The narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you – and this is the ONLY reason. If you remember nothing else from what I tell you, you must remember that. The sociopath and narcissist will hoover for no other reason than to get another chance to hurt you. This is why it seems that the narcissist returns only to leave again – and this time quicker than the time before. He might even get up and leave after the great make-up sex, saying he’ll be right back or he’ll call you later and – POOF – he’s gone again. Make no mistake…all these “comings and goings” are intended to hurt you. It’s all by grande narcissistic design.
It’s important that we understand that the life of the narcissist’s target is nothing more than a massive playing field upon which the N can hone his evil skills. It’s a stomping ground where he can practice better ways to execute his game and plan for the attack. Knowing this, when we agonize over whether a narcissist will come back or if he will ever return after a silent treatment the answer, obviously, is maybe…but then what? Any time away from the narc is a step in the right direction so are you really ready to go back to square one after coming this far? Think about it.
Narcissists, of course, do not miraculously fix themselves while they’re away although they certainly will try to tell you differently. Returns are usually prompted by the bad behaviors of whomever they left you for (and they did leave you for someone) or the ding of the bell as your name pops back up in the queue or by any one of a myriad of warped narratives dictated by the narcissist’s relationship agenda. And because the narcissist knows you as well as you think you know him, he is confident in the fact that he’s managed down your expectations to the point that you’ll take him back without significant repercussions or consequences. This is a highly dysfunctional dynamic, my friends, and you are settling for crumbs by allowing this behavior.
I receive so many letters from women and men who have succeeded with No Contact to the point that they are actually living life in the manner that they deserve. It makes me want to rejoice, it really does. I know how hard it is to stick to No Contact because I was never very good at it. What happens, though, inevitably, is that somewhere along the line I start receiving the question of whether or not the N will return from those who have been doing well. Why does this happen and why is it so fucking hard to let this bastard (or bitch) go? What is the “hold” and why is it so strong? Is this sudden, out-of-the-blue feeling of slight panic or desperation normal? My answer is yes…yes it is.
When we start wondering if maybe…just maybe…the narcissist (our ex) will come back, hoover, or reappear after a disappearance, or start communicating after a silent treatment, we are falling back into the waiting pattern that kept us hostage for years. Seriously, think about the amount of time that you’ve spent waiting for your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife over the course of your relationship.
When I look back on my life with the ex, there’s no doubt that we spent more time apart than together and he made sure of that! I talk about this at length in my book When Love Is a Lie. In this book, I tell you in detail what happened to me over thirteen years and how I finally mentally called it off even before we split up for good. I started making small choices that changed the way I behaved in reaction to his narcissistic behaviors and the result was amazing. It’s about changing your perspective and if I did it, you can do it too.
You must understand that none of this nonsense will ever change – ever. Not for you, not for the next person, and not for the ones that come after that. Get the irrational thought that this is even a possibility right out of your head.
The narcissist will continue to hurt you until the end of time because that’s what narcissists do and they enjoy it. Your suffering is actually the narcissist’s reward for a job well done and don’t you forget it. If he couldn’t mess with your head, he literally would have nothing to do. Letting go of the narcissist is about removing yourself from the mental anguish…from the perpetual waiting game that keeps you clinging to a false love. Co-dependency is a very real thing and so is trauma bonding and all of these things probably have happened to you over the course of your experience with a narcissistic partner. There are so many reasons why we fall back after doing so well…after feeling stronger than ever for the first time in forever…and we must be gentle with ourselves and at the same time be sane in our response to it.
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You don’t have to give in to the feeling of missing this very bad person and you also don’t have to forgive a narcissist – not now or in the future. When you start asking yourself if he will return, if you feel like you’re suddenly waiting again, if you don’t understand why you’ve taken ten steps back after moving five steps forward, understand that you are in recovery much like any other addict.
Look hard at your intention with everything you do, say, and think during this time. Deep down, you don’t want the narcissist back. Not really. I know you don’t. The good sex (when he obliged) or the funny joke (when he felt like entertaining you) or the “I love you” (when he was telling you what you needed to hear to give him what he wanted) or the tenderness (that he extended to everyone when duty called)…none of that is worth more your freedom and happiness, my friends.
