The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.
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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.
The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.
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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.
My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.
Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.
I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.
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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.
YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.
ReRe
May 3, 2016 at 9:07 pmMy father is a narcissist. But he’s not a cheater. I fell in love with a cheating Narcissist. A step up the ladder. When I say it was the longest year of my existence. He would pull me in, make me feel like I’m the only one in his arms. Kiss, caress and make love to me like I was his world. I never felt such a connection with anyone before. A few monthes in I fell in love…in a daze I knew I had to hide myself and act clueless until I could figure out how this guy’s mind worked. He seemed normal on the outside. Beautiful. Confident. Wealthy. But inside he was insecure, weak and controlling. After 11 monthes of ups and downs and various lies and manipulative tactics, an abortion (he was trying to trap me), threats if I went anywhere he will hunt me down and so forth, he settled down for me. Foolishly I thought this was love. But I woke up. Which happens to me in every relationship around the year mark. And the man I once loved disgusted me. In bed I would wince when he got near me, he would ask me whats wrong and I told him now I have to pretend that I enjoy fucking him, but I can’t pretend. He didn’t care. He would still force himself on me as I fought him. I started going out with friends on weekends instead of seeing him, he would wait for me angry as hell I came over late and then force himself on me. He started going out to find new victims because he suspected I was cheating. When in reality I had just found my worth and I was tired of the same old bullshit…lies and manipulation. Thanks to my best friends and my mother’s support. They helped me thru the emotional wreck that I endured. When I told him I didn’t want to have sex I want to focus on school he told me fine, but I’ll fuck other people. So casually. I was pissed. I strategized my escape plan. I became friends with him to fully comprehend how his mind works, apparently all men cheat, and he’s incapable of love. A purebred narcissist. When he was out of town I deleted his phone number, deleted whatsapp and got a new sim card. ???????????????? Good riddance bitch. I bought a new benz, got a new man (who wordships the ground I walk on) and a new identity…I cut everyone off from my past life that associated with him or reminded me of him. The saddest moment is remembering the tears in his eyes when he said that this is what he gets for giving someone everything and the fear in his eyes when I woke up from my daze. He told me he missed the old me. I don’t. That me died and I buried her heart within the corpse he made of me.
A note to all survivors. Ur not crazy. Ur worthy of love. Know your self worth. Lavish yourself. Get your own money!!! And respect yourself. If you ever get trapped in such a situation ask yourself…how long can I live this way? What will my kids think of me? Will they see me as weak? If he can’t love me..will he love them? Be a strong woman. Learn to be independent. And only open your heart to those who open there’s to you. That’s what saved me..I hid my love deep inside me…preserved it for me. The summoned it when the time was right. After I won, after I got my conclusion, after he said I always have him. Checkmate.
Zari Ballard
May 6, 2016 at 9:17 pmReRe wrote…If you ever get trapped in such a situation ask yourself…how long can I live this way? What will my kids think of me? Will they see me as weak? If he can’t love me..will he love them? Be a strong woman. Learn to be independent. And only open your heart to those who open there’s to you
Hi ReRe,
Thanks for sharing, amen, and carry on! Couldn’t have possibly said it better, sister:)
Zari xo
Celeste
May 8, 2016 at 12:35 amReRe: He’s not just a narcissist, he is a rapist. For all the times he ‘forced himself’ on you.. He sounds like a repeat offender as well.
Jane Doe
April 28, 2016 at 6:56 pmMy how I wish I had read these things sooner. I had no idea people like this existed. I’ve been in a relationship with someone who fits this exactly for nearly four years. Only after I became pregnant did I catch him for sure with his lies, I don’t even know for sure how many women. He talks himself up to be a wonderful person. But it’s all lies, now since or child was born he is very disrespectful to me, I can have no opinion, he knows how to do everything and how dare I try to tell him something. If I try to confront him about anything he always manipulates it to be me or my fault. He rarely works, I support our child, provide our home thanks to help from my family, all utilities, most groceries and baby supplies. I work full time but I am broke! He can’t keep a job and always places blame on everyone else. He will never see that it’s really him. I’m terrified what having a father like this will do to my precious baby. I’ve tried to get him to leave and he threatens to take our child.
