Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is never easy and the pain can linger with us for many weeks, months, and even years after if we allow it. The key is to NOT allow it and a recovery game I created called Postpone & Pretend is one surefire tool for doing this…for helping us get past the initial shock of the narcissist’s Discard…for helping us to recover in a faster, more proficient way than we ever imagined possible.
As we know, the first few days and weeks that follow a break-up with a narcissist are the worst and it is during this time that we are our most vulnerable. The narcissist knows this, of course, and this is why he/she usually leaves without saying a word, subjecting us to a God-awful silent treatment that basically cripples us. An N knows how much the silence hurts and uses it to keep us in a state of heightened anxiety so that we’ll actually wait for the narcissist’s return instead of doing the right thing and ending it once and for all. If we could only maintain our strength during those first days of a “break-up”, it might change everything relative to how we behave when he resurfaces. By wallowing in our misery, we inadvertently participate in the narcissist’s game instead of helping ourselves out of the mess.
In normal relationships, although a break-up is always sad, the devastation is just a fraction of what it is when the other partner has a narcissistic personality. When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park! The pain of the break-up is so very different with an N because of the level of betrayal and the depth of the deception that occurred leading up to the separation. Unless a person has experienced it, they can never understand it and this fact alone can isolate us. It’s nothing less than a ferocious type of abuse that sometimes even we can’t describe!
Having said all that, the key to a speedy and meaningful recovery is to get back up and going as swiftly as possible after the narcissist leaves us and this is where the game of Postpone & Pretend comes in. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the pain but the truth is that the narcissist has left us so many times before that perhaps THIS time we should consider that pain-feeling time already complete and get up NOW. I mean, it makes sense, right? How many times have we wasted the first days, weeks, and months crying into a pillow day in and day out only to take him back yet again because we hadn’t even begun to heal. Perhaps if we had begun to heal, we wouldn’t be so quick to succumb to his/her bullshit. It’s time to postpone the pain and pretend life is wonderful. It’s time to get the fuck up and going!
If you feel so sad that you find it hard to get through the day, do this the very first thing the next morning: when you open your eyes, promise yourself that you will postpone the pain for 24 hours. Just do it. Make the commitment before you even get out of bed. After all, there’s always tomorrow for being sad all day if that’s what you choose to do. For today, you’ve got too much to do and there’s simply no time to be sad over this jerk. I found that it’s much easier to snap out of a depression when you know that you have all day tomorrow to cater to it. So simply postpone it. That’s Step 1!
Next, since your sadness is postponed and life is going to go on for at least 24 hours, you might as well pretend that all is well. You don’t need to talk about what happened with anyone who’ll listen because it’s nobody’s business. Besides, its’ likely that family, friends, and co-workers have heard your story before and have tired of it. Act as if you’re doing just fine – pretend, pretend, pretend! Go about your business and when you feel the twinge of tears coming, push that thought out of your head because there’s always tomorrow. That’s Step 2! Now, when tomorrow comes, rinse and repeat – over and over and over. My little game of Postpone & Pretend helped to save my life. Not only did it save me from days and days of heartache, it allowed me the mental clarity to say “Fuck this!” to the narcissist’s tactics to control me. It eliminates the relationship amnesia we get right after the break-up when all we remember are the good things (which were fake anyway, don’t forget). It skips all that! When we postpone the sadness, we automatically eliminate all the junk that goes with it – the ruminating, the temptation to call or text or drive-by, the feeling of being distracted 24/7, the worry about what this person is doing now that they’re gone…all of that.
Playing the game boosts our confidence and puts a skip in our step. Each morning, when we wake up and commit ourselves to keeping it happy for the next 24, we get a big part of our power back. The goal is to keep the feeling going…to keep postponing and pretending until you don’t have to consciously do it anymore. I promise you that relief from that anxious feeling will happen faster than you think. Combine this game with a No Contact strategy and you’ll be a winner for sure.
Look, recovery from narcissist abuse isn’t easy which means that it’s going to take some concentrated effort on your part. My little game saved my ass because it forced me to take baby steps one day at a time. I didn’t have to think ahead a week or a month and wonder how the hell I was going to get through it. I only had to wait for 24 hours and then I did it again. Rinse and repeat, postpone and pretend and get your life back. I did it and so can you. Even if it sounds simple or silly, give it a shot…you have nothing to lose and lifetime to regain if it works.
