Narcissists may be pathological liars but there will be those times when, feeling boxed in, the narcissist will toss out what I call a snippet of truth. It would behoove us to believe these snippets of truth when we are privileged to hear them but we never do. For some odd reason, we choose to believe the pathological lie when the snippet of truth is typically the statement that lays out the narcissist’s relationship agenda. We embrace plausible deniability – as absurd as that always is – even when the narcissist’s true “feelings” are brought to the table.
If you’ve ever screamed, “All I want is the truth!” at a narcissist, you understand the frustration that comes from such a conversation. However, despite our demands for honestly, it’s likely that truth is actually not what we desire to hear and so we choose instead to let the snippets fall to the wayside. We wallow in the mindset of cognitive dissonance. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make because even the most outwardly benign snippet typically crosses the boundaries of respect (if we had them in place). Just one brutal snippet of truth can bring justification for leaving the relationship.
Now, in order to define a snippet of truth, I’ll start by telling you what it is not. A snippet of truth is not the same as, say, the truth revealed when a narcissist accuses us of doing exactly what it is that he or she is doing. The latter “truth” is typically something we figure out later…usually as we’re curled up in a fetal position trying to make sense of the narcspeak. In that moment, we realize that of course we’re not cheating on the narc so therefore the narc must be cheating on us because this is how a twisted narcissist works. And we’re right! But to master this particular discovery method takes practice and discipline because we first must stop reacting and just listen. The narcissist’s accusatory words always tell us what we need to know about what he or she is doing. The accusations, however, must be translated and, thus, aren’t snippets of truth.
A snippet of truth is also different from the truth revealed when the narcissist says one thing (“Oh, that girl? I can’t stand her.”) and actually means the exact opposite (“Oh, that girl? You mean the one I want to fuck?”). I call this narcissistic backmasking. Anyone who has ever heard of playing a song in reverse to hear hidden messages knows what I mean here. The narcissist’s backmasking statement is typically conversational and not accusatory at all and, consequently, we usually pass it off as boring narcspeak…but it is anything but. Again, to decipher truth this way takes mental energy we usually don’t have and much time can pass before we realize that all we have to do is reverse the meaning of narcissist’s words in real time to get to the bottom of anything. Wow.
Yes, a snippet of truth is none of the above. When a narcissist screams out a snippet of truth, there is nothing to think about and no reflection is needed. The truth is out there – waved in our face – and all we have to do is believe it. Unlike accusing us of what he or she is doing and saying the opposite of what they really mean, snippets of truth don’t happen very often. The aforementioned behaviors happen all the time, causing us to become desensitized and we choose to look the other way. A snippet of truth is usually blurted out in such a way that even the narcissist is surprised!
For example, I can recall a time when, in the middle of a phone fight about God knows what, my ex suddenly screamed, “I just want to do what I want to do!” and hung up. I remember looking at the receiver and saying, “Well, okay then. Thanks for telling me.” Another time, early on and before the first discard, he casually provided the most important snippet of truth ever by saying I can take you or leave you. This snippet, I now believe, was spoken on behalf of all narcissists everywhere because this is how they think.
Our relationship with a narcissist is not nearly as important to the narcissist as we think it is. So, a more truthful snippet has never been told. A narcissist can take us or leave us without blinking an eye. The relationship simply doesn’t matter. This particular snippet haunted me for years because 1) he never apologized for the few times he said it, and 2) I knew in my heart that he was telling me the truth. I just didn’t want to believe it. And so the years went on.
Others snippets from my ex:
Oh yeah? Well, I’ll just fuck someone else and tell her what she wants to hear. [He was telling the truth, of course, because this is what he did in all his relationships – me included. He told people what they wanted to hear in the moment and then did the opposite. When is this ever acceptable?]
My conscience is clear. [Considering all I knew about my ex and with all he had done to me and to his family, the fact that he had a clear conscience should have horrified me.]
I don’t have any feelings either way. [His reply when I asked him to explain how he could just disappear for months at a time, hurting me and my son so badly.]
I don’t believe in feeling guilty. [This is true of all narcissists. And they mean it!]
I just figured I could do what I want and you’ll still take me back. [Unfortunately, he was right.]
The following statements were those I recognized instantly as snippets of truth in the stories told to me by partner’s or ex-partners of narcissists:
You definitely love me more than I love you.
I know I’m supposed to give a shit but I don’t.
Nothing you say means anything to me.
I’m not even sure if I miss you.
I’m like a salesman. I sell myself.
You can’t change me so don’t even try.
I know I’m an asshole…so why do you stay?