Zari Ballard
May 11, 2016 at 3:04 pmHi Jane Doe,
How about if YOU leave (with baby, of course)? The fact that you are the sole provider, in cases like this, is actually a good thing. It tells me that you can make it without him and YOU CAN. Narcissists LOVE to intimidate about children…threatening to take the child, to fight for custody, to call CPS over every little thing…and it’s a bunch of bullshit. Don’t let him do this! Even though it doesn’t feel like it, you actually have the upper hand in this…and you have to think that way!
Start getting a strategy together for yourself and your child. It sounds as if you have family support and that’s awesome…can’t you just pack up and go there? If not that, plan on getting your own place….hook up an apartment and then when it’s all done, have some family members and friends come and move you. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on!! He’s manipulating you and you’re allowing it. Say no more! If you’re worried about giving up the place that you’re in, sometimes we have to let things go and then better things take it’s place.
Don’t wait because life is too short. As for the baby, the baby will be fine. Don’t worry about that. Be the best mom possible and don’t worry about him. Look at him as the loser that he is and get up and going. You are not doomed to be in this relationship.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
D
March 24, 2016 at 12:13 pmWow! Unreal this is as if this book is about my relationship. He actually treated me like I was on top of the world & his one & only. He introduced me to this girl who was his “best friend” in the beginning to find out 2 1/2 years later he’d been sleeping with her the entire time & before me as well. He would leave me at times randomly & would silence himself. Would actual shower, shave & I’d be waiting ffor him in bed with my lingerie & he’d come out dressed at 1am & say he’s running out to get a beer. I wouldn’t see him or hear from him until the next day. His father lives around the corner so he’d always use that as an excuse or a place to hide out & probably cheat on me. He’s left at times I wouldn’t even see it coming & blame something me & make me genuinly feel as if it was MY FAULT for his disappearance & he’d return as if nothing ever happened. He’s admitted to cheating once with his “friend” & says he never cheated again. I have a 4 month old with this monster & he even made me do a DNA test. Would return whenever he felt convenient & say while he was gone I’d been cheating, I get accused CONSTANTLY even if he leaves for 2 hours he’ll say I cleaned the house for someone to come here to sleep with me then I’d get rid of them before he came home. It’s left me in ruins.
Sasha
March 12, 2016 at 7:55 pmYes I am very jeolous of the women he married with whom he cheated on me after five years .it made me sick wen I saw their happy faces on fb ,she is living my dream . He is flashing her on social media as if she is his ultimate soulmate n yes it hurts a lot to see them together.I blame myself for trusting this ass. I cry my eyes out n think how can a person do such nasty thing… n thank god I now have a answer for it.NARCISSIST. I was trapped by a narc. My ex is a excellent manipulator n lier.. he can lie for anything anytime .the whole relationship was fake .he faked love, care to get what he wanted and I am pretty sure he will not change . Only thing dat was not fake was his rage ,anger , rudeness, lack of morals , sympathy. Along with good days I try to remember bad days which I was made to forget n forgive as bad dreams .days when I was insulted, beaten, criticised..made to cry profusely for raising my opinion.. oh how I can forget them.. but I tried to overlook them as I thought of the bigger picture , us getting married happily , having kids n thinking he will change after marriage! Wat a fool I was.I was spared a great deal of his anger n manipulation as we stayed apart at our respective parents house .and we use to meet only twice a week. I now totally understand the ordeal of married victims who gave their everything but in return got abuse day and night. I sometimes pity his wife as she is his new source but the jealousy part will be more dominant as I loved him a lot n my feeling were real for him all the time.. wish somebody tells me wats going in their life after few years … I know I am am not lonely here many are thinking same..hope someday I feel lucky not to be his wife..
