Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is never easy and the pain can linger with us for many weeks, months, and even years after if we allow it. The key is to NOT allow it and a recovery game I created called Postpone & Pretend is one surefire tool for doing this…for helping us get past the initial shock of the narcissist’s Discard…for helping us to recover in a faster, more proficient way than we ever imagined possible.
As we know, the first few days and weeks that follow a break-up with a narcissist are the worst and it is during this time that we are our most vulnerable. The narcissist knows this, of course, and this is why he/she usually leaves without saying a word, subjecting us to a God-awful silent treatment that basically cripples us. An N knows how much the silence hurts and uses it to keep us in a state of heightened anxiety so that we’ll actually wait for the narcissist’s return instead of doing the right thing and ending it once and for all. If we could only maintain our strength during those first days of a “break-up”, it might change everything relative to how we behave when he resurfaces. By wallowing in our misery, we inadvertently participate in the narcissist’s game instead of helping ourselves out of the mess.
In normal relationships, although a break-up is always sad, the devastation is just a fraction of what it is when the other partner has a narcissistic personality. When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park! The pain of the break-up is so very different with an N because of the level of betrayal and the depth of the deception that occurred leading up to the separation. Unless a person has experienced it, they can never understand it and this fact alone can isolate us. It’s nothing less than a ferocious type of abuse that sometimes even we can’t describe!
Having said all that, the key to a speedy and meaningful recovery is to get back up and going as swiftly as possible after the narcissist leaves us and this is where the game of Postpone & Pretend comes in. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the pain but the truth is that the narcissist has left us so many times before that perhaps THIS time we should consider that pain-feeling time already complete and get up NOW. I mean, it makes sense, right? How many times have we wasted the first days, weeks, and months crying into a pillow day in and day out only to take him back yet again because we hadn’t even begun to heal. Perhaps if we had begun to heal, we wouldn’t be so quick to succumb to his/her bullshit. It’s time to postpone the pain and pretend life is wonderful. It’s time to get the fuck up and going!
If you feel so sad that you find it hard to get through the day, do this the very first thing the next morning: when you open your eyes, promise yourself that you will postpone the pain for 24 hours. Just do it. Make the commitment before you even get out of bed. After all, there’s always tomorrow for being sad all day if that’s what you choose to do. For today, you’ve got too much to do and there’s simply no time to be sad over this jerk. I found that it’s much easier to snap out of a depression when you know that you have all day tomorrow to cater to it. So simply postpone it. That’s Step 1!
Next, since your sadness is postponed and life is going to go on for at least 24 hours, you might as well pretend that all is well. You don’t need to talk about what happened with anyone who’ll listen because it’s nobody’s business. Besides, its’ likely that family, friends, and co-workers have heard your story before and have tired of it. Act as if you’re doing just fine – pretend, pretend, pretend! Go about your business and when you feel the twinge of tears coming, push that thought out of your head because there’s always tomorrow. That’s Step 2! Now, when tomorrow comes, rinse and repeat – over and over and over. My little game of Postpone & Pretend helped to save my life. Not only did it save me from days and days of heartache, it allowed me the mental clarity to say “Fuck this!” to the narcissist’s tactics to control me. It eliminates the relationship amnesia we get right after the break-up when all we remember are the good things (which were fake anyway, don’t forget). It skips all that! When we postpone the sadness, we automatically eliminate all the junk that goes with it – the ruminating, the temptation to call or text or drive-by, the feeling of being distracted 24/7, the worry about what this person is doing now that they’re gone…all of that.
Playing the game boosts our confidence and puts a skip in our step. Each morning, when we wake up and commit ourselves to keeping it happy for the next 24, we get a big part of our power back. The goal is to keep the feeling going…to keep postponing and pretending until you don’t have to consciously do it anymore. I promise you that relief from that anxious feeling will happen faster than you think. Combine this game with a No Contact strategy and you’ll be a winner for sure.
Look, recovery from narcissist abuse isn’t easy which means that it’s going to take some concentrated effort on your part. My little game saved my ass because it forced me to take baby steps one day at a time. I didn’t have to think ahead a week or a month and wonder how the hell I was going to get through it. I only had to wait for 24 hours and then I did it again. Rinse and repeat, postpone and pretend and get your life back. I did it and so can you. Even if it sounds simple or silly, give it a shot…you have nothing to lose and lifetime to regain if it works.
Stay strong and stay the course, sisters and brothers!
