Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

is-the-narcissist-happyWhen we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get itBut how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship. And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.

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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.

So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.

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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.

So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.

The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free.  And Amen to that!

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  • JF

    October 11, 2017 at 8:27 am Reply

    Thank you for this post. My story is a bit different, I think. You see, the new supply isn’t new at all. My N and I dated for two years when we were in our early twenties, he cheated, it didn’t work out, and he moved out. Fast forward 10 years, and I was newly divorced. It’s like the N could sense it, and he emailed me. We started getting together every now and then, and I assumed that he had grown up and could stay faithful now. I mean, he had just gotten out of a long term relationship because, even though they had a son together, the ex was crazy. Good thing he dodged that bullet, right? We had a great time together, and I was so happy that he was back in my life. Things slowly got more serious, I introduced him to my daughter, we spent nearly every evening/weekend together. After about two years of this, he said he was going to start being more selfish with his time, had plans to stay in (“in” was his mother’s basement that he called home) almost every weekend. A little investigation on my part revealed he was dating his sister’s best friend. Someone who he had dated right after we broke up the first time years ago. I confronted him and got some story about how he wasn’t attracted to her, but it was expected that they date because of how much she meant to the family. It would never work out and he didn’t want to lose me. So I stayed. Basically told him I would take what I could get. After a year and a half of him choosing her over me regularly, he came to me and said it was over with them , he only ever wanted me, and that was that. He moved in. I was over the moon happy – I finally had a commitment! Once we lived together is when the raging started. Anytime he didn’t come home from work until midnight or after (he got out at 5:00), I would ask where he had been and he would flip out and accuse me of sabotaging the relationship. I continued to check his phone regularly, and discovered several other women he would sleep with, but he wasn’t dating them. And I justified it all by thinking that I wanted him so badly, and he came home to me every night, so it wasn’t that big a deal. But it was. And i resented him. And I bought us a house that he never paid a dollar to help with. No bills either. I paid for everything. I would confront him about cheating, and he would say that it was because I made him so unhappy. So I would try harder to remind him why I was his favorite. But I would only make him more upset, so he would go silent for days or sometimes weeks, while still living in my house. He would have me sleep on the couch. This went on for the past 8 years. He left me in June after accusing me of cheating and being a pathological liar. Then for the next three months he called and texted everyday begging me to convince him to come back, but no matter what I said or did, he would change the requirements. He finally showed up one night in August for “closure”. He kept telling me to say everything I wanted to say because this would be my last chance. I didn’t believe that because history had shown he would always be back. Of course, his closure came in the form of sex. So I definitely thought he’d be back. Turns out, he went back to his sister’s best friend. The one he walked out on four years ago for me. The one who found out from his sister that he’d been with me the entire time they had dated. She just took him right back. He used to tell me all the time that if something ever happened with us, he’d be able to get her back. She was in a relationship and ended it to go back to him. This is just boggling my mind! And they seem so happy. He accidentally sent me a picture of them, after which I blocked him and her and everyone who is even slightly associated with him on all forms of social media. But I am devastated. I knew there would be a new girl. But him going back to her seems like an even bigger slap in the face. I don’t want them to be happy. And I am having a really hard time accepting that it wasn’t me. I am so afraid he isn’t the horrible person I think he was, and I just expected too much of him. That she will keep him happy. I know I am not thinking rationally, but there are a million scenarios running through my head where this works out for him.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 13, 2017 at 12:33 am Reply

      Hi JF,

      This guy is a complete asshole narcissist and you are lucky to be away from him. You were absolutely right to block him and I hope you never have to deal with him again. As you surely know, he didn’t “accidentally” send you anything. He is a liar, a deceiver, a piece of shit person who will never change. You shouldn’t be mind-boggled as to why she would go back to him…he is obviously very good at what he does. She is just a victim like you but you know what? Better her than you! Don’t base your self-worth on the bad behaviors of some creep…I don’t care how long you were together. YOU are not and never were the problem. It sounds to me as if these two deserve each other.If he should resurface his ugly head, you will be doing yourself an absolute disservice if you even give him one second of your time. Take it from someone who has been there and learn from my mistakes. These people NEVER change. He has NEVER GIVEN YOU ONE REASON to think he can be a better man…not ONE…so don’t for a second think that he will. He’s a horrible, creepy person and if you allow it, he will STILL waste your life away. Don’t fall for the ruse…

      Zari xo

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