Getting over a relationship with a narcissist is never easy and the pain can linger with us for many weeks, months, and even years after if we allow it. The key is to NOT allow it and a recovery game I created called Postpone & Pretend is one surefire tool for doing this…for helping us get past the initial shock of the narcissist’s Discard…for helping us to recover in a faster, more proficient way than we ever imagined possible.
As we know, the first few days and weeks that follow a break-up with a narcissist are the worst and it is during this time that we are our most vulnerable. The narcissist knows this, of course, and this is why he/she usually leaves without saying a word, subjecting us to a God-awful silent treatment that basically cripples us. An N knows how much the silence hurts and uses it to keep us in a state of heightened anxiety so that we’ll actually wait for the narcissist’s return instead of doing the right thing and ending it once and for all. If we could only maintain our strength during those first days of a “break-up”, it might change everything relative to how we behave when he resurfaces. By wallowing in our misery, we inadvertently participate in the narcissist’s game instead of helping ourselves out of the mess.
In normal relationships, although a break-up is always sad, the devastation is just a fraction of what it is when the other partner has a narcissistic personality. When I look back on how sad I felt in relationships that ended in my life before the narcissist, I remember feeling that I would never recover and I can’t even believe that now. Those break-ups were a walk in the park! The pain of the break-up is so very different with an N because of the level of betrayal and the depth of the deception that occurred leading up to the separation. Unless a person has experienced it, they can never understand it and this fact alone can isolate us. It’s nothing less than a ferocious type of abuse that sometimes even we can’t describe!
Having said all that, the key to a speedy and meaningful recovery is to get back up and going as swiftly as possible after the narcissist leaves us and this is where the game of Postpone & Pretend comes in. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the pain but the truth is that the narcissist has left us so many times before that perhaps THIS time we should consider that pain-feeling time already complete and get up NOW. I mean, it makes sense, right? How many times have we wasted the first days, weeks, and months crying into a pillow day in and day out only to take him back yet again because we hadn’t even begun to heal. Perhaps if we had begun to heal, we wouldn’t be so quick to succumb to his/her bullshit. It’s time to postpone the pain and pretend life is wonderful. It’s time to get the fuck up and going!
If you feel so sad that you find it hard to get through the day, do this the very first thing the next morning: when you open your eyes, promise yourself that you will postpone the pain for 24 hours. Just do it. Make the commitment before you even get out of bed. After all, there’s always tomorrow for being sad all day if that’s what you choose to do. For today, you’ve got too much to do and there’s simply no time to be sad over this jerk. I found that it’s much easier to snap out of a depression when you know that you have all day tomorrow to cater to it. So simply postpone it. That’s Step 1!
Next, since your sadness is postponed and life is going to go on for at least 24 hours, you might as well pretend that all is well. You don’t need to talk about what happened with anyone who’ll listen because it’s nobody’s business. Besides, its’ likely that family, friends, and co-workers have heard your story before and have tired of it. Act as if you’re doing just fine – pretend, pretend, pretend! Go about your business and when you feel the twinge of tears coming, push that thought out of your head because there’s always tomorrow. That’s Step 2! Now, when tomorrow comes, rinse and repeat – over and over and over. My little game of Postpone & Pretend helped to save my life. Not only did it save me from days and days of heartache, it allowed me the mental clarity to say “Fuck this!” to the narcissist’s tactics to control me. It eliminates the relationship amnesia we get right after the break-up when all we remember are the good things (which were fake anyway, don’t forget). It skips all that! When we postpone the sadness, we automatically eliminate all the junk that goes with it – the ruminating, the temptation to call or text or drive-by, the feeling of being distracted 24/7, the worry about what this person is doing now that they’re gone…all of that.
Playing the game boosts our confidence and puts a skip in our step. Each morning, when we wake up and commit ourselves to keeping it happy for the next 24, we get a big part of our power back. The goal is to keep the feeling going…to keep postponing and pretending until you don’t have to consciously do it anymore. I promise you that relief from that anxious feeling will happen faster than you think. Combine this game with a No Contact strategy and you’ll be a winner for sure.
Look, recovery from narcissist abuse isn’t easy which means that it’s going to take some concentrated effort on your part. My little game saved my ass because it forced me to take baby steps one day at a time. I didn’t have to think ahead a week or a month and wonder how the hell I was going to get through it. I only had to wait for 24 hours and then I did it again. Rinse and repeat, postpone and pretend and get your life back. I did it and so can you. Even if it sounds simple or silly, give it a shot…you have nothing to lose and lifetime to regain if it works.