Immediately following a snippet, the narcissist’s facial reaction to his own truth telling is typically either one of surprise (who said that?) or smug defiance (there! I said it!) or the first followed immediately by the second. Either way, we need to pay attention. He or she may be surprised but we certainly shouldn’t be.
A snippet of truth is usually very hurtful and this is why we ignore it. We demand the truth but don’t want to hear it. The narcissist discovers this about us early on and takes advantage. In the narcissists mind, it’s not his fault if we get hurt. After all, he did tell us, right?
In all situations in life, we have to learn to recognize the truth. On the surface, a snippet of truth may seem unimportant or superficial in the big picture but we’re talking about narcissists here. Once in awhile, they do mean what they say. If we have the right boundaries in place, we would never allow such disrespect. We must learn to create and commit to boundaries…it is our only protection against emotional predators – even those that we claim to love. If we listen for snippets of truth in the narcissist’s word garbage, logical reasons for leaving this person will be revealed.
What snippets of truth have you been told by a narcissistic partner? Please share in the comments below:)
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Jenna
June 21, 2019 at 9:49 amZari:
The one snippet of truth that made my stomach turn; “Why cant you just shut up and let things be the way I want them to be”. A romantic narc who promised me the world for 5 years until the day he said that. I am recovering after finally learning the ONLY WAY to regain my self-confidence and life was to go completely NO CONTACT.
Zari Ballard
July 26, 2019 at 1:14 amHi Jenna,
Yup, snippets of truth hurt when we actually pay attention. They just want to do what they want to do and to help with the partner. Pretty awful. I hope you’ve made it out to get started on a better life!
Ashley
May 22, 2019 at 6:13 pmThis is perfect. I was recently suffering the horror of the things he said and what he meant. All the double speak and snippets of truth. It’s unbelievable. He told me EXACTLY what he was. “I’m a drug addict, therefore a liar.” No. You’re a fucking narcissist. Regarding his poor exgirlfriend who didn’t have the capacity to understand what happened to her “I could put a bullet in her head and not care.” Floored. Regarding any woman in his past “her name was never important.” After attacking and threatening to throw me off a balcony “I refuse to feel guilty about something that happened yesterday.” What the??? This is horrifying. Absolute horror and nothing more. Wow. Why isn’t there a registry for these people??? Thanks for this.
Julia
May 13, 2019 at 9:04 pmMy boyfriend that I’ve lived with for almost 3 years is definitely narcissistic and is on the npd spectrum. When he gets mad he just tells me how stupid I am and how much he hates me and freaks out of the most minor things like if I leave things messy around the house he’ll nag me and literally ask me why I’m so stupid or why did I leave the dishes in the sink over and over and over loudly like “HUH HUH HUH HUH? (Over and over and over for a longggg time) Or like WHY WHY WHY WHY? Hello??? What? And I don’t know what to say. So sometimes I just freeze up and don’t say anything until he hopefully stops. And if it’s something more serious or severe (in his mind) and I don’t answer he’ll smack me in the head. Whenever he bites his knuckles angrily I know he’s reaaaaaly angry and ready to hit. Then later he’ll apologize and when we first got together he would cry and tell me he’s so sorry and he wouldn’t get so mad and violent again but it always would happen. And he never thinks he’s wrong about anything and I know he talks to other women on the internet. I caught him from ready his phone a few times in the very beginning of the relationship and once in the beginning of 2018 I read a message and it was from a year before but we were still together then(it was disgusting conversation on HIS PART, not even her’s.. and the woman was gross looking, not like I’m the prettiest but she wasn’t anything like me and she wasn’t very pleasant to look at, at all) anyway there’s a lot more to it and I know he had a somewhat traumatic childhood and I’ve read up a lot about narcissism because I know he has it he fits the description for npd to a t! But also he has the capability of being very compassionate sometimes and most of the time he’s basically like my best friend. And he never leaves my side and we joke and laugh and have always been very similar(besides the fact that I am a total empath and I always try to be kind and he can either be that way or the complete opposite. Also know one knows this but me! And I’m pretty sure his previous girlfriend and maybe some old friends. But no one other than family has 24/7 lived with him and been abused by him like me and it sucks because my family loves him and half the fucking time so do I.. but I can’t shake this crazy side of him that is severely narcissistic. Also he claims he’s better at any/everything than just about anyone, doesn’t matter what it is. Which drives me nuts and also makes me hate him. Anyways, sorry for my long rant, I just needed to get all this out there to some people who might understand.
bleak
March 29, 2019 at 7:23 amI’ve been seeing this girl since earlier this year. We’ve known each other for about a year. After the initial “love fest,” I felt like I was put on hold. When I questioned her about it, she got angry and said she’d been in abusive relationships before and sometimes I reminded her of them if I became angry at her neglect. I assured her I wasn’t them (ie I was never violent, used name calling, spit in her face, hacked her accounts and cell etc etc).
