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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.
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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.
For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.
For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.
No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.
It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
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Daryan Josche MacDonnell
November 6, 2017 at 10:09 amChange him/he In your document because f’ing woman do this too! I’m dealing with this now and my heart goes out to anyone that has or had to ever deal with this shit, man or woman
Zari Ballard
November 12, 2017 at 10:57 pmHi Daryan,
You obviously didn’t read this article that I wrote specifically for the guys. This blog is based on my experience with a boyfriend so therefore I’m going to write it the way I see it. In the aforementioned article I actually apologize for this because I truly sympathize with the guys. Female narcs have their counterpart beat hands down in the evil department and I get this. So, I am sorry for the him/her dynamic but that is only due to the fact that it’s my experience that I write about and not because I don’t see women as a narcissistic culprit.
Zari:)
Renee Keller
October 29, 2017 at 10:06 pmI finally hired an attorney to file my first divorce after being married 14 years and with him for 19. Six weeks later and my attorney has not filed anything yet. My biggest issue that I’m seeking input on is how to get him to move out even though he refuses and I can’t legally force him to leave? This is not normal and I’m not crazy – the nice advice from friends and family doesn’t work in this scenario.
Here are some key points then I’m sure his ‘cookie cutter shape’ will be obvious.
-More Covert Type Narc who prides himself on his job’s success and colleagues praising him. Recently found he has multiple accounts on dating websites and yeah, seeing the forest from the trees now.
-Has an out of state girlfriend for the last 18 months where he was her boss and they traveled every week together. She knew all about me from the onset but she proceeded to get a divorce last year and turned to him all day – every day. They are two peas in a pod (she has three little kids – he sucks as a dad to our two kids ages 14 and 7). I’ve read text messages and had to stop so I can start healing. It’s sick how she yearns for him and they have lots of ‘insider jokes’; all helpful for me to see him for what he is.
-He found out I took a chunk of money from our checking account per my attorney’s instructions two weeks ago and was pissed.
-That same week he researched the amount he was going to pay me; he sent me multiple messages asking why the attorney hasn’t filed anything yet. He has not hired an attorney nor plans to do so.
-He wiped out our savings this past year.
-AND here’s the kicker! He reported to me that he was “downsized’ from his job a few days ago and “we need to play nice so go put all that money back into our checking account”. Sure, I’ll get right on that! Not!!!! I don’t know what happened except that he is not receiving another paycheck and was terminated that day. I asked him and he yelled at me for stressing him out and my vibe is too negative then proceeded to hang up on me. (I found out he flew to his girlfriend’s that night but he text me he was stranded at airport).
My 14 yo daughter has known about the girlfriend since last September thanks to jabber mouth talking about how great she is and her kids are great too. She shared this with me for the first time last week. She is so uncomfortable in our house now and can’t sleep because ‘he doesn’t belong here’. She would never ever say that to him. I let her stay at her friends often – that’s not the life I want for her! My 7 yo son is emotionally and energy sensitive and does not sleep if I’m not home. The school social worker is helping him at school because he struggles with regulation emotions. My parents live close and are involved daily with the kids and helping me. He stays with them often too.
I have to pay the mortgage and other necessities but my goal is to get the house on the market! In the meantime, this weird sick facade of a man sleeps on my couch and refuses to leave. I’ve encouraged him – I raged at him and told him to get the F out! NOTHING! UGH! I limited my talk and have gone as grey rock as possible. My savings will cover about three months of expenses but fortunately we live in a sought out community where houses have been selling in 3 days to a few weeks. It’s overwhelming to get the house ready while I work full-time. I just want him out and to get on with my new life!
