In a relationship, a narcissist will use a variety of emotional manipulation tactics to hook, re-hook, and then string-along his partner. One of the most effective of these tactics is one that I call the soul mate effect. Along with its sister manipulation tactic future faking, the soul mate effect makes up the stickiest portion of the web that narcissists weave to capture their targets. Both tactics are so important, in fact, that failing at one or the other will cause the narcissist’s relationship agenda to fall completely flat and ultimately cease to exist. Utilized separately, both the soul mate effect and future faking are typically pulled from the narcissist’s bag of tricks only during those moments in the relationship where the narcissist has to work overtime to suck us down the rabbit hole – namely, the beginning Idolize Phase and every reappearance after a silent treatment.
Yup, I have to admit (and not proudly) that the soul mate effect was my downfall. Clearly exploiting the fact that we’d known each other for nearly ten years before spending another ten as boyfriend and girlfriend, my ex would incorporate this historical tidbit into the soul mate effect to pull me back after periodically letting me go. You see, narcissists and other emotional manipulators will typically create the soul mate effect during the Idolize Phase to hook us to The Lie and then again each and every time they press the relationship reset button and magically reappear after a silent treatment. For the latter, the hoover maneuver is used as a prelude to the reset and, as you know, it’s very successful.
In the beginning, just like all of you, I felt as if my ex and I were meant to be together. For the first few months, it was as if we shared the same fucking brain. We’d finish each others sentences, we liked the same music, we laughed at the same things, I loved his sense of humor and he flattered me every chance he got. It was amazing! And then, of course, he referred to us as soul mates and BANG, I was a done deal. Wow…could he be right? Are we soul mates? Of course we are!
You see, my ex knew me because we had been buddies years before and narcissists never forget a thing. Several years had passed since I’d seen him and from the first moment, it was as if I’d seen him yesterday. Within just two weeks, he had me convinced that being together was our destiny. In essence, he created that highly deceptive beginning phase phenomenon that I now describe as a narcissistic manipulation tactic called the soul mate effect.
The soul mate effect is particularly effective because it is so very personal. Not only do we fall for the lie, we actually deeply believe it – so much so that later down the road, perhaps during a silent treatment or to prevent him from leaving, we will actually try to convince him of its importance. Please don’t leave me! We’re soul mates! Consequently, because we frequently confirm that indeed it works, a narcissist – using just a slight spin – will re-create the effect upon every return as an easy relationship reset. In those cases, for example, my ex’s soul mate rhetoric might go something like, “You know, I just can’t stay away. I think I’m addicted to you. What can I say? We’re soulmates!” And if he really wanted to tug at my heartstrings, he’d refer to “our history together” which, for me, was another key phrase that instantly created the same damn effect.
The difference between the soul mate effect and future faking is that the soul mate effect occurs only at the beginning and at reset points to hook and then re-hook a target respectively. Future-faking, which involves the narcissist making promises and/or future plans that will never happen, is typically a strategy used to keep or maintain the hook. In essence, future-faking is an extension of the soul mate effect. Both strategies are obviously evil in that they are pre-meditated manipulations to fuck with a victim’s head for reasons that are completely deceptive and self-serving.
The trigger-pull, of course, is how the narcissist behaves soon after creating the soul mate effect or future faking and, mind you, it’s not a matter of if but when it will happen. Sadly, the narcissist will 1) create chaos and disappear the next day without an ounce of shame, or 2) forget the plans made altogether and then look at you incredulously when you remind him, or 3) accuse you of putting pressure on him even though it was he who made the plans, or 4) accuse you of ruining his life the morning after an entire night of him calling you his soul mate…and it goes on and on. It’s all a bunch of pathological word garbage of course but when it’s happening, it’s a heart breaker.
My ex enjoyed using both strategies simultaneously. For example, he had a habit of vanishing immediately after we’d spent a wonderful weekend together, leaving me confused and heartsick. Upon his return weeks and even months later, our conversation would go something like this:
W: I really missed you. I don’t know, Zari. I guess we really are soul mates. We’re just meant to be together.
Me: W, you’ve been gone two months and I don’t even know why you left. You don’t see anything wrong with that? I’ve been sick over it. How can you say that we’re soul mates when you keep disappearing? Where the fuck do you go?
W: Come on…we have a history together. I was thinking last night that I know we’re going to grow old together. I love you.
Me: You’ve been gone two months. What do you want me to do…just pick up like nothing happened? I don’t get this at all.
W: You know what? This…this is why I leave. All you do is bring up the past…over and over. I’m here, aren’t I?
Me: Yeah but yesterday you weren’t!