Stay strong and stay the course, sisters and brothers!
bebrave65
January 24, 2017 at 10:50 amI have read so many books in the last 3 months but I have to say your books helped the most. Our stories are very similar. I just found this site and I feel the past 5 years with my ex husband N was like living a nightmare.
We met on a dating site. I used to be a firm believer in always trying to see the best in everybody. I was a true empath and very lonely after a 27 year marriage collapsed due to spousal physical abuse. I had no idea what was in store for me the second time around.
I dated for 6 months during my divorce. This guy was psychopath. I looked up the traits. He told me I was his soulmate. He tricked me. Planned a future with me and even tried to get me to buy a house for us to be together in.
My divorce settlement was fairly large and once I got the final papers drawn up. I realized I would be getting a large alimony monthly . This meant I could not live with him. He changed and began to devalue and replaced me with a coworker he said he hated. He then used her for a year to buy him boats and trips and ruined her credit. Poor lady was a single mom too. He then got rid of her too.
So I knew all about sociopaths at that point. I read articles and that first guy fit every trait!! . Of course he opened me up to new experiences I’ve never had sexually and love bombed me to the max. But I didn’t learn. I found another man just like him.
I had a few nice relationships for the next few years and it just wasn’t there for me. So I tried the online dating thing. I met a guy. He text me everyday for 3 months. All day long. I was a stay at home mom. Kids were in school. It helped me pas the time. We exchanged pics. Everyday was good morning princess. He was so into me. So I thought !
I went to visit him he lived about an hour away. We immediately had this chemistry. We became very close. He didn’t have a lot of money. He’d always ask me to stop and bring cigs or beer. I always paid for dinner. We just mostly stayed at his apartment when my kids were with their dad. Of course he had me take pics of my house and he knew everything about me. He had another girlfriend when I met him. Went on a trip with her then let her go after it to be with me. No big deal for him. I’m sure it was for her !
I think what drew me to him was of course the sex and his demeanor was so calming and he seemed so at ease and was very humble even.
I did not connect the dots that this feeling I was having for him was the same intense feeling I had with the first guy. I was hooked. About a month into it. He asked me to drop him by the store and buy cigs for him, ” ok, no biggie ” I said then he says after I BUY them. He’s breaking up and goodbye… the reason because he didn’t want me to leave my kids for him ?? Wtf and where that came from I still do not know. I’d never do that !
It went off and on for 6 mos. He hovered me over and over again. Then he broke it off again. He decided he wanted to go live in another state and start a new life with some woman he barely knew. She asked him to come try it. She was also a newly divorced single mom and lonely. I cried and was hurt but accepted it and moved on.
He Hoovers me again while living with this new woman. He says I can’t stay here. She bitches all the time, I’m coming back for you. I’m a good catch you know. I love you. Blah blah blah
So at this point I’m not real excited but I thought ok I’ll see what happens. He was handsome and charming. Had lots of friends and soon took me around with him telling them he’s gonna marry this one . At the time ,he conveniently showed up. I was selling my nice 4 bedroom home and had 60 k equity in it. My credit was starting to fail and he knew that but I still had enough to get him into a new rent house because poor guy was living with mom since he gave up everything to go live that new life with the other woman.
He comes back. First he asked me to fly up to meet him so he could drive the 800 miles back with me. He missed me SO much ! Then he says no save the money. Let’s go to the beach. When I get there. So I met him the day after he got back drove 6 hours to The beach with him and paid for this whole trip. He had mentioned one of his exes and her bf were there somewhere and he wanted to see if I’d get together with them later. I said NO THANK YOU ! So we had a great day. He was loving and kind and we drank quite a bit. We were driving along the boardwalk. I asked if I could rollerblade he said sure. Got the skates out. I fell down. He drove off after throwing my shoes at me out the window. I went to the room. I had to walk. He was gone !
I was shocked. We were happy and In love the next minute he drives away angry and deserted me. I cried all night. Begged and text for him to come back. Finally the next day he agreed. He drive the 6 hour trip back if I paid him 300 dollars. So I agreed. All the way back I got the silent treatment. I asked where he went. He said back to his friends. One of his girl buddies mother just died. Later I found out this group of friends were at the same beach. Not 6 hours away. He never made the trip home. He was right there the whole time !
