In a relationship, a narcissist will use a variety of emotional manipulation tactics to hook, re-hook, and then string-along his partner. One of the most effective of these tactics is one that I call the soul mate effect. Along with its sister manipulation tactic future faking, the soul mate effect makes up the stickiest portion of the web that narcissists weave to capture their targets. Both tactics are so important, in fact, that failing at one or the other will cause the narcissist’s relationship agenda to fall completely flat and ultimately cease to exist. Utilized separately, both the soul mate effect and future faking are typically pulled from the narcissist’s bag of tricks only during those moments in the relationship where the narcissist has to work overtime to suck us down the rabbit hole – namely, the beginning Idolize Phase and every reappearance after a silent treatment.
Yup, I have to admit (and not proudly) that the soul mate effect was my downfall. Clearly exploiting the fact that we’d known each other for nearly ten years before spending another ten as boyfriend and girlfriend, my ex would incorporate this historical tidbit into the soul mate effect to pull me back after periodically letting me go. You see, narcissists and other emotional manipulators will typically create the soul mate effect during the Idolize Phase to hook us to The Lie and then again each and every time they press the relationship reset button and magically reappear after a silent treatment. For the latter, the hoover maneuver is used as a prelude to the reset and, as you know, it’s very successful.
In the beginning, just like all of you, I felt as if my ex and I were meant to be together. For the first few months, it was as if we shared the same fucking brain. We’d finish each others sentences, we liked the same music, we laughed at the same things, I loved his sense of humor and he flattered me every chance he got. It was amazing! And then, of course, he referred to us as soul mates and BANG, I was a done deal. Wow…could he be right? Are we soul mates? Of course we are!
You see, my ex knew me because we had been buddies years before and narcissists never forget a thing. Several years had passed since I’d seen him and from the first moment, it was as if I’d seen him yesterday. Within just two weeks, he had me convinced that being together was our destiny. In essence, he created that highly deceptive beginning phase phenomenon that I now describe as a narcissistic manipulation tactic called the soul mate effect.
The soul mate effect is particularly effective because it is so very personal. Not only do we fall for the lie, we actually deeply believe it – so much so that later down the road, perhaps during a silent treatment or to prevent him from leaving, we will actually try to convince him of its importance. Please don’t leave me! We’re soul mates! Consequently, because we frequently confirm that indeed it works, a narcissist – using just a slight spin – will re-create the effect upon every return as an easy relationship reset. In those cases, for example, my ex’s soul mate rhetoric might go something like, “You know, I just can’t stay away. I think I’m addicted to you. What can I say? We’re soulmates!” And if he really wanted to tug at my heartstrings, he’d refer to “our history together” which, for me, was another key phrase that instantly created the same damn effect.
The difference between the soul mate effect and future faking is that the soul mate effect occurs only at the beginning and at reset points to hook and then re-hook a target respectively. Future-faking, which involves the narcissist making promises and/or future plans that will never happen, is typically a strategy used to keep or maintain the hook. In essence, future-faking is an extension of the soul mate effect. Both strategies are obviously evil in that they are pre-meditated manipulations to fuck with a victim’s head for reasons that are completely deceptive and self-serving.
The trigger-pull, of course, is how the narcissist behaves soon after creating the soul mate effect or future faking and, mind you, it’s not a matter of if but when it will happen. Sadly, the narcissist will 1) create chaos and disappear the next day without an ounce of shame, or 2) forget the plans made altogether and then look at you incredulously when you remind him, or 3) accuse you of putting pressure on him even though it was he who made the plans, or 4) accuse you of ruining his life the morning after an entire night of him calling you his soul mate…and it goes on and on. It’s all a bunch of pathological word garbage of course but when it’s happening, it’s a heart breaker.
My ex enjoyed using both strategies simultaneously. For example, he had a habit of vanishing immediately after we’d spent a wonderful weekend together, leaving me confused and heartsick. Upon his return weeks and even months later, our conversation would go something like this:
W: I really missed you. I don’t know, Zari. I guess we really are soul mates. We’re just meant to be together.
Me: W, you’ve been gone two months and I don’t even know why you left. You don’t see anything wrong with that? I’ve been sick over it. How can you say that we’re soul mates when you keep disappearing? Where the fuck do you go?
W: Come on…we have a history together. I was thinking last night that I know we’re going to grow old together. I love you.
Me: You’ve been gone two months. What do you want me to do…just pick up like nothing happened? I don’t get this at all.
W: You know what? This…this is why I leave. All you do is bring up the past…over and over. I’m here, aren’t I?
Me: Yeah but yesterday you weren’t!
W: Alright, that’s it. What do you want…do you want me to leave?
