Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

is-the-narcissist-happyWhen we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get itBut how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship. And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.

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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.

So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.

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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.

So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.

The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free.  And Amen to that!

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258 Comments

  • Erica

    September 16, 2017 at 12:00 am Reply

    Ok so we all know we all r getting over a narc relationship so i wont go into details of mine cuz thats not my problem cuz i find it easier to move on when i know it wasnt anything i did wrong and they do this to everyone so i dont take it personal
    Anyhow what my issue is i realized today is i will ALWAYS be attracted to these type of men! My body wont let me be attracted to anyone else
    How do I know this u ask
    Cuz i am dating a man now who is drop dead gorgeous he ticks off all the boxes of what i like in looks on a man i know thats superficial but stay with me and we all start with looks its a fact lol anywho so he is handsome in every way to me BUT i am not sexually attracted to him AT ALL! Because HE ISNT NARCISSISTIC! He is nice wants to be with me we have a good time but not over the top good time together he doesnt love bomb me or over txt me (we goes days without txting or contact) NONE of the narc traits r there he is just a normal guy and i should be so attracted to him right? RIGHT?! But i am not and i find myself forcing to have sex with him which isnt a nice feeling or avoiding it and he is ketching on
    I WANT TO WANT HIM SO BAD WHAT DO I DO PLEASE HELP!!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 22, 2017 at 7:23 pm Reply

      Hi Erica,

      What does a narcissistic man LOOK like that you find so attractive? And why would a guy who doesn’t text you for days not necessarily be narcissistic? Do you WANT a guy to not text you for days after you go out and have a great time. I don’t. So how do you tell? You can’t. Look, along with speaking to hundreds of women who are dealing with narcissistic men, I also speak with the guys who have to deal with narcissistic wives, girlfriends, etc. Believe me, these guys are great looking, successful, funny, and then some and they are NOT narcissistic in the way that we talk about it here.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re never going to know a narcissist right off the bat. We’re just not. Why? Because it’s human nature to want to believe that the person that we’re attracted to, hanging out with, married to, etc. is telling us the truth. The only thing we can hope for is that we get out quicker the next time, don’t let it drag on. You have to have boundaries and deal-breakers and do your best to stick to them. It’s not a perfect strategy but it WILL weed out those with the potential to make your life a living hell down the road.

      Zari:)

  • danesterly

    September 2, 2017 at 7:17 pm Reply

    This article was highly helpful! I recently wrote about my own experience, and found th at it was difficult to even write about. Please let me know what you think of it – https://danesterly.wordpress.com/2017/09/02/my-ex-perience-with-npd-a-real-case-study/

    • Zari Ballard

      September 3, 2017 at 2:52 pm Reply

      I like it a lot, Dan, and couldn’t have said it better myself. I have no doubt that you speak for all of the guys that come here to read and post. It’s so true how we have to bargain with ourselves to come out of it. It truly is having TO RE-TRAIN OUR BRAIN BACK TO NORMAL. As you said, there is NOTHING you could have done to fix it, to “satisfy”, to get her to accept responsibility or admit to anything…nothing. In the end, we have to love ourselves enough to break free. Good for you for writing that post….it’s a great read with lots of good information. Thank you for sharing:)

      Zari…

      • danesterly

        September 3, 2017 at 7:29 pm Reply

        Thank you so much for your feedback, means a lot! Stay strong!

  • sam

    August 12, 2017 at 5:36 pm Reply

    Hello,

    I love reading different posts and stories about N’s… I find myself wondering if my ex husband was actually a N or not maybe just something else. I wonder this because I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease early last year and he helped me tremendously, “in the beginning” but, while all at the same time giving me pitty stories and constantly borrowing money from me, and not little money I’m talking a couple thousand dollars in total, maybe more, until I wised up and saw he really had no intentions on paying me back so I started to pretend broke and he bagged up off of asking and now mysteriously has money from somewhere!