W: Alright, that’s it. What do you want…do you want me to leave?
Me: No…that’s –
W: Because I will. I have no problem with that at all.
Me: No problem with it? A minute ago you said we were soul mates…
W: I can’t talk to you. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have known it would be the same old shit…..
Me: Okay, okay…please don’t go.
W: Hey, you know what? How about we go to that concert this weekend? Let’s have some fun.
Me: I’d love to go but..but…you always make plans when you come back and then we never go. I don’t want to pretend to get excited over something that won’t happen.
W: You are nothing but a buzz kill.
Me: Alright…fine. Let’s go then.
Concert night comes and Wayne is nowhere to be found.
If you think about it, the narcissist has no choice but to create a soul mate effect because for who else but her soul mate would any woman endure this much bullshit? Learn to recognize the signs of the soul mate effect and future faking with a current partner and also with any new person you may meet.
Understand that when the feeling of love is real, no one will ever have to say a word, let alone try to convince the other that it exists, and promises are rarely made and then broken. We must re-train our brain to recognize what is and isn’t normal relationship behavior… and then never ever settle for anything less.
Catherine
July 6, 2015 at 4:27 amHi Zari,
Many thanks for your message.
Sadly my friend is now running around like a loose cannon.
She is picking up men left, right and centre and claiming to be fine.
She is not fine!
The other week she was going to meet a man for a drink who she met the night before, but she could not remeber his name or what he looked like even.. she was banking on him recognising her when she walked in.
It is very distrubing, but there is nothing I can do to help her right now.
She is not listening and I fear for her.
I will keep you up to date.
Things with the Beau are going well, we have booked some more trips which I am looking forward to.
I was reading back on my original posts the other week, man, I was in a bad place back then! thank you so much for getting me through it… I was messaging you constantly!
I hope you and your son are well.
All the love in the world.
Cat
Zari Ballard
July 14, 2015 at 4:15 pmHi Cat,
Thanks for the update and I’m sorry that your friend is going down the wrong path right now. As you know, when we’re in that situation, it’s not easy to pull out – and especially when that person is insecure and perhaps unstable as it appears your friend may be. All you can do is be there, I suppose, when she falls. Lets hope that one day soon the light goes on and she tries to find her way back.
And as for you getting through it with help from me, as far as I’m concerned it was all worth it, every single message, and the end result was you moving on to a happy life with a new beau and you and I becoming great friends! I couldn’t have hoped for a happier ending, sister!
Love always,
Zari xo
MissB
June 30, 2015 at 6:17 amHi All
Zari I just got out of a relationship with my NPD BF, as in 2 days ago. A few months earlier I had a feeling my ex was a Narcissist. I was just not ready to see the signs and do research. I’ve been through everything everyone is saying. The great sex, supportive BF,fits in with the family, friends, really he was the PERFECT man. Reading through your articles and the other stories I cannot believe I what I put myself through. When the good was good it was amazing but the bad was terrifying. I put myself through emotional hell for 3 years. He was my first BF and I was very open and honest. Gave him the tools up front.
What I really want to say to say is that 2 days ago I found out he was living the same life with someone else. The other GF and I share similar experiences like a freaking mirror!! So hurtful how he would leave my bed to have sex with her and come back. And in my car and I would wash the sheets cos I did his laundry! Now I am clear that I don’t want him back, the no contact rule is one I am strongly enforcing. The other GF and I are in contact. She told me he contacted her. I asked her to tell me verbatim what he said. Lo and behold (really no surprise) he told her he is sorry and she knows how he feels about her. I really want to protect her from what I had endured for 3 years. She only had 9 months of it. Everything we had was a lie and everything she had was a lie. Now she is the weak one cos I have seen his BS for what it is. I am trying to stay connected with her because NO ONE understands what its like to be “in love” with him as we understand each other. Friends and loved ones will tell you he’s up to no good and don’t go back. But you have to be in the right space for it. I sent her a link to the site and told her there are others that understand how we feel. I hope she accesses the link.
I didn’t think that my “drama” was actually feeding into the whole mess. OMW, I cried almost every day for 6 months before I even had a commitment from him. Well what I thought was one.
I’m now on my road to recovery. To love myself and live a more wholesome happy life.
Thanks for the articles and to everyone for sharing their stories.