And so the rollercoaster ride continued. I tried to break up with her several times. I tried no contact but she keeps undermining my resolve. The last time, she came over and we had a teary eyed conversation that felt more like an interrogation. I can’t say “no” to this girl for very long.
Tonight, she called me and we had our usual one-sided conversation with me doing all the entertaining I mean talking. Then I texted her some nice smiley’s and she did the same… followed by a link to one of her male friend’s new music (we both love the same music and I’m a musician). I became jealous which I think was her intent and texted her a gee thanks but why don’t you ask me about what I’m working on. She got angry as I knew she would and said “so what? It’s just a song I thought would make you happy.”
One more little detail; she is and has been in a live-in relationship with another male for five years and is cheating on him with me and who knows who else. I know it’s wrong and I want to stop seeing her. I was very lonely and she was someone I loved at first sight but now I think she is evil. I tried to help her become willing to be monogamous but she says she isn’t ashamed of anything. I don’t care anymore; I want her out of my life.
So, Zari, was this little music link from her friend the truth hiding in plain site? Please help me. I’m reading your book When Evil Is A Pretty Face. I wonder if I’m not the N sometimes but I’m not cheating on anyone and wouldn’t if I had the chance. My moral compass is screwed right now. It gets thrown away every time I see her. I just want to be in a healthy relationship or none at all.
bleak
March 29, 2019 at 2:09 amI’ve been seeing this girl since earlier this year. We’ve known each other for about a year. After the initial “love fest,” I felt like I was put on hold. When I questioned her about it, she got angry and said she’d been in abusive relationships before and sometimes I reminded her of them if I became angry at her neglect. I assured her I wasn’t them (ie I was never violent, used name calling, spit in her face, hacked her accounts and cell etc etc).
And so the rollercoaster ride continued. I tried to break up with her several times. I tried no contact but she keeps undermining my resolve. The last time, she came over and we had a teary eyed conversation that felt more like an interrogation. I can’t say “no” to this girl for very long.
Tonight, she called me and we had our usual one-sided conversation with me doing all the entertaining I mean talking. Then I texted her some nice smiley’s and she did the same… followed by a link to one of her male friend’s new music (we both love the same music and I’m a musician). I became jealous which I think was her intent and texted her a gee thanks but why don’t you ask me about what I’m working on. She got angry as I knew she would and said “so what? It’s just a song I thought would make you happy.”
One more little detail; she is and has been in a live-in relationship with another male for five years and is cheating on him with me and who knows who else. I know it’s wrong and I want to stop seeing her. I was very lonely and she was someone I loved at first sight but now I think she is evil. I tried to help her become willing to be monogamous but she says she isn’t ashamed of anything. I don’t care anymore; I want her out of my life.
So, Zari, was this little music link from her friend the truth hiding in plain site? Please help me. I’m reading your book When Evil Is A Pretty Face. I wonder if I’m not the N sometimes but I’m not cheating on anyone and wouldn’t if I had the chance. My moral compass is screwed right now. It gets thrown away every time I see her. I just want to be in a healthy relationship or none at all.
Heidi johnes
March 27, 2019 at 4:26 pm“i can be a real dick,” and “I don’t know how to be in a real relationship.” Also, “She’s a whore I could’ve fucked her” andaSexting isn’t cheating”
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 1:02 amHi Heidi…yup, those be snippets of truth!!!
Kate
March 15, 2019 at 5:09 amI have several snippets of truth and most of them were red flags shown to me very early on in our relationship….like “If you were a more confident person, you would realise you shouldn’t be with me and you should leave”. The big one was him showing me a text message from his ex-wife during a text argument describing him as ’emotionally unstable, selfish, secretive and vile” and threatening an injunction against him to stop he seeing the kids. He showed me this description of himself and said “See what I have to put up with?” Of course I thought his ex-wife was the problem when really, he was telling me who he was. He SHOWED me his character and I ignored it, I made a plausible explanation for the warning. Many times through the relationship he accused me of not loving him or asked why I was with him. He admitted he didn’t know why he said some of the hurtful things he said sometimes. Two years later and I made a break for it only to now be fighting hoover attempts. My advice to you? Listen to what you are being told….people tell you who they are ALL THE TIME. Don’t ignore red flags, don’t ignore your intuition and get out while you are still strong enough to do so. I keep a diary and within six weeks of our relationship starting, I’d written ‘I think he is trying to manipulate me’….and yet here I am with him still in my life.