    In any case to shorten my story as much as possible, I was with my ex for a total of 20 years, married 12 of those years and 4 children later, he managed to turn one of our sons against me, well he favors his dad over me.. I feel like he plants stories and buys the kids as much as he can and gets in their heads.. he will do every thing for our youngest daughter but our third son he does nothing for, and that’s the one that is closets to me.. so I guess he gets the cold shoulder.. anyways, with respect to our relationship, he started out good, I had one son that was 2years old when we got together and he played daddy to him, he was so good that I fell in love with that.. I had a car, he didn’t, I had my mom get us an apartment, we lived together, he was most certainly cheating from the very beginning of the relationship but for some reason I married him anyway. he was very convincing with the apologies in the beginning but that soon tapered off, the more I forgave him the less apologies I got. I was treated so badly, one time we went to the movies and we had an argument and he actually left me and I had to walk home and let me tell you, it was not close, you had to take the freeway to the movies. he never made me feel like I came first.. I did everything for him, I cooked, wash the clothes, helped the kids with the homework etc…… the only thibg he did was went to work, ate and the gym to keep his body in shape.. I even went and had a tummy tuck to keep up with him. now he used to tease and talk about over wight people ALL THE TIME so you are going to get a kick out of the second part of my story… so he would be very cold to me, he would start arguments, he would turn the arguments around on me trying to make me think I was the one crazy.. he was really delisounal all of the pieces didn’t start to come to gether until after I finally divorced him in 2011, now even though we were divorced, of course I was still dealing with him, not leaving the door open to meet someone new, and now I sit here disabled as of last year as I stated earlier in my post and I have no relationship and he has a WONDERFUL one. although he was in this “relationship” before my disability happened to me but it is still a hard pill for me to swallow, don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss the sex, nor his atrocious breath aor mistreatment but I feel like I got dealt a bead hand.. he gets to move on to a glorious new life and so on and so forth. that’s just a VERY small piece of what I endudred, he was a habitiual liar and cheater, mentally, emotionally, spiritually bankrupt in every aspect of those realms. I was drained of all my self esteem and finances.. he was very bad at budgeting and I was the one who always had to clean up that mess… just a MESS I tell you… and I had the nerve to still let him manipulate me out of my money while DISABELED!
    So he met his new love wile going to the courts to file an answer to my child support order. this girl works in the couts, as he states, she makes all this money, she has a no good baby father who was lazy and didn’t help her do anything with the son, blah, blah, blah… “story sounds familiar” but he has now taken on the role of “step dad”, washing dishes, went and bought himself a “Mercedez benz” he has become chef boy-r-d… cooking and bar-b-q-ing, something He learned from me by the way.. when she calls he answers the phone “hello beautiful”..Lol… Oh, they are out house hunting, “my daughter told me this” not that I ask anything about him or her, somethings he mentions.. but he is always braging about how she knbows all these attorneys and she is a court clerk basically all her business, and criticizes her sons father which grinds my gears.. the story is so familiar….. but he does absolutely nothing with our 14 year old son.. its sickening, but he brings our daughter back with shoes, new back packs, etc… that him and her have bought whenever she goes over there…. how sick is that… how could you not feel some type of way when you do that and I’m boggeled as to why the girlfriend does not ask about our son, what kind of woman is that? but then again there is NO telling what he ehas told the girlfriend.. I can only imagine what he has said about me because he lives in lala land and always wants to be more than what he is… sad!! but in anycase, I didn’t mention that when he describes her he makes sure to mention she is a “big” girl, I guess so I wouldn’t be sudrprised If ever I saw her! which I would care one way or the other because I’m not interested inhim in that way AT ALL.

    But I just wonder if he is actually a narcissist or maybe something elese and can actually change or has changed or has he just conformed to accommodate the new situation. the sad thing about it is he is only the second relationship for her and I’m sure he is doing all the things that she claims the other guy didn’t do… but on the flip side he was exactly that with me.. its like she just got another man just like the one she is no longer with just a different face I’m almost sure.. but he was really terrible with me… I mean he would look at me so evil when we would get into it.. like he just did not like me….. hated me actually, so I’m kind of confused…..

    anyways, thanks for reading..

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2017 at 3:46 pm Reply

      Hi Sam,

      Look, I don’t care WHAT he is, I already hate him. A guy who behaves this way will never change and so what if he does??? The fact is that he doesn’t act that way with YOU and that’s what counts. He is and obviously always has been a cheater and if you don’t thing he’ll cheat on her, that’s silly. As for your son, that is very sad but you know what? Your son will survive…just be the best mom you can be to him. My ex-husband (not the narc of my books) decided about eight years ago to change his number and my son hasn’t heard from him since. It broke my son’s heart and no reaching out on FB from me to him or his new wife could get him to respond. My son is just fine now. Have you confronted him about your son and demanded why the daughter comes back with shoes and backpacks but not him? Are you getting child support for all the kids? I sure hope so. Everything must be by the courts to get what – and hopefully plus some – you deserve.

      This guy is a creep and you know what got me? The fact that you said he had miserable breath? THAT ALONE IS REASON TO LET THAT BASTARD GO!! lol lET HER DEAL WITH HIS STINKY MOUTH – yuck! You are better off by yourself. This guy is a lowlife piece of shit for everything he has done. The new girlfriend, although she is hearing a whole lot of bullshit right now, will get hers soon enough.

