure such an up and down relationship again but there is an incredibly strong pull at the moment that if she showed up at my door that I may have difficulty not giving into an”explanation of things.”
I am open to any comments and suggestions.
Mark
Duane
March 29, 2018 at 8:57 amMy story is too long and i should have listened to my gut instinct. I was warned by everybody but paid no attention to them. I gave her a clean slate to draw out her own character with her actions. Instead of looking at just her actions i help paint by fixing this or that by making excuses for her behavior. Fuck her in the fucking face. Im tired of thinking about all i did for that selfish cunt. Hope she dies alone and misetable
Zari Ballard
April 2, 2018 at 5:44 pmI get it Duane. Chances are, unfortunately, that she won’t die alone and/or miserable but even she could, she wouldn’t know it! Their brains are wired differently and even with all the explaining that we did to get them to understand, they simply never will. If you can, read my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face because you will resonate with every page. You are not alone, brother, and I hope you know that:)
Zari
Dimitri
March 24, 2018 at 7:21 pmHello… My name is Dimitri and I suffer from a very high functioning form of autism (making me an easy and ideal manipulation target due to extreme loyalty and poor social skills) and I believe I’m currently the victim of a female narcissist. She’s played around with me for almost a year.. We met on tinder almost a year ago and she talked constantly to me, almost all day via text for about two weeks, and her interests were alarmingly similar to mine (I have very bizarre and unconventional interests so that made me feel extremely comfortable and attracted) and it was almost like having a female version of myself. She suggested that we meet up so I drove a pretty good distance and I just got on so well with her. I swear she sensed low self-esteem, trust issues, and a bunch of other issues that I have that she could use to her advantage. Over the next few weeks she strategically gained my trust (a difficult thing to do so I feel like she felt extremely rewarded when she finally got it) and got me to talk about all sorts of things and give away information that could be easily used for gaslighting later down the road. I was just MADLY infatuated with her and she first she reciprocated.. She had me telling her some very embarrassing facts about myself and traumatic experiences (ironically a few of being manipulated before). She told me she was an “open book” and felt like she could be completely vulnerable around me and was telling me (probably false) stories about similar experiences she was put through to further gain my trust. Then she started distancing herself. Making excuses like she was busy, etc. Fast forward a few weeks and she just cuts me off. I text and call and get nothing. Start wondering what I did wrong and completely lose it mentally as I had become dependent on her attention. Right as I get over her about A month later we start to talk again… And of course I come crawling back into her life asking what I did wrong. We get back to the usual routine of her grooming me up and then giving me the silent treatment a few times. I just got involved yet again… And finally figured out what she was doing. I find out she’s pitting some random guy on campus against me, showing him carefully manufactured words of mine from the last silent treatment to make me look like a crazy stalker (without my knowledge). So as I leave her dorm he approaches me and threatens me and told me to leave her alone or there would be problems… and then when I text her she claims HE’S her stalker, and he must have gotten jealous seeing me leave her dorm. I had a really bad feeling about this and eventually got her to admit she had NPD and was drawn to me because of some similar tendencies of AS and NPD and she thinks I can change her etc. And she goes on to list a few similar symptoms and say “see? We’re not that different.” but I have a really terrible feeling about what’s going to happen next… I found this article and it really resonated but I’m honestly fearful of whatever she has in store. I’m not sure what to do because she has information I can’t have spread about me and I know she can blackmail me. I can’t cut her off completely because I know she’ll gaslight me even more.. She’s gotten me to act in really irrational ways that I normally wouldn’t act. I trusted her with so much and I feel like a real idiot and I have no idea what to do from here. And nobody would ever believe my side because I’m a bit of an Eccentric estranged loner by nature and she’s an attractive woman who can easily play the victim and get tons of people on her side. I’m starting to see suicide as the only escape. I feel like she’s going to tear my whole life down soon, get me kicked from college and maybe even in legal trouble. She’s starting to make me feel as if I’ve lost my mind completely and I feel like I can’t trust my senses or feelings. I think back on everything that’s been said and done, that I thought nothing of at the time but when it’s put together right with her clever tricks makes me look absolutely horrible. Does anybody have any advice on what I can do from here? Do I inevitably have to suffer the final result of her discard? I’ve waltzed right into her trap and I feel helpless and stuck.
Zari Ballard
April 23, 2018 at 6:44 pmHi Dimitri,
I’m sorry that you have to go through this, I really am. Suicide is no option here! This girl is obviously a well polished narc for being so young and she has drawn you into her web. By the sound of your encounter with the other guy and the way she flipped it to make it sound like HE was the stalker, she knows her stuff. You have to know that any relationship with this girl is NOT sustainable. This may be sad, sure, but it is no reason to think about suicide. I understand that it feels comfortable to have someone “understand” your issues but she is doing this with bad intention. A narcissist, as you know, gets high off of the game of push/pull, seduce/discard and she/he can do this until the end of time if you allow it. Now, you are not the first one that has said that they’ve read that AS and NPD are similar and I completely disagree. Narcissism is about BEING EVIL and that’s ALL it is about. In my opinion, there can be absolutely no comparison between the two disorders! Please do not put yourself in that category and certainly do not allow HER to do it under the guise of “understanding each other”.