Georgina
June 10, 2015 at 6:06 amHi
I caught my boyfriend of 2.5 years cheating 7 weeks ago. I threw him out immediately but his behaviour after that was so bad. He denied everything said I had made him lose his identity, accused me of violence and harrassment, threated to call my work, friends and everyone I knew to try and discredit me and tell any secrets I had ever told him. I found out more things about him from his 2 exes, he had cheated and lied throughout their 2 year relationships also. I found out he had also cheated on me 6 months ago when we were visiting my friends in a small town and I was only 2 minutes up the road and other suspicions that I dismissed at the time now seem only too obvious. A friend of mine told me last week that it sounded like he had NPD, I have since read 5 books on it since, including all 3 of Zari’s. I am also in therapy but my therapist sounds like he more likely has Borderline Personality than NPD. I am confused, he did do disappearing acts and turn his phone off but only for 12 – 14 hours at a time. But the constant devaluing was not so apparent and we did make plans together and do things as a couple. And until that night 7 weeks ago, I was mostly quite happy. But there were at least 30 occasions in the 2.5 years of either horrible rows when he would turn rage on me, twist everything so it was my fault or the disappearing act where he went out for a ‘quick drink’ and I didnt hear from him again until the following day around lunchtime and his phone was switched off. I have been doing No Contact since last Monday and I am getting stronger but just today I miss him so much. Do you think he sounds like a Narcissist or maybe just has some tendencies of it?
Zari Ballard
June 10, 2015 at 4:48 pmHi Georgina,
Thanks for writing and, although I only know what I know, it sure sounds as if you boyfriend has narcissistic tendencies. The cheating and the phone turn-offs and the blaming and the smear campaigns and the fact that you had suspicions (which are now confirmed) is what validates it for me. If you’ve read my books, then you know what I’m talking about. Whether a guy turns his phone off for 12-17 hours (which is always how it starts) or 2 days makes no difference – it’s simply not normal behavior. And even though you say you were happy for the most part, 30 times in 2.5 years is quite a list no matter how you look at it. Don’t forget that, in a relationship where our partner is an N, 2.5 years is like 2.5 WEEKS. In essence, relative to narcissist abuse, you’re still in the honeymoon stage! They have all the time in the world to do their deeds and, if you continue to stay with him, the worst is yet to come. He’ll never get tired of being bad – ever. And he’ll never snap out of it. What you’ve got now is all you’re ever going to get, girl. Stick to No Contact. Block him from texting and calling. Don’t answer the door. Don’t worry about his smear campaign and say nothing (let him dig his own verbal grave). Learn from my mistakes and GET OUT NOW.
Zari xo
Georgina
June 11, 2015 at 2:58 amHi Zari
Thanks for the reply
Unfortunately last night, I broke NC after a drink and I emailed him, a measured but nasty email, saying I knew he had NPD and that he would never be able to sustain a proper relationship. Just had to get some things off my chest. I know it was the wrong thing to do, a) by giving him supply by him knowing that I am still thinking about him and b) because of the repercussions that will come from him at some point, maybe nasty emails or threats.
He has not hoovered me much and I know that he did a lot with his past 2 partners. That made me feel bad, that he cared more about them, but now I need to take it as a positive that he knows I have found him out, he has lost control and he realises that I am not as easy to manipulate as he thought.
G x
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 10:58 amHi Georgina,
Tonight we have a consult scheduled and we’ll figure it all out. You have to remember that “hoovers” have nothing at all to do with “caring”. It’s very important that you understand this. A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. Love and caring and missing you and all that – none of that applies. It’s a very self-serving tactic even though they do their best to make it appear otherwise. So do not think that his exes got preferential treatment just because he hoovered. The truth is that you, for all intents and purposes, FOUND HIM OUT. There does come a time where they KNOW that and there’s not a whole lot he can accomplish by hoovering. Once they’re found out…I mean really found out (as you did by walking IN ON IT)….the jig is basically up. Narcissists play it until they can’t play no more. That’s not to say he won’t rear his ugly head down the road but, for now, there’s not a whole lot he can say to make up for what you walked in on. No matter how he tried to downplay what you saw, the point is that HE KNOWS that you saw it and that his story is ridiculous, even to him.
We’ll talk tonight. Looking forward to it….
Zari xo
Bethd
June 13, 2015 at 3:41 amMost Narcissists have overlapping tendencies ie NarcSociopath, NarcSexAddict etc My Ex Narc is Classic Narc with Borderline tendencies. I could write a book on how I figured it out but the main reason is a professional gave me the opinion and after much researching I agree. Borderlines fear abandonment more which is why my Narc would treat me like a queen for long stretches especially when I stayed strong to his hoovers. He would actually follow through with lavish vacations, gifts etc. Not knowing about Narcissism at the time I would mistake this for undying love. I would forgive the poor misunderstood little boy but of course with a stern warning of this being his last chance. His fear of me abandoning him kept him in line but of course he went back eventually to who he is. They can’t change except temporarily. It’s who they are. Spot on again Zari with the soul mate thing. My ex loved that phrase. No one I had been with ever played that card and I fell for it hook line and sinker.