Stay strong and stay the course, sisters and brothers!
April
November 1, 2016 at 8:10 amThanks for the article. No doubt my ex boyfriend is a narcissist. Almost six years of my life wasted on him…complete lies. He had a job traveling & didn’t live in the same state but within a 2 hour drive. At first he was so charming…I would see him everyday almost. After the first year, it started dwindling a little. I would catch him in a lie, but he was so good at lying that he would lie his way out again. When I look back, I am amazed that I believed a word he ever said. I knew the relationship was unhealthy because it was a constant roller coaster ride..we would breakup & then he would suck me in with all his words..pay attention to actions! Good lesson learned for me. He was ex military so he had told me that the courthouse would not show his records. I called to see if there were divorce papers & found none. I fell for his excuse. Could never find a # to contact his (ex?) spouse. He didn’t like facebook & constantly complained & now I know why. He was very jealous in the beginning until he basically had me avoiding every male I ever knew. But I began to realize it was a control mechanism & started back greeting all the people I knew no matter what sex they were. I was an extrovert with a lot of friends of both sexes. In his mind he had to change that immediately. He had to keep me on cloud 9 & couldn’t have any one interring with that. In the beginning, I walked on cloud 9….for a year. All I could think about during the relationship was if we could only get that feeling back. I worked hard towards it…he not so much. It wasn’t until 5 months ago, that everything changed. A woman contacted me. Apparently she had been with him for 2 years. Engaged but he took the ring back. At first she just wanted to talk but then she became very hateful towards me like it was my fault. I didn’t even know about her. Like a dummy I believed his lies. How she was nothing. How he only gave her the ring because he regretted not giving me one. At the time when he met her, I had broken up with him for 3 months. I had found out that his divorce was just in the middle of the process after thinking he was divorced for 6 years already. After three months, I missed him so much. No one else seemed to measure up. I took him back. He swore he had not met anyone, but like I said this was when he had met the girl that contacted me. Funny thing is that she had two kids around the same age as mine both boy & girl who enjoyed the same sports. She was recently divorced. It was like he was mimicking what he had looked for in me. Another characteristic of a narcissist. The triangle seemed to carry on for a few weeks with him lying to the both of us. Then I blocked him for 6 wks. He started emailing over & over. I thought we could just be friends but I wasn’t strong enough to say no to the physical connection. They are all great in that area too! But I was proud of myself because I never let him spend the night & I kept him a secret from everyone. This bothered him a lot. He was losing control. Also, going back to when I broke up with him 2 years ago. We had looked at several houses together with the promise of marriage from him. After realizing he wasn’t serious, I bought my own home. This took his control as well. He couldn’t dangle that like a carrot. He had tried to get me to move for him. That was his trying to take away my financial control. He could never get that from me. Don’t get me wrong. There were areas he couldn’t break me down in, but for the most part he tore me apart. He is now blocked. I have started a journal writing down how I feel. I read somewhere where that’s a way to communicate in your mind to him without actually contacting him. So far it’s allowed me to get a lot of my feelings out. I look back & realize now that everything was a lie. I mean everything. That’s the hardest part I think. To have loved someone who was such a fake. People ask me if I think he is still with her (the one of two years). I say I don’t care. Just like I told him. Marry her…let her live with it. I’m out! I know my worth. Now I just have to stop comparing every guy I meet to the feeling I had when I first met him because it was fake. That’s the hardest part I think. Also, looking back, he knew a lot about the Ashley Madison website when all that hit the news a few years ago. I had never even heard of the website. He would also mention that he thought it was pathetic for a man to be on a dating site & how he would never do that. He would say his team of guys would get on match & line dates up depending on where they were traveling that week. This was him. He was the one on Ashley Madison & he was the one on match. I don’t know this for sure because I never took the time nor would I pay the money to try to track him down. Some things are just better not being known. He had taken me to Florida a few times & showed me this really nice house that was for sale. He said he had owned it but was selling it because he knew I wouldn’t move there.. Guess what..no previous property owned by him in that county. He can’t even answer a simple question honestly like what year is your boat? He made it seem like it was practically brand new which it did look that way. His paperwork showed it was a 2011. I mean seriously?!? No reason to lie. But everything has to be big & great in his eyes. I also found out from a guy friend in the gym that he had told him he had a son that was a college quarterback. Lie Lie Lie….everything that he would say about the QB to this other guy was stuff he got off of the news. They shared the same last name so he decided to again make himself look so much better. My mind has been blown because I have never encountered someone like this but you better believe I will be paying closer attention to everyone I meet in my future. We can all get past these monsters. You just have to take back the control…block them!!! And move on with your life!
