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An excerpt from Zari Ballard’s book When Love Is a Lie:
A narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda is a phrase that I coined relevant to the undeniable fact that every narcissist we will ever meet or read about treats their partners the exact same way. And if I do say so myself, I haven’t read or heard a phrase that explains it any better.
Now, certainly I could refer to the narcissistic behaviors I speak of as symptomatic of the borderline personality disorder because I know this to be true as well. However, since I don’t appreciate having to give a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath any way out or excuse to hide behind, I prefer to call it by exactly what it is – a pathological agenda meant to destroy the identity and soul of the recipient.
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What the N does is deliberately manipulate every possible situation so that he fully dominates our thought process. This, in and of itself, is the most frustrating part of narcissistic relationship agenda. It’s incredibly hard to live our lives when half of our brain is focused on this one individual. We can never quite relax in our own mind because the N is always plotting and then implementing ways to keep us unbalanced and insecure. This is his plan for us – the most essential part of his relationship agenda – and he, too, is very good at what he does.
The narcissist’s relationship agenda is his modus operandi for living. He has no other choice but to fulfill the requirements of the agenda to the best of his ability or life, as he knows it, will be far from worth living. Keep in mind that since the narcissist is completely void of human emotion, he must create emotion (i.e. suffering) in others to get his fix. Now, as I stated earlier, this agenda being part of the narcissist’s borderline personality disorder does not make it okay, it just makes it what it is. We don’t have to accept it or adhere to it or allow the narcissist’s determination to fulfill it get in the way of our lives – but we do. The more we do this, the better he feels about himself and his miserable, empty life.
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You see, any relationship where one partner is a narcissist will never get better because the N likes it just the way it is. His plan…his relationship agenda from day one, is always clear in his mind and that is to keep his long-time lover, girlfriend, or wife – as his main source of supply – in a heightened state of anxiety. In fact, the person who is his main source is actually secondary in his life to his multiple primary sources – that is, the other women, men, and extracurricular dalliances he plays with on the side. Yup, that’s right – his main squeeze in not even the most important one but rather the most convenient because the effort to keep this person in the game is so minimal. The narcissist knows that invoking a good, hearty silent treatment every so often will keep his partner in line, condition her passive-aggressively according to the agenda, and buy himself time to tend to his other relationships. Sad, but true. With that system in place, the N happily gets what he wants from life – a big piece of sugary cake and all the time in the world to eat it.
Don’t ever forget that when the narcissist’s partner suffers, he wins. Why? Because, according to the narcissist’s relationship agenda, our suffering is the narcissist’s reward for a job well done.
If you enjoyed this excerpt of When Love Is a Lie, click here to get the full version!
Star
July 29, 2016 at 2:45 pmHi Zari,
This was the most enlightening information I have read in my life. I feel it was God sent that I found your site. Reading all this is like removing a veil off my eyes.
Thank you so much!
Star
Zari Ballard
August 4, 2016 at 6:06 pmHi Star…thank YOU for stopping by and I’m grateful that you are finding the info that you need to recover!….Zari xo
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2016 at 5:35 pmHi Judy,
I’m working on an article right now about how to handle the smear campaign. Believe it or not, when they’re talking smack to everyone and anyone, this is when OUR silence has the most impact. Look for the article to be up in the next couple of days:)
The fact that he’s still there with you….we know that’s no good. Consider booking a consult with me so that we can hash this out. Enough is enough already. It’s time to change your perspective so that you can better see through his contrived “I’m sorrys” and mind fuckery. There’s no time like the present to start mentally breaking free from the nonsense.
Zari xo
Zari xo
bob evans
March 21, 2016 at 9:17 amI found this excerpt very very useful and informative to those who have not yet defined situations and people like this. BUT I found it very sexist. Every time she is describing the narc (“N”) it’s “him”, “his”, “he”. The reason I bring it up is because I’ve been in a few relationships where I have been victim to “N’s” and I am straight, so all women yes, yet, I have not really ever met any men or have ever heard of men who have the time to go through this being in a relationship (I imagine a serial killer); other than meeting people, guys and girls who seem to have borderline personality disorder. And ‘Stop Spinning, Star Breathing’? Is this just for women? The photo of the woman’s face and “When love is a lie” – the guys hand grabbing the girls? Wtf? I’ve never had or been offered any help or have heard about some guy write a book for men on N’s that are women. Or have heard about a book detaiing women as the main issue – I would find it offensive to women and not want to read it. I think it would be more appropriate to use “them”, “their”, “he or she”, “his or her”, unless you don’t want me to buy the book and I do like the excerpt (it helped me realize N’s intentions) but there is no character referred to, no situation, no example, just the guy is the villain. Help guys out too, unless the defense in this book for women against N is to become the N and attack vulnerable guys and leave the real problem at hand and start a new one. My name isn’t really Bob Evans and I didn’t read anyone else’s comments.