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 8:34 amHi Beth,
Interesting comment. Oh yes, they overlap a few different ways and (without formal training) my way of “diagnosing” it is very simplified. Once in a while I’ll read a story here and have to make the statement that not only is this person a narcissist but that, based on the level of evilness he/she exhibits, I’d have to say that they border on being a sociopath as well. My thought is that while every sociopath is a narcissist, not every narcissist is a sociopath…unless, of course, they cross that line. I rarely make that call and I don’t even have specifics that I base it on…but when I see it, I know it. The level of evil and manipulation is beyond reproach. And, in my thinking, the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath is that a psychopath will actually murder you…literally, take you life. Again, it’s another step-up in the level of evil. How simplified is that? LOL
I’ve never really given much credence to the classic, somatic, etc. because, to me, when we’re talking at the narcissistic level, it’s all the same albeit slight variations depending upon the circumstance. How, having said that, I do believe that there are Low-Level Narcissists and High-Level Narcissists, the difference between the two being MONEY. My ex, of course, was a low level and your ex was obviously a high-level, hence his ability to ramp up/extend the “good times” with vacations, gifts, etc. When the N is a low-level, there’s not a whole lot to fill up the in-between times and so they are much shorter. I read this distinction a long time ago in one particular book about narcissism (I’m pretty sure it was Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) and I’ve seen it play out exactly as described over and over. A narcissist with money is…well…a narcissist with money (LOL) and the relationship, though it basically plays out the same, does so on a slightly different level. Money becomes an entirely separate tactic used to set-up the victim (as you well know) for future abandonment. To this, I can also add my own observation that at the same time that the victim is being set-up for a future fall (say, while on vacation), the narcissist is enjoying the vacation as well. So he will use it for his benefit in many ways. I will also add that my observations are that the victim of a high-level narcissist suffers a much bigger let down simply because the HIGHS are so HIGH. Instead of someone like me who, in response to a Discard, might feel Oh My God, how could he leave me like that? We had such a nice weekend hanging out together!!!!!, the victim of a high-level might feel Oh My God, how could he leave me?? We just had the most beautiful vacation together in Rome!!!!! LOL It’s all relevant, isn’t it? (sigh)
And, in the end, in both cases, high or low, it’s all about creating a soul mate effect that eventually gets them the most bang for the buck – our pain, their gain! Bastards!
Love ya,
Zari
BethD
June 15, 2015 at 4:43 pmZari I will go out on a limb and say you have a better understanding of Narcissists then most therapists and psychologists. I agree with all you said esp the fact they are all the same but with different variations. I think they all have evil in them as well but agree with there are different levels of evil with Narc Sociopaths or Malignant Narcissists being the highest. I always told you my Narc appeared to be a “nice” Narc in that I was the raging person in the relationship because he used that calmness tool to gaslight and make me think I was crazy and overreacting to his “disappearances and shady behavior” I overreacted to his silent treatments which were just “him needing some man time and taking a pause” Funny how they mostly came after I questioned him like Sherlock Holmes. But…they also came for no f”n reason at all after we had the best time ever!! IMO he was the master Narc who knew how to play it to the hilt and was able to keep a ridiculous harem on backup as I was to find out later. I was his perfect storm not only because the sex was so good but I gave him ridiculous drama they love so much by going toe to toe with him, trying to out silent treatment him and resist his hoovers forcing him to dig into his bag of tricks. He actually told me once that he had his other gf’s “trained” to accept him and why did I always have to give him a hard time. Can you imagine?? Used the word trained!!!! I kept repeating trained???? Are you fn kidding me??? Of course gaslighted and said I misinterpreted his words LOL Love your high level Narc analysis and its important to mention it because when I first researched Narcissism I kept reading about low level types so I had hope he was low on the spectrum. After awhile I realized it was just another tool to manipulate. My Narc would even say “now who would buy you X? or take you to Spas like this blah blah blah Brainwashing!!!! Its funny that he didn’t start hooking me up bigtime until he got scared of me because he knew I was looking to bolt the relationship. As far as the highs and lows. Bingo!!!!! The highs were ridiculous and you start to look at normal nice guys who think nothing of taking you to Houlihans as blah and boring. Your living 5 star treatment and it gets hard to give that up especially when you are addicted to them both sexually and emotionally. Once you understand Narcissism you realize the lows are just not worth it. That feeling that someone died when they disappear, that confusion of “wtf is happening here”, the smelling shady which keeps you on edge, the drama, chaos and I could go on and on are just not worth your peace and is detrimental to your health. I applaud you girl cause you are helping so many to understand what happened to them, and move on to a much better life. Its really important work!!! Love ya xo
Zari Ballard
June 19, 2015 at 5:11 pmBethD wrote…Zari I will go out on a limb and say you have a better understanding of Narcissists then most therapists and psychologists. Yeah, imagine what I could do with formal training!! LOLOLOLOL!