      Take care and stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Samantha True

        September 2, 2017 at 9:08 pm Reply

        Thanks so much for your reply

  • BGM

    July 31, 2017 at 3:00 pm Reply

    My story is a very sad and embarrassing one. My ex narc/sociopath and I dated for a year. In the beginning he was Mr helpful, he would take care of things around my house to help and relieve my everyday stresses. He had boats and a fun lifestyle but compared to all his ex’s, I was financially secure and I didn’t need his handouts. But I appreciated his help and felt very cared for during the initial stages of the relationship. 3 months into our relationship, his ex girlfriend wrote me a letter and told me that they were still sleeping together – I was devistated and of course he told me that she was ” crazy” and only wants to break us up…. I wanted to believe him so badly and put it into the back of my mind. He continued to triangulate his ex girlfriend and I. He would manufacture arguments to just storm out of my house to go and be with her, to keep her in the loop. I would catch him red handed and he would convince me I was crazy.
    After he got caught, he would just drive up my driveway and show up unannounced to try and apologize to me and convince me I saw it all the wrong way. I looked through his phone, one day and caught him again cheating. He blocked the door as I tried to leave his house to tell me I was ” crazy” and I shouldn’t look through his phone. I pushed him out of the way of the door And was able to run away and jump in my car. The police pulled me over and arrested me for assaulting him. He knows how to manipulate the police and legal system. He spent 4 years in prison for armed robbery and has had over 6 Domestic Violence arrests on his own. After my arrest he then told me that he never asked them to arrest me and that the Rules of the state are what they are. I’d never been arrested before and he was setting me up. He is a total liar. He is all about punishing. He managed to manipulate himself back into my life a month after I was arrested in November – for a few more month of hell. I was trying to move on and started traveling more for work. i finally got the courage and energy to break up with him in May and was actively trying to date, go out with friends more. and started to feel happy again. All along he never stopped texting and calling me- asking me to come over , telling me how much he missed me and loved me. He would call over 50 x’s a day. I had to block him and he was relentless with emails and calling me names and belittling me. During this time I found out he had met another woman in January and had been seeing her in Florida. I wrote this woman as his ex once wrote me. I backed up my warning about him with pictures texts and emails. I just wanted to be able to try and save her from the hell he put me through. That fell on deaf ears. The next week, after getting threatened by him for doing that, I was on a date with a new guy, he drove by this restaurant and saw my car outside, he called the police once again lied on the police report and said I had violated a No Contact order that was in place from October. The police came into the restaurant and arrested me again In front of my date. He set me up and punished me again this time for moving on from him, and trying to expose him to his new victim. He lied to the police, we had Re engaged the relationship, traveled together etc. the No Contact was about to expire in 5 days. All along he told me he had taken care of that. Being that I never had been arrested before I didn’t know how that worked, and stupidly I had trusted him. I am still dealing with the courts and trying to get my life back. So now all he does is post pictures of his new relationship on FB and tries to make it look as if he had all new friends and a great life with her, while I’m struggling to fix mine. I’m happier not with him, but he really hurt my life, my reputation and emotionally crushed me.

    • Zari Ballard

      August 7, 2017 at 10:14 pm Reply

      Hi BGM,

      Listen, I know how you feel! My ex went to the courts DURING A FOUR MONTH SILENT TREATMENT and got a restraining order on me because I, on a hunch, sent an anonymous FB message to the girl I suspected he was staying with. Obviously I was right. It was two days before Xmas when I sent that message, my son and I were so sad, just wanting him to come back. He paid extra to have me served on Xmas Eve! When I heard the knock, I thought it was him and it was the cops instead. I asked the cops how he could possibly serve me a restraining order when I didn’t even know where he lived and hadn’t seen him in months. Too bad for me. So, what happens? He reappears on January 4th as if nothing happened, breaking his own order. Six months later, for no reason at all, he gets another one and breaks that one too. I was able to convince him to get one quashed but there was one hanging out for the rest the year.

      Another time, I got one of those photo enforcement tickets and was waiting for the summons with the court date to be delivered by a process server but it never came. I couldn’t believe it but figured I had somehow got a break and went on with life. My narc and I discussed this many times and he seemed shocked too that it never came. Six months later, I’m driving at night and I get pulled over and go to jail for having a warrant for failure to appear. While in jail, I went to court and here I am arguing with the judge that I never received a summons nor did I sign for anything and he tells me it was served on a Saturday and did I know the name of the person who signed for it at my house. Guess who???? He set me up and I knew it and he denied all the way to the last day that I ever saw him. On that day, he admitted to answering the door, signing for it, and throwing it away. He knew eventually I would get in front of a cop who would run my plate.

