When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Yvonne
October 17, 2015 at 7:21 pmThank you thank you so much for writing this article. For a minute I thought I was the crazy one! My ex is doing EXACTLY what you wrote. Posting on social media daily to do nothing but hurt me and teach me a lesson! He even said when I left him he would be my biggest lesson!
I am thankful I am strong enough to have left and never look back! Xoxo
Zari Ballard
October 25, 2015 at 2:39 amThank you for sharing and rock on, Yvonne!
Zari xo
Leanne Clare
October 11, 2015 at 1:08 amDoes this sound like a narcs…my ex left me five months ago for another woman..60miles away. He is a heroin addict..still on methodone…compulsive liar. Ex R.A.F but was dealin drugs there..abandand his wife and young child at the time..hasnt seen child for 22 tears now. Had constant relationships afterwards.had another child..left the ex for another woman…drugs and hostels…he married again…another woman..whom tells me he never had friends..he was jealous of her sons…he cheated..left her….stayed with other woman..both druggies…then in march 13…met me…promised me the world..i was vunrable..in a cold relationship..so i left me sons dad for the new charmin narc….perfect at first..intelligant man…knew the system well..anything to get free money..addicted to vallium..later realised heroin still but convinced me h was off it…found out he had planned to leave me for a woman in manchester..like a fool i forgave him..guess his plan didnt fall through but he would of left me..but the ow seemed to click to what he was..i was a wreck by then but took him back..he was still flirty with ex wife on facebook..sendin miss you messages..she warned me about him. He seemed jealous of my autistic son..yes sad i know. We never went out much he didnt want to do much..just sit on his phone..we did get engaged but we split and argued too much..always took him back..i was lost without him…i couldnt be without him..relied on him ..believed he had changed…..but he left me..for her..hes best friends with my cousin so connection still there..i found out he had been seein her by…facebook..yep they had pics on smiley happy pics…we had a holiday booked to butlins..i had to go alone with my son..no apology no remorse..couldnt even ring or reply to my heartbroken text messages..he doesnt see his young daughter much…got a new life with her..even went to butlins together..happy pics alover facebook..hes got a job..but still on methodone..vallium and smokes weed…drinks with her every weekend. Hes two faced..he told his ex and cousin he doesnt like her 18year old disabled son…or her…yet like i did ..bought him everything…they seem happy ..pics of them together..but why did he hurt me..i adored him..looked after him..it kills me …i know im better off without him..but hes been with her five months now..we were three years…is it me or is he a narc x
Zari Ballard
October 12, 2015 at 10:48 pmHi Leanne,
Thanks for sharing and I’m sorry that you’re heartbroken over this jerk. And he IS a complete jerk. Forget, for a minute, what he did to you and just look at the wake of destruction he created before and leading up to you. With all that being true (his history), how can you even ask “Is it me?” Why would it be YOU? This is all this guy does – ever. He has no redeeming qualities. Everyone here – including myself – has loved a guy like this (albeit, to varying degrees) and, I’m sorry, but they suck – every last one of them. Is your ex a narcissist? Well, yeah..maybe…but I have to ask, does it even matter? If I said yes, would it make you feel better? Would that make everything that he did to you and all the women before you (and after) somehow okay? No, of course it wouldn’t and I know you know that. The bottom line is…he’s a douchebag…a creep….a slime ball. He could care less about his own children and gets jealous over the disabled children of his girlfriends, for God Sake’s. He’s a drug addict of the worst possible kind – heroin – and an obvious freeloader who lives off the government (as you say, “free money”). Girl, that doesn’t make him “intelligent and charming”…that makes him a loser from hell! I’ve no doubt he was cheating for most of the three years you were together and, yes, you are absolutely better off without him. In a few months, his newest target will find her way to this website as well and I’ll tell her the same thing.
The thing that bothers us the most about the end of the relationship is that we can’t wrap our heads around the fact that he just doesn’t care about us. A narcissist is INCAPABLE of loving ANYONE – including the one he leaves us for and everyone after that. This is how he gets through life. And let me say that a diagnosis of narcissism is NOT an excuse for this dreadful behavior. These are grown people we’re talking about here and, disorder or not, they know better. The problem is they just don’t care. And they never will.
Stay strong and move on, girl. Be grateful that it was only three short years of hell and not fifteen, 20, and even 40 years like others here have suffered. Be grateful you don’t have kids together and have to struggle with co-parenting like the other unfortunate women he left in his wake. I bet he’s never paid a dime of child support and never will (but he can go on vacations!). Most of all, be grateful that YOU won’t be the one unlucky enough to find him dead in the bathroom with a syringe hanging out of his arm because eventually that is where guys (like this one…junkies) all end up.