You know what, sister? You’ve just prompted me to write an article about my take on the theory of low and high-level narcissists. Moreover, I think I’ll borrow your words and refer to it as The 5-Star Deception! I’ve never touched upon this particular aspect but just lately I’ve been noticing that almost every one of my phone consults have been with women that share your same story. The lavishness of the deal makes it much harder to give up – and rightly so!! It’s a hook alright and combined with good sex, it’s easy to turn a blind eye to what’s too good to be true.
You wrote I was his perfect storm not only because the sex was so good but I gave him ridiculous drama they love so much by going toe to toe with him, trying to out silent treatment him and resist his hoovers forcing him to dig into his bag of tricks. This is so fucking true in every sense of the word. Narcs LOVE it when you force them to dig into that bag! In one of books, I refer to this bag as, if I remember correctly, the Emergency Boundary Bag – meaning that he can, when up against a wall, dig deep into that bag to find a boundary he hasn’t crossed yet. I would always say that just when I thought he had crossed every boundary possible to hurt me, he’d come up with one to cross that I didn’t even know I had! I imagine they have an emergency bag of tricks to accommodate every self-serving situation.
And when your ex would use the world “trained”, what he really meant was that he had been successful at managing down their expectations of the relationship to NOTHING so that they’d be accepting of indifference. You were a harder nut to crack – and good for you! LOL We inadvertently kept them interested by pushing them to be the best narcissist EVER! Is that crazy funny or what???
And thank you for the kind words, girl, but without all of you who come here to share, I would be nothing. My work here is definitely part of larger and very wonderful team effort:)
Love ya,
Zari xoxoxo
BethD
June 20, 2015 at 1:16 pm“And when your ex would use the world “trained”, what he really meant was that he had been successful at managing down their expectations of the relationship to NOTHING so that they’d be accepting of indifference. YES YES YES You were a harder nut to crack – and good for you! LOL We inadvertently kept them interested by pushing them to be the best narcissist EVER! Is that crazy funny or what???” Yes we did push them!!! ha ha We can always say one thing….we gave them a run for their money and they will for sure NEVER forget it!! And we know Narcs are weird with money one way or the other which leads me to your other comment. Yes I love the idea of you writing the 5 star Deception! Great idea since so many people are fooled by these covert narcissists who are truly wolves in sheep’s clothing and very dangerous men. Even my guy friends chastised me when I finally had the nerve to break away. How are you ever going to meet someone who will buy you blah, and take you blah blah? Can’t you just accept his “weird ways”…after all he treats you really good. Hmmm and murders my soul when he isn’t!! Me and my friends analysed my “Mr Big” more than the sex and the city crew and it all came down to one word. Narcissist!!! It was hard to explain I just wanted my sanity back and no I didn’t want to stay on this roller coaster for one more minute!! 10 plus years was enough!! No one that hasn’t been through this themselves can possibly understand how chaotic and crazy a relationship with a Narcissist is and the deception and angst it entails. Some women will stay in the situation for way too long (me lol) and knowing about Narcissism is the deal breaker that can get you to move on and forward to a better life. Keep on keeping on Zari Love ya xo
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 9:21 amHi BethD,
You know what? I did the same w/ the “Mr. Big” character – figured his ass out – and couldn’t for the life of me understand why, in the end, after all that bastard did, why they would bring him back to look like a good guy! The episode of Carrie & Big’s last break-up always sticks in my mind. Big’s married to the new girl yet has Carrie over to their apartment (while she’s away) for an lunch hour fuck before he has to go back to work. After Big leaves, Carrie’s getting dressed and kinda poking around the apartment when she hears the wife come in. Do you remember that show? She ends up chasing Carrie down the cement stairs to the parking lot, begging her to stop so she can talk to her, and ends up falling on the landing, knocking her front teeth out. Then and only, seeing blood everywhere, does Carrie stop to help her and she takes her to the hospital. Fast forward to the hospital where Carrie is sitting in the waiting room and Big walks in, looking at her all sad like. As Carrie goes past him, the motherfucker says, “Hey, I’ll call you” and she says something like, “This is SO over, you have no idea how OVER it is” and leaves. End of show. End of relationship….UNTIL the last season where they bring Big back all divorced as if none of that ever happened! I was so pissed because I recognized what he was as well. I love that show but THAT did NOT set a good example for any female trying to escape a narcissistic loonytoon! (Yup, that episode stuck in my head!)
