Narcissists may be pathological liars but there will be those times when, feeling boxed in, the narcissist will toss out what I call a snippet of truth. It would behoove us to believe these snippets of truth when we are privileged to hear them but we never do. For some odd reason, we choose to believe the pathological lie when the snippet of truth is typically the statement that lays out the narcissist’s relationship agenda. We embrace plausible deniability – as absurd as that always is – even when the narcissist’s true “feelings” are brought to the table.
If you’ve ever screamed, “All I want is the truth!” at a narcissist, you understand the frustration that comes from such a conversation. However, despite our demands for honestly, it’s likely that truth is actually not what we desire to hear and so we choose instead to let the snippets fall to the wayside. We wallow in the mindset of cognitive dissonance. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make because even the most outwardly benign snippet typically crosses the boundaries of respect (if we had them in place). Just one brutal snippet of truth can bring justification for leaving the relationship.
Now, in order to define a snippet of truth, I’ll start by telling you what it is not. A snippet of truth is not the same as, say, the truth revealed when a narcissist accuses us of doing exactly what it is that he or she is doing. The latter “truth” is typically something we figure out later…usually as we’re curled up in a fetal position trying to make sense of the narcspeak. In that moment, we realize that of course we’re not cheating on the narc so therefore the narc must be cheating on us because this is how a twisted narcissist works. And we’re right! But to master this particular discovery method takes practice and discipline because we first must stop reacting and just listen. The narcissist’s accusatory words always tell us what we need to know about what he or she is doing. The accusations, however, must be translated and, thus, aren’t snippets of truth.
A snippet of truth is also different from the truth revealed when the narcissist says one thing (“Oh, that girl? I can’t stand her.”) and actually means the exact opposite (“Oh, that girl? You mean the one I want to fuck?”). I call this narcissistic backmasking. Anyone who has ever heard of playing a song in reverse to hear hidden messages knows what I mean here. The narcissist’s backmasking statement is typically conversational and not accusatory at all and, consequently, we usually pass it off as boring narcspeak…but it is anything but. Again, to decipher truth this way takes mental energy we usually don’t have and much time can pass before we realize that all we have to do is reverse the meaning of narcissist’s words in real time to get to the bottom of anything. Wow.
Yes, a snippet of truth is none of the above. When a narcissist screams out a snippet of truth, there is nothing to think about and no reflection is needed. The truth is out there – waved in our face – and all we have to do is believe it. Unlike accusing us of what he or she is doing and saying the opposite of what they really mean, snippets of truth don’t happen very often. The aforementioned behaviors happen all the time, causing us to become desensitized and we choose to look the other way. A snippet of truth is usually blurted out in such a way that even the narcissist is surprised!
For example, I can recall a time when, in the middle of a phone fight about God knows what, my ex suddenly screamed, “I just want to do what I want to do!” and hung up. I remember looking at the receiver and saying, “Well, okay then. Thanks for telling me.” Another time, early on and before the first discard, he casually provided the most important snippet of truth ever by saying I can take you or leave you. This snippet, I now believe, was spoken on behalf of all narcissists everywhere because this is how they think.
Our relationship with a narcissist is not nearly as important to the narcissist as we think it is. So, a more truthful snippet has never been told. A narcissist can take us or leave us without blinking an eye. The relationship simply doesn’t matter. This particular snippet haunted me for years because 1) he never apologized for the few times he said it, and 2) I knew in my heart that he was telling me the truth. I just didn’t want to believe it. And so the years went on.
Others snippets from my ex:
Oh yeah? Well, I’ll just fuck someone else and tell her what she wants to hear. [He was telling the truth, of course, because this is what he did in all his relationships – me included. He told people what they wanted to hear in the moment and then did the opposite. When is this ever acceptable?]
My conscience is clear. [Considering all I knew about my ex and with all he had done to me and to his family, the fact that he had a clear conscience should have horrified me.]
I don’t have any feelings either way. [His reply when I asked him to explain how he could just disappear for months at a time, hurting me and my son so badly.]
I don’t believe in feeling guilty. [This is true of all narcissists. And they mean it!]
I just figured I could do what I want and you’ll still take me back. [Unfortunately, he was right.]
The following statements were those I recognized instantly as snippets of truth in the stories told to me by partner’s or ex-partners of narcissists:
You definitely love me more than I love you.
