Is the Narcissist Happy Now? (A Reality Check)

is-the-narcissist-happyWhen we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get itBut how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship. And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.

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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.

So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.

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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.

So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.

The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free.  And Amen to that!

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202 Comments

  • JLC

    January 10, 2017 at 2:55 pm Reply

    I can’t tell you how relieving it is to read all this. I was with my husband for 8 years and I ended up a shaking, insane mess, taking antipsychotics and unable to even figure out how to rent an apartment to move out, even though I wanted that more than anything. Mind you, I’m an accomplished professional with a doctorate degree, and I had to have my friends physically extricate me from this relationship. I left 3 months ago and am in the beginning phases of a divorce. Suddenly, my husband has moved in a new woman from another state, bought her a car, is plastering professions of his love for her all over social media, and is shamelessly parading her around all of our usual hangouts. He is introducing her to my friends as if nothing is out of the ordinary. We haven’t even signed a settlement agreement or filed anything with the court. I was thrown into a terrified shock. I literally could not understand how he thought this behavior was acceptable. Now I know.
    A year and a half ago I began to discover that my suspicions were true and that he was a lying cheater. In fact, over the course of the next year and a half, I slowly discovered he’d slept with dozens of prostitutes and had numerous affairs, including one with one of my bridesmaids. I tried many marriage counselors, but he just kept lying and seeming to not understand why I was so upset. He could not comply with the recommended treatments. I was baffled and hateful and insane. He seemed unable to understand why I was so upset. He accused me of faking it, of being dramatic, of trying to make him miserable. He became physically violent when I would try to calmly talk to him about the marriage. I was literally losing my mind.
    At this point, although we were very well off, he’s bullied me into accepting a terrible settlement, which I have accepted for the sake of sanity. Even my attorney advised me to just take what I can and get as far away as possible.
    This site and others describe my life with him so perfectly it’s as if someone did a case study on us. The only difference is he never physically disappeared – although he did go mia by phone for periods during the day. But now that I think about it, he would leave and refuse to answer his phone when we fought. I started – insanely- trying to combat this by jumping in the back of his truck or hiding his keys! How crazy is that?! I hated him so much but I was terrified of him leaving me. I can’t remember for how many years I hated him, and yet I stayed and stayed and stayed.
    Thank you so much for creating this site for victims like me to take solace in. I am stronger today than I have ever been.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 14, 2017 at 11:47 am Reply

      Hi JLC,

      You finish that divorce and get on with your life, girl. Pay no mind to anything he says and stay away from the people he says it to. It means nothing in the big picture. Do not defend yourself to him or anyone. By staying silent while he acts ridiculous automatically puts you in a better light. No, this behavior is NOT appropriate but you will never get him to see it that way. I am sorry that you had to take a bad settlement…I’m not sure why that happened but I do hope that you got something out of it; at least enough to start a new life in another town and, yes, as far away as possible.

      Hang tight and see this through. It’s a new year for your new life and we’re all here to support you. Write anytime to give me updates. I wish you all the best:)

      Zari xoxo

  • Yvette

    December 27, 2016 at 3:14 pm Reply

    Hi Zari. Two things … I found your blog some weeks ago and it has been helping me immensely (I left a comment a while back which you replied to, thank you) but I am still struggling with implementing No Contact. I am going through a Silent Treatment at the moment and I am still in the habit of contacting him every day (I slept with him about 4 weeks ago and all was lovely of course and has now deteriorated to him fully hating me which has been off and on for some months now). I am managing to postpone the act of contacting him somewhat but the urge to contact him builds up and up until eventually the feeling is so strong that I give in. I have been keeping busy but he never leaves my mind and I know all of the logic about his behaviour so you can imagine my frustration that the feelings are still there …. they just won’t go away … and its infuriating, painful and difficult to love myself when I can’t trust myself to not want him anymore. I have come to realise that the effects of the narcissistic conditioning have clearly not been broken and I read your blog over and over to remind myself that NC is really the only way. I even want to contact the newest Other Woman (he has a few on the go at any one time) and tell her that she isn’t the only one (she knows about me and gives me evil looks every time but she is kidding herself if she thinks its just me and her). So my first question is, how do I break the conditioning in my head, after 8 years, and how do I convince myself that things are better and that I am happier without him? … This leads into my second question and the content of this blog entry. I have come to realise that the newest edition (he has been seeing her for about a year) has narcissistic tendencies. I don’t know if she is a full blown narcissist but I do know a bit about her background and I know some of her aquaintances and I have had a feeling that my hunches were right and they have been validated somewhat. To what extent I am right or wrong is really irrelevant though. What is relevant is that I am stuck in the thought that he is happy, they are happy, coz I have read that narcissists attract and can actually have psychopathic fun together … and that upsets me and makes the rejection all the more harder to reason my way out of. So my second question is how do I convince myself that the blissful Hell that they could possibly be in, is still just that, Hell? Even though I don’t really wish any ill feeling on him (right now though, I care nothing for her in contrast) it is very hard to move forward if I think that he is happy without me. I guess some part of me wants him to think about me and miss me a bit … which of course, I know isn’t the case, so why can’t I just announce an indifferent ‘fuck it’, let him go and carry on with my life?

  • Andrew Benjamin (a-k-a Luv_Doctor)

    November 21, 2016 at 6:49 pm Reply

    What about my situation? Do you have any advice to take me out of my obsession?

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