Me: No…that’s –
W: Because I will. I have no problem with that at all.
Me: No problem with it? A minute ago you said we were soul mates…
W: I can’t talk to you. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have known it would be the same old shit…..
Me: Okay, okay…please don’t go.
W: Hey, you know what? How about we go to that concert this weekend? Let’s have some fun.
Me: I’d love to go but..but…you always make plans when you come back and then we never go. I don’t want to pretend to get excited over something that won’t happen.
W: You are nothing but a buzz kill.
Me: Alright…fine. Let’s go then.
Concert night comes and Wayne is nowhere to be found.
If you think about it, the narcissist has no choice but to create a soul mate effect because for who else but her soul mate would any woman endure this much bullshit? Learn to recognize the signs of the soul mate effect and future faking with a current partner and also with any new person you may meet.
Understand that when the feeling of love is real, no one will ever have to say a word, let alone try to convince the other that it exists, and promises are rarely made and then broken. We must re-train our brain to recognize what is and isn’t normal relationship behavior… and then never ever settle for anything less.
Same Boat
November 27, 2015 at 3:29 pmAfter an intense ‘break up’ this summer, (he threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave his house, when all I was doing is asking, ok begging for him to just ‘talk to me!’) Anyway, after several days of texts of him saying “I need time to deal with this”. Yes, HE needs time. I called a therapist. I had 3 sessions of combined therapy/hypnosis. In one session she said “he sounds like a narcissist”. I thought all that meant was he had an ‘inflated ego’ which clearly he did, so I just said “yeah”. I did not research it. I didn’t think much about it. Yep, he thinks highly of himself. He’s an asshole. However she never ever expanded on it or warned me or anything even though she knew I was trying to get him back. Hmmmm….. I don’t think she knew what it meant either. I feel like contacting her with some sound advise for future clients who may be suffering like the rest of us, but need to know what the fuck they are dealing with. Thanks again Zari, Your books are AMAZING and I look forward to speaking with you on the phone soon!! <3
Zari Ballard
December 6, 2015 at 4:06 pmHi Same Boat,
Yeah, mine used to threaten to call the police too when I came around crying and – yup – begging. Then twice, each during a 3-month silent treatment where I didn’t even know where he lived – he had me served with a temporary restraining order because I messaged on FB the girl I suspected he was staying with (obviously, I was right). He told the judge he was in fear of his life, do you believe that? Over an email that wasn’t even to him and during a time where his residence was a mystery. Of course, he couldn’t have been too fearful because he broke his own restraining order both times to come back. Yikes!
As for the therapist, she did try to tell you, I guess. It’s funny because I always thought the same thing too about narcissism – that it meant “conceited” or the ego thing. Little did I know!!! With professionals, it seems to me that they either know all about it or they know nothing at all. I’ve heard from people that some therapists (one in Africa!) have handed out copies of my book so I know that at least a chosen few do get it but it’s not the norm. I know you probably feel like grabbing her by the collar and screaming, “Why didn’t you force the issue!! You could have slapped me – something! You’re my therapist!” ha-ha!
Hang in there, girl! I’m ready to talk whenever you are:)
Zari xo
JRB
October 7, 2015 at 8:48 ami felt the need to write today. for me, and for you all.
the last communication the N and i had was via email. he emailed to ask about his cable bill (i handled the issue directly with fios bc i was afraid they still had my credit card info saved) he then emailed me saying “let me take you out tomorrow pack a bag and come stay with me i’ve missed you so much” …….no response.
2 days later he emails and asked if i was stillllllll ordering a video game i had promised months earlier (the fucking audacity). and yes, he is a grown ass 27yr old man crying over a video game.
him: “did you cancel the order? idk what to do should i buy it or not?….. me: buy it….. him: are you serious? why would you cancel it, all it’s gonna do is make me hate you more!!…… me: listed a few brief “are you serious” moments of HIS OWN (the random girl at the BBQ, getting the ex pregnant with twins) and ended with BYE.
after i sent the email i realized i had just given him too much, and decided how firm that BYE really was. i received 3 hate filled emails back to back to back immediately, calling me a miserable fuck, how he looks at me and regrets ever giving “me” a chance, im “lame,” and he will make it so i never show my face again (he has always threatened to publicly shame me on instagram). his final email said im just mad bc he doesnt “need me anymore” (remember he’s building his illegal empire by now), and how i can choke on a dick and die now! i didnt respond. to. one. single. email. i let all 3 of them roll in and roll right off my back! it was by far my most proud moment!!!