Zari Ballard
April 4, 2016 at 4:37 pmHi Bob,
There’s nothing sexist about my site or my work…in fact, I’ve written a book specifically for the guys about the female narcissist called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. In addition, there’s an article here entitled To Male Victims of Female Narcissistic Partners that expresses my apologies for the lack of support on the internet and in general for guys who suffer what I believe is a far worse fate that the female victim. Female narcs are the worst of the worst.
As for the obvious reference to the male gender, I write from my own 13-year experience so it’s easy for me to write from the female perspective. Where I can, I will often use terms like he/she, her/him, his/hers, but the truth is that to do this consistently in every article disrupts the flow of the content. Men who visit this site often know this and, believe me, there are hundreds of comments by men here (especially under that article link).
So, I understand your frustration but I hope you know now that it is never my intention to leave the guys out of the loop. In my view, narcissist abuse recovery is a team effort for all of us and this is a community of support. Write anytime, Bob, and I am here to support you!
Zari:)
Naon
March 1, 2016 at 7:46 amYour articles have saved me from yet another ride on the heartbreak train with a narcissist. My father was a narcissist, and it seems that its the only personality type I’ve been attracted to my whole life. I was married to a narcissist and though we only actually lived together 3.5 years, it took me about 15 years to quit obssessing over the WHY of it all. I loved him so much and yet I turned into this needy, whiney, insecure, suspicious individual – everything he told me I was.
25 year later, I reconnected with a guy I went to High School with and immediately fell hard for him. Long story short, I was off balance all the time, always jealous over the other people he talked about and the inconsistencies in his stories, never knew when I would see him again, and was completely seduced by his talk of “our future” together. He had a travelling job (perfect for an N!) and there were many times I’d just lose contact with him and he always had a reason why. My sister was the one who asked me if I knew what a Narcissist was and I did not. I started reading everything I could find on the internet and discovered that my boyfriend was a classic N. Scarey and sad but oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you! I set myself free – no explanation, no discussion, and though I’ve received multiple texts and about 20 emails from him since, I delete every one of them and am going no contact for the rest of my life. I must admit it is the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time and I’m often tempted to go back and read those emails that are sitting in my deleted box “just to see what he’s feeling”. So, when I am weak, I spend another hour or two reading everything I can find on N behaviors to remind myself that I just narrowly escaped another 15 years of feeling bad about myself and wondering WHY. This relationship lasted all of five months and I feel VERY proud of that. Thanks so much for a needed education.l
Zari Ballard
March 15, 2016 at 1:32 pmHi Naon,
All we can do is stay educated and keep moving forward. We simply can’t change these people so at some point we just have to stop trying. I hope and pray that you are still going strong and staying away from the narc in your life. Bravo to your sister for bringing it to your attention!
As for the fact that you feel you keep meeting them, the deal is that there are MILLIONS of them everywhere – and especially online at all the dating and social sights. I’ve come to the conclusion that it will be rare that we recognize them off the bat because they are so good at…well…being narcissists. All we can do is look for the red flags and nip it in the bud early. We can’t walk around being suspicious of everyone we meet…we just have to be confident that we will recognize the signs and do as you did the minute that we do.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Richard
February 9, 2016 at 11:14 amHi. Looking for some advice on what happens next…my story: I think I got lucky…I fell for a woman who I now see fits all the traits of a Narcissist , and very malignant one at that (from looking back over 5 years I knew her, and what she has done since)….when she lost her condo in September 15 I need help with three teenagers who were living with me for the semester…so she presented herself as perfect step mom and happy to help. But my time, attention, and money were split between her and the three kids. By December, she took off and only came back in January when I demanded she either come back or put her stuff in storage, signing for the storage unit.as well. That’s when I saw the result of narcissitic injury I had unknowingly inflicted…the pure RAGE and blame game she played…and the gas lighting attempts….she morphed from a woman I loved….the perfect partner…into the woman who fits every single description of a female narcissist….to include me seeing the triangulation using me against her prior boyfriend and the girl she ran off with now. So….my luck was I deprived the narcissist of supply without even knowing it, created abandonment fears…and drove her off all within 2 months of her moving in..and the devaluation/discard happened after she left… Problem is, I still have her stuff at house and storage unit is full. She is in new apartment with this “Girlfriend” (my now ex gf is 39, new girl is 24 and completely brainwashed now). I know she has total control of new girl, whom she has been grooming for a year and a half, she has profiles up on sugar daddy sites, and she is giving me the silent treatment after suddenly going from raging texts to fairly calm conversation. And making jabs on FB. So……What I don’t know is what to expect next….will she try and hoover back to me…just to get her stuff? Will she abandon her stuff to avoid dealing with me? Should I break the silence to find out or just wait? She knows I care deeply for her…I’ve told her that…but she also knows she can’t gaslight me and push me around unrestricted like she can the new girl….I gave her til 1 April to get her stuff….and give me my phone back. Any guesses? If she were normal I’d say she would just come get her stuff in a Uhaul….but she’s not normal…..Thanks
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2016 at 5:54 pmHi Richard,
Thank you for sharing and you and I have now had a long phone conversation about everything that happened and potentially could happen with this situation. I look forward to getting an update when and if it all comes down! You’re an awesome person!
