When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Andrew Benjamin (a-k-a Luv_Doctor)
November 21, 2016 at 6:49 pmWhat about my situation? Do you have any advice to take me out of my obsession?
Andrew Benjamin (a-k-a Luv_Doctor)
November 21, 2016 at 12:14 pmZari…
I just completed writing my book “Once again…Here We Go Again…this time with…The “Narcissist”.
I wanted to name my book “When Love is a Lie” — but then researching Narcissism, I stumbled upon your incredible website and realized that “YOU” had claim to that title.
I thought I REMAINED in my state of depression “C-PTSD” because I kept reminiscing about what happened to me and reliving the moments over, and over, and over again in order to write the book.
However, now that the book is on the market, I’M STILL DEPRESSED!!!
I’m going to be honest…after 9 months, I’M STILL PINNING OVER MY NARC.
Keep in mind, I don’t want her back. I just want to be able to ignore her while at the same time know AT LEAST I MEANT SOMETHING TO HER! Yes call it revenge!
FOR GOD’S SAKES…I was her Fiancee at one time and I loved her tremendously!
Now I know she’s sick…BUT I KEEP FORGETTING THAT BECAUSE THESE NARCS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2016 at 3:44 pmYou wanted to name it “When Love Is a Lie”? It’s a good thing that you didn’t. My book has been out for almost four years and you’ve been to this site many times, commenting on articles that always contain a picture of the book’s cover after the second paragraph. Hmmmmmmm…..
muratorefamily
November 18, 2016 at 3:46 amI just feel numb and can’t function, it’s been a month since he left for good. He moved to Hawaii where I use to live and where we were planning on moving together. I gave him so much wisdom, that he used against me. I payed for everything so he could be a “rapper”. Should have known, but he spent every second with me, and really seemed to care about me and be my soulmate. He first cheated and discarded me in Christmas Eve, as he disappeared with a friend. He asked me to paint his studio, and I did for a bit then fell asleep. On Christmas he returned(I later found out he was with an ex partying) I should have known then, and saved myself, but I belived people were good and I believed a lot of other bullshit too. He used me in so many ways… sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually. I lost my job, my friends, and I’m losing my parents as they think I just am going crazy and making things up. They fell in his trap and being an only child I have no one to blame but me because I fell for his trap the worst. I feel alone and am staying at my moms house without a car, friends or close cousins. Nor do I have hope that I will be that positive, happy, beautiful, fun loving kind girl ever again. I rarely see a glimpse of her but really I feel like she’s too long gone, with no one on her side, not even me or my parents.. I’m just really sad. I’ve read almost all your articles and am appreciative for your time and anyone else’s comments and everything. I have some hope, but with no money and too depressed to function I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t even have the $ to get your books right now or pay for any help. I’m on wait list for psychologists and psychiatrists but I really don’t want to be put on meds as I don’t feel I’m crazy. I’m just really sad and really mad. I get angry with my mom and feel rage and then feel guilt. I see a lot of him in her and I don’t understand why she isn’t being more supportive or understanding. She’s all I really have and she’s slipping away too. I’m 32 and I shouldn’t be this way. I should be able to take care of myself like before and bounce back and have a family one day.. I have had a beautiful life. I have had bad times and bounced back. He not only knew everything about the bad things I went through, but during this last discard used all my secrets I trusted him with to literally rip out my soul and humiliate me. He acted like my best friend just to make a joke out of me. I really feel that he took my soul. I can’t even meditate because the ocean is my happy place and I can’t stand the ocean now. It’s so much more than a broken heart, I’ve had that before but this is much different. The betrayal and loneliness that comes with a true covert narcissist or any narcissist is unreal. I’m hopeless and can’t sleep. It’s 2:38am right now in California. Doesn’t matter where I am. I rarely go outside and leave the room to go to the bathroom and kitchen, that’s it. Haven’t actually been outside but to. The store a few times for food. Very sad lonely and empty. I’m scared of people now, I just don’t trust people now and feel they all have motives. Unreal that people fake love, use, lie, cheat, manipulate just to laugh in your face and humiliate you, worse than that they want to destroy you and leave no trace. He literally videotaped me and showed his friends and my my moms neighbors. My mom doesn’t believe me, but he worked a number on her. He’s a fake piece of shit and really I want revenge, I have it planned out, but I don’t want to hurt my soul or waste another second on this idiot Satan wannabe. I’m good off him. I just would appreciate some advice as to what to do in my morning/afternoon when I wake up. Thank you all. I wish everyone happiness, and the best, and I also appreciate everyone on here.