it has been 2 full weeks today NO CONTACT. it’s the longest stretch of silence in months!! his mother called me from her new cell 2 weeks ago – i kept it short, polite, and flat out told her – her son is an energy sucker and i prefer to have nothing to do with him. she supported that, said god bless & havent heard from her since…
is every day easy? no. do i still think about him? yes. but what he didnt realize was, he completely and utterly exposed himself like never before! first of all, he isnt “getting the money” like he claims to be, bc if he was, he wouldn’t be pouring all of that energy into emails to me about his cable and a $60 video game!!!!! “It’s only going to make me hate u more??!!!?!???” oh, bc i don’t hate u for cheating on me and getting ur ex pregnant!!! on top of the years of mental verbal emotional and ocassional physical abuse!!!
you actually think you deserve for me to do ANYTHING for you at this point????? Zari is absolutely positively correct by pointing out, there is NO boundary these N will not cross! their sense of entitlement is fucking mind blowing! “you’re just mad i dont need you anymore” so you indirectly admit you were using me, and now don’t need to bc you have an “income” now??? fuck off!!!!!!!!
some nights i do fall asleep wondering if she has moved in with him yet, or how big her belly is, or if he will name those kids the names him and i had picked out for our own! (i wouldnt be surprised one bit!) i reread those emails twice since, just to remind myself that the person i loved never existed, and THIS is who he has always been. and how NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING could ever ever change our situation!
its really not you, ITS THEM! i swear to you, i promise you, it’s not you! as Zari would say, stop spinning!!!!! i am living proof, that although this is just a baby step forward, it is NOT my usual 10 steps backwards!!!! and it feels soooooooo good!!! the fact i let all of that hate go, without so much of a “fuck u” back, he stillll can’t believe it im sure! he lost, i won!!!!! i took his power away by doing and dsying absolutely nothing!!!! the rise he DIDN’T get out of me (it’s the first time ever), let him know just where i stood.
i can eat again, i can sleep again, i am smoking less, my friends say my sense of humor is back, i even laugh a hearty laugh again!!!!! READ THE BOOKS! and if you have read them already — READ THEM AGAIN! i tell everyone about them – they are my other bible!!!! take it one day at a time, hour by hour. and before you know it the days weeks and months will pass. some days it feels like it all never happened. then i am reminded it did, it stings less each time, and then i look in the mirror and see how much better i am bc of it!!!!!!
love you all! i wish your mind ease for those struggling!
PS – Zari if you’re ever in NYC, i want to hug you!
Zari Ballard
October 11, 2015 at 8:56 pmHi JRB,
Thanks for sharing that story…so many of us here are thinking well, that sure sounds fucking familiar! My douchebag is your douchebag is her douchebag is his douchebag! If I’m not mistaken, I think mine might have cried over some game I didn’t buy him too – I swear to God. LOLOL
You are a complete testament to how well we can all do when we put our minds to it. Recovery is about re-training our brain to THINK NORMALLY and, more importantly, to EXPECT NORMALCY from those around us. Nothing about anything a narcissist does is even close to normal and when we step back and realize that we actually accepted the weirdness as part of daily life, we should want to smack ourselves. The great thing, though is that even when we do get relationship amnesia, it often takes just one typically ludicrous exchange – such as you’ve described – to REMIND us why it’s over (and all without taking those Godawful steps backwards). I had to laugh out loud at parts of your story because it was so spot-on! It could have been any of us. The best revenge is simply to have no reaction whatsoever! Congrats on all that!!!
I appreciate and adore you and thank you for checking in and sharing the journey. If I’m ever in NYC, you can bet I’m taking you up on that hug!!!
Much Love,
Zari xo
Same Boat
November 19, 2015 at 7:20 pmThe future faking started on our second date, talk of spending holidays together, trips we would take etc. Of course, like all fakes, none of those things ever happened. We broke up at Christmas last year, got back just after New Years, then future fake about simple things like going to movies, concerts, and yes, more trips that never happened. I would get so excited about these things until the ‘night or day of’ and then the “i just don’t feel like it, maybe next time” would kick in. every freakin time. And yes, if I questioned it there was something wrong with ‘me’. Why am I so difficult? Why do I push so hard? I am pushing him away “again”. The soul mate effect came in to play all the time of course to. Usually it was “your the only one I trust”… “your not like other humanoids either”… “your the only one who understands me” etc. Of course, I felt special, but I also deep down knew this was not normal. During our 3rd break up, (he wasn’t feeling it), I quickly decided to let him go and called my long distance ex to try to work it out. A few days later N messaged me something and I didn’t respond. “you must be busy”… lol, no I’m ignoring your ugly ass. Finally I said “I’m just playing this game anymore” and he said “wow, that quick? so you’re all set?” I should have said “HELL YES!” instead I got scared (that would be IT, oh no, do I really want it to all end NOW?” so I didn’t answer. He called me that weekend to say “don’t listen to crazy people… (himself) I don’t know what I was saying”. You know what happened next… back to square one. I’ve just completed ONE WEEK of the NO CONTACT rule after finding him on a hook up site. He tried turning the tables on me “why are you so insecure?” etc. but I was all the wiser by then, having had read these blogs and books, so nothing he said worked this time. I put on my shoes, stood up, walked to the door and said “goodbye”. He messaged me several times after trying to explain his way out of the web site thing, but then said “why am I bothering to say all this?” I said “don’t. there’s nothing to say anymore”. One week…. I can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you everyone for all your stories. They do help!
