Narcissists may be pathological liars but there will be those times when, feeling boxed in, the narcissist will toss out what I call a snippet of truth. It would behoove us to believe these snippets of truth when we are privileged to hear them but we never do. For some odd reason, we choose to believe the pathological lie when the snippet of truth is typically the statement that lays out the narcissist’s relationship agenda. We embrace plausible deniability – as absurd as that always is – even when the narcissist’s true “feelings” are brought to the table.
If you’ve ever screamed, “All I want is the truth!” at a narcissist, you understand the frustration that comes from such a conversation. However, despite our demands for honestly, it’s likely that truth is actually not what we desire to hear and so we choose instead to let the snippets fall to the wayside. We wallow in the mindset of cognitive dissonance. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make because even the most outwardly benign snippet typically crosses the boundaries of respect (if we had them in place). Just one brutal snippet of truth can bring justification for leaving the relationship.
Now, in order to define a snippet of truth, I’ll start by telling you what it is not. A snippet of truth is not the same as, say, the truth revealed when a narcissist accuses us of doing exactly what it is that he or she is doing. The latter “truth” is typically something we figure out later…usually as we’re curled up in a fetal position trying to make sense of the narcspeak. In that moment, we realize that of course we’re not cheating on the narc so therefore the narc must be cheating on us because this is how a twisted narcissist works. And we’re right! But to master this particular discovery method takes practice and discipline because we first must stop reacting and just listen. The narcissist’s accusatory words always tell us what we need to know about what he or she is doing. The accusations, however, must be translated and, thus, aren’t snippets of truth.
A snippet of truth is also different from the truth revealed when the narcissist says one thing (“Oh, that girl? I can’t stand her.”) and actually means the exact opposite (“Oh, that girl? You mean the one I want to fuck?”). I call this narcissistic backmasking. Anyone who has ever heard of playing a song in reverse to hear hidden messages knows what I mean here. The narcissist’s backmasking statement is typically conversational and not accusatory at all and, consequently, we usually pass it off as boring narcspeak…but it is anything but. Again, to decipher truth this way takes mental energy we usually don’t have and much time can pass before we realize that all we have to do is reverse the meaning of narcissist’s words in real time to get to the bottom of anything. Wow.
Yes, a snippet of truth is none of the above. When a narcissist screams out a snippet of truth, there is nothing to think about and no reflection is needed. The truth is out there – waved in our face – and all we have to do is believe it. Unlike accusing us of what he or she is doing and saying the opposite of what they really mean, snippets of truth don’t happen very often. The aforementioned behaviors happen all the time, causing us to become desensitized and we choose to look the other way. A snippet of truth is usually blurted out in such a way that even the narcissist is surprised!
For example, I can recall a time when, in the middle of a phone fight about God knows what, my ex suddenly screamed, “I just want to do what I want to do!” and hung up. I remember looking at the receiver and saying, “Well, okay then. Thanks for telling me.” Another time, early on and before the first discard, he casually provided the most important snippet of truth ever by saying I can take you or leave you. This snippet, I now believe, was spoken on behalf of all narcissists everywhere because this is how they think.
Our relationship with a narcissist is not nearly as important to the narcissist as we think it is. So, a more truthful snippet has never been told. A narcissist can take us or leave us without blinking an eye. The relationship simply doesn’t matter. This particular snippet haunted me for years because 1) he never apologized for the few times he said it, and 2) I knew in my heart that he was telling me the truth. I just didn’t want to believe it. And so the years went on.
Others snippets from my ex:
Oh yeah? Well, I’ll just fuck someone else and tell her what she wants to hear. [He was telling the truth, of course, because this is what he did in all his relationships – me included. He told people what they wanted to hear in the moment and then did the opposite. When is this ever acceptable?]
My conscience is clear. [Considering all I knew about my ex and with all he had done to me and to his family, the fact that he had a clear conscience should have horrified me.]
I don’t have any feelings either way. [His reply when I asked him to explain how he could just disappear for months at a time, hurting me and my son so badly.]
I don’t believe in feeling guilty. [This is true of all narcissists. And they mean it!]
I just figured I could do what I want and you’ll still take me back. [Unfortunately, he was right.]
The following statements were those I recognized instantly as snippets of truth in the stories told to me by partner’s or ex-partners of narcissists:
You definitely love me more than I love you.
I know I’m supposed to give a shit but I don’t.
Nothing you say means anything to me.
I’m not even sure if I miss you.
I’m like a salesman. I sell myself.
You can’t change me so don’t even try.
I know I’m an asshole…so why do you stay?
Immediately following a snippet, the narcissist’s facial reaction to his own truth telling is typically either one of surprise (who said that?) or smug defiance (there! I said it!) or the first followed immediately by the second. Either way, we need to pay attention. He or she may be surprised but we certainly shouldn’t be.
A snippet of truth is usually very hurtful and this is why we ignore it. We demand the truth but don’t want to hear it. The narcissist discovers this about us early on and takes advantage. In the narcissists mind, it’s not his fault if we get hurt. After all, he did tell us, right?