Rosie
April 11, 2018 at 4:43 pmMinnie, I feel the same, I have been beaten so many times over the xmas period, I had to call the police to get me out of there, I could have died so many times and yet I feel the same. He has now let me know he has met someone 20 years younger than me and I can’t stop crying.. I should be glad, but i feel lonely, bored. Just feel so low.
sam
January 11, 2018 at 7:08 amplease help me I don’t know how to cope anymore he has final broken me I cant stop shaking hes gone to another woman again and we have a son and its just so upsetting I cant live like this anymore I have no more strength to keep him out of my head he adores his son and his son adores him but I cant live in this way anymore we co parent and its become impossible especially as we still had sex and maybe I had hope of reconciliation and now ive found hes texting another woman from work I don’t no what to do I don’t no how to be strong
Zari Ballard
January 20, 2018 at 6:47 pmHi Sam,
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. It appears that many are stuck in the booty call mode with these jerks right now. I did it too but it’s just not worth it. They are not connected to us like we are to them and they never will be. When we know that they are always up to no good, how can we realistically keep going with that? Don’t settle for his bullshit. He will not change…it just doesn’t happen. Once again, I have to tell you there is no easy fix…but it is absolutely possible to break free. You can be strong. Consider booking some talk time with me to work out a strategy for leaving that won’t feel so overwhelming. You need someone on your side and I’m willing to do that. In the meantime, keep reading and learning. So many thousands of stories under the articles exist on this site alone. Everybody hurts when they love narcissistic people but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Don’t waste the one life that you’ve been given. You know what you have to do, you just need a little guidance that’s all, sister….
Zari xo
Rob
November 13, 2017 at 2:14 pmi ran into an old friend i knew when i was 12 . he was 14 then– we didn’t have much contact and he moved to another state when he turned 21 .. anyhow 40 years later and was visiting here because of death in his family. i happened to run into him as i was in the middle of my divorce – we spent 5 days of bliss together and when i took him to the airport we both cried. he texted and called me everyday when he got home – told me to give my husband everything in the divorce –he wanted to take care of me — i was beautiful – perfect. he was my knight in shinning armor … he is wealthy and lives in a very attractive place and this made it all the more appealing and in those 5 day i never felt anything so wonderful. I waited 3 weeks and i couldn’t stand it. I gave my husband my house – all the money in the bank – quit my well paying NEW job. I left my family and i hoped on that plane. I had a couple of friends who were there already so i went with it. he told me to look for a house there – showered me with gifts and we spent a week at a resort and then when to his house where I was i slowly driven insane. he wouldn’t touch me – he left me home alone while he went out to dinner supposedly alone. took the car from me and treated me so badly i thought i was going to die. he was texting women –meeting them — doing drugs with them and everything he said he would never do he did to me — i mean he made me a list of things he wouldn’t do and then when i got there purposely did each thing to me. it was crazy and i cried and i tried so hard to please that man every day. some how i thought i was in love with him….then in 3 months he sent home – penniless — no house — no job– no nothing. i thought i was going to die –a year later he is still torturing me from 6000 miles away but reading all this i am done. i only hope i can stay away — what makes a person want someone who treats them so badly. my mother even passed and he didnt give a damn – “gee that’s too bad can you help me with something”. i should have know – he is 58 yrs old – never married – longest relationship 2 years – no kids – no family in where he lives — no friends….and his family did try to warned me. they don’t visit him or want anything to do with him ….what an idiot i am and was. i could say so much more but you all get the point. i am devastated….
Lisa Johnson
August 19, 2017 at 8:00 amI am 52, i was married for 29 years to a man that told me i was controlling and gaslighted me. He left me for another women, but continued to try to control me up until i asked the police to step in and tell him to stop harassing me. It worked.
