Understanding a Narcissist’s Control/Validate Tactic

narcissist-abuseToday I realized that my ex, the Narcissist of my books, had given me the biggest clue into his twisted narcissistic mind when he described himself as a “simple man”. He would say this as a way of insisting that I was making too much of things…that he didn’t even think like I made it appear he was thinking. I, of course, believed this self-description to be absurdly untrue and even ridiculous but, now, while responding to a reader who felt baffled by her narcissistic partner’s behaviors, I think he may have actually been on to something.

The Narcissist Was Right – He IS a Simple Man!

To provide a quick background on the “I’m a Simple Man” story, here’s a paragraph from my book When Love Is a Lie:

“No matter from what angle you examine a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, the view is complicated. Of course, he’ll swear up and down that “complicated” is far too exaggerated a description and the problem, of course, is you. Consequently, when a narcissist scolds us for making mountains out of molehills, it’s his attempt, as always, to make us doubt our intuition and the ideology serves him accordingly. During one altercation where I was laying out the facts, my N made the statement, “Really, you’re making me out to be complicated and the truth is I’m just a simple man.” Even though I laughed out loud, he found his self-description obviously very clever because, from then on, I’m just a simple man became his new catch phrase for every argument where he felt he had to defend himself.”

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Now, to be clear, by saying that the Narcissist may have told the truth, I’m not relieving him of his guilt in any way shape or form.  What I am saying is that, by insisting “I’m really just a simple man”, he was – albeit inadvertently – providing me with the biggest clue ever into how these jerks really think. Because the behaviors of the narcissist are so mind-boggling and so out of the norm of how we might consider behaving toward someone we care about, we tend to trump them up, making the behaviors much more complicated than they really are, thus actually giving the narcissist too much credit in the long run! I now believe – as of today – that there are really only two reasons that a narcissist acts the way he does towards his partner and everyone around him and they both have to do with control. In fact, every thing that confuses us about why the N did what he did, why it still continues to hurt long after it’s over, and why it appears that he’s okay with someone else…all of the residual garbage he leaves us with can be broken down and attributed to this control factor.

The question asked of me by a reader today was this: Why is it that narcissists obviously want to be ‘loved’, adored & treated nicely yet they’ll use ‘love avoidance’ tactics to push us away or they’ll use manipulation to keep us just close enough or they’ll use all the above PLUS passive-aggression, contradiction, negativity (about the relationship, you, them & everyone else in general) to completely fuck our heads up??

And here was my answer – an answer, I believe, that neatly sums-up the entire complication dynamic of this type of relationship:

IT’S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Re-read your question and ask yourself, “What kind of person have I just described?” A CONTROL FREAK, of course! The wording of your question was actually perfect because every tactic used by a narcissist and/or borderline is mentioned in it. Everything – and I mean everything – a victim partner is subjected to during a relationship with a narcissist (N) happens for either/or of the following two reasons: 1) as a means of controlling that person, or 2) as a means for validating that control. That’s it! That’s all it is! You have to keep in mind that it’s the relationship that’s complicated – and only for the victim. The narcissist himself/herself, in reality, isn’t all that complicated.

Imposters of the Emotional Kind

A narcissist’s main concern in life is to control the people around him – namely, us – so that he gets what he wants, whatever that may be. In order to control, of course, he must manipulate and mirroring our good qualities back to us is an excellent way of hooking us into the Lie. Never forget that these people are imposters of the emotional kind and they’re very good at what they do. To get what they want (i.e. adoration, ego boost, sex, money, etc.), a narcissist will tell us exactly what they know we want/need to hear to make it happen. Even when he or she is being as sweet as pie (which is, of course, a façade), the narcissist is controlling us.

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Then, once the narcissist gets what he wants, he starts a fight, creates narcissistic chaos, cuts us loose, disappears, subjects us to the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, erases us as if we never meant a thing, and generally makes us feel like shit – tactics that are fully intended to manage down our expectations of the relationship for future go-rounds. It is the victim partner’s reaction to this “managing down” process that ultimately validates, for the narcissist, that his control is still solid even when he doesn’t need that person. When he gets us worked up to the point that he can actually feel our desperation and codependency, then his control is validated and he can go about his business secure in the fact that we’ll be around when and if he does need us. And around and around it goes.

The entire control process can happen in an hour, several times a day, over two weeks, over many years…it’s a push/pull system that really means control/validate, control/validate, control/validate until we’re ready to lose our minds. For the narcissist, it’s a way to secure future narcissistic supply and that’s really all he cares about.

Now, after writing my response to this reader, I had an immediate relationship flashback of those instances where I’d be in tears, lamenting to the narcissist that I knew what he was up to…that I had figured out his MO and could predict his every move before he did it (which I could). And I remember him always giving me that look when this occurred…that stupid blank stare that only a narcissist confronted with his own lunacy can give…and he’d say, “You’re making it all so complicated and it’s not. I’m really just a simple man.” And hearing this, of course, would only catapult me further into the insanity. I felt it was just another fucking lie…a distraction reaction intended to add insult to injury. But today…..today I’m thinking maybe he was telling the truth! Maybe what appears to us to be well-thought out, calculated manipulations to wreck us really boils down to the narcissist either controlling us or validating that control – or, for that matter, controlling others (i.e. the other women) or validating that control.  Maybe a narcissist really is just a dumbed-down sociopath (like sociopaths proclaim) and we’ve been giving him far too much credit in the intelligence department!  I’m fairly convinced that this is the key to the narcissist’s psyche.