I know I’m supposed to give a shit but I don’t.
Nothing you say means anything to me.
I’m not even sure if I miss you.
I’m like a salesman. I sell myself.
You can’t change me so don’t even try.
I know I’m an asshole…so why do you stay?
Immediately following a snippet, the narcissist’s facial reaction to his own truth telling is typically either one of surprise (who said that?) or smug defiance (there! I said it!) or the first followed immediately by the second. Either way, we need to pay attention. He or she may be surprised but we certainly shouldn’t be.
A snippet of truth is usually very hurtful and this is why we ignore it. We demand the truth but don’t want to hear it. The narcissist discovers this about us early on and takes advantage. In the narcissists mind, it’s not his fault if we get hurt. After all, he did tell us, right?
In all situations in life, we have to learn to recognize the truth. On the surface, a snippet of truth may seem unimportant or superficial in the big picture but we’re talking about narcissists here. Once in awhile, they do mean what they say. If we have the right boundaries in place, we would never allow such disrespect. We must learn to create and commit to boundaries…it is our only protection against emotional predators – even those that we claim to love. If we listen for snippets of truth in the narcissist’s word garbage, logical reasons for leaving this person will be revealed.
What snippets of truth have you been told by a narcissistic partner? Please share in the comments below:)
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Cynthia
November 29, 2018 at 7:33 amMy ex narc told me, “I don’t want to compromise anything in my life. I should be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and with whomever I want. And I shouldn’t need to tell you about it.” Those were his EXACT words after 5 years of discarding and hoovering. It was that moment that I realized there would never be a true “relationship” with him.
I had been telling him since the beginning of our relationship that it seemed like he didn’t want to be in a relationship – that he just wanted a girlfriend on call. He would always deny this. Slowly he wore down my self-esteem (which wasn’t healthy to begin with obviously) to the point I was chasing him and letting him use me. Another low point was when he was using me for sex during a breakup and he yelled at me while I was crying (after I found out he was still seeing other women), “I can fuck whoever I want!”
Also, when I asked him why he was lying about stalking his exes he responded, “The fact that you told me that you didn’t want me to made me want to do it more.” That was in the middle of our relationship. And I stayed! It’s hard to believe the things I accepted because I didn’t value myself and didn’t set firm boundaries about how others could treat me.
I hope for everyone here that we all find the strength, dignity and self love to WALK AWAY when any person treat us with such disrespect. Right away. Not weeks, months or years down the road. Anyone who does or says the horrible things to us that we have documented is a truly broken person and cannot love. We were fighting for something that would never be real. It was a fantasy in our heads.
I have been learning to forgive myself for not leaving him sooner. And all the other less toxic men that have been in my life. If you are here reading these articles and comments take pride in the fact that you have learned a lesson about learning to validate yourself. This dark time has caused you to look at who you are and how you can protect yourself in the future. This low point has made it possible for you to once and for all learn to heal from past traumas so that your life can become open to true happiness with deserving people – whether they are friends or lovers.
Elena
November 19, 2018 at 12:03 pmOh Zari–so accurate once again. “Narcspeak” is the best word you’ve come up with yet. Since my ex-narc was more the thieving type than cheater type (though I’m sure that happened”. I witnessed too many accounts of people whose eyes would light up around him. He could talk a great game and actually get people to even give him high value things they should not have.
But, one night at a restaurant (so he could make less of a scene than usual) I asked just how he felt ok by all his thefts and techniques. His truth snippet simply a smirk and to say “you find weak people and tell them what they want to hear”.
There were so many other snippets of truth over 9 years as well. Just takes that stepping away, less reactive emotion to their shit, and a listening ear. So hard to do in the moment.
As always, thanks for your great insight and writing.
cuckoo4cocopuffs
November 18, 2018 at 5:22 pmWhen you are involved with a N, it is like dancing with a cardboard doll – one sided, one dimensional and the best they can do is mirroring or repetition. Creativity is largely exclusive to keeping compartments and lives separate, getting adoration and applause + the inevitable discard – it won’t go towards the longevity or strength of a relationship. Once your N starts singing Long Tall Sally, Clementine will know her days are numbered. The shred of honesty is singing the praises of another woman.