We broke up. We made up. I was lonely. I forgave him. He had just left the one woman to come back to me. I thought he was just confused and I let it go. He helped me sell all my extra things I needed to get rid of before we moved in a new rent house together. Of course he had no money and I paid all the deposits and utilities to move in.
Took about 2 months to see he was still contacting the woman’s family about coming back there while we had just moved into together and got engaged. I even gave him my old wedding set so he could use the diamonds to reset them in a new band. He paid 60 dollars. For the ring. I was ok with it. To me it wasn’t about the money. If I had something and he didn’t. I’d share it with him. I loved him very much !!
I planned a honeymoon to Jamaica. I also bought s trip the year before for us. To the same resort. Several times before we married he raged at me so bad over nothing?? I didn’t understand what was going on. I canceled the honeymoon 3 times without him knowing it. Because I knew I couldn’t marry him. He was degrading and so disrespectful much of the time. I was about to call it off and he love bombed me to the max. So I went through with it.
There is so many bad instances that I could write for days about. He raged. He cooled off. It was an emotional roller coaster. I became so confused in my mind. I tried to comit suicide. I almost succeeded. He made me feel so low and so unlovable and so crazy that I thought it was my perfect ending. That I could not survive another thing. I wrote letter to my children. I calmly drove to the post office. Mailed them. Got his gun and tried. The bullets flew out and dropped on the floor. I called my ex husband during this. Told him to take care of our kids. He called the police. They came and I denied the whole thing. So they wouldn’t take me to a hospital. My husband arrived he talks to me a few minutes and then he asked me to go to a party that night. We never spoke of it again except one day became home from work. Held me and said he was sorry. He wasn’t going to ever test me bad again. He loved me and wanted me to get help. Little did I know. HE WAS THE PROBLEM !!!
I recovered. I went to my moms in another state. We moved out of the rental home and he moved to his mothers close by. After 2 weeks he flew to get me from my mothers and drive me back to him moms. He paid for it !! He seemed to miss me and I had missed him so much but it was in an unhealthy way, I now realize. On our way back. He planned a special stay at a nice hotel and casino. He also set me up to swing with another couple. Luckily that fell through after meeting them. So during my recovery from the mental breakdown I had and now was still recovering from I was going with him to take care of his sick mom and we moved in with her. There he was so bored and had extra money to spend and started taking me out for get togethers with couples that responded to the personal ads he took out. I went along with it. By that time I was just a robot and my brain was so confused and scared of losing him that I would do anything he wanted.
We got another place to live. I got a job and work was my saving grace. I got to get out and away and build my self esteem back up and I got stronger and stronger. I still did what he wanted most of the time. But he began to start helping more and being kinder and more loving than ever. Then he left me again. We had a date to go to a Major League Baseball game and tailgate party hosted by his new company. I was so excited!! Of course, my happiness faded quickly when he invited a couple he wanted me to try to ” swing with. They were friends but wanted to. We were a good looking couple together. People seemed to gravitate to us and more to me than him. He was also very jealous too. But claimed he never gets jealous. Long story short. We drank. I said NO to the swinging. He promised we could watch a concert after the game. Then said no we are going to the hotel with our friends. I sat down to watch the concert. The 3 of them left. And did not come back . I was abandoned cat the ballpark in the city. With no car and no purse. And a cell phone that was about to die. My car was at the hotel. I begged and cried and pleaded. He told our ” friends” he was afraid I’d cause a scene. He had exes that did that and called the police on him. He was charged in a previous marriage. With battery to her. He claimed she fell. And Was drunk . He had a fear of that happening again. Anyway I spent hours hiding at 12 at night till 2 am in a port a potty begging for him to come get me… his wife for gods sake. !! He got the couple to check out of the hotel and drive him home. It was too far to walk to the hotel. I had no cabfare. Luckily a cab driver finally felt sorry for me after I walked to a different hotel and dropped me off closer so I could wal the rest of the way . I called him from our room. He said it was over. I didn’t understand why ?? Or what I did ?? I went home. Got the silent treatment . Then he acted like it never happened. If I brought it up he’d say it was my fault. I never LISTEN !!
The next year of our marital bliss was much of the same. He’d start fights over nothing. Then leave. Say it’s over ! Financially I had nothing left and couldn’t make it on my own. He’d always come back say he loved me. Then a month later the same thing. I got used to it. I worked and checked on everything he did. Checked his phone. Browsing history. Facebook. To find evidence. I did find he googled a motel 6 when he was at his mothers on one of our so called ” seperations ” and called him out on it. He said he got a call from a old friend that needed a ride. He came over and was the most sincere I’d seen him since my emotional breakdown and said. I love you. I’d never ever cheat on you. I believed him.