Liz
November 24, 2015 at 1:53 amHi JRB,
I wrote to Zari Back in August, you keep strong, I had a blip and thought after a period of being away from the N, I could handle him, because as we all know for some strange reason until we actually get it in our heads that no contact is the best rule we still think they loved us, and we long for those times that were happy because when they were happy they were unbeliveable but those times wont return because we have seen behind the mask and they know, so each time they return can be more painful, this last time I have had no contact for over a month, wasn’t because it took him 3 days to start telling me what I should and should”t do what was acceptable etc and how it was all my fault… but his time I just thought walk out the door and keep walking I have been appreciating the silent appreciation ever since, all communication blocked, and I am appreciating the silence, this site keeps me focused and it good to hear the stories we all share and keep us strong. so you keep strong JRB you are worth so much more we all are…. xx
Kyle
September 11, 2015 at 10:05 pmHi Zari, I posted a question here a few days ago but I cant find it anywhere, is it lost in awaiting/moderation limbo? Your site is great and was hoping for some insight – and where ever that comment went – thanks!
Zari Ballard
September 11, 2015 at 10:45 pmHi Kyle,
Nope, I’ve got it and I’m just trying to catch up. Hang in there and I’ll be answering within the next 24 for sure. Sorry it’s taking me so long but I try not to rush through my answers. I’m grateful that you enjoy the site and don’t give up on me – I’m hurrying:)
Zari xo
JRB
September 11, 2015 at 5:38 pmThe email notifications about new comments on this blog were exactly what i needed today.
I didnt think id need to share my whole story but maybe i do?
My N has been in my life almost 7 yrs. And for the first 2 yrs was mainly booty calls and me chasing, bc of course i thought i could win him. He had a plethora of chicks at any given time!!!! I saw it quite often, as he is my best friends neighbor (yea talk about mutual connections)
By year 3, it had been months without speaking and i started having “casual relations” with others. Clearly trying to fill a void. Well, N happened to know a couple of those men, and as if being a N wasnt enough hanging over my head, he used those casual mistakes (writing this now i realize how ridiculous calling them mistakes was) as ammo to literally torture me. When he first found out it was explosive, even physical… Months went by and he resurfaced again. For the sole purpose of seduce & discard of course (knowing this after reading all three of your books). By april 2013, he orchestrated an explosive exit which included me forking over money, and receiving a picture via text, of his new gf laying in his bed!!! That was the last day we spoke. Until my stupid self reached out right after Thanksgiving 2014. I simply thought i could be civil, wish him well… Well he took this as his perfect opportunity. Here it was almost 2 yrs without speaking and there i was, old faithful still pining for him. Of course he claimed him and his gf were broken up and he forgave “my mistakes” and missed me…. Here i thought after almost two years, he misses me, he can get past my past (which i never expected bc of his ego.. So i guess my gut WAS right) and now hes grown and wants me. He must really love me after all… Wronggggg!!! He took anyyyyy opoortunity to call me a hoe, and would mention he could never marry me or have a child with me bc of it. He would even lose his erection and blame me!!!!???
Until his mood changed, he would then stare me in the eyes during sex and ask if i wanted a boy or girl!!! In February he moved her back in and told me we could no longer speak. Devastated was an understatement.
Lo & behold, after being at a gathering with mutuals (his sister is also a friend of mine, but that friendship didnt start bc of our situationship), he reached out. Claiming he made a mistake, he cant take her anymore, he misses me… It didnt take me long to figure out he didnt miss me, but the benefits of me. Id always bring his favorite food or ice cream or even his favorite drug! Whatever just to make him smile! He was “suspended from work” so i maintained all household bills.
From this point on, i was on a biweekly rotation (i saw u last week, u were here just the other day) of seduce and discard.. He casually sexed a random chick at a BBQ in June, and justified it bc we were “only working on being in a relationship we werent actially in one so it wasnt cheating (MDE)
When i finally snooped and saw him texting the ex i knew the game he was playing. One day they were “trying to work it out” the next he didnt want her, he wanted me. It wasnt until after i read your first book i realized he doesnt love her either if hes playing the same game.