Thank you for taking the time to share your input,
Rachel
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2017 at 4:04 pmWell, girl, I will tell you what I know from the women that I speak with who are doing exactly what you are doing – filing for divorce. Normally, what happens first is a letter is sent to the narc stating the basics, that you are filing, blah blah. You can eve state in that letter that you request exclusive use of the house until final decision. Something like that. THEN the next thing that comes is the actual filing or petition. The letter is supposed to get him out and give him time to hire an attorney. I think he would have 7 or 10 days. Believe me, all of them have had to push the lawyer to keep moving along. You basically have to stay on top of it. Let me know what has happened since you wrote this post…
Zari:)
Astrid
October 27, 2017 at 12:18 pmI just listened to your book on audio – and wow! I’m in a deep sea of trying to get a life ‘back’ that I never even had. I was gaslighted from my very first breathe unfortunately. I’m 43 and only recently discovered a LOT of the cause of my own messedupness came from horrid trauma brought on by two narcissistic parents (mom the aggressor, key controller), dad the passive aggressive but still HARMFUL, and most sad to me now is a 40 yr old younger brother who is so messed up- his behavior actually shows signs of deeper sociopathic behavior – like Crazy out of this world no rational human would ever do let alone twist up a further out of this world story to justify/normalize it. My parents of course, always would also normalize this just CRAZY he did, to me- bc it maintained ‘the family.’ The level of inner turmoil I am now discovering (that i knew was there, I just thought as I was told all my life, it was because I was a bad person and a problem soul) makes me want to vomit most days. It’s hard to even look at it- at the same time, looking at it is moving me toward healing- although where I am today is pure hell. I literally woke up 3 weeks ago and discovered my entire life was a lie. EVERYTHING – every thought, perception, sense of shame and no one would ever accept me for me, all my anxiety from this (and seeing how bad this really is), so many behavioral tendencies, a past life as a wild child where I self medicated after going numb in my mid twenties in a world where NO ONE and NOTHING had ever been there to that point to tell me I was okay and they were terrible evil people who weren’t capable of anything to help me grow up to be a healthy functioning and responsible member of society. No encouragement- ever. No hugs, no love, nothing. My extended family on both sides is also this (also was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather and was treated like a bad egg for ‘splitting up family’ when this came out in my childhood) way- so I literally had nothing to give me a barometer reading until I started to figure it out at age 39 that something was really wrong, although it wasn’t until 3 weeks ago the actual core of it was identified. At 43, I feel overwhelmed. I’m a single mom to a wonder 7 year old I want desperately to change all this for. I work, maintain a home, a 1st grader, and now I have to deal with this blow without falling apart bc if I do, everything else does for my family. I’m paralyzed in so many ways.
Then (thanks a lot Zari ????) a further blow yesterday in listening to your book and realizing a dating relationship where I loved for the first time ever, that destroyed me when things that once again defied human logic happened. That was an almost unbearable agony when that blew up (although the hovering is apparently still occurring) bc it dredged up ALL arhat deep childhood pain as well when once again- I was just this ‘horrible and too maladjusted person’ and shouldn’t date. Wow- didn’t see that coming after my feelings, and a beginning where he was the best thing and most supportive person to ever walk into my life. So – of course with my already peanut small sense of self – I owned it as ‘all me.’ I knew it was from family abuse- but I was too defective. Like literally, I went through the ‘am I a narc???’ When I first stumbled into this and saw some of the behaviors in me, so I took the narc quiz- many times- each time scoring like a 1-5 (below even a ‘healthy’ human) bc apparently my identity had been so marginalized, probably also a sense of NOT EVER wanting to be like them so I couldn’t even allow any self thought, AND becoming the people pleaser as that was the only way to make my life (relatively) peaceful.
As I write this, I’m a leper to my entire family. I went NC in May before I even knew what that was, or Crazy words like gaslighting, flying monkeys, hovering. Words that to the outside world- are CRAZY and sound like fiction. Until you realize these words are so perfect bc your world, story, and person truly came from a parallel universe. My mother and brother went to extended family to tell them I was awful, a Christian hypocrite, in need of deep professional help, loads of prayers for my sanity, oh and that my church of 3000 members is apparently an evil cult that did some sort of mental trickery and caused me to turn my back on my family. So add to my spot today, the hurt I’ve felt in making a hard decision like leaving family- AS A SINGLE MOTHER WITH NO SUPPORT- there is the further stuff they are still up to that I need to battle against it making me feeling guiltier about a decision no grown child ever wants to make regarding her family.