The final incident was that he started going on business trips . Leaving me with little food and money to make the week and starting fights before he left. Ignoring me while he was gone except to send pics of the food and hotels his company paid for while I was working my ass off and starving at home. One day he was home. After Thsnksgiving. He pushed me off the full size bed we shared. Saying I was selfish and was taking up too much room. The next day I was supposed to go to his dads for thanksgiving with them too. I said if you apologize to me. I will go. If not. I’m not going.
This was me using my first boundary with him. I never said NO.
He went alone. No apology !! A few days later after a total silent treatment. He called his boss for a business trip. Asking for one. Anything he said .. he told me it’s over. I text for days. Working out the details and making sure he meant it. My son was staying with us over college break he called his dad. And his dad came to pick us up. I took everything out that was mine. It was all mine and everything I had before I married him. He didn’t seem to care. He then began to Hoover me. Wants me back. Calls and texts everyday . I keep wishing he’d find someone or just drop off the face of the earth. He still after a year says I am the one. He wasn’t finished with me yet. It goes on and on. I think he hoovers me only because he had wore all the other prospects out with his drama. I’m going no contact. I definitely relate to the brainwashing and passive agressive tactics you describe in your books. He fits the profile and does all of it. I think the reason I keep talking to him is because I want to figure it all out. So I can have peace within myself and move on. I’m going no contact. Slowly.. because I’m so afraid he will get angry and try to mess up my life. I finally see the whole picture of who he is now. Instead of thinking he could get help or take medication and get fixed. He can’t. He never will !! Thank you for your posts and articles and books ! Yours helped me the most. I had to write this somewhere for someone to see and it’s a release for me. Thank you for reading it and I’m in a great place right now surrounded by love and my children.
Zari Ballard
January 28, 2017 at 7:06 pmHi Bebrave65,
Wow…Am I glad to see that this story had a happy ending!!! I’m reading through this sad, sad story, thinking OMG, how is this going to end and then you write: Thank you for reading it and I’m in a great place right now surrounded by love and my children. OMG, am I glad bout that! Please, please, please do yourself an enormous favor and block his number and all avenues of him being able to contact you. This has to come to an end, sister. You are never going to be able to figure it out…there’s really nothing TO figure out. He is what he is. If you ever feel the need to talk to me about it, please book a consultation. I would be happy to help you get through the last of it. The truth is that you are NEVER going to be free as long as he’s able to pop back in – even by simple text – to see if you’re still in the queue. We often stay in the loop to see “what’s going to happen next” but this is an obstacle no matter how a great a place that we think that we’re in. Meanwhile, he continues on in his life doing all the awful things that he does best and you stay in limbo land.
I’m grateful that you found my books helpful and I wish you nothing but the best in this life – you deserve it! I’m here if you need to talk and of course you can write as often as you need to. Take care, my sister…
Zari xo
bebrave65
January 29, 2017 at 12:01 amThank you Zari. I am a survivor of this stupid shit!! I wanted to share parts of it. I think the big deal for me that no one seems to talk about is… if they continuously start fights and leave. Blaming you for it. You drank too much or I’m Done !! Just remember it’s them trying to get away!! Force a seperation, call it quits etc etc. Really N s just want a break to pursue someone else and it usually doesn’t work out in their favor. So they keep coming back !!!
Zari Ballard
January 29, 2017 at 3:45 pmHi Bebrave65,
So true! I always say that whenever they cause chaos for no reason at all it’s either 1) they’re planning an escape to go be with someone else, or 2) you’ve just touched upon a subject that would have led you close to finding out the truth about something. Relative to #2, the reaction of rage is nothing more than what I call a “distraction reaction” intended to distract you from what you were originally talking about. You become so distracted by the rage and trying to figure out what you did wrong that you forget that just prior to his tantrum you were casually mentioning the name of a girl that he works with…blah blah blah. You get my drift. Once I figured that out, all I had to do was think back to what I had just said to see what was really going on. Once you figure this shit out, the narcissist is really rather transparent, isn’t he?