6 months or so after my then husband left I met N on a dating site, he was tall, lovely looking, funny and promised me a trip to paris on our first date, said he loved me on our second date. Bombarded me with loving texts and phone calls and begged me to go to him when ever i finished work. Then a text one morning saying sorry , i dont want a relationship, this i now know was the frist test, to see how far he could push me. he wouldnt reply to my calls or texts, so i went to his, with what few bits he had at mine. The trap was set and i fell into it …3 years later, i have a whole string of texts messages telling me he loves me to telling me that he knows i sleep with my friends, ( i dont ) that i have an incestiouse realtionship with my son ( he never said sorry ) saying he doesnt trust me, telling me i am thick ( i am not ), then telling me i have a beautiful body .( its average ) now most normal souls would run a mile , But not us, not me or any of the people above, because i now know we have been trained, as i read bebrave65 story, part of me is saying, why on earth would you put up with that, but most of me is nodding and knowing , we do, we did , but we wont. As for Jannike, you are so young , you will be ok ,i guess we have to remember, if we meet someone and he/she seems perfect , keep a check, just for a while , i am going to do the pretend and postpone , for now and for as long as it takes. And in a years time when i sell my house , which is when i think he will pop back up because he will know i have a sum of money to spend , i will buy a campervan and travel around europe , and just be me , after 33 years of abuse from certain kinds of men … good luck
Zari Ballard
September 28, 2017 at 2:50 pmHi Lisa,
I apologize for taking so long to respond to your text. The funny thing is just this morning I was lying in bed watching YouTube videos on my phone about transforming my truck into a campervan. I hope that you get to do that! Take your campervan and travel around Europe and just LIVE LIFE with no outside interference from narcissistic predators. Make your dream a reality…no one can do that (or take it from you) but yourself. In that, we really do have complete control.
Zari xo
kathykicksit
April 13, 2017 at 9:47 pmwell I was dating a woman and she had these rage attacks. i was afraid alot of the time, she could be very charismatic and was a great pretender. she wouldn’t let me post on facebook without reading it first and correcting it. she was off and on as well.
Jami
April 11, 2017 at 3:56 pmI’m glad to see the awareness everywhere about this. I have severe PTSD from my ex-husband and was put on disability after the divorce. I was crippled as a person in every way. No one understands unless they’ve been there. There was never any cheating, that would’ve been an easy thing to deal with compared to the rest; not to minimize it for others. But you can’t prove emotional and psychological abuse in court and the perpetrators know that. Usually the victim is the one who looks unstable in court which allows even more abuse to occur and the cycle keeps going. I’ve been lucky in some ways that I’ve had a judge who sees through most of it. It’s worse when you have children because they have something you love that they will try to take from you as the ultimate revenge. I’ve thought of writing a book about my experience, but still 7 years after the divorce struggle to get it on paper. I know I would have recovered by now if I didn’t still have to have him in my life. Be careful who you have children with, men and women; although I never would have thought that anything like I experienced would happen when I married him. Best advice I’ve seen is do everything you can to re-write your life and ask for help. I’ve found many guardian angels along the way.
Emi Lou
August 14, 2017 at 12:48 pmI’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’ve been through nothing compared to you, but I seem to attract them.
Zari Ballard
August 18, 2017 at 4:26 pmHi Jami,
When we’re with narcs, it seems our lives are all but interchangeable. And you only attract them because they see the good in you and feel that it would be beneficial either right then or down the road. Parasites are what they are and this is why we must keep to our boundaries (make them and understand what they are to you and why). In this life, it is our only protection…
Zari 🙂
Minnie
February 11, 2017 at 3:04 pmI keep fantasizing about regret, or an apology. I know it will come it always does. I don’t like this man on a character level at all. Why do i feel jealousy of the others? I feel jealous they know how to behave how he likes. But i always thought he respected the fact he couldn’t control me. He seems to fit narcissism. But at the same time he is sad and damaged from childhood. I want to stop worrying about winning. Why do i care. Am i a narcissist? Lol i don’t honestly think i am. But why can’t i walk away with my head up? The guy is a drug and sex addict who didn’t straighten up even when he lost his family. He’s a loser. Why do i care what he thinks??
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2017 at 5:18 pmWE may THINK he’s sad and damaged from childhood but, believe me, he doesn’t FEEL that…he just likes it to appear that way. Every narcissist has a story about his childhood and they use it to gain our sympathy. And as far as winning, there’s so much to say about that. Breaking away mentally is a process and it takes time. It’s all about changing your perspective by accepting a few very simple things. Consider booking some time with me so that we can talk about it. There’s a way of looking at your jealousy and realizing that you’re worrying and ruminating on things that he’s already done. We worry about things that he’s doing with others but he’s already done it and nothing changes. He doesn’t care about anybody! And we all do wonder if we’re narcissists but of course we’re not – just the fact that we worry about it is proof of that! Our suffering changes nothing, girl. You’ve got to re-train your brain back to normal. YOU can do this…it sometimes takes a little guidence from someone who’s been there, done that.
Stay strong!
Zari xo