I know I’m not the only one with this story. There’s really not much new under the sun as far as struggles, and my stuff isn’t harder or more special than anyone’s on here. I’m in counseling.
I think for me right now is being in this place of the junk coming to light, feeling literally paralyzed with too much for me to handle, but I’m kinda here alone trying to make a difference and get ‘healthy’ (whatever that even is, I’ve never known it) for myself for the first time ever, and for my daughter.
My world feels scary, isolated, and like so much I don’t know where to start. I know I’m LUCKY I didn’t come out of this like my brother, of course then is the deep sadness that soaks in saying ‘I’m lucky somehow God preserved only me, and I’m better off than my family bc while I’m super messed up from all this and have a long road to recovery, I’m not like THOSE nasty people who are beyond saving’- and it’s my own family.
So many gut wrenching feelings and emotions to sort out right now and try to find some kind of peace with. Then- there’s feeling like I’m suffering alone with duct tape over my mouth bc to tell (the few healthy) extended family my side- only creates a sh*t storm for me and for the unfortunate ones my family placed in the middle with their smear campaign. I can’t really talk about the recent boyfriend situation bc he is a bit of a public figure- so once again, I talk- and guess who suffers more? I can’t do that to my daughter – nor can I bear to TAKE anymore twisting of things. and trying to speak truth against forces that won’t allow it.
Narcissism truly must be Satan’s perfect weapon to destroy us. I feel like my entire life is a walking and never ending nightmare.
This is long. I really don’t know what I’m saying other than that today I’m in so much pain- and reeling in all this ‘reality’ that most people could never fathom.
I guess I’m just glad for boards like this, and people like you bc it helps that you share so we know we aren’t ‘crazy’ when we are hit like a freight train with things like this.
Zari Ballard
November 18, 2017 at 4:20 pmHi Astrid,
I am so so sorry for the delay in responding, sister. I do believe that your fear and feelings and everything inside was caused by very bad family forces (above and beyond narcissism) that may have been multi-generational. I know a little about this via research and from the bit you have shared, it immediately connected. Are you getting any help for this? Please email me using the Contact Me page and tell me how you are doing. This goes way beyond narcissism and NONE of it…and I mean NONE of it…has ever been your fault. You deserve the opportunity to shine in this life, girl. Please contact me…I am here to support you….
Zari xo
Dana
October 7, 2017 at 10:08 pmHi, i have recently split form my Narc husband and im reading all the comments about ‘no contact’ but wondering how do people with kids maintain some kind of ‘friendship’ or amicability with an ex for the sake of family?
Would love peoples advice that have been through this 🙂
Zari Ballard
October 9, 2017 at 6:58 pmHi Dana,
Obviously when you have children with a narc, there are visitation issues and going full no contact is not realistic. Having said that, you can do many things to bring down the engagement to a dull war. You can 1) limit all phone calls to ten minutes tops, even if you have to watch the clock and hang up. There is nothing the narc has to say to you about the kids that has to taken longer than ten minutes, 2) refuse to engage unless it is about the kids and the kids only and ONLY if the conversation is necessary. You would have to be the judge of what you consider important or not, 3) choose to communicate using the ourfamilywizard app which narcs hate but I think it’s awesome. The courts can help you set it up or you can do it yourself and if the narcs acts up while using it, the documentation holds up in court, 4) no matter what, do not show emotion when interacting. DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE is key to keeping your sanity. Even while face to face, keep ten minutes your limit, and 5) do not talk bad about the narc in front of the kids even if you KNOW they talk smack about you. Kids will, as they grow, who was talking bad and who wasn’t and this is a fact. You will automatically appear as the better, more stable parent in the eyes of the kids and everyone else.
