Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

is-the-narcissist-happyWhen we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get itBut how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship. And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.

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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.

So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.

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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.

So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.

The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free.  And Amen to that!

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225 Comments

  • Bianca Alena Martinez

    March 10, 2017 at 4:39 am Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I was involved with my son’s father for about 7 years almost. Engaged to be married. It never worked out. We were in an out of the relationship about 3 different times. If he found out I was seeing someone he would come in and say what he could to win me back. Once we got together finally it was a nightmare. He would abuse me verbally. Like call me an idiot. Punish me by not being intimate. Make me feel worthless. He was addicted to social media and still is. And look at half naked women. Made me feel inadequate. And so on. I finally called it quits with the hopes of him changing. I moved out. With a friend who turned out to be a great man. He knew I was moving out and with whom. Never stopped me and ran me out of the house. I kept this new relationship from him because I didn’t know how he would take it. Well he begged me back I was unsure. Last year around the same time he propositioned me to go back home. We had a long conversation and I wanted to but he backed out and changed his mind. I was so upset. Granted I was in this new relationship it didn’t compare to the one I had with him. Time went on and in the course of a year he bamboozled me into believing or thinking we would or could get back together. By every comment like ” when are you moving out of I think you should move out”! Or have me feel sorry for him and iron his shirts for work. When I would pick up my son. I really believed that we had another shot or he came to his senses. He would say ” slot can happen in a year ” or try to sleep with me any chance he could. Try to touch me and be inappropriate when I asked him not to. So last month I find out he’s been seeing someone I confront him and says it’s not his girlfriend. I felt like we just broke up. The emotions felt like a tidal wave. He said she makes him happy. I’m mortified. He brings her around my so who is now 4. And brings her to his family functions. He is boasting about it. And my baby doesn’t like her. He wants his dad and now it’s caused major problems. He opened up a conversation about us. Just last Sunday. I told him I was bothered by all the actions of his during the course of a year. And how it confused me. He took no responsibility I felt so stupid. He said ” did you actually think I would be ok with you moving back to my house if you left this guy”? What could I say? He said no it doesn’t work like that! You have to move out and be on your own and show me then maybe we could see about being together. Never did I imagine him to day something like that. I was angry. But held back. I said “Why did you ask me if I would leave him then?” He replied oh ” not leave for me it was just meant like just to leave ” I had no words except I told him it was my fault for misinterpreting all the signs. He just looked at me like a confused sad look. As if he knew what he had done but was never gonna admit to it. I noticed a set of keys belonging to his new gf and dismissed it. Later that evening I told him what I saw and said our personal lives are just that “personal”! Not to ask anymore questions about anything. And to leave me alone. He responded at 1:42am with a question about the keys. Totally missing the point. I ignored all his texts and calls the next day. Now he’s rubbing in my face anything he can about this other woman. Asking me to have our son call him on FaceTime only to see her dangling in front of the phone. He knew I would see or hear. It’s like he is so calculated on every move. I’m so hurt and I feel so angry with myself. We were a family and I don’t think it was important to him. His actions show me he’s happy as a clam. While I’m over here distraught. I don’t know how to move past this. If I mention the phone call or how it bothered me he will only do it more. After him telling me a few weeks ago he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me like rub anything in my face because he knows how it feels. I hate him right now. But I’m trying to keep my cool. It’s hard. Because it shows that he got the beat of me.

    I’m so glad I came across this website. I plan to order the book. I need a better understanding of what I have had to endure.

    Thank you.
    B.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 18, 2017 at 5:18 pm Reply

      Hi Bianca,

      I hope that you do read my book because it will bring you much relief. Your ex is so typical of a narcissist co-parent and he will try to keep you on the string until the end of time. Do not allow this! Do not allow him gaslight you into an apology…he knew exactly what he was doing when he ran you out. They never admit to anything but, believe me, they don’t feel sad about it deep inside either. Every day, all day is about what they can get away with. I’ve written some articles on co-parenting on this website with tips as to how you can deal with it and still keep your sanity. You must take the power back and refuse to give in to his nefarious tactics….and this has to start by keeping your interaction with him to a very small minimum. Just because you have a son together does not mean that you can’t have a life far and apart from his bullshit. YOU CAN DO THIS.