Regards,
Zari
Pete
November 30, 2015 at 4:20 pmI just finished reading Zari’s book, “When Love is a Lie.” I see several items within the book that my now, ex-wife, used throughout our relatively short term marriage. Her behavior took me by complete surprise. It began very subtlety with “gaslighting.” She tried to convince me I was losing my memory or had the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. She even shed the proverbial tears, minus the snotty nose. I was 50 years old at the time and a recently retired law enforcement officer. ( So, this can and does happen to just about anybody)
As things progressed she would say things such as, “it is too bad we did not meet when we were younger: we would have had wonderful children together.” Ultimately, she “insisted” I go find us a “retirement home” as I retired on an injury and she had planned on piggybacking on my retirement when she turned 59.5 years old. I found a “retirement home” on a private, peaceful secluded, beautiful 5 acres. It was a mere hour from the home we were living in and I owned. She told me, “If you sell this home, I will come live with you as a wife should ( especially when married less than 2 years).and commute an hour each way to work, until I retire. I sold the home in a mere 3 days. She responded by telling me she had leased an apartment across town, “because the commute was just too much for her.” She continued to come see me on weekends for about a year. The entire time, she always “acted” like she missed me so much etc. One day I casually mentioned that her alarm system, which she had transferred from my house to her apartment, was providing me with a manifest of her “ingress and egress” times. She went beserk. I did not understand why. Well, as time usually does, it told me why. She was seeing another man and when she turned off her alarm to let him in and reset it, she was concerned I would see that. She ultimately told me she is going to spend a week in Martha’s Vineyard..to collect her thoughts. ( vacations alone or with relatives are red flags) I told her that I knew she was not going there alone. She adamantly insisted otherwise. She disappeared for a week….no contact. Upon her return, she called and I really pushed her as to who she had gone to Martha’s vineyard with. She lied and lied and lied. Finally, she admitted she had gone with a “male friend she had known for years.” I served her divorce papers and she tried everything she could to get me to reconsider. I held fast. Ultimately, she admitted she had moved from “our home” to an apartment, because she knew she could not entertain her new friend, without the neighbor’s asking me who the new guy is. As the book states..they lie incessantly, minimize what they did when they are cornered and constantly take a discussion and turn it into a twisted mass of confusion and chaos that leaves the victim wondering, “Did that really happen, because I don’t remember it that way.” It heads the victim down the path of insanity, as the victim is constantly trying to recall what he or she cannot recall..because it never happened. Does any of this sound familiar? I wondered for over a year what was wrong with me, with her, with us. The entire time she was writing how much she missed and loved me and had found God. Oddly enough, the man she cheated with had found God as well. She was recently “bragging” about how they were both in pre-marital counseling and had signed a, “purity contract.”
( A little late for that, but what the hell..I guess) So, you are not alone and I now realize my part in this was simply being a caring, loving husband to a person who spoke the words, but had NO actions that validated the words spoken. Very tricky, conniving, manipulative people. I have forgiven her, because that is what I am trained to do. Having stated that, I will not forget what she did to me. I suggest YOU do the same, as forgiving somebody is so we can move forward, not so they can. Go about your life…these vampires cannot be fixed, despite the fact it hurts you to the core that YOU cannot fix them. Trust me, I have “fixed” many people and those afflicted with this disorder cannot be fixed. They will however make your life a living hell on earth. (They enjoy it) Hope this helps those of you in deep emotional pain. I know how bad you are hurt. You will survive!
sonja bogan
September 10, 2015 at 1:01 pmI was married to on for over twenty-five years and when I said “I do”, I was
a horror and I kept trying to make me better but when I started to stand for
me and my belief. Thank you so much even after he divorced me and kids I
was still trying to fix me, thinking he might want me over his harem which he openly flaunts in my and adult children’s face.