      These people are monsters. They have no conscience and every thing they do is about what they can get away with. I am so sorry you went through all that. You are not alone sister…and I’m very glad you are not with him…stay strong, my friend, and stop looking at social media. Once you do, things will change!

      Zari xo

  • Ashley Rose

    June 23, 2017 at 9:34 am Reply

    I’d like to share my personal story. When I was in my early 20s I met a guy, who was about my age and we hooked on.
    After a few dates, we began a relationship. It continued, although he went studying abroad. We saw each other that Christmas and he even made plans to spend new year’s eve with me. However, these plans never came to being. He became silent. I tried to call him several times and he answered one my calls saying he had gotten drunk with is friends and that I was a boring person. I just called him because the new year’s eve plans were his idea, not mine.

    As years went by, he tried to called me a couple times and he even invited to visit him, which, of course, I declined. About two months ago, I saw his Facebook profile and invited him to be my friend on Facebook. Nine years had passed, so I thought he had forgotten me. Big mistake!!!!! At first, it was just hi or how are you. But then, the love bombing came. I had been the only decent woman of his life…blah blah. He wanted to stay with me as he was now a different person. He would never hurt as he did in the past (now he’s in his early 30s). While I was never fully convinced, I decided to play his game. It was seeing to believe. Long hours of videocalls and loving text messages and so on. Lots of plans for the future. He even wanted me to attend a friend’s wedding, having bought the flight tickets and talked about future marriage plans. He even lectured me because I wasn’t fully convinced that he truly loved me.

    After rekindling, we saw each other twice as he was working in a different city. For one month, he made plans for the weekends, but when weekends came he remained silent. He was too busy and reaching him on Facebook was getting harder. I had the feeling there was something wrong (he kept postponing the date of the supposed flight). And I was right.

    By the end, he behavior was disgusting. On one Sunday, he said he missed me and I would see him soon. But, on the following Friday I saw newly posted photos on his profile that hinted that he was with another woman (she was not visible on the photos but was identified on them). I tried talking to him and he immediately blocked on Facebook, even though I never mentioned I had seen the photos. A few days later, a friend of mine told me this woman, in mid to late 40s, identified herself as being in a relationship with that piece of trash. All my friends were shocked with his behavior.

  • Lee

    June 5, 2017 at 1:24 pm Reply

    I was with my N for a little over a year. We became best of friends and I decided to move my children and me 1500 miles away from home to live with him and his children. A few months in he was faced and still facing a custody battle with his Children ( he has physical custody) and now the mother wants them back, his second marriage was a train wreck and there are still issues there today he battles.. there has been so many events that has changed who he was in my eyes and our relationship. He would sleep most of the day, I tried to keep a clean home, help him on the ranch, anything that I could do for him I did it. I started seeing myself disrespected by him and his children, called horrible names if I was at all effected my his or his childrens behavior, bitch and c*NT his favorite, he would throw my clothes out of the house into the yard, told me to eat shit and dye several times and in front of his 14 year old son. Until the end did I snap, I found myself crying and begging him to talk to me to save me from what I was feeling , he ignored me, or bullied me into a corner or shoving his finger in my face with threats, my children and I went without power water and hardly any food for about 3 weeks before I left and jumped on a plane with my child and back home. My mother helped us. He would tell me we had no money, I had a job offer but was told my place was at the house taking care of our family. Which was fine with me if he had only been doing the same. It’s been almost 2 weeks gone and I still have contact with him but I know it would be a mistake to go back. He says he’s working on getting the house and money back in order but I still catch him in lies. And not only 24 hours being away i got a message from another women how he should get a restraining order on me and going off on me in his defense. Needless to say I took care of her right away. Told her if she was ok with her Children living like that she and her kids can clean out stuff out of his house. We left with just enough clothes to get us by on. And I dont know nor understand how I can miss someone like this.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 2, 2017 at 4:12 pm Reply

      Hi Lee,

      We can miss someone “like this” because we are caring, compassionate people who can’t wrap our head around the fact that anyone we love so much could really be this way. That’s all it is. I hope and pray you have not gone back. He will always do this to you. Get yourself together financially…get back on your feet so you can feel confident in your life and your future. Educate yourself and come to a place of acceptance. Read through my blog (over 85 articles in it) and others like it. If you can, book some talk time with me so we can strategize for your new life. It was NEVER you, sister, and you deserve to be happy.

      Zari xo

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