Remember that throughout the relationship and during every break-up or silent treatment, our suffering changed nothing. If our suffering changes nothing, then we might as well try to be fucking happy!
Stay strong and be safe in the journey!
spiritfilled12
July 17, 2015 at 12:11 pmListen, I have read a number of articles on this very dark subject matter and this one REALLY hit home. I was in this type of relationship (marriage) and did not even know it until at last I was discarded. So in my search for understanding what the hell happened a pandora’s box was opened making the past six years of my life quite difficult to comprehend and grapple with. Now I understand why people refer to them as evil. When I see pictures of him my blood boils. It’s like sleeping with the devil himself. Thankfully, I did not have any real ties with him. Although we were married we had no children. However, I had to take my time and heal from the brain washing. His new supply the other woman has a son for him. He created this image of me to be this crazy aggressive harmful and destructive person to his family and friends (and tried to convince some of mine as well) when in fact I am a very gentle and quiet natured human being. Today, thankfully, I can boast of being in a very happy and healthy genuine relationship and my N since the discard has NEVER made an attempt to find me nor I him. The NO CONTACT rule is so crucial and as you said like a drug you feel drawn to return to old ways but over time it gets better and easier until you experience true freedom, strength and power.
spiritfilled12 yanzodlovesponge
Shoshannah
June 18, 2015 at 1:32 pmThank you for this blog. It’s only now that I am discovering it… it’s only a few days ago that – epiphany! – I got it that NPD is what I’m dealing with with my lover. We’re now on a silent treatment, it’s been a month, and I am trying to heal and move on. And when I’m reading your posts, it feels like you know both my boyfriend and me so well! Really – like I was reading about exactly our relationship. Very helpfull to finally start to understand all those mechanisms. Thank you.
Zari Ballard
June 18, 2015 at 9:56 pmHey girl,
See my response to your second post!:)
Jamie
June 12, 2015 at 9:03 amMy narcissist left me for my best friend at end of January. He gave me silent treatment one week on one week off. Eventually come March he really wanted me he just wanted to date after 5 yrs living together and having four children. Anyway, last two months I started distancing myself. I felt like me again, smiling, laughing and enjoying life. I was at peace. 2 weeks ago he broke into my house and saw I had a male roommate who was a friend from years ago when I wasn’t home and he lost it. Punched holes in my walls, stabbed my walls and went through all my stuff and destroyed it. He told me I was his wife not the roommates etc. I moved out the next day. He went on a tangent of wanting kids and I and he made the biggest mistake and he was an idiot, that he needs me and he mentioned suicide and how great I was and he loved me etc. He apparently cried and was in bad spot wanted us to move in together etc. Three days he kept saying how great I was and he is better now. After three days he distance himself. I feel like I was put back 10 steps after I made so much progress. This is a sick game and unfortunately he knows now I don’t play that way. He wants to take me to court for the kids and I sAid go for it. I showed pics I took of my house and his suicidal msgs and I said you clearly have mental issues and if you think a normal human will allow you to have full access to my kids he had another thing coming and he instantly said why are you doing this to me. After he broke into my house I worry what if I was there what would of happened, or watching my back. Because after I moved he searched the city for me.
I am just at a loss as to why they do this crap!
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 10:24 amHi Jamie,
Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry you are going through that. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It’s a cheap and easy read and it will explain to you exactly what he is doing and how his twisted mind thinks. I guarantee that it will empower you to move forward. You are SO RIGHT to stand up to him as far as the children go. Narcissists rely on our weaknesses and fully expect us to back down. Don’t do it. You have all the evidence that you need for the courts to decide in your favor and he would be a complete idiot to take it that far but, then again, narcissists are COMPLETE IDIOTS – so be prepared.