Zari xo
bebrave65
January 30, 2017 at 10:32 amHi Zari,
Exactly!! All the pieces are coming together. It took 4 years to finally see the whole picture for me . Every rage and everytime he left me somewhere for some reason in the middle of a ” great ” night together, suddenly raging for some reason , he had something ?, to do !! Then when he came back I was so thankful that I would drop the whole thing just to keep the peace with my husband. He’d say I left because I didn’t want to fight and go to jail like my ex did to me. I’d say but I wasn’t fighting ?? You were fighting with me etc etc . That was the most puzzling thing and it was super crazy-making behavior. Those rages distracted me from finding out exactly what he was up to and kept me on the edge of despair which in turn made me try even harder to fix things. Eventually in the end, I began to rage over the slightest things, because everything added up somewhere in the back of my mind , and I began to have the flight or fight instinct just like him. Funny , a few months ago, I was deleting some of our ” mutual friends ” off Facebook. I searched one of his exes. Just to see what’s going on with her , there was a public post from 4 years ago, the day he left her to come back to me !! I could not believe , it was from the first weekend we spent together, also the weekend of the first time he left me stranded at the beach and drove home. It confirmed he did not drive the 6 hours home like he told me but that his whole group of friends were at the same beach and he was literally right there the whole freaking time !!!! . I paid that man 300 dollars in gas money to supposedly come get me !! WHAT A LIAR !! Once I got that piece of information after 4 years, it was a huge relief!! It was so amazing to actually have that pop up it was like God himself showed it to me. !!! I want to call him out on it. Say I know, that all the other times he abandoned me , I know what he was up to. !!! This dude, after I left hoovered every ex he’s had. They were all left dangling , not really ever broken up with , just like you talk about in all your books and articles ! He began to troll everyone and I got a front row seat thanks to social media. He was blocked immediately over a year ago but only after the first few weeks of our last seperation. I got to witness how he friended them all back and commented and liked everything , baiting them. I think I might have caught him in between supply because I left unexpectedly which was a HUGE blow to his ego. I am remarried now , he still hoovers me. Tries to keep me believing he loves me and is going to get me back. I know it’s wrong to text so I blocked that a few weeks ago. I made up an excuse. Lying to him , like he did to me so often. I’m doing a real bad thing. I’m toying with him now. Playing his own game right back at him from my position of POWER. I know it’s going to backfire on me if I don’t quit. I’m playing the nice ” friend ” who doesn’t care what he does and I don’t react when emails. I’m just very casual , and I put up boundaries , like don’t talk about sexual things that’s disrespectful and I don’t want to hear about your personal life . To me it’s been a healing process , to try to one up him. It’s not right and I definitely feel sometimes I’m going to end up being just like him if I don’t stop. You have mentioned that too. That we begin to think we are just like them … sometimes I can’t feel love anymore except for my children and my parents , it’s hard for me to be loving to my current husband , because love is a weakness now to me. That is my last hurdle. So I’ve promised myself that I will not continue to talk and play games with the ex Narc anymore. I’ll go out like he does , letting him think I might be here later one day , LMAO, if he only knew that if he was the last ” MAN” I would never be with him again. I am WOMAN. HERE ME ROAR !! I loved your new book. NARCISSISM IN A NUTSHELL. To see how far you have grown , since WHEN LOVE IS A LIE , which I’ve read both in the last few months , plus all your articles. You have truly done great works to inform all of us about these leaches , they really all are the same !! It is undeniably TRUE !!!
Blessings my friend ,
bebrave65
January 29, 2017 at 12:34 amI apologize for all the spelling , grammar , English mishaps. I’ve never blogged before and at this point I didn’t care as long as you got the jest of it ! There was so much to say and it was a long time coming. . Please my people going thru this if they start fights and leave blaming you for it , it’s so they can take any opportunities that have presented their self to them, and usually it’s fantasy. No one wants these guys. Really I thought oh this guy wow !! He can get any woman he wants. He’s SO good. Nope !!! No one sees it but you !! Don’t waste your time !!! Those fights he causes is a way to cheat. For a day, a week, or how ever long HIS fantasy lasts. Then he comes back. Over and over and over !! JUST SAY NO !!