Well, the end of July, the ex “somehow” wound up over his place, “drunk”, having sex, and is now pregnant with twins!! (Double the karma i guess) i actually just found out yesterday that it was twins when he sent me their sonogram photo!!
His initial reaction, to my reaction of the pregnancy, SMH lets just say im still wearing a brace on my fractured finger!!! He spewed the most disfusting things all of the time, but even he topped himself this day (5 weeks ago today to be exact)
Since then he claimed he wanted to work the whole situation out, but was still not offering me a title and commitment, only this time it wasnt my past holding him back, but his “current situation” with her being pregnant. I have seen him briefly twice since that day, and even paid a couple bills bc he was “struggling”… Clearly still trying to get him to notice me!!! The cycle has been endless, he says his usual mediocre lines trying to get this puppy to crawl back, and when i dont he goes back to venom!! After spewing the venom he goes silent for a few days then reappears and the cycle starts again SMH
So i’ve been trying to go NC but it truly is sooo difficult. I know hes bad. I know hes incapable of all things human. The irony is his mother told me he would even sabotage plans as a kid!!!! So this is truuuuly what he REALLY IS. Knowing all of this, reading your books, why do i miss him? Why do i still wish things could be different? He doubted the paternity of the baby/babies and i feel thats why he still wanted me around. But after seeing her sono yesterday, he was extra arrogant and has set the NC boundry.
Im mad at myself for breaking NC baxk in December. I couldve saved myself a wooooorld of pain!!!!
Ladies reading this, aside from Zari, take it from me, breaking NC is simply not worth it. I promise u!!!!!!
Zari Ballard
September 12, 2015 at 8:43 amHi JRB,
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I can tell that you understood exactly what I spoke of in my books…the behaviors, what they mean, why he does them and what he gets out of all of it. But now we need to figure out how to get you to utilize what you now know to be true to help you pull away from this bullshit because this guy is getting away with murder – and he knows it. He isn’t worthy of a second of your time and, if he can have his way, he’ll keep you in the queue until God knows when (maybe until the twins are all grown up!).
JRB, consider maybe booking a phone consult so that we can speak one-on-one. As you know, I’m always here in this comment section if you ever need me but sometimes a conversation with someone who’s been there can create miracles. I’ve seen it happen. I know that you know what’s up, it’s just putting it into action. No more paying his bills, being his doormat/soundboard/fallback girl. You can never be “friends” with an N because he’s not normal. He’s a a twisted MF and now he’s got twins coming and God help them because they WILL grow up basically without a dad. But you know what? Better her than YOU! Seriously! Eventually, she’ll find her way to this website looking for answers. You’ll see. Hopefully, by that time you’ll have distanced yourself as far away emotionally as you could possibly get.
Thank you so much for reading the books, girl. If you can, be sure to leave reviews at Amazon to get the message out. Keep reading and writing and working out the poison. Again, a consult just may be what you need. Think about it. You deserve to be happy, sister!
Stay strong…and I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
darla
April 22, 2016 at 7:46 pmi dont have time to write everything i want to right now..but i had 4 engagement rings he would act like we were breaking up.. we would take my rings back tears pouring down my face..then as soon as we walked out of jewelry store he would ask me where i wanted to go out at.. he lived with me two years..after his 6th or 7th silent treatment i made a joke about looking for revolving doors so he can come and go easier.. i cat believe i was stupid and blind ..at that time i had no idea that this type of people existed.. he rushed me to marry him kept rushing me to marry him sell my house of twenty years.. as soon as we got married he would put my name on the deed of the house he just bought for us.. at the same time i thought i was dying of cancer so i wasnt thinking right.. and of course he kept telling me how he was going to take care of me. so two weeks before my surgery i married him.. of course he never added me to the deed.. and he threw me and my 16 year old out on the street in jan.. while he rushed me to sell my house and marry him.. he was cheating on me the entire time..just couple months later he would call me on the phone tell me how much he loved this woman..ask me if it was too soon to tell her. off and on he would call me and act like i was his best friend.. 8 months later he called again telling how much he loved..at the same time i saw him on the dating site every nite until i mailed him the pictures of him on the dating site with dates and times he suddenly got off the site. just recently he started to come to my gym with his girlfriend. where ever I am he gets on the tread mill or piece equipment beside me..even with her there.. funny thing when he lived with me he lied and said he had to take his daughter to the gym twice a week and drive an hour away to do so. now that i live in same area( where we lived when married) his daughter has not been at the gym once with him amazing
JRB
September 2, 2015 at 12:35 pmi cannot get over how incredibly accurate this point is. i have dated other men during our silent treatments, and always found myself comparing them to him, how different the feelings were, and it must be bc HE is my soul mate. smh! i could not have been more wrong!