You already know that you can move on…that it IS possible to feel better and laugh and smile and forget his sorry ass. After what he did, it needs to be over. You know that he would just do it again and probably has done it many times that you don’t even know about. This is just a set back and we’ve all had them. You are so much stronger than you even know and you CAN do it again, sister. I know that you can! Please get the book and be sure to read all of the articles on this site as well as all of the comments below each one. Knowledge is power. Don’t give in to his bullying and, if you have to, get a retraining order to keep him away. Enough is enough and you deserve to be happy!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Cantbelieveit
June 8, 2015 at 4:51 pmHi, first of all thank you for this post. Was super helpful. I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for 1.5y and she broke up with me 1.5 months ago. At the beginning it seemed exactly as you describe: it seemed I had found my soulmate. She was always with me, we shared so many things and seemed we had so much in common. All my interests and passions seemed to be hers as well. Those were the best 8 months of my life! Never been happier. Having had bad experiences in the past I was very reluctant to open myself and let the guard down, but she seemed so caring and interested in me that little by little I finally thought I had found true happiness. She started proposing me to get married (although always in a relaxed tone) after less than 5 months. She was in school at the time, finishing a master degree (we are both 30). I work a lot as I have my own company, but that was never a problem for her. Actually she seemed to support me and to be very proud of me. Then once she graduated last summer and started working again everything changed. All of a sudden she had less time to party with her friends and work was very hard for her. Obviously I did my very best to stay next to her and cheer her up, support her in his career and make he life as easier as possible. What I wasn’t noticing was the change in attitude towards me. The more I was giving to her, the more I cared, and the more she started demanding. Criticizing me for anything I was doing. Little surprises that till then had made her super happy started to annoying her, she started spending less and less time with me and my friends but constantly complained that I wasn’t having fun with HER friends. Btw, all her friends were super nice with me and actually loved me. When she broke up with me they couldn’t believe the way she treated me. My work also started becoming a problem: she started telling me that I wasn’t dedicating her enough time and working too much. That I wasn’t organizing anything with her. That he wanted to travel and discover new places but I was holding her back (since we broke up she has been traveling and partying every single weekend). But the more I tried to “fix myself” and satisfy her complaints the more she pushed me away. Every time I told her I was feeling taken for granted, or whenever I was complaining about her not putting effort in the relationship, she pretended not to hear and changed topic or counter attacked me blaming me for her behavior. Eventually she asked me for a break, made me cancel three trips we had planned together, all while blaming me I was not spending enough time with her. She was avoiding me and then blaming me for not spending time with her. After that break (where she completely disappeared and ignored me) she finally put me in the situation of telling her that she couldn’t treat me like that forever. That was the moment I got the sentence: “I love you, but I don’t know if I’m in love with you”. I want butterflies in the stomach the day I get married, and I’m not sure you can give those to me. My world fell apart. Few weeks after I found out she had spent all that time apart with a co-worker of hers. She said it was just a friend and that I was crazy. Now that I think about it all the problems started when she started working with him. She never ever admitted a single fault on her side regarding the relationship. She left me and disappeared. I’m so happy I was able to do NC right away, and I’ve been able to successfully keep up with it for 1.5months now. Blocked her from everything, social media included. No idea of what it’s going on in her life right now, but I know she doesn’t give a s*it about me. Total silence from her side as well. The question is: Is she a N? Why do I feel so hurt? Why can’t I let go? Why do I hope she will eventually come back (probably just to tell her to f*ck off – or maybe not), but at the same time I am terrified about the scenario that I will eventually move on in months just to have her back contacting me right after? Any help would be incredible. Thank you so much!
Zari Ballard
June 20, 2015 at 2:38 amDear CantBelieveIt,
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for what you are going through. Here’s the deal…based on the information you’ve given and the scenario you’ve described, I’m going to have to be honest and say that I don’t get the vibe instantly (like I usually do) that this girl is a narcissist. This is not to say that I think she’s a good person (having treated like you like she did) but much of the characteristics don’t seem to be there. Please understand that, while every narcissist is a cheater, not every cheater is a narcissist. It’s obvious that she met someone when she went to work and make a decision based on that meeting and whatever happened after that. It sounds as if she simply lost interest in the relationship because of her feelings for this person and chose to spin the blame on you instead of being honest. This is a very mean and hurtful thing to do and it certainly doesn’t say much about her character, that’s for sure. But is she a narcissist? No, I don’t get that feeling. I do feel, however, that you are much better of without her – whether she’s a narcissist or not!