T
March 10, 2016 at 11:51 pmThank You the place where we can share and get support. The more stories I read, the more I realize I am not alone. Its heartbreaking to know so many people walk the same path.
I could really use some help at the moment. I’ve been in a 3+ year relationship, and it has been the most tumultuous relationship of my life, and tonight I caught her lying in a major way, and unfortunately its not the first time. This time is a little different because she couldn’t talk her way out of as she normally tries– in the sense that some random guy was at her house when I showed up.
Recently, I have felt like something is wrong with me, like I might be a N (or BPD) myself. My lack of trust and her manipulative/sneaky ways have me on edge, im always ready to snap at the slightest lie she tells, or when she is obviously skewing the facts or outright changing them, or devaluing me, or giving me over the top affection right after devaluing me, and shes constantly keeping track of me and txt’ing and calling…heaven forbid if i don’t answer or respond quickly…..I feel like im going crazy, and I’ve felt this way for a while in this relationship, but I’ve had a really hard time separating. She always says all the right things right when im thinking about calling it off for good.
So tonight she calls me as im getting clse to leave work (about 6:45pm) and asks if i want to come over after work (well first she asked if I was already at home, I live 35 mins away, should have been red flag #1), I said no because I was tired and just felt like going home (which instantly made her demeanor really cold, i could tell she was upset by my response). So after about 30 mins I tried calling her and didn’t get an answer, so I sent her a txt saying I changed my mind and wanted to stop by after work. She called me back about 10-15 minutes later and say “whats up”, in a really detached un-loving, un-girlfriend way. I said not much and I asked if she got my text. she said “yeah im good off that,” which was surprising, even for her. I asked why, and she said she was about to head out to the store to pick up dinner and wouldn’t be home for me to stop by, and then we ended the conversation. Something about the way she was talking had alarm bells going off and red flags waving in my head. So, i finished my work, got a bite to eat and stopped by her place…this was about 45-50 mins after we talked. I knock on the door and shes already at it to let me in (she says she heard my car). I walk in and bam, some random guy she claims is her friend is sitting at the table having drinks with her (she quit drinking 12 months ago). I get visibly upset and walk out and she follows. She proceeds to tell me he just stopped by a minute or two ago because he was in the neighborhood, and that is was completely random. Since she has a bad history of lying and cheating, I immediately ask her to show me her cell phone logs/txts (this would prove he just called a couple mins ago). she told me her phone was dead. I asked her to get it…i can see the screen glowing when she grabs it, she starts frantically doing something that out of my view. She walks away and says she not letting in her phone because I might dig something up (I didn’t even have time to ask what that meant)…so I ask her to show me so I don’t have to touch her phone. She then says no because her ex-boyfriend had text her and she doesn’t want me to see it (this is the same ex that she has cheated on me with, and had broken off contact with him over a year ago, allegedly, as part of our agreement for us to stay together). At this point im pissed, and crying, and raising my voice (I had already told the random guy to leave) and so she’s trying to turn it around on me in various ways…I almost apologized for being upset for being lied to and mislead and whatever else she was doing. Then she kicked me out for yelling, I might have deserved it, but I wasnt yelling that loud, I was being loud but I couldn’t keep calm as much as I wanted to, she was lying to cover up the lies and getting caught up in her own lies. It was like being emotionally stabbed, over and over, and she just wouldn’t stop. At one point she is sitting down with this smirk on her face as im pointing out all of the inconsistencies, and mis-truths, and how her talking to her ex is a horrible breach of trust, and she gives me a thumbs-up….a freaking thumbs-up. Its like she didn’t even care she was talking to her ex, she didn’t care or even see how it was wrong to tell me not to come by and then have some other guy at her house. She even tried to say if I spent more time with her then I’d know who this guy is (I spend damn near every moment I have outside of work with her), and she even said that it’s not like I caught her having sex with him…
am I going crazy? I know if she didn’t have a long history of lying and cheating that my reaction is way over the top, but i’m so damn on edge these days. I could tell by the way she was talking on the phone something was up….he was probably there already and she was trying to hide it. What do I do? am I over reacting? I love this girl, I didn’t want to go find her at home with another guy, I didn’t want this to happen at all. I hoped it was my insecurities getting the better of me.