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2016 at 2:38 amListen, sister, I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you my books in PDF. The bundle will at least get you started on recovery. In the meantime, read every article on this site – there are over 80 of them and I’ve tried to touch upon every topic. You need not feel alone, do you understand? And you must know that your suffering changes nothing. I wrote an article about this and you can read it here. I also wrote another article about what I call The Game of Postpone & Pretend which is what I did EVERY MORNING so that I could get out of bed and function.
You CAN do this. You CAN get back on your feet and be free. We are all here to support you. As I said, I am going to my email right now to send you my book bundle to the email address that you used to post your comment. Please look for it. If you need to, you are welcome to email me. I am so sorry that you are going through this:(
PS I just sent them from my gmail email.
Zari xo
Zari xo
Shell
November 8, 2016 at 12:25 amMy n ex had an affair and left me and our son on boxing day to live with her on 30th Dec. .. they moved in to his mum’s house 2 doors away and after 7 months r engaged. TALK about rub it in your face!!! I cut all contact had to block him even on ebay and my mum does the drop off and pick up with him.
There has been numerous incidents where he made threats towards me, comments and treats our son like shit only wanting him when suits. He us currently taking me to court for more access this is just a Game to him a game of control.
Even after no contact direct with myself he still finds a way to put a dig in … I believe on karma and eventually he will get what he deserves.
Grace
November 7, 2016 at 11:20 amPlease don’t envy her. She isn’t happy. She doesn’t feel secure or safe in their relationship. She knows something is not right but she can’t put her finger on it. Constantly worrying and wondering where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, who he is texting, why he stays up later than her every single night. She wants desperately to question him, to ask why he was late, why his story doesn’t add up, but she won’t dare question him. She knows what will happen if she does. She wants so desperately to be near him, to bask in the glow of his beautiful, electric light. But what she doesn’t know is that every ray of light that seems to emanate from him is slowly extracting pieces of her very own soul. She doesn’t know it yet but she is going to give every part of herself to him until there is nothing left of her but a fuzzy memory of the beautiful woman she once was. He is going to destroy her piece by piece and she is going to let him do it, sometimes she will even beg him to do it. She will spend the rest of her days overlooking his shortcomings and dishonesty and searching for glimpses of the bright light she once saw in his eyes. He will let her see it every once in a while; when he is caught in a lie, or when he needs something from her, or when she asks him to change or when she threatens to leave. He will shine his bright light on her and it will feel so warm and pure and hopeful. For a short while the pain will seem to fade away. She is addicted to that light and he knows it. He uses it to build himself up and to destroy her, with a smile on his face. He will continue to take bits and pieces of her and she will let him. What she doesn’t realize is that bright, beautiful, electric light isn’t a light at all. It is nothing more than a diabolical distraction to keep her entranced and occupied while he tries to ruin her life and does whatever he pleases in the meantime. It is a beacon of hope in an otherwise cold and dark abyss that she has fallen into. It will become dimmer and more fragmented with every passing day but she will keep waiting to feel it’s warmth again. I want so badly to warn her, but she won’t hear me. She can’t even see me. She can’t see anything but that beautiful, hypnotizing light. It’s not my job to save her. I saved myself and that is enough.
Zari Ballard
October 28, 2016 at 6:06 pmHi Cathy,
Good for you for NOT responding but what would be even better is to block him so that he can not contact you even if he wants to. He shouldn’t be allowed to reach his tentacles in whenever he pleases to see if you’re still in the queue – because that is what he is doing when he “reaches out”.
I’m glad that you are free!
Zari xo
Patricia
October 22, 2016 at 8:07 amThank you!