Zari Ballard
September 4, 2015 at 8:47 pmHi JRB,
Did the same thing and always felt drawn back to the narcissist. In my mind, I took that at as a sign that we were supposed to be together. In retrospect, I have to ask myself A SIGN FROM WHO????? As sure as hell, it must have been the devil himself.
Lessons learned. Stay strong, my friend!
Zari xo
Wendy
December 15, 2015 at 4:32 pmOMFG! My ex’s email address and website reference ’13 Magpies’. I thought nothing of it until after he unexpectedly dumped me and I decided to Google the meaning of this….from the rhyme ‘1 for sorrow, 2 for joy’ etc. The last line, rarely quoted, is ’13 ; Beware! I’m the devil himself’. Help! I am SO tempted to try and warn his current victim but also know this is crazy as she doesn’t know me and is no doubt being love- bombed to the max. Advice, please?!
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2015 at 3:18 amHi Wendy,
I just looked it up and found so many versions of this poem with several that referenced the devil (either “I am…” or “He is…” at line 7, 10, etc. So, although it IS creepy, it just sounds as if your narcissist came across it somewhere and thought it was a “cool” and clever thing to use. You know, him being the cool guy that he thinks he is. LOL So don’t read so much into it! As for telling the girlfriend, no, don’t do it. Think about it: what if you’d met this guy and thought he was the best and were all in love and his ex suddenly sends you this strange FB message saying, “This is a warning! XXXX is not who you think he is. 13 Magpies…ring a bell? 13- Magpies! Look it up! He’s the devil, I tell you…the devil! You’ve been warned!” LOL Even though I get it…I really do….You’ll look like you’ve lost your marbles, girl. Trust me, she’ll eventually find her way to this website like everybody else. It’s only a matter of time. It’s only a matter of time….
But thanks for sharing that:)
Zari xo
Wendy
December 23, 2015 at 4:52 pmThank you so much. Rationally, I absolutely know this! The Magpie rhyme (up to verse seven only) is well known by people of my age in the UK as there was a popular cool 70s kids TV programme, with a very catchy theme tune, called Magpie. So my guess is he thinks he’s being very clever with this ‘clue’ as to his behaviour. Is it true N’s love creating enigmas?
I have resisted the (frequent) urges for contact, revenge or warning his current victim but I still have nightmares about him and am often tearful/ angry/ emotional. I am so grateful to all my wonderful friends and to you, Zari. This website is a life-line. I don’t know how you find the time to reply to all your posts, but I am so grateful.
Peace, love and honesty for you and all of us in 2016!
Emma
September 5, 2015 at 3:27 amYes agree totally i thought exactly the same – that we must have been meant to be together spiritually…..yes it was from the devil as i know now…. hell on earth. an addiction that was all it was – no spiritual element on his side that is for sure….. wish i had known at the time – would have saved a lot of pain and time wasted on a mongrel and evil person from hell.
Haylee
December 27, 2015 at 4:43 pmI just wanted to get the courage to leave a comment here, after 3 painful years of being tangled in a narcissists web, unknowingly until up about 2 months ago when I finally pieced things together. I met my ex 7 years ago, he was still young at 19 – me being 4 years older – I fell deeply in love with him from the very beginning as he was very charming. I think it was the very beginning days of his mental health issues. He said I made him feel like less of a man as he didn’t contribute to the household with money and I was a single parent with a 3yr old son so have to admit I did have my moans and wanted him to contribute more by getting a full time job rather than part time. He used to drive me to work most mornings as at that time I couldn’t drive, so thought that was enough. Eventually the arguments about money caused us to split, he left, I didn’t say a word to him for 5 weeks and received messages from him that got angrier as the weeks went on. Eventually I cracked and thought his messages were because he genuinely missed me and wanted me back – how wrong was I. He didn’t want me as soon as I paid him attention, and a month or 2 later when he met someone else I was thrown to the scrap pile. I found it near on impossible to move on from him, I was completely sucked in by the memories of the early days, his sweetness etc…because of this my other relationships seemed very pointless, I was able to love again but I still continuously thought about him. Three years ago I decided to make contact with him again. And in those three years he has strung me along and had me in his life as many different roles, the friend he slept with when there was no one else, the friend who picked up the pieces every time another woman turned out to be not what he thought, the friend he abused mentally so I felt as small as ant and hated myself, and the friend who he one day decided he wanted to ‘marry’ and gave me 4 months of complete hell this year. He proposed to me one night in his local pub, roughly about an hour after trying to chat the bar woman up in front of me.