Zari Ballard
November 8, 2016 at 2:24 pmHi April,
Always remember that a narcissist will lie even when the truth is a better story! Mine used to do it all the time. If they lies about everything, it becomes harder and harder for us to tell the truth from the lies and this is the intention. Keep reading at this site and others like it because knowledge is power. It is a very bizarre experience and unless a person has actually been involved with a narc, they can never understand. We’re here to support you:)
Zari xo
Louie
October 26, 2016 at 11:06 amThis is GOOD. I am losing sleep and I am distracted from true living.
I am afraid if I keep this up, I’m gonna mess up something important in my life.
He was a no count lug. A sorry ass. Not worth my life.
Zari Ballard
October 28, 2016 at 5:31 pmHi Louie,
Yes, postpone and pretend. If you keep it up, one day you just wake up and go through your day and, later, realize you didn’t even have to remind yourself. It works!
Zari xo
Rys
August 24, 2016 at 4:40 pmI have come to realization that I have been with an N. I feel silly that it took me so long to figure it out, after he had me exactly like my other ex did, the difference is im older now so I considered this relationship much more “serious”. We got together early last year and he was the sweetest guy ever, almost perfect, I wasn’t into him much in the beginning but he was so charming…….. i fell head over heels….. Later on in the year I heard a rumor about a girl he claimed to be his cousin, i even messaged her because at that point we were already living together, (ive never lived with anyone before so it felt special) she blocked me and never responded….. At that time he lived by me… I used to try and help out his living situation because his family treats him bad or whatever plus he complained how depressed he was about his living conditions as it was poor and in the countryside, but I don’t care about material things so i thought it would be beneficial for him to move into my house with me…..
The girl he claimed was his cousin was not, she actually lived a street away from me and after digging up I found out he lied about where he went and he was going by her… Obvious reasons we broke up… but he let me go very easily, like I was nothing…
not long after we broke up they got in a relationship and he posted pictures of her everywhere, he is a new photographer as well so he used to tell me I am too insecure when I also use cameras in my line of work and he deliberately kept me away from his shoots, that used to hurt, because I have been in this business longer than him.
So about 2 months ago we ended up reconnecting, i was still in the process of grieving for this man……. I still loved him… so he told me how unhappy he was blah blah blah, parts of his house broke down etc so I invited him to move back with me………
The arguments were always nasty, horrible name calling, cursing, physical fights, the arguments became too much and everything seemed like “my fault” so he left again….
I found out he has been talking to some girl in Denmark who has “been around before me” according to her, they never met, but after i confronted her he showed up by my place to tell me i am evil and that she slit her wrists, apparently her mother called him cussing etc.. not like i give a damn but it hurt that he would defend the “other woman”…..
I told him well go to f*king denmark and stitch it up for her since she was real and i was not… I feel emotionally drained, broken and discarded.
Currently picked up working out and looking for ways to upgrade myself…
Thanks for the advice, I will try because it has been hard….
Cindy
August 22, 2016 at 10:48 amWell Zari,
I am 11 weeks NO CONTACT with him, his family and our friends. Honestly, the most difficult moments I have had are my thoughts of him, us and my life in the throws of many past Narcs including my mom. I have gone from crying for 12 hours nonstop for days to maybe 3 minute cries a few times a week.
I finished the workbook in a week and have recently reread what I have written. Great reminders of the reality of the Great Lie, my life with him. I have come to the realization that it was I who brought all the love, understanding, compassion, empathy, compromise, physical intimacy and commitment to my six years with him.
My friend recently ran into him trolling for new source at our local Starbucks…nothing changes if nothing changes.