Now, if I were you, I’d continue to read about narcissism just to really wrap your head around it AND just in case I am wrong and she’s chooses to pop back in. Female narcissists/manipulators are very evil and I actually wrote a book about this called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. If you can, please download from Amazon for a real eye-opener. No matter what she is, she’s nothing nice, my friend. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. Life is too short for any of us to be putting up with bullshit from anyone anymore.
Stay Strong and I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Brandy Walker
May 17, 2015 at 7:12 pmHi! I don’t really know where to start or what to say. I’ve been in a relationship with someone that I am now beginning to believe is a narcissistic and possibly has narcissistic personality disorder. Met him when I was 22 and I just turned 40. This is the first time ever he has told me to go away and leave him alone, that our relationship was nothing. Of course, he has cheated and left me before. This go around it is different though. I realize I should be happy that he has left me again and is discrediting our entire relationship and has sought another who is far less than myself. But I am not. I am hurting and am trying to learn about this so I can make some sense of it. My friends think I shouldn’t grieve and be sad or at least that’s how I perceive things. The first time we broke up we were living together and he moved out and moved next door. Made it difficult to make a break from one another so we never did although it has been very rocky since the cheating 3 years ago. He has gone back and forth between the two of us. I believed he had finally said goodbye to the other woman. Apparently I was wrong and I called him out on his lies and behaviors and he has dismissed me out of his life. I’m not ok with it. I definitely know I am trauma bonded to him and this feels like my soul is being ripped apart. Not sure what to do with myself. My description is very short and not in much detail. My brain isn’t working well and my heart just hurts. I have begun counseling but don’t even know what I need to do to heal. Feel like I’ve lost everything and then some.
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2015 at 8:26 pmHi Brandy,
So sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. I am very sorry for what you are going through. Understand that this guy is never ever going to change – ever. You can be mad and hurt and sick about it forever and he still won’t care. He will continue to play you, going back and forth with his game of seduce and discard, for as long as you allow it. He doesn’t deserve the evil satisfaction of doing it any longer and it all must stop.
As for what friends think, the truth is that if a person hasn’t experienced the weirdness of this type of manipulation, they simply do not understand. For that reason, I learned long before my relationship ended, to stop talking about it. Knowing that whenever I was with my friends and family, I wasn’t going to talk about it took a lot of pressure off of me emotionally.
Do me a favor and download my books from Amazon starting with When Love Is a Lie. I guarantee that you will change your thinking and get on the right path. I’ve been there, rocked that and I know everything that your thinking and feeling. My books are cheap, easy to read, and they will empower you:) You can get over this, I promise you. Commit to being happy and you will slowly find it happening. I did it and you can too.
Keep reading here and be sure to read through the stories in the comment section of the articles. And please do read the books! You will soon see that you are part of a very understanding group of people that are here to support you:)
Zari xo
Natalia
May 10, 2015 at 7:58 amI needed so badly to see this. I am near suicidal right now, literally have never thought so much about it and how to do it. I will not, because it would hurt those who actually do love me. However, on this mother’s day this is the lowest I have ever felt.
I was in a relationship with what I believe was an N and even if he wasn’t, he had enough of the traits. We were together for 4 years in grad school and he did all the classic things to me. I am also a co-dependent. In addition, I even went though with an abortion while with him , which was the most horrifying and awful experience of my life (it ended up with me having to console him and tell him he was a good boyfriend). Years of abuse, and he eventually ended it with me giving me reasons why I wasn’t good enough to commit to.
Even three years after all that, we stayed friends and he strung me along. I would do everything for him- cook, entertain him, do favors for him. We weren’t physical much during that time because he always had problems in the bedroom (was addicted to online porn). Eventually something did happen between us and then he pulled away as they always do. I confronted him and told him I wanted us to be together and he told me he couldn’t. He said he didn’t see us being together ever again and the only reason he slept with me was because he was drunk the night before, was horny, and hadn’t masturbated in some time. I was devastated. I finally stopped seeing him but did not go completely NC until 4 months later when I found out he was dating another woman and I was dating another man.