So now im at home, my phone is off, my heart is racing. I feel stupid, remorseful, sorry (some reason I feel sorry for getting upset with her), I regret walking in on that situation was it worth it, what have I done? Did I just lose my friend? how can I ever forgive her for this?
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2016 at 11:30 pmHi T,
OMG…please send me an update, brother, and let me know how you’re doing. I am so so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Please forgive me! You’re story is heart-breaking. This girl is a full-blown narc and the worst of the worst. I am going to send you my book about female narcs from my personal email. I will send it to the email that you used to post this post so please look for it.
I also want an update…so much could have happened between the time you wrote and now. You can write me back by responding to me email w/ the books or here and it will bump you to the top. I hope you are okay…
Check your email….I really am here to support you….
Zari xo
Christina
April 9, 2016 at 9:28 amHi. T
Dont feel bad i know that situation all to well.
My ex N actually had a Window of giving bad
Need it was Always when i was Leaving work it was the 5-6pm Window. In which much OF the conversation was BS.. And the underlying reason for the call was to tell me he was busy doing something and he wouldnt make it to dinner or for me not to come by.. We know from the get go and All the red flags that they are lying thru their Teeth.. Many times i Turned a blind Eye because sometimes it was Easier that way but, in the End we are only lying to ourselves and Trying to cope. My situation reached ITS climax 2 Weeks ago when i decides not to look the other way anymore. I called and OF course he Didnt answer he texted me Back to tell me that he was finishing up and that he Would call me when he got out. OF course i was literally outside his house and he was very much AT Home. I Walked to his door and the músic was blaring inside like a club.. I literally Stood there for a Few minutes.. Actually contemplating my situation knowing that I Would be turning my lífe upside Down. We did lots OF FUN Things together that we Both enjoyed so much but i decided Either i continúe to live this false Relationship or confront it. So my hand knocked.. And the situation from there forward escalated and i a calm person got confrontational, agressive and combative.. I was blinded by rage..the only way i can describe it is being backed up in a córner with the only option to fight Back. Bottom line i havent talked to him since ITS been 9 days now and i myself Like you question myself. He Should be Angry with me!!!! Then i tell myself why should i be Thinking OF how he feels.. How many times as he hurt me and i have forgiven him, how many líes have i Looked the other way.. Trust me T the Last think they are Thinking is About how we are feeling and how they lied to US… They are just concerned that they got caught not sorry OR the léast bit rémorseful for what they did.. I have been on this Ride for 5 years and I have no doubt that im dealing with a narcassist. i have not been Able to break away well Aware that this Road Leads to Nowhere.. I dont want to tell you that the Road ahead is Easy. Shoot i dont Even know how im going to handle tomorrow. Some days are easier, some days im anxious but in those days i remind myself that honestly though i miss him i dont want that type OF Relationship. I have an never ending Letter in my mind that i AM Always editing and revising OF All that i want to Say. I want him to call , i dont want him to call. If he calls- should i answer should i not.. No Contact!!!! I have to be okay with the fact that after 5 years OF memories, vacations, family time.. That i have to be okay with no closure and Walk away with Things left Messy. I just want to let you know that ITS not easy but that you are not alone..
Best OF luck!!!