He spent most of his time here and craftily manipulated me into moving to the area he wanted to live in as he lived in a run down chalet that needed endless work, he was basically looking for a roof over his head. This time, after the years of manipulating me and knowing how easily I ran back after all the abuse, he knew he didn’t have to make me fall in love with him so I basically got the very scraps he had to give. Sex only when he felt like it, which he later told me was to keep me quiet as he hated having sex with me. He made no effort to be here and want to do anything with me and my son, he ended up becoming more interested in making money to pay his debts and took on a weekend bar job along side his full time week job in an office. I asked for a compromise of maybe working 2 or 3 weekends so we had time for eachother but he wouldn’t budge and of course turned it all around on me and said I didn’t support him on anything. He had no regard for my feelings, my mother sadly passed away in June 2014. One evening this summer I was having a bit of a moment at the window in tears, my ex looked at me and said ‘ why are you crying over that c*** for ‘ I couldn’t believe it…he was completely heartless. As the weeks passed by it was becoming more and more clear he was just using me and wanted a place to live which was possible if I moved into a bigger place.
His social skills are great as he mirrors everyone he meets and I have watched him do it many times. He can’t really hack the real world though and has a lot of jealousy towards other men which I found really strange. He has more female friends than blokes but generally makes everyone feel sorry for him with suicide threats and two attempts in his early 20’s have meant everyone rallies round after him to make sure hes OK. His best friend is gay and in love with him (he admitted that to me) my ex borrowed 20 grand off him which his friend took out as a loan, my ex pays him 500 a month to clear the debt, he hasn’t tried to run from it, but it means the gay friend does have a degree of power over him and I have seen my ex in some very angry frustrated states over his friend, yet he still continues to stay friends with him and go abroad together etc, his friend is always treating him to gifts as well so I know my ex is in the friendship for what he can get, and also knows his friend is in love with him so is easy to manipulate with everything.
He has been violent towards me and has severe anger issues, literally if you disagree with him on anything he goes into a huge temper tantrum and starts going crazy.
I have seen him use many women over the past 3 years, but on the flip side I have also seen him claim to fall in love with women who have damaged him even more by using him as someone they sleep with while they have partners else where. He picks on weak people to get what he wants. I have analysed his behaviour day in day out for what feels like forever now, and I now know he is most definitely a NARC but to what degree I am unsure. We split in September this year and at first I was continuously messaging as it felt like I had lost an arm, and also I was angered as I knew it should of been myself that had left, but he made sure I didn’t go first. After a month I cut contact altogether, he blocked me on everything and I threw myself into my work and my son at weekends. I thought that would be the end of it all, but then 3 weeks later along came the unblocking on messenger and a random message to do with my car. I responded a short message and didn’t speak to him for another week. Again the messages came and I gave short answers or paid no interest at all. He visited Thailand and Australia a few weeks ago and made sure to message me before and after his flight. By the time he got home I had cracked, I was missing him and after the effort he had put in, I presumed he was feeling the same. As soon as I admitted I missed him I fell back into the snake pit. He hasn’t been interested ever since and has told me his moments of missing me were fleeting ones and he has no interest. He wouldn’t block me again as he wanted to keep me on that string. I have felt devastated and so disappointed in myself that I fell back into that trap of him just needed validation that someone still cared about him and he still had someone to feed off whenever he felt like it.
I have since got a new number and deleted all social media. I will do all it takes to move forward from this. Three years of being told I am overweight, awful in the bedroom, only attractive in photos and not in real life….have damaged me….he has done all he can to ensure I will never love again. I am so determined to beat this and never go back. I hope we can all stay strong ladies. We all deserve a beautiful man with a beautiful heart and a genuine heart for us!
I wish everyone love and luck for 2016 xxx
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2015 at 8:42 pmHi Haylee,
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for your pain with this asshole. I’m grateful that you decided to write and share your story! Yes, your ex sounds like a narcissist alright and I’d be highly suspicious of his relationship with the gay friend because narcs are NOTORIOUS for swinging both ways to get what they want. Bottom line: they’re just douchebags…every last one! I am going to send you a copy of my book When Love Is a Lie in PDF format and I’ll send it to the email that you used to post your story. Please look for it!
Stay strong, enjoy the book, and write anytime! I’m here to support you….