The new man is healthy and wonderful. I probably don’t deserve him. He does everything a partner should and I found myself falling for him and forgetting my ex.
He moved in 5 months after we started dating and things were great. Until one day my ex showed up at my front door in tears .Since that day two months ago I have broken NC and started seeing my ex again. He told me he loved me and made a mistake, and apologized for everything he did to me. He told me he knows something is wrong with him and he wants to be better. He sent me love letters telling me how he thinks about our wedding, our house, our kids and what a great mother I will be. Everything was going well. I told him it would take me time to trust him and to break up with my current boyfriend. In this time we have not done anything physical because I already feel bad enough talking to him while dating someone else. It has been 7 weeks, and in the last 3 weeks I felt the gut wrenching that is all too familiar. The texts from him decreased, I was the one doing all the initiating. I made up my mind to break up with current boyfriend and when we met up two nights ago I told him this. I was going to do it this weekend. He freaked out, telling me he has “disconnected” from his feelings with me because they were too painful for him. He says I am putting too much pressure on him by leaving my bf for him. He says he now needs time to feel the way he did when he came to my door. He raged and swore at me telling me he had to distance himself from me since I wasn’t acting fast enough and he was waking up in the middle of the night feeling miserable and he isn’t a miserable person. He told me maybe his distancing himself made me take action and he tried justifying it. He complained that I said too many good things about my current bf and how dare I hurt him like that (I have only said that I feel like a bad person for breaking up with someone who has done nothing to me, that I feel bad for having to hurt someone I care about and who maybe loves me, that I never would have gotten into another relationship if I ever thought he would want to be with me and actually come back, that I only got into a relationship after he told me with finality months ago that we would never be together). I disintegrated into tears. I sobbed so hard I could barely breathe. He stood and watched me. Here and there he would touch my arm. When I looked at him it was the same blank look he always had when we fought.
He called me yesterday and just said the same things over and over. Told me to “sit tight” even though it must be hard for me, but he has to reconnect with how he feels. Told me knows he still wants to be with me. To which I say, to hell with him. There is no way I will be with him now, he showed me exactly what I was afraid of. That is was all just words and no substance.
I am so mad at myself, mad for believing his bs. Mad for resetting my emotional heartbreak. Mad for betraying the current man I’m with. The man I’m with is a better person than my ex and a better person than me. I don’t know how I could betray him this way for my loser ex narc snake. I’m just devastated.
Elizabeth
March 23, 2015 at 3:49 pmSo if the narcassist returns to u because the person they were with were behaving badly according to their relationship agenda. If you take them back. Will they go back to the person they left you for if that person starts to behave well?
Zari Ballard
March 26, 2015 at 10:18 pmHi Elizabeth,
Thank you for writing and finding your way to my blog. I want you to think about your question, in a way, you answered it. If the narcissist returns to you, he shouldn’t be anywhere near the other girl to even know if she’s behaving well, right? How would he know that? But, deep down, you’re assuming he will and guess what? You’re right! Yup, he’ll eventually return to her and whether it’s because you start behaving “badly” (in his twisted way of thinking) or whether it’s because she’s behaving well, it doesn’t matter. He’s still a cheater that goes back and forth. Narcissists keep everyone in a “queue” or grab-bag where he/she can just reach in and pull one out when the need arises. It’s just what they do. Sure, some are kicked out of the queue for certain reasons (i.e. they won’t put up with his shit ever again and he knows it) but, for the most part, everyone gets a spot in the queue. You have to ask yourself if taking him back is worth the risk because the chances of his leaving are about 97%, give or take. You and he could even be back together and getting along and she may even contact him (for the same reasons that you do). That alone could prompt him to take off for awhile. This shouldn’t be acceptable for any of us ever again.
Stay strong and stay away from him! You deserve better!
Zari xo