Victim of a Narcissist
November 17, 2018 at 9:54 pmZari… I swear you must have been a fly on the wall. I live that shit daily. So… shit head decided to disappear in the middle of the night again (few weeks before that he went out all night for 2 nights in a row) while I was sleeping. When he finally rolled up at 9:30 am in the morning of course I slathered him with questions related to his whereabouts… he struggled for a moment and the said “I went to a hotel because I just needed to get out of there.” When I asked his reason for needing to get out of here… because you know of course I was asleep and we weren’t arguing prior to or while I was asleep… “So tell me again why you left?” He could not come up with a good enough rationale. Over the next few days, I begged for answers as to why he keeps ghosting me and giving me the silent treatment, all he kept saying was he was sorry and that it won’t happen again. So a little back story on the night he took off. We went out for a few drinks. Hit a couple of the local bars. I drink moderately when I am out but never to the point of blackout. I guess we left the bar at 11:00 pm because according to him I was falling all over the place after I did a ton of shots (I do a shot on occasion but not slinging them back as he would like me to believe). He said we walked home… Which according to him I walked home fine, was talking fine and was acting appropriately. After we got home, he said that we were sitting on the couch talking and I said I had to go the the bathroom. He said I was in there for quite a while so he assumed I was throwing up but there was no evidence of it and he didn’t see me doing it. But what he did see (according to him) I was sprawled out on the bathroom floor on my stomach with only my bra on and I was soaking wet. When I asked how I got wet and why I had no clothes on he said “I assumed you turned on the shower to wake yourself up.” Again, no evidence of that and he would have heard the shower because our apartment is tiny. He said he dried me off, got me dressed, put me to bed and then he went to McDonald’s and got us something to eat. Well according to him, I was throwing up in the other bathroom.when je went to get food but he never saw me doing it and there was no evidence of it either. So why McDonald’s when I am barfing? I do not remember anytime after 1 hour at the bar. We left at 11:00. The next thing I remember is waking up at 0300 am and he was gone. POOF! No where to be found. Of course I call and magically it goes to voicemail. Of course I went into full blown panic mode. I did find that my clothes that I went out in were wet. My hair was semi wet. I was so confused as to what happened and why did I not remember all of what I did that night? One thing I noticed was a big bruise on my chin and a bruise on my knee. He said later that he thought I fell off the toilet and hit the wall or the ground with my face and knee. Interesting to note, he told me his affair partner used to drug up her husband with Ambien so she could get of the house all night
to be with my husband and she would get home before him and the kids got up. That’s some sick shit! Continuing on… I asked him a few days later later if he drugged me or hurt me in anyway he said “No way! Do you really think I am capable of doing something like that? ” Case in point, he has never been violent towards me but lately his drinking has increased ten fold (he has PTSD) and the alcohol mixed with his meds makes him mean, withdrawn and kind of scary. Bad combination. He’s been a lot more aggressive in tone and such. Anyway, I was telling a few of my friends through messages that I thought he drugged me or did something to me to cause those injuries… while I was out of the house he got onto my iPad and read my messages. I got home and he was in a full on rage shouting “I want a divorce! I’ve been trying to tell you this for months now! You want to tell your friends that I drugged you and hurt you well FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! (simultaneously flipping me off). If you think that I am capable of that then we are done (super defensive).” I lost my shit and threatened to kill myself. He has pushed and pushed me. A few weeks ago he finally admitted he’s been cheating on me the whole time we have been together (14 years). He said I was a psycho, packed up his stuff and left. See… It wouldn’t be such a huge deal if it weren’t for the fact that we live in Japan. He is in the military. So he abandoned me and moved on base. I live off base. The scariest thing is a few days after this I was looking in the mirror and I noticed bruises underneath my biceps as if someone had grabbed me and left thumb prints. My theory… the night we came home from the bar… I was fine. We must have gotten into some kind of altercation and he grabbed me and I fell which knocked me semi unconcious or I got knocked out (hence, bruise on knee and chin) he panicked, put me in the shower to try to arouse me. I must have given him some clue that I was arousable and still breathing. He did as he had said which was dried me off and put me to bed. Went to get food (found a cheeseburger next to the bed) and once he thought I was going to be okay, he took off like a bat out of hell because he wanted to