Finally, if the kids are teenagers or older, they can take care of themselves and the interaction. I know it’s difficult but it is possible. I have four articles on co-parenting on this website so search for it in the archives in the right sidebar for more tips.
Zar:)
Lcherie
October 15, 2017 at 5:56 pmUnfortunately you can never stay friends with a narcissist. You can’t go no contact but you can gray rock them. And unfortunately you won’t be able to co parent with them.
Tam
September 27, 2017 at 1:16 pmMy mother is a narcissist.
I married my high school boyfriend.
I, 17 and he was 18 years old when we started dating in 1981
My life has been a three ring circus on wheels ever since. I have been running to him and from him my entire life.
My sister and best friend are the only remaining friends I managed to nurture and keep through this whole ordeal after decades of abuse, lies and shame.
I waited until both my girls were graduated, married, etc….
And after years of counseling and therapy….
2012 @ 48yrs old, over 30 years of an abusive marriage……
I could no longer tolerate my husband’s abusive mouth any more and started the departure process once again only this time I filed for DIVORCE!!! Of course I am still paying for this!!!!!!!
I have been on a roller coaster ride that landed on top of a mountain in midst of a snow storm ever since!!!!
Not only did he seek and destroy my journals Iv’e kept since 12 years of age….Which just about put me over the edge!!!!!
LEARNING THAT MY JOURNALS WERE MARITAL PROPERTY in the state of WISCONSIN!!!!! Just about KILLED me!!!!!
He also made up that I had an affair!!!!! Turned everybody against me. This included his family. He aimed for our adult children too!!!! We spent 5 years fighting over something that NEVER happened!!!! SOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!!
This took everyone’s eyes off of him!!!! Worked perfectly!!!!! Everything always does for this DANDELION!!!!!!
2014 the divorce became final. However, it is still not OVER!!!!!
He wore me down and out!!! I could barley function!!! Lost my job after nearly 20 yrs of employment! I opted to leave my home and moved out of state. Unsure of my emotional self….I returned to my ex and more of his promises. Thinking I was finally going to get that prize @ the bottom of this cracker Jack box!! NOPE!!!!! Lost 2 more years of my life instead!!!! And more of me, pride and self respect!!!!
Moved out again in April 2017 @ 53 years old. I feel I have only myself to blame for holding onto something that wasn’t. I am the most forgiving person, blanketed his issues/secrets for decades, forgave and forgave him and many others….
But finding it very difficult to forgive myself for wasting my youth and life on someone who did not deserve me and my gift of unconditional love, til death do us part!!!!!
I am trying to move forward now. I have a new job, home and a rescue dog, who really has rescued me
I am avoiding contact with my destructive, manipulating, lying, cruel EX!!!!
I am finding new friends, trying to reprogram myself, focusing on work, exercise and health.
Taking care of ME!!! For the very first time ever !!!!
My therapist once said…. Even princes Dianna could not marry a prince, move to a castle….. and live happily ever after!!!!
Think about that…….!!!!
If I had it to do all over again…..I would choose the single mom’s club that I feared and avoided at all costs!!!!!
The old lady club, I joined recently….. has no retirement, no health coverage and NOBODY!!!
All those people I feed at my table, cards I gave to their kids, family I visited in hospitals, friends I served beer to in my back yard,….are no where to be found today!!!!!
I do not need a nurse!!!! I do not need a purse!!!! HE DOES!!!!!!
I will not allow myself to be a victim of his foolishness!!!!
I will become a victor!!!!! EVEN If it kills me!!! Ha! Ha!
I still have my children! My sister! My BF!
My smile! My sense of humor!
I have a roof over my head. Food to eat. A job to sustain it.
God has been good to me. I am very blessed!!!!!