Fuck all those Mr. Big’s! And you know what? I’ll use the Big character in my 5-Star Deception article as well. You’re my writer’s inspiration, girl!
Love ya,
Zari xo
BethD
July 1, 2015 at 9:08 pmOmg Zari this is outright freaky. I was randomly flipping channels last week and came upon this episode. I believe her words were “we are so over we need a new word for over” I actually had flashbacks watching that episode and thinking about how easily Mr Big betrayed his new wife and with zero remorse. Entitled to cheat! I always equated my ex to Mr Big. Once I found out my ex was a Narc I knew Mr Big was a Narc! I hated the ending of the first sex and the city movie. Recognized that it didn’t make sense and he would surely devalue her once they got married. But this is a movie and they wanted a happy ending. Yet I understand her forgiving him. That made sense. After all haven’t we all forgiven these bastards for the unforgivable? We were conditioned to forgive them and allow them to press reset. Mr Big being the high level narcissist threw in the closet of her dreams in a luxury high rise to sweeten the deal. So dam predictable.
Zari Ballard
July 2, 2015 at 1:59 amHi BethD,
OMG..thank you…that’s it! we are so over we need a new word for over…it was right on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t quite think of it! God, there were so many moments when an episode of SATC was actually painful to watch because it hit home so fucking hard. Okay here’s another one AND I JUST TORTURED MYSELF BY WATCHING THE CLIP ON YOUTUBE…the scene where Aiden shows up outside the church at Charlotte’s wedding to break up with her. She already told him that she cheated on him (to get it off her chest!) and now he finds her at the church to end it like he wonderful, responsible guy that he is. It’s heart-wrenching and it’s weird because I feel for both of them….I can relate to both in that scene. He’s so fucking devastated and she’s sobbing, just knowing it’s over, so she refers to something he said about his woodworking, trying to convince him to forgive her…she says “Couldn’t it be like the wood? And this is my flaw and…you’re the other wood and together we’re stronger??” and he just says “It’s not that simple, Carrie.” Yikes! In one sense, I totally related to HIM and how it feels to find out you’ve been cheated on by someone you trusted (NARC) and at the same time, I felt so sad because she knew she fucked up with BIG but she just couldn’t help it (because, of course, Aiden is like the best guy in the world WHICH IS, UNFORTUNATELY, BOR-ING compared to the narc!). Very emotional scene. Oh great, now I’m going to be playing clips on YouTube for the next hour having a sob-fest!!!
Lord have mercy!!! LOLOL
Zari xo
snowpeak
July 10, 2015 at 12:05 pmtrained… Yup. I also was told at first how I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was trusting of him. When I started to think something was stinky, I started to push on him. Then it was “how come you are making this so hard and shit?” Then, when I said he scared me, he asked why and he said it’s because I didn’t accept him as he was. I said no, because you say one thing one moment and the next another. Now I understand that this was the back and forth hooking. And he even future faked, slept with me one night then the next, refused as he didn’t want to give me the wrong impression about us just being friends and then when I left him, said, well, looks like “it” might happen again. What is “it” if we are just friends. I seriously thought I was crazy inane. And like some others here, he was an old connection. I can’t even call him friend as no friend would do that. It all is finally making sense. I am 3 months NC and I feel so incredibly sad about it all. The monster used a very sensitive issue in my life to get to me and to continue to dig when I was getting away. Sadly, it was to apologize for something he did 30 years ago but little did I know, he would use that as a way to control me. All of it make sense. Baiting me, not giving me closure, the fighting but never saying the fight was enough to call it quits, the escalating abuse because I wasn’t one of his other ‘trained’ women and girls… it’s so sickening.
Christine
June 3, 2015 at 4:02 pmYet another great post Zari. It reminds me of the nonsense I left behind! The part that gets to me is how he could tell you he “can’t stay away”–but didn’t he do precisely that with his disappearing acts? The fact he could disappear on you for long stretches at a time tells me that he obviously COULD stay away from you! He was also obviously the master of deflection.
I hope everyone here is recovering and stays strong in blocking these people out, to never be susceptible to this fake soul mate effect ever again. I’m proud of myself for blocking mine and then never looking back, not even once. I was afraid I’d get sucked back in again if I left open any way for him to contact me, when I was still feeling raw and vulnerable. I begrudgingly admit he was smart and knew how to push the buttons of what I wanted to hear. There was a time before when I thought about leaving. I didn’t even say anything to him about wanting to go, but then I swear he had some weird ESP where he could sense that–and that’s when he came swooping in with that soulmate crap (or else I would have left sooner). So when I did leave, I made sure to shut that door and bolt it behind me.