Jannike
July 27, 2017 at 3:03 amI was kind of scared when i read this and it made me cry because its the EXACT SAME STORY as mine. Holy shit!!!! I met a guy, we were texting, sending messages, he had a girlfriend, left her for me… he always gave me the silent threatment. ALWAYS. I dont understand how people can be so cruel. It went on and off for 3 years by me. He was just horrible. Everything i did was wrong, how i held my fork and knife, how i dressed, how i talked… he even told me how ugly my boobs were going to be in a year and how wide my vagina was so he couldnt come and stuff like that! He said he’d never been with a woman so wiee, and that it probobly was because of my past with men. (Im 19 he was 27 and believe me.. i am not) he was just trying to hurt me on purpuse. He also used to abandon me when we faught.. it ended up with him driving me to the mountains to leave me there because he heard roomers i kissed someone. He took the simcard out of my phone and said i would never see my parents again. He tried to throw me out of his car and i begged him not to. It ended up with him hitting me so hard i smashed my head against the carwindow. I blacked out for a bit and i had no idea where i was. I begged him once more to just take me down from there (it would have been 6 hours for me to walk to my house), and adventually he did. We ended up in a cort, but guess who went running back to the asshole?… me! Because he was so sorry and he loved me and blablablabla. My parents were devestated and i have never seen my mom cry as much as she did that night. Right now i am struggling and i feel suicidal. I feel like i am worth nothing and i am so tired of crying. I broke up with him before and i stayed away for 6 months but i am so week. I just had to talk to him and ask him why he did the things he did… again we started seeing eachother and again i started feeling terrible. Now i am single again but i feel like a dead girl walking.
Becca Porter
January 16, 2017 at 7:08 pmTell him he’s a narcissist. 🙂 I just did with my guy, and the reaction was unreal. It just reinforced what I already knew.
ann fitzgerald
January 5, 2017 at 7:53 pmHi — I just wish there was some kind of one-upmanship to do – leave him hurting, instead of me!!! Any ideas?
Zari Ballard
January 6, 2017 at 8:18 pmHi Ann,
Oh, just keep reading around this site…all the comments. There are MANY ideas floating around!
xo
Maureen
December 27, 2016 at 7:53 pmSo, I have a child with this guy. Wants to move on without me. Tells me he doesn’t love me. He’s always been verbally abusive, so I should be ecstatic ! Right? I am going to be conscious of my forgetting the abuse and romanticizing the relationship. Will try the postpone and pretend. Pray for me…. and our daughter.
Zari Ballard
December 31, 2016 at 7:53 pmHi Maureen,
I am praying for you and your daughter, sister! Hang in there…a new year and a new slate is just hours away:) You can begin the year any way that you choose. Be strong and do not settle for the narcissistic crumbs. You deserve to be happy!!
Zari xo
Paige
December 21, 2016 at 9:59 pmwow, this just saved me. you don’t even know.
Erin
November 9, 2016 at 6:21 pmThis is what people call .. u were a side hoe of his . Sad huh? I am coming out of that . 3 years worth .. I am doing the forget about it and pretend .. it’s so fun o do ! I will never be anyone’s “side ” hoe ever again ! They r so good at what they do.. but not . I had gut feelings the entire time . He wanted to marry me .. then call me a whore the next day .. ya .. no man of mine is calling me names . ! I’m not giving the ring back .. figured I could lame it off .. get some money out of the deal !lol good luck to me and u !
Alex
November 4, 2016 at 7:41 pmThis is such a helpful site about N relationships and recovery. I did postpone and pretend without knowing what it was, but it helped so much. I had just broken it off with the N in my life, and was at a new job working on an important project, and had to ‘postpone’ to get through work. I’d come home and grieve, then research why people cheat, which eventually led me to personality disorders and the realization my ex was a Narcissist(he checked all the boxes, and I’m lucky he wasn’t as abusive or as smart as some others). I then understood his straying and other behaviors in the relationship had absolutely nothing to do with me, which made me feel better things. The ‘postpone and pretend’ got easier, the first week was the hardest, but after a couple weeks I found some inner strength again, and was ready to get on the road to recovery. He was holding my belongings hostage in a storage unit we shared. I used his N weaknesses to get him to open the storage unit for me, and got my things back with help from my family and the police. I have now started No Contact, and blocked him from everything. I recognized that my mother and ex husband have personality disorders. I believe I have been pre-conditioned to be more accepting of this kind of behavior, and the latest ex just stepped right in and took advantage. I’ve started going to counseling to undo the damage that is still there, and learn how to not accept these kind of people into my life again. I find meditation at my local yoga center to be extremely helpful. There, we wish our enemies to be well and happy, which is helping acheive forgiveness. I hope everyone dealing with N abuse(and any kind of abuse) can find peace and recovery, we deserve it.