Mind you, my little discovery in no way pardons the narcissist for his despicable behaviors or for causing everyone – and even his own children – so much pain. He is absolutely guilty as charged. And if, in fact, I’m right and narcissists – like my ex – really do believe in the simplicity of their own evil, then that makes these losers even more un-fixable than ever before. And, believe it or not, the fact that a narcissist’s evil agenda is not nearly as complicated as we’ve perceived it to be is very good news. It would mean that we no longer have to think so hard about why he does what he does. It means we now have yet another way to use a narcissist’s ploy – in this case, the control/validate process – to our own advantage when dealing with the narcissist or even when we’re dealing with our memories of the narcissist. Using a control/validate process of our own, we now have another way to determine the narcissist’s motive – as simple as it may be – each and every time he opens his mouth….and I bet it will work. Let’s experiment.

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From now on, when engaging with the N (i.e. as a partner, co-parent, co-worker, or relative), no matter what he’s saying or doing or how hard he tries to push your buttons, silently ask yourself this: “Is he trying to control me or is he trying to validate the control?” Know the answer and you will respond accordingly. From now on, whenever you feel weakened/saddened/haunted by all those memories of the “good times”, review each event individually and ask yourself:  “Was he trying to control me or was he trying to validate the control?” With the answer, the memory will weaken. Watch and see….control or validate…for the entire time that you are “together”, it was either one or the other and never anything else.

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54 Comments

  • Claire

    January 3, 2018 at 7:37 pm Reply

    Hi Zari, recently while very very drunk my husband. Pushed me to the ground. Aggressively. I almost didn’t believe it. I had a few cocktails too. But then when I asked him what the hell he was doing. He did it again. Both times with my daughter on his hip. I think if she hadn’t been there he may have hit me. I shouted back at him saying, “what the hell is wrong with you, our baby girl is watching this..” it pulled him out of his rage. The next morning. He agreed to stop drinking. It’s been 8 days. I know he is a narcissist but I stay. He then made the entire conversation the next morning about how I let him down. How I never have any time for us as a couple. I ended up in tears. Then he left. Went to work and seemingly happy. He works away. A lot.
    Just before Xmas he went on holiday. By himself. Said too stressed at work. Needed a break. Our daughter is 5. So excited for Christmas it’s crazy. And he went away. Stayed with a recently divorced friend who is a womaniser. Now, I have an infection. Terrified he went away to cheat on me.

    My head is spinning. I love our daughter so much. Don’t know what to do.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 20, 2018 at 6:52 pm Reply

      Hi Claire,

      I’m pretty sure you already know that he was up to no good on that trip and probably on 100 trips before that. No husband goes away leaving his wife and baby daughter alone for Xmas unless he is a narcissistic asshole. Mine did it every year for 13 years. Of course he cheated and if you have an infection of course he gave it to you. Something is very wrong and you need to save your life and the well-being of your baby. This isn’t worth saving and you need to value your own life. Read my book When Love Is a Lie to see how I did it. Make a decision that you will never regret and kick this creep to the curb….

      Zari xo

  • Diana Prince

    December 1, 2017 at 1:46 pm Reply

    Hi Zara, I have recently understood that my ex boyfriend is a passive aggressive narcissist. Your blog is fantastic and I’m so very grateful for what you offer to us. I feel that no one would really believe what I say about my ex, as he presents as such a nice man, but for the 18 months we were together, I felt like I was slowly losing it! I am a strong, independent woman, and I feel like I’ve lost my strength and I’m working hard to rebuild and re-find myself. I am in some denial that my ex could really be this person, but ALL the signs were there, ALL the red flags, which I ignored because I was starved of some loving attention. I had no idea, until a week ago, that I was even being punished at the time; I couldn’t understand why I was being ignored, or not allowed to have sex with him, or even call or text him on the days we weren’t together. I was allowed to see him on Wednesdays and the weekend, and he was off limits the rest of the time. I didn’t even realise that when we first broke up last December, that I had the initial grand hoover a week later, when he promised to change etc; I couldn’t believe my luck……but, ten months later, when I had clearly been so discarded that I was basically dating myself, with no expectation of anything in return, I told him what I wanted, he shook his head said he didn’t want it, and I walked away confused as to why he didn’t put up any fight to keep me. I contacted him after ten days to see if we could talk, but no answer. He used emotional manipulation on Facebook, and I contacted him, with no answer, and a few days after that he texted me to offer me a lift home!? I didn’t take it, but said if he wanted to meet later in the week to let me know. Of course, no reply. And, today, I commented on a mutual friend’s Facebook post and he ‘liked’ my comment. I have been no contact, but I think to him this is simply a silent treatment. Am I to prepare for another hoover? I do feel very prepared to continue no contact, but I don’t know what’s coming…….thank you for all your help xx. As I said, I had no ide who my boyfriend was until we broke up six weeks ago.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 3, 2017 at 5:04 pm Reply

      Girl, I just responded to your other post..book some time and let’s take care of this:) You are not alone and I am here to support you…

  • mary

    October 25, 2017 at 6:57 am Reply

    please help-my ex is as you describe and largely I can handle it but its what he is doing to my teen kids.i am the baddy in their eyes and he has control with his money bribes etc. how do I handle the kids and stop myself from breakdown

    • Zari Ballard

      November 13, 2017 at 1:00 am Reply

      Hi Mary,

      Please read my articles about co-parenting. In the right or bottom (if mobile) sidebar, click the drop down menu for the article library and choose Co-parenting. The best way to look better than the talking shit narc is to say nothing and be the best mom you can be. Somewhere in life, they will understand what happened. My articles share my experience and should offer some comfort….

      Zari:)

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