distance himself from the situation. So if I died, he could have said he was at a hotel and that I was drunk and passed out when he left. So, I think he went to be with his new girl I think he is seeing. As I said previously we got into a huge fight after I told my friends about my theory of being drugged by him. He spouted off divorce and when I asked the million dollar question “Why would you leave me in that state, not knowing if I am okay or not? I could have died of alcohol intoxication.” He screamed “I LEFT BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE YOU AND I DONT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU!! IS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER?!. (snippet of truth). I think he moved out because he knows what he did to me and he thinks I might be hot on the trail. He is putting all of it back on me to take the focus of his possible violence towards me. I have no proof. I am keeping documentation and photos. So, I am in a foreign country (have very few friends) left to pick up all pieces as usual. Meanwhile he’s telling me all about his new bachelor pad in the barracks. “It’s like an apartment. I have a bedroom and a kitchen.” He is an Officer so he gets the luxury room. Why just today he called to check on me Sunday but Saturday and night he was like a ghost. No word from him. I’m guessing he was with new girl. We will be leaving Japan in a few months to head back to the US. I will seek representation upon my return. I am older he is younger 13 years between us but no one can tell our age difference. He still acts 22 even though he is about to be 39. Zari…you are right on the money when you said they give us snippets. He’s been doing it all along but I failed to listen. I chose to look the other way. I guess I just didn’t want to believe that someone is so capable of being that destructive and psychologically and emotionally abusive. I know it’s for the best that he moved out but I feel abandoned even though he abandoned me long ago. I feel worthless and hopeless. I’m sure I will find a way to get through it but for now I am really struggling. Thanks for letting me post here friend.
Zari Ballard
November 17, 2018 at 11:40 pmHi Victim of a Narcissist,
Oh my sister, that is just awful! Come back to the states and start a new life! He is a complete jerk…yes, a shithead. A long time ago, I was an army wife for 7 years (he’s my son’s dad and another doozey) and he was an officer and a helicopter pilot too. I left a great life in Rhode Island and came to Tucson where I knew no one after knowing him three months. I should have known I’d made the wrong choice when he slapped me during the cross country trip to Arizona for no reason and, a day later (after a night of heavy drinking in New Orleans) I woke up in the back of the car in the Motel 6 parking lot and two of my toes were broken. Argghhhhh…..He was a cheater…all the officers and pilots were!
Don’t struggle, girlfriend… Get a game plan in your head. Keep it a secret. It’s going to be okay. Stay focused and stop “reacting” because that’s what he wants. Try to keep the peace until you leave. Write people or call people, get ready to come home. You can do this!! I am here to support you….oxoxoxoxo
Shelly
November 17, 2018 at 8:50 pmMy ex told me several different times throughout our relationship and marriage that he was “broken” and “coudn’t be fixed”, boy was he right! He also let out once after a long weekend trip to hell and back (His behavior was atrocious) that he was a great actor and that 90% of his behavior had been faked! He’d had a stroke at a young age many years before that left him with short term memory issues and some other stuff, said he was getting worse and that his brain must have a tumor in it again, hence the trip to see yet another doctor in another state, but really it all was faked and he was just looking for attention!
Zari Ballard
November 17, 2018 at 11:26 pmHi Shelly,
Your story reminds me of another story told to me of a narc who behaved horribly for years with his girlfriend and they broke up – actually, he disappeared. So, he comes strolling back a year later to tell her that he lost his memory in a car accident and found her number in his phone and it jogged a memory of HER but not of the relationship and he was wondering if they could start over! These people are nuts.lol
And yup, he told you the truth when he said he was a great actor!!! Snippets of Truth! They were always there!
Zari:)
Rosie
November 17, 2018 at 7:03 pmThe ex bragged to me early in our relationship that he could trick anybody into trusting him, oh how I wish I had RUN and never looked back as soon as he said that! But I didn’t understand what was happening. Guess he tricked me too.
Zari Ballard
November 17, 2018 at 11:21 pmHi Rosie,
Ah yes! That was a snippet of truth! lol If only we BELIEVED the narcs when they say it. Instead, we think “But I’m sure that doesn’t apply to ME!” and off we go….live and learn!
Zari:)
Bridget
November 17, 2018 at 5:20 pmMy ex N husband used to walk around our home whistling and singing ” Oh My Darling Clementine”. 3 months after I moved out (2 weeks after our divorce trial) he posted his “new” relationship status with his “new” girlfriend on Facebook. Her name? CLEMENTINE. I almost threw up.