If you stay, you will be discarded at some point in time and it may even happen over and over again until you accept what she is and make your own getaway. Every silent treatment and distancing is a discard in my book albeit slight variations so for all intents and purposes, it has already happened to you. Don’t worry about blackmail or any bullshit threats because narcs, for the most part, are very unmotivated. They typically won’t take things THAT far because that would mean closing the door for good and they don’t like to do that. You need to go no contact and you have to do it being confident in the truth that you know. She is a narcissist and she will never change. She will always have the compulsion to deceive and will never treat anyone any better than she has treated you. I am so sorry that you walked into such a trap but you DO have the power to walk out. DON’T waste your time trying to change her and DO try to reign in on your own irrational behavior because at the end of the day, our suffering changes NOTHING. Please send me an update if you can. You can do this!
Zari:)
Larry Abruzzo
March 6, 2018 at 11:06 pmI enjoy reading from your site, I’m a male and evil is how i explained my ex narcissist. It’s been a horrible time but , I’ve been no contact but yet she’s in my head everyday…i would never be with her NEVER i just want her out of my head!!
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 8:45 pmLarry, that’s the attitude to have….the recovery comes with time. Don’t give into the feeling or even the THINKING. Distract yourself, postpone the image or sadness or emotion for 24 hours and then rinse and repeat, when you’re out in the world pretend all is well (because no one around you will know the difference). Keep your eye on the prize and one day you’ll realize that you got up and went the whole day without giving her much of a thought. You are re-training your brain back to normal…that’s all it is. And it WILL get there. Don’t give up and don’t give in and you will do just fine, brother!
Zari xo
John
March 1, 2018 at 1:18 pmI had met my narc when I was in high school. She was my best friend’s sister. I was totally smitten when I first saw her. I never thought of asking her out for 3 reasons: She was my best friend’s sister, she was preppy(I was a long haired rocker) and she was 19 and I was seventeen. Fast forward 23 years. She was married with 4 children. Her husband had a successful career at a commercial real estate company. I would see her around now and then because we had mutual friends in the area. One night at a restaurant, I saw her and began to talk to her about how I never had the nerve to approach her when I was in high school. As the night went on, she had a few too many drinks. I was concerned for her, so I offered to follow her home. As we pulled in her driveway, she jumped in my car and proceeded to kiss me passionately. I knew it was wrong, but I had such strong feelings for. We ended up having intercourse in my car, while her four children were in the house. I’m not sure where her husband was. We started an affair. I thought she really loved me. I was ok not being with her, because of her kids. They needed their parents. Several years later her husband was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away 2 years ago. Since then, she told me he was abusive to her. He had told her he would plant drugs in her car when she took her kids to school. He told her not to speak when they were out at company functions or with other couples. He left her plenty of money, so she and the children could be secure. So I assumed because of the length of time we were together she really loved me. Boy, was I wrong. She has a house in Florida and would go there during the winter months to escape the cold here. That’s when all of this started. She was hanging out with people who have boats and lots of money. And lots of plastic surgery. She cheated on me with some guy. I was devastated. I was always kind and compassionate because of the way her husband treated her. I took her back but my self esteem was rattled. I was going through some professional difficulties with a partnership I was in. So instead of being supportive, she acted like everything was my fault because I did NOT agree with one of my partners using his position to sleep with our underage employees. I left that situation and was not employed for a couple of months. Because of this, I couldn’t take her everywhere she wanted and do everything she wanted. She asked me this past summer to house sit for her when she went to the beach for a month. I discovered she was on a dating site. I called her and confronted her about it. She told me she was not with me and could do what she wanted. At that point I left the key to her house on the kitchen table and left. She sucked me back in, in the fall, sending me a text she was so sorry and wanted to be with me. Then the holidays came. Her kids come home from across the country and she will not acknowledge me to them. I guess because she cheated on their father with me. I could kind of understand that. But they are adults. So January rolls around and she leaves again. The night before she left, I had spent the night at her place, kissed her goodbye in the morning and went to work. I called her three weeks ago and she told me that she wanted nothing to do with me because “I don’t have a pot to piss in” and “she is accustomed to certain lifestyle that I couldn’t afford” and “she only used me for sex.” Wow. I was crushed. I doubted my worth and relevance in the world. Not being understand how someone I loved could do this to me, I started investigating why someone who tells you they love could do this. I found out. I’m on the road to recovery. She is still in Florida, but I’m sure when she gets back she will try to retaliate because I have gone total no contact. Stay strong people. Don’t give the narcs the power. And thank you, Zari. I appreciate the work you and others do. I would have never known of this if this didn’t happen to me. I’ll be more cautious in the future.
Peace and Happiness
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 10:51 pmWow…thank you, John:) Please come share here anytime and stick to that no contact. I’m sorry that it happened to you because I believe the guys suffer big time. However, I’m grateful that you found your way out of the darkness because you deserve so much better. Peace and happiness to you as well, brother…..
Michael
February 25, 2018 at 5:43 pmWhy did I not find this site 6 years ago?
Zari Ballard
March 3, 2018 at 5:17 pmBecause I’ve only been up for four! But I’m glad you’re here now:)….Zari