Liz
August 29, 2015 at 1:10 amHi ,
Oh my, I have read post after post and recently purchased your book stop spinning start breathing, what a revelation, I always knew something wasn’t quite right, but somehow it didn’t register, as you say it’s a drug, being a intelligent female , but also a hopelessly romantic one I thought I had found my man, but after 5 and a half years and all the traits you have listed… Future faking is the best one he had been moving in for 2/3 years but never quite made it.. Always a reason why.. I even knew the reason so when I kept mentioning it it was always my fault and was putting pressure on him.. This would Instill this rage in him and off he would go… I would go chasing after him to apologise ..!!He crossed so many boundaries and i let but his latest one was try to interfere with the relationship I have with my daughter… WOW what a wake up call that was and thank goodness .. I have the loveliest relationship with her, and without a doubt she comes first !! And being the N he didn’t like so was trying use tactics to make me think otherwise!! I read the book in about 2 hours and every page spoke to me, I haven’t done the excersises yet, I have made a mental note tho, I like the take one month for every year!! Scenario, think this book will be my bible for the near future, it’s not been long and not quite at the no contact stage .. He did get me the most beautiful diamond ring.. Sometimes I think woo what’s missing off my finger then I remember absolutely nothing!!!! Hopefully I’ll be breathing and living my life as a should one day, xx
Zari Ballard
September 11, 2015 at 4:42 pmHi Liz,
So grateful that you found the book helpful. Yes, future-faking is the worst because it keeps you hanging on forever and forever and for “just one more time”. Narcissists know exactly what it is they need to future fake about…what they need to promise or what dreams you need to have swirling around in your head in order to give them what they want. It’s the most painful thing ever because, typically, they’ll pull a fake and then vanish the next day. It’s mind-boggling when you think about it. I, too, would go chasing after him, sometimes on my knees begging for forgiveness for something that he did to ME…anything to bring the peaceful moment back.
Don’t let that ring become a tether to keep you connected that fool. If it’s not on your finger, keep it off. It may be beautiful but there’s no meaning behind it. I know that you know this but I must say it! Stay strong, sister, and do the exercises in the book…some are painful but we’ve got to see it for what it really is before we actually begin to mentally break free.
Stay strong and always remember that you (and your daughter) deserve to be happy!
Zari xo
Polly
July 12, 2015 at 9:40 amI am a 2-week survivor thus far. I was a victim of a covetous sociopath, malignant narcissist, pathological liar, slanderer and paranoid schizophrenic.
I made all the MISTAKES! and it is a shame that we (victims/men & women) wait until we have made complete fools of ourselves before we wake-up. I am not saying I am awake (I am waking up) before we learn what NOT TO DO.
This is my first and LAST time being a victim of any sort and should have known better. I knew things were off, I even brought them up in the relationship (what I though was a realationship). I did everything to fix every little thing. I was the only one compromising (to a fault).
I have never been subjected to such behavior, silent treatment, and being 8-9 weeks pregnant now is not helping. I texted “please come back home”, “We can work this out”, I really need you to come back home”. I left messages, I emailed him, I emailed his friends, called his friends and his family. ALL THE WRONG THINGS!
At the advice of my friend (his sister in law), I even sent photos of the positive pee test to him via email and text mssg. When she told me that he should know, my first response was “he does not care” and I should have listened to myself. I then had an ultrasound and again sent the results – SILENT TREATMENT! No NOTHING.
I am 48 years old and have known my abuser since December 2013. He left on June 28 2015.
About calling his family and friends: After the first 5 days of being on the phone with them I started to hear what they were saying. I know that they were begining to question me, so I immediately STOPPED all contact with them Just a few days ago his sister-in-law (my friend) called me and she has been very supportive and I love her. She has been concerned for my health and well being. I told her, I am not going through with this pregnancy and I have made my decision. She quickly hung-up and has not called me since (she was calling me 2-3 times each day, every day since this began).
I am a multi-business owner/operator and one of my jobs is to work with livestock (cattle, bulls, hogs, swine, sheep, goats, poultry etc.) this is very physical work and sometimes I am up like last night from 12:30 A.M. -4:30 A.M. wrangling cattle and repairing fences from other bulls breaking in to get to my livestock. I am tired, sick, pregnant, an emotional wreck and still can not get a handle on this psychosis.
I have a degree in Psychology(PhD) and I have worked as a therapist. I should have been more in tune with myself and followed my instincts, but intead I was defending him.
I am just now starting to write a blog of my experiences and the blog also will have many links to sites such as this one, including this site. I will be sharing DETAILS in hopes of someone finding these sites before it gets as far as my situation got. It has also been helpful in recalling the different situations and maybe it will help me along the way.
I lived with a covetous sociopath, malignant narcissist, pathological liar, slanderer and paranoid schizophrenic and I fell hook, line and sinker.
Thank you Zari for your blog, site and posting for us. It really does mean a lot and your information has been helping me. I am very sorry for loss (time, energy, emotional trauma and devastation). If I could take it all away, I would. Polly.