My cancer blood work is now stable however, it has seen fit to progress into blood, bone marrow, spleen, liver and now a lymph node. My cortisol levels are way to high and now I am recovering from the shingles. I’m so fatigued from the viral overload but sleep is good. The remainder of my hormonal system is on the mend and I feel pretty good most of the time.
Please folks, the stress from being with an N does cause various illnesses. Protect yourselves. Breathe and meditate.
Zara, thank you!
Many Blessings,
Cindy
PS. I made a poster to hang in my home…Postpone Pretend Rinse Repeat Postpone Pretend.
Zari Ballard
September 5, 2016 at 5:38 pmThank you, Cindy! I love the poster idea! You’re on the right track, girl. All you need are the reminders now to validate that you are on your way to complete freedom and physical recovery. Maybe now that you’ve removed the cancer HOST, the others will fad out. I’m putting white light all around you, sister….I hope you find all the happiness that you deserve:)
Zari xoxox
Deanne
June 21, 2016 at 6:41 amI am currently in the Postpone & Pretend phase. It’s been about 2 weeks since we have seen each other. Our relationship was where sex was used to control and withheld for obedience and understanding to the fact he other women on the side. Everything I used to tell him about what he did to me or made me feel, he would flip it and tell it to me zs if he was the victim of these acts he hurt me so badly behind. It was so frustrating and I felt like nothing at times. I would feel weak and pathetic everytime I let him back in. I got to a point when he gave mew silent treatment because I went out of town for family reunion without him. I used that as my start to the No contact strategy seeing as how he wasn’t talking to me anyway, I had no way to contact lol!! I will say it hurt at first but not as bad as submitting and repeating again. To anyone going through this, believe me when I say, it gets better with each day. Today Im taking my daughter to the park, not his btw lol, just to get out of the house to keep this going. But never forget, the narcissist will try to get you back when you finally grow a pair and show him he can fuck off. He will text, call, pop up..when that doesn’t work he will email and leave notes in mailbox. I know, currently dealing with this. Be strong and don’t give in. I wanna do him so bad too..tmi i know..but that is what i miss the most which is how he used it against me. It gets better. And anyone that wants to talk feel free to email me since I am experiencing this at level 8 on scale of 1-10. And to the author, thank you so much for this and your book. You have helped me commit to this in ways I probably wouldn’t have. You have my undying appreciation!!!
Renee
July 27, 2016 at 11:34 amDeanne,
I know, and understand. Me too. I’m so sorry this happened to you and everyone else who is out there hurting like us. but remember- we have the ability to have happy, healthy futures, while they do not. As Zari mentioned- they actually haven’t changed- and they have to live with themselves and the way they are, they are not actually ‘happy.” The knowledge of that fact, along with the postpone and pretend tactic, helps me alot. i think were meant to be loving, happy beings and for myself, when I feel anger, resentment and bitterness (normal reactions, btw!) it brings my energy vibration down, it’s like there is a dark cloud around me that my environment reacts to. I find that when I can be in a mood of compassion and love, it brings me to a happier, better state. it is so HARD to do, after the horrible ways we were treated- but it has nothing to do with whether my ex deserves forgiveness, I DO deserve to forgive and be compassionate because it helps me be happier, if that makes sense? But I have to do it several times a day still. We all deserve to be happy.
Erin
November 6, 2016 at 7:35 pmCurious to know how it’s going .. it’s been a day and I feel anxious for him to text me .. we broke up once before .. and I didn’t care then . He contacted me after 3 months . This Time around I do. I don’t know why .. my self esteem and health have gotten low probably ! So day one . ! Help ?
D
June 2, 2016 at 2:30 amThank u so much for this ❤ good to know ur not alone..
Steph
May 25, 2016 at 6:53 pmZari & all her website info has been my saving grace…I read it all & many times to just to keep my own self-worth & sanity…as she says, “a narissist break up is one of the worst…and all so true…if you’re researching & reading all the info available…you’ve met ur N match…it’s the most unbearable pain, but, we have to get through this…looking so forward to having my Zari consultation..I feel down deep in my gut & self, this will help me move forward & find some piece of mind
Zari Ballard
May 29, 2016 at 1:36 amHi Steph,
I look forward to talking with you on Tuesday:) Help is on the way…
Zari xo