I did heal from that, but only after no contact and getting away from his influence (and then I regained my objective perspective to see through his soul mate crap for what it really was). We can all retrain ourselves about normal relationship behavior, to never settle for this crap ever again. I’ve learned not to get so taken in with someone who tries to sweep you off your feet right away with that “soul mate” talk. To me, a normal person will move slower and will want to find out more information before making declarations like that, because there is so much at stake (and really, how can anyone know if someone else is their soul mate before truly knowing them?) However, narcissists will move more quickly to suck you in–because they need to do that before their masks fall off! Normal people also don’t disappear on their partners with no explanation, and actions match words–to build trust.
Take time to heal everyone, and then if/when you enter another relationship, just take what you learned from this experience for next time to balance your head with your heart.
Zari Ballard
June 10, 2015 at 5:51 pmHi Christine,
As usual, you are the giver of great advice! Thank you so much for sharing….
Zari xo
BethD
June 15, 2015 at 5:02 pmYou were very smart to block him off the get go. They are experts at sucking people back in and you saved yourself a lot of heartache and aggravation!
“Take time to heal everyone, and then if/when you enter another relationship, just take what you learned from this experience for next time to balance your head with your heart.”
Great Advice Christine!!! It truly is a learning experience that changes us for the better if we do the work. I have a friend who went through a similar experience as me and we both said we appreciate our “nice guys” so much more than we would have before our Narcs came into our lives. The sooner you rid yourself of these vampires and heal, the sooner you find happiness and peace.
“
Christine
July 2, 2015 at 12:04 pmBethd always great to hear from you! Well, I was the opposite of Carrie Bradshaw from SATC–after my Mr. Big experience (blech), I found my nice guy Aiden (yay!)…but have NO plans to ever return to Mr. Big no matter what! (hence the immediate blocking. He’s such a control freak that I just knew he wouldn’t just graciously accept my leaving). You’re so right that the narcs teach us to appreciate the nice guys more. Being with the nice guy is basically being in the idealization phase…without the devalue and discard. How great is that? Going through what I did with the narcissist really makes me appreciate my nice guy. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” posed an interesting question, about what would happen if you could erase your memory of your exes. Even if some technology existed to erase my narcissist from my mind forever, I don’t know that I would use it, because that would also erase the valuable lessons I picked up from that experience (painful as it was at the time). I read a saying somewhere to “forget about it enough to get over it, but remember it enough so that it doesn’t happen again”, which is what I’ve done with the narcissist.
BethD
July 3, 2015 at 10:21 pmI’m so happy for you Christine! I agree with you. I don’t regret the experience. Maybe I regret how long it lasted and wish I had not fallen for the last few hoovers but I didn’t fall for the final Hoover which gave me my freedom. And yes I agree …..I appreciate and cherish my nice guy so much. We are living proof there is a great life waiting for us after the narcissist. We gain a perspective we never would have had. Stay peaceful and happy girl! Xo
Christine
July 6, 2015 at 10:28 amYou’re such an inspiration Bethd! My own “nice guy” relationship is still in the early stages, but you give me hope that it’s possible to not only find real love after the narcissist, but sustain it too (since it sounds like you’ve been with your nice guy a longer time). My only regret is that I didn’t leave my narcissist the first time I thought about it, and let him sweet-talk me into staying longer. However, that did teach me that when I DID leave, I had to be vigilant to block him and not let him talk to me, so I wouldn’t get sucked in again. These vampires will use that fake soul mate crap to string us along, but we don’t have to let them. I hope everyone else here also gets to a more positive place!
Emma
June 2, 2015 at 11:53 amI experienced this too with my second relationship. I thought I had found my twin soul. And now I know he was just mirroring. I went from a 20 yr marriage with a narcissist then into a fifteen yr relationship with a worse. narcissist. I am now trying to understand my codependent qualities so I don’t attract another one. But yes this twin soul bullshit really sucked me in hook line and sinker. Soul mates don’t give you the silent treatment for two months and then come back and say they don’t remember why they did it. That was a lie too. I now know he lied to me forever while always insisting on the truth from me. This has been the worst thing. I don’t know how I will ever recover from the disappointment and devastation certainly was “love is a lie”. After 3 months no contact. The grief has really hit me and I have been crying for days. It is so not fair to be treated so despicably. The trauma is very great. I feel like I will have to go to therapy for years to recover. Just when I think I am healing I fall over again. The worst thing is that no one understands unless this has happened to you. Your books have made me understand all his behaviour over the years and the confusion I suffered. I just feel what a waste of my life suffering all that pain for a damaged idiot and I feel so angry. So not fair. The injustice of it is terrible.