In all situations in life, we have to learn to recognize the truth. On the surface, a snippet of truth may seem unimportant or superficial in the big picture but we’re talking about narcissists here. Once in awhile, they do mean what they say. If we have the right boundaries in place, we would never allow such disrespect. We must learn to create and commit to boundaries…it is our only protection against emotional predators – even those that we claim to love. If we listen for snippets of truth in the narcissist’s word garbage, logical reasons for leaving this person will be revealed.
What snippets of truth have you been told by a narcissistic partner? Please share in the comments below:)
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Sharon
February 17, 2019 at 1:02 pmHi Zari:
Just found your site today. Very helpful, thank you. Eight months post break up, and I am still going through an emotional roller coaster, on and off. The cognizant dissonance becomes overwhelming at times. His love-bombing was quite effective on me. He dropped plenty of truth bombs, which I initially dismissed. This was before I understood that, I was being placed on a proving ground, dropped dead center into a dangerous mind-game that I didn’t know I was playing, competing with him, without knowing the rules, which were constantly changing anyway, none of which I asked for, nor agreed to. It’s still too bizarre to contemplate, and it makes my head and heart hurt to think about it.
“All I know how to do is win, Sharon.” (He wasn’t lying in a sense, although I consider him the real loser)
“I’m really a big baby, and you need to learn how to reign me in.” (When I confronted him and told him that he is a Narcissist, he didn’t deny it. He laughed, and sneered at me,”So what? So are YOU!”)
The last phone conversation we had, left my blood running cold, and gave me nightmares for weeks. The cognizant dissonance was agonizing. I could not reconcile these words with the man that I had fallen in love with, the one who swore he was in love with me, and wanted to marry me. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. These were truth bombs that I didn’t see coming, and I absolutely believe this is the most honest he ever was with me. This is how it went:
“I’m crazy, you know this, right, Sharon?” (No, I didn’t know, but now I do) Followed by, “I’m an evil person.” (Again, I now know this to be true) Followed by a graphic, step-by-step narration about how he wanted to murder his siblings, and just how he would go about accomplishing this.
This man is stuck in juvenile mode emotionally. I was REALLY tired of hearing the same stories from his childhood, over and over and over again. He is paranoid, double-minded, a pathological liar, a womanizer, and quite adept at convincing himself that he is none of these things. It’s quite scary how he operates. Like a reptile, he is indeed a very skilled predator, in constant, self-preservation mode. I became the enemy because he allowed me to get close to him, and to love him. This is when they push you away. It eventually became a daily, dizzying game of, “he loves me, he loves me not.” I was sick to my stomach with anxiety 24/7, walking on egg shells.
He actually attempted to teach me how to lie, without lying. He told me about when one of his female friends from childhood called him up, telling him that she had heard that he was in the city, meaning his home town, where he grew up. He was not in that city. He wasn’t even in the country! He told her that, “Yes, I am in the city.” He justified doing this by telling me that, it wasn’t really a lie, because technically, he was in the city, just not the city she thought he was in. So twisted. Textbook case of mind-fuckery at it’s best (or worst?).
I do believe a lot of what he told me regarding his traumatic childhood is true. There’s got to be some rhyme or reason for how dysfunctional he is? I would love to speak to his siblings, and hear their side of the story. He accused them of trying to pry into his mental health history, of stealing money from his mother, of a lot of things, which makes me wonder just what he did? You know what they say, “There are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.” However, I won’t ask anyone anything. I want no part of this episode of my past. I only want to learn my lessons, and move forward. I want him OUT of my head and heart, period, but I have not yet reached the point of indifference emotionally. I need to obtain neutrality, and it’s painfully slow-going!
Thomas Nelson
January 13, 2019 at 8:52 pmWe had a fight after she was unashamedly flirting with her coworkers husband. She told me she was out and that she could do better than me. She then repeated this statement.
She told me several times that she couldn’t promise me anything. Lastly, she told me she couldn’t give me what I wanted. I was with her for 9 months and this started less than 3 months in, maybe sooner. I probably pretended not to hear anything before that. It has been about 90 days and I feel worse now than I did a month after the discard.
Amanda Cragg
January 13, 2019 at 2:01 pm“it means more to you than it does to me”. “We broke up so many times, I’m sure that I couid do what I wanted”.
tavi
January 11, 2019 at 12:16 amMy son is the son of a narcissist. He is honest to a fault. He was overly apologetic, self critical, and the first to take the blame and or attribute his father’s condemnations and criticisms of him as being his own fault. He doesn’t lie and he is known to be an intelligent and well mannered child with an unusual capacity to empathize and embrace others.
Amazing that even after all this time and all the research I’ve done I’m still starting my comment by defending my child even before I begin….
I should know better by now… I thought I KNEW better by now..