Zari Ballard
October 9, 2017 at 6:44 pmTam wrote… I do not need a nurse!!!! I do not need a purse!!!! HE DOES!!!!!! I will not allow myself to be a victim of his foolishness!!!! I will become a victor!!!!! EVEN If it kills me!!! Ha! Ha! I still have my children! My sister! My BF! My smile! My sense of humor! I have a roof over my head. Food to eat. A job to sustain it. God has been good to me. I am very blessed!!!!! YES YOU ARE!
Good for you….wishing you nothing but the best, my friend:)
James Peoples
September 26, 2017 at 3:37 pmI’m in an awful place. I’ve been living with my narc for 3 years. We are both gay men. We aren’t in a relationship, we just started off as two friends who became roommates. I met him the day I moved to a big city and he literally took me under his wings right away. I went from knowing nobody and having nothing to a popular and brilliant guy. He treated me like I was an amazing friend and I went for it. I wanted for nothing. Now, there were the occassional verbal jabs here and there but I never read too much into them at first. Then once I moved in with him things just went insane! I’ve endured things and have done things that I never imagined I would allow to happen or do. He violated every part of me and for some reason I felt like I was better off in the situation than out of it. All the while he’s dating anyone and everyone and I’m just isolated at the house day in and day out cleaning and cooking. He cut me off from my friends(or rather they ran away) because of the way he is. Now I’m in shambles as he found out I called a DV hotline and he immediately put me out for “being ungrateful.” It feels like life itself ended.
Zari Ballard
October 27, 2017 at 10:10 pmHi James,
I am so sorry you are hurting, my friend! I hope you are okay…please understand that it’s a very tricky situation and I find that in same sex partnerships or relationships, the cruelty is amazing. We do feel as if being without this person somehow makes us more anxious than being with them and this is a big reason why we stay. The key is to shift this thinking and to be confident in the truth that you know. You WILL survive this. Please consider booking some talk time with me…I have spoken with many gay men who are suffering and we can get through this:) I want to help you.
Zari xo
Tempie
September 13, 2017 at 3:52 pmI had a narc in my life who started at my best friend and me. It was clear he was testing the waters with us because when he was with her, he’d talk about me but when I was with him, he’d talk about her. Triangulation. The devalue phase was interesting because it was so subtle. It’d come off as teasing until it got annoyingly repetitive. He’d tell us guys he thought we should date but admitted he only teased me about guys he knew I wouldn’t date (probably for his own validation). He actually said he didn’t want me to be with those guys. It became pretty clear that women were objects to be triangulated for the sake of trying to make me (and them) jealous. Triangulation bothered me the most but it was his most frequent abuse. I used to chalk it up to having a really low self-esteem and needing a lot of reassurance (which is true in part, but not for normal reasons). The discard was shaky. I have a tendency to leave before someone else does so I left a couple times which seemed to rock the boat. This last time I left, it was after he asked for “space.” Mind you, we were “just friends” and most friends don’t ask for space. He started talking about how he tried to treat me like one of the guys but couldn’t and how I was too difficult to be friends with. If I asked why the need for space, he’d give me word salad and circular reasoning. I’ve blocked him on every form of communication but I ran into him this past week (he didn’t make eye contact) with a new girl. Another girl I know confirmed this sighting today because she ran into him the same day at the same store. It seems like my discard was kind of incomplete and when I confronted him about wanting to get out of his life, he said he hoped we’d be “friend’s” again someday. I think that might mean hoovering is in my future. It’s been one month today since I walked away this latest round and figured out he was a narc for sure and I puked from the stress it caused me. I like to think myself a pretty strong person and I don’t tend to make changes when a guy tells me to which I think saved me some pride in the end. Still, how long does it take for hoovering to kick in? If the first time hoovering occurred it was instant, the second time it was a few weeks, what am I looking at now? Was showing up at that store a form of hoovering or could it really be coincidence? It’s not like he could’ve known I’d be there, right?