All the women who suffered this on these pages need to band together for support as there is not much out there in society as most people don’t really know what a narcissist is. Only spirituality helps and meditation – going into that peaceful place inside every day when the pain becomes great and trying to stay in the present moment as this is the only place where there is no suffering while trying to recover. As there is no answer as too why did I have to meet this person and be so hurt by them.
We need to heal together and I am definite suffer post traumatic stress syndrome from it all. But how can you tell anyone that…
Emma
Emma.
Zari Ballard
June 10, 2015 at 6:06 pmHi Emma,
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. It is hard to fathom that someone we love can be so intentionally despicable, isn’t it? It took me years to wrap my head around it and to accept that it would never get better. This is what you must know – that YOU were never the problem and he simply is what he is. Mine would do the same thing you describe – disappear for months at a time and then return saying he missed me and wasn’t even sure why we were apart and can’t we just start over???!!! It was horrible and I feel your pain from the bottom of my heart.
I understand about supporting each other and this is why I have written my books and created this website. Support is so important. Be sure to read not only the articles here but the stories that follow in the comment sections of each and you will find so many others with the same story. You are never alone – of that you can be sure. Healing is a team effort, sister, and I am here to support you:)
Stay strong!
Zari xo
BethD
June 15, 2015 at 5:19 pmEmma, I promise you it will get better. You seem to understand what happened but now you have to accept it which was the hardest part for me. Once I accepted I had to get out and stay out because I could never fix him or make him change..,.it was like a weight was lifted. Keep reading and keep busy. And last but not least stay the course of no contact. Nothing good can come of it and you will just find yourself explaining and talking to the wall. Happier days are ahead and you will look at him as the pathetic fool that he is. Remember he is an empty vat that will repeat the cycle over and over and you will find true love as you deserve. xoxo
Cheryl
June 1, 2015 at 1:46 pmYes, yes, yes. It’s like you’re writing about my life. He was big on the soul mate effect and future faking. As everyone else here is aware, I can’t even describe the devastation I experienced in the 3.5 years I had a ‘relationship” with this man. I had known him for years. I thought we were friends for a few years before we became involved.
Tomorrow will be 8 months since I have heard from him…Almost five months since I stopped reaching out to him to try and get closure. Not sure I qualify as no contact as I do still hear about him from many mutual friends and look at his social media from time to time. But it is getting less. It is getting less painful. It is such a slow process even with counseling for over a year. I can finally see that it will end. I don’t know when it will end. But at least I can see the possibility of a day when he isn’t the first thought in my mind and a day that the pain won’t overwhelm me to tears. I will never be the same. He made sure of that.
But I try to find the positive. If it were not for him, I wouldn’t be in counseling and working on myself. I wouldn’t be figuring out how he pulled this off. I wouldn’t be working on skills to make sure it never happens again. So, for that I am thankful.
So for everyone else out there who knows what this pain is like. Hang in there. Most days are still tough. But it will get better. I promise. I will find the self confidence, hope, trust, love and all the other things he took from me. It might not be tomorrow or even next month. But I will not stop trying because I will not give him the satisfaction of thinking he beat me.
Thank you, Zari for all your insight. Even with counseling, I think your site has been the biggest help to me in piecing my life back together.
Zari Ballard
June 5, 2015 at 5:49 pmHi Cheryl,
Thank you for the kind words and I am so glad to hear that you’re on the path to recovery. One day at a times, one step at a time is all we can do. Remember to postpone the sadness for 24 hours whenever it overwhelms you and continue to do it until it simply doesn’t reappear. It’s a game that always worked for me. Then. pretend all is well everywhere you go. Postpone & pretend, sister! Your biggest day of sunshine is yet to come!
Zari xo
Rosemary
May 30, 2015 at 4:39 pmThat is a great post because that conversation template is EXACTLY how it goes!!
Just insert different names and events. Amazing!
Here is some entertainment for you. I’ve now permanently moved on and the latest text out of the blue from the narcissist/sociopath was: “What is it about you that stays in my brain no matter what?” Of course I ignored it but the answer I would have loved to have sent is: “dunno”.
BethD
June 15, 2015 at 5:31 pmOmg love it Ro!! My ex has said those words almost exactly on one of his hoovers. They all have the same plays from the same playbook. Up next is a text with your favorite song or a pic of your favorite restaurant LOL Mine even tried “are you still mad at me?” This was over a year after we broke up!!