I guess I’m still not over this hell …
Here’s a snippet of “truth”:
I’ve been reporting disturbing sexually abusive behavior for over 12 years to the gods who compel me to rely and depend on them in order to protect my child from you know what. None of these gods of authority or the “advocates” who raise tens of millions of dollars in MY name (I am the people they are claiming to be helping with their HOTLINES and the other PROGRAMS that are supposed to assist ME and my young son) have taken ANY steps or made ANY effort to investigate or explore my reports and complaints beyond typing them down and filing them away. The gods of authority didn’t, haven’t, and aren’t asking my son’s father to explain or to defend himself. They’ve enabled him.
12 years of disturbing behavior behind us, my son told me recently that his father deliberately left porn on his ipad for him to see on shared devices while in his custody. My son also told me (and his therapist) that he was pressured into watching while his father perused degrading dating websites depicting naked women in sexually explicit poses on more than several occasions.
PORN
I confronted the Narc via e-mail. He ignored me until I threatened to fax my concerns to his law firm’s main fax number.
His response consisted of one word:
He said my son’s version was “inaccurate”.
This is true. Snippet of truth. If my son claims his father perused the degrading Asian dating website before he watched his father shop for naked Russian women….and… got the two mixed up chronologically, my son’s version would indeed by “inaccurate”. Snippet of truth that cannot be refuted. My son’s memory isn’t photographic. “Inaccurate” can be applied to most anything.
The lawyer who made my son watch and participate at age 10 thru 11 while he surfed the net for naked women in degrading and sexually explicit poses is the text book of Narcs. He doesn’t date. Never dates. No friends. No hobbies. No interests. He’s a 55 year old man who peruses porn with a 10 year old.
This is a snippet of truth.
I e-mailed the SVU Detective assigned to another matter involving my son’s father’s conducts, twice.
I left her a phone message.
I texted our DHS caseworker twice. She was called in to investigate by my son’s school counselor after meeting with my son for a brief time.
I asked them to tell me what to do.
Snippet of truth:
It doesn’t matter in the end. No one cares to hear from children until they are harmed beyond repair.
None of the god of child abuse prevention have afforded me a response.
Zari Ballard
January 31, 2019 at 7:17 pmDear tavi,
I’ve been reporting disturbing sexually abusive behavior for over 12 years to the gods who compel me to rely and depend on them in order to protect my child from you know what. None of these gods of authority or the “advocates” who raise tens of millions of dollars in MY name (I am the people they are claiming to be helping with their HOTLINES and the other PROGRAMS that are supposed to assist ME and my young son) have taken ANY steps or made ANY effort to investigate or explore my reports and complaints beyond typing them down and filing them away. The gods of authority didn’t, haven’t, and aren’t asking my son’s father to explain or to defend himself. They’ve enabled him.
This is a horrible situation and I am so sorry. I believe you 100%…….listen, what you wrote above confirms for me what I have been learning about the so-called government agencies that have been put in place to “help children”. To me, the INTENTION of these agencies is THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Child Protective Services is one of the most corrupt agencies on the planet. They are given monetary incentives to remove children from the home and everyone is in on it. This is why children are taken from perfectly good homes and left in the homes of abusers (like your ex). There are so many things I have learned about these agencies and about the satanic people who run them and there are other things involved as well that I can’t go into here. I wish I had an answer for you or at least knew more about your story. If you like, you can email me through the Contact Me page on this website or continue to post here.
The reason that the god of child abuse prevention hasn’t responded is because it isn’t anything close to a “god” that is in charge. Narcissists run the planet, sister. All we can learn to do is mitigate and try to stay ahead. I believe your son is telling you the absolute TRUTH and I also believe that the caseworkers are very well aware of what you have told them about your ex and THEY ARE OKAY WITH IT and, I dare say, encourage it. Read between the lines. This is what we are dealing with. Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are a wonderful mom.
Zari xo
Sal
December 27, 2018 at 12:26 pmAnd now I am remembering the several times she said “I’ll bet I would have been great at a career in the sex industry.”
Zari Ballard
January 12, 2019 at 11:30 pmHi Sal, yes…that was a big snippet of truth!
Sal
December 27, 2018 at 12:05 pmthe one which tore it for me, and which was said twice in the same conversation in the span of about 5 minutes was “One of these days I am going to tell you what I really think of you.” Only took 15 years and 8 break ups for me to take the hint. This is the last one I promise me.
Zari Ballard
January 12, 2019 at 11:33 pmHi Sal…..it took me 13 years and 30 break-ups….I think we’re about even. Amazing, isn’t it?
BAN
December 16, 2018 at 6:49 ami came home from work one night and my partner of ten years had left a note and moved all of her things out. I had absolutely no clue that this was going to happen. I supported her through a lot of stressful times and this was just a complete surprise. I had repeatedly asked her to talk about things but she never wanted to do so. Her note said “this is not open for discussion “. She blocked my calls and texts. I sent her a few email but of course no response… she told me “face it…people come and go in our lives”. Isn’t that a horrible way to treat someone? There were other hurtful things she said on the last day I saw her. I am heartbroken and having physical symptoms of shaking a lot…I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD…is there anything you can tell me that can help a little?