Susana
March 10, 2016 at 10:14 pmOmg this article was written in 2014 and yet here I am 2016 finding everything you have written on point. I have never in my life felt so disrespected than what I am going through today. I feel angry, sad, and just horrible. I find it disturbing watching his behavior, and him showing no signs of remorse for what he has done. This article is 100% true everything that was written is exactly what is happening right now in my situation. What amazes me about it is trying to explaining to him his actions and how wrong they are. Basically, a waste of my time trying to explain. I find myself fighting with my emotions. Forcing my heart to take the pain, rather than continue with this emotional abuse. I’m speechless and pray to God for his help. If their is one thing I learned, it is that no one gets to live it up on doing wrong with out paying their dues. No one.
Celeste
April 24, 2016 at 6:30 pmIt takes a long time to phathom that a person whom you fell so hard for has absolutely no objective except to fullfil his own needs. There are no feelings for you, like you have for him. The gushy lovey feelings you have after sex with him are not his feelings. Sex with him is like using the bathroom- its eliminating a need, you being the recepticle. The trick is not to take it personally- he doesnt treat you any differently than anyone else. He basically treats every woman like shit. If you managed to be a girlfreind or lover, consider yourself lucky. I can only imagine what it is like for those that recite the matrimony to them or have kids by them.
Zari Ballard
April 24, 2016 at 11:13 pmHi Celeste,
BINGO!!!! You win the A for the day, girl! Yes, the N cares no more for us than he does for the girl he cheats on us with or the girl who rang out his groceries this morning. Once I got this through my head…once the light bulb went on…I was go to go for recovery. In my book, it’s much easier to accept that he never loved me at all than to imagine that he DID love me and/or I WAS the favorite and he STILL did all those things. Those that have children and/or are married to these creatures need to know that it was never them…that they can survive this nightmare. It’s all about putting it into perspective…
Thanks for laying it out there…
Zari xo
Celeste
July 19, 2016 at 7:54 pmYou have helped so many Zari ! I love the way that you don’t hedge around and prefer to call them the motherfuckers they are! Its helpful because of the amnesia we face after being without them when they head for the hills for long periods, and come back like nothing happened or no time has lapsed. Oh hes so hot. Ohhh but hes so good in the sack. Blehh. Mine ( also called Wayne) was textbook. I always remembered his birthdays with lavished love – he never acknowledged mine. He also did a runner right before thanksgiving and reappeared after New Years. Every year. No explanation. Anytime it got too close, or I felt he was becoming dependant or following basic common courtesies, he’d do his disappearing act. He couldnt follow rules for long. He was stupid ( although a professional) and gullible- in that i got his passcode to yahoo and found hed been communicating, and God knows what – with MANY women. All shapes & sizes & races. He didnt know i knew all about his personal life. ( through internet snooping) and never really guessed i was on to all his crap. He’d frequently forget lies and tell on himself .. And i learned to read between fabrications and half truths.
Eventually you get tired of the games & they never do!
Love, Celeste
KH
September 2, 2016 at 1:59 pmYes, you made some very valid points but I still find it hard to accept that while he was cheating on me with another woman, FOR YEARS and was also on dating sites, he ended marrying the woman, yet he still was trying to sleep with me (I found out about her and him marrying her randomly on fb shortly after they got married…i told her he’s been cheating on her and i told him to never contact me again). I just find it very hard to recover knowing he’s now loyal to her and has built a life with her and completely disposed of me. Does he really love a woman he married, however has been cheating on for years (prior to marriage)?
Zari Ballard
September 2, 2016 at 10:49 pmHi KH,
Narcissists never change – ever. Here’s an article that will help…you deserve to recover, girl!
Zari:)
Joshua Stoudt
March 1, 2016 at 1:46 amI forgot to mention that when i did want to leave, he said if you leave your not coming back as i had nowhere to go! He then threatened to call the police and report my vehicle stolen, thus throwing me in jail and hit me everytime i mentioned that i was leaving because the conversation of me leaving would always end in a hitting battle. I was so very scared! Ontop of being heart broken and nervous.