And as for the happy FB pics of the blissful couple? Fake! Everyone forgets that a picture is really just an image of ONE split second in time – that’s it! One split second. She’ll be here soon enough, girl, and let’s hope that by that time you’re good to go, moving along with your life, and wallowing in the fact that he’s still a suffering fool. I’m rootin’ for you because I know you can do it…but don’t waste one more second feeling sorry over this demon. He isn’t worth the shit on your shoe and YOU deserve to be happy!!!
Stay strong…
Zari xo
m
November 12, 2015 at 7:43 amright on zari!!!!
we all need to fix us
an know we all deserve happiness, not a rollercoaster
it comes bk around….
kp going forward… fake it till ya make it…. it comes just tkes time
blessings to evryone!!!
Zari Ballard
November 14, 2015 at 8:11 pmRight on, m! We’ve gotta re-train the brain to be happy. Fake it till you make it and one day you won’t be faking it…works every time, it really does.
Stay strong & be happy!
Zari xo
Leanne Clare
October 11, 2015 at 12:43 amI have a story to tell
Zari Ballard
October 11, 2015 at 7:44 pmHi Leanne,
Feel free to share your story…we’re here to listen and support you!
Zari xo
cathieme
October 3, 2015 at 12:52 amI am separated from an N, have been 3years (legal matters have been impossible with his and his sisters behaviour…she acts like his wife, he was even hostile to his solicitor, my financial status is pretty much destroyed, his solicitor gave up stating that clearly my ex N only wanted contact with me as he moved house but i was the only one who knew as my daughter had told me..easier to manipulate he thought i guess) We have young children so I am not able to cut him out of my life,but try to keep contact brief and in writing or text. I have had his friends hold a debate about me on fb, his sister has threatened friends who have stood by me and he has reported my friends to the social who helped me with the kids when I’m at work – both investigations found nothing. It took him 5 days after I told him it was over to find his new ‘relationship’ and it killed me, then he kept trying to convince me he wanted to try again but I kept strong and refused (I’d had counselling) Then he started seeing a young girl at my work and now once I’ve moved the kids to their new school he has just began a relationship with a teacher at their school. I hadn’t felt the need to read stuff on narcissists in a while but I found this a great reminder at this time. He truly has no limits, doesn’t even care if the kids get hurt in his quest. This has taken me back to my calm place…I remember the love bombing and the us against the world feeling … it is addictive. She’s only 23yrs and people says she looks like a younger version of me, he is 34yrs. ..she is in the same place I was when he met me, good job, good prospects and fairly happy with life. ..I hope she is stronger than I was and leaves before it destroys her mentally.
Zari Ballard
October 11, 2015 at 7:26 pmHi cathieme,
Thank you for sharing and I hope that you are able to get past this nightmare. Ignore him…ignore his conquests (even though, because of him, they are everywhere you are at)…and show nothing but INDIFFERENCE & DETACHMENT during any interactions with him. Although we can’t control the narcissist’s behavior, we can absolutely control our reaction to it and, believe me, everything he does is about getting a reaction from you. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
Stay strong and always remember that you deserve to be happy!
Zari xo
Martina
October 1, 2015 at 3:25 pmHi all,
So glad I’ve come across this site. I believe my partner is a narcissist and I’m seeking advice sort to speak.
My story – I met this man shortly after the break up of my marriage, I had three boys and he had two. We got on great right from the off, he would constantly text me sometimes up to 200 a day, I couldn’t believe my luck a man like him would be interested in me and my children. We tried to spend as much time together before involving his two boys and mine into the relationships. Eventually we where all spending weekends together and everyone seemed happy!!! Apart from me that is. I had a gut instinct 6 months in that he was cheating, I done some digging and found there was 1 others in line on particular days of the week.
I finished it devasted for my boys and his, but he kept coming back like nothing ever happened. I was totally confused by him. I went back and shortly after discovered I was expecting his baby, devasted again as I thought I’ll never be able to leave him now. He was good for the first couple of months but then he was on dating sites and I uncovered several more women in his life. My daughter was born and he remained unfaithful with several women at a time. I broke free again and that’s when he got nasty, he won’t pay maintenance etc.. Unless he sees his daughter.
For the sake of my daughter I allowed him access to her one day a week, biggest mistake as he used this opportunity to work on me again and again and before long we where having sex again, I’ve realised he always has a constant supply and I’m just an option for him. Only two weeks ago he was trying to convince me it was all in my head that there where others and that I was stalking his life. The straw that broke the camels back for me like that wasn’t enough was I had to rush my daughter to hospital I tried calling texting him etc – no reply so I decided to go to his house to let him know and no surprise he was entertaining so I just left without alerting him I knew.