      Stays strong and I am here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • brokenheartedanddumb

    March 2, 2017 at 3:52 pm Reply

    my ex of three years treated me the exact same way. we are relatively young, him being 24 and me being 22 so we met at an even younger age. i was the first gf he had since coming out of prison. he definetly love bombed me, coming to my house every single day to the point where he ended up moving in with my family and i.he was so sneaky and blamed every problem on me. at times he would be so cold and distant and then be so loving. ive never met someone so full of themself he would look at himself or his outfit in every mirror we passed by while we were outside. there are really great things about him which caused me to stay. he broke up with me one time after a mutual agreement to have a “breaak” within 3 days!! he started talking to a new girl and then had others and i was so broken. he kept saying he wanted to work on himself and find himself…crap i know… we ended up back together and within a couple of months i ended it with him because i couldnt handle how he was treating me he would say he loved me and i was all he needed but his actions proved otherwise he couldnt keep a job and when he did have one he would only spend his money on clothes and unnecessary things, my parents would ask him to put down some sort of contribution to the house finacially and he would always have an excuse for why he couldnt he blamed me for why he couldnt go back to his grandmothers house because she said he couldnt come back if he left again but i told him to not move back in after we broke up the last time and he did anyway. right after we broke up he was begging me to take him back and saying that he would change and he knows how i deserve to be treated and all these things and we said we were going to work on it and the next day he ignored me and within 2 weeks he had a new gf. posting up pictures of them kissing and all these things. it hurt so much and i was a wereck long story short he ended up cheating on her with me multiple times and felt no remorse i also strongly believe he was talking to other girls at this time too he said he would feel bad if it was someone else but bc its me he didnt. he ended up breaking up with her for me and moved back in (im dumb i know) and he treated e great for a while and even proposed to me. he bought himself a ring to match mine and wore it on his wedding finger and when i asked him why bc men dont wear the ring until ater marriage, he said it was bc he wanted people to think he was married. and me being dumb felt so good bc it means he was really serious about being faithful. he wore the ring all the time everywhere. we ended up breaking up again in November bc he was gone for 3 weeks straight claiming he was spending time with his “cousin” who lives close to me and would get mad at me for asking him to come home or text and call saying that i have a problem with him being with his family which was not the case. i broke up with him and told him to get his stuff and he cursed me out and was so mean. our phone bills are connected and i couldnt get off his phone plan unless he gave me permission to come off and no matter how hard i tried he wouldnt give me permission and every month he would text me to let me know the phone bill was due and that was what he used to get to talk to me, he would say he needed an excuse to text me. we broke up in nov and we slept together every month up until now. i found out that he was cheating on me since august with a girl he worked with and that s why he was gone for those 3 weeks all the lies he told me, staying at work late and working for so long and still asking me for money bc he had none, one time he asked me for money to buy headphones and i said no bc i didnt have it and he was like its ok i know who i can ask..it was her…he told me that he loves her after he was trying so hard to get me back telling me how he misses me and how sorry he is and im the only one for him. ive asked him so many times if he was talking to someone or if he had a gf and he would say no and be soooo angry and say why can ti believe he just wants to be a better man for me, that was his thing, hes working on being a better man for me and he thought he could find happiness somewhere else but he cant and im who hes in love with but he loves her and all these things but shes ur gf tho. after him tellin gme that he was in love with her i found her on fb (fbi status) and i told her everything bc he also told me that she knew he had a fiance and still wanted to talk to him so i felt that she was just as horrible as he was i told her she could have him and let her know that he was still sleeping with and contacting me and she didnt believe me until i showed her screen shots. she broke down and she was the one who told me everything that happened between them he was obviously lying to and playing both of us. she said he talked about me to everyone telling thme horrible things about me and lies about me being horrible to hiom and he was gonna leave me for her when he was begging me not to leave everytime i tried to end it. i told her how he treated me and i even told her i suspected him of being a narcissist and she completey agreed and said she thinks hes a sociopath! she says he hasnt put her on fb or anythiing and i know he says fb is where all his family is so thats why im the only girl hes ever put there. all the things hes done with me he does with her, calling her his wife, talking about going on trips (which i planned for us last year) wearing matching sneakers and stuff and that really hurts but he was still on my phone confessing his undying love for me and how he wants me to let him back in. while were together hes just saying how much he loves me and how he misses the future we were supposed to have and he locves everything about me and it was supposed to be me and him i sent him this long message telling him that i know everyrthing and i was changing my phone number bc it was the only way i could get off his plan and while he was calling me i was changing it so i did not answer. long long story short she eneded p staying with him bc she “loves” him i hate her too.she told him that she forgives him and she wants to put it behind them and move on. i was weak and went back to him twice after seeing him, we slept together and spent the night together andf i cried bc all i could see was him with her and all the things he said and did he held me and apoligized and we kept talking he would talk to me all the time and it was great. he still wears the rings that he got for our engagement , he told her that he just wears them but they were bought for us, she said he never takes them off and she tried taking them off of him one time and put them on but he screamed at her and wouldnt let her. he told me he wont take them off until he feels like im completly gone and were really over. he said he hasnt told his family about her bc she not meant to be permenant buit ive met multiple people in his family im sure she will soon though. when she confronmted him about cheating on her with me he hung up the phone on her and told her if she wants to leave then she can and he was so mean to her but told her that he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. however he told me that hes in love with both of us!!wth?? how are you in love with her so fast and both of us? we spent the night together and in the mornig i brought up the affair again and he got angry i told him i wasnt going to talk to him anymore and maybe he should just be with her and we exchanged the fact that we would always”love” each other he said maybe we just have ot say good bye now to have a better hello and he asked me what i really waant he said he wanted me but he just feels like we could never be how we once were and im like that s not my fault! he ended up blocking me and then called a hour later saying hes in the hospital with her but we will talk a little later. he had me blocked for 3 days! i called him private and he said it was bc she was with him for those days… oh he lives with his cousin now btw and he hates living there and tells her that he left me for her and now he has to deal with his cousin so she owes him smh… and said that he doesnt think we should talk anymore until im over the situation and maybe i will want someone else.. and he 100% wants to be with her bc i cant get over the situation, were good for a while and then i bring it up and i should move on…i am so hurt and broken and i just never thought he would ever tell me to move on bc he wants to be with someone else. we go through these periods of speaking and then we dont speak for 2 weeks and then he texts me but i think hes gone for good this time.. she put up a picture of them on her fb and tagged him in it saying i love you and he said i love you babe you make me so happy and i just think its my fault and hes treating her better now, even though she said he doesnt he does the exact same things if not worse to her but idk maybe bc im gone it better? its crazzy to know ill never hear from him again but also good but im still hurting, he really chose her like what did i do wrong. why did i fall for it again and just get crushed why did i mean nothing was i wrong in not forgiving him like she did and saying ill put it behind me he always said he hated the fact that i brought up his infidelities and i would say he doesnt love me bc of how he would act. this one really hurt a lot and i cant understand why he doesnt see how this is crazy. he didnt expecct me to know so much about the affair and be able to ask all those questions maybe i shouldnt have said anything and see how things played out? but he wouldve just tried to keep both of us again, he was cheating on me for 4 months with her and i had no idea, i could never be with him, but it sucks to know he can be without me and chose her. i really am thinking maybe he isnt a narc im up and down and idk at itmes