I told him days later to go through courts to get access that I was not been walked on anymore – he’s turned it around like its all my fault for snooping and he’s deleted me off all social media and communication apps and I can’t figure out why????
He’s giving me the silent treatment now and again why, I’ve done nothing wrong I only communicate with him about our daughter that’s it.
He now is doing the nice things again – turned up with a tv for my boys and fixing things for my kids when he comes to pick our daughter up – then ignores me completely for days on end
Why do the nice things and disappear all the time – totally confused and very hurt and not sure what to do anymore
Any advice would be appreciated
Thanks
Marty
Zari Ballard
October 11, 2015 at 6:57 pmHi Marty,
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for what this man has done to you and your children. There are two main reasons that a narcissist returns again and again and that is 1) to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you, and 2) to control you and then validate that control. Here’s a link to an article that I wrote about what I call the Control/Validate tactic and you will relate to every word of it. He will do this until the end of time, sister, and unless you put a stop to it, it will never end. Fortunately, although we can’t control the narcissist’s behaviors, we can definitely control our reactions to it and this alone will save our sanity.
When you told him to go through the courts for visitation, this caused him narcissistic injury and this is why he deleted you off everything. It pissed him off and be glad for that because any connection to social media with these monsters can be an emotional killer. The courts will tell him that he HAS to pay no matter what and that he can’t call the shots on that. You must stick with the legalities because the fact is that he has to pay or face the eventual consequences. Don’t allow him to get away with that.
The problem that I see is that you still feel a strong connection to this guy to the point that you expect him to be around and to be nice and when he’s not, it hurts you. The fact is that the relationship, to him, is over (no matter what he tells you). He is moving on and you must as well because, as I said, the game of push/pull (over and over and over and over) will never get old for him. You shouldn’t be surprised at any of the mean things that does and says to you. If he was a great guy, you’d be living a happy life with him but it’s obvious he’s not. There’s reasons why you left, right? Well, he hasn’t changed since then at all and he has no intention of doing so. INDIFFERENCE and DETACHMENT is going to be key to your emotional survival. Keep all contact to a bare minimum and only about the daughter and ONLY when necessary. Tell him that you don’t need him coming around with TV’s and whatnot. These “nice” behaviors are intended to confuse you and to keep you in the queue. And you having sex with him only validates his control over you. I knows it’s hard to fathom that someone can be like this but he is what he is. This is what he does – and you can never change it.
Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie because it will explain all of this in detail and empower you to make the right decisions. Co-parenting with a narcissist is difficult but it is not impossible when you set your mind to it. It’s time for you to take back the control!
Stay strong & I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
m
November 12, 2015 at 7:38 amthat’s the narcs game…love bombing its a red flalag, believe it or not..
I was devastasted my ex narc… 7yrs an blindsided… oh ya he did the I hate whre I am, Noone is like you blah blah
that was just 5mos ago… guess what? new supply moved in w/ girl after 1mo knowing her, typical.
took me almost 2yrs to sort this out
I read pray meditate work exrrcise put effort into me, heal me
social media? fluff, ego.
thy discarded you! let them be…
miss him yes. love him yes.
he let go….
hang tight! indiffrrence towards him is coming…
Zari Ballard
November 14, 2015 at 8:12 pmIndifference & detachment is key to our recovery, m!
Zari xo
Presh Ray
September 15, 2015 at 9:11 amAfter reading this article and the responses to entirety, it is quite safe to say that my son’s father is a true narcissist. I found it quite scary how all of the signs coincide with my situation. I am just getting out of this so called relationship AGAIN, after being discarded of for the very last time. We have spent this whole year together and he told me that we were gonna give our relationship a fair shot. Well, he was newly seperated from his wife who he goes back and forth with me with and this time, he actually moved out and was talking divorce and us being together. Everything about us seemed real. He contacted me all day everyday and we spend more time together than we ever have before. He couldn’t get enough of me and proclaimed to be sooo happy with me. I have never been treated so great and felt so loved. I felt like this time would not be like the rest. The truth is everytime he NEEDED me he would lay it on thick in order to get back in the door with me. Once his supply with me is no longer necessary, he finds reason to be back with her. He recently lost his job and has to pay me child support while also having to financially support his other two kids that he has from his marriage. Now that are back together again since he’s trying to prevent her from taking legal action. I know, one big mess. The crazy thing about it is, he initially told me that he was not getting back with her whenever I asked him, completely denied it, then all of a sudden starts pulling up on the weekends to drop our son off with her in the car and has still provided me no explanation for this. So, I don’t ask, I just pretend Iike I am not bothered by any of it and I have decided to never get back in this situation again. I now know not to have dealings with even seperated men. I learned the hard way. Too hurtful….
Zari Ballard
September 29, 2015 at 12:09 amHi Presh,
You have no idea how amazingly similar your story is to soooooo many of the women that I speak with and correspond to on this website. Life with a married narcissist. Back and forth to the wife, the long break where the N actually leaves the wife and talks divorce or even moves in…having kids on both sides…it’s awful, it really is. Be done with it and let him be HER problem. Consider this whole last year VALIDATION for why it had been over to begin with and decide that you’ll never go there again.
If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie. It’s a cheap and easy download from Amazon (or in PDF from this website) and it will empower you to make the right decisions going forward. Although you can’t go complete No Contact because of the co-parenting situation, there are ways to deal with your interactions with him that still allow you to keep you sanity. DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE are the keys to doing that and it seems you’ve already begun that process. Good for you! Show no emotion because that’s what he wants. Keep all interactions to no more than ten minutes. Refuse to engage in conversation that has anything OTHER than to do with the child (and even then, it has to be necessary). Decide that you will be in control no matter what HE thinks. You can do it, girl!!!
At some point, when you can, you may want to consider a consultation where we can speak one-on-one. Co-parenting is the hardest thing in the world, sister, but it’s not impossible. Focus on being the best parent possible and let him dig his own parental grave. They always do. Think CONTROL and move forward. You absolutely deserve to be happy!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you…
Zari xo
laura
August 31, 2015 at 1:17 amReading this has made me feel so much better. I have been struggling on and off for 3 months over my ex narcissist. I am more than devastated but i am trying to get on with my life. I emailed him the other day over money he owes me and his friendly but curt replies have made me feel worse. It just reiterated my fears that he had chosen his new gf over me and that she is better than me and i am rubbish.
I have saved this page and whenever i feel like that i will read it.
Thank you
Zari Ballard
September 11, 2015 at 11:11 pmHi Laura,
Just a note to say that I wish you the best in your mission to break free. When I was working my way out of the mud, I read everything I could get my hands on and while it did hurt, it was comforting at the same time. You might want to think about letting the money go because it becomes a tether that we inadvertently cling to as an excuse to connect. I know because I did the same thing. If he hasn’t paid you by now, he’s not going to. In fact, deep down, he doesn’t think he owes you a dime. Bastard!
Stay strong, girl! As for the new gf, better her than you, sister. Don’t you worry, she’ll be here on this blog asking for help sooner than you know. They never ever change – EVER! And YOU deserve happiness in this short life that we live:)
Zari xo
laura3773
September 15, 2015 at 1:42 pmHi Zari.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot that somebody who I dont know cares enough to want to help me and others who have suffered in this way.
He did pay me the money and emailed me a few times, possibly hoovering and although i kept my replies and friendly (so he would hopefully regret what he’s done) (which i know he wont) i did feel slightly sucked in again.
I have a promotion at work and i am keeping really busy so i am just going to stay focussed on that.
I hope you are happy and staying positive.
Thanks again Laura… ????
Zari Ballard
September 15, 2015 at 6:04 pmHi Laura,
I’m grateful to help in any way that I can:) You just keep working on that promotion and pay no mind to the jerk in the background. I’m glad you were able to get the money but No Contact from here forward is best. Trust me, the fact that you respond to his emails at all puts a smirk on his face. Narcissists do not feel regret. If you answer, he considers you in the queue for more emotional destruction. Block his email and his phone number or this will go on until the end of time.
Best of luck to you, girl, and you know where to find me:)
Zari xo
laura3773
September 15, 2015 at 10:56 pmHi Zari.
You are right….
He was asking me how I am and what ive been up to…
Its all fake. I cant stand the thought of him doing that with a smirk on his face.
Thank you
Laura x
Zari Ballard
September 19, 2015 at 5:33 pmHi laura3773,
Yes, it is all fake and we just need to be reminded of that sometimes. Even if it seems like we’re in control or “one-up” or whatever, we’re really not. You can’t remain friends on any level once it’s over. The smirk is always there on the other side of the phone. I guarantee it. No contact is the only way:)
Stay strong!
Zari xo
m
November 12, 2015 at 7:29 amperfect! only peeps who have bn thru it, get it!!!!
yes new flames? its an illusion
narcs kp going, going, going
do what it takes to heal yourself, you’re actually re inventing yourself
be glad you’re out of it all! the whole clan, fam,’friends’ all co -dependent cycle of fake, no change…
Thyre boring thy do same, same
hang in!!!
it takes guts to be real, change, want normalcy….
this site helps