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2017 at 2:43 pm Reply

      Hi Brokenhearted,

      Oh, he’s a narcissist alright and a Player Extraordinaire. You are so young…please don’t waste any more time on this guy. He is a pathological liar and will obviously say whatever he thinks you need to hear in order to get what he wants. As for the other girl, she is a victim just like you. He tells her the same stories that he tells you only in reverse. The ring doesn’t mean anything, girl, and the way that he uses it is ridiculous. Do not fall for the ruse.

      All the instincts that brought you to this website and others like it are correct. He is what he is and he will never change. He has a false sense of entitlement to do whatever he wants at anyone’s expense. The truth is that a narc doesn’t really care if they are with us physically as long as they know that they are in our heads – and that’s what this dude is doing.

      Go and be free and be happy and find someone you deserve. For a narc, this game just never gets old and he will seduce and discard you until the end of time is you allow it. Change your number, change your locks, and let him be. You are far too young to be getting entangled with such a monster player. He is simply not worth the trouble and he never was.

      Stay strong, my sister!

      Zari xo

  • Jeanne T Handren

    March 2, 2017 at 10:32 am Reply

    Hi Zari,

    Just read this. Thank you! I am so glad to be free of my ex-fiance but recently found out he had a new victim. It only took him 3 months. I don’t know why it bothers me. I have no desire to be with him at all. I feel bad for her. How long before he starts telling her what she can and cant wear. How long before he accuses her of cheating on him when she just got up and went to work? Comes home early to check on her to see if she has someone there? Offers to get her a new cell phone so he can stalk her every move and monitor who she talks to? The monthly interrogations when the cell phone bills come? I feel like I should warn her. I know he is in the buying her flowers, gifts, taking her to expensive restaurants phase. That will soon change and he will isolate her from her friends and family. Everything will be her fault. He will gaslight her, lie to her, etc. I don’t want any woman to go through what I did.

    Reading this helped me to understand why I was initially upset but now I feel bad for the woman. I guess she has to learn for herself. Hopefully she will run like hell at the first sign. I look back now and wish I had. 5 years wasted with a truly sick man.

    Thank you!

    JJ

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2017 at 1:44 pm Reply

      Hi JJ,

      Trust me, it won’t take long and, as you know, he will only accuse her of the very thing that he is doing (as they always do). With their accusations, they give themselves away! Unfortunately, you can’t warn her…she must learn by herself just as we did. Eventually, she will find her way to this website and others like it. I’m grateful that your free. Have no anxiety about it and be happy. Enough time wasted and